Jersey Shore Shark Attack Review (Plus Some News for October!)

You know, I don't want to waste much time on this one, so I'm not giving it a dignified synopsis or plot summary. It hasn't earned one.

First and foremost, this is NOT a movie based around the 1916 shark attacks that occurred with sharks swimming up the Jersey Shore and attacking people. No, that would be too interesting (though it is referenced here). Instead, I propose a question: have you ever wanted to see the increasingly annoying and popular cast of the now-canceled Jersey Shore get devoured by killer sharks? Well...this isn't the film for you then. Also, this may contain spoilers. Why? Because, fuck you, that's why.

This goes beyond dumb. It isn't even the enjoyable kind of dumb you can get with a Roger Corman flick; it just ends up being a real chore to watch. It fails as a comedy, it fails as a horror film, and it fails as a parody. The best you can do with parodying something easy to lambast and tear apart in the first place is change the names of the main characters from "Snooki" and "The Situation" to "Nookie" and "The Complication?" For fuck's sake, who were your inspirations, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer? For that matter, who is this suppose to appeal to? These characters are our heroes throughout the agonizing ninety minutes this film takes to finish, and the production values and script aren't going to be enough to convince fans to stay around (the sharks themselves look similar to Wadzilla from Chillerama, but with a budget that makes Gwar's stage show look like Tom Savini's). Non-fans will be equally outraged and irritated when they discover that NONE of the cast is killed. No, you didn't misread that, I said NONE. It even degenerates into a Jaws parody at the halfway point, but you'll be too bored to care. Joey Fatone shows up temporarily, most likely to collect a meal check, and is promptly killed within no time. Joey "Coco" Diaz shows up for approximately three minutes and is given absolutely nothing to do other than look concerned and die an incredibly LAME death. Paul Sorvino just looks embarrassed to be here, and I can't blame him. Going from Goodfellas to Jersey Shore Shark Attack certainly isn't the path you expected your career to take. I would have said the same thing about Tony Sirico from The Sopranos showing up, but that was less surprising considering his track record isn't exactly perfect outside of portraying Paulie Walnuts.

I know some will attempt to defend this and say that because this was most likely intended to be a bad film, that it shields itself from any criticism whatsoever. I call BULLSHIT. As I've stated before, the best kind of bad films aren't made with any intention of turning out bad, they're the ones that directors and screenwriters conjure up with only awards and/or financial success in mind. Films like The Room, Troll 2, Manos: The Hands of Fate, and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon are great examples of bad movies worth viewing at least once in your lifetime. This one just stinks, and is somehow even worse than the show they're attempting to mock.

A

V

O

I

D






Well now that I've gone through THAT mess, I have some very fun news to announce: last year's 31 Days of Horror blog is returning this year! I'm currently assembling another list of thirty one horror films that I've never seen in their entirety/never seen whatsoever, and am planning on blogging for every single one of them. As before, there will be some surprises in there, such as a few Stephen King adaptations that I've never bothered to watch until now, and even a few more "necessary" horror films that come highly recommended by horror purists around the world. Stay tuned for more news regarding this year's incarnation!