Ryan's Best and Worst of 2013: Part 1

Hello. I realize that posts on here have been rather nonexistent since my Blue Ruin review, and I can only ascribe that to a myriad of problems, be they financial or personal. Whatever the case, this is no excuse when it comes to posting my inevitable "End of the Year" lists. Sure, I am about a week or two removed from the mostly miserable year known as 2013 being over, but the year did have a good amount of bright spots in the three things that help me keep a grasp on my sanity: movies, music, and mixed martial arts. There were also some fine moments that came out of the mostly-irritating promotion known as "World Wrestling Entertainment," though they love to seemingly do more to irk me rather than please me it seems. Procrastination and rambling aside, let us move forward. For those apathetic towards the world of mixed martial arts and professional wrestling, I may have to ask you to come back later for the important stuff (also known as the subjects that usually don't involve half naked individuals hurting one another).


Let us start with the WWE, since it will be easier and quicker to write about. And speaking of quicker and easier, my own lethargy will help get some of these other categories out of the way.

Best PPV: Summerslam 2013 (August 18, 2013) (even with the last match's victor losing his belt in eight seconds and with it leading to a push down the card)

Worst PPV: Battleground (October 6, 2013) (quite possibly the worst ending to a PPV in years)

Most Underrated: Antonio Cesaro (tied with Dolph Ziggler and Tyson Kidd. Push these people!)

Most Overrated: Randy Orton (not a terrible performer, but horrendously boring and stale this year)

Best Gimmick: The Wyatt Family (the creepiest and most unique promos this company has ever had, despite them not being tremendous performers)

Worst Gimmick: Bad News Barrett (idiotic comedy coming from a very underrated performer. Late WCW-era levels of groaning)

Best Tag Team: Cody Rhodes and Goldust (an astonishing return from the latter)

Worst Tag Team: Ryback and Curtis Axel (two negatives do not make a positive)




MATCH OF THE YEAR:

CM Punk v. Brock Lesnar (August 18, 2013)

The hype and build up to this was more than justified. Lesnar returning to the world of professional wrestling was a good reminder as to why he was so sorely missed: if booked properly, the man comes across as a monster, seemingly incapable of being stopped due to his sheer size, power, and credentials. Well, unless your name is Alistair Overeem or Cain Velasquez. That being said, along with individuals like Daniel Bryan, Antonio Cesaro, and the faction known as The Shield, CM Punk helps prevent me from changing the channel during these hard times. Perhaps you can attribute this to his demeanor, look, or honest-to-god great skills inside of the ring. Whatever the case, the resulting match was pure magic, albeit painful, cruel, and grueling. The only disappointment was the ignorance on the part of the WWE to even recognize its greatness during their own "Slammys" program at the end of the year (the borefest known as The Rock v. Cena 2 gets MOTY and this doesn't even get a NOMINATION?!). But sometimes the best matches, regardless of the sport, go unnoticed in the eyes of the corporate head honchos. This is what you should show to the folks who have since given up on this lost art form.

Honorable Mentions:

John Cena v. CM Punk (February 25, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. John Cena (August 18, 2013)
Cody Rhodes/Goldust v. Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins (October 6, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Antonio Cesaro (July 22, 2013)
The Undertaker v. CM Punk (April 7, 2013)




WORST MATCH OF THE YEAR:

Total Divas v. True Divas (November 25, 2013)

Is it unfair to put a match featuring nearly every modern WWE "Diva" in this category? Possibly. But it doesn't excuse the match from being a total mess. I could go on a full fledged rant about the state of female wrestling in this company, and how they are clearly frightened to bring in any real talent (excluding "NXT's" Paige and Natalya Neidhart), but I don't feel I'd be saying anything that hasn't already been said. This was just a rushed, stupefying, and all around bad match. From what I understand, the match that preceded this the night before at Survivor Series (with the EXACT SAME TEAMS) was just as terrible, but I was working the night of that card. So this will have to do for now.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Mark Henry v. Ryback (April 7, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Randy Orton (October 6, 2013)
Total Divas v. True Divas (any and all other times are acceptable)




BEST WRESTLER:

Daniel Bryan

While I don't believe there was a single person screwed over by a company any worse this year (save for Bellator's Eddie Alvarez), the man still transformed from mid-carder to main eventer and the fans absolutely loved every second of it. Alas, he is back down on the card, but the impact of his ascension has been felt. His "YES!" chants are more abundant than ever, more people (young and old) are talking about him than before, and if you believe the dirt sheets, he's poised for a major match at Wrestlemania that a very select few get to be a part of. I certainly hope that he's back in the title picture again soon, but even if he isn't, he may have been elevated above any title currently in the company.

Honorable Mentions:

CM Punk
John Cena (before you crucify me for this, let it be known that I can not stomach the guy, and think that about 90% of his matches are wretched to sit through. That being said, the man actually had a great year for memorable performances, including matches with the aforementioned Bryan, Punk, Damien Sandow, and the Shield. I await and welcome arguments)




WORST WRESTLER OF THE YEAR:

The Great Khali

I am completely baffled as to why this man is still on the roster. Immobile, sloppy, and embarrassing to watch these days, this former world champion has been reduced to a chest-slapping comedy character, and not a very good one at that. While I'm not completely against comedy in my wrestling, knowing that this man will most likely be confined to a wheelchair makes me more sad than anything, and I wish the WWE would just let the man retire while he is ahead.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

The Miz
Ryback
Eva Marie






Well, for all of you bickering and impatient people, the "fake" stuff is done and dealt with. Now, let us move on to the bloodier part of this post: the mixed martial arts awards. Before listing off my choices, I must preface this by saying that I was not witness to every single critically acclaimed bout that took place this year, as my work schedule was very erratic and I value sleep more than I ever did before (having two seizures will do that to you). So Jon Jones v. Alexander Gustafsson will be nowhere on here, simply because I have not seen it. Let's move on before you bite me in the face.




BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:

Mark Hunt draws Antonio "Bigfoot" Silva (December 7, 2013)

It is a miracle that both men were still standing and breathing after this war of attrition. What was all the more astonishing was that the former PRIDE FC standout and former Elite XC Heavyweight Champion are friends, having trained together multiple times at the camp known as "American Top Team." Over the course of twenty-five minutes, we witnessed two men refuse to quit, even if their own bodies would give out and their chins would deteriorate into nothingness. Covered in blood, exhausted, and most likely damaged for worse in the long run, this was an incredible bout that could go down as the best bout in the UFC's long standing heavyweight division. The announcement at the end from ring announcer Bruce Buffer of "This fight is considered a Majority Draw" would normally incite wrath from the usually irritable MMA community, but it was a fitting and comforting end to a gruesome, legendary contest, wherein we wanted to see neither warrior lose. The highlight video I have posted above does not do it justice.

Honorable Mentions:

Dennis Bermudez d. Matt Grice (February 23, 2013)
Wanderlei Silva d. Brian Stann (March 3, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Matt Brown d. Jordan Mein (April 20, 2013)
Gilbert Melendez d. Diego Sanchez (October 19, 2013)


WORST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:

Ovince St. Preux d. Gian Vilante (April 27, 2013)

I'm sure there are more high profile bouts that could end up in this spot, but this one takes the cake due to the sheer incompetence of the referee involved. While the two rounds that preceded round three of this bout were very tepid and underwhelming, the decision to stop the fight due to an eye poke, without giving the recipient any time to recover and regain vision (which is usually customary), was flabbergasting. True, both men have since regained some of their former glory, each going on to win their next scheduled bouts, but this leaves a stain that can't quite be washed away.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Jake Shields d. Tyron Woodley (June 15, 2013)
Rory MacDonald d. Jake Ellenberger (July 27, 2013)
Soa Palelei d. Nikita Krylov (August 31, 2013)




ROUND OF THE YEAR:

Gilbert Melendez v. Diego Sanchez: Round 3 (October 19, 2013)

What, no video you say? Well, you should probably go seek out this entire fight anyway, regardless of which round I choose to shower with praise. The original Ultimate Fighter winner proved he can still throw down and throw caution to the wind if it comes down to it, while the former Strikeforce and WEC Lightweight Champion channeled his frustration following a tough loss to former champion Benson Henderson into a sensational, blood-drawing rage that few had seen before. By the time that the final five minutes rolled around, both men looked like they had seen better days, but Sanchez came back with flurries aplenty, dropping the former champion, and even coming close to finishing the bout. A magnificent display of violence, even if it will most likely lead to permanent brain damage for both men.

Honorable Mentions:

Matt Brown v. Jordan Mein: Round 1 (April 20, 2013)
Ronda Rousey v. Liz Carmouche: Round 1 (February 23, 2013)




FIGHTER OF THE YEAR:

Demetrious Johnson

I'll eat a big ol' bowl of crow for this one. I've never been the world's biggest fan of the man nicknamed "Mighty Mouse," but he sure as hell won me over this year. Tough, fast, skilled beyond belief, and full of surprises, Johnson managed to defend his Flyweight title three separate times in 2013, with each  defense being more memorable than the last. There's a special kind of criticism reserved for champions of the old guard, saying that they prefer to play it safe these days and rely on the rather unpopular form known as "point fighting" in order to keep their championships and legacy intact. Johnson is the opposite of such, constantly working for submissions in his bout with John Moraga, coming back from a near stoppage against John Dodson to attempt multiple fight-ending methods, and becoming the first individual to stop the incredibly tough Joseph Benavidez. I can not wait to see him fight again this year, even if he has cleared out most of the division.

Honorable Mentions:
Renan Barao
Robbie Lawler
Chris Weidman
Cain Velasquez




KNOCKOUT OF THE YEAR:

Chris Weidman d. Anderson Silva (July 6, 2013)

This was a rather difficult choice to make. On one hand, it may not have been the flashiest display of technique you'll see, but in terms of awe-inspiring madness, this will stand the test of time. This was the 2013 version of Fabricio Werdum upsetting Fedor Emelianenko, even if the betting odds were nowhere near as wide as that bout was. Silva's aura in the UFC was incomparable, having never lost a single fight in the octagon, and Weidman was coming off a yearlong layoff. It was assumed we'd get one of two things: an easy win for "The Spider," or five rounds of Weidman trying to grind out a decision (note: Weidman is usually a finisher, I'm just going with wrestler logic). This was the type of upset that didn't just make your jaw drop, it stuck with you weeks after it happened. Sadly, I could say the same for the terrifying result of their rematch on the final card of the year.

Honorable Mentions:

Emanuel Newton d. Muhammed "King Mo" Lawal (February 21, 2013)
Josh Thomson d. Nate Diaz (April 20, 2013)
Vitor Belfort d. Luke Rockhold (May 18, 2013)
Dong-Hyun Kim d. Erick Silva (October 9, 2013)
Douglas Lima d. Ben Saunders (September 20, 2013)




SUBMISSION OF THE YEAR:

Josh Burkman d. Jon Fitch (June 14, 2013)

Hard. As. Fuck. And not in the sexual way. It might be the only way one could describe such a shocking moment though. Fitch was still ranked in most people's top ten lists, and was coming off of an unwarranted release from the UFC. On the other end, Josh Burkman was a UFC castoff, having not competed in the organization for four years. The mostly new league, World Series of Fighting, was looking for their first truly memorable moment of the year, and Burkman's cold killer mentality during and after the fight provided them with it. True, infamously inept referee Steve Mazzagatti deserves a wag of the finger for not noticing Fitch was unconscious following the guillotine choke that Burkman applied, but at least Josh had enough sense to let go when he felt his opponent (who he had lost to seven years prior) go limp. This was the MMA equivalent of a Rotten Sound song: short, angry, brutal, and very sweet.

Honorable Mentions:

Rose Namajunas d. Kathina Catron (April 5, 2013)
Anthony Pettis d. Benson Henderson (August 31, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Erick Silva d. Jason High (June 8, 2013)



ROBBERY OF THE YEAR:

Phil Davis d. Lyoto Machida (August 3, 2013)

If Krusty the Clown didn't describe this perfectly (there is no highlight video for a reason), I'll just state that I partially blame this atrocious decision for my first of two seizures this year, given that not even twelve hours later, I was waking up in the hospital with no recollection of how I arrived. Most judges are still scoring fights based on who presses forward more, or if they even manage to sneak one good takedown into the rather uneventful fray. Sadly, this archaic mindset will probably never fade away, and the sometimes controversial Machida was robbed of a big victory in his own home country. Thankfully, things look up for the former Light Heavyweight Champion as he has dropped down to Middleweight, and looks to begin a new campaign of splitting wigs.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions

Georges St-Pierre d. Johny Hendricks (November 16, 2013)
Francis Carmont d. Lorenz Larkin (April 20, 2013)
Diego Sanchez d. Takanori Gomi (March 3, 2013)




BEST CARD OF THE YEAR: 

UFC on Fuel TV 10: Nogueira v. Werdum (June 8, 2013)

Setting the record for "most submissions" in a single event isn't easy to do, but you have to give the Brazilians on this card props, since they went fairly crazy at this event and set the record at eight. True, a lot of these bouts seemed custom-made for easy victories, but entertainment is entertainment, regardless of the caliber of competition involved. Thiago Silva managed to snag his first clean victory in four years, Erick Silva secured a beautiful triangle-armbar combination on the returning Jason High, the Ultimate Fighter Brazil 2 finale bout didn't end up looking like a joke, and Fabricio Werdum showed off his always impressive Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu by submitting the legendary Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, which is certainly no easy task. The crowd seemed to be smiling and celebrating throughout this entire evening, and one certainly couldn't blame them as they were getting their money's worth and more.


Honorable Mentions:

UFC on Fox Sports 1: Shogun v. Sonnen (August 17, 2013)
UFC Fight For the Troops 3 (November 6, 2013)
UFC 168 (December 28, 2013)


WORST CARD OF THE YEAR:

UFC 161

Like last year's recipient (the truly bad UFC 149), this had potential. A proposed rematch years in the making (Mauricio Rua v. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira) and an interim title fight (Renan Barao v. Eddie Wineland) could have made this worthwhile. Instead, a decrepit and disappointing match between Rashad Evans and Dan Henderson drew low PPV buys, and little-to-nothing in the way of fan interest. Couple that with a terrible prelim closer (Jake Shields v. Tyron Woodley did not help draw in skeptics, and may have provided them with a nice nap), and you have the clearcut winner for the worst mixed martial arts card of the year.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

UFC 159 (April 27, 2013)
Bellator Fighting Championships Inaugural PPV (November 2, 2013. Notable because the entire thing NEVER ENDED UP HAPPENING)


And there you have it for part one of my delayed, but fairly packed Best and Worst of 2013. In terms of other notable incidents worth talking about from the worlds of professional wrestling and mixed martial arts, I think the WWE Network sounds like a phenomenal deal, and the UFC Fight Pass can bite my scrotum. If there was an upset of the year, I'd say that Daniel Strauss defeating Pat Curran at the Bellator show on November 2nd would be my clearcut winner, though Robbie Lawler defeating Rory MacDonald is a very close second. Come back soon(ish) for the best of the rest, featuring my favorite and least favorite picks in music and movies!

Like Water (2011) Review

Anderson "The Spider" Silva is the most prolific middleweight champion the mixed martial arts world has ever seen. Stringing together seven consecutive title defenses, without so much as having an ounce of trouble doing it, and even going above his own weight class to dominate former champions there, he can seemingly do no wrong. After his seventh title defense is negatively received, however, he finds himself challenged by a new, brash contender named Chael Sonnen, and we bare witness to the behind the scenes footage for what turns out to be one of the most talked about matches in UFC, or MMA, history.

This documentary finally solves the question I've had for several years now: where did Chael Sonnen's infamous "He couldn't be more wrong!" mini-speech (heard regularly on Sherdog.com) come from?

That bit of silliness aside, I've been waiting for several years to catch this documentary, and I'm glad that it didn't disappoint. I've had mixed feelings myself about Silva over the years, but this does convey him as not an arrogant fighting god, but rather a humble, grateful, and strongly family-oriented human being. Silva isn't treating this fight as a joke, and even through the glimpses we catch of his bout with Demian Maia (the man he defeated by unanimous decision prior to the first Sonnen fight), we begin to understand his own comments and philosophy towards the art of fighting. There's even a segment midway through Like Water where we see Silva's own skills as a coach on hand for fellow Black House fighter Damaso "Dan Dan" Pereira.

Silva himself isn't the only one humanized in the film's seventy six minute running time (which is criminally short for such a fascinating individual), as we also see focus on Silva's longtime manager and friend Ed Soares, who himself sometimes struggles with the champ's growing frustration with what can be simply referred to as "repetitive media questions." Soares is portrayed in a more positive light than UFC President Dana White, who appears briefly to comment on the champion's history and his own occasional frustrations with him. Hell, even Chael Sonnen isn't portrayed nearly as bad as one might think.

For those who have seen the now infamous battle between Silva and Sonnen, this might disappoint you, as while it may give you chills, this isn't exactly a biographical documentary on the Brazilian. True, we learn about his life growing up briefly, and we catch glimpses of his family and social life, but the primary focus is the buildup to the fight. I personally would have liked to see some footage of Anderson's tenure in the now defunct PRIDE FC, where he had two very notable defeats that almost had him hanging up the gloves for a teaching job, or to learn what led to him leaving Chute Boxe, the legendary Brazilian camp that spawned a murderer's row of champions.

Like Water is ultimately very satisfying to watch though, even if you don't particularly care for this oftentimes brutal sport. It showcases the very real issues and discipline involved that, sadly, is still sometimes looked down upon by mainstream media. Obrigado.

2012: The Best of the Rest and the Rest of the Not So Best

As I stated a couple of posts ago, 2012 has been one heck of an interesting year. Mercifully, the rest of this year's picks, be they good and bad, can be wrapped up in this one post as opposed to several. First, I present my picks for the best and worst in mixed martial arts for 2012. If this doesn't interest you, skip down for movies and the like.




BEST CARD: UFC 144

For the first time in twelve years (not counting the "crossover" with PRIDE FC in 2003), the Ultimate Fighting Championship returned to the land of the rising sun, and in terms of entertainment, it didn't disappoint. For once, the crowd was respectful and rarely booed, most likely due to Japan's respect for the art of combat and them not being adjourned in atrocious apparel. There were plenty of memorable moments in this one, including former PRIDE stars Takanori Gomi and Mark Hunt scoring huge wins, a new lightweight champion being crowned (in a great bout too nonetheless), another highlight reel addition from Anthony Pettis via first round headkick, Quinton Jackson's slam on Ryan Bader (despite the fact that he still lost), and Tim Boetsch's come from behind victory over dominant Yushin Okami. The organization has scheduled a return to Saitama Super Arena for March, with Wanderlei Silva v. Brian Stann headlining and Diego Sanchez v. Takanori Gomi/Stefan Struve v. Mark Hunt on the undercard. I for one, can't wait, and will be requesting off of work to watch it in all its glory.

Honorable mentions:

UFC on FOX 4
UFC 142
UFC on FOX 5




WORST CARD: UFC 149

Despite a rather solid undercard, the bad far outweighed the good with this one, especially when you consider what COULD have been on this card. Let me show you some of the bouts canceled due to injuries and/or schedule conflicts...

Jose Aldo/Erik Koch
Michael Bisping/Tim Boetsch
Yoshihiro Akiyama/Thiago Alves (later changed to Alves/Siyar Bahadurzada, also scrapped)
Mauricio "Shogun" Rua/Thiago Silva
Bibiano Fernandes/Roland Delorme
Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira/Cheick Kongo

While the finalized main card did have its fair share of stars among MMA die hards, it paled in comparison. So did the fights. Outside of Matthew Riddle/Chris Clements, there wasn't much to salvage from them. Hell, even the interim bantamweight title fight between Urijah Faber and Renan Barao was average at best. I'd advise staying far away, unless you need a good night's sleep. You know your event is bad when even Dana White is blasting it, comparing it to the infamous UFC 33, despite drawing a record gate.

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTION:

ALL Canceled Strikeforce Cards

Easy target, I know, but jesus, did you see those things? Nobody even seemed upset when they announced that they were scrapped, and for good reason.



BEST FIGHTER: Benson Henderson

In this category, nobody else really came close. Benson hasn't lost once inside of the UFC, and only has one (admittedly) close defeat under Zuffa employ. While I'll admit that I think he lost the second bout with Frankie Edgar, his deconstruction of Nathan Diaz and the first Edgar fight helped secure him the spot this year. I look forward to seeing what new challengers await the lightweight king, be they from Strikeforce (Gilbert Melendez), the UFC (rematches with Cerrone or Pettis), or elsewhere (Eddie Alvarez). He still won't be able to elicit an "AMEN!" from me however.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Jon Jones Joe Lauzon
Chris Weidman
Dustin Poirier



WORST FIGHTER: Jason "Mayhem" Miller

I neglected to do this category last year, but this is a new year now, and I'll be more than happy to add this to the negative categories. It pains to start with someone I genuinely like so much though. From losing to C.B. Dollaway (REALLY?!), to his release almost immediately afterwards, to his bizarre appearance on the MMA Hour, to being arrested for breaking into a church (and being found nude no less), to starring in a movie with Kevin Fucking James, this was not a good year for Mayhem monkeys. While he himself has admitted to turning in weird performances all around this year, it still doesn't excuse the consistent crappiness that we had to bare witness to. Better luck in your future endeavors Jason.

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Steve Cantwell (while he may have only fought once this year, he is still the first fighter to have five STRAIGHT losses inside of the cage in the organization's history)
Bob Sapp (do I really need to explain this one? Go watch any fight of his from the past three years)



BEST FIGHT: Chan-Sung Jung def. Dustin Poirier (d'arce choke, Round 4)-UFC on Fuel 3

Ladies and gentlemen, a star is born. Or more born. Fuck it, proper and incorrect terminology withstanding, this was outstanding throughout every round. I only wish I hadn't been so lazy to drive to the event myself, given that it wasn't too far from where I grew up. The hype for both featherweight contenders was very much real and the tension about who would come out on top was palpable. In the end, it was the man nicknamed "The Korean Zombie" who emerged victorious after sixteen minutes of madness, and surprisingly, it was by the preferred technique of the challenger. Jung should be returning from injury very soon, and the talks of him earning a title shot against the winner or Jose Aldo/Frankie Edgar are still fresh in everyone's minds.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Joe Lauzon def. Jamie Varner (triangle choke, Round 3)-UFC on FOX 4
Jim Miller def. Joe Lauzon (Unanimous Decision)-UFC 155
Sarah Kaufman def. Alexis Davis (majority decision)-Strikeforce: Tate v. Rousey
Miesha Tate def. Julie Kedzie (armbar, Round 3)-Strikeforce: Rousey v. Kaufman

Before anyone crucifies me by the way, I sadly did NOT see Erick Silva v. Jon Fitch from UFC 153, though I have heard tremendous reviews of the bout itself.




WORST FIGHT: Cheick Kongo def. Shawn Jordan (Unanimous Decision)-UFC 149

This fight was bad and you should feel bad. If you're into watching Cheick Kongo clinch for fifteen minutes and receive payback for all of the groin strikes he's dished out throughout his career, this might be for you. Otherwise, you're better off taking a shit in your hand and eating it. I despise booing in mixed martial arts settings, but every boo was completely warranted here, and I hope I never have to watch Shawn Jordan on a main card ever again.

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Yushin Okami def. Alan Belcher (Unanimous Decision)-UFC 155
Ronny Markes def. Aaron Simpson (Split Decision)-UFC on Fuel 1
Gray Maynard def. Clay Guida (Split Decision)-UFC on FX 4
Bob Sapp v. the world




ROUND OF THE YEAR: Ivan Menjivar v. John Albert (UFC on Fuel 1)

While I admit that the headline fight of Diego Sanchez v. Jake Ellenberger was a damn good fight in its own right, this bantamweight scrap stole the show for me, and showed why more often than not, the smaller fighters put on the most entertaining affairs. Within these three minutes and forty six seconds, we witnessed everything that makes for a memorable war: submission attempts, solid exchanges on the feet, and a good old fashioned comeback victory. Watch this while youtube still has it up, I implore you.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Donald Cerrone v. Melvin Guillard (Round 1)-UFC 150

Eddie Alvarez v. Patricky Freire (Round 1)-Bellator 76





BEST KNOCKOUT: Edson Barboza def. Terry Etim (Spinning Wheel Kick, Round 3)- UFC 142 

The first spinning wheel kick knockout in UFC history, with Etim's body going stiff serving as the sprinkles on top of the cupcake. I'd spend more time talking about this one, but just watch it for yourself.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Nick Denis def. Joseph Sandoval (Elbows, Round 1)-UFC on FX 1 (HELLBOWS REIGN SUPREME)
Siyar Bahadurzada def. Paulo Thiago (Punch, Round 1)-UFC on Fuel 2 (there's a reason his nickname is "The Killer")
Andrew Craig def. Rafael Natal (head kick, Round 2)-UFC on Fuel 4 (a come from behind kick of death)
Ryan Jimmo def. Anthony Perosh (Punch, Round 1)-UFC 149 (one of the five fastest knockouts in UFC history)
Lyoto Machida def. Ryan Bader (punch, Round 2)-UFC on FOX 4 (only made better by Lyoto's bowing over Bader's body)
Cung Le def. Rich Franklin (Punch, Round 1)-UFC on Fuel 6 (painful for the older fans to watch, but incredible for highlight reel fans)
Nate Marquardt def. Tyron Woodley (punches, Round 4)-Strikeforce: Rockhold v. Kennedy (because walkoff KOs are always worth mentioning)




BEST SUBMISSION: Demian Maia def. Rick Story (neck crank, Round 1)-UFC 153

I'm going to let a bit of my fanboy slip out here, but this one made me personally happy, as I think Story and his camp are comprised of meatheads and bullies, and I'm a big Demian Maia fan. It took the BJJ wizard only two and a half minutes to lock on a nasty neck crank from behind, causing enough pressure to make Story's nose drip blood. It seemed as if life itself was being squeezed from the former top 10 welterweight, and it helped Maia earn his first submission win since 2009. Beautiful in its brutality.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Charles Oliveira def. Eric Wisely (Calf Slicer)- UFC on FOX 2
Dustin Poirier def. Max Holloway (mounted triangle armbar, Round 1)-UFC 143
Matt Wiman def. Paul Sass (armbar, Round 1)-UFC on FUEL 5
Rani Yahya def. Josh Grispi (north-south choke, Round 1)-UFC on FOX 4
Vinny Magalhaes def. Igor Pokrajac (armbar, Round 2)-UFC 152



BIGGEST ROBBERY: UFC 151: The Card That Never Was

True, the card wasn't likely to draw record numbers, and featured a myriad of fights that were probably best left on undercards of free television events, but this still sits with me as the biggest middle finger of the year. Jones/Henderson was a captivating bout on paper, and would've been the true definition of old lion vs new breed. Instead, the younger fighter and champion refuses to take a short notice fight against late replacement Chael Sonnen (a blown up middleweight) and effectively, helps get the card canceled. While I don't place all of the blame on Jones and his camp, and I'm somewhat intrigued by the upcoming Jones/Sonnen season of The Ultimate Fighter, it was still a disappointment to hear that the card had been scrapped.

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Carlo Prater def. Erick Silva (DQ)- UFC 142
Cristiano Marcello def. Reza Madadi (Split Decision)-UFC 153




That does it for the MMA portion of 2012. Now, we move on to movies, movies, and movies. Unfortunately, there were a good portion of films that I missed in 2012, so this list might not be full of future oscar winners. Naturally, I don't give a shit, as these are just the five films I enjoyed the most this year, and five that I wish I had never even batted an eye towards.


An honorable mention must be given to The Raid: Redemption, an absolutely insane martial arts film that deserved all of the praise it received from fans, and featured the best fight sequences I've seen since Kung Fu Hustle from 2004. Had the story not been so basic, I think it might have made the list, but it is my only complaint about this otherwise immensely entertaining picture. I ask you to count how many times you exclaim "Fuck!" or "Oof!" during its running time.



5. Chronicle

Debuting director Josh Trank knocked it out of the park with the closest thing we're going to get to a live-action Akira, the severely underrated Chronicle, a unique take on what happens when three friends gain telekinetic abilities. The concluding twenty minutes alone deserve a spot on this countdown, and should make most big name "action" directors take note on how to do a finale properly.




4. Last Days Here

I'm very picky with my documentaries these days. While you can admit that this is favoritism at its worst here, it doesn't change the fact that this was often times tough to get through, but with such a satisfying reward. This chronicles the long time drug use and general "fuckups" of Pentagram frontman Bobby Liebling, and his several attempts to get clean and sober. Pentagram are widely looked at as one of the most overlooked bands in the metal field (despite their influence on doom metal bands far and wide), and hopefully this story of a phoenix rising from the ashes will be help them get the attention they deserve.




3. Looper

I regret not seeing this in theaters, though admittedly the experience and chance to pay attention to the story may have been tampered by the predictable cliches of theater crowds (audible, confused old folks, noisy teens, etc.). I'm also shocked at how much I've been enjoying as many time travel films as I have within these past few years. Joseph Gordon-Levitt continues to prove that he's no longer the little kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun by giving a hell of a performance, and Bruce Willis' tragic figure/alternate version of JGL's character is so interesting, that he almost makes up for the atrocities of Cop Out. Almost.




2. The Avengers/The Cabin in the Woods

Cheating? Damn right I am. In the world of pop culture, this was the year for Joss Whedon. Admittedly, I'm not a complete Whedon devotee (the script for Alien Ressurrection...*shudder*), but you can't deny that these were bonafide hits, and pretty darn awesome all around. What needs to be said about The Avengers that hasn't been said by nearly every person on the planet? It might just be the best superhero film ever created, at least in the Marvel universe. As for The Cabin in the Woods, I'm been saying to those who were skeptical about giving this viewing: it isn't what you will expect it to be, and that is the film's greatest strength. The horror genre needed something like this to be released in America, as we're still being plagued by unnecessary remakes and shameful sequels. Thankfully, this was a treat for us longtime horror fanatics, and I couldn't have had more fun.







1. Django Unchained

Remember this line from Inglourious Basterds?

Well, I have a bone to pick with the man. As good as that film was, I believe this is closer to a masterpiece for Mr. Tarantino. It might be too difficult trying to pick out the best performance in Django Unchained, as everyone is at the top of their game here. Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson give their best performances in ages, Leonardo DiCaprio is shockingly slimy, and Christoph Waltz proves that he needs to work with QT as much as humanly possible. The action is bloody and over-the-top, the dialogue very memorable (and a lot funnier than expected), and on the whole, very fun. Those who are sensitive to the subject of the film might find it a bit easier to swallow, but I think you'll be missing out. As someone who doesn't purchase many home releases anymore, this will be one I'll be happy to add to my collection as soon as humanly possible.



To quote one Bloodstain Lane, banana splits for the films mentioned above, and banana clips for the five films below that boiled my blood or just plain sucked.


5. American Reunion

This was like being excited to travel to your high school reunion, only to discover that all of the best friends you thought you had are actually schmucks, everyone acts the exact same, and are nowhere near as funny as you remembered them being. That, or maybe this just wasn't that funny. Either works fine.

4. Piranha 3DD

In this bearded weirdo's opinion, John Gulager struck gold once with the original Feast and has yet to make anything to could surpass, or even equal it. This sequel to the surprisingly fun remake from 2010 was so tepid and flat, you'd think it went straight to video. And no, I don't believe a screening in 3D will help me change my mind, as you can't polish a turd.

3. Jersey Shore Shark Attack

The film that damn near all of my friends weren't able to finish, and I'm shocked that I was able to do myself. This could have come in at number one, but it wasn't released theatrically, so I'm giving it a break (which will be the only time this film will ever get one). If you're curious about why I hated this as much as I did, click here.

2. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Please keep Nicholas Cage away from all comic book-related properties. Hell, keep him from even purchasing the books. This was just plain bad, and for that matter, it was rated PG-13. Mind you, I'm not opposed to PG-13 action films at all, but when you manage to wrangle up the directors behind the Crank films and have David S. Goyer (Dark City, the Nolan Batman trilogy) co-write the screenplay, I expect something resembling a watchable product. Needless to say, we didn't get that. Here's hoping Johnny Blaze stays far away from the big screen for a very long time.



1. The Devil Inside

So, here I am in January 2013 reminding myself of a film released nearly one year ago. I try to convince myself that this wasn't the most infuriating horror film I've watched since The Village, and that by avoiding projects like Rock of Ages, Gone, Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie, Joyful Noise, and the latest installment in the Twilight saga, I haven't truly witnessed the "worst of the worst." You're probably right. That being said, this movie still fucking sucks. Essentially an advertisement rather than a real horror film, this got worse the more I thought about it. If you care to revisit my original angry rant/review, go right ahead. But please, don't give this movie your precious time. Invest it with superior projects like The Cabin in the Woods or The Loved Ones instead.



And that does it for the rest of the best and the...what rhymes with worst? Whatever the case, I'll try to update this blog a little more often this year in between work and school, and might even start doing vlogs if I feel compelled to.