Rose Hathaway is a half-human, half-vampire attending St. Vladimir's Academy, a boarding school hidden in Montana from the human world. She also serves as a guardian to Lissa Dragomir, a member of the Moroi, peaceful, royal vampires that are one day destined for greater things. Though the two have previously escaped from the institute due to threats from fellow students, they are forced to return after a year away. Not long after this, Lissa begins to receive additional, and more graphic warnings from mysterious forces, and they suspect that the Strigoi, the evil vampires heard about in folklore throughout the ages, are behind it.
I think I have to accept the fact that in this day and age, the mythos and intrigue of the vampire is all but dead. While we can still be exposed to a cool feature here and there such as Jim Mickle's Stake Land, or a pretty darn good series of graphic novels along the lines of Kouta Hirano's Hellsing and Scott Snyder's American Vampire, there just isn't much to offer anymore than we haven't seen done to death a million and one times over. Today's two features are both experimental takes on the bloodsucking beasts. One is obviously aimed at a crowd that I'm not too keen on socializing with, and the other is….also aimed at a crowd that I'm not too keen on socializing with. Hmm. This could be troublesome.
Thankfully, we can get the truly wretched pick of the litter out of the way first. Vampire Academy is based on a series of young adult novels written by ex-social studies teacher Richelle Mead. I also question as to whether it actually has its feet firmly planted in the horror genre, or if it was just written to appeal to the Twilight franchise, especially since those books and movies have wrapped and there is damn near no more milk left to squeeze out of its udder. But after sitting through its one hundred minute running time, and noticing that there may not have even been a real plot until the forty five minute mark, I'm not really sure who this was supposed to appeal to, primarily because the movie is just all over the place in terms of properties that it is "borrowing" from (there are literally too many to name in my own review), thus establishing that it has no identity of its own.
Before you start with the whole "ugh, that looked so lame/gay/stupid" nonsense that was no doubt running through your head after the first teaser trailer hit theaters and the internet back in 2013 (it was unanimously laughed at by the crowd that I was surrounded with when it played before Thor: The Dark World), I can assure you this: your suspicions are only partially incorrect. Sure, Vampire Academy is drenched in idiocy, with a convoluted plot that even heavy exposition can't save, horrible CGI, a depressed-looking Gabriel Byrne, and will likely appeal to basically nobody but fans of the source material. Above all else though, the four words after the upcoming colon are the main ones that you should keep in mind should you choose to view it: it is ungodly DULL. For the first time in this marathon, I ejected a movie from our Blu-Ray player, and it wasn't even due to a defective or scratched disc. Convincing myself to finish this entire flick was much harder than it should have been, since I was just absolutely bored by everything going on around me, and driving me to apathy is one of my own biggest sins for any motion picture. And no, there isn't any gore, nudity, or bloodshed to keep you interested either. It's the equivalent of ABC Family or MTV making a teenage vampire story, down to one character cutting themselves off when uttering the word "motherfucker."
Calling Vampire Academy lifeless is too subtle. It desperately wants to spice things up for its audience by being Juno meets Mean Girls (the fact that the latter's director was also in charge of this is just heartbreaking), but it is done so blatantly that it borders on the offensive. Even lead actress Zooey Deutch comes across like the dollar store equivalent of the former movie's titular character, mimicking her mannerisms, vocal patterns, and even looking like the damn woman. I have no desire to ever recommend this to any of my friends, or even the few enemies that I have. You could do better, more stimulating things to pass the time, such as eating potato chips, doing your taxes, or folding your laundry.
However, if your only desire is to see Modern Family's Sarah Hyland lick a wall, then by all means, go ahead and waste your money.
Two undead lovers, alive for several centuries, live on opposite sides of the world. The male, an influential musician living in isolation, is often depressed, only leaving his grounds in Detroit so that he may retrieve "the good stuff," a nickname for non-contaminated plasma, from a connection at a local blood bank. The female, living in Tangier, Morocco, gets by herself with the help of famous dramatist Christopher Marlowe, who was thought to have perished in 1593. On one random day, the longtime lovers decide to reconnect and reunite, though the sudden reemergence of the female's sister could complicate matters more than they expect.
Crap, another mistake on my part. Not only did I not realize that Only Lovers Left Alive isn't a horror film, but that it was directed by Jim Jarmusch of all people. Don't worry, that is the furthest thing from an insult, since I think that the man is a tremendously talented filmmaker, and I'd recommend Coffee & Cigarettes and the exceptional, underrated gem Ghost Dog: Way Of The Samurai to any fan of cinema. Still, he has never written or helmed a single film in this genre, and despite the primary focus of this being centered around a pair of vampiric darlings, it is far closer to a drama, sprinkled with bits of nihilistic, black comedy and romance.
The duo mentioned above are Tom Hiddleston (Thor, Midnight In Paris) and Tilda Swinton (The Chronicles of Narnia, Michael Clayton, Burn After Reading), appropriately going by the names of Adam and Eve. The former has developed a rather jaded outlook on life, detesting most of humanity and lamenting its current state, choosing to remain secluded in his apartment and surrounding himself with rare instruments from throughout the many, many decades that he has lived. The latter is more upbeat, embracing the fact that she has been given near-immortality and choosing to enjoy the better portions and attractions of the world. Swinton and Hiddleston have remarkable chemistry together, and both bring a dry, sometimes deadpan sense of humor to the characters that helps them feel, ironically, still human and grounded. Some of their interactions and quotes seem ripe for the world of gif-heavy internet sites such as Tumblr. There are also some good supporting roles, such as the one provided by Anton Yelchin of Star Trek and Fright Night fame. Yes, the new-school Charlie Brewster has to act with vampires again. Poor guy. As much as I like Mia Wasikowska (Stoker, Alice in Wonderland), who shows up in the latter half of the picture as Eve's younger sister Ava, the only point she really serves is to be a plot device instead of a well-rounded individual, and doesn't add too much outside of a few chuckles, spunkiness, and an excuse to spice things up when you suspect that nothing is going to happen outside of the two leads' synergy. Not a complaint, but more of an observational afterthought, especially since I was personally fine with it focusing on Adam and Eve alone.
Only Lovers Left Alive isn't going to be for everyone, but at the very least, you can always count on Jarmusch for knowing how to write and direct something that you can't say that you've seen before. Even if you zone out and choose not to focus on the film too much (it is admittedly somewhat sparse in the plot department, but that isn't a detriment), it features outstanding performances from its two leads, some great cinematography, and a fresh look into the possibility of eternal life, and what it should truly mean to those who aren't alone to experience it. Maybe there is still something left to do with these parasitic monsters after all.
Be careful if you're a music connoisseur or geek though. There are some vintage guitars that get destroyed towards the end, and that is truly, tragically horrific.
Come back in a few hours for today's proper review, though I shant spoil as to what it is. This is mostly due to how embarrassed I'll likely be for having seen it.
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