Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013) Review

As the era of the 1970s has come to a close, legendary anchorman Ron Burgundy has been dealing with a rough life. His dream of moving to the evening news team as head anchorman have been crushed, with the position going to his now-wife Veronica Corningstone instead, and as a result, he splits from his love. Six months later, Burgundy is pursued and found by a man named Freddie Shapp, who tasks Ron, now working at Sea World, with reassembling his news team for a job at the first, inaugural twenty-four hour news network.


You may have to forgive me for this, but as archaic as this question might sound, is Will Ferrell the Adam Sandler of the post-90s era of comedies? Both men started out as bright prospects on Saturday Night Live, found a natural calling in cinema, and have managed to turn into humongous stars and guaranteed box office moneymakers. Despite most professional critics having mixed to negative feelings on the projects of both, they have their dedicated fanbases, who will travel out of their way (occasionally more than once) to give these two men their hard-earned cash in exchange for some good belly laughs and a nice escape from reality. Add to that the fact that both comedians can still prove their worth as "professional" actors if it is ever required (in Ferrell's case, Stranger Than Fiction and Everything Must Go), and I think it may be hard to argue with this comparison, unless you are oblivious and ate glue until you reached the age of fourteen.


Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues has been festering around for nearly three years, and Ferrell himself had to convince distributor Paramount Pictures that this film had to come to fruition. Mind you, the argument could be made that these characters and the plot have been rehashed in nearly every project Ferrell and co-writer/director Adam McKay have had a hand in, but that can be saved for another post. I'll confess to being a fan of the first picture, but I never possessed a strong desire to see a sequel to Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, especially given the erratic track records of the two gentlemen mentioned above. Comedy sequels have a great tendency to take away from the greatness of their predecessors, or in some cases, make you forget how much you genuinely enjoyed them in the first place (see Son of the Mask for this instance….actually, don't see that film. Ever). Mercifully, this makes a good effort to stay out of such dreadful, horrifying waters. But it doesn't do much to make it a worthwhile film.


It feels as if everyone is on autopilot for most of their time spent on screen, and in a large percentage of these cases, it appears as though the actors forgot how to portray the characters they helped make so famous amongst the college and young adult crowd in the first place. Ferrell is in decent form, though he seems to be firing on all cylinders, with not all of the one-liners and insults working in his favor. Paul Rudd is largely underutilized, though he does manage to provide one of the more amusing character reintroductions seen in a sequel. However, Steve Carell is easily the biggest offender here, turning Brick Tamland from a character that was moronic, to a character that is simply too stupid to function, even in a wildly outrageous world such as this. Most of his dialogue consists of yelling loudly or flat-out forcing you to elicit any emotion whatsoever, be it anger or amusement. As a result of these changes, as well as more of a focus on idiocy and lunacy than actual decent writing, you may find yourself emitting more quiet groans or, if you're lucky, slight chuckles than hearty laughs.


Speaking of laughs, we're subjected to the biggest waste of newer talent I've seen in a sequel in quite some time. They aren't giving much of the new cast a lot to work with in the first place, and as a result, it just feels like they wanted to take advantage of the larger budget that was given. You have a rival anchorman in the form of James Marsden, a sexy new boss played by Meagan Good, and an incompetent secretary played by Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live fame. Marsden is fine and all, but it feels like his role could have been played by nearly any handsome man that auditioned. Good's whole schtick seems to be "Hey! A BLACK WOMAN is the boss! She's….black!" That works well for about one minute, and it all leads to a scene that I'm sure you've seen in the trailers by now, as Anchorman 2's marketing campaign has been the closest thing to overexposure you could receive from a comedy released in 2013. But they're utilized far more properly than Wiig, who felt crowbarred into this picture. Goodness knows that a woman of her comedic talents can usually twist something that's flat into something memorable, but there is virtually nothing memorable about her character. On the plus side, Anchorman 2's ending sequence is rather spectacular, filled to the brim with cameos and over-the-top hilarity, providing a brief glimpse into the ridiculousness and nuanced satire that made the first film so wonderful. However, all they're doing is rehashing and trying to out-absurd the original film's news anchor showdown by increasing the amount of people present, and even the movie's true conclusion is ultimately just a nod to Anchorman 1's final act itself. All of this will just make you want to view the 2004 film again instead.


Man of Steel can breathe a sigh of relief before this year has concluded, since I believe Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues kicks and stomps its way into the top spot of my most disappointing film of the year so far. Then again, I realize that we're less than two weeks away from the clocks striking 2014, so maybe this will end up being my most disappointing film of the year in general. There isn't anything that brought about anger from me with this picture (save for nearly every time that Steve Carell opened his mouth), but to say that it shat upon my expectations would be an understatement among understatements, especially since I went in with essentially none whatsoever. Still, you Will Ferrell fanatics who have stuck by him through thick and thin (and films like Semi-Pro) are going to watch it no matter what I say. Perhaps I myself was just looking for something different though.

Blue Ruin (2013) Review

Homely Dwight is living a paltry and strange life. He sneaks into houses to bathe, eats out of trash cans, and sleeps in his car. One day, Dwight is confronted by a police officer, who informs him of a figure from his past that is being released from prison, but advises him to not do anything particularly dangerous. Immediately thereafter, Dwight turns his life around shockingly quick, planning to carry out an act of vengeance that will take him back to his own childhood home in Virginia, and reunite him with his estranged friends and family.


Talk about coming back from the grave. Director Jeremy Saulnier's previous effort, 2007's Murder Party, was, in its simplest description, a horror-comedy version of The Breakfast Club (and a film I desperately need to watch again, as I haven't seen it since my days of working at Hollywood Video). It was pretty solid for what it was, but I never imagined that I'd see much else from anyone involved, be it cast or crew-wise, in the near future. Six years later, however, I've discovered that Saulnier had a new project out playing at Wilmington's own Cucalorus Film Festival: a revenge film titled Blue Ruin, for which he dumped a lot of money, a Kickstarter campaign, and a lot of unbridled anger into. What it ends up translating into, however, is a beast of a different nature from what his fans will expect.


The old statement of "you can cut the tension with a knife" is admittedly overused to the point of annoyance these days, but Saulnier proves his worth as an excellent up-and-coming filmmaker by finding ways to keep you glued and keep these feelings of nervousness up high. Comparisons to the more heavily dramatic work of the Coen Bros (see: Blood Simple, No Country For Old Men) wouldn't be unfair to make either, as this is a very quiet film peppered with shocking moments of graphic violence and the occasional bits of black comedy here and there (so you Murder Party fans won't feel completely alienated). I suspect that more squeamish individuals will steer clear due to these very reasons, but all of the above seem to go hand in hand with the basis of a revenge film in this day and age. Comparisons to the still-fresh Drive wouldn't be outrageous to make either, as like Nicholas Refn's film, it can be patient in its buildup, though I believe the main character behind Blue Ruin is infinitely more fascinating.


While Blue Ruin's moments of violence are indeed surprising, the (d)evolution of Dwight's character is all the more alluring and tragic, as his past and reasons are disassembled before our very eyes through the stories of others, giving motives behind his actions, be they reasonable or not. The old saying "an eye for an eye" doesn't necessarily ring true these days, since it just begs the question: when does your own revenge and need for blood to be shed truly stop? Dwight is portrayed by actor Macon Blair, who may (or at least should) find his resume becoming much more crowded after this, as he turns in a very understated and quite magnificent performance. Truth be told, everyone is shining here, but the film's primary focus is based around his character, and he has to obviously give you reason to care and does so with a eerily tragic demeanor. He is sympathetic, but not oblivious to his own downward spiral, even occasionally uttering that he himself would deserve to die.


Blue Ruin is an absolutely mesmerizing movie. A moving, startling, smart, and powerful motion picture that deserves to be seen by a much larger audience, or at least by more than just the festival circuit. It is my favorite revenge thriller and character study piece that I've witnessed since my first viewing of I Saw The Devil, and could end up sneaking its way into my top two or top three films of the year when I decide to assemble that list itself. For those more intrigued by lower budget cinema, this isn't merely recommended: rather, it is vital.

Thor: The Dark World (2013) Review

Time has passed since the battle of New York, and along with his fellow warriors and comrades, Thor of Asgard is at work across the nine realms, having fought a two-year war in order to try and preserve peace. On Earth, scientist and old flame Jane Foster comes into contact with the Norse God, but not after a strange exposure to something affiliated with an enemy that predates and overpowers even Odin himself. Soon, the God of Thunder realizes that he may need to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to protect the realms from grave danger, and even forge an uneasy alliance with an old foe if need be.


It does confuse me quite a bit as to how and why 2011's Thor seemed to divide as many people as it did. Perhaps it was the very odd and somewhat unconventional feel the character had compared to his more popular Marvel Comics companions, such as Iron Man and the Hulk, or the fact that Norse and Viking Mythology has never been as popular with mainstream audiences as it could potentially be. Perhaps it was the fact that it might not have been stuffed with as many fight scenes as viewers would have liked. Whatever the case, I was quite a fan, and I was very enthusiastic to welcome a chance to see a followup two years later in the form of Thor: The Dark World. I've also been one of the select few who apparently doesn't do copious amounts of drugs and has thoroughly enjoyed the second phase of Marvel Studios' motion pictures, which are all inevitably leading up to The Avengers: Age of Ultron.


One of the few complaints I had about the original Thor was actually the one thing people recall fondly: its enormous cast. As much as I loved most of everyone involved, the presence of certain individuals felt more like an excuse for then-director Kenneth Branagh to show off to his friends (lord knows I'd probably brag at least once about getting to direct Sir Anthony Hopkins myself), and a decent portion of these folks ended up with almost nothing to do. This is rectified by newer director Alan Taylor, known mostly for his work on Game of Thrones and The Sopranos, so he's clearly used to dealing with casts of a considerable size. With this decision, everyone gets at least one or two good chances to shine in Thor: The Dark World. Yes, that does include Tadanobu Asano (Ichi The Killer), Kat Dennings (Two Broke Girls), and even Rene Russo (Get Shorty), who I thought was completed wasted in the first film. As for the newer additions to the cast, well, when you're forced to deal with the old "enemy of my enemy" situation, you have to remember to flesh that newer enemy out after all. Alas, Malekith is no Loki, but by no means is he a completely terrible villain. He just ends up more in the run-of-the-mill category, with nothing more to offer than a few quips here and there, and a costume that I'm sure will be popular at the next big comic book and entertainment convention nearest you. Still, he won't exactly wow audiences unfamiliar with his comic book background and origin.


I don't need to waste your time by telling you that the old cast is obviously good either, but knowing that one day Tom Hiddleston is either going to resign or just stop returning calls to play Loki completely breaks my heart. The man was born to play this character, and just seems to play him better and better every time around, adding a new layer that we hadn't seen before, or thought was unbecoming of the God of Mischief. Perhaps the only disappointment in the "old guard" was Stellan Skarsgard's Dr. Erik Selvig, who could have honestly been written out of the film entirely, and has been reduced to kooky comic relief, with occasional flashes of his original genius still intact. As to why his moments of importance couldn't have gone to Kat Dennings' Darcy Lewis? Well, I guess you can't have enough comic relief in one film, can you? Perhaps there can only be room for one smart woman in a picture by Marvel's standards too, and Portman has a bigger resume in the end. Oh well.


Now, before you think that I'm savaging this picture out of pure disappointment, I can assure you that I did actually really enjoy the film overall, and didn't regret spending my money whatsoever. Wait, don't click the "X" just yet! Let me get on to something else that I genuinely liked, and that was the action sequences. While Malekith is no Loki, his Dark Elves and their army bring a science fiction/fantasy crossover appeal to these sequences that, while completely unexpected, makes for one heck of a visual feast. More uptight fans might scoff at this melding of several different ideas (starships in Asgard for one), but I may have to remind you that you're watching a movie based off of a comic book universe (and forgiveness for the minor spoiler, but there are no other Avengers in this picture….technically. This is called Thor: The Dark World, not Thor & Friends). The final fight sequence in Thor: The Dark World takes place in London, and with the abuse of teleportation between the nine realms and heavy blow upon heavy blow, it might make even Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama himself ask "Why didn't I think of something like that?".


Though I may have spoiled my own final thoughts above, I still did have a blast with Thor: The Dark World. I can see some more stingy audiences whose expectations have been raised by the quality of certain Marvel Studios pictures being disappointed, but it does seem inevitable these days considering how even traces of the geek ideology and mindset has inserted itself into all of us one way or another. *sigh* If only this barrage of new comic projects and films was present during my high school years. Then, we could have seen an even greater number of franchises rise to prominence and be turned into movie franchises (*coughPreachercough). Perhaps we can still hope. Or at least pester the creators. But anyway, long story short, the movie is fun. Go check it out.

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 31

Eddie Weinbauer's an awkward high schooler who finds solace in heavy metal, and in one particular man named Sammi Curr: a devil-worshipping, free-spirited rock star. But when Curr dies under mysterious circumstances, Eddie is devastated. Soon afterwards, he receives a copy of Curr's final and unreleased record from a friend. Upon playing it backwards, he discovers that the deceased rocker is speaking to him from beyond the grave, in the hopes of being resurrected, but he will require a few sacrifices first.

We've reached the end of this year's countdown, and if you're wondering why in the world I chose to close out with 1986's Trick or Treat rather than the masterful and more respected Rosemary's Baby, the only explanation I can offer is that metal-related pictures, especially in the horror field, are hard to come by. Thus, I'm not going to say this took top priority, but upon discovering that this little "gem" was ready for viewing on the internet via Youtube (like quite a few of this year's entries were), I bumped it to the end, figuring we could end it with a bang or a fizzle, depending on if I liked it or not.

And I think that after a late night viewing, I believe that I fall somewhere in the middle, which I suppose would result in a relatively loud "pop" more than a bang or a fizzle, but nothing more. For starters, Trick or Treat's soundtrack is mostly comprised by the now-defunct heavy metal outfit Fastway, an offshoot of NWOBHM legends Motorhead (and a band that would house Dave King of future punk stalwarts Flogging Molly). As cool as that sounds, I kind of wish Christopher Young (Hellraiser) had decided to score more than just a few select scenes and pieces that weren't done by the outfit themselves, as the Fastway songs tend to grate after some time and, as stupid as this might sound, start to seem very out of place about a horror film dealing with heavy metal. As much I adore this music, I think most who are equal fans of both horror and the genre of music showcased here (primarily hard rock and glam metal) would admit that it just isn't very scary. Now, if the filmmakers and writers had decided to wait a few more years and let it focus on the burgeoning Norwegian black metal scene, THEN we could have had something unique, or possibly even genuinely unsettling.

Supposedly, Blackie Lawless was offered to play Sammi Curr, the villain of the picture, but I can't find any real proof of this rumor beyond a couple of random searches. Considering that the resemblance between the two is pretty uncanny, it wouldn't have shocked me though to determine that this fact was confirmed. Instead it goes to a former dancer from Solid Gold, which is obviously much more fitting casting considering the heavy metal love that show always showed it, which is absolutely none. Come to think of it, the only remotely decent casting Trick or Treat seemed to get right was the cameos of Gene Simmons (Kiss) and Ozzy Osbourne, as a Rock DJ and anti-rock and roll crusader respectively. They look like they're having a ball for the total of the five or so minutes we see of them, especially given that the latter was in the peak of his popularity around this decade's time.


On a technical level, especially by what would come about in the latter half of the 80s when it comes to horror, this isn't a very good film. The acting isn't anything special, and the effects work is nothing to write home about. But it does have an odd little charm to it that lands it firmly in the coveted "so bad, it's good" category. And sometimes that isn't a bad thing whatsoever, especially since those results still produce general happiness and a great deal of smiling faces, even if they have to include the use of alcohol to produce such results. After all, if you can find a sillier horror film involving an undead rock star firing electricity out of a guitar at an audience of unsuspecting folks, then I'm all ears.



Tomorrow, I'll be back for a post-marathon recap and some other thoughts from throughout the month!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 30

A young couple, actor Guy Woodhouse and his wife Rosemary, move into a new apartment building in New York City, and are soon welcomed by their new elderly, but kindly neighbors nearby. Not long afterwards, Rosemary discovers that she has become pregnant, albeit under very unusual circumstances. In the next few months, Rosemary's health begins to deteriorate, and as everyone surrounding her acts increasingly more eccentric and oblivious to her obvious troubles, she develops suspicions and fears about the safety of her unborn child.


Jesus, not even one minute in and I'm already beyond creeped out by Rosemary's Baby's opening theme. And yes, before you unleash a shitstorm of epic proportions upon me, I had never seen the film that is arguably Roman Polanski's most famous to date, and the second of his "Apartment Trilogy," with the first being Repulsion and the third being The Tenant. I am a deprived, odd horror fan. I suppose that I blame this on my personal dislike of the man as a human being, but I can't deny his skills as a director after watching this landmark.


When you really break this film down, it is essentially watching the dissection and mental torture of one individual, witnessing as they are systematically forced into isolation and a new life against their will for a running time of two hours that surprisingly doesn't even feel like two hours. And by god, it works tremendously well here due to some top-notch directing and tremendous performances (Mia Farrow not winning, or even being nominated for an Academy Award was an absolute shame), not to mention the incredible mood Polanski manages to set almost from the very beginning frames. I haven't felt this disoriented and turned off by a group of New York residents since I first watched Taxi Driver. She and John Cassavetes do feel a bit dated by "hollywood movie couple" standards, but it really is fascinating to see the completely opposite directions both head in over the course of the film, as he slowly loses his soul while she retains her humanity through thick and thin, and while being cut off from nearly everything helpful imaginable. Ruth Gordon as the obnoxious neighbor that essentially turns into a cancer nearly steals the show though. I can't recall detesting a character on this year's blogothon any more, outside of perhaps those redneck comic reliefs in The Crater Lake Monster.


Speaking of Mia Farrow, how Rosemary's Baby's infamous rape-dream sequence wouldn't traumatize someone is beyond me. Even for a film that's over forty years old, it is still quite creepy and remarkably unsettling. Farrow's helplessness during most of it just makes it so much worse, making the audience contemplate what is truly real and what is being fabricated in the individual's mind. But as greatly filmed and acted as the movie is, its own legacy does kind of hurt any potential surprises, as they've been copied or been hugely influenced by the events in this story. Mind you, some of these have wielded very positive results (The House of the Devil) or films on the "mixed opinion" side of things (The Lords of Salem). This does not hurt the finished product AT ALL, but the final reveals aren't especially surprising if you're more well-versed in the genre, but have somehow passed over this movie like I had.


Honestly, is there even a point to discussing anything further about this picture? Everyone regards it as a masterpiece for a reason after all, even outside of the horror genre. And thank whatever deity that does or does not exist that a proposed 2008 remake didn't come to be, especially considering that it was going to produced by Michael Bay of all people. The idea that the man behind Transformers was going to produce something with the name Rosemary's Baby attached to it makes me want to retch, but it was killed almost as soon as it was announced. That false scare aside, go watch the film if you haven't already. Don't wait like I did. All of them witches will thank you.



Tomorrow, we sadly bring an end to this year's iteration of Unseen Terror, but we'll attempt to go out rocking with TRICK OR TREAT!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 29

In the year 2040, a massive starship known as the "Event Horizon" vanished on its maiden voyage to a star, and was thought to be lost to the world. Seven years later, a distress call is sent out...from the once-thought lost ship, which has seemingly returned from a black hole. The crew of a rescue vessel, nicknamed the "Lewis and Clark," set out along with the chief designer of the former starship in order to answer the call, and discover that the "Event Horizon" may not have come back alone.


I'm not shy about expressing my disappointment when it comes to the man known as Paul William Scott (or "W.S.") Anderson. The English action/science fiction/horror movie director helmed one of my favorite dumb films growing up in Mortal Kombat, which I still defend as one of the better video game adaptations to date, and boasted one of the very best soundtracks of the mid-90s, exposing me to many sub-genres of heavy music that I had never heard before. But after that, it was a quick downward spiral for the man, as the quality in his films worsened, and he just floundered in assorted video game and comic book adaptations that broke, stomped, and then defecated upon my poor heart. Defenders of his post-Kombat work would frequently ask me one question though: had I seen Event Horizon? Well, no, I had not. But, thanks to this wonderful time of year, now I have. And I may have to apologize about my previous beliefs: for as imperfect as it may be, this, and not Mortal Kombat, may have been the last glimpse of potential talent the man may have once possessed.

Anderson and casting director Alex Wald picked arguably their most prolific batch of names to work on this project, with Sam Neill (Jurassic Park, The Piano) and Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix, Boyz n The Hood) to serve as our main protagonists respectively. They're easily the most well-rounded of the characters, but that's only because everyone else is rather lazily thought out, or is given no background whatsoever, coming across like drawn out and dreaded "red shirts" that could give the cast members from the current season of The Walking Dead a run for their money. I did like seeing Sean Pertwee (Dog Soldiers, Equilibrium) pop up as a crew member of the "Lewis & Clark" ship, even if he does tend to have a small case of Jason Statham syndrome, in that he'll end up playing near-duplicates of the same character every time out. I don't think anyone will argue that Paul W.S. Anderson has never been an "acting" director though, as despite boasting a fairly decent cast, nobody really delivers commendable jobs (or even looks animated) until arguably the final twenty or thirty minutes when the "shit hits the fan," so to say. There's an indication that everyone may be losing their minds and has to be potentially fallible, but nobody is especially convincing save for perhaps one individual who I won't spoil.


When Event Horizon's real plot begins to unravel over the course of its running time, it does make for some admittedly interesting twists and turns, but seems more intent on hypnotizing you with its visual appeal and cinematography than anything else. Admittedly, that is fairly nice to look at, especially given who we're talking about here, but so much of it seems lifted from superior pictures, even if you don't recognize it while watching the first time around. Upon first glance, one thinks we're in for a knockoff of Ridley Scott's Alien or heaven forbid, a ripoff of a Roger Corman science fiction picture. Thankfully, neither of these comes to fruition, and instead I came away feeling as if I'd sat through an uncommon mixture of The Shining meets House, except obviously stuck in the deepest reaches of outer space and with less memorable characters. I also realized just how much 2009's Pandorum borrowed from this motion picture, to the point where I'm actually disgusted that Anderson himself produced that pile of feces.


Even with the apparent and quite obvious flaws, I'd be curious to revisit this in several years, especially if what Paul W.S. Anderson says is true about an extended cut existing out there somewhere. Supposedly, it includes thirty minutes of extra footage and a rather heavy amount of additional violence, which was so severe and off-putting that it initially garnered an NC-17 rating, which as anybody knows is a kiss of death in Hollywood for any director trying to make a decent profit. As nice as that would be, the violence did seem rushed into the end just to please the horror fans like myself. And while the man could be talking out of his own posterior, like he did when he made me believe that Alien vs Predator was going to be a good picture, I have at least one eyebrow raised high in this situation. So I say bring it on.



Tomorrow, we're nearing the end, but travel far back to give birth to ROSEMARY'S BABY!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 28

Horror novelist Roger Cobb has been dealing with a plethora of troubles as of late. For starters, he is recently separated, his son has disappeared without a trace, and just recently, his Aunt Elizabeth has committed suicide. Under pressure to write a followup to his latest novel, the Vietnam veteran decides to move into his recently deceased Aunt's house, hoping to write a novel about his past horrors, cleansing his soul and clearing his mind. But soon after moving in, strange happenings begin to occur, and Cobb begins to believe that this house may resent his very presence.


Once you recognize that Steve Miner, the man who has worked on the first three successful and popular entries in the Friday the 13th saga (and subsequently directed the latter two) is the director behind 1986's House, a quite bizarre, but surprisingly amusing take on the haunted house formula, you're almost ensured a good time (Sean S. Cunningham, director of the first entry in that franchise, would also produce this picture). Unlike those particular features, it obviously isn't a bloodbath or anything resembling a slasher, but it does have that same sort of tongue-in-cheek fun you would see quite a bit of that year and in years to come. Later in 1986, Miner would also serve as a second unit director on the very under-appreciated Night of the Creeps, which also shares the same storywriter as House in Fred Dekker.

I have to commend House from the very start for its casting, because it sure was nice to see William Katt in something that reminds us of his once-promising talent, instead of the garbage he would end up floundering about in, such as a particular killer fish film remake released in 1995 and Asylum knockoffs you can buy as cheap coasters. Earlier in the month, I had completely forgotten to mention his portrayal as Tommy Ross in my original review for Carrie, but as good as he can be when he's playing it straight, he's also got a good knack for slapstick if the project calls for it, and Roger Cobb seems to be a good mixture of about eighty percent seriousness and twenty percent comedy, though most of it shows up in the final third of the reel. His vietnam flashback sequences weren't quite as convincing however, coming across far more comical than I'm sure they were meant to be, even in a film that's generally considered a horror-comedy by most of its fans.


The supporting cast is a mixed bag for the most part. George Wendt of Cheers fame shows up to play the obnoxious, but lovable neighbor, portraying the character with a sort of blissful ignorance that almost delves into potential helpfulness that I couldn't help but sort of love. There's a tiny subplot involving former Miss World titleholder Mary Stavin (who if I can add was pretty gorgeous) and her forcing Roger to babysit her kid for one night, which felt wholly unnecessary and felt like it led to nothing, other than some cool creature costumes. If there's one thing I'm discovering that I have true distaste for in horror cinema, it is the "child in peril" subplot that is just there to be there. What I do not hate, however, are some of the fun visual and prop gags scattered throughout the house that continually mentally torture Roger, including a very odd sequence involving a swordfish. I know some more jaded students of today's horror community will dismiss these as looking quite archaic though, and I can't really disagree with them, even if it didn't bother me in the slightest.

So that's pretty much House in a nutshell. Far from perfect, but still a really good time. There are some good visuals, a good story, and some funny bits of dialogue, making for a fine way to kill an half and a half. The biggest question that will come to your mind will the same one that came to mine: "How does one go about with making THREE sequels to a picture like this?" Perhaps I'll find out next year, but we're getting ready to wrap up this year's iteration of Unseen Terror anyway, and I'll need a good week or so away from reviews just to give my eyes and hands a break before I even start contemplating such a thing.



Tomorrow, we jump forward into the 1990s yet again, with the much beloved (or is it?) EVENT HORIZON!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 27

When a meteorite crash lands on earth, an unknown alien species is unleashed upon the land. Manifesting itself and growing in the basement of a nearby townhouse, the breed begins to feed on anything and anyone that will dare to cross its path, all the while reproducing asexually at an alarming rate and spreading its seed around the neighborhood. Soon, it may be up to the house's initial inhabitants to put a stop to this extraterrestrial reign of terror before it devours everything in sight.


Boasting the smallest budget of any film on this year's countdown, The Deadly Spawn's budget is a meager twenty five thousand dollars, which isn't just doable for most folks with the right amount of connections and friends, but is really low by ANY decade's standards, much less the early 80s. Perhaps the bigger surprise to be found is just how entertaining the final product turns out to be, especially if you have a great respect for the art of "DIY" filmmaking.


Similar to what some Italian efforts were doing in the wake of the horror explosion post-Jaws and post-Alien, The Deadly Spawn's original title was changed over in some circles to Return of the Aliens: The Deadly Spawn in order to capitalize on the success of Ridley Scott's aforementioned film, which was released several years beforehand. Other than boasting a threat from outer space and a whole lot of caucasians in the cast, the comparisons should end there though. For one thing, the designs on both creatures are obviously, radically different. Considering that this isn't H.R. Giger's work, the alien design here is fairly awesome, a horrifying, massive maw that seemingly boasts no eyes with one gigantic appetite, and can even spawn smaller, slug-like beings that slither around infesting and feasting on whatever they can find. It moves around like a slasher movie icon, but disgustingly consuming rather than cutting and tearing its victims.

There are two brothers to follow as our protagonists throughout the plot, and yes, their stories do connect with one another down the road. There's Pete, the older of the two and arguably the more awkward of the siblings. He's a serviceable, wannabe scientist-type, but not much more. From what I've read, most fans of this film seem to identify more with Charlie, the younger of the brothers, as he's usually the embodiment of every kind of kid you either grew up with, or even grew up as in the decade of decadence, given that his room is littered with old horror movie posters and toys, and he's a self-professed devotee of the genres that I love. Heck, he's even got the same Godzilla action figure that I STILL have to this day, and I can provide photographic evidence to prove this if need be!


I know a few friends in town who have aspirations of becoming directors, be they of documentaries, or full-length pictures, and because of the apparent "do it yourself" attitude and work found throughout The Deadly Spawn, I am more than happy to give the picture a good recommendation. As macabre and grotesque as it is for those not accustomed to films in its field (and make no mistake, the gore is very top notch for its budget), Douglas McKeown's lone motion picture effort can be a bit inspiring for future filmmakers, showing that you don't need the backing of a large company or an abnormal amount of money in order to make something that is instantly memorable or just plain cool. Paramount really dropped the ball not picking this up for distribution.



Tomorrow, we jump forward a few years and find ourselves stuck in HOUSE!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 26

When the men and women of the small town of Pebbles Court begin to receive doses and pills for a new "supplement" pill in the mail, they take it with no qualms and objections. Nicknamed "Vimuville," the pill has been produced in order to produce a better breed of human beings. There are, however, side effects and different "stages" for the subject . The first, is hallucinations. The second, is potential organ failure. The third, is deterioration and deformation of the body.


Within literally ten seconds, I see that Australia's Body Melt is distributed by "Dumb Films," and if that doesn't set the tone for the remaining eighty minutes to come, then I can assure you that nothing will. I'm also subtly reminded that I need to desperately expand my "Ozploitation," or in layman's terms, Australian exploitation, motion picture repertoire. So far, I can recall seeing this and the very underrated killer boar picture Razorback, but not much else beyond that. This needs to change within the next year or two.


There's a very satirical edge to this film, be it in the focus on perfectionism with the "pill" that causes the eventual title effect, or the very odd side plot with two dopey young men encountering a small group of inbreds and essentially running into the story of a different type of horror film. As fun as it is, there isn't a great deal of plot beyond some scattershot stuff here and there. In fact, I don't really believe our "protagonists" were even given much in the way of backgrounds, and with the fact things are structured, you could make the argument that it feels like a collection of shorts pieced together based around one subject rather than one, coherent, cohesive story.


Viewers with a fear of decay or a fear of needles will naturally steer clear based on this title alone, but even for those with cast iron stomachs, the content found throughout certainly doesn't help matters. Even with its modestly low budget, some of the ways that people are dispatched of in Body Melt could give Peter Jackson's earliest works like Bad Taste and Braindead a run for their money in the department of disgusting, with the filmmakers' admiration for the man being very apparent. But, you do have to suffer through a fairly nonsensical plot (for what one there is) and a lot of boredom in order to get there, and unlike Jackson's works, the humor inserted and shot into the film just isn't that strong. The best bits are provided by the very off-putting family of inbreds mentioned above, but their entire side story feels like it wasn't even necessary in the end. In fact, most of the decisions for placement of humor, for as little as it is used, and the heavy emphasis on blood and guts and not much more, makes the movie come across like a group of blood-hungry fanatics making something for the sake of having a "gore fest" under their belts. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I get the feeling that if these folks could have predicted the future and foreseen something such as Youtube coming about, this would have made a killing there, such as the "Le Bagman" short from all those years ago because it was "so nasty," but for nothing else.


Lastly, Body Melt could house the most inappropriate soundtrack I've ever heard in my entire life, with an absolutely absurd mixture of techno and early to mid 90s-era instrumental alternative rock. Writer/Director Philip Brophy is lucky that juggernauts U2 are presumably not horror movie fans, as nearly everything in the latter category sounds directly ripped from their early 1990s works, and they most likely would have flipped out and tried to sue someone. True, this probably could have helped the movie turn into a box office monster, but still. In the end, I'm not entirely sure what to make of this one. There is some great, repugnant gore to be found here, especially considering the budget, but not much beyond that. It's worth a watch, but nobody would blame you for actually giving into temptation and just "skipping to the best parts."



Tomorrow (or today), we're keeping it messy with THE DEADLY SPAWN!

Unseen Terror: Day 25

Well, the curse of the internet strikes yet again, as unfortunately the router AND modem of yours truly has been on the fritz over the past day or two, though thankfully some access has been recovered due to the help of a much more technologically-sound friend. Thus, yesterday and today's entries will most likely be up within twelve to fifteen hours from one another, as I was unable to even view day twenty-five's movie yesterday whatsoever until this very morning. Anyway, let's move along.

Successful mall Park Plaza has installed a new security system, including shutters scattered throughout  and across all exits. It also includes three high-tech, non-threatening security robots that will disable and subdue thieves and intruders if trouble should arise. One night, when four couples decide to spend the night in the mall after it closes down, lightning strikes the plaza, heavily damaging the circuits of the robots. The couples find themselves trapped, being pursued by the now-murderous creations, and must utilize what they can in order to survive the night.


Jim Wynorski is a pretty well known celebrity in the world of exploitation and horror cinema. The man has worked with the Corman family quite a few times throughout his career (Roger's wife Julie produces this effort), though you could make the argument that his second picture, Chopping Mall, was his biggest success since he's gone on to make a lot of real garbage, like Ghoulies IV and Raptor, the Piranha 95 of the Carnosaur franchise. He's also the man behind some fine cinematic porn parodies such as The Bare Wench Project and Para-Knockers Activity (I KNEW there had to be a decent parody of that franchise out there!), so.......there's that for you.


After starting up Chopping Mall, my first thought was that I was wondering if Wynorski was intending to make this as a horror-comedy, because this was a clear case of forgetting to pack in any genuine scares or suspense. Not that this is a bad thing of course, since I still love to have great fun. My second thought was "Hey, there's Kelli Maroney from Night of the Comet! And cult movie queen Mary Woronov!" Unfortunately, the latter only shows up for a small cameo as her character from Eating Raoul, something I keep meaning to check out one of these days. Everyone else is fairly fun too, and Barbara Crampton of Re-Animator fame even shows up to show off her....talents. The kills range in quality, from the surprisingly gory to the shockingly tame, but as I've pointed out before with other movies from this year's list, it may have been a little hard to compete with certain slasher pictures that were out at the time. There's also a pretty stupendous synth-based soundtrack that can grate at times, but comes with the territory of 1980s schlockfests.


Chopping Mall's originally released title was Killbots, despite the term never being uttered a single time in the entire picture. Its initial box office intake was poor, most likely due to this exact reason, or due to the fact that people watched the TV spots and trailers and most likely thought it was going to be incredibly dumb, which isn't far from the truth. When it was re-released on home video under its new title, it understandably gained a cult following, and has its now fairly infamous following. Plus, how can you go wrong with those enticing posters, as somewhat misleading as they might be? By no means is this a masterpiece, but you can get some kicks out of this cheesy, ridiculous piece of 80s horror goodness.


"Thank you, have a nice day."



Tomorrow (or even, today), we jump forward a decade and dip into BODY MELT!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 24

Today will mark the last entry featuring what you could constitute as a "modern" horror film (i.e. released within the last ten or fifteen years), and boy howdy am I glad, since I was starting to miss the good times and cheesiness of the decade that I was born in. Director-wise, The ABCs Of Death is one of the largest groups I've seen assembled on this blog, with an ambitious idea of gathering twenty-six different men and women to direct different shorts and segments, each based around a different letter of the alphabet that was assigned to them. Hence, why I don't have a plot synopsis typed above, since there is none to found here. Not a single story connects with one another, though some do share similar themes and styles.

Therein lies the problem with this "movie" though, since it may have been better served as something other than an actual film. For every story that intrigued, amused, or even shocked me, there were about five or six that just didn't, and it feels akin to a two hour-long roller coaster ride in terms of horror anthology enjoyment. Producer Ant Timpson did a great job of rounding up as many people from different parts of the world as he could, including directors from America like Ti West (House of the Devil) and Adam Wingard (V/H/S, You're Next), France's Xavier Gens (Frontier(s)), Japan's Yudai Yamaguchi (Meatball Machine) and Noboru Iguchi (The Machine Girl), and a myriad of mostly unknown Spanish and latino directors. The quality of these actual shorts varies in a way that some feel like they could be stretched out into actual short films, while others feel phoned in to the point where you wonder if the directors felt as if they sent their segments in as a way to get the producers to leave them alone (Ti West's barely minute-long segment feels similar to a page he ripped from a script he never finished).

I know this isn't an entirely original concept either, and as I've brought up before (at least I believe I have), Showtime's Masters of Horror was very similar to The ABCs of Death. If that name doesn't ring a bell, let me refresh your memory. Created by director Mick Garris, 2006's Master of Horror was an anthology series that aired for two seasons on the Showtime network, and featured a wide array of directors in the field, with a large amount of them being pretty darn famous. I know Magnet Releasing most likely can't afford to get someone like John Carpenter or John Landis to come in and work on a short here, but every single short "film" that aired in Horror, even the bad ones, had something to remember, and it gave you room to breathe by making you wait another week for the next installment. Death's segments just occur, flash the title with a "directed by" at the end, and immediately transition into the next one. It gets to be tiring and repetitive entirely too quickly, ultimately making you just want to guess what the letter is going to stand for, and not in a fun way, but in a "would you hurry up?" kind of way.

Inconsistency in quality really hurt my overall enjoyment of The ABCs Of Death, which was a real shame since I still want to applaud this concept. But next time, perhaps making this a series of online-only shorts (no way this makes Youtube due to the nudity) would best serve the creators and cause less frustration among fans. With this decision, you gain the ability to skip past the fluff and at least revisit the memorable moments you did enjoy without having to revisit any meandering or flat out boring segments. Hell, I know that I'd love to rewatch the segments from Noboru Iguchi, Banjong Pisanthanakun, and Angela Bettis again without having to suffer through what precedes them. Supposedly, there's a sequel being worked on at the moment, with at least one pair of directors confirmed, those being the Soska Sisters of American Mary fame. They seem enthused enough about the project, so in the case of the producers, hopefully it will be a case of learning from your mistakes, or at the very least, the shorts themselves don't have the bad-to-good ratio of 6:1 as seen here.

Tomorrow, we're back to the 1980s and stuck in CHOPPING MALL!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 23

A vampiric outbreak has ravaged the world, leaving humanity on its last legs and struggling to survive. After his own family is horrifically slaughtered, a boy known simply as "Martin" is saved by an experienced hunter simply named "Mister," who takes him under his wing and begins to train him. Driving him across the lands of this broken down and depleted America, the two set out in hopes of reaching the idyllic New Eden, where purportedly they can begin a new life.


If you've ever imagined what would happen if Cormac McCarthy's The Road would have been like had it been littered and mixed with the best atmospheric parts from Robert Kirkman's The Walking Dead and a dash of John Carpenter's Vampires, perhaps I've found the next film you should be watching on your Netflix queue. And most surprisingly, for the most frugal of fans, which makes up a large portion of my own personal friends list, it isn't a foreign production either.


For a film about vampires, we come to find out that there may exist far worse things in this collapsed and mysterious world than the beings that suck your blood and turn you into a monster, as evidenced by the fanatical Jebedia Loven, leader of a group of religious devotees known as the Brotherhood, played here excellently by Broadway actor Michael Cerveris. But don't even think twice about it: the vampires in Stake Land are still absolute monsters, and this is how they should be portrayed. While I don't mind the old "romantic" take on vampires seen in the old days and multiple tales, I've been more partial to their depiction as mean, insane, and bloodthirsty creations who will feast on even infants in order to survive (as seen here on more than one occasion). I'll also have to make it a habit to incorporate the term "Scamp," a term for a younger person turned into such a creature, into my horror vocabulary. Perhaps my only complaint about any of the villainy seen throughout lies in the sound department, which sadly recycles sound effects from pig squeals and generic monster growls for the vampires, but that could be the only legitimate problem I had other than minor squabbles, and perhaps that was due to time restrictions and budget limitations.


Casting-wise, as I hinted at above, everybody nailed their parts, and the characters actually aren't as cliched as you may think they could be in a field or genre that's been admittedly played out. Nick Damici's "Mister" might remind you of Tallahassee from Zombieland, except he's played with a much more serious manner and with a more fatherly figure tone. Damici also happened to co-write the film, and it seems that he knew he had to make viewers want to root for this character while not making him an alienating dickhead either. I'd also like to see more from Connor Paolo, whose "Martin" was great to see grow over the course of the film, and provided an unexpected narration that was very uncommon for a film such as this. True, the reliance upon this borders on turning into an overdose of exposition, but it knows when to stop at just the right times. This isn't just a boys club, however, as along the way, they run into some other faces like modern-day "Scream Queen" Danielle Harris (Halloween 4 & 5, The Wild Thornberrys, Hatchet II) and Kelly McGillis (Top Gun), in which the latter even came out of retirement in order to play her role! Pretty darn cool if you ask me.


It's an incredible shame that Stake Land hasn't gained a more massive following, or wasn't released to a wider audience, thus rendering it into the realm of the mostly unknown. As it stands right now, the film cost around four million dollars to make, but hasn't even grossed forty thousand, even based on a limited run in theaters back in 2010 and good word of mouth from critics like Roger Ebert (R.I.P.). It has the makings of an independent or midnight movie classic, and is arguably one of the best American-made vampire films in years, and my personal favorite film involving the bloodsuckers since Let the Right One In. I don't usually rank the films that I view from Unseen Terror, but if such a thing was done, this one will have to make a theoretical top five or top ten based on uniqueness alone. I'd be happy to purchase a copy on home video, solely to give director Jim Mickle and writer/star Nick Damici a few extra dollars towards any future projects they may want to do.



Tomorrow, we're back into the realm of anthologies with THE ABCs OF DEATH!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 22

While camping out in the forests of Oklahoma, young couple Seth and Polly find themselves the victims of a kidnapping and carjacking. The kidnappers, convict Dennis and his addict girlfriend Lacey, instruct them to drive the roads, until they hit a small, splinter-covered animal and receive a flat tire. After changing tires, the couples stop at a nearby gas station, but find the attendant ravaged and infected from an unknown symptom similar to the animal seen in the road, and soon find the station being overrun by a strain of a new, parasitic being that could infect and kill them all.


In my days of working at Hollywood Video, I acquired many "blind buys" for a rather insignificant amount of money. While a large portion of these pictures have turned out for the better, there are still a handful that have sat on my DVD shelf collecting dust for no reason other than I keep forgetting to watch them. Splinter was one of those such titles, and has even been passed over for the previous two years of Unseen Terror. Five years seems like a better time than never to finally brush that dust away though.


While I was aware that Splinter didn't boast a very large cast to begin with, I wasn't wise to the fact that it had a couple of familiar faces in it. Charles Baker (Breaking Bad) has a very brief role in the beginning, and Jill Wagner, who I'm still convinced needs more work despite Blade: The TV Series being canceled after one season, is in the lead female role. I honestly didn't recognize Paulo Costanzo of Road Trip fame, who seemed to age about fifteen years in only eight, and who was probably the weakest link in the film despite being the lead actor. Shea Whigham (Boardwalk Empire) plays a much more entertaining, and all around interesting character with at least some sort of backstory, as played out as it might end up being. As far as his character's significant other goes, I can't say that I've ever heard much about Rachel Kerbs, but I'm in no particular hurry to watch her play a junkie again anytime soon.


The film isn't shy about wearing its influences on its sleeve either. If you're wondering if that synopsis described above sounds vaguely familiar, I can assure you that it mercifully doesn't play out like a carbon copy of said picture...not that there's anything wrong with that. There are also subtle nods to pictures like Evil Dead 2 later in the film's second half, mostly in the effects department, which to my knowledge was done with nearly all practical work. Speaking of the practical work, it looks fine for what we see of it, but the camerawork here is so incredibly inconsistent, that you can never focus on any of the beauty of the creator's visions, made all the more shameful when you view the special features on the DVD (for which there are a lot) and see an actual gallery of the mutations and monsters included in the picture. Splinter's beasts look fairly twisted, like a combination of something from John Carpenter's The Thing and something vomited up from Silent Hill, but when you give us approximately two or three milliseconds to even glance at them before jumping back and forth, it borders on the irritating, and descends into the territory of disappointing.


In the end, I think Splinter wants to believe it is better than it actually is, but that doesn't make it a terrible film or anything akin to it. Trust me, I've seen some truly terrible films this year, and when I say I'd watch this over either of yesterday's entries, I sincerely mean that with all of my heart and soul. There are some solid practical effects, an interesting story, some pretty decent gore (a mighty fine scene involving amputation, a knife, and a cinder block should please even the most hardcore of purists), and the whole thing clocks in at around eighty minutes. Not a terrible way to spend five dollars, is it? Or was it three? Whatever the case, I'm sure Magnolia Pictures wouldn't charge you a great deal for this nowadays.



Tomorrow, we're still stuck on sliver removal with STAKE LAND!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 21

Before I start today's entries, I'd like to briefly talk about a video cassette that holds a special place in my heart: Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies.

While visiting the Smithsonian Institution one day with my parents, I received this trailer compilation as a gift, mostly due to my (then) love of all things dinosaur-related, and my desire to become a paleontologist. Though this dream and desire has waned, it did expose me to so many genres and franchises that I ended up becoming nearly fanatical about, including Godzilla and the works of Ray Harryhausen and his brethren. There were some modern film trailers thrown in for good measure too, but my focus shifted towards the older institutions, such as Toho International and the like. Having seen nearly every film on that cassette (which I still own), however, I'm finally getting around to discovering some of these lost treasures via the internet. But after twenty-something odd years, should these have remained buried?

In the dark, mostly unexplored waters of Loch Ness, the gigantic, legendary creature known as Nessie has begun an increasing amount of attacks, mostly brought about due to the kidnapping of her egg. Some scientists will seek to exploit the creature and her unhatched offspring, while others discover a sunken Nazi plane at the bottom of Loch Ness. What connections do these have with the beast? And why does it seem that some are trying to cover it up?


Oh dear lord, I didn't expect this. Well, at least on a scale this preposterously awful. Not even six minutes in, and The Loch Ness Horror has already settled safely into Mystery Science Theater 3000 territory. How the fabulous and hilarious group of "riffers" didn't lampoon and review this film, even in the later seasons, I have no earthly idea. Is it too late to pay them to do it now?


Everyone in The Loch Ness Horror is speaking like Groundskeeper Willie teaching French in Elementary School. The Scottish stereotypes found throughout are just ridiculous, and these characters, be they American or Scottish, could be conceived and written with just an initial viewing of any number of action/horror film combinations. What ends up being significantly worse are the accents of the fellow Scottish countrymen and women themselves, which I'm sure director Larry Buchanan would try and convince you were authentic (well, if he were alive that is), but anyone with halfway decent hearing, or a brain not riddled by years of drug abuse and consuming paint chips could tell you that's a load of malarky. Buchanan was a self-proclaimed "schlockmeister," so bashing anything the man has made in his career could prove to be moot seeing as how he expected it to come with the territory.


But even by lesser movie standards, the Nessie prop used here looks like a total joke, especially since we only see her head and neck, and nothing more. While I understand that you have a limited budget, and were probably going off of the Loch Ness myth, where little has been seen, give us something more creative. She's also surprisingly non-threatening in appearance, especially past the hour mark when she stares down a young woman in a camper. The Loch Ness Horror's high point, if it has one, has Nessie turning into a slasher movie villain after her egg is stolen (or is presumed dead), so she basically turns into a gigantic Mrs. Voorhees, even attacking people at a camping site and at night in the waters. Coincidentally, this was released a year after the successful Friday the 13th. Yes, I did just compare The Loch Ness Monster to Friday the 13th. Deal with it.


On the plus side, the poster looks fairly wild and could draw in monster fanatics. And as idiotic as it might be, the film doesn't really get to be boring if you're surrounded by the right folks. Still, this is an insanely bad "D" film that wants to pretend it's a "B" movie, but a lot of alcohol (and I do mean a LOT) could potentially make this a fun experience. I wish you the best of luck trying to track down a halfway decent copy of this. Legally, Diplomat Video released it on VHS, but as far as a DVD release goes, I'm unsure that anything in terms of an actual official copy exists, outside of bootlegs that is. I viewed my version on Youtube, where you can clearly tell it was ripped from home video. Naturally, it didn't help increase the quality of the picture itself, but I digress.

When a meteor crashes into a lake one evening, a large, prehistoric creature is unearthed from the ensuing heat. It begins to devour every person that it comes into contact with, and soon, the town's sheriff decides to take action in order to stop it. Rounding up a group of paleontologists and scientists, they set out to put a stop to the archaic menace.


Unlike The Loch Ness Horror, this effort from Crown International Pictures, as tampered with as it may have been, does have an accompanying Rifftrax commentary out there for purchase, and boy do I wish I had known about that in advance. Without the aid of those gentlemen, I nearly fell asleep during this picture. For the love of Benji, this is one boring, horribly made mess.


To begin with, I think that even as a child, I could have told you that these scientists in the film were phonies, or just plain terribly written. The title monster is referred to as a dinosaur at several opportunities, and is even drawn as one on its poster seen above. This wouldn't be a problem, except that one quick glance gives away the fact that it is clearly a PLESIOSAUR, a reptile that lived a large portion of its life in the water and is a completely different creature altogether. These little discrepancies won't be a bother to anybody except for perhaps the geekiest of folks, but the film's scientists and paleontologists make these mistakes constantly, and I can't help my occasional fits of nerd rage, especially thanks to that little VHS tape I talked about near the top of today's review. Learning is fundamental ladies and germs.


The Crater Lake Monster is decently well known for its use of stop motion animation, a rarity at the time in 1977 since most companies were moving on to bigger and better pastures. Shockingly, the stop motion animation looks fairly acceptable considering that a man like Ray Harryhausen didn't have his hand in it, and there's an eerie similarity to the title creation from Q - The Winged Serpent in the facial department of the "monster" itself. Of course, it isn't any coincidence that both films share the same animation supervisor, the deceased David W. Allen. He would go on to work on a vast number of pictures of much better quality, including Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Willow, and Puppet Master. The practical, non-animation shots of its mouth also looked fairly decent considering the budget was just under one hundred thousand dollars, but I kept wondering "why not use more of that?" Unless the prop was a pain in the neck to haul around and your crew was comprised of tiny children, this is straight unforgivable. Oh, I guess we had to fill that time with the fascinating characters instead, such as....hmm....well, let me get back to you on that.


I'm starting to ponder if both of these films should have been saved for next year, since they could have coincided with the release of Gareth Edwards' Godzilla relaunch, and my time could have been spent on something much more valuable, be it another film or even something like staring at a wall while I eat leftover pasta salad. In terms of what made for a worse experience, I'd say that belonged to The Crater Lake Monster, as it just fills in the gaps and time with so much nonsense and annoying characters (if you do not hate the two redneck comic relief characters, you hate no characters in any movie ever released), while absolutely nothing happens. The fact that this film has seen a Blu-Ray release over the past two years is shocking to me, as it wholeheartedly deserves its 2.7 rating from IMDb.



Tomorrow, I brush the dust away, and finally get around to checking out SPLINTER!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 20

Years ago, hopeful architect Frank Bannister's wife perishes in a car accident, and he develops the ability to communicate with the deceased. Frank initially uses these skills to work alongside of assorted spirits in order to make a quick dollar or two, as dishonest as it may be. However, when a series of murders start occurring around town, all caused by a ghost seemingly taking the form of the grim reaper, Frank is persuaded to investigate, in order to prevent it from completely eradicating the town's population of living AND deceased citizens.


Man, sometimes there are just the right times and the right pictures than can brighten your weekend, especially when it has been a rather physically rough one. Or rather, when the previous film you watched was directed by a slimy, disgusting pedophile, and you did everything in your power to try and forget it. Thank goodness for Peter Jackson. Five years before he delved into Middle-earth, but several years after he made arguably the bloodiest film of all time, Peter Jackson and his partner Fran Walsh made The Frighteners, a horror-comedy that was an unfortunate box office disappointment, but has gained a considerable following, much like all of Jackson's films that don't have abnormally large budgets. I've also been chastised throughout the years for not having seen it, but thanks to the usually reliable Netflix, that has changed.


There's a fairly extensive cast to be found in The Frighteners, from its obvious main draw Michael J. Fox, to horror staples like Dee Wallace Stone (Cujo, The Howling) and Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), to a few faces who would go to be more than just faces in the crowd, like Jake Busey (Starship Troopers) and Chi McBride (Boston Public, Waiting...). There are even more that I could talk about, but I'd be here all day and all night, plus it would ruin the surprise. However, I feel that something has to be said about Jeffrey Combs' performance as a psychotic, obsessed FBI agent: I know that Peter Jackson must have an affinity for Re-Animator, as I'm certain that all of us horror fans do. But my goodness, I'm not sure what the man was going for here by casting Combs...at first. When he first comes on screen, you could swear he believes he's in another film entirely, perhaps even auditioning for a Troma picture. After becoming accustomed to his presence though, he just adds to the comic insanity and overall darkly, twisted nature of the project. Nearly every time the man opens his mouth, or interacts with Fox, the guy is chewing the scenery, but I'll be damned if he isn't making you smile just a tiny bit.


Makeup is handled by the always excellent Rick Baker, known for his work on more films than you can count, though some credits include An American Werewolf in London and The Howling. His work on Frank's cohort named "The Judge," a ghost played by Gomez Addams himself (John Astin from The Addams Family), looks particularly exceptional. Jackson's Weta Digital provided the visual effects work here, and they are actually fairly impressive, especially when you consider that they were still mostly in their infancy stage at this point (three years existence). I'd honestly prefer it to a lot of other entries I've had to sit through so far (I'm looking at you The Langoliers), though I'm not sure how well something like this would translate on a high definition disc, since I know the film was released on Blu-Ray and HD DVD.


It isn't surprising to see as to why The Frighteners underperformed sadly. The poster is very vague, a clear victim of very poor marketing (it tells you literally nothing about the movie, other than "ooh, scary!"), Peter Jackson wasn't a known commodity at the time, and even though I stated his star power above, Michael J. Fox may not have had the same "it" factor at the cineplex in the 1990s as he possessed back in the mid-80s. That last part could be a load of garbage, but after Back to the Future III, can you name a wildly successful AND acclaimed MJF film made in the 90s? I like the guy, but his tenure on Spin City was the biggest thing to his name when it comes to that particular decade. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that the film seems to have a good, sizable following, and I am ecstatic that I finally got around to catching it myself. For old time's sake, I would love nothing more than for Peter Jackson to go back and give us folks who grew up on (and can still appreciate) his horror-comedies another one for the record books. Maybe I sound greedy, but with Christmas coming up soon, I can never get too old to ask.




In preparation for The Frighteners (and due to having a very odd bit of scheduling today), I decided to stick with the overall tone of fun, and catch up with two half hour programs I had DVR'd, but almost forgotten to view.

No matter my thoughts of how The Simpsons has gone from being arguably the best animated show of all time, to becoming one of the most embarrassing animated shows on television, I always attempt to catch the newest iteration of Treehouse of Horror every year. This year's opening sequence, conceived by filmmaker Guillermo del Toro, is nothing short of spectacular, and without a doubt the best thing about the episode. The homages to decades of his own work, and the numerous works of assorted Universal Pictures horror creations, was a beautiful and outstanding work. But then the segments began, and I suppose that even the famed Treehouse of Horror isn't safe from the realm of mediocrity that The Simpsons has fallen into now. Each segment ends up being (mostly) a parody of The Cat in the Hat, The Thing With Two Heads, and Freaks respectively. While I did somewhat enjoy the last segment, it was more or less due to the previous entries in the episode being just plain average. A disappointment, but my expectations weren't very high to begin with. At least those first ten seasons are still readily available for purchase.

On the flip side, Pixar's newest television special, Toy Story of Terror, was a much more entertaining and satisfying program, even if it was very strange to see the gang return after the near-perfection and conclusion that was Toy Story 3. The plot revolves around the toys' new owners getting a flat tire and them finding themselves stuck in a roadside motel for the evening, where suddenly they start disappearing at an alarmingly quick rate. There are numerous nods to old time horror films (humorously pointed out by the character Mr. Prickle Pants, who I expect will see a spike in sales after this), and the new character of Combat Carl, who just might know a way out of this whole mess, was just plain hilarious (and voiced awesomely by Carl Weathers). I was also surprised they had a slight throwback to the claustrophobia suffered by Jessie in Toy Story 2, which I had admittedly forgotten all about. I hope this is released in some sort of compilation DVD/Blu-Ray down the line, or at least is aired again soon.




Tomorrow, we've got another busy day ahead, with some underwater monster action courtesy of THE LOCH NESS HORROR and CRATER LAKER MONSTER!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 19

Young Casey suffers from coulrophobia, a severe fear of clowns, and is constantly heckled by his older brothers for it. After their mother decides to travel out of town to visit relatives, the boys decide to visit the circus for a night of fun, where Casey is warned of impending danger by a fortune teller. While the boys are traveling home, three mental patients from a nearby asylum have escaped, and subsequently murder three clowns from the circus. Donning their makeup, costumes, and identities, the trio sets about to terrorize the young boys and make their night a living hell.

While I don't share the same universal hatred and fear for clowns that every other friend of mine seems to, I'm not too fond of them myself. I do recall a memorable summer spent in Ocean City, Maryland watching Stephen King's It with a friend, and having it scare the absolute crap out of me, but outside of that, their expressionless faces and demeanors never really perturbed me. Perhaps watching Doink the Clown wrestle for so long in the WWF nullified that. Still, this one did intrigue me. I like two thirds of Victor Salva's 2001 horror effort Jeepers Creepers, but was wondering why something didn't quite sit right with me the entire time I was watching this.

It was pretty clear that Salva wanted to make something that the younger or teenage market could get a kick out of, or at least be scared of, maybe in the same vein of films like the previously reviewed The Gate. This finished product doesn't entirely work though, due to the relatively flat performances from the three leads (which includes a debuting Sam Rockwell), and the fact that most of Clownhouse's scares feel more harassing in nature than like actual scares. Nothing really ends up happening once these mental patients decide to wear their makeup and clown suits, as there isn't even enough blood to fill up a gallon of milk, and the body count only ends up at a whopping count of two when all is said and done. How this was rated R, I have no earthly idea.

Ah, but then curiosity got the better of me, so I decided to venture to IMDB. As it turns out, Mr. Salva, as interesting as his resume might be (which also includes the 1995 film Powder), sexually abused the lead actor who played Casey in this film (Nathan Forest Winters). He served fifteen months of a three-year term and was released on parole, though Winters came forward again in 1996 after Powder was released, asking as to why Disney would pick up a film by a man like Salva. Since then, the director has had great difficulty finding work in Hollywood, save for the Jeepers Creepers films, which is understandable considering he is a fucking child molester. This unfortunate fact isn't easy to ignore upon viewing the first third of the movie either, given the repeated, unnecessary shots of two of the lead boy actors in the their underwear, or baring complete skin. My guess is that Salva thought Rockwell was "too old" for him at the time, the gross bastard. I felt like an utter pervert in need of several showers after I saw all of the these scenes, and reminding myself of the now-infamous story. You could have cut every single one of these shots out, and nothing of value would have been lost. 

Technically, Clownhouse isn't a bad movie whatsoever, as the camerawork is fine, the score isn't particular weak, and I've viewed far worse films this season, but that stench of pedophilia during its production is nearly impossible to clean off. It puts the ixnay on any potential, real recommendation, even for fans of "killer clown" films, especially since I said that nearly nothing happens throughout its running time. Well, outside of the defenestration of one clown, which is admittedly kind of cool. To companies like Shout Factory, who I'm sure have been receiving numerous requests to put films such as this out on Blu-Ray for future release (the DVD is out of print): don't pay any attention to this one, as Victor Salva doesn't deserve any.

Tomorrow, we're up a decade and getting a littler shakier with THE FRIGHTENERS!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 18

The product of a fundamentalist household, shy & quiet Carrie White discovers that she may nest telekinetic powers. While researching these suspicions, she is soon asked to the prom by a fellow classmate. Initially reluctant and suspicious of trickery, she agrees. What follows, however, is a night that nobody at Carrie's school of Bates High will ever forget...should they live to tell about it.


So Stephen King, we meet again. We've taken a brief intermission so that I may take a break and deal with some killer women and killer animals, but you inevitably found your way back into my countdown. True, your invention of the troubled teenager Carrie White is indeed a "killer woman," but only after having her period in the shower. Guess I have to write about her all over again then.


Oh! You're asking why I decided to copy and paste my synopsis for the review that I posted of Brian De Palma's adaptation of Carrie. Well, as late as it might be over here, I figured I'd give in to laziness, as the filmmakers behind 2013's version of Carrie decided to seemingly do the same by essentially remaking his version of the film, but of course, with minor adjustments in order to satiate the modern horror movie fan. Some aspects are understandable, like the addition of more modern music into the big prom night scene, but others, like Carrie's mother driving a car with a Jesus fish on the back and the infamous "plug it up!" scene being filmed on a camera phone by other students just felt ridiculous and lead to nothing down the line (more on those particular characters in the second paragraph). There's also a heavy abundance of CGI in Carrie's notorious prom bloodbath and its aftermath, which of course, is a poor exchange for practical work. After seeing the great practical work done in something like American Mary recently, or even the reboot of The Evil Dead, it baffles me that some creators still can't get the simplest of things right and make them look convincing.


Early critics, for what ones were able to gather the information they could, made the argument that this was supposed to be the breakout role for Chloe Moretz, though she's already arguably a star. Though she doesn't have the same haunting, awkward innocence that Sissy Spacek had, she does a more than commendable job as the title character, even if she doesn't physically look like the character. I know that I said my piece about Spacek's appearance in the original film, but Moretz before prom night and day of prom night look nearly identical, and it just isn't very convincing. These minor flaws are especially apparent when she goes on her "massacre," which just didn't make you fear her, but gave you the feeling that she was like a kid in a candy store, or worse yet, a member of the X-men, whereas Spacek's ghostly appearance is now one of the most recognized in all of cinema. Okay, I'll stop with the comparisons, or at least try my best to.


Gabriella Wilde plays a fairly decent Sue Snell, the only high schooler to ever show Carrie an ounce of sympathy throughout the story, but I couldn't say the same for the rest of her classmates, who are fairly flat or just plain forgettable for the roles they are playing (whoever they cast as Billy Nolan was absolutely abysmal). This brings me to the one thing I truly regret having to talk bad about: Julianne Moore. Have you ever witnessed a performance that just feels like someone is trying too hard to go for "crazy" when it should just come naturally? That is Julianne Moore's Margaret White, and it breaks my heart to see her turn in something so mediocre when you know she is a much more capable actress than this. I do love this woman, I truly do. She is rarely bad in anything she chooses (notice that I said rarely), and I know she was taking this role originally from Jodie Foster, which is ironically the second time she's done this from the woman in the horror field (the first being Hannibal). No matter the amount of times it has been done though, she borders on comical at points in Carrie and is a poor substitution for Piper Laurie, which is all the more bizarre when a considerably large amount of her behavior and mannerisms seems lifted from Laurie's own portrayal of the character.


After all is said and done, I think this will end up going into the pile of remakes or re-imaginings that muster mostly "meh"s from its viewers. While I can still give it small points for having things that are more faithful to the original source material, such as naming the gym teacher Miss Desjardin (something De Palma didn't do in his movie) and keeping a more faithful ending, there just isn't a large rhyme or reason for its existence, save for Moretz to have another starring vehicle under her belt, and you're much better off revisiting the more brilliant De Palma classic (unless you hate watching horror films made prior to the 1980s). Like the remakes of A Nightmare On Elm Street, Black Christmas, or Halloween, you can just pretend that this one doesn't exist. In fact, it would be for the best that we all just let the story of the Whites be laid to rest, and work on fixing and readapting some other Stephen King works for the big screen.



Tomorrow, we're taking a trip back to the 80s and into the CLOWNHOUSE!