Unseen Terror 2014: Day 23

In New York City, a recent string of disappearances and murders, primarily comprised of derelicts, has many befuddled. While a police captain shows a personal interest in these incidents, and even goes so far as to recruit and seek information from the head of a local homeless shelter, a down and out photographer spends his time shooting the populace who reside underneath the bright lights and attractions. Though all of these men come from different sides of the spectrum, they all come to find out that the vanishings are connected with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Even worse, the NRC has hidden the existence of these true culprits: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. But to most, they will soon be known simply as C.H.U.D.

I am the furthest thing from a psychic, yet I know what some of my friends and/or acquaintances are thinking at this very moment. And before they ask "Why the hell haven't you seen this one until 2014," I'd like to say that you can chalk this one up to poor memory and poor timing. I had purchased the Anchor Bay DVD release of C.H.U.D. on a whim at least five years ago, but for some inexplicable reason, was never able to watch more than a good thirty or so minutes before something else would distract me. Giving into my own laziness, I decided that there was no better time than now, and finally popped this into the Blu-Ray player.

*ninety six minutes later*

….I don't even know how to possibly review a picture such as C.H.U.D, since it seems to rebel against all things involved with the process of making good motion pictures, but is also simultaneously so fervent and fierce about its content and story.

C.H.U.D. was initially released by the now-defunct New World Pictures, who you could always count on for delivering something worth remembering, be it good (The Brood, Piranha), great (Hellraiser, Heathers), or really, really silly (Death Race 2000, Flowers In The Attic). It also features a rather young-looking Daniel Stern (City Slickers) and John Heard (of Cat People and stalking-actress-Melissa-Leo-fame), with very early appearances from John Goodman and Jay Thomas as two chauvinistic police officers. They're all very fun to watch, and most of the cast in general are playing these roles with real conviction and honest-to-god earnestness, even if the latter two are basically only there for very bit parts and something to add to their acting resume. Stern himself is playing a lesser version of Richard Dreyfuss' character from Jaws, though his credentials are obviously nowhere near as legitimate. But….it's still a movie about ugly, mutated monsters that live in the sewer and eat people.

Speaking of those creatures, save for some very quick cuts, you don't see a great deal of them until when the seventy minute mark has hit. And yes, they look fairly dumb, with comparisons to The Toxic Avenger having sexual intercourse with the Henrietta deadite from Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn not being too inaccurate. There is also a shocking lack of bloodshed (at least compared to what I've seen so far this year) and foul language for a flick like C.H.U.D., and had this been released in this day and age, there's the very slight possibility that it could have been given a PG-13 rating if they had made the call to cut out at least one or two shots of some severed heads. Don't get me wrong, I've said in the past that rating systems don't usually affect my overall enjoyment of any movie, but for such an absurd, yet fun concept, I was hoping for a tad bit more gruesomeness. It isn't completely bloodless though, and there is some nice practical effects and makeup on some of the poor souls killed by the beasts.

Hmm, maybe I did just review C.H.U.D. after all. It's about as dumb as someone would expect it to be, and the whole "rewritten script" controversy seems like a bit of bollocks (Stern and costar Chris Curry altered writer Parnell Hall's final draft, and chose to remain nameless about the whole thing). However, the whole film is just so wacky and bizarre (if not a bit slow) with how they chose to record and release it, and it does sport a pretty great third act that helps wrap things up in a typically-ludicrous manner while also saying to the audience "screw it, let's just say that nobody is safe now." It might be mostly crud, but C.H.U.D. is the….no, I am not closing with a pun that awful. Sorry. I still have some semblance of dignity.

You know, now that I think about it, something tells me that this could have very well been a prequel to Home Alone. The three performers billed near the top of its cast have all taken part in the series in some way shape or form, and the background for Daniel Stern's character isn't as thoroughly detailed as it could have been. Does this mean smartass Kevin McCallister and underground fuck-ugly, flesh-eating creatures exist in the same universe? Maybe C.H.U.D. II: Bud The C.H.U.D. will tell me those answers one day.

Tomorrow, I notice that we're about two months away from everyone's favorite and/or least favorite holiday, so I get in the spirit of Christmas Evil!