Despite the unmistakable sense of dread that a large chunk of the population is feeling right now, you still have to take the good with the (very) bad, and luckily enough, we had a plethora of solid releases in the realm of cinema to nearly make up for anything that was utter rubbish during the time where we elected that guy who took one of the top 3 worst stone cold stunners as president. Of course, there has historically never been an absolutely perfect year for movies, so yours truly had to sit through quite a few bad ones so that you wouldn't have to. Unlike most "end of the year" lists that you will no doubt be seeing around the internet and in your local bookstore (yes, those are still a thing), I have elected to rank every single one of the special pieces, as it can also give me an excuse to talk about pictures that I never got around to properly reviewing (unless you follow me on Instagram). Today shall be the first twelve, which I suppose you can consider to be my equivalent to what are usually categorized as a "worst of the year" compilation.
So without further adieu, let us move into the first part of what I have dubbed "End of the Line." As we kick off, we pay a visit to someone who has long been a staple of the comic book industry...
60) Yoga Hosers
Ha! You thought it was going to be something based off of a DC Comics property, didn't you? Anyway, I feel as though I ran myself ragged during my written review for Kevin Smith's latest foray outside of his "View Askewniverse," and it almost feels unnecessary to compose any further pieces about the rather poor Yoga Hosers. The tale of two teenage clerks (Smith even has one of them utter the infamous "I'm not even supposed to be here today" line from his debut picture) who get sucked into a plot involving the appearance of Nazi sausages is most assuredly not for his target audience, but it fails to generate any real laughs regardless of whatever demographic it is aiming for. It feels like a movie made solely for his closest friends and family (nepotism is certainly on display here with the casting of daughter Harley Quinn Smith & her bestie Lily-Rose Depp), and is further proof that not every idea that you come up while high on marijuana should make it to screen. Plus, when you manage to pull Johnny Depp into your picture, bury him underneath some horrible prosthetics, and proceed to make him act like a bad impression of a Mad TV character, then you may be in trouble. Hell, even if the first two acts ended up being watchable or halfway decent, the third one is bad enough to keep it grounded at this number in the countdown.
59) Meet the Blacks
Good Lemmy was this embarrassing. If this one doesn't ring a bell to you, fret not: should you ever watch it, it might be forgotten about within less than two days. In a year where we had triumphant pictures in the realm of African American cinema (which will be discussed within a couple of days or so), this sorry excuse for a film that means to serve as a hybrid parody/sequel to the ever-popular The Purge franchise is just pathetic, offensive, and all-around lazy. The writing feels like something that middle school students would come up with upon their first attempt at screenwriting, but with no prior knowledge or understanding of what makes comedies work. The "jokes" are fired out at such an alarmingly quick rate, that you're never left with any time to breathe or even recall those that almost made you chuckle. Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of this mess is the presence of well-respected comedians such as George Lopez (portraying president "El Bama." Hur hur hur) and Paul Mooney. Unless they have drastically changed their opinions over the years, those two were always quite vocal with expressing their disgust with the stereotyping over their own races. Of course, they could have owed the crew and its director a favor, but if that's the case, how big of one was it? Please, stop filming and supporting this type of dreck. And while I have the time to address him, I'd like to kindly ask that Mike Epps stay FAR away from that Richard Pryor biopic if he has any respect for that legend's legacy.
58) Norm of the North
In a year that was filled with stunning pieces of animation that carried important messages for younger viewers and often took chances by including darker themes, 2016 was kicked off by the Lionsgate-distributed, Rob Schneider-led Norm of the North, which was (and I'm putting this lightly) hauntingly crappy. One can only imagine how studio executives must have crafted and conceived this tale about a talking polar bear who tries to save his home. In order to do that, he figures that the best way to accomplish such a thing would be to show every single person in the big cities that he can twerk (which in turn, amazes people to the point where they act as if Jesus Christ himself has returned). While the astonishing shittiness of Norm of the North can be fascinatingly bad to watch at times, it was also one of the few flicks this year to truly frustrate me: its plot becomes rather convoluted (queue the studio heads saying "eh, kids are stupid. Who cares? Let's just do more homophobic and big butt jokes!"), the writing feels dated and cheap, and it blatantly attempts to ape more well-known animated pieces (if you don't agree that the lemmings are a direct ripoff of Despicable Me's Minions, you may not own a television set. Or ever venture outside). Despite a budget of approximately eighteen million dollars, Norm's graphics appear to be ripped right out of a PlayStation 2 title. Unlike those video games, however, I sense that any subsequent follow-ups, which were greenlit before this abomination even made it to theaters, will degenerate and look progressively worse; making this out to appear like Toy Story in comparison.
57) Zoolander 2
In terms of wanting to please its audience, it was hard to think of a more desperate picture that was released to cinemas that WASN'T Zoolander 2. Let it be known: I really enjoy this project's predecessor, and have the ability to quote a good number of lines from it should you ever put me on the spot. If you asked me whether it should have received any sort of follow-up, wherein it would revolve around the seemingly random murdering of pop culture icons and models, I would most likely respond with a half-hearted shrug, and ask that it be done as soon as humanly possible (i.e. not fifteen years later). Much to my sadness, time was not on this motion picture's side, and the only result of Zoolander 2's release and aftermath is that it manages to actually hurt the original piece's legacy as a result of this entry being so lackluster. Yes, there are a very, VERY small amount of laughs to be found when you aren't being suffocated with obnoxiously forced celebrity cameos (including Neil deGrasse Tyson of all people), but most of them come from throwbacks to the original film. Of course, that begs the question of why wouldn't you just save your money and watch that instead? Especially since, save for Ben Stiller himself, there just seems to be so much disappointment on the faces of everyone involved with Zoolander 2. Truthfully, I do feel remorse for even putting this so low, as Stiller himself treated this as if it were a passion project. And yet, if that was the case, why not go with concepts that you AREN'T as passionate about next time? I'd rather you take a chance on something different than churn out an unnecessary, unfunny sequel.
Which reminds me.......
56) Independence Day: Resurgence
Ahhhh, that was the easiest segue in the world.
First off, director Roland Emmerich's newest big budget catastrophe (whose own title is a fairly accurate description of whatever resembles a plot) loses points with me solely based on the fact that it led to fan favorite companies Funimation and Toho Pictures being forced to rename a specific Japanese release for Western audiences. Why you might be asking? Because they were afraid that people would confuse the two pictures with one another. As stupid as they may sound, trust me when I say that people can constantly surprise you when it comes to being easily confused by similar-sounding media (yours truly has spent twelve years in the world of retail after all). Luckily, I am here to help those in need who are searching for an easy, quick way to help differentiate the two flicks: Godzilla Resurgence, the thirty-first entry in a franchise that has been (unfairly) dismissed and stereotyped as "dumb," actually has some real strong commentary about the state of Japanese politics hidden beneath the expensive destruction in his newest rampage. It's gorgeous to look at it, features some top-notch acting, a large amount of smart dialogue, and is just a real pleasant surprise. Independence Day: Resurgence, on the other hand, sports an often-confusing narrative, ridiculous twists that even those with the ability to suspend disbelief will find stunningly stupid, racial caricatures that would make even Michael Bay cringe (something which carried over from its 1996 forefather), and most surprisingly, a shocking lack of fun. It also reflects the evolution of the "summer blockbuster," as some of these effects and ideas feel like they were lifted from an assortment of superior pictures over the last two decades. Was actor Will Smith's decision to opt out of this and instead stick with the equally-maligned Suicide Squad a wise one? Hell, given that nearly every other veteran from the prior film has a look in their eyes that echoes the most sorrowful of moods, I would venture to say...I guess so?
55) God's Not Dead 2
Jeez, even I didn't expect there to be so many sequels filling out the bottom twelve so far. I suppose that such a thing reflects on just how poorly and/or hastily made some of these were though, right? Unsurprisingly, the follow-up to one of my most despised propaganda pieces in recent memory can't quite come in towards the very bottom because at this point on, I feel slightly sorry for many people involved with it. You start with one of my first childhood crushes in Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa Explains it All, Sabrina The Teenage Witch) turning in a blatantly overdramatic performance as a teacher who goes on trial for bringing up Jesus in a classroom discussion about Martin Luther King Jr. Suddenly, she finds herself in a heap of trouble and on trial, with the evil ACLU threatening to strip away her teaching license forever and prove that once and for all, GOD IS DEAD. *cue evil laughter*
Okay, so only a small percentage of the above sentence is actually uttered in the film, though I will leave it to you readers to figure out which part it is. Still, the fact remains that these filmmakers believe that making the American Civil Liberties Union (led by Twin Peaks veteran Ray Wise), who have gone to bat for free speech of even the worst variety, look like evil antichristian devils out to ruin every single believers' lives, is just laughable.
God's Not Dead 2 has this idea that all of its fanbase are just dying to hear straw man arguments for ninety minutes interspersed with awkward subplots involving pastors who look like MacGyver and a portrayal of a Chinese father and his son that is so bad, it appears as though the writers were hoping for it to draw us one step closer to a nuclear war. Instead of potentially improving upon your initial product, it's just a boring, stupefying, irritating, and preachy mess.
And if my religious comrades still aren't convinced to stay away, I must warn you: Mike Huckabee has a cameo in it......
.......Ugh, even Zoolander 2 knew where to draw the line.......
54) 31
In a way, writer/director Rob Zombie's latest foray into the horror realm, the very "Running Man"-inspired 31, shares a lot in common with Kevin Smith's aforementioned Yoga Hosers. Both have come out after a brief three-year-long break and they are from filmmakers whose previous body of work, while not always consistent, was usually discussed positively among their peers and legion of devotees. Released to theaters for essentially one whole day, it wasn't entirely shocking that 31 wasn't picked up for wider distribution, as the film does sport a good amount of uncomfortable moments and occasional brutal violence. Then again, the man responsible for films such as The Devil's Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses has never exactly been a favorite of the MPAA, so it seemed like an honest-to-god miracle that this made its way into any Cineplex whatsoever. The story of 31 revolves around a small group of carnival workers who get sucked into playing a game of survival against a group of psychotic clowns, who are unleashed upon them by wannabe powdered aristocrats (led by A Clockwork Orange's Malcolm McDowell). The story, while fairly simplistic and rudimentary, sounds like it could make for an entertaining experience, but much like Zombie's previous flick, it is far more concerned with style and "being cool" than being scary or even unsettling. Given that this was conceptualized and written within a rather short amount of time, I'm not even sure that the former White Zombie frontman himself seemed to know what 31 should end up being. Some truly bizarre and scattered dialogue (a staple at this point in his filmography) ends up coming across as ludicrously childish and annoying, and although Batman Begins star Richard Brake manages to make the best of what he has been forced to memorize (his presence, though underutilized, is enough to keep it out of the bottom five), the entire product as a whole just feels forgettable and worse yet, often lazy. At least Malcolm McDowell can now say that Mr. Magoo isn't the worst thing he's ever taken part in.
53) Gods of Egypt
Hey look, it's a dead horse! Who wants to take turns beating it some more?!
Honestly, what can I say about this expensive dumpster fire that hasn't already been uttered by every single newspaper, magazine, or website across the country? This pastiche of God of War, The Mummy, and a bad Saturday morning cartoon will almost certainly be up for every award at the yearly Razzie Awards, and given how idiotic, ugly (Big Bad Beetleborgs features better costume designs), cheap (Terminator 2: Judgement Day has superior CGI), dull (overacting that makes Gerard Butler's villain seem grounded), and whitewashed (if you can count more than two or three Egyptian and/or Middle Eastern actors, I will buy you a coke) it is, I wouldn't be completely opposed to it sweeping every category. The most depressing aspect of Gods of Egypt comes from knowing that it has the name of Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) attached to it. During its initial theatrical run, the director lashed out rather harshly at critics for disliking his newest project, and likened them to vultures. Well, unless my memory is hazy, those birds feast on dying creatures and rotting carcasses. Therefore, even you must be admitting that your movie is a stinker Alex.
52) Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
You know, almost a full year has passed, and I feel as though this much-hyped crossover clash took far too much of a thrashing to warrant it actually topping a multitude of "Worst of the Year" lists. Yes, it is a dumb, confusing, lengthy (the director's cut that appears on its Blu-Ray release runs for over three hours), unexciting, poorly edited, poorly acted (I'm still staring at you with disgust Jesse Eisenberg), and just all-around messy production, but....I've seen far worse. In fact, I was sincerely debating rotating this and my next two entries on this countdown around with each other, as they all essentially feel like the same inadequate misfire. If you haven't already read my initial thoughts after I saw it in theaters, click here for the rundown. I'm honestly too tired to go through arguing about this one again.
51) Suicide Squad
Speaking of tiresome, what exhausted me about discussing Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice was doubled in the frustratingly clunky big-screen adaptation of one of DC Comics' most notorious antihero collectives. Yes, Will Smith as noted assassin Deadshot is arguably the highlight of the picture, and Jay Hernandez's El Diablo comes close to resembling an interesting character (until he suddenly turns into a leftover sketch from Thor: The Dark World towards the end of their confrontation with the hilariously terrible Enchantress), but I just felt so bad for this flick's entire existence. Writer/director David Ayer was given approximately six weeks to write a script AFTER a release date was scheduled, they were forced to go back and shoot additional sequences because test audiences/executives thought that the film wasn't fun enough (note: it didn't work out), and the entire experience is noticeably edited like they were in a hurry to get it out while the buzz around "superhero" films was still hot. Even Jared Leto's portrayal as The Joker is the least of this production's worries, as he is barely in the thing. Anyway, I already tired myself out breaking down how and why I didn't enjoy this particular experience, so go check out my full, unedited thoughts if it interests you in the slightest.
50) Batman: The Killing Joke
As with the two entries above, here is my full-length review for the animated adaptation of Alan Moore's celebrated, yet controversial Batman story that deals with not just the complex relation between the caped crusader and his most well-known adversary, but also as a potential origin story for one of the oldest comic book creations of all time. If you don't feel like clicking that link, I shall attempt to sum it up in two sentences. Despite some fairly good animation and solid voice performances, the first act of the picture (which consists of original content that does NOT come from its source material) is so ghastly and wretched that it actually manages to twist the Killing Joke storyline into something entirely different, and not in a good way. If you were one of the few who felt that Moore's writing and use of Barbara Gordon was offensive in the 1988 graphic novel, then you haven't seen anything yet. Perhaps this should have been done as a short film instead, or remained untouched altogether.
49) Nine Lives
In terms of technical aspects, the Barry Sonenfeld-directed Nine Lives is worse than every other motion picture that I have mentioned so far (yes, even Yoga Hosers). After all, it is essentially a really bad take on The Shaggy Dog, but with Kevin Spacey in place of Fred MacMurray and Tim Allen, and it being a feline rather than a canine. But dear Lemmy is it gloriously shitty. The CGI cat , whose own sound effects are provided by a grown man who was being paid to screech and howl like you would around an excitable toddler, looks like it was lifted out of a mid-1990s straight-to-VHS release, and nobody bothered to actually spend any money by hiring animators who knew even the slightest bit about how to make something look halfway believable. SpaceyCat (someone trademark that damn it!) does its business inside of Cheryl Hines' purse, in what we can assume is punishment for divorcing Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm. It also falls out of a window at one point, but somehow finds its way into a limo for hijinks. SpaceyCat breaks into an alcohol cabinet and drinks an entire bottle of whiskey out of a water bowl. Come to think of it, a plethora of the cast also drinks throughout the film's running time, and it wouldn't have surprised me to find out that most of them were severely inebriated when the cameras were on. If you have access to certain likeminded individuals or, well, "film enhancers," Nine Lives can make for one hell of an entertaining time. If you don't, the possibility of enjoyment is still there, but c'mon, you might as well live a little if you're going to sit through a picture starring Kevin Spacey trapped inside the body of a pet cat that Christopher Walken dubs "Mr. Fuzzypants."
And with that, the true turds have been dealt with. Come back very soon for the next twelve, which may or may not include a ninety-minute advertisement for an outdated video game, a disappointing step back for a franchise that seemed as though it was getting back on track to being respectable, and a love letter to mafia flicks that somehow managed to wrangle Paul Sorvino into its cast....
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