Unseen Terror 2020: Day 3

By the time that Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III hit theaters, this film franchise had gone through THREE different distributors. This time around, New Line Cinema acquired the rights in hopes that they could assure the public that we would see a return to the deadly serious and terrifying nature of the bad boy that started it all back in 1974. Side note: can you believe that for a short period of time, New Line owned Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, AND The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Had they managed to obtain Halloween they would've arguably had a monopoly in the realm of slasher pictures. Back to the subject at hand though. Due to the very mixed reception for its predecessor, Leatherface seemingly ignores the second film and everything that happened afterwards. Instead, the opening crawl tells us that the character of Leatherface has been on the run since the horrific killings back in the 1970s and that our final girl from the first film died in a health care facility (boo). The plot revolves around a young couple who find themselves being stalked and terrorized by the titular villain and his new family of crazies. I would say that there are deeper and more fascinating plot elements that are being left out in my review, but that would be a lie. It's kind of standard stuff, though not without some charm.

The very first thing you're likely to notice is the presence of a young Viggo Mortensen as "Tex", one of the newest members of the Sawyer clan. The handsome youngster is seemingly the most "normal" of everyone in this crew of antagonists, but he is the furthest thing from sympathetic. Hell at this point in the series, the most sympathetic villain we've been witnesses to is TCM2's iteration of Leatherface, and he was still killing people and peeling their skin off of their faces. Mortensen and his costars are perfectly adequate in their roles, but personality-wise there isn't anything wholly memorable about them. True his brother "Tink" sports a prosthesis for a hand and there's a little girl who is implied to be the product of a rape that involved Leatherface (ugh), but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss the zaniness of someone like Chop Top or even Drayton Sawyer. On the opposite side of the spectrum, I did enjoy Kate Hodge's performance as Michelle (a.k.a. TCM3's final girl). While she lacks the spunkiness of the previous flick's protagonist, she still comes across as a bit of a bad ass during the final twenty minutes or so. It all pales in comparison though to the excellence that is the character of Benny (played here by genre great Ken Foree). The Dawn of the Dead veteran is always a joy to watch, and I'm sure that he was glad to know that he wouldn't end up as mincemeat within the first act.

Outside of the performers, however, is where my legitimate complaints about Leatherface: TCM3 begin. For starters, I just didn't find it to be particularly scary. The first Texas Chainsaw Massacre might seem ancient for a lot of modern audiences, but its power and entire vibe is something that is incredibly difficult to recreate. I'm not certain that I would be content with this franchise just going further and further off the rails ala a series like Child's Play, but the entire aesthetic of TCM3 just feels so very off and I can't quite explain why. Perhaps it was due to discovering that most of it was shot in California (and you can tell) or perhaps it was discovering that this movie went through absolute hell trying to get an acceptable cut released to cinemas. Then again, I can still enjoy a film no matter how sloppy or torn apart the finished product may be (Exorcist III). I also don't feel as if this picture added much to the entire mythos or TCM universe in terms of useful information or character development. Most of it feels wholly unnecessary, and although one of the coolest revelations comes in the form of a striking golden chainsaw with "The Saw is Family" engraved on it, it doesn't get much use and comes from a phrase uttered in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Which doesn't exist now according to this film.

Ah fuck it.

Perhaps I'll track down the "unrated" cut of Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III at some point in the future. But for now? I just don't think it makes for a worthy watch. Yes the kills are decent, the acting isn't too shabby, and it does have a pretty swell list of thrash metal bands on the soundtrack (Laaz Rockit and Death Angel!), but you shouldn't be a hurry to track this one down unless you're a diehard fan. If you've got the cash to spend, then you can track down the film fairly easily on DVD and Blu-Ray.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 2

Well this was....unexpected.

Okay, I was well aware that the sequels in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise were of varying quality, but to say that I was awaiting something more akin to a dark comedy than a full-on intense horror flick ala its predecessor would be a lie. Alas, it does appear that director Tobe Hooper was fully on board with the decision that should a sequel be created to the film that made him an in-demand name, it should be the complete opposite of what preceded it by twelve years (infamous film distributors Cannon were reportedly not a fan of this choice). It's a goofy, over-the-top, and bloody slasher with very little in the way of deeper meanings or commentaries. It lacks the grimy and eerie realism that made the 1974 film so shocking and respected.

And yet.......it's also ridiculously entertaining and kind of a joy to watch.

The plot for the second movie in what is a surprisingly large film franchise technically begins with an explanation that due to some very odd technicalities and bumbling, the brutal and cannibalistic Sawyer family were never captured by authorities and are on the run. Hell, there's a contingent that doesn't seem to believe that they even exist! After massacring (ha) a couple of rowdy teens who were harassing a young disc jockey nicknamed "Stretch" over the phone, they proceed to track down and terrorize the young lady due to the possibility of her having recorded their killings. Elsewhere, former Texas Ranger Boude "Lefty" Enright has seemingly turned vigilante and is in pursuit of the murderous family who just so happen to be responsible for his nephew's death over a decade ago. Once the credits began to roll on TCM2, it struck me how eerily similar this was to a motion picture released two decades later: Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects. I won't venture into spoiler territory (and usually don't unless I REALLY hate the film), but the fact that both feature a man of the law in pursuit of a demented family who killed someone very close to them, they star the amazingly talented Bill Moseley in what are arguably scene-stealing roles, and are noticeably different in tone or style when compared to their predecessors is very peculiar. I'm almost certain that this is a combination of a passionate love letter via Zombie and pure coincidence. But let's get back to this bad boy before I get sidetracked.

As mentioned above, director Tobe Hooper wished to film Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 as a straight up black comedy rather than an intense horror movie, having believed that the more comedic elements of the first picture went by almost completely unnoticed when audiences first viewed it (I'll include myself in that list). In some regards it works. Writer L.M. Kit Carson concocts an unabashedly silly script that turns the murderous and psychotic Sawyer clan from the first film into a more demented version of a cantankerous, squabbling sitcom family. Jim Siedow is one of the only performers to return this time around, and his portrayal of family head and meat connoisseur Drayton Sawyer is still solid overall. Considering just how iconic Leatherface has become in the horror world, I think it's a bit of a shame that Drayton is glossed over by casual fans of the genre. Leatherface (naturally) makes a return as well, although he's played by a different actor this time around (something which apparently becomes a regular occurrence throughout the series) and his new mask has certainly seen better days. There's a side plot which seems to imply that perhaps he isn't as evil as society believes he is, but it never really amounts to much when the final twenty minutes kick in. I might disappoint some of my friends when I say that he came across as a bit of wasted potential this time around. 

The same can not be said for franchise newcomer Rob "Chop Top" Sawyer (played by an absolutely crazed Bill Moseley). He is a living cartoon character come to life, and even if he does feel like someone who could've been thrown into a Batman book, he is just so damn charming and legitimately funny. I can see why he has developed a rabid cult following. As luck would have it, we also have a much more well-developed "final girl" this time around too in the form of Caroline Williams' spunky "Stretch." I mean no disrespect to the late Marilyn Burns, but I felt as though she was more lucky than anything during the entire ordeal of part 1. Williams, on the other hand has some legitimately great moments of character growth and sports some real chutzpah during moments of serious peril and danger. The only newcomer that I wasn't enthusiastic about was protagonist Lefty Enright (played here by the late Dennis Hopper). True he has a good motivation for everything that he does, but more than anything else, he feels like an afterthought and shows up in the nick of time towards the end so that he can participate in what is admittedly a very cool scene involving dueling chainsaws. He isn't a bad character per se, but perhaps he was just outshone by everyone else around him.

There was a very small part of me that was prepared to dislike The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 just based on how much I ended up loving its predecessor (call it sequel trepidation I suppose). I am always happy to be pleasantly surprised though, and if you can go into this with a bit of a open mind (and a tolerance for gore), there's a high chance you'll be smiling throughout a lot of its running time. As of this writing, the flick is available to stream via Amazon Prime and a collector's edition Blu-Ray from Scream! Factory shouldn't be too difficult to track down.

And now, some parting words for racists, fascists, and all-around pieces of human trash via Mr. Moseley:

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 1 (+ a 2019 capper)

Ten years.

Jesus christ.

I honestly did not expect to keep this silly thing going for this long of a time period. I started this (now) yearly tradition just for fun and in hopes that I could expand my list of favorite pieces of cinema. With the amount of time that has seemingly flown by, I can attest to that becoming a reality, but I also wonder why the hell I even bother to do this anymore. My love for horror has never waned, but I've kind of lost my passion for even bothering to maintain a blog that I only seem to update every year or so (especially now that letterboxd exists and I can connect with more people over there). But hell, I might as well give this at least one more go.

Oh, and for those who don't follow me on Facebook and give a damn about what I thought of my final batch of films from last year's marathon, they are:

The Exorcist III- It's a shame that this picture had the name of "The Exorcist" slapped onto it, as it initially had fuck-all to do with that classic film. Flawed and somewhat messy as this might be, it's still worth a watch for the great performances (Brad Dourif in particular) and one hell of a great jump scare.

Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich- I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the same admiration for this franchise as others do. The original film is ridiculously slow, and arguably the highlight of this series is when they decided to start killing Nazis in the third entry. This serves as a soft reboot and unlike the aforementioned films, the dolls are the creations OF a Nazi war criminal that start killing people at a hotel. It's nice to see Thomas Lennon of Reno 911! fame in a starring role and I'm always down for anything featuring Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator, From Beyond), but outside of some pretty outrageous blood and guts, it's just kind of...there. It also could not have been released during a more uncomfortable climate than now.

The Hills Have Eyes Part II- An utter abomination that even Wes Craven himself has denounced and trashed. There is far too much stock footage being used, and even the dog from the first film has its own flashback sequences. Do not waste your time.

Asylum- This British anthology was one of the best surprises from last year, and one that I am genuinely bummed that I can't talk about more. The plot revolves around a young psychiatrist who while interviewing for a position at a mental asylum, undergoes a test which has him talk to four different inmates. The catch is that one of these individuals is the former head of the asylum, and in order to secure this job he must determine who it is. While not a very grisly picture at all, this is still a fascinating and wonderful slow burn that features a DAMN fine list of performers (Peter Cushing and Charlotte Rampling are immediately recognizable). Seek this one out if you're in the mood for some underrated 70s gems.

Monster House- I'm always down for a good horror movie for younger generations, especially if it's about a sentient haunted house that eats living creatures. This one had been recommended to me by quite a few people and I can see why. Outside of some very janky and dated animation and some pretty dumb potty humor, it's very dark for a film that is primarily catered to children. If you like kids' movies that don't treat them like idiots and have about $5 to spare, you can snag this bad boy real cheap.

Hocus Pocus- I cheated with this one, as I had not seen this in its entirety since I was very young. Because of that, I don't have anything to add that you don't already know. I do think that without Bette Midler this wouldn't work nearly as well as it does, but maybe that's just me. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker is uber BAE in this film. Don't @ me you punks.

Black Christmas- Yet another one I regret waiting on to finally watch. It's one of the slasher genre's grandparents, and while it is slow, it's so masterfully done. The characters are great, the kills are unnerving (and not very bloody either), and the whole thing just has this underlying sense of dread. It still surprises me that this came from the mind of the man who gave us A Christmas Story. Perhaps those exist in the same universe?

Anyway, let's fast forward to 2020's marathon now. I assure you that the first entry will elicit a response akin to that of "Dude. How have you not seen this until now?!"

Look, I know. I KNOW OKAY. I legitimately had never seen 1974's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in its entirety until this year. I have no valid excuse for this either, especially when you consider how influential and important it is to the genre. It's the horror equivalent to never having seen E.T. or Close Encounters of the Third Kind and calling yourself a fan of Science Fiction. Along with motion pictures like Psycho, this helped birth the slasher genre and set up the idea that horror cinema can also be used as great social commentary. Beneath the surface of what appears to be a simple "kids get terrorized and dispatched by crazies" story is a very fascinating encapsulation of everything going on during the time period and what feels like a very rude awakening to the "flower children" of the 1960s.

The plot is very basic: Sally Hardesty, her brother Franklin, and their friends are driving on their way to visit her grandfather's grave (which they suspect has been vandalized or desecrated). Along the way, they have very strange interactions with a couple of peculiar characters, which eventually leads them to a seemingly abandoned house. Without going too far into spoiler territory, let's just say that there's a reason for the film having such a grim-sounding name.

One thing that immediately hit me after I pressed play was how incredibly filthy TCM looks. The picture is shot in a way that almost makes you feel as though you're watching something your friend discovered as a "forbidden" tape. I can only imagine how uncomfortable audiences back in the day must have felt when they first saw this on the big screen (kudos to those behind the scenes who managed to trick some audiences into thinking this was all based on a true story). The awkward moments of silence that precede some of the killings only add to the atmosphere and make you feel as though you've traveled to an undiscovered part of the country that's ripe with the kind of horrific violence that you blissfully ignored throughout your precious little life. This is somewhat ironic when you take into account how most of TCM's gore is more imagined than actually shown. Leatherface, who I feel STILL does not get enough love from genre fans, does absolutely brutal things to our protagonists, but most of it is played out in your mind and never actually shown (John Carpenter would do something similar with Halloween several years later). It also parallels what happens in slaughterhouses, which is fitting considering what we discover later on about the villains, and if you pay close enough attention, there is an assortment of pig squeals and unnerving sound effects peppered in during some of the movie's more intense moments. I don't know if it will convince you to go vegetarian, but there is a small chance that you may reconsider eating pork again after the credits roll.

More noted horror historians have studied The Texas Chainsaw Massacre better than I could ever hope to, but I am so happy that I finally watched this. It's an outstanding, uncomfortable, and vital piece for not just the horror genre, but pop culture overall. I look forward to revisiting this several times and pulling more and more from it after every watch. As of this writing, you can view it on Shudder, though it is also very easy to buy physical copies online.

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 21-24

1979's Prophecy had been on my radar for longer than I realized, and that was mostly due to a combination of reportedly being one of the better "post-Jaws" animals-run-amuck pictures out there and from containing one hell of a list of performers. I've covered more than my fair share of flicks throughout the years that were obviously inspired by the success of Spielberg's first box office juggernaut, and though most have wielded more misses than hits, I'll never turn the chance to watch mother nature take revenge on the plague known as humanity. The plot to Prophecy can be summarized as follows: Law & Order's Robert Foxworth accepts an offer from the EPA to write about a standoff between a logging company and a Native American tribe near the Androscoggin River in Maine. His wife (played by Godfather & Rocky veteran Talia Shire) tags along and after they arrive, they come to find that both sides blame each other for the mysterious disappearances of workers and members of a rescue team. The natives are convinced that it's the work of an ancient spirit known as "Katahdin," who has returned to take revenge on those who would destroy the land, and judging by the strange discoveries that everyone finds around the area, that explanation doesn't seem so farfetched.

Before you decide to hit Google for any further information about Prophecy, I'll save you the trouble of searching for one particular tidbit: the primary antagonist of this movie is a mutated forest creature that, for all intents and purposes, looks like if the entity from John Carpenter's The Thing decided to assimilate a Grizzly Bear instead of a dog. It is one hell of a strange-looking creation, and the decision to (mostly) keep it out of sight until the final act is a wise choice. The journey to that revelation is a surprisingly compelling and brutally honest reminder that we should take better care of our lands and not be so ignorant when it comes to environmental issues (a message that will probably never be silenced). The list of performers involved in front of and behind the camera seem like they're genuinely interested in this too, and I'm be remiss not to mention the very strange casting of Armand Assante as a Native American (he's of Italian and Irish descent). Director John Frankenheimer (Birdman of Alcatraz, The Manchurian Candidate) and writer David Seltzer (The Omen) work together in an attempt to mold this into not just another Jaws ripoff, and when things hit the fan, you might as well have superglued a Michael Myers mask onto the killer carnivore. As I did briefly mention before though, it does take a bit of time to get there so it might be in your best interest to keep a nice cup of coffee or two nearby. And some of the closeups, though featuring some pretty fair practical effects, can look very dated or downright silly.

It can border on unintentionally goofy at times, but if you're a fan of killer creature features, I'd still give Prophecy a solid recommendation. Such an odd and seemingly undiscovered (at least until recent years) gem has to be seen to be believed, and if you have access to streaming services like Amazon Prime, then you can fire this bad boy up whenever you'd like. There's also a Blu-Ray coming next month from reputable (though expensive) company Shout! Factory, so if physical media is your preferred method, then can throw in your hard-earned cash and wait a bit.

What you SHOULD wait on is finding a physical copy of 1995's Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare. When I was just entering the "double digits" era of my life, I recall seeing several spots for this on television (back when the major networks would advertise many of their exclusive "world premiere" films) and instantly telling myself that I was going to avoid it like the plague. I am not certain if it's ever been mentioned on here before or not, but among the fears that I do have is apiphobia. I can't recall any particular incident or theatrical release which instilled such fear in me, but it's something that has never gone away. Nevertheless, I have to eventually suck it up and unearth something from my past while uttering to myself such classic lines as "It's only a movie." And now that I've finished Deadly Invasion for the very first time, I can safely say that I was a real chickenshit as a kid. I'm glad that I decided not to pair this up with a prior entry (The Bees) because I would have most likely fallen asleep and forgotten everything about that superior product (probably the last time I'll type that).

There isn't much of a story to Deadly Invasion other than "killer bees invade California and decide to terrorize a bunch of respected actors who should know better than to star in this." Much like Prophecy, the most noteworthy aspect of this motion picture is the list of who is involved rather than the quality of the film itself. For starters, we have Robert Hays from Airplane, Nancy Stafford of Matlock fame, Gina Phillips from Jeepers Creepers, and Ryan Phillippe (rocking shitty facial hair that he thankfully got rid of before starring in Cruel Intentions and I Know What You Did Last Summer years later). Dennis Christopher of Stephen King's It (the 90s one) fame also pops in for a criminally short appearance as a bee expert that is so comical you would swear it's a character on Comedy Bang! Bang! The cherry on top was the discovery of Rockne S. O'Bannon as director, and though I know that most filmmakers have the occasional blemish on their resume, the fact that they managed to wrangle the creator of Alien Nation (and later Farscape) into this mess is utterly shocking to me. All of that talent can't save what is ultimately a movie that doesn't seem intent on embracing the camp of mid-90s home video/made for tv schlockiness despite the fact that all of the tools to do so are at their disposal. Hell, the movie opens with the message "The following could be a true story" after what is essentially a rundown on the insects that feels akin to one of those "World's *blankiest* *blanks*" shows. C'mon guys, just go for it.

It's far from one of the worst movies on this year's Unseen Terror, but I found Deadly Invasion to be more unnecessarily boring than entertaining, though it's obviously going to depend on whether or not you watch it with a crowd or by myself. If you aren't shouting "NOT THE BEES!" just yet, then you can easily find this on YouTube. Normally I would advertise and encourage buying a physical copy if you're into this type of thing, but seeing as the price of the DVD averages between $80-150, you're better off saving your money for literally anything else. Heck, I'm sure you can recreate this entire feature with that amount of money.

…….not encouraging that mind you.

I'm a sucker for any newer shark-related flicks to add to my queue, but realized that over the course of nine years, the selection to choose from was dwindling. Luckily Amazon Prime has their fair share of low budget trash on there, so Planet of the Sharks became one of the later additions to this year's marathon. The good news is that with such a blunt, matter of fact title I don't feel like a full plot synopsis is necessary (Waterworld meets Planet of the Apes). The bad news is that almost immediately hitting play, I saw the words "A SyFy Original Picture" and "The Asylum" appear within the span of five seconds.

As I've explained before in the past, I've never been a fan of the Asylum and I doubt that will be changing anytime soon. Planet of the Sharks takes a ludicrously stupid concept and instead of going full cheese with it, they attempt to tell this story with a lot of sincerity. Couple that with CGI that is atrocious (even by Asylum's standards themselves) and long stretches where nothing interesting happens and you've a shockingly dull picture that was honestly starting to put me to sleep when I had it on. The only positive comes in the form of one woman who takes part in an awkwardly-performed tribal dance being used to intimidate the sharks, but she's gone before the first act comes to a close. I'm honestly embarrassed and ashamed that this took up one spot in my marathon when there are so many other pictures that deserve to be recognized for at least giving a shit. Don't seek this out. Let it sink to the bottom of the ocean.




Well, seeing as we're still on a nature-run-amuck kick (which is likely to end after day 24's review is posted below), let's see if I can find something that will get the taste of Deadly Invasion and Planet of the Sharks out of my mouth, shall we?

God bless Australia. They have a knack for producing absolute insane bursts of cinematic violence while also ensuring that tourism will never be a problem so long as these flicks find distribution around the world. Released to theaters in its native country back in 2016, it took a few years for Boar to make its way over here, and thankfully it's landed firmly in the hands of streaming service Shudder, who as I'm slowly discovering this year, is just the absolute best. The story for Boar is fairly basic, with a family traversing Australia before running into trouble in the form of a massive pig from the outback. Plot-wise, this isn't breaking any new ground, but unlike a lot of its other companions in the genre, you do get a chance to genuinely care for some of this cast. It certainly helps that one of our early protagonists is portrayed by Australian cult favorite John Jarratt (Wolf Creek) who is 100% invested in what is ostensibly a thriller about humankind fighting against a massive, wild boar. Concept-wise, a lot of the savvier horror fans will notice the similarities to a similar flick titled Razorback. The cinematography is fairly decent, and every performer brings enough spunk to their roles (some shorter than others). It does lack the psychedelic flair of the aforementioned movie, but does make up for any atmosphere by throwing a plate full of gore and dismemberment your way. There is a good abundance of practical effects being used in Boar, though there are the occasional moments where it slips into CGI that looks noticeably unfinished. There's also a big "fake out" that occurs once you hit the halfway point and I was getting a little flustered by that.


I wish I could write a longer description of why you should check out Boar, but I'm very tired. If you're searching for something shockingly bloody and gory or searching for a great "midnight movie," then you may be luck here. Personally I hope we get a physical copy available to watch sooner than later, but in the mean time, you can check that area to see if it might be hiding in there.



Tomorrow, I'm doing double duty, but that doesn't mean you want someone to harass him. So I'll leave it at that and promise that I'll come back with a vengeance!

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 20

It's hard to believe that it's been twenty-six years since we last saw one of the kookiest and spookiest families in pop culture make their appearance on the big screen (1998's Addams Family Reunion went straight-to-video). Given the renaissance that all things macabre seems to be having right now, bringing them back from the dead seemed like an easy and sensible task. Directed by the duo behind 2016's notorious Sausage Party, this new story about the peculiar, morbid, but undeniably charming family facing off with new, uptight neighbors does pack some style, but it lacks any real substance. However I'll save my "dumping" for later, because I did smile a lot more than I frowned during this flick's short running time.


Prior to its theatrical release, you may recall hearing that many older fans were up in arms about the "interesting" redesigns of the titular family members themselves. Some of them appear to be unusually pointy-looking, and to say that they sport comically strange body proportions would be a friggin' understatement. Honestly, I never really understood the complaints about the new look of the characters. It's far more faithful to their original designs from the golden age, and you'll get over it fairly quickly. Even if you don't, there's no denying just how well they're portrayed by this rather stellar voice cast. It would not shock me if most of this picture's budget went towards snagging as many noteworthy performers for this as they could. There's Oscar Isaac as Gomez, Charlize Theron as Morticia, Chloe Grace Moretz as Wednesday, Finn Wolfhard as Pugsley, and Nick Kroll as Uncle Fester just to name a few. They're all bringing their 'A' game (pun possibly intended) and there's a good chance that they could also help you forget about any weaknesses found in the script. Moretz and Theron are the movie's highlights, and they seem to be relishing the chance to play characters that they likely grew up watching. Allison Janney also delivers an entertaining, if not familiar performance as the flick's antagonist. They all seem to have great chemistry with one another, but again, you grabbed a chunk of the top dogs in the industry for this story so that's to be expected.


Unfortunately what hurts this new version of The Addams Family is that when you remove the occasional darkly comedic joke and stellar voice acting, it's painfully cliched and predictable. If you are put off by tropes that plague nearly any and every film catered towards children these days (even Pixar is occasionally guilty of this), then there's a very good chance that you'll be rolling your eyes on more than a few occasions. There are numerous story arcs in here (primarily based around the kids) that unfold exactly how you expect them to, and while I do understand that this is catered to a much younger audience than prior on-screen adaptations were, this is still very disappointing. It all comes to a head with one of the laziest third acts that I've seen in an animated flick in the past few years. It's kind of a shame because I still maintain my opinion that both of the movies directed by Barry Sonennfeld in the 1990s are perfectly fine for all ages (though some supervision may be required), and even if some of the jokes will fly over the heads of very young viewers, there's a good chance that they'll still enjoy the hell out of them.


Ultimately, this new iteration of The Addams Family is a real tossup. Weaknesses aside, I did laugh on more than a few occasions and do respect its unique animation style. I can't in good conscious recommend it to anyone except for parents with younger kids or people who refuse to buy physical media (I don't want to know those people). There's no reason that this couldn't have been cut and re-edited into the basis for a television series on a network like Nickelodeon or a service like Netflix.



Come to think of it, I'll check back in about a year to see if that becomes a reality. Hell, they did it with Kung Fu Panda and How to Train Your Dragon. And fucking Barnyard.



Tomorrow, it's time to put the kids to bed because the director of The Manchurian Candidate and Ronin is gonna unleash a killer creature on us poor fools!

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 16-19

Well, that was certainly a busy week. I don't think I've ever fallen this far behind before, but it won't stop me from completing this bad boy. Over the course of these past four days, I've knocked off several works based on or at least connected to celebrated horror legend Stephen King (a common occurrence during any Unseen Terror marathon). But unlike most of the author's own works, this collection of reviews won't be stretched out to an uncomfortable length.

Considering that I lived in Wilmington, North Carolina (where most of this was shot) for close to eleven years, I'm as shocked as you are that I never watched 1984's Firestarter until now. Based on King's sixth novel of the same name, it tells the story of a young girl named Charlie (Drew Barrymore) and her father Andy (David Keith of An Officer and a Gentleman fame) on the run from a shady agency that through secret experiments, has managed to manifest powers in the both of them. He has developed the ability to manipulate the minds of others, which is certainly beneficial when you are trying to avoid contact with anyone who might harm you or your family. Charlie has been granted a far more dangerous power though: pyrokinesis. The aforementioned group discovers the latter's new ability, and hopes that if they can capture the child, her skills can be harnessed as a weapon for the government.


Firestarter feels more akin to a mixture of dark science fiction and thriller than it does a "scary" movie, but when you consider the subject matter, arguing about it being horror-adjacent wouldn't be hard to do. Regardless of how you would choose to categorize this flick, it has one fundamental flaw: throughout most of its running time, it is shockingly dull. Barrymore is doing a commendable job in her role, but there's little reason to care about Charlie other than the fact that she's a kid. It doesn't help that most of the supporting cast, which includes usually-great heavyweights like Martin Sheen, George C. Scott, and Louise Fletcher among others, is also wasted playing eerily similar versions of characters that we've seen countless amounts of times over the course of several decades. Even if you're unfamiliar with the novel it's based on, most of the plot unfolds exactly the way that you would expect it to, giving you a feeling that it could pass for a pilot to a television series (ironically enough, this became a reality eighteen years later in the form of Firestarter: Rekindled). Still, it does boast one hell of a cool finale that I'm certain you couldn't just throw out in the beginning on a series. That final act is quite the spectacle to behold as it finally gives us what we want to see with Barrymore going full-on "X-Men" and letting her emotions get the best of her. I'm not sure if this helped director Mark Lester land his next feature (the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Commando), but it wouldn't surprise me.


That cool moment aside, I found Firestarter to be just a bit too boring to recommend. I'm more interested to see what would have come about with John Carpenter and Bill Lancaster's version of the film, as they were initially approached to direct and write this adaptation. Unfortunately, after The Thing bombed at the box office, the two of them were taken off of the project. Crap. I suspect that if I had seen this when I was younger, my opinion would be different (outside of people being set ablaze, it isn't terribly violent), but if you're a Stephen King completist, you can snag a copy of it on DVD and Blu-Ray for next-to-nothing. At the very least, try to find a physical copy of the very good score by Tangerine Dream.



Alrighty, time for Day 17.

Funnily enough, Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary is the first documentary that I've covered since I began this "Unseen Terror" idea back in 2011. I considered going back to revisit Never Sleep Again, which is an excellent (though quite lengthy) retrospective look at the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, but there's not a lot of fun discussing something that I've watched a number of times already. Plus I have some positive memories attached to Stephen King's novel Pet Sematary and its enjoyable (though flawed) adaptation from 1989, so when I stumbled upon this ditty, I figured this could make for an interesting experience.


The first thing you'll notice about Unearthed & Untold is that they have set out to make as thorough of a documentary as they can. Calling this a love letter for fanatics only is the easiest way to describe it to anyone who is slightly intrigued. This serves as both its greatest strength and weakness, because unless you REALLY care about Pet Sematary, there's a very good chance you'll start to zone out or feel tempted to fast forward. There's a lot of technical talk and specifics about the tiniest of things, which while appreciated, starts to feel like the directors are doing their damnedest to stretch it out to an unnecessarily long running time. They seemingly also forget about Pet Sematary Two's existence, but in retrospect that might not be as bad of a decision as I initially thought it was. On the plus side, getting the chance to snag every living actor or crew member involved for discussions is very impressive for what is essentially a documentary made by diehard fans. I'm very sad that they were unable to include more archival footage or interviews with the late Fred Gwynne, but I am very happy that Mary Lambert gets more than a few minutes to talk. I've always had an immense amount of respect for Lambert considering that she was one of the first female directors in the horror genre to make an impact (and judging by her appearance here, she also has impeccable fashion taste these days). I wish she had had given the filmmakers some tips of how to properly edit a documentary though (her final interview has her being drowned out by music that slowly creeps in).


It bears repeating, but even if it does feel a bit amateurish, Unearthed & Untold is a perfectly fine documentary, though solely for fans with a lot of time on their hands. I feel like it could have been featured as an extra on a Blu-Ray rather than as a standalone release, but I'm just some schmuck talking about movies on a blog that most people don't read. If you want to check it out, it is currently streaming on both Shudder and Amazon Prime, and the Blu-Ray from Synapse isn't too pricey either.



*whew* Time for Day 18.

So this isn't the first time during this year's Unseen Terror marathon that I'm tackling a television series for an entry (go back about a week or so for my usual foray into the Goosebumps show from the 1990s). The difference between that bit of corny nostalgia and the following choice is primarily due to anticipation and genuine excitement.


As a teenager, I never imagined that we would live in a time where horror seeped its way into the world of television this frequently, and that most of these programs would be lovingly embraced. Some of the most noteworthy shows, be they on cable or exclusively available through streaming services include American Horror Story, The Walking Dead, Stranger Things, The Haunting of Hill House, Hemlock Grove, and more that I have yet to sit down and watch myself. Perhaps the success of those spearheaded the opportunity for Creepshow: The Series to become a reality. Announced back in July of 2018, this anthology series is the first in a number of years to feature the name shared with the 1982 and 1987 films that are beloved by so many horror fans. Though o.g. creators George Romero and Stephen King are sadly absent this time around (Romero passed away two years ago), series veterans Greg Nicotero and Tom Savini, who both previously worked in the effects department for the original two features, have returned to help out (with Nicotero serving as producer). As of the time of this writing, I discovered that Savini himself also directs a segment in one of the episodes, but it has yet to air. No, you didn't read that wrong. Creepshow is a weekly episodic show, meaning that you can't just immediately marathon the entire shebang during one pizza-filled afternoon. Deal with it.


Anyway, as for the quality of the content found within, Creepshow is off to a fairly good start. The first episode features an adaptation of the Stephen King story "Gray Matter" from his collection "Night Shift." Directed by Greg Nicotero himself, the story of a boy whose father develops a "drinking problem" features performers such as Tobin Bell (Saw) and Adrienne Barbeau (also of original Creepshow fame) and a slew of in-jokes and nods to other King works. I always thought that the original story was fairly creepy, and they managed to do a faithful job with this one. The second story of the first episode is "House of the Head," which could prove to very divisive with some fans solely due to how incredibly odd it is. Written by Josh Malerman (whose printed works include Bird Box and Unbury Carol) and directed by John Harrison (known for composing the scores to Day of the Dead and the original Creepshow, along with directing Tales from the Darkside: The Movie), it's a peculiar tale of a little girl's dollhouse being visited by a severed head that I'm still not quite sure how to rate. I give it points for originality, but feel like it drags in parts. There is a very good chance that I'll be re-watching this one sooner than I expected to, just so I can finally have a real opinion on it.


From beginning to end, episode two has been my favorite of this series so far. "Bad Wolf Down" feels the most like an original Creepshow idea (it even has some of the same lighting effects from the o.g. flick) and sports a wonderfully silly performance from Jeffrey Combs as a Nazi colonel seeking revenge against some American soldiers, who themselves receive some unusual assistance in dealing with these racist shitbags. It's also one of the few stories featured in this anthology not to be based on previously existing material. But it pales in comparison to what is likely to be the standout of this entire month-long run: "The Finger." Written by David J. Schow of The Crow fame and directed by Nicotero yet again, it is a darkly comedic story about a lonely loser (DJ Qualls of Road Trip and The Man in the High Castle fame) who acquires a gangly-looking finger that begins to slowly grow over time. It is strange, charming, funny, and kind of adorable. There's also some pleasant practical effects work which us older horror fans don't see nearly enough of these days. I don't want to give too much away, but I think I smell the money of merchandising.


Unfortunately, episode 3 delivers the first real stinker of the series with "All Hallows Eve," which is also directed by John Harrison. It's an annoying story about kids terrorizing a neighborhood on Halloween and it honestly isn't very exciting to watch, even if it does try to pay homage to some of the old EC Comics twists with its own. Thankfully, the second story (the oddly-named and very blunt "The Man in the Suitcase") is a real home run with how sinister and amusing it can be. It has enough of a good mixture of old and new horror elements to keep your interest throughout its short running time. Good stuff.


I'll likely finish the rest of Creepshow: The Series by the time that this year's marathon wraps up. So far, I'm enjoying it for the most part and would suggest getting Shudder (even if its only for a month) to check this bad boy out.



And despite some of the problems found in this series, it's still better than Creepshow 3.



Wait, I've never watched Creepshow 3.



Let's change that for the 19th day, shall we?

…………..I......just......man. Everyone warned me about Creepshow 3 and its lack of quality in every department, but I never listened. Overexaggerating tends to be a problem in the horror community, but this amount of negativity was warranted. By the time of this film's production, the rights to Creepshow belonged to Taurus Entertainment rather than Warner Bros, and they decided after staying silent for twenty years, the time was right to resurrect the Creeper and make a new horror anthology that could please old and new fans alike. They did not succeed. Perhaps the lack of involvement from anyone noteworthy from the previous flicks is to blame.


Lead story "Alice" is based around a bratty teenager whose entire life gets twisted around when her father comes into possession of a universal remote that does things like turn her family into a different race every time he tries to adjust the color setting on their television. She also begins melting every time something freaky happens (because of course she does). What could end up as a clever discussion on race relationships and how to treat one another ends up lacking anything interesting and just feels like a waste of time. It also has one of the most befuddling and nonsensical endings that I've seen in a number of years. "The Radio" stars A.J. Bowen of You're Next and The House of the Devil fame. He deserves far better than this tale of a guy who buys a new radio off of a street vendor that begins to have conversations with him and drives him to madness and murder. This had potential, but it just never quite hits the mark and feels like cinematic Nyquil at times. In the hands of better writers and directors, I feel like it could have worked as a segment in another horror anthology, but it doesn't feel like a Creepshow segment. "Call Girl" has Eileen Dietz of The Exorcist fame (she was the face of Pazuzu) in a brief cameo as a homeless woman. It certainly is nice to see her, but this story of a killer prostitute who has a bit of a problem with one of her clients is predictable, features effects that even the Asylum would shake their heads at (this is Spirit of Halloween-levels of cheapness), and again, feels like it doesn't belong in an anthology that bears the infamous name of Creepshow. Lame. The fourth segment, a.k.a. "The Professor's Wife," takes some influence from The Stepford Wives but tonally is an absolute mess and features some truly awful writing. Lousy. "Haunted Dog" is if you took "The Hitch-Hiker" from Creepshow 2 and removed anything memorable. It also goes on for what feels like a lifetime and by the time it's over, you may want to question your movie-watching choices like I did. Whack as fuck. I should mention that there's also a wraparound story (of sorts) with characters from each individual segment popping up in other people's own segments (ala Pulp Fiction or Sin City), but given how boring all of them are, you won't be able to muster anything other than deep, pained sighs.


On review aggregator Rottentomatoes.com, this film is sitting at a whopping ZERO PERCENT. Even by bad horror movie standards, that is extremely rare. And you know what? It absolutely deserves it. This was the first movie on this year's marathon to legitimately make me angry, and I'll be as nice as I can be here by saying that is will likely end up in the bottom ten of worst movies I've watched since beginning this journey back in 2011. It isn't enjoyable in any sense of the word, it's an insult to the two previous Creepshow movies, and lacks anything remotely charming, meaningful, or even fun. Even without the moniker, this would still stink. Don't waste your time on this one. Instead, seek out Tales from the Darkside: The Movie. Tom Savini has reportedly gone on record stating that the latter is the "real" Creepshow 3, and based on the quality of stories in the two pictures, I'm inclined to agree. Or better yet, go watch Mike Dougherty's awesome Trick 'r Treat for the first or tenth time.




Tomorrow, I need a cleanser. ANYTHING has to be an improvement over that last film.

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 15

This wasn't supposed to happen god damn it.

Peaking this early is usually unheard of whenever I do this silly marathon.

I suppose that expecting quality from one of horror's most underappreciated artists was a given, but I still don't think that I was ready for Lucio Fulci's The Beyond. Being more than familiar with the man's body of work, this has somehow slipped though my fingers every time that I tried to watch it. Whether it was due to bad timing, the physical copy of the Blu-Ray being stolen from my job, or just laziness, the full-length feature that is widely considered by historians to be the best picture from the late Italian director just never quite made it onto the countdown. Seeing as how I'm now thirty-four, there were no more excuses left and I finally sat down, pressed play, and prepared for whatever would come about.

The plot to The Beyond is a fairly simple one, though it certainly doesn't unfold the way that you expect it to. A young woman named Liza inherits a hotel in Louisiana, and plans to re-open the establishment once renovations have been completed. Unbeknownst to her, the property has a sinister history to it: fifty-four years prior, a painter was brutally murdered by a suspicious band of townsfolk, who suspected the man of practicing black magic in an attempt to bring about hell on earth. Following a serious of bizarre (and occasionally fatal) accidents and an encounter with a blind girl named Emily who warns the new caretaker to leave the premises that she seems so intent on reopening, Liza begins to feel like something is very, very wrong with the inn. That is the best that I can do for The Beyond's plot, because what follows is a series of very odd, violent, and nightmarish sequences that make you wonder what is real and what isn't. This story is about confusing the audience, but not actually leaving them "confused." Look, I know that may sound very pretentious, but trust me on this one.

Cast-wise, the most memorable of this crew is easily actress Cinzia Monreale. Sporting white contact lenses and body language that gives the viewers an idea that there's more to her than meets the eye (I'll see myself out) to this mysterious stranger. The technical aspects of The Beyond are also impressive, and extra credit has to be given to cinematographer Sergio Salvati as well, whose previous work with Fulci on Zombie (aka Zombi 2) was equally impressive, and the two have been able to craft an otherworldly feel that permeates throughout a number of pictures. Then there's composer Fabio Frizzi, who in this humble geek's opinion, should be celebrated just as much as his fellow countrymen in Goblin. The score to The Beyond is equal parts grandiose and threatening, and the main theme in particular sounds as close to watching our world come to an end as I've heard in quite a while. But you don't want me to talk about how great the music or camera work is, do you? Nooooo, you want me to talk about the nasty material, a.k.a. what attracts a majority of newcomers to the world of Italian horror classics: the over-the-top gore. Well, I'm sorry to say, but The Beyond doesn't sport a single drop of blood. None. Nothing is spilled in the moments where a woman has sulfuric acid poured onto her face, or when a dog violently tears open someone's throat, or when someone is shot in the face which results in their head bursting like an egg that is thrown off the top of a building.

The bloodshed in The Beyond is some of the most ghastly that I've seen to date in any Unseen Terror entry, and it is so masterfully done that you'll be smiling like a madman right after squirming like a child at the doctor's office. To use music analogies: if the violence in Dario Argento's films were Neurosis, then this is Carcass. This means that if you're squeamish (one particular scene gave me uneasy flashbacks to when I was a child and freaked out over the film Arachnophobia), be very careful. So, now that the ass kissing is out of the way, I have to talk about some of the problems with this gem. As stated above, sometimes the movie starts to fall apart by filling in the time to do things because it's likely that Fulci and his crew think said moments are cool enough to make you realize that they're kind of irrelevant to the plot or make zero sense in the context of everything. The ending is also a bit of a head scratcher (and seems rather abrupt), but if you piece portions of the script together, it makes more sense.

I have at least sixteen other flicks to watch before October ends, but Lucio Fulci's The Beyond has set the bar pretty high for those to come. It's a dark, shocking, strange, bloody, and ultimately mesmerizing piece of Italian horror that is essential for anyone looking to venture out beyond the realm of "traditional" cinema, especially of the more grim variety. Unfortunately, it appears as those the exquisite Blu-Ray from Grindhouse Releasing is close to (if not already) going out of print, so acquiring a copy should be done as soon as possible. If you prefer your films streamed however, then you are in luck as Shudder has the film (along with many of Fulci's other works) available to watch whenever you have the free time, while Amazon Prime has it under the title when it was cut up and released in the U.S: 7 Doors of Death.

Heck while you're at it, go watch City of the Living Dead or Zombie too and we can argue about which of the three has the most repulsive sequences involving facial harm. We'll totally look like normal when doing so.

Tomorrow, I'm taking another quick break from full-length features in search of some...."creepy" television.