Man, I didn't realize just how much I missed doing this sort of thing. Without getting into too many details, life outside of this crummy blog (that I need to update far more often instead of relying solely upon Letterboxd) has been fairly crummy throughout most of the year. Hell, I was dangerously close to just calling this whole thing off for good because my spirits have been rotting at the bottom of a trashcan that has been left out in the desert. Still, I find reviewing cinema to be somewhat cathartic and I can't find a reason to fully stop this yearly marathon, so let's hop to it.
Maybe covering this franchise will provide said reason though.
I'd previously reviewed 1984's Children of the Corn (based off the Stephen King short story of the same name) and in retrospect, I think I may have been a tad too kind. While I think it's far from a TERRIBLE movie, I don't think it's particularly very good either, and outside of some fun moments featuring young John Franklin as religious fanatic Isaac Chroner, it fluctuates between shockingly dull and just plain dumb. If you weren't already familiar with the story, it follows a young couple who drive into a small town where all adults have seemingly disappeared, with its only living residents being those under the age of eighteen. Said residents worship an unseen entity called "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," who entices the youngsters to murder all adults, which will ensure a successful harvest. If you're thinking that plot sounds pretty silly, welcome to the world of 1980s drug addled Stephen King. During your stay, you should be prepared for a cavalcade of weird stuff that could only come from the mind of a gentleman who did so much cocaine that he barely remembers writing any of his own material or shooting the entirety of Maximum Overdrive.
Ridiculous concept aside, there are some positive aspects to Children of the Corn I can highlight upon rewatching. The aforementioned Franklin is a hoot, and he never overstays his welcome when he's on screen. There are also some legitimately creepy ideas buried underneath all of the stupidity. The idea of children drinking from the blood of someone who just passed the age of eighteen is a ghastly concept no matter how you try and shape it. Finally, it does have a pretty creepy main theme courtesy of composer Jonathan Elias, who also composed the score to another 80s horror flick that may or may not be appearing on a future entry this month. That's about where the praise ends though, because there are just a few too many flaws that dragged down my personal enjoyment when revisiting this. For starters, if you're going to cast Linda Hamilton as one of your leads, please ensure that you utilize her services as best that you can. A failure to do so means that you need to be beaten with a rolled-up newspaper. Thank goodness The Terminator was released later in the year. Peter Horton on the other hand, just seems to lack all sorts of charisma in this role. Truth be told, there are no discernable personality traits to either of these characters other than "they're adults and they aren't crazy." Speaking of crazy, though this picture establishes that Gatlin, Nebraska isn't exactly a burgeoning area, how do other adults in surrounding areas (or around the country period) not notice when crops stop coming in after a certain amount of time? Do they attribute it to "backordering issues?" Do any of the adults in town have friends from outside of it? Would they not get suspicious and investigate? But, I digress.
Children of the Corn doesn't exactly rank high when it comes to the Stephen King movie tier list, but I suppose it could have been far worse. It has some reasonably okay aspects and promise, but its true potential is wasted for the most part. As of the time of this review, it's available to stream on Amazon Prime, Plex, Tubi, and even YouTube. There's also a Blu-Ray released by the reputable Arrow Video out there for purchase if you're still into physical media and have a soul (like me!).
Not that it's terribly surprising to hear, but much like other horror franchises who promise some sort of closure when they release an entry with the word "Final" in its title, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice is anything but the end of this shockingly lengthy series. Released eight years after its predecessor, Final Sacrifice sees the town of Gatlin finally investigated after (who we can assume to be) the survivors from the first movie fill in others about the utter insanity that has transpired. The media descends into Gatlin, and the adolescent survivors from the town are adopted by residents from the nearby area of Hemingford. Unbeknownst to everyone, however, is the fact that these creepy kids are still infatuated with the idea of "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," and they still slink off into the night to gather in a cornfield so that they may worship the unseen entity.
The film focuses on a failing investigative reporter (St. Elsewhere's Terence Knox) and his mostly estranged large adult son (a very not-teenager-looking Paul Scherrer) as they travel through Hemingford, with the two deciding to make the very intelligent decision to stay in town for the time being and interact with a smorgasbord of cliched townsfolk. Meanwhile, a new creepy kid emerges spewing forth a lot of the same fanatical gibberish that Isaac did in Part One, and bad things begin to happen. An unsurprising, basic plot sure, but I doubt anyone expects something complex from these flicks. I do advise that you hold onto your butts for one split second though: while extremely dumb, Final Sacrifice is kind of precious. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I genuinely enjoyed my time viewing it.
Do not mistake such a statement as saying that this sequel is "good." It's junk. I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I had a blast with it though. Cast-wise, this is a potpourri of every stereotype you can imagine from a religious-themed horror flick. The character of Micah, who is essentially a louder, older version of Isaac, is played with such fervor by Ryan Bollman that you kind of learn to love the little asshole. He's a Troma villain with some of the ridiculousness of a professional wrestling persona (think a more bloodthirsty version of early "Broken" Matt Hardy), and he's easily the best aspect of this blessed mess. Everyone else is pretty flat however, which I'd say is more the fault of the script that anything else. Hell, they even manage to work a "mystical" Native American character into the film around the halfway mark or so, and the only thing he adds is a truckload of exposition and a laughably silly final shot. There's also some pretty goddamn dumb kills scattered throughout (including a Wizard of Oz homage.....really folks?), which is something that the prior film lacked. Still, it's all forgivable when you're just laughing at how you can clearly tell that the people behind the camera this time around (in this case, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde director/nepo baby David Price) either wanted to do away with anything resembling atmosphere in favor of lower budget absurdity, or were just unsure about what to do with a sequel that was likely never requested by anyone with a working brain.
I suspect that because my expectations were so incredibly low, that may have been what contributed to my surprising enjoyment of Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice. Look, if you can completely embrace the campiness behind this concept and realize that it isn't trying to take itself seriously, it's kind of an enjoyable hoot. If you want to lessen your suffering, just read a quick summary of the first flick and jump right into this one. It's currently streaming on MAX and Hulu, and I do believe that a Box Set containing the first three films in this series was released by Arrow Video overseas (if you're into the Region-Free disc purchasing thing).
There's a part of me that believes this film's entire existence is a punishment to anyone who remotely enjoyed the film that preceded it. Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (ya get it? It's because it's in the city this around!.........GET IT?!) is a disappointing step down in a franchise that had nowhere to go but up. This film is centered on two recently orphaned brothers from Nebraska who are adopted by a kindly couple in Chicago. Joshua, the older of the two, is awkward yet kind. Eli, the younger brother (and played by an actual teenager!), exhibits all of the signs of wannabe religious fanatics that were present in the prior two features. Bad things begin to occur (yet) again, and I feel as though choosing to cover this entire godforsaken franchise may drive me to madness after all.
Before I rip into Urban Harvest with a corn scythe, I will give praise where it is due: the practical effects and makeup are on point here. Genre veteran Screaming Mad George (whose body of work includes Predator, Tales from the Hood, Society, and A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors) is perhaps the only saving grace, as the final fifteen-or-so minutes are yet another nice display of the man's talents. Bodies are pierced and sliced, necks are stretched, and we FINALLY get to see what "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" looks like. It doesn't quite measure up to something as utterly mind-blowing as the "Shunting" from Society, but what the hell can? Seriously, track down any of those aforementioned films in this paragraph and go watch them instead.
Well, the fun part is over now. Let's just cut to the chase: everything else here absolutely stinks. There isn't a single good performance to be found in Urban Harvest. None. Even our main antagonist Eli doesn't have the chops or anything unique to him that you can't find in other, superior pictures. There's a shocking amount of what I can only describe as "go away" heat with the character, and by the time he gets something resembling comeuppance, you're happy not necessarily because "good" has gained an upper hand, but rather because you don't have to see Eli again. After reading up on the later entries in this franchise, I'm relieved that he's seemingly a one-and-done villain, because if future filmmakers tried to pull a "Mark Hoffman from Saw" and force him into anything else, I would have been furious personally. The film also feels (perhaps unintentionally) slightly racist, as most of the noteworthy kills in Urban Harvest's body count are comprised of African American men and women, with two noteworthy deaths following attempts at saving Caucasian youngsters, and a lot of supporting characters playing very outdated racial stereotypes. The final cherry on top of this moldy sundae is how insanely idiotic the script is. Look, I understand that the adults in these movies aren't exactly written to be the smartest of individuals, but after two horrific incidents were made public (and which are seen in scattered, sepia-toned flashbacks), why would you just not quarantine Gatlin and confine any escapees to a mental institution? Or just send them to Outer Space?
That's bound to happen in this series, right? Hell, even Leprechaun did it.
Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest is bad. If you're that desperate to watch its final, fleeting moments on screen (aka the SMG effects), just go search for that on YouTube. Yes, it is currently streaming on MAX, but please stay away. I'm concerned not for myself, but for everyone else reading this and considering it.
Still, they can't get any worse than this, right?
........right?
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