Unseen Terror 2015: Day 3

Young, curious, and obsessed with horror movies, middle school student Sean heads a club that he has dubbed "The Monster Squad," wherein he and likeminded friends come together in a treehouse to gush over and talk about their love for the more macabre side of cinema. When Sean's mother gives him an old book one day as a gift, he is initially ecstatic, but discovers that the work is written in German. Once it has been translated by a mysterious neighbor, the crew discover that the book harbors tales of a fight between the forces of good and evil that has spanned centuries. Even stranger, it seems that during this year, evil may be resurfacing in the form of very eerie, familiar faces.



Several years ago, I was lucky enough to watch The Gate for the very first time (here's where I insert my review for it). It made me realize that perhaps my childhood, though admittedly filled with some fantastic little ditties that I still love to this day, could have been even better had I been exposed to certain horror films. No, I'm not talking about the classic Universal Pictures from the 1930s and 1940s (that's a given for pretty much anybody with the capability of breathing), but more along the lines of horror films that are made by those who want to clearly expose younger audiences to the same loves that they grew up with, while still making sure that it wouldn't be too "extreme" for them to be terrified of or for their parents to become enraged when they find them watching it by themselves without supervision. If I can be so crude as to use food comparisons, if The Gate was a trip to Outback Steakhouse, The Monster Squad is a full-fledged, paid vacation to Australia itself. Minus the possibility of being attacked by venomous creatures of course.


Noted director and fan favorite Fred Dekker has already made an appearance on Unseen Terror with the quite fun House (insert yet ANOTHER review), and his work on the very underrated Night Of The Creeps deserves more and more praise every time that I've mentioned it here on this site. In what can only be ascribed to sheer luck and magic, he's paired with writer and occasional director Shane Black, whose credits include Predator, Lethal Weapon, and Iron Man 3 among many others. The two have a remarkably good understanding of one another's style, mixing in just the right amount of humor without it coming across as obnoxious, while not forsaking on making Squad's characters relatable or even slightly realistic (we all knew at least one person in this film at some point in our lives). The duo's final effort definitely has an appeal to a younger audience, but there is a lot that wouldn't fly by today's standards of what we normally call a "kid's movie." There's people combustion/gore, the occasional curse word that rhymes with "mitt," and a few other nitpicks that most likely won't bother anyone such as yourselves, but it still might warrant a mild warning for those of you with very young children.


Thankfully, every single person should find a lot to enjoy about the antagonists of the The Monster Squad. Though the quality of the creatures' costumes are, to put it nicely, fairly mediocre (minus the Gillman, portrayed by Amalgamated Dynamics head Tom Woodruff Jr.), that adds to its overall charm, showing the obvious love of nostalgia from Dekker, Black, and their crew. Ugh, that ending rap song is another story though, as it is dreadfully dated and could make the Fresh Prince or The Fat Boys seem ruthless during a rap battle. Tom Noonan (Manhunter, The House Of The Devil) plays a pretty god damn good Frankenstein's monster, even if it is meant more for comedic or sappy moments than for horrific ones (it certainly beats the awful ones in recent years from garbage like Van Helsing or I, Frankenstein). Duncan Regehr's Count Dracula is fun enough to make you forget that he was in a movie like Blood Surf (which I will NOT insert a review link for).


Damn damn damn. If I had been writing this before I reached my teens, I....probably wouldn't be doing this actually. I'd probably have been playing Final Fantasy VII or wondering why Funcoland were so notoriously cheap when it came to trade-ins. Still, now that I'm almost thirty, I AM writing about my first exposure to The Monster Squad. and I am so happy that I finally watched it. Considering that this month will also see the release of a motion picture based on author R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series of books, I see this as a wonderful precursor to that flick and a great way for your kids to get into something with a bit more of an edge, but without treating them idiots. If you're so inclined, The Monster Squad is currently available to watch on Netflix Instant Streaming, and is readily available for purchase on DVD and Blu-Ray from various assorted retailers.



Tomorrow, I have to remember that in 1988, not only was Treat Williams a thing, but so was Joe Piscopo. And that they interacted with zombies. Oh my goodness...

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 2.5

No, that headliner is not a grammatical or numerical mistake. During this year's blog-o-thon, my free time and schedule in which I work around to watch these films that I've selected is going to be very erratic. Therefore, my sleeping schedule will sometimes affect my ability to actually post full reviews for every single picture that I finish. So, before I post my final draft for something such as, say, The Monster Squad (shit, there goes my spoiler for tonight's entry), I'll be publishing the occasional quick summary of my thoughts for something that I may have either forgotten to talk about or was just too lethargic to muster up a review for before bedtime.


Anyways, enough of all that. Here's (to once again quote a favorite podcast of mine) a Brucie Bonus flick for you folks!

For eight days, the earth passes through the tail of a comet. During this time, assorted inanimate objects begin to come to life, harming and maiming anyone foolish enough to get close to them. Drawbridges raise during traffic, steamrollers run over children after a little league game, and various monster trucks spring to life without a driver behind the wheel. Chaos ensues, and a small band of southerners find themselves trapped in a truck stop at the mercy of a gaggle of tractor trailers and large vehicles, unsure of how to escape from this nightmare.



When you think of motion pictures filmed or set in the Wilmington and Cape Fear areas of North Carolina, what's the first thing that comes to mind?

Nope, sorry.

Nice try, but you're clearly incorrect.

...............why would you even?.........



Anyways, the answer is obviously 1986's Maximum Overdrive, a film that for fellow Wilmingtonians, is either something that they've viewed far too many times in their youth, or even better, have starred in. It is infamous for following an absurdly stupid concept from an author who, despite many great works of the past, has been known to dabble in the realm of idiocy from time to time. The man in question is horror legend Stephen King, who not only wrote the script for this one, but also sat down in the director's chair in what turned out to be his one and only time before most likely realizing that this was not for him.


When I'm concocting my reviews for Unseen Terror, I tend to write crude notes and collect random facts during the project's running time, in the hopes that it will help me to the best of my ability. When I wasn't being blown away for the sheer awfulness of Maximum Overdrive, I was penning the following:


-Stephen King was apparently coked out of his mind during the entire filming experience (this is made all the more apparent when you consider how frequently plot holes pop up for its entire ninety seven minute running time).
-He cameos as a disgruntled man at an ATM, wherein said device calls him an "asshole" repeatedly. Probably not too far from the truth if you were one of the unfortunate souls working on the production.
-There's Lisa Simpson's voice actor! Oh god, in comparison to being the genius of that family, she's making the cartoon character seem so much more likable and less whiney.


Mind you, I didn't even need to make a note on how drastically different the acting is from every single performer cast by Mary Colquhoun. Thankfully, Emilio Estevez (The Breakfast Club, The Mighty Ducks) has done worse than this (I think), but he's the least of this flick's problems. Everyone else is either overacting or underperforming, with no middle ground whatsoever. It may seem unfair to place the blame on King himself for this, but this was HIS project, wherein he maintained complete control over the piece and had to be the one to make the decision to have Ellen McElduff repeatedly scream "WE MADE YOU!" at tractor trailers.


If Stephen King had set out to make an entertaining, schlocky B-movie extravaganza with classic hard rock/metal band AC/DC serving as its entire soundtrack (yes, I am 100% serious), then he succeeded. If he made this in earnest, with his intentions being to terrify audiences and moviegoers, then he failed on a level that makes you wonder what kind of miracle occurred that didn't result in his career being completely ruined. Still, if you know the right people and have the right amount of booze nearby, Maximum Overdrive can provide you with a good amount of unintended laughs and cheap kills to satiate you for at least a short amount of time.


And if you also know the right people, you can ask about all of the assorted accidents that occurred on set, one of which was prevented from being fatal by the father of my band's bassist.


Don't believe me? Well, go search for @Dresdenbombing on twitter and challenge his claim. You will lose.


Come back later today for....well, The Monster Squad. No use beating around the bush or trying to hide it....

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 2

Scientist Dr. Edward Pretorious and his assistant Dr. Crawford Tillinghast have completed work on a device nicknamed "The Resonator," a machine that triggers accelerated growth in the pineal gland of the brain. Though it allows the party to perceive things that the average human would never normally see, it also brings about nightmarish visions of demonic creatures, some of which attack and murder Edward. Having been sent to a mental asylum for the accusations of murdering his mentor, Crawford is soon released into custody of Dr. Katherine McMichaels, who believes his bizarre story about the events after a CAT scan shows that his pineal gland is indeed growing, and who wants to witness the effects of such a contraption. Accompanied by the detective who investigated Edward's own demise, the trio return to the home of The Resonator, but what they will discover is a familiar, if not nightmarishly warped reality that no one could have ever imagined existed in any plane.



Going into my viewing of Stuart Gordon's From Beyond (based on the H.P. Lovecraft story of the same name), my knowledge of the film was a bare minimum. It was relegated to one trailer on Youtube, numerous writeups and video reviews from respected horror publications and fanatics, and a quick read of the source material quite some months ago. Still, I've been accused of having the memory of a goldfish when it comes to most important things, so even those tidbits were disappearing from my mind. Honestly though, I have discovered that the best means of watching this somewhat obscure cult favorite from 1986 is to go in with as little information as possible.


For starters, I had no idea that the aforementioned Stuart Gordon, he of the legendary Re-Animator fame, was sitting in the director's chair for this production. He's also paired with writer/producer Brian Yuzna, who seemed attached to the hip of Gordon for a good portion of his earlier career before getting to mess with future films such as Honey, I Shrunk The Kids and...um, The Dentist. Then again, once I saw that Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton were our two main leads (both also of Re-Animator fame) it should have been obvious from the start. As bizarre as it may sound, it shocks me that these two never married in real life, especially when you see how natural their chemistry with one another feels every time that they've appeared on screen together. I've professed my love for Mr. Combs and his skills before, so there isn't much else to talk about there, but I've never been completely sold on Ms. Crampton until finally being able to catch her in additional projects in her filmography such as From Beyond and the recently released You're Next. She can convincingly pull off the "smart and sexy" character without having any single person cast doubt towards her way, a combination that is nigh impossible in ANY genre. She's also got one hell of a great scream, which I'm sure she's told on an almost weekly basis by fans of the genre. Ken Foree (Dawn Of The Dead, The Devil's Rejects) also makes an appearance as a third wheel of sort, adding a small handful of darker comedic moments that thankfully help keep the picture grounded. Some might argue that these aren't necessarily required from a Lovecraftian tale, but I believe this can help most viewers stay focused during its running time, especially since the plot is so peculiar and out of this world.


The production and crew work on From Beyond may its strongest, and yet most un-appreciated suit. There's great lighting and camera work that you could only get from niche films released during this decade, with dark pink, purple, and other rarely used colors permeating throughout its (surprisingly short) eighty minute running time, giving it a real dream-like, if not morbidly euphoric feel. Richard Band, brother to Charles Band of Full Moon Features (who serves as executive producer here), composes a beautifully creepy, dark, and often haunting score that only heightens the mood. His body of work also includes Ghoulies, Puppet Master, and previous Unseen Terror favorite TerrorVision, though from what I've seen, those appear to be some of his better works and compositions. The special effects work and skills from John Carl Buechler is something that will very likely stick with me until this year's marathon is over. When someone thinks of the "body horror" tag, which deals with the fear of decay and unusual change, the name that primarily comes to mind is master David Cronenberg (The Fly, The Brood, Videodrome), but Buechler's own ideas are horrific in design, disgustingly unconventional, and worthy of standing side by side with greater giants of the genre (all the more impressive when you take into account that From Beyond was made for approximately $4.5 million). I think it's a shame that talented individuals such as Chris Walas (The Fly) and himself aren't acknowledged for their work in the field as much as other fabulous artists such as Rob Bottin (The Thing) and yesterday's discussed juggernaut Tom Savini are. Then again, some of the green screen or non-speaking creatures, such as the bat-like monstrosity seen in its final act, don't age particularly well. Maybe that's an unfortunate contributing factor.


Mein got. Well, there is no way to beat around the bush or have a proper, professional summary when it comes to my overall thoughts on From Beyond: it is one spectacularly strange, slimy, and fairly grotesque motion picture. It also happens to be, above all else, pretty damn great, unique, and an adaptation that trumps its source material, flying out of the gate like a spirit released from a containment unit in Ghostbusters. For the time being, you can rent Gordon's finished product on Amazon Prime for only a small amount of money ($3.99 for a 48 hour rental of the HD version is remarkably cheap). If you're up to spending a few more dollars, or don't have access to streaming websites, track down the Blu-Ray/DVD combo that was released by home video darlings Scream Factory, as this relic of the latter half of the 1980s is now available in wider distribution that it most likely ever was or ever will be.




Tomorrow is the entry for 1987. To celebrate that, I'll be digging up a favorite of children of the latter half of that decade. Will I dig this "creature battalion" as much as they do? Time will only tell...

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 1

To quote one of my favorite podcasts, happy days are here again! My yearly collection of assorted viewings in the realm of horror cinema has returned, this time for its sixth year. If you aren't familiar with how I do this, I handpick at least thirty one different films that deal with horror in some way shape or form, and watch them across the span of thirty one days. I know, this isn't exactly the most unique concept when you peruse the internet (most notably Youtube), but this is just for my own amusement and potential torture. This year, however, I've added a very special twist: within a little more than a week, I shall be celebrating my thirtieth birthday. To commemorate this, I've specifically chosen films released between the years of 1985 and 2015, with at least one film released during that year to serve as said daily entries. We'll dive into the glorious pickings of the late 1980s, suffer through some rather difficult viewings of the late 90s, and scratch at our heads at some of the works of the mid 2000s.

Without any further stallings, let us commence the journey into my ramblings disguised as reviews.

The world has been ravaged and torn apart by a zombie apocalypse. Anyone who is not infected is an uncommon attraction among the millions of dead that plague the planet. Still, two groups of survivors have taken refuge underground, only to surface if supplies or food are becoming scarce. The first band of people is a troop of soldiers, lead by the brash, if not slightly ill Captain Henry Rhodes. The other is mostly comprised of scientists, who are a more optimistic pack of individuals, with one even going so far as to experiment on the deceased, believing they can be tamed through the right means. As tensions mount between the two, the undead evils above ground grow closer and closer...

Given that I absolutely love the original Night of the Living Dead and enjoy Dawn Of The Dead a good amount, you would have figured that I had seen George Romero's third entry into the zombie genre that he helped make into the juggernaut that it is today. Shockingly, I had not. Hell, I actually purchased a copy from Anchor Bay (THIS one with a velcro cover to be exact) nearly a decade ago with the intentions of watching and most likely adoring it. Again, that amusingly did not happen. Why you might ask? No reason. Well, perhaps laziness, but that can be my excuse for most things in my own personal life.


But after having finished Day Of The Dead, I really do need to remedy these problems disguised as mere procrastination. While I don't feel that the third entry in Romero's initial zombie trilogy is his strongest project, it does have a lot of impressive aspects to it. For starters, there is an immediate sense of dread and hopelessness that is set in stone from the very beginning. The barren cities (for what we see of them) give you the impression that something rather serious has occurred, making the world of modern day zombie tales such as The Walking Dead seem paltry in comparison. Accompanying it is a rather wonderful score by Mr. John Harrison, whose previous work on noted cult favorite Creepshow was also solid, if not a bit sillier at times. It almost makes up for the disappointment of realizing that Dawn composers Goblin and Dario Argento aren't back for the ride this time around. Almost.


Director George Romero has always seemed to have a knack for getting memorable performances, be they excellent or hilariously bad, out of his cast, even if the subject matter at hand was far from top notch material (Monkey Shines comes to mind). Joseph Pilato's Captain Rhodes is obviously the first person that will come to mind for previous viewers and even first time watchers such as myself. He's delightfully psychotic, but still somewhat sympathetic during select moments. The rest of his personnel came across as too cartoon-like for my taste, especially given the terrible situations that these people are in. Perhaps it was delusional behavior that was meant to hide how they really felt living in a society overrun by zombies, but maybe I'm looking into this too much. I couldn't help but be amused by Anthony Dileo Jr's character though, as he plays the supporting boyfriend to star Lori Cardille, but sounds like he's about to cry in every scene that he appears in. When the time comes for him to actually let out legitimate wails of anguish and pain, you just want to tell him to try harder since it seems like he used up all of his energy earlier in the film. Lead expert Dr. Matthew Logan, aka "Frankenstein," seems like he graduated from the Jeffrey Combs school of "matter of fact" acting, though that is far from a complaint given that the latter is one of the most underrated actors of the past three decades.


I suspect that what will keep people coming back to repeated viewings of Day Of The Dead will be its notorious scenes of violence, gore, and dissection. With each installment, the pure insanity and outrageousness has gone up exponentially, turning from Night's initial shock, to Dawn's slight disgust, and finally settling into Day's pure, unadulterated horror. Though I am certainly not going to spoil if anyone in particular or rather notable dies during its two hours running time, I can say that the final act is the movie equivalent of an early Cannibal Corpse or Dismember record. The legendary Tom Savini (Dawn Of The Dead, Friday The 13th) is at the top of his game here, being assisted by future juggernaut Greg Nicotero (The Walking Dead, Misery), and every single kill is just a sight to behold. It was no wonder that the former was given a Saturn Award in 1985 for his work on the set and makeup.

"Ey fam, check out my mixtape."

It's easy to just gush like a fanboy about this wonderful little gem, and honestly, I'm not sure that I've even said much that hasn't already been uttered by horror connoisseurs and experts across the continent. Day Of The Dead's influence is mighty, seen in underground follies like Fido (the idea of domesticating or controlling a zombie) and the Resident Evil series of flicks (there are far too many to count). I don't know if I can fully back George Romero's statement that he believes this is his best work, but it's a great specimen and example of the genre that is often overcrowded with lackluster or unimaginative efforts. If you're a fan of the people vs. people vs. zombies formula of a certain modern television show that draws higher ratings than most other programs, you may want to find a cheap copy to buy (and if you have the money, do a double screening with another little zombie classic from 1985 that I've reviewed before!).



Oh, you're broke you say? Well, it's also available on Netflix's instant streaming service. So there you go you cheapskate.




Tomorrow, we're diving into two entries for 1986. One choice will deal with the vehicular side of horror. The other takes us back into the realm of H.P. Lovecraft. What do they have in common?



....you're not paying attention if you ask that question....

The Green Inferno (2015) Movie Review

College freshman Jessica, the daughter of a lawyer with ties to the United Nations, joins a group of young, likeminded social activists, lead by the passionate and outspoken Alejandro. Soon, the gathering of campus students will partake in their next mission, wherein they hope to save the Amazon rainforest from logging and deforestation, with the plans involving to film their protests and upload it to social media and news sites around the globe. Upon arriving, they initially succeed, though not without unexpected scares, which put a select few in danger at the risk of achieving internet fame. However, when things go horrifically awry on a return flight back to the United States, the radicals find themselves at the mercy of one of the Amazon's native tribes.

This may be the most obvious statement of the year, and hell, maybe even out of anything that I've ever typed for this little blog, but the subgenre of horror cinema known as "cannibal films" is certainly not for everyone. More often than not, they aim to disturb rather than entertain, telling you that the greatest fears and terrors that we can encounter in what years we have left on this planet will come from the living rather than the deceased or the supernatural. They're gruesome, vile reminders of some of the darker sides of humanity, and can occasionally make you question whether the ones committing these murders are truly awful and rotten to the core, or if we are the ones instigating and bringing about these actions from a group of unknown and undiscovered "savages."

When I had first heard that director Eli Roth (Cabin Fever, Hostel) was going to pay homage to his love for these little ditties (this flick takes its name from an original title that was planned for Rugerro Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust), I admittedly raised a very curious eyebrow. I'll be the first to tell you that I've never been the biggest fan of his previous efforts, enjoying pieces of his movies rather than the entirety of them, but I don't dislike the guy whatsoever. There's always been a certain aura to him that does give off the impression that he's a pretty cool guy, or at the very least, is someone that you could geek out with for an impressive amount of time. The fact that this would be his first time sitting down to direct a full length horror film in six years made me wonder if he had grown as a filmmaker, and I was fully on board.


That was in 2013. Two years have since passed, and I was fully convinced that this would never see the light of day. At the very least, I was hoping for a extremely limited release through "on-demand" services. As luck would have it (and talk about good timing since my own yearly Halloween horror blog-o-thon is coming soon), fifteen hundred screens across the country were lucky enough to have The Green Inferno, even if it was to only be for a short period of time.


Anyway, enough backstory and plodding nonsense. To the number of you reading this, you're just asking two questions: is it worth the wait? Is it any good? Well....sure.


For starters, and just to get the negatives out of the way, I'll just say that one of my biggest pet peeves of Eli Roth's has always been his dialogue. I'm sure that this is meant to depict the way that teenagers and young adults usually converse with one another, but it nearly mimics the likes of his very good friend Quentin Tarantino, though it's lacking any of the real memorable moments of odd comedy or poignancy that the former possesses. More inexperienced or relaxed moviegoers may be able to stomach it a tad easier than someone like me, but after some time has passed (most of Green Inferno's meat and potatoes doesn't get going until around the forty five minute mark), there's a strong chance that you won't notice it since you're fairy engrossed by the events going on. The two women in charge of casting (Kelly Wagner and Dominika Posseren), whose previous works include Crank: High Voltage and The Devil's Rejects, deserve just as much praise as anyone that I'll discuss below. Given that The Green Inferno doesn't exactly possess an oscar-worthy script, the young actors and actresses chosen for the picture by these two are pretty darn good, especially lead actress (and Roth's own missus) Lorenza Izzo. See Rob Zombie? You CAN cast your significant other as the lead in a darker horror film and have them give a good performance. She's got a certain charm that reminded me of some of the greater scream queens of yesteryear, looking genuinely frightened by all of the maiming and terrible situations that she has found herself in. I know that she has a supporting role in the upcoming Knock Knock, which also has her husband in the director's chair, and it makes me happy that we'll be seeing more of her in the future, though hopefully without the fear of genital mutilation that Inferno seems to torture her with.


And oh my goodness gracious, the mutilation. When I caught The Green Inferno at my local theater, there were scenes of violence depicted in here that elicited legitimate "Oh fuck"s from the crowd, and during one sequence where one of the most relatable characters is brutally dismembered and devoured, I caught a glimpse of one young adult turning the tope of their hoodie down over their eyes, so as to hide their discomfort. True, more seasoned veterans will tell you that "this is nothing" compared to obscure or underground classics from the decades prior (and I can't disagree), but for something that received any sort of theatrical release, especially among a sea of mediocrity and films considered to be safe bets by distributors, this is pretty fabulous to see. There's also a nice sweeping score that permeates throughout the experience, obviously reminiscent of motion pictures like the aforementioned Cannibal Holocaust but with some added flair and modern touches to help it stand out.


If you're expecting The Green Inferno to change the face of modern horror cinema, then you're going to come out massively disappointed and potentially feeling gipped. If you're looking for a very bloody, slow burn of a project that may leave you and hopefully your less-traveled friends feeling fairly uncomfortable, then perhaps you should give Roth's newest exercise in disturbance and homage to this often-derided style of cinema (the "POR RUGGERO" during the credits will make you crack a smile) a quick glance. In fact, if you're hesitant to venture out to the cineplex, it may be a better choice to see this on a big screen before its sad box office intake chases it to the home video market, solely for the fact that even if it only makes back its own six million dollar budget, it shows that there is a demand for something "different" compared to today's releases that are usually dumped upon the masses. The world needs more The Green Infernos and Ex Machinas and less sequels to Paranormal Activity and Wrong Turn.




Anyways, stay tuned for this year's "Unseen Terror," wherein I do my yearly roundup of random finds in the horror movie field that I've yet to discover until the month of Halloween has fallen upon us. There's a nice treat and theme to this year's iteration too......

Fantastic Four (2015) Review

While working on creating a teleportation machine, young scientific prodigy Reed Richards is scouted, and eventually recruited by, the director for a research institute that specializes in bringing out the best in gifted minds. After meeting the director's children Johnny and Sue, along with another star student named Victor, the group begins working on a larger, more accurate version of Reed's invention. When the experiment is a success, they are thanked, but not given the rights to venture into  the new worlds that could be discovered along the way. Going out of their way to disobey their elders, the men of the group, along with Reed's childhood friend Ben Grimm, partake in a "test run" to an unknown planet, wherein they encounter something far more dangerous than they expected, and, upon a very explosive return, will alter them in more ways than they could have ever imagined.



Not too long ago, I wrote a review for Marvel's Ant-Man, another new entry in the realm of cinema with a rather troubled history when it came to being completed and released to the general public. When you consider the problematic production and all other things that could have sank the Peyton Reed-directed flick, I thought that the final product was rather exceptional. It balanced humor and action without falling on its own face, while standing tall as a rather solid installment in the very overcrowded realm of superhero-based motion pictures. Ant-Man was proof that you can still overcome the odds and come out on top.


Which is why it honestly does break my heart that the 2015 reboot of comic book legends Fantastic Four is as bad as it is, making for a compelling argument that perhaps the "first family" of Marvel Comics just aren't meant for success on the silver screen. At the very least, they won't find true happiness until they are put into the hands of writers and executives who understand and care about the team, or better yet, much like their wall-crawling friend, they are released back to the world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.


If you're unfamiliar with this rather odd lot, the two elements that make this team at the end of the day are very basic: fun and chemistry. All of the team's powers make them unique as individuals, as do their attitudes and quirks. Sure, Whiplash star Miles Teller does actually manage to get Reed Richards down relatively well, as the character is a bit egotistical, bordering on being a jerk (one child in the film even flat out says "You're a dick," which may have been improvised so that Teller could remember who he was playing). Hell, even Friday Night Lights star Michael B. Jordan and Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot fame (yes, he was the title character) are halfway decent as Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm. However, if you go back to the latter element that I mentioned in my first sentence, there is not a single trace of magic to be found between any of our main stars. None. You don't get the feeling that these people could be friends outside of this wildly dangerous scenario that they happen to be a part of. True, the Fantastic Four of the comic books could also fall victim to family turmoil, but they balanced it all out by still caring for one another in the end. Oh, and if you're wondering why Kate Mara (House Of Cards) as Sue Storm has been omitted from this paragraph until now, it's because I'll be happy to write a fair critique or evaluation of the lady after she wakes up from the sleepwalking that she called a performance.


Moving on to the former element, that which we have dubbed "fun." If you read a mainstream comic book, be it related to this property or not, you are expected to have a good time. If it means reading something wonderfully weird such as Scott Pilgrim, or even something as insanely misanthropic as Crossed, you are glued to the pages that you hold in your hand. Look at recent big screen displays such as Mad Max: Fury Road or John Wick for the film equivalent of such things. When one's definition of fun in Fantastic Four is watching a video of The Thing beat up someone while working for the army, but not actually seeing him do it as it is happening, then you may to reevaluate your decisions in the screenwriting department. By the time that we get an honest-to-god real battle with supervillain Doctor Doom (which isn't until the final fifteen or twenty minutes), too much time has passed with the characters having spent most of it moping and doping around, not acting like superheroes or even giving any indication that they could ever become one. Boring, tedious, and meandering are too kind of words to use for the setup for this sequence. Oh, and if you had a disdain for Marvel's previous portrayals of the Latverian overlord, you had better hope that you're chewing gum when (or if) you see this picture. You may grind your teeth into dust out of frustration without it being on hand.


While on the way home from this screening, I kept telling myself that while Fantastic Four was certainly not very good, it wasn't awful. I did sit through the previous installment with these characters, and found it to be gutter trash. After all, most of the acting is fairly decent, as is the first ten minutes with Reed Richards and Ben Grimm's first time meeting one another as children. If you get past the fairly dated-looking computer effects, it isn't that offensive to look at either. Was the review embargo for this warranted? Did it deserve the overwhelming amount of negativity flowing towards it as if the movie itself was a magnet? It took me approximately twenty five seconds to determine the answer to these questions: OH. FUCK. YES. When even your own director (Josh Trank of the excellent Chronicle fame) comes out and says that this is not the vision he initially had, then you are in serious trouble. There are fragments of a great motion picture in here that you can feel are just dying to come out should Trank have been given better control and not been forced into rewrites and reshoots. But at the end of the day, the final product isn't exciting, isn't funny, and worst of all, just isn't wholly memorable. If you absolutely have to go to your local cineplex this weekend, I'd advise you to find a way to sneak inside and watch the trailer for 2016's Deadpool, and then leave before Fantastic Four begins. There's a good chance that you'll leave happier and more enthused about your weekend than if you ever paid to watch this one hundred minute-long fecal waterslide.



I'd also suggest bringing a flask so that you may take swigs every time that Kate Mara's hair changes from brown to blonde due to poor editing. Then again, I don't want any of you to die from alcohol poisoning.

Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' (2015) Movie Review

Many years ago, the evil space overlord Freeza paid a visit to the planet Earth in the hopes that he would find and destroy the one who defeated him previously: the "Super Saiyan" known as Son Goku. Instead, he would meet his demise at the hands of a young man known as Trunks, a half-saiyan who had come to the past to warn us of a larger, greater threat. Much time has passed, and while the tyrant suffers in the bowels of hell, a small pocket of his remaining forces and servants have gathered the dragon balls with the hope of reviving their master. Once his restoration is complete, the universe's greatest evil plots for revenge, but only after he can achieve a new level of strength in which to combat his enemies.



It just dawned on me: it's been twenty years. Mind you, not since we last dove into the fantastical and bizarre world of Dragon Ball, but it's been two decades since my first exposure to the initial thirteen episode run (originally distributed here by Canada's Ocean Productions) of said Japanese franchise. It had all the wonders of similar properties that I was fond of at the time, such as Power Rangers and X-Men, but there was something magical and uniquely amusing about creator Akira Toriyama's take on the old Chinese novel "Journey To The West." Without a care in the world, I've never looked back in anger or shame and have been proud to call myself a fan since that time in my life. My goodness, I've even contemplated getting tattoos to commemorate my fanaticism, which is an idea that outside of Godzilla, I haven't even reserved for other geeky niches of mine.


And yet, never in my wildest dreams did I think that there would be several new pieces of animation created throughout the first several years of the 21st century revolving around Son Goku and his friends. In 2008, the short film Dragon Ball: Yo! Son Goku and His Friends Return was released as a tribute to the weekly anthology "Shonen Jump," which is where the series got its initial start. It was fun and sweet, though somewhat forgettable. Five years later, we received a full-length motion picture titled Dragon Ball Z: Battle Of Gods, a charming piece of nostalgia that also served as the first piece of continuity in the realm of cinema for the series (previous entries were, to put it lightly, incredibly difficult to fit into the series' timeline and of varying quality). So what better way to follow up Dragon Ball's glorious return than with another trip down memory lane, albeit with a very familiar, sinister face?


In terms of familiar faces, most of the cast from Battle Of Gods returns, including its previous antagonists Beerus and Whis, and some newer faces such as Freeza henchman Sorbet, a blue, diminutive homage to old accomplices such as Piano (from Dragon Ball). Sadly, a small portion of the "post-Freeza" heroes are conspicuously absent from Resurrection 'F'. The lack of Trunks, Goten, and Mr. Satan might be disappointing to some, but it imbues the movie with a more distinctive feel, giving us the indication that this is a natural followup to the saga that seemed to take an eternity to wrap up when it first aired. For longtime fans such as myself, I don't see why any single person would complain about seeing Tenshinhan or Master Roshi get a little bit of time to shine and fight, especially considering how any person who was a pure-blooded human being got the shaft after the aforementioned arc had come to a conclusion (just as any woman who had served her purpose in the series became a mother and stopped participating in anything dangerous). There's also the introduction of a recent and rather funny creation of series mastermind Akira Toriyama in the form of Jaco The Galactic Patrolman, who assists in providing a great chunk of the lighthearted humor that permeates throughout its ninety three minute running time. Still, if you aren't familiar with the character's prior existence (if I'm not mistaken, this is his first animated appearance in anything outside of video games), his inclusion may seem puzzling or shoehorned in for anyone who isn't a diehard fan.


To the chagrin of some of my own friends, I've always been fairly outspoken about my dislike for the dubbed versions of Dragon Ball, as it just wasn't what I grew up with or what I was accustomed to (even the Ocean Dub seemed a little off to me after I discovered the Japanese version on the obscure Maryland television station known as The International Channel). No one should hold grudges over something so petty though, as I've grown to just accept them for what they are, and the Japanese audio is just as readily available these days for older folks like me anyway. In retrospect, it's actually a good thing that importing fansubbed VHS tapes is a thing of the past now, especially in this economy that we live in. Chris Ayres is just as good at voicing Freeza as original performer Ryusei Nakao was. He gets the character, and he understands his nuances and personality while still managing to not go too overboard unless the end is nigh or he's been angered to the brink of insanity. Kyle Hebert is a fine Son Gohan too, as are Master Roshi and (personal favorite) Pilaf's voice actors. I'm still not sold on the choices they made for Son Goku, Vegeta, or Piccolo (for western actors, Scott McNeil is my favorite for the latter), but again, power to the people that like them and also grew up with those the same way that I grew up with mine. My years of being a complete snob about Funimation's cast are dying a slow death.


Combat-wise, nothing in Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' has the same impact as some of the more memorable moments of the various series (Son Goku's first battles with Piccolo and Vegeta, the first Super Saiyan transformation for Son Goku, Vegetto v. Majin Buu), but there are a small handful of scenes that will stick with you for at least the following few days after you've left the theater. They are animated exceptionally well and thought out as if it were a real motion picture, with every combatant present in the film getting a time to shine and most of the blows being dealt fast, but not too fast. A common complaint about the franchise is also tossed aside as not every sequence is overloaded with energy blasts to the point where you can't see what is happening. Hell, when characters such as Jaco and even the Turtle Hermit leave you beaming with excitement and wanting to thrust your fist up in happiness, you know that you've done something right. Fans of the entire Dragon Ball canon (not just DBZ) will likely be able to appreciate the structure and layout of these fights more than the casual Dragon "Bro" fan.


It isn't likely to convert any new fans, but Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' is an unabashed love letter to the older and/or more established fans anyway. I mean, my Kami, we even had an on-screen introduction from the folks at Funimation, complete with behind the scenes footage and trivia with the voice actors, that played before the flick began. If that isn't genuine love for its audience, then what is? During the same week where our animated heroes will be combatting the forces of Tom Cruise and a superhero franchise going through yet another reboot, it seemingly may not stand much of a chance. Mind you, that is solely at first glance. Perhaps the main reason as to why I would recommend that you see this on a larger screen is not just because it's a good deal of fun for any fan of any age, but because there's a good possibility of this film's success ensuring that we get more of these released theatrically in the future. Though it only grossed $9.3 million in the United States, we fans are still trying to get the taste of that OTHER Dragon Ball movie out of out mouths, and I'm sure that we can show the naysayers over here that it can be done well when it's done with honest adoration and effort.



Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go download this little gem of a song and play it over and over until my ears bleed and I need Shenron to repair my hearing.