Unseen Terror 2015: Day 12

Defense attorney Jennifer Garrick is working on a case where she believes that her client, a supposed child murderer in jail for the death of his own son, is innocent, and should not be sitting on death row. Despite her best efforts, the man is sentenced to die in the electric chair. Days before the execution takes place, a fellow lawyer presents her with a large, wooden Pinocchio doll that was confiscated from the crime scene, supposedly as the favorite toy of the killer's child. Before it can be locked away as evidence, Jennifer's daughter Zoe, an emotionally delicate girl who has to make frequent trips to a therapist, claims it as her own. She develops a strong bond to her new friend, and it isn't before long that those who Zoe dislikes, be it school bullies or unwanted acquaintances of the family, start getting hurt.



Right before I entered my teenage years, I vaguely recall seeing the trailer to another straight-to-video movie that was brilliantly (or stupidly) titled Pinocchio's Revenge. Where I had seen it I can not recall. Perhaps it was during a random episode of Monday Night Raw? Or maybe it was when I rented another, better motion picture from Blockbuster Video? Or maybe......you know what? No. This festering, smelly pile of excrement that's trying to disguise itself as another entry in the "killer doll" field doesn't deserve a legitimate, sophisticated review. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. In fact, if I can be perfectly honest with you, the entire reason as to why Pinocchio's Revenge was my pick for the 1996 "day" of Unseen Terror was because there were very few (if any) alternate titles that I could have picked for first time viewings. Don't believe me? Here are some (but not all) of the other options:



Scream
From Dusk Till Dawn
The Craft
Thinner
Tremors 2: Aftershocks
The Frighteners
Trilogy Of Terror II
Hellraiser: Bloodline
Jack Frost




"But Ryan, so what if you've watched them before? Do you have against those particular films?" Oh, I most assuredly don't. In fact, save for the latter two pictures (which are, to put it lightly, turkeys through and through), they're all more watchable and immensely enjoyable than Pinocchio's Revenge. And despite my shellacking that I dished out for that pitiful excuse for a horror movie about a killer snowman, it almost made an attempt to take a fairly original idea and do the best it could to appeal to its very niche audience.


If you're looking for a similarly good idea in Pinocchio's Revenge, you may be in for a treat. Just be sure that you've never Psycho. Or that you are not a well-versed and educated fan of the first installment of the Child's Play franchise. The latter in particular seems to be a source of most of the material's inspiration, though with how abnormally tall the titular toy is in this feature, you'd wonder if they were just too lazy to hire an actual puppeteer or crew member to help make it look realistic. And by realistic, I mean not like a small, height-challeneged human being. This gross and disappointing use of low-budget effects is all the more perplexing when you see that it was written and directed by Kevin S. Tenney, who previously headed 1988's Night Of The Demons. Then again, Night also had a certain charm and a great amount of people working in the special effects and makeup departments that helped hide its meager budget. Still, I'll give Revenge credit for one tiny shining moment: actress Brittany Smith is surprisingly good as the young girl who seems to share a special bond with her wooden friend.........and that came out much worse than I thought it would.


With a criminally low body count, a sluggish pace, and an outcome that is equal parts predictable and contradicting, Pinocchio's Revenge is just kind of....well, lousy. Unless the threat of genital torture is high, I don't foresee myself ever wanting to revisit this one while I have access to a television, the internet, or a keyboard. Should you feel up to hurting your own brain, the film is available to purchase on DVD for a shockingly low amount of money.



Then again, you can also use that handful of change or singles to buy fast food for dinner. There's a likely outcome that a volcano taco or black bun whopper would go down better anyway, and the aftermath would also smell better.




Tomorrow, I complete a trilogy to something that I've discussed FAR too much of in 2015. Perhaps, if there is extra time, I may also venture into a three-dimensional object that can serve as nightmare fuel...

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 20

Years ago, hopeful architect Frank Bannister's wife perishes in a car accident, and he develops the ability to communicate with the deceased. Frank initially uses these skills to work alongside of assorted spirits in order to make a quick dollar or two, as dishonest as it may be. However, when a series of murders start occurring around town, all caused by a ghost seemingly taking the form of the grim reaper, Frank is persuaded to investigate, in order to prevent it from completely eradicating the town's population of living AND deceased citizens.


Man, sometimes there are just the right times and the right pictures than can brighten your weekend, especially when it has been a rather physically rough one. Or rather, when the previous film you watched was directed by a slimy, disgusting pedophile, and you did everything in your power to try and forget it. Thank goodness for Peter Jackson. Five years before he delved into Middle-earth, but several years after he made arguably the bloodiest film of all time, Peter Jackson and his partner Fran Walsh made The Frighteners, a horror-comedy that was an unfortunate box office disappointment, but has gained a considerable following, much like all of Jackson's films that don't have abnormally large budgets. I've also been chastised throughout the years for not having seen it, but thanks to the usually reliable Netflix, that has changed.


There's a fairly extensive cast to be found in The Frighteners, from its obvious main draw Michael J. Fox, to horror staples like Dee Wallace Stone (Cujo, The Howling) and Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), to a few faces who would go to be more than just faces in the crowd, like Jake Busey (Starship Troopers) and Chi McBride (Boston Public, Waiting...). There are even more that I could talk about, but I'd be here all day and all night, plus it would ruin the surprise. However, I feel that something has to be said about Jeffrey Combs' performance as a psychotic, obsessed FBI agent: I know that Peter Jackson must have an affinity for Re-Animator, as I'm certain that all of us horror fans do. But my goodness, I'm not sure what the man was going for here by casting Combs...at first. When he first comes on screen, you could swear he believes he's in another film entirely, perhaps even auditioning for a Troma picture. After becoming accustomed to his presence though, he just adds to the comic insanity and overall darkly, twisted nature of the project. Nearly every time the man opens his mouth, or interacts with Fox, the guy is chewing the scenery, but I'll be damned if he isn't making you smile just a tiny bit.


Makeup is handled by the always excellent Rick Baker, known for his work on more films than you can count, though some credits include An American Werewolf in London and The Howling. His work on Frank's cohort named "The Judge," a ghost played by Gomez Addams himself (John Astin from The Addams Family), looks particularly exceptional. Jackson's Weta Digital provided the visual effects work here, and they are actually fairly impressive, especially when you consider that they were still mostly in their infancy stage at this point (three years existence). I'd honestly prefer it to a lot of other entries I've had to sit through so far (I'm looking at you The Langoliers), though I'm not sure how well something like this would translate on a high definition disc, since I know the film was released on Blu-Ray and HD DVD.


It isn't surprising to see as to why The Frighteners underperformed sadly. The poster is very vague, a clear victim of very poor marketing (it tells you literally nothing about the movie, other than "ooh, scary!"), Peter Jackson wasn't a known commodity at the time, and even though I stated his star power above, Michael J. Fox may not have had the same "it" factor at the cineplex in the 1990s as he possessed back in the mid-80s. That last part could be a load of garbage, but after Back to the Future III, can you name a wildly successful AND acclaimed MJF film made in the 90s? I like the guy, but his tenure on Spin City was the biggest thing to his name when it comes to that particular decade. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that the film seems to have a good, sizable following, and I am ecstatic that I finally got around to catching it myself. For old time's sake, I would love nothing more than for Peter Jackson to go back and give us folks who grew up on (and can still appreciate) his horror-comedies another one for the record books. Maybe I sound greedy, but with Christmas coming up soon, I can never get too old to ask.




In preparation for The Frighteners (and due to having a very odd bit of scheduling today), I decided to stick with the overall tone of fun, and catch up with two half hour programs I had DVR'd, but almost forgotten to view.

No matter my thoughts of how The Simpsons has gone from being arguably the best animated show of all time, to becoming one of the most embarrassing animated shows on television, I always attempt to catch the newest iteration of Treehouse of Horror every year. This year's opening sequence, conceived by filmmaker Guillermo del Toro, is nothing short of spectacular, and without a doubt the best thing about the episode. The homages to decades of his own work, and the numerous works of assorted Universal Pictures horror creations, was a beautiful and outstanding work. But then the segments began, and I suppose that even the famed Treehouse of Horror isn't safe from the realm of mediocrity that The Simpsons has fallen into now. Each segment ends up being (mostly) a parody of The Cat in the Hat, The Thing With Two Heads, and Freaks respectively. While I did somewhat enjoy the last segment, it was more or less due to the previous entries in the episode being just plain average. A disappointment, but my expectations weren't very high to begin with. At least those first ten seasons are still readily available for purchase.

On the flip side, Pixar's newest television special, Toy Story of Terror, was a much more entertaining and satisfying program, even if it was very strange to see the gang return after the near-perfection and conclusion that was Toy Story 3. The plot revolves around the toys' new owners getting a flat tire and them finding themselves stuck in a roadside motel for the evening, where suddenly they start disappearing at an alarmingly quick rate. There are numerous nods to old time horror films (humorously pointed out by the character Mr. Prickle Pants, who I expect will see a spike in sales after this), and the new character of Combat Carl, who just might know a way out of this whole mess, was just plain hilarious (and voiced awesomely by Carl Weathers). I was also surprised they had a slight throwback to the claustrophobia suffered by Jessie in Toy Story 2, which I had admittedly forgotten all about. I hope this is released in some sort of compilation DVD/Blu-Ray down the line, or at least is aired again soon.




Tomorrow, we've got another busy day ahead, with some underwater monster action courtesy of THE LOCH NESS HORROR and CRATER LAKER MONSTER!