And with that said, let us move on.
48) The Angry Birds Movie
If you could categorize part one of my postings as the "worst" of the bunch, then perhaps a good chunk of the following films can be classified as the choices that ranged from "disappointing" to "fairly okay." Shockingly, The Angry Birds Movie falls under neither category, and if I can be brutally honest, I was surprised that it didn't rank lower on my countdown. Serving as more of an advertisement for the mobile game than as an actual animated piece with heart or a strong message (read the app's instructions on your tablet or phone, mix in a subplot about the Red Bird having a rather bad temperament & attending group therapy sessions, and you've got Angry Birds' story), there is nothing overly terrible about this Sony Pictures release. Well, save for the inclusion of nu-metal relic Limp Bizkit's cover of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes," which should have been left buried alongside the movie that it was a part of. As I stated with Norm of the North, however, why not give your children a better quality motion picture? If it's the film's content that you are worried about, then I can assure you that not only is there far more intelligence in a picture from the likes of Pixar or Studio Laika (both of whom will make appearances over the next few days), but there is less of a chance that you will see a main character swim in and drink from a lake that another has previously urinated in.
47) The Legend of Tarzan
Due to a lack of time, I never got around to writing a review for Warner Brothers' attempt at reviving Edgar Rice Burroughs' classic fictional hero for the "millennial" crowd. Well, not on this blog anyway (cue Instagram plug). Regardless, despite being a fairly dated property (and uncomfortably sketchy when you consider how natives were usually written/portrayed in past efforts), The Legend of Tarzan, which revolves around the now-civilized human returning to the wild so that he may pursue and stop some evil assholes (hey, that's the CliffsNotes version!), intrigued me based on its cast and director (Harry Potter alum David Yates). That, and I was fairly certain that it would briefly satiate my thirst for man-on-gorilla action until....actually, I'm not sure how to finish that one. Sure enough, the fight choreography is competently done for the most part, though even those brief skirmishes between our protagonist and a variety of mammals can give you a headache if you aren't used to seeing an overwhelming amount of horrible-looking CGI. The chemistry between the leads never really feels natural, but when you consider how much this film relies on the usage of flashback sequences and exposition, it doesn't feel very proper to blame them. Lemmy bless Samuel L. Jackson for doing his best attempt to add SOME humor to the entire experience though, as well as helping distract the audience from the disappointingly bland performances by Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained, Inglourious Basterds) and Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood). With so many aspects that should work in its favor, the film just feels so decidedly average, and brings nothing to the table for those who are searching for something outside of your run-of-the-mill, time-killing, Redbox rental.
46) X-Men: Apocalypse
Aaaaand here's where a select few will either chastise, vehemently disagree, or flat out yell with me for placing the newest entry in Fox's X-Men franchise so low on an EOTY list. But you know what? I stand by my decision, as unconventional as it may be. When it came to Apocalypse, my excitement levels were quite noticeable. In prior installment X-Men: Days of Future Past, we were shown a glimpse of what was to come, as it essentially rebooted the often-confusing timeline, all while disregarding and correcting the mistakes of despised projects such as X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. For all of the flack that 20th Century Fox has been given over their treatment of Professor X's team of mutants and their lavish, fascinating list of enemies, they managed to distribute a pretty suspenseful, exciting, and fresh motion picture. It felt like a humongous step forward.
Alas, that step was only a singular one, and with the absolutely messy Apocalypse, it felt as if fans were forced at gunpoint to take several more in reverse; finding themselves stuck in the same scenario that troubled them before. Now that things are looking up, what is the next logical step? Start anew and develop the original team? Handle fan favorites such as Cyclops, Jean Grey, Psylocke, Angel, and Storm with the care and respect that they have deserved for so long? Move away from Michael Fassbender's Magneto, thus giving us time to develop another interesting villain that can take his place should the Academy Award nominee become tired of playing the self-proclaimed "Master of Magnetism?" Bring back Jennifer Lawrence for a performance that reminds audiences that yes, she will silence the critics of her portrayal as Mystique? If you answered yes to any of these four questions, I am afraid that I have some very bad news for you. Disappointingly, the titular villain just seems to lack anything remotely interesting outside of yelling like The Ultimate Warrior and turning on a "God Mode" cheat code whenever he feels like it, and his horsemen are equally as poorly-handled by Apocalypse's four writers than the two who finalized The Last Stand's awful script. Your average viewer doesn't have to be an avid comic book fan to know when something feels mishandled in an adaptation, or flat-out wrong (Batman using guns/murdering people in Batman v. Superman is a prime example). We have to wonder if director Bryan Singer and writer Simon Kinberg are exhausted from handling these type of movies at this point in their careers, and seeing as how the latter's more recent efforts have included working on the likes of Chappie and Fantastic Four, I believe that a lengthy break from large, studio flicks has most certainly been earned. Though my optimism for Logan is still there (especially with the news that it will be rated 'R'), my hopes for Wolverine's team of comrades and allies can only be restored if they can make their way into the hands of Marvel Studios.
45) Tyler Perry's Boo! A Madea Halloween
With the placement of Boo! A Madea Halloween at number forty-five on my countdown, it is officially higher than a comic book movie that I was legitimately excited to see. Yeesh, I really did have a strange 2016. Anyway, if you haven't read my full review for this....thing.....when I caught it in theaters during opening weekend, you should click right here and check out my unedited, fresh perspective on my first experience with a project by the divisive and eccentric man who became so big, that even South Park had to recognize his absurd, strange popularity. Perhaps the biggest reward for sitting through this morbidly captivating, though oddly watchable turd was that it resulted in the movie's Instagram account liking and commenting on my link to said review. Those in turn led to a follow on the same website, and even some reposting on social networks such as Twitter. To this day, I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. As James Earl Jones' Maggie Simpson once said:
44) The Brooklyn Banker
Wait, hold on a second here. *checks notes*
Did I even see this one? Admittedly, my memory is a bit fuzzy, but I seem to recall the plot having something to do with a banker whose ability to memorize numbers getting strong-armed into....something to do with the mafia and forging checks? And his father-in-law may work for them as well? Oy vey, this will likely go down as one of the more unimpressive paragraphs that I type about during this countdown. While sporting some halfway-decent performances (Goodfellas' Paul Sorvino pulls one out despite appearing as if he would rather be napping than acting these days), the film crawls at a snail's pace so frequently that you can easily find yourself losing interest at an alarmingly quick rate. In an attempt to create a love letter to directing giants such as Martin Scorsese, the filmmakers end up churning out what feels akin to a low-budget fan film that somehow managed to wrangle up some familiar faces. My unkind words aside, there is some promise buried underneath all of the plainness, so I do wish the filmmakers the best of luck in the near future.
43) Holidays
As previously mentioned with my Madea review, you can read my unedited, and brutally honest thoughts on this horror anthology right here. If you choose to be so kind and do such a thing, then you will completely understand as to why this is placed so low. If you don't, then I will sum it up as quickly as I possibly can: there are about two or three fun (though not necessarily great) segments that would have been better served as shorts in another motion picture collection, and the rest range from "good concept, iffy execution" to "kill it with fire and toss it into the trash where it belongs." In fact, make sure that Kevin Smith's Halloween segment is the first to go, just so that the chance of people discovering it becomes progressively more difficult for the average shopper.
42) Hail, Caesar!
Okay......okay......I can justify this......*deep breath*
Despite some excellent acting from nearly the entire cast (a staple of the directors' productions since their earliest efforts), and a very entertaining sequence revolving around pronunciation/accents between Ralph Fiennes and Alden Ehrenreich, Hail, Caesar! feels like the well-respected duo of Joel and Ethan Coen (The Big Lebowski, Fargo, No Country for Old Men) are communicating with their audiences that they may not really care about what they think of them at this point in their careers. This would explain why this unabashed love letter to the golden age of cinema comes across as more of a passion project that pleases themselves rather than your average moviegoer. True, it does seem like they're set on focusing on churning out multiple projects these days that don't exactly have the most complex or powerful of plots (even as a self-professed lover of Burn After Reading, I will admit that it isn't exactly a masterpiece), but when the main plot involving the disappearance of George Clooney's naïve and handsome Baird Whitlock turns into only one of many that begin to overtake the picture, you get this sinking feeling that none of this shall really matter in the end. Without giving too much away, Hail, Caesar! just feels kind of complacent and pointless once the dust has settled and everything has come to a close. Even if all of the aforementioned opinions and thoughts previously listed don't settle well with you, then I can just add that I personally didn't find it to be very funny, and it feels awfully sluggish when the action shifts from Josh Brolin's adventures back to Clooney & his kidnappers. Perhaps with repeated viewings over the years, as well as an ability to better appreciate the craft of 1950s cinema, I may grow to appreciate this one a little bit more. Such a thing was necessary with Inside Llewyn Davis, which I have grown to admire a moderate amount since time has passed, but for now, it isn't budging from this position.
To its credit though, the flick is infinitely better than The Ladykillers. So, that's another compliment.
41) The Girl on the Train
It does boggle my mind a bit that Paula Hawkins' debut novel of the same name is still selling an absurd amount of copies in bookstores across the country. Then again, it does make for an easy, engrossing, and fairly acceptable read for those seeking out a cheap thriller to help pass the time during a long flight or vacation. Director Tate Taylor's (The Help) theatrical adaptation, however, is so utterly droll that it borders on soap opera territory on more than a few occasions. Emily Blunt is in very fine form as a divorced alcoholic who finds herself involved in the disappearance of a young woman that she used to watch from a distance while travelling back and forth on a train. She is one hundred percent dedicated to this role, and deserves every single one of the accolades being thrown her way. It's just too bad that the movie is so darn second-rate, with nearly any semblance of humanity or rational thoughts in these characters becoming nonexistent as the plot begins to unravel. There are a few scattered moments throughout The Girl on the Train that border on camp, and the ending twist(s) are easy to spot from a mile away even if you aren't familiar with its previously-printed source material. What could have ended up being something akin to Matthew Vaughn's Stardust or Gregory Hoblit's Primal Fear (improvements over their respective books) ends up feeling more like a grossly melodramatic, disorganized companion piece to other disappointments such as It or Queen of the Damned.
40) The Funhouse Massacre
Oh yes, I did just place a low-budget horror-comedy above a Coen Brothers production. WHATEVER, I DO WHAT I WANT. Still, what makes this little ditty work is that it knows its audience, and there isn't a single bit of pretense about it. For what passes as a plot is admittedly generic (mass murderers are freed from prison, take over a funhouse around Halloween, and begin to kill dumbfounded young adults who venture inside), but in pieces like Andy Palmer's The Funhouse Massacre, entertainment value is what matters the most. The dark humor is well-placed, and the cast of characters, which includes terror icons such as Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street), Clint Howard (Carnosaur, The Ice Cream Man, Ticks), and Courtney Gains (Children of the Corn) are very gleeful and charming to watch. Yes, they will never exactly set the world on fire, but I personally found them to be far more memorable than the cluster that appeared in another particular entry from 2016. Had something such as this been released during the golden age of the 1980s, I feel as though it would have garnered more attention and a larger following. Still, if you can track a copy down from Amazon or Scream! Factory's website (all too fitting that they distributed this), it makes for a pretty enjoyable, gory romp.
39) Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
Was a sequel to 2014's surprisingly funny comedy (cue review plug) about a war between a married couple and their obnoxious, somewhat-overbearing nearby fraternal residents absolutely necessary? The previous film wrapped in a way that did leave the door open for another vulgar romp featuring these characters, though not through the same means and methods as before. Still, here we were, with Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising having made its way to theaters rather quickly. Most of the cast does seem to be having a very fun time, and I welcome any chance to see Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick-Ass, The Equalizer) expand her filmography with new, different projects. Alongside her new cohorts (Kiersey Clemons and Beanie Feldstein) and returning costar Zac Efron, they manage to keep the movie afloat whenever its average script attempts to drag it down. Most of Neighbors 2's best bits come from the small interactions that slip through the cracks of what they perceive will be the bigger, more memorable moments (aka, the "trailer" shots). Unfortunately, the follow-up does conclude with a predictable final act that feels a bit flat, but thankfully, Nicholas Stoller's newest effort does manage to produce just enough hearty laughs to warrant a recommendation.
38) Keanu
Have there been any arguments as to whether the comedic duo of Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele (who co-writes here) are the closest thing to Dave Chappelle that Comedy Central has produced ever since the latter's sketch comedy show wrapped? With their debut motion picture (AS A DUO), they certain have staked their claim, yet have managed to separate themselves from the comparison rather easily. Keanu follows a man who has recently been dumped, and adopts a kitten that happens to show up on his doorstep out of the blue. As with any good-hearted human being, the little fella cheers him up. One evening, he arrives back to his house only to find that the animal, nicknamed "Keanu," has been stolen. Determined to track him down, he bands together with his best friend and they set out on an adventure that is, to put it lightly, more dangerous than either of them could have ever imagined. Keanu's plot is absurd; it's the type that you think would work better as a television skit rather than a film that costs fifteen million dollars to make. In some aspects, that thought is proven to be true, because not every joke that they fire off hits its target, and it becomes a little too reliant upon the running gag that all African Americans act like thugs or brigands. The titular kidnapped feline doesn't receive nearly enough screen time (but gosh is it cute), but this is more about the human interaction anyway. The scenes involving Key's character of Clarence introducing a group of gangbangers to the musical catalogue of George Michael serves as a surprisingly great tribute to the recently-deceased pop star, and a moment involving the surprise appearance of a certain veteran from the Scary Movie franchise brings out the best of everyone involved with this project. It's a movie that is far from perfect, but I'll be darned if it isn't pretty damn funny.
Also, the ending credits, which consists of a large number of Keanu-centric stills wherein the cat is dressed up to mimic famous movie scenes, is far too adorable. How that has yet to make it to calendar form, I have no idea.
37) Lights Out
For a first time (major) directorial debut, David F. Sandberg's Lights Out serves as one of the better surprises that I saw in a cinema during 2016. Of course, it being in the bottom half of my sixty choices does mean that I sat through other horror movies that I personally found to be more engaging or suspenseful, but I will get to those in future posts. Speaking of that, I feel beyond tired when it comes to the argument that "PG-13 horror films can't be scary," and I would point to this hidden gem about an unknown entity that torments a young boy and his family in the dark (which you can read my full review for here) as an example of why you shouldn't be so easy to just ignorantly throw that statement around. Does it have flaws? Absolutely. The acting is quite hit-or-miss, though Maria Bello (A History of Violence, Payback) shines above everyone else. The dependence on jump scares wears thin over time, but its unsettling nature, which evokes other recent efforts such as The Babadook and Insidious (whose own director James Wan produces here) does breathe some life into this short-running flick. Turn off the lights (hardy har har) and immerse yourself in its strange world.
Well, that shall do it for part two. Stay tuned for part three, which may or may not include the most controversial movie of the summer, an incredibly quirky comedy-drama starring the man once known as "Bullseye," and a terrifying documentary that should have received wider release......
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