Into the Hive Presents: End of the Line (Part 3)

Before you come down on me with furious anger and frustration: yes, it took me a full month to write the third part of this countdown. I've been busy with a multitude of issues, including moving and undergoing another EEG. Still, excuses will not get in the way of me finishing this damn thing, especially when you consider that the Academy Awards are just right around the corner.

36) The Lobster



Perhaps one of the most divisive, if not overlooked films of the year, Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos makes his first foray into the land of Hollywood with a motion picture revolving around a dystopian earth, wherein single individuals are taken to a fancy hotel, and given forty-five days to find a mate. If they fail to do so, they will be turned into an animal of their choice. Colin Farrell (In Bruges, Daredevil, Minority Report) plays David, a recently-single man who attempts to form a relationship with a number of women, including a nameless Rachel Weisz (The Constant Gardener, The Mummy). While it is certainly not going to be for everyone (this has all the distinguishing characteristics of a French and/or "art" piece), I had to admire the testicular fortitude of everyone involved with the production and distribution of The Lobster. It stands out like a sore thumb in a sea of releases that attempt to dissect what companionship (or a lack thereof) really is. It also sports some deceptively good acting from the previously-mentioned two leads, who seem fully on board with the absurd concept. Experienced and open-minded film fans may want to track this one down.

35) Bad Moms




My only real prior knowledge of this flick's existence came from seeing the trailer before what I believe was Deadpool of all pictures. Though the premise is certainly nothing out of the ordinary (take Mike Judge's Office Space and replace your leads with fed-up mothers), it looked like a promising romp for a very niche audience that I could never find myself being fully comfortable around (i.e. I'm not a parent). As luck would have it, finding the time to catch it during a quieter evening during the week proved to be a good choice. The protagonists and their adversaries are played to near perfection, and the cast (which includes Family Guy's Mila Kunis and Married...with Children alum Christina Applegate) seem to be genuinely enjoying themselves. Bad Moms sported a much higher LPM (laugh per minute) ratio than other similar projects like Bridesmaids, but with a far more likeable cast of characters and an extremely vulgar sense of humor (Kathryn Hahn delivers a good 70% of the movie's best gags and quips). Of course, it does fall victim to the typical "sappy third act" cliché that just drives me up the wall these days, but it manages to pick itself back up before it falls down for the count. Considering how mediocre this past summer was in terms of wider releases, a pleasant surprise such as Bad Moms was a nice distraction for those suffering from a mundane, stress-filled life.

34) Ghostbusters



OH BOY. I SURE DO LOVE TALKING ABOUT, DEFENDING, AND EVEN BRINGING UP THIS MOVIE. I NEVER GET TIRED OF HEARING BOTH SIDES ARGUE OVER EVERYTHING AFFILIATED WITH IT.

In all seriousness, every person on the planet is sick to death of discussing this reboot/remake of the beloved 1980s classic, and to save you (and myself) the trouble, here's my review that I finalized quite a while ago when it first popped into theaters. It's amassed a surprising amount of hits (up there with older entries such as Man of Steel), and I would consider it to be one of my more passionate, prouder write-ups that I've churned out to date.

33) The Conjuring 2

Upon its initial announcement, no one seemed to be quite sure of what to expect from director James Wan's follow-up to 2013's surprisingly great story about the tales of Ed and Lorraine Warren, who investigated stories dealing with the paranormal side of life. The argument for sequels almost always disappointing the masses has never quite subsided, and in the realm of horror cinema, it is far too frequently seen. As stated in a number of my own reviews throughout the years, however, you need to trust in Wan. The Malaysian-Australian filmmaker has gotten slowly, progressively better with each project of his choice, and has a real masterful ability to suck even the most hardened/stuck-up (i.e. those who absolutely refuse to be scared) into his twisted, dark world of events purportedly based in real life. There are some truly uncomfortable moments scattered throughout, and leads Vera Farmiga (The Departed) and Patrick Wilson (Watchmen) are in fine form. Keep an eye out for the especially creepy Crooked Man, whose most impressive feat comes from being portrayed by an actual human being and not through the easier method of CGI.

32) Star Trek Beyond

This is sure to make me look like a bad nerd, but I've never been the world's biggest Star Trek fan. True, I did casually tune in and catch the occasional episode of The Next Generation whenever I wasn't stuffing my brain with X-Men or Batman episodes, and I did manage to catch Star Trek: Insurrection when it first came to theaters, but that's about the extent of my dealings with the Enterprise and its crew. I have, however, enjoyed this new franchise far more than I ever expected to, and I would attribute that to new series head J.J. Abrams and his crew's yearning to try something different. There is true, genuine passion permeating throughout these last three projects, and the fact that new writer Simon Pegg (yes, the star of Shaun of the Dead and the prior two franchise entries) is willing to take new risks such as destroying the iconic Enterprise in a glorious, shocking first act, is pretty ballsy. Unfortunately, it does suffer from some tiny problems here and there, including a weak villain and the tendency to venture into "long episode" territory, but the love that is put into Star Trek Beyond in front of and behind the camera ensure that everyone on board, be they fans or not, should just relax and enjoy the ride. And at the very least, it is miles ahead of X-Men: Apocalypse.

31) Don't Think Twice

Respected standup comedian Mike Birbiglia sits down in the director's chair for the second time, giving us a look into the lives of an improv group whose own individuals have a variety of ambitions and dreams that may yet become a reality. Some hope to make it onto television (Key & Peele's Keegan-Michael Key), some have been slowly working on ventures outside of the troupe that will finally be finished and help them achieve a level of success (Garfunkel and Oates' Kate Micucci), and others have more personal, if not slightly pained reasons for staying in this risky field (Chris Gethard, Birbiglia himself). On the surface, this could seen as simply a light-hearted, if not slightly quirky look into a realm that you and I know very little about (even if you are longtime watchers of Whose Line is it Anyway?), but the writer/director/actor weaves a very heartfelt, all-too-human look into the realization that not everyone in a group, be they in this line of work or just a general group of friends, will be able to get what they want out of life. The acting is superb, the characters are very easy to relate to (including those who are written to be more arrogant or regretfully selfish), and even beneath the sadness, there is still a lot of heart.

30) Do Not Resist

I truly regret not posting a full review for Craig Atkinson's frightening, eye-opening, and all-too-real look into the militarization of the police throughout these darker times. It provides vital information to those who still may have their heads in the ground in regards to the ludicrous stances and actions that have been taken over these past....actually, I've lost count over how many years that this has been going on. We follow and investigate a number of individuals and groups who go about their now "daily routines," including a South Carolina-based SWAT group who bust up and destroy a small house just to obtain a paltry amount of marijuana. Hell, we're even privy to speeches given by retired colonel-turned-nutjob Dave Grossman, whose past history of crusading against video game violence is sure to make him a beloved figure in this day and age. Sadly, this important, underrated documentary did not receive wide distribution, but can be purchased on a number of sites such as YouTube and viewed for free on Amazon Prime.

29) Sully

Honestly, I'm surprised that director Clint Eastwood's newest outing in the realm of cinema hasn't garnered more attention on these "best of the year" lists, or even from the major award ceremonies. Given that Hollywood seems to have relaxed a bit on "conservative" performers like the Dirty Harry veteran or Hacksaw Ridge's Mel Gibson (which will not be appearing on this list) and their personal views and decided to focus on their actual techniques behind the camera, a movie based on the real life incident known as the "Miracle on the Hudson" seemed like surefire Oscar bait. Add in screen giant Tom Hanks as the titular "hero" of the story and the underrated Aaron Eckhart (Thank You for Smoking, The Dark Knight) as his first officer, and you've got even more of a chance for success. So, why does Sully just barely make into the top half of Into The Hive's list? Well, because it doesn't really merit any replays. It's a very well-crafted film, and the performances are expectedly great. There's even a dream sequence that is so intensely real, fans of horror franchises such as Final Destination may find themselves cringing a bit. Still, once you've seen it, there is a sincere amount of doubt over whether you will find yourself willing to watch it again in the foreseeable future. It's an exceptional motion picture, but there were a number of releases this year that had more to offer for someone like myself.

28) Doctor Strange

Why yes, a Marvel Studios movie did not make it into my own top ten or top fifteen for once (okay, that will be proven to be a lie if you come back later). Still, Doctor Strange, which is centered around a cocky, celebrated surgeon who strives to learn the mystic arts after suffering a career-ending injury, is the furthest thing from a bad movie, and a necessary addition to the (admittedly) overcrowded Marvel Cinematic Universe. Though it is the first real foray into the realm of sorcery and magic for fans normally accustomed to the previously technological-based films of the past eight years, it is also one of the first whose true wonder comes from the imagination brought forth by writers C. Robert Cargill and Scott Derrickson (who also directs), whose prior experience lies in the realm of horror. Their own flair is unlike anything previously seen in a Marvel movie, and lead actor Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock, Star Trek Into Darkness) manages to take a protagonist often perceived as being "B-level" into the same playing fields as his other contemporaries, but manages to help ground this as something that could honorably sit outside of the MCU as a great standalone picture. It is a visually stunning, fascinating treasure that will warrant more than a couple of viewings, especially if you have access to 3D glasses, a large screen, or substances of a more....psychedelic kind.

27) Finding Dory

The fact that Pixar's Finding Nemo has officially seen a sequel before The Incredibles still baffles me to this day. Yet here we are, with the gorgeously-animated, charming, and quite funny Finding Dory, which explores the search for the titular character's own family. Mind you, this follow-up does sport a far more juvenile sense of humor than some of Disney's other projects released during 2016 (more on that later), but it does tackle a number of important issues that could go over the heads of younger viewers, including Alzheimer's and the fear of being forgotten. In an attempt to keep things more positive, the introduction of new aquatic life such as a cantankerous octopus (Ed O'Neill) and a captive Whale Shark (Kaitlin Olson) do give this story a bit more life, though the latter is sadly underutilized. Dory does have a tendency to cram too many "feels" moments into its brisk ninety-seven minute-long running time (the opening five minutes feel like an attempt to recreate the complete depression of Up), and the story is overall something that you've experienced before, but I'll be damned if it doesn't make you smile even just a tiny bit or cause you to hug a loved one once the end credits have begun (Norm of the North caused this as well, only with a bottle of sleeping pills and two bottles of Jack Daniels).

26) Don't Breathe

Fede Alvarez rules. This movie ruled. Go read my review here. It....doesn't rule as much, but I would appreciate any views and feedback related to this new horror gem.

25) The Jungle Book

So, let me get this straight: you want to make a live-action adaptation of Rudyard Kipling's beloved, highly influential, and globally recognized story about the man-cub Mowgli and his adventure of self-discovery, and you want to do it with a combination of computer-generated effects and the occasional human performance? Well hell, there isn't any way that you can do a worse job at adapting an older property than what they tried to do with that other human-among-animals tale, right? Thankfully (and luckily) director Jon Favreau (Chef, Iron Man) knocks it out of the friggin' park, managing to balance just the right amount of heart, humor, and action that is necessary to please old and new fans alike. Though it might be a slightly controversial thing to say here, I am of the belief that no other film from 2016 was casted as brilliantly as The Jungle Book was. Bill Murray (Ghostbusters, Caddyshack) and Sir Ben Kingsley (Gandhi, Sexy Beast) turn in outstanding performances as Baloo and Bagheera, while Idris Elba (The Wire, Pacific Rim) is utterly diabolical and heartless as legendary villain Shere Khan. Even Scarlett Johansson gets in on the action as Kaa, giving off a sleek and enchanting vibe that could seduce men and women alike, and makes you forget all about the slightly silly lisp that Sterling Holloway gave the character back in 1967. The effects are also gorgeous to boot, and explore the potential of what CGI can be when it's done right.

And if all of that isn't enough to convince you to watch this fine piece of entertainment, then I shall also mention the scene involving Christopher Walken singing "I Wanna Be Like You."

And by "mention," I mean post below.

Well, now that we've managed to finally wrap up the third part in this overly long multipart list, tune in tomorrow (I swear!) for part four. Perhaps we'll be taking a trip of the Polynesian sort? Or witness the emergence of a destructive deity? Heck, maybe we'll even see the beloved John Goodman make an appearance on here...

Into the Hive Presents: End of the Line (Part 2)

Though days have since passed, the inevitable second part to "End of the Line," which shall hopefully become a yearly (if not quarterly) occurrence on here, has finally surfaced. Without giving too much away, I would like to offer a fair warning about today's rankings: a sizable amount of feelings may be hurt during these subsequent posts. Then again, this is the day and age of the internet, where everyone hates everybody else for reasons ranging from whether or not you like the production of a particular underground heavy metal act's newest 7" disc, to the volume of sogginess in your cereal ("You like it crispy? I like you dead!"). So, if you choose to hurl insults or anything close to that nature, then go right ahead. Remember: these opinions represent nobody but myself, and I always welcome comments or civilized debates.



And with that said, let us move on.

48) The Angry Birds Movie



If you could categorize part one of my postings as the "worst" of the bunch, then perhaps a good chunk of the following films can be classified as the choices that ranged from "disappointing" to "fairly okay." Shockingly, The Angry Birds Movie falls under neither category, and if I can be brutally honest, I was surprised that it didn't rank lower on my countdown. Serving as more of an advertisement for the mobile game than as an actual animated piece with heart or a strong message (read the app's instructions on your tablet or phone, mix in a subplot about the Red Bird having a rather bad temperament & attending group therapy sessions, and you've got Angry Birds' story), there is nothing overly terrible about this Sony Pictures release. Well, save for the inclusion of nu-metal relic Limp Bizkit's cover of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes," which should have been left buried alongside the movie that it was a part of. As I stated with Norm of the North, however, why not give your children a better quality motion picture? If it's the film's content that you are worried about, then I can assure you that not only is there far more intelligence in a picture from the likes of Pixar or Studio Laika (both of whom will make appearances over the next few days), but there is less of a chance that you will see a main character swim in and drink from a lake that another has previously urinated in.

47) The Legend of Tarzan



Due to a lack of time, I never got around to writing a review for Warner Brothers' attempt at reviving Edgar Rice Burroughs' classic fictional hero for the "millennial" crowd. Well, not on this blog anyway (cue Instagram plug). Regardless, despite being a fairly dated property (and uncomfortably sketchy when you consider how natives were usually written/portrayed in past efforts), The Legend of Tarzan, which revolves around the now-civilized human returning to the wild so that he may pursue and stop some evil assholes (hey, that's the CliffsNotes version!), intrigued me based on its cast and director (Harry Potter alum David Yates). That, and I was fairly certain that it would briefly satiate my thirst for man-on-gorilla action until....actually, I'm not sure how to finish that one. Sure enough, the fight choreography is competently done for the most part, though even those brief skirmishes between our protagonist and a variety of mammals can give you a headache if you aren't used to seeing an overwhelming amount of horrible-looking CGI. The chemistry between the leads never really feels natural, but when you consider how much this film relies on the usage of flashback sequences and exposition, it doesn't feel very proper to blame them. Lemmy bless Samuel L. Jackson for doing his best attempt to add SOME humor to the entire experience though, as well as helping distract the audience from the disappointingly bland performances by Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained, Inglourious Basterds) and Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood). With so many aspects that should work in its favor, the film just feels so decidedly average, and brings nothing to the table for those who are searching for something outside of your run-of-the-mill, time-killing, Redbox rental.

46) X-Men: Apocalypse



Aaaaand here's where a select few will either chastise, vehemently disagree, or flat out yell with me for placing the newest entry in Fox's X-Men franchise so low on an EOTY list. But you know what? I stand by my decision, as unconventional as it may be. When it came to Apocalypse, my excitement levels were quite noticeable. In prior installment X-Men: Days of Future Past, we were shown a glimpse of what was to come, as it essentially rebooted the often-confusing timeline, all while disregarding and correcting the mistakes of despised projects such as X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. For all of the flack that 20th Century Fox has been given over their treatment of Professor X's team of mutants and their lavish, fascinating list of enemies, they managed to distribute a pretty suspenseful, exciting, and fresh motion picture. It felt like a humongous step forward.


Alas, that step was only a singular one, and with the absolutely messy Apocalypse, it felt as if fans were forced at gunpoint to take several more in reverse; finding themselves stuck in the same scenario that troubled them before. Now that things are looking up, what is the next logical step? Start anew and develop the original team? Handle fan favorites such as Cyclops, Jean Grey, Psylocke, Angel, and Storm with the care and respect that they have deserved for so long? Move away from Michael Fassbender's Magneto, thus giving us time to develop another interesting villain that can take his place should the Academy Award nominee become tired of playing the self-proclaimed "Master of Magnetism?" Bring back Jennifer Lawrence for a performance that reminds audiences that yes, she will silence the critics of her portrayal as Mystique? If you answered yes to any of these four questions, I am afraid that I have some very bad news for you. Disappointingly, the titular villain just seems to lack anything remotely interesting outside of yelling like The Ultimate Warrior and turning on a "God Mode" cheat code whenever he feels like it, and his horsemen are equally as poorly-handled by Apocalypse's four writers than the two who finalized The Last Stand's awful script. Your average viewer doesn't have to be an avid comic book fan to know when something feels mishandled in an adaptation, or flat-out wrong (Batman using guns/murdering people in Batman v. Superman is a prime example). We have to wonder if director Bryan Singer and writer Simon Kinberg are exhausted from handling these type of movies at this point in their careers, and seeing as how the latter's more recent efforts have included working on the likes of Chappie and Fantastic Four, I believe that a lengthy break from large, studio flicks has most certainly been earned. Though my optimism for Logan is still there (especially with the news that it will be rated 'R'), my hopes for Wolverine's team of comrades and allies can only be restored if they can make their way into the hands of Marvel Studios.

45) Tyler Perry's Boo! A Madea Halloween



With the placement of Boo! A Madea Halloween at number forty-five on my countdown, it is officially higher than a comic book movie that I was legitimately excited to see. Yeesh, I really did have a strange 2016. Anyway, if you haven't read my full review for this....thing.....when I caught it in theaters during opening weekend, you should click right here and check out my unedited, fresh perspective on my first experience with a project by the divisive and eccentric man who became so big, that even South Park had to recognize his absurd, strange popularity. Perhaps the biggest reward for sitting through this morbidly captivating, though oddly watchable turd was that it resulted in the movie's Instagram account liking and commenting on my link to said review. Those in turn led to a follow on the same website, and even some reposting on social networks such as Twitter. To this day, I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. As James Earl Jones' Maggie Simpson once said:

44) The Brooklyn Banker



Wait, hold on a second here. *checks notes*


Did I even see this one? Admittedly, my memory is a bit fuzzy, but I seem to recall the plot having something to do with a banker whose ability to memorize numbers getting strong-armed into....something to do with the mafia and forging checks? And his father-in-law may work for them as well? Oy vey, this will likely go down as one of the more unimpressive paragraphs that I type about during this countdown. While sporting some halfway-decent performances (Goodfellas' Paul Sorvino pulls one out despite appearing as if he would rather be napping than acting these days), the film crawls at a snail's pace so frequently that you can easily find yourself losing interest at an alarmingly quick rate. In an attempt to create a love letter to directing giants such as Martin Scorsese, the filmmakers end up churning out what feels akin to a low-budget fan film that somehow managed to wrangle up some familiar faces. My unkind words aside, there is some promise buried underneath all of the plainness, so I do wish the filmmakers the best of luck in the near future.

43) Holidays



As previously mentioned with my Madea review, you can read my unedited, and brutally honest thoughts on this horror anthology right here. If you choose to be so kind and do such a thing, then you will completely understand as to why this is placed so low. If you don't, then I will sum it up as quickly as I possibly can: there are about two or three fun (though not necessarily great) segments that would have been better served as shorts in another motion picture collection, and the rest range from "good concept, iffy execution" to "kill it with fire and toss it into the trash where it belongs." In fact, make sure that Kevin Smith's Halloween segment is the first to go, just so that the chance of people discovering it becomes progressively more difficult for the average shopper.

42) Hail, Caesar!




Okay......okay......I can justify this......*deep breath*


Despite some excellent acting from nearly the entire cast (a staple of the directors' productions since their earliest efforts), and a very entertaining sequence revolving around pronunciation/accents between Ralph Fiennes and Alden Ehrenreich, Hail, Caesar! feels like the well-respected duo of Joel and Ethan Coen (The Big Lebowski, Fargo, No Country for Old Men) are communicating with their audiences that they may not really care about what they think of them at this point in their careers. This would explain why this unabashed love letter to the golden age of cinema comes across as more of a passion project that pleases themselves rather than your average moviegoer. True, it does seem like they're set on focusing on churning out multiple projects these days that don't exactly have the most complex or powerful of plots (even as a self-professed lover of Burn After Reading, I will admit that it isn't exactly a masterpiece), but when the main plot involving the disappearance of George Clooney's naïve and handsome Baird Whitlock turns into only one of many that begin to overtake the picture, you get this sinking feeling that none of this shall really matter in the end. Without giving too much away, Hail, Caesar! just feels kind of complacent and pointless once the dust has settled and everything has come to a close. Even if all of the aforementioned opinions and thoughts previously listed don't settle well with you, then I can just add that I personally didn't find it to be very funny, and it feels awfully sluggish when the action shifts from Josh Brolin's adventures back to Clooney & his kidnappers. Perhaps with repeated viewings over the years, as well as an ability to better appreciate the craft of 1950s cinema, I may grow to appreciate this one a little bit more. Such a thing was necessary with Inside Llewyn Davis, which I have grown to admire a moderate amount since time has passed, but for now, it isn't budging from this position.


To its credit though, the flick is infinitely better than The Ladykillers. So, that's another compliment.

41) The Girl on the Train



It does boggle my mind a bit that Paula Hawkins' debut novel of the same name is still selling an absurd amount of copies in bookstores across the country. Then again, it does make for an easy, engrossing, and fairly acceptable read for those seeking out a cheap thriller to help pass the time during a long flight or vacation. Director Tate Taylor's (The Help) theatrical adaptation, however, is so utterly droll that it borders on soap opera territory on more than a few occasions. Emily Blunt is in very fine form as a divorced alcoholic who finds herself involved in the disappearance of a young woman that she used to watch from a distance while travelling back and forth on a train. She is one hundred percent dedicated to this role, and deserves every single one of the accolades being thrown her way. It's just too bad that the movie is so darn second-rate, with nearly any semblance of humanity or rational thoughts in these characters becoming nonexistent as the plot begins to unravel. There are a few scattered moments throughout The Girl on the Train that border on camp, and the ending twist(s) are easy to spot from a mile away even if you aren't familiar with its previously-printed source material. What could have ended up being something akin to Matthew Vaughn's Stardust or Gregory Hoblit's Primal Fear (improvements over their respective books) ends up feeling more like a grossly melodramatic, disorganized companion piece to other disappointments such as It or Queen of the Damned.

40) The Funhouse Massacre




Oh yes, I did just place a low-budget horror-comedy above a Coen Brothers production. WHATEVER, I DO WHAT I WANT. Still, what makes this little ditty work is that it knows its audience, and there isn't a single bit of pretense about it. For what passes as a plot is admittedly generic (mass murderers are freed from prison, take over a funhouse around Halloween, and begin to kill dumbfounded young adults who venture inside), but in pieces like Andy Palmer's The Funhouse Massacre, entertainment value is what matters the most. The dark humor is well-placed, and the cast of characters, which includes terror icons such as Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street), Clint Howard (Carnosaur, The Ice Cream Man, Ticks), and Courtney Gains (Children of the Corn) are very gleeful and charming to watch. Yes, they will never exactly set the world on fire, but I personally found them to be far more memorable than the cluster that appeared in another particular entry from 2016. Had something such as this been released during the golden age of the 1980s, I feel as though it would have garnered more attention and a larger following. Still, if you can track a copy down from Amazon or Scream! Factory's website (all too fitting that they distributed this), it makes for a pretty enjoyable, gory romp.

39) Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising



Was a sequel to 2014's surprisingly funny comedy (cue review plug) about a war between a married couple and their obnoxious, somewhat-overbearing nearby fraternal residents absolutely necessary? The previous film wrapped in a way that did leave the door open for another vulgar romp featuring these characters, though not through the same means and methods as before. Still, here we were, with Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising having made its way to theaters rather quickly. Most of the cast does seem to be having a very fun time, and I welcome any chance to see Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick-Ass, The Equalizer) expand her filmography with new, different projects. Alongside her new cohorts (Kiersey Clemons and Beanie Feldstein) and returning costar Zac Efron, they manage to keep the movie afloat whenever its average script attempts to drag it down. Most of Neighbors 2's best bits come from the small interactions that slip through the cracks of what they perceive will be the bigger, more memorable moments (aka, the "trailer" shots). Unfortunately, the follow-up does conclude with a predictable final act that feels a bit flat, but thankfully, Nicholas Stoller's newest effort does manage to produce just enough hearty laughs to warrant a recommendation.

38) Keanu



Have there been any arguments as to whether the comedic duo of Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele (who co-writes here) are the closest thing to Dave Chappelle that Comedy Central has produced ever since the latter's sketch comedy show wrapped? With their debut motion picture (AS A DUO), they certain have staked their claim, yet have managed to separate themselves from the comparison rather easily. Keanu follows a man who has recently been dumped, and adopts a kitten that happens to show up on his doorstep out of the blue. As with any good-hearted human being, the little fella cheers him up. One evening, he arrives back to his house only to find that the animal, nicknamed "Keanu," has been stolen. Determined to track him down, he bands together with his best friend and they set out on an adventure that is, to put it lightly, more dangerous than either of them could have ever imagined. Keanu's plot is absurd; it's the type that you think would work better as a television skit rather than a film that costs fifteen million dollars to make. In some aspects, that thought is proven to be true, because not every joke that they fire off hits its target, and it becomes a little too reliant upon the running gag that all African Americans act like thugs or brigands. The titular kidnapped feline doesn't receive nearly enough screen time (but gosh is it cute), but this is more about the human interaction anyway. The scenes involving Key's character of Clarence introducing a group of gangbangers to the musical catalogue of George Michael serves as a surprisingly great tribute to the recently-deceased pop star, and a moment involving the surprise appearance of a certain veteran from the Scary Movie franchise brings out the best of everyone involved with this project. It's a movie that is far from perfect, but I'll be darned if it isn't pretty damn funny.


Also, the ending credits, which consists of a large number of Keanu-centric stills wherein the cat is dressed up to mimic famous movie scenes, is far too adorable. How that has yet to make it to calendar form, I have no idea.

37) Lights Out



For a first time (major) directorial debut, David F. Sandberg's Lights Out serves as one of the better surprises that I saw in a cinema during 2016. Of course, it being in the bottom half of my sixty choices does mean that I sat through other horror movies that I personally found to be more engaging or suspenseful, but I will get to those in future posts. Speaking of that, I feel beyond tired when it comes to the argument that "PG-13 horror films can't be scary," and I would point to this hidden gem about an unknown entity that torments a young boy and his family in the dark (which you can read my full review for here) as an example of why you shouldn't be so easy to just ignorantly throw that statement around. Does it have flaws? Absolutely. The acting is quite hit-or-miss, though Maria Bello (A History of Violence, Payback) shines above everyone else. The dependence on jump scares wears thin over time, but its unsettling nature, which evokes other recent efforts such as The Babadook and Insidious (whose own director James Wan produces here) does breathe some life into this short-running flick. Turn off the lights (hardy har har) and immerse yourself in its strange world.




Well, that shall do it for part two. Stay tuned for part three, which may or may not include the most controversial movie of the summer, an incredibly quirky comedy-drama starring the man once known as "Bullseye," and a terrifying documentary that should have received wider release......

Into the Hive Presents: End of the Line (Part 1)

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I....okay, admittedly it's only been about three months since I posted something on here, but can you blame me for attempting some sort of grandiose introduction? Then again, it would be rather unfair to even think that 2016 will go down as anything other than a very depressing year for anybody who is left with a pulse. After all, we had to bear witness to an awful election that made us appear as a laughing stock to the rest of the world, the United Kingdom withdrew from the European Union in a move that many across the globe called "utterly insane," and we were hit with an unbelievable amount of high-profile deaths from the entertainment industry that seemingly came out of nowhere.


Despite the unmistakable sense of dread that a large chunk of the population is feeling right now, you still have to take the good with the (very) bad, and luckily enough, we had a plethora of solid releases in the realm of cinema to nearly make up for anything that was utter rubbish during the time where we elected that guy who took one of the top 3 worst stone cold stunners as president. Of course, there has historically never been an absolutely perfect year for movies, so yours truly had to sit through quite a few bad ones so that you wouldn't have to. Unlike most "end of the year" lists that you will no doubt be seeing around the internet and in your local bookstore (yes, those are still a thing), I have elected to rank every single one of the special pieces, as it can also give me an excuse to talk about pictures that I never got around to properly reviewing (unless you follow me on Instagram). Today shall be the first twelve, which I suppose you can consider to be my equivalent to what are usually categorized as a "worst of the year" compilation.


So without further adieu, let us move into the first part of what I have dubbed "End of the Line." As we kick off, we pay a visit to someone who has long been a staple of the comic book industry...

60) Yoga Hosers



Ha! You thought it was going to be something based off of a DC Comics property, didn't you? Anyway, I feel as though I ran myself ragged during my written review for Kevin Smith's latest foray outside of his "View Askewniverse," and it almost feels unnecessary to compose any further pieces about the rather poor Yoga Hosers. The tale of two teenage clerks (Smith even has one of them utter the infamous "I'm not even supposed to be here today" line from his debut picture) who get sucked into a plot involving the appearance of Nazi sausages is most assuredly not for his target audience, but it fails to generate any real laughs regardless of whatever demographic it is aiming for. It feels like a movie made solely for his closest friends and family (nepotism is certainly on display here with the casting of daughter Harley Quinn Smith & her bestie Lily-Rose Depp), and is further proof that not every idea that you come up while high on marijuana should make it to screen. Plus, when you manage to pull Johnny Depp into your picture, bury him underneath some horrible prosthetics, and proceed to make him act like a bad impression of a Mad TV character, then you may be in trouble. Hell, even if the first two acts ended up being watchable or halfway decent, the third one is bad enough to keep it grounded at this number in the countdown.

59) Meet the Blacks



Good Lemmy was this embarrassing. If this one doesn't ring a bell to you, fret not: should you ever watch it, it might be forgotten about within less than two days. In a year where we had triumphant pictures in the realm of African American cinema (which will be discussed within a couple of days or so), this sorry excuse for a film that means to serve as a hybrid parody/sequel to the ever-popular The Purge franchise is just pathetic, offensive, and all-around lazy. The writing feels like something that middle school students would come up with upon their first attempt at screenwriting, but with no prior knowledge or understanding of what makes comedies work. The "jokes" are fired out at such an alarmingly quick rate, that you're never left with any time to breathe or even recall those that almost made you chuckle. Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of this mess is the presence of well-respected comedians such as George Lopez (portraying president "El Bama." Hur hur hur) and Paul Mooney. Unless they have drastically changed their opinions over the years, those two were always quite vocal with expressing their disgust with the stereotyping over their own races. Of course, they could have owed the crew and its director a favor, but if that's the case, how big of one was it? Please, stop filming and supporting this type of dreck. And while I have the time to address him, I'd like to kindly ask that Mike Epps stay FAR away from that Richard Pryor biopic if he has any respect for that legend's legacy.

58) Norm of the North



In a year that was filled with stunning pieces of animation that carried important messages for younger viewers and often took chances by including darker themes, 2016 was kicked off by the Lionsgate-distributed, Rob Schneider-led Norm of the North, which was (and I'm putting this lightly) hauntingly crappy. One can only imagine how studio executives must have crafted and conceived this tale about a talking polar bear who tries to save his home. In order to do that, he figures that the best way to accomplish such a thing would be to show every single person in the big cities that he can twerk (which in turn, amazes people to the point where they act as if Jesus Christ himself has returned). While the astonishing shittiness of Norm of the North can be fascinatingly bad to watch at times, it was also one of the few flicks this year to truly frustrate me: its plot becomes rather convoluted (queue the studio heads saying "eh, kids are stupid. Who cares? Let's just do more homophobic and big butt jokes!"), the writing feels dated and cheap, and it blatantly attempts to ape more well-known animated pieces (if you don't agree that the lemmings are a direct ripoff of Despicable Me's Minions, you may not own a television set. Or ever venture outside). Despite a budget of approximately eighteen million dollars, Norm's graphics appear to be ripped right out of a PlayStation 2 title. Unlike those video games, however, I sense that any subsequent follow-ups, which were greenlit before this abomination even made it to theaters, will degenerate and look progressively worse; making this out to appear like Toy Story in comparison.

57) Zoolander 2



In terms of wanting to please its audience, it was hard to think of a more desperate picture that was released to cinemas that WASN'T Zoolander 2. Let it be known: I really enjoy this project's predecessor, and have the ability to quote a good number of lines from it should you ever put me on the spot. If you asked me whether it should have received any sort of follow-up, wherein it would revolve around the seemingly random murdering of pop culture icons and models, I would most likely respond with a half-hearted shrug, and ask that it be done as soon as humanly possible (i.e. not fifteen years later). Much to my sadness, time was not on this motion picture's side, and the only result of Zoolander 2's release and aftermath is that it manages to actually hurt the original piece's legacy as a result of this entry being so lackluster. Yes, there are a very, VERY small amount of laughs to be found when you aren't being suffocated with obnoxiously forced celebrity cameos (including Neil deGrasse Tyson of all people), but most of them come from throwbacks to the original film. Of course, that begs the question of why wouldn't you just save your money and watch that instead? Especially since, save for Ben Stiller himself, there just seems to be so much disappointment on the faces of everyone involved with Zoolander 2. Truthfully, I do feel remorse for even putting this so low, as Stiller himself treated this as if it were a passion project. And yet, if that was the case, why not go with concepts that you AREN'T as passionate about next time? I'd rather you take a chance on something different than churn out an unnecessary, unfunny sequel.



Which reminds me.......

56) Independence Day: Resurgence



Ahhhh, that was the easiest segue in the world.



First off, director Roland Emmerich's newest big budget catastrophe (whose own title is a fairly accurate description of whatever resembles a plot) loses points with me solely based on the fact that it led to fan favorite companies Funimation and Toho Pictures being forced to rename a specific Japanese release for Western audiences. Why you might be asking? Because they were afraid that people would confuse the two pictures with one another. As stupid as they may sound, trust me when I say that people can constantly surprise you when it comes to being easily confused by similar-sounding media (yours truly has spent twelve years in the world of retail after all). Luckily, I am here to help those in need who are searching for an easy, quick way to help differentiate the two flicks: Godzilla Resurgence, the thirty-first entry in a franchise that has been (unfairly) dismissed and stereotyped as "dumb," actually has some real strong commentary about the state of Japanese politics hidden beneath the expensive destruction in his newest rampage. It's gorgeous to look at it, features some top-notch acting, a large amount of smart dialogue, and is just a real pleasant surprise. Independence Day: Resurgence, on the other hand, sports an often-confusing narrative, ridiculous twists that even those with the ability to suspend disbelief will find stunningly stupid, racial caricatures that would make even Michael Bay cringe (something which carried over from its 1996 forefather), and most surprisingly, a shocking lack of fun. It also reflects the evolution of the "summer blockbuster," as some of these effects and ideas feel like they were lifted from an assortment of superior pictures over the last two decades. Was actor Will Smith's decision to opt out of this and instead stick with the equally-maligned Suicide Squad a wise one? Hell, given that nearly every other veteran from the prior film has a look in their eyes that echoes the most sorrowful of moods, I would venture to say...I guess so?

55) God's Not Dead 2



Jeez, even I didn't expect there to be so many sequels filling out the bottom twelve so far. I suppose that such a thing reflects on just how poorly and/or hastily made some of these were though, right? Unsurprisingly, the follow-up to one of my most despised propaganda pieces in recent memory can't quite come in towards the very bottom because at this point on, I feel slightly sorry for many people involved with it. You start with one of my first childhood crushes in Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa Explains it All, Sabrina The Teenage Witch) turning in a blatantly overdramatic performance as a teacher who goes on trial for bringing up Jesus in a classroom discussion about Martin Luther King Jr. Suddenly, she finds herself in a heap of trouble and on trial, with the evil ACLU threatening to strip away her teaching license forever and prove that once and for all, GOD IS DEAD. *cue evil laughter*


Okay, so only a small percentage of the above sentence is actually uttered in the film, though I will leave it to you readers to figure out which part it is. Still, the fact remains that these filmmakers believe that making the American Civil Liberties Union (led by Twin Peaks veteran Ray Wise), who have gone to bat for free speech of even the worst variety, look like evil antichristian devils out to ruin every single believers' lives, is just laughable.

God's Not Dead 2 has this idea that all of its fanbase are just dying to hear straw man arguments for ninety minutes interspersed with awkward subplots involving pastors who look like MacGyver and a portrayal of a Chinese father and his son that is so bad, it appears as though the writers were hoping for it to draw us one step closer to a nuclear war. Instead of potentially improving upon your initial product, it's just a boring, stupefying, irritating, and preachy mess.


And if my religious comrades still aren't convinced to stay away, I must warn you: Mike Huckabee has a cameo in it......


.......Ugh, even Zoolander 2 knew where to draw the line.......

54) 31



In a way, writer/director Rob Zombie's latest foray into the horror realm, the very "Running Man"-inspired 31, shares a lot in common with Kevin Smith's aforementioned Yoga Hosers. Both have come out after a brief three-year-long break and they are from filmmakers whose previous body of work, while not always consistent, was usually discussed positively among their peers and legion of devotees. Released to theaters for essentially one whole day, it wasn't entirely shocking that 31 wasn't picked up for wider distribution, as the film does sport a good amount of uncomfortable moments and occasional brutal violence. Then again, the man responsible for films such as The Devil's Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses has never exactly been a favorite of the MPAA, so it seemed like an honest-to-god miracle that this made its way into any Cineplex whatsoever. The story of 31 revolves around a small group of carnival workers who get sucked into playing a game of survival against a group of psychotic clowns, who are unleashed upon them by wannabe powdered aristocrats (led by A Clockwork Orange's Malcolm McDowell). The story, while fairly simplistic and rudimentary, sounds like it could make for an entertaining experience, but much like Zombie's previous flick, it is far more concerned with style and "being cool" than being scary or even unsettling. Given that this was conceptualized and written within a rather short amount of time, I'm not even sure that the former White Zombie frontman himself seemed to know what 31 should end up being. Some truly bizarre and scattered dialogue (a staple at this point in his filmography) ends up coming across as ludicrously childish and annoying, and although Batman Begins star Richard Brake manages to make the best of what he has been forced to memorize (his presence, though underutilized, is enough to keep it out of the bottom five), the entire product as a whole just feels forgettable and worse yet, often lazy. At least Malcolm McDowell can now say that Mr. Magoo isn't the worst thing he's ever taken part in.

53) Gods of Egypt



Hey look, it's a dead horse! Who wants to take turns beating it some more?!


Honestly, what can I say about this expensive dumpster fire that hasn't already been uttered by every single newspaper, magazine, or website across the country? This pastiche of God of War, The Mummy, and a bad Saturday morning cartoon will almost certainly be up for every award at the yearly Razzie Awards, and given how idiotic, ugly (Big Bad Beetleborgs features better costume designs), cheap (Terminator 2: Judgement Day has superior CGI), dull (overacting that makes Gerard Butler's villain seem grounded), and whitewashed (if you can count more than two or three Egyptian and/or Middle Eastern actors, I will buy you a coke) it is, I wouldn't be completely opposed to it sweeping every category. The most depressing aspect of Gods of Egypt comes from knowing that it has the name of Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) attached to it. During its initial theatrical run, the director lashed out rather harshly at critics for disliking his newest project, and likened them to vultures. Well, unless my memory is hazy, those birds feast on dying creatures and rotting carcasses. Therefore, even you must be admitting that your movie is a stinker Alex.

52) Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice



You know, almost a full year has passed, and I feel as though this much-hyped crossover clash took far too much of a thrashing to warrant it actually topping a multitude of "Worst of the Year" lists. Yes, it is a dumb, confusing, lengthy (the director's cut that appears on its Blu-Ray release runs for over three hours), unexciting, poorly edited, poorly acted (I'm still staring at you with disgust Jesse Eisenberg), and just all-around messy production, but....I've seen far worse. In fact, I was sincerely debating rotating this and my next two entries on this countdown around with each other, as they all essentially feel like the same inadequate misfire. If you haven't already read my initial thoughts after I saw it in theaters, click here for the rundown. I'm honestly too tired to go through arguing about this one again.

51) Suicide Squad



Speaking of tiresome, what exhausted me about discussing Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice was doubled in the frustratingly clunky big-screen adaptation of one of DC Comics' most notorious antihero collectives. Yes, Will Smith as noted assassin Deadshot is arguably the highlight of the picture, and Jay Hernandez's El Diablo comes close to resembling an interesting character (until he suddenly turns into a leftover sketch from Thor: The Dark World towards the end of their confrontation with the hilariously terrible Enchantress), but I just felt so bad for this flick's entire existence. Writer/director David Ayer was given approximately six weeks to write a script AFTER a release date was scheduled, they were forced to go back and shoot additional sequences because test audiences/executives thought that the film wasn't fun enough (note: it didn't work out), and the entire experience is noticeably edited like they were in a hurry to get it out while the buzz around "superhero" films was still hot. Even Jared Leto's portrayal as The Joker is the least of this production's worries, as he is barely in the thing. Anyway, I already tired myself out breaking down how and why I didn't enjoy this particular experience, so go check out my full, unedited thoughts if it interests you in the slightest.

50) Batman: The Killing Joke



As with the two entries above, here is my full-length review for the animated adaptation of Alan Moore's celebrated, yet controversial Batman story that deals with not just the complex relation between the caped crusader and his most well-known adversary, but also as a potential origin story for one of the oldest comic book creations of all time. If you don't feel like clicking that link, I shall attempt to sum it up in two sentences. Despite some fairly good animation and solid voice performances, the first act of the picture (which consists of original content that does NOT come from its source material) is so ghastly and wretched that it actually manages to twist the Killing Joke storyline into something entirely different, and not in a good way. If you were one of the few who felt that Moore's writing and use of Barbara Gordon was offensive in the 1988 graphic novel, then you haven't seen anything yet. Perhaps this should have been done as a short film instead, or remained untouched altogether.

49) Nine Lives



In terms of technical aspects, the Barry Sonenfeld-directed Nine Lives is worse than every other motion picture that I have mentioned so far (yes, even Yoga Hosers). After all, it is essentially a really bad take on The Shaggy Dog, but with Kevin Spacey in place of Fred MacMurray and Tim Allen, and it being a feline rather than a canine. But dear Lemmy is it gloriously shitty. The CGI cat , whose own sound effects are provided by a grown man who was being paid to screech and howl like you would around an excitable toddler, looks like it was lifted out of a mid-1990s straight-to-VHS release, and nobody bothered to actually spend any money by hiring animators who knew even the slightest bit about how to make something look halfway believable. SpaceyCat (someone trademark that damn it!) does its business inside of Cheryl Hines' purse, in what we can assume is punishment for divorcing Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm. It also falls out of a window at one point, but somehow finds its way into a limo for hijinks. SpaceyCat breaks into an alcohol cabinet and drinks an entire bottle of whiskey out of a water bowl. Come to think of it, a plethora of the cast also drinks throughout the film's running time, and it wouldn't have surprised me to find out that most of them were severely inebriated when the cameras were on. If you have access to certain likeminded individuals or, well, "film enhancers," Nine Lives can make for one hell of an entertaining time. If you don't, the possibility of enjoyment is still there, but c'mon, you might as well live a little if you're going to sit through a picture starring Kevin Spacey trapped inside the body of a pet cat that Christopher Walken dubs "Mr. Fuzzypants."




And with that, the true turds have been dealt with. Come back very soon for the next twelve, which may or may not include a ninety-minute advertisement for an outdated video game, a disappointing step back for a franchise that seemed as though it was getting back on track to being respectable, and a love letter to mafia flicks that somehow managed to wrangle Paul Sorvino into its cast....

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 29, Day 30, & Day 31

Well.....this is awkward. Honestly, outside of hanging out a few times with a beautiful lady who seems to dig me, I can't give any sort of valid excuse or explanation for why I am so late on finishing this year's edition of the marathon. Sadly, due to these circumstances and situations, I had to miss a scheduled screening of The Thing from Another World, which was my initial choice for day twenty-nine. Regardless of whatever happened, I have a job to do god damn it, so let's knock the rest of these out of the way, shall we?

The most important factors to me for deciding to check out 2008's Dark Floors came from the knowledge of it being a release from Ghost House Pictures (the production company co-founded by Evil Dead mastermind Sam Raimi), setting it in an abandoned hospital, and from seeing William Hope (Lt. Gorman from Aliens) as the lead performer. What will attract most of everyone else is the presence of Lordi as the sinister beasts perusing and haunting the premises.......yes, THAT Lordi. And for those reading this review while asking "who in the world is Lordi?" I suppose that the most appropriate description would be what would happen if you sucked all of the cool out of Gwar or Ghoul and replaced it with songs made by a group of people with matching Kiss tattoos. Sadly, they are for Kiss' Dynasty-era, and not Destroyer.


This Finnish production's story, from what one can seem to decipher, revolves around a young autistic girl named Sarah. The child's father is unhappy with the progress that her hospital has failed to make, so he takes her and they board an elevator along with other strangers from different backgrounds and professions. As the collective wait to be taken to their respective floors, they stop unexpectedly before they can reach their destination; finding themselves being stalked by demonic-looking creatures who may have possibly won the Eurovision Song Contest two years prior to these events. Despite this fairly basic concept, Dark Floors does have some potential buried underneath a ton of layers. But my goodness, those are some hideously ugly ones. The film feels extremely rushed, with the screenwriters (and even some of the performers themselves) seemingly acting like they aren't even sure about the direction in which it is headed. True, this can provide for some occasional quirky, genuine moments in other mediums (the cast of AMC's The Walking Dead was reported to have been left in the dark in regards to who would die in the newest season premiere, even going so far as to film multiple, alternate deaths), but everyone just seems confused, and it begins to rub off on the audience after a short amount of time. Due to its awkward pacing and very matter-of-fact dialogue, we are barely afforded any time in which we should get to know, or care about any of these characters. Couple that with the fairly terrible melodramatic acting, and you have something that was far too reminiscent of releases like Stephen King miniseries The Langoliers, the live-action adaptation of The Girl on the Train, or a fan-made Silent Hill film.


Despite my love for anything that connects heavy metal and horror (seriously, why aren't you watching Deathgasm or Black Roses instead of reading this?), I can't in good conscious recommend that anyone save for diehard Lordi fans watch Dark Rooms. Its problems make the movie feel like it's stuck in quicksand, and worse yet, the final conclusion for the flick doesn't really give us a great explanation for what in the world we just watched for nearly ninety minutes. Plus....we're still talking about Lordi here. Even if you are a well-versed fan, there aren't any drastic alterations made to their costumes or attires, so when they start attacking or terrorizing people, all you keep thinking to yourself is "man, that 'hard rock hallelujah' band is pissed off over something that I can't quite comprehend." This musical gathering (whose own cheeseball song "Beast Loose in Paradise" plays during the credits) may appear to be frightening if you have children that are still in preschool, but to everyone else, they just look extremely goofy. It makes me wonder as to how this could have been marketed to a single soul in Finland, especially when you consider how famous they are in their native country. Perhaps if you are in the mood to ponder such an unnecessary question, you could throw your money down the drain by buying it on DVD, or streaming it for free on HBO Go.




So, what can I inject into my brain that will erase the awful memories of this hellish Helsinki failure?

Ahhh, just what the doctor ordered.


....I'm not apologizing for that joke.


Before anyone decides to jump on me, I must clarify that I HAVE seen Re-Animator on more than a few occasions, though it has admittedly been some time since I last paid a visit to Dr. Herbert West and his laboratory full of ideas that explore the possibility of reviving dead tissue. But god damn, is there any better example of how to pick yourself back up after sitting through cinematic excrement? Well, at least in terms of media-related ways I mean.


As I established multiple times throughout the past, it seems wholly futile to discuss the greatness of particular motion pictures that are already well-respected in the horror community. What more can I say about movies like Evil Dead 2, The Thing, or anything else with credibility and stature that hasn't already been uttered throughout several decades? And yet, I was compelled to watch Stuart Gordon's big screen take on the titular H.P. Lovecraft story specifically because I have ran into far too many people at work, be they customers or not, who have never bothered to bat an eye at Re-Animator. The plot for this bad boy concerns a scientist named Herbert West (played by the extremely underrated, charismatic Jeffrey Combs) who has been experimenting with a serum that he has developed which can bring that which is recently deceased back to life, though with mixed results in terms of post-revival behavior.


If you are going to be meticulous about adapting short stories into full-length feature films, then I suppose that you could be a bit cross about adding side plots to Gordon and producer Brian Yuzna's reworking. Still, it's hard to even tell the difference between the two sources, as they spice up what was already a fairly fascinating story by injecting a lot of dark humor into the script and making sure that Herbert himself is not entirely unsympathetic. Much of that comes from a lot of wacky, black comedy, including multiple moments of corpses freaking out over their sudden return to the land of the living (the squabble between Combs and a pet cat is quite hilarious). There is an abundance of morbid charm and finesse that helps take it to the next level of excellence. More of the adoration comes from the strong cast, including standouts from previous season favorite From Beyond like the aforementioned Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton, and Black Scorpion veteran Bruce Abbott. Nobody here does a bad job at all, with the devilishly creepy David Gale (star of another Unseen Terror entry titled The Brain) turning in a very memorable performance that only seems to get darker with every second that passes. For the very select few women who have never seen Re-Animator before: the final ten minutes could leave you traumatized, even if it's only for a temporary moment or two.


There is just so much to love and adore about Stuart Gordon's Re-Animator, which is one of the more wholly unique, creative, and hysterical takes on the concept of the zombie/Frankenstein formulas (pun intended). Perhaps in future Unseen Terrors, I will venture into the land of its sequels, which while receiving very mixed reviews, have always piqued my interest. If you are in the mood for something dementedly entertaining, Re-Animator is available for streaming on Netflix, as it is on newer horror-based subscription service Shudder. But hey, why not be more ambitious and just shell out a few bucks for the Blu-Ray instead?




Well, that will do it for....wait a minute, I can't end this on a movie that I've already seen. I have to throw in at least one more addition to the catalogue, don't I?

How oddly fitting that we began this year's marathon with a picture revolving around the horrors of man's mistakes (The Return of Godzilla), and now conclude with one about its own twisted beliefs (or lack thereof). For reasons unknown to even myself, I had never gone out of my way to watch 1973's highly-regarded and beloved The Wicker Man. It's a picture whose reputation as one of the best pieces of British cinema has grown exponentially over every decade that follows: a fascinating dissection about the clashing of religions and mankind's own bizarre, morose set of morals. For me, after the credits had wrapped up, I can't really see any reason to disagree with these opinions.


For the uninitiated, The Wicker Man revolves around a British sergeant named Howie, who has received an anonymous letter in the mail from a concerned citizen residing in the secluded area known as Summerisle: they claim that a young girl named Rowan Morrison has gone missing, and wish for someone to come and investigate. Arriving by biplane, he begins to question the residents, but every single one of them claims to have never heard of Rowan, or state that she has never existed. While perusing, he notices that the townsfolk partake in quite a number of tactics and traditions that are eerily reminiscent of early paganism (which can look tantalizing to most modern day fans). Being a devout Christian, Howie is appalled, but continues his work regardless. As time goes by, he digs deeper, and discovers that while all seems blissful in Summerisle, there is a much darker past to the land and its people than he could have ever realized.


Some will view (recently deceased) writer/director Robin Hardy's debut film as purely an attack on purity in a world that is anything but, though one can debate that it also argues for some sort of religious control (or at the very least, a sense of what is right and what is wrong). In the end, I viewed it as really just the horrors of sheer ignorance, and that both sides of the coin are equally flawed in this case. Howie (played brilliantly by Edward Woodward) does seem to be a bit of an uptight snob, but when he turns his nose up at the sight of seeing children having toads stuck into their mouths in hopes that it will cure whatever ails them, one can't help but feel that some of his disgust is a bit warranted. On the other hand, the world of Summerisle feels like something out of a dream: nobody fights, everyone is merry or helpful, the children are rather polite, men & women cavort about naked & make love in public with no care in the world, and their leader (portrayed by Christopher Lee) comes across as the type of interesting man who you could just become lost in listening to for hours. These clashes do contribute to the very noticeable slow burn over the course of the movie (which will make or break it for impatient fans), but when the final third of The Wicker Man comes about, it is thoroughly captivating and something that is very difficult to forget. In some regards, it feels like a companion piece to Don't Look Now, which was another 1973 release that took its sweet time and finished with a stunning ending (here's where I cue the cheap plug for my review of it).


I am quite satisfied that I can conclude 2016's Unseen Terror with a mesmerizing mystery-horror hybrid like The Wicker Man. It certainly won't be for everyone, but for the lot of you who are only familiar with the unintentionally hilarious remake from 2006 (note: there are no killer bees in the original flick), I think that seeking this out would be a wise move to make. After all, if you have a subscription to Starz or a few dollars to spend on internet shopping services such as Amazon, then why not may I ask?



Besides, giving any sort of money to Nicholas Cage in this day and age is the equivalent of buying alcohol for a homeless person.




And.......we're done! Thank you for sticking around, and for your patience during these occasional gaps and lulls in quality. I would also like to thank any and every single person who followed along for this, including those who shared/liked/commented on any of these reviews on social media. Hell, even those who bothered to bat an eye towards a single entry are worthy of a can of coke. You guys and gals keep me sane, and I doubt that I will ever tire of doing this.



Well, unless I keep getting exposed to theatrical diarrhea like Up from the Depths. Or Dark Floors. Or Cruel Jaws. Or Varan the Unbelievable. Or Dreamcatcher.



.....maybe I need to plan this out more carefully next time.




Anyway, see you guys soon for DOCTOR STRANGE!