Young scientists begin work on a...serum...that turns one of them...-
Screw it, I can not convince myself to even attempt to make a description of this film's plot synopsis. Then again, one could even argue with categorizing The Amazing Bulk as not a full-fledged motion picture, but rather a college student's poor attempt at making a superhero parody that began out of a brainstorm fueled by excessive amounts of glue huffing and Angel Dust usage. It's a thirty minute idea that is somehow stretched into an excruciating seventy-five minute long movie, and ultimately feels like it could still have fifteen minutes eliminated from the final cut (with most of that coming from stock footage of missile launches and scenes from orbit that are set to classical music). There was no brand of drug out there, be it legal or illegal, to make this experience anything but, well, fucking bizarre.
Okay okay, if you were to request that I give a sincere explanation as to what in the unholy hell this flick's story even is, I would tell you that at its core, it's the "mockbuster" equivalent of Louis Leterrier's 2008 reboot of The Incredible Hulk, only without the everything. The revelation that most of this picture's budget was spent on designing the cover art posted above would not shock me in the slightest. If your desire was to see a behemoth of an antihero that looked like recently-deceased MMA standout Emmanuel Yarbrough had sexual intercourse with a melted version of the Grimace who spends more time running like a character from an early 1990s Macintosh game than he does fighting, then allow me to disgrace this blog of mine with one capture of the titular character.
Did I scare you away yet? No? Good. Because should you search on noted movie database IMDB (where this pile is currently sitting at an alarmingly low 1.9), one fellow reviewer points out that this was primarily filmed on an iPhone 4. More often than not, absurd statistics such as this would warrant some further research so that I can prove their validity, but in this case, I'm just going to go along with what this person says and agree that it was very likely true. One hundred percent of Bulk is shot on a green screen, with none (I repeat, NONE) of the backgrounds being authentic and making the "Money For Nothing" video look modern. Christ, they even have CGI dogs and Monkeys running around! If this was an attempt at paying homage to noted screen gems such as Who Framed Roger Rabbit or Cool World, then they succeeded with no colors. By the way, before anyone jumps on me with the usual "oh, but they weren't lucky enough to have a huge budget," I would just like to point out that even turds like Manos: The Hands of Fate had the decency to grab real animals for their set, and all they had to promise the owners or tamers was a bowl of food for the creatures to enjoy.
Oh that's right, I haven't even begun to discuss what is usually the subject of fecal waterslides such as these: the acting! Well, given that the dialogue is written by two gentlemen whose credits include promising efforts like Vampire Boys, Gothic Vampires From Hell, and Queen Cobra, it's a given that it would be downright embarrassing. What you'll ultimately take away from every single character (other than they're self-aware that they are in a flick made for approximately the same amount that it would cost to purchase an HD TV) is that they are doing their best to turn up the volume of their roles' stereotypes to a clear eleven. The man portraying our Bruce Banner is just as bland as Eric Bana was in the 2003 Hulk, and even Bulk's antagonist, who may or may not be Adolf Hitler, is as over-the-top as one with working eyesight could ever imagine. Every performer also seems to be walking or running as if they were on a treadmill or partaking in those old green screen skits that you would see on Late Night With Conan O'Brien.
Should an afterlife truly exist, I am thoroughly convinced that there is a special place reserved for films of this ilk in the deepest, most pain-inducing bowels of hell. Do not be fooled by its promise of comparisons to that masterpiece of trash known as Tommy Wiseau's The Room. Yes, its unbelievable badness does almost warrant a one-time viewing, but pictures such as the latter, along with numerous cream of the crap winners in Grade-Z cinema like Pocket Ninjas and Shark Attack 3 will sooner find themselves sitting in heaven than this ever would. This 2010 work, which took an additional two years to see distribution for anyone that enjoys torturing their children, is available for streaming on Amazon Prime and sitting at the bottom of that dumpster a few blocks away from your apartment or house.
Enter at your own risk, and know that you will be in my thoughts should you decide to take the plunge.
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