Unseen Terror 2022: Post-Marathon Thoughts, Misses, and the Future

Well, enough time has passed since I published my final post for this year's "Unseen Terror," but I figured there could still be something fun to talk about afterwards. I won't beat around the bush here: this was an exceptionally tough list to assemble this time around. Mind you, it had nothing to do with accessing any of these selections (every network seems to have its own streaming service, and physical media still exists for now. Also, Tubi rocks), but finding a way to fit them into a rather tight schedule and muster the energy to write even a half-assed review was especially difficult for me. It's the primary reason as to why I skipped last year's "Unseen Terror," and why I almost called it quits for good before Fall season came around. Thankfully, with the part most integral to this burnout (mostly) gone, I can take a bit of time to put together a nice "bonus" entry or two.

Before I get into my choices that almost made it onto this year's blog, I want to give a high recommendation to Werewolf by Night on Disney+, which I had watched but completely forgot to log on here AND on Letterboxd. Whoops. This was Marvel Studios' first proper foray into the realm of horror (unless you count the Sam Raimi "staples" he stamped all over the second Doctor Strange film), and it's a brisk and bloody romp that one can watch without having any familiarity whatsoever with the MCU. Gael Garcia Bernal is awesome as the titular character and the choice to present it in (mostly) black & white makes for a fun experience that will tickle the fancy of old and new fans of the macabre alike. A very pleasant surprise. If Marvel Studios gave us more works with directors who can have full creative freedom in their hands, maybe I wouldn't feel so goddamn burned out on superhero stuff now.

Now, let me discuss a smattering of the pictures that just missed the mark of making it onto "Unseen Terror" this year:

-Smile (2022). I plan to catch this one the moment it hits home video, as most feedback has been very positive, and it has made an absurd amount at the box office. I am still cautious about hitting up movie theaters on a regular basis again considering that Covid has most certainly NOT gone away and a good chunk of the people venturing out to watch theatrical releases lack any sort of facial covering. That, and ticket prices aren't dropping anytime soon it seems.

-All the Colors of the Dark (1972). I purchased the Blu-Ray for this highly praised Giallo a couple of months ago but setting up my device to play it again (aka my Xbox One) proved to be a bit of a pain. Sometimes I'm just plain lazy folks.

-The Funhouse (1981). With apologies to the late, great Tobe Hooper, I delayed watching this fan favorite in its entirety because of the last-minute revelation that Terrifier 2 was being released to theaters for the weekend. I guess that makes me a poser, but I do plan to go and finish this sometime in the next week though. 

-Jeepers Creepers 2, 3, and Reborn. While I don't adore the first film in this (surprisingly) long running franchise, I do think most of it is fairly okay (when the Creeper sprouted wings, I audibly remember going "ah, he's just another monster"). However, Victor Salva is a convicted child molester, and he won't get a single second of my free time. Oh, and Clownhouse (previously reviewed here) is an awful flick. Fuck him and his films forever.

-The Sonata (2018). A complete "blind buy" from the Dollar Tree, and that was admittedly based off of the cover. That, and it has Rutger Hauer. Maybe once I get my console hooked up again, I'll toss this on.

-Perfect Blue (1998). Undoubtedly my biggest "FAIL" in terms of spacing out my listing properly. I have not laid my eyes on this film since I was a teenager, and I remembered absolutely nothing about it other than it being very intense. This has often been heralded as one of the best psychological thriller/horror movies of the 90s, and a landmark in Japanese animation (and is apparently a huge inspiration for Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan). I also bought the Blu-Ray for this quite some time ago, but it appears to have popped up on streaming service Shudder, so there is no excuse for a delay now.

-Halloween Kickback (2021). I got about ten minutes into this and chose to go with the Trap House movie instead. I believe I made the better choice.

-The Amityville Horror 2-42 (various years). Look, after suffering through the entirety of the Texas Chainsaw and Hellraiser franchises in prior marathons, I am done filling up most of my Octobers with ANY full series. Seriously, how do you milk this one halfway decent (albeit dated) flick so much it produces FORTYONE sequels/spinoffs? I may be off my rocker, but unless y'all promise me some sort of compensation, I will not be taking the plunge here.

And with that, we bid adieu to "Unseen Terror" until next year...............save for ONE MORE post coming soon. Said post will include something that has long been overdue: my listings for the very best and very worst that I've watched over the years of doing this crummy little blog of mine! Stay tuned!

Unseen Terror 2022: Catching Up, Wrapping Up, Up Yours

 Y'know, maybe doing these in spurts rather than daily entries is a bit easier for me than I thought. Then again, I'm hoping that when/if I get around to doing this yet again next October, my life will be a little less hectic and full of fewer moments where I want to pull my hair out and strangle myself with it. Anyway, here's the last batch for 2022's iteration of "Unseen Terror." Let's not waste any further time.

DAY 25: 

My familiarity with 1998's Halloweentown, which revolves around a group of kids (whose grandmother may or may not be a witch except she totally is) who accidentally find themselves in another world where monsters live and interact with one another on a normal basis, is.......actually, I had never even heard of this made-for-TV flick until perhaps a year or so ago. I feel as though when it initially premiered on Disney back in the day, I had focused my shift on other programming that catered more to my angsty, preteen self (a.k.a. it's hyper violent anime and "attitude era" wrestling or nothing at all). Still, the list of family-friendly spooky features is nowhere near as impressive as it once was, so I figured that finally adding this to my queue was long overdue. I kind of wish that I had deviated from the norm during the latter half of the 90s however, because for every charming part that can be found in Halloweentown, there is a bit too much in the way of "lowest common denominator" goofiness for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I usually adore a good silly horror/horror-adjacent movie from time to time, but this REALLY relies on you having young ones of your own to watch it with. A lot of the jokes fall flat, though the late Debbie Reynolds' charm does prevent it from ever falling over completely. If I didn't detest the idea of having children or of having people make physical contact with me, I feel as though I would've been into this a bit more. As it stands though, it's still serviceable. Nice to see Judith Hoag of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame pop up in something else too. She's pretty fun and still one of my earliest childhood crushes.

DAY 26:

Another "cheat" day for me. Oh well. Not much else I can talk about when it comes to the wonderful 90s cheese that is Bride of Chucky. It's a silly romp with some very stylish kills and a snazzy script that is unapologetically "90s." I think my only real complaint comes from the lead humans being so dreadfully uninteresting though. I don't know if Andy Barclay was necessary for every entry in the Child's Play franchise (especially given how awesome Fiona Dourif's Nica is later on), but the young lovebirds here (one of whom is played by a very young Katherine Heigl) are just so bland compared to our protagonist from the prior three movies. Still worth checking out, even if it is a tiny bit dated. Soundtrack still kicks an unholy amount of ass though (especially that Monster Magnet song).

DAY 27:

It appears as though The Simpsons duped me this year. Around this time every October, their annual "Treehouse of Horror" anthology airs on television, and in more recent years, ends up on either Hulu or Disney afterwards. Even though I've grown pretty darn tired of the show that I will still refer to as my favorite animated show of all time (if you're willing to forget that it's been bad/below average longer than it's been good at this point), I will always make an effort to watch those however I can. Much to my delight, I saw that the newest entry, which seemed to include a segment solely dedicated to parodying Stephen King's It (more so the 2017 adaptation), was up on Hulu. Then it started, and I realized this was an ENTIRE EPISODE dedicated to this parody. As it turns out, the REAL "Treehouse of Horror" anthology had yet to air on Fox, and this is sort of a special treat to tide us over for the time being. The episode, titled "Not It," is.... fine. Nothing particularly noteworthy other than saying that the animation department deserves a raise for making this look as good as it does (the Krusty/Pennywise character has some particularly nasty-looking transformation sequences) and poor Julie Kavner needs a goddamn break already. A decent time killer, but not much more beyond that.

DAY 28:

Finnish horror doesn't really get discussed too often, does it? To be fair, that's because Finland doesn't have the largest selection of scarier titles to choose from. Hell, off the top of my head, the only one that comes to mind for me was Dark Floors (previously reviewed here) and the less said about that one the better. I do recall finding the initial trailer for 2022's Hatching on the always reliable Bloody Disgusting, and once I heard it described as one of the freshest takes on the "body horror" subgenre, I was fully on board. Plus, every poster I've seen kinda slaps.

Thankfully I was not disappointed in this rather creepy and bleak flick, and I think it will stand out as one of the best of this year's marathon. The story is centered around a young gymnast named Tinja, whose sole purpose in life is seemingly that of pleasing her arrogant, somewhat delusional mother. As an active "influencer" and vlogger, the mom is content on presenting herself, her husband, and her children as the ideal, average, yet pristine family that one could hope to become one day. After a strange set of circumstances leave Tinja having to mercifully kill a crow that her mother thought she had disposed of (it's a long story), she comes across an egg that (seemingly) belonged to the bird before its death. Tinja nurtures and cares for the egg in secret, but when it finally hatches, what emerges is something that will shatter the mind and change Tinja's life forever. 

The earliest comparisons that were being thrust towards Hatching's way were to that of the early 2000s gem Ginger Snaps (and not just because of having some deceptively gnarly-looking practical effects). While I do think that such a thing is unfair, it also isn't completely unwarranted. Without giving too much away, many of Hatching's themes and plot developments are not-so-subtle metaphors for puberty, breaking free of restraints, and "becoming" a woman. Tinja (played wonderfully by Siiri Solalinna) is a tragic character, whose peaceful demeanor and insistency that she can't displease her mother, echoing that of a few people that I know personally (and I'd argue to say even myself). You are truly rooting for her through all of the chaos. The rest of the supporting cast is also quite exceptional, with actress Sophia Heikkila playing perhaps the most detestable parental figure I've seen in a good while. It's the kind of performance where you have to really remind yourself that there is a good chance the actress is a wonderful person in real life, but man is she good at convincing you that she plays rotten people well.

Hatching is a truly remarkable and occasionally unsettling feature that will proudly sit as one of the better viewings from this year's marathon (unless you're an animal lover. There are a couple of scenes in here that are pretty upsetting to see). I'm always happy to discover new oddities from other parts of the world to add to my "favorites" list, and I'm also happy that we have another new female voice in the horror genre in the form of director Hanna Bergholm, whose career I'll be keeping a close eye on. It's currently streaming on Hulu in Finnish w/ English subtitles, and it has a pretty brisk running time to boot!

DAY 29:

I have not ventured out into the theater nearly as often as I used to pre-pandemic, and despite the fact that the highly lauded Barbarian (written and directed by Zach Cregger of The Whitest Kids U' Know fame) seemed to be playing for what felt like an eternity (primarily due to excellent word of mouth) I was not willing to risk getting Covid for a second time. True, I do work in retail, but at least there I can back away a bit if I feel like someone is standing just a tad too close to me. Thankfully the sleeper hit made its way onto the HBO Max streaming service about a week or so ago, so I was able to do some last-minute shuffling and properly squeeze it into my queue.

Without giving too much away, I can safely say that I truly regret not seeing Barbarian on a larger screen, and especially in a theater filled with vocal and passionate horror fans. It is structured in a way that certainly feels as though it was designed to elicit as many utterances of "Oh shit!" from an unsuspecting audience. I feel as though the best way to ensure that you enjoy this creepy little oddball is to go into it as blind as you can. Besides laying my eyes on its poster, my only familiarity came from seeing that Justin Long (playing perhaps one of the biggest, self-centered assholes I've seen all year) was in the cast, and he's easily one of the best aspects of this frequently chaotic tale about.... shit, I don't want to spoil much. Well, let's just say that it involves staying at an AirBnB and I'll leave it at that. Cool? Anyway, this is a very tight, well-crafted sick little flick that gives us another new(ish) name to keep an eye on in the world of horror.

DAY 30:

Oh, NOW we get the proper "Treehouse of Horror," huh? This friggin' show, I swear...

Anyway, confusion aside, the annual spooky Simpsons anthology is something I never miss, and much to my surprise, this may have been one of the strongest ones they've had in a long time. The first story is a not-so-subtle parody of The Babadook, with Marge and Maggie serving as the main characters and Julie Kavner doing her damnedest to not sound like she wants to keel over or cough up her larynx. It's probably the most forgettable of the segments, but it wasn't terrible by any means. The second story is undoubtedly the one that has garnered the most attention from old, new, and non-fans alike: "Death Tome" is The Simpsons doing an unabashed love letter to and parody of the classic Japanese series "Death Note." Hell, they even contacted the original studio behind the anime adaptation to animate this particular segment so that it looks as accurate as they can possibly be (without potentially getting sued I assume). Seeing Lisa play the role of Light Yagami and wielding the "power" to end anyone's life if she so pleases makes for some fun gags. It's a cute story and a real visual treat. Finally, the third story is an homage to "Westworld," wherein we discover that the entire Simpsons universe is closer to that of a Disney World-style amusement park. Naturally, something goes wrong, and the "Homer Bot" becomes self-aware while also trying to figure how to get out of this "Simpsons World." Even if you have no interest whatsoever in watching this year's "Treehouse" in its entirety, this segment is absolutely worth tracking down. It is primarily catered towards the "lapsed" fanbase with tons of easter eggs thrown in and it gave me some of the first genuine, hearty laughs that I've gotten from The Simpsons in goodness knows how long. It also features a charming little cameo at the very end from another beloved Fox character. Overall, a damn good surprise.

DAY 31:

It's funny: I don't know how 1980's utterly bizarre and trippy Altered States ended up as the last movie that I would end this year's "Unseen Terror" with, especially since I usually try to go out with either something Halloween-related or with something that is closer to "pure" horror. One could argue that perhaps this belongs more on a monthly "Sci-Fi" marathon than it does on one focused primarily on pure terror, but I suppose I'll be the one to say that this was far more unsettling and unnerving than most of the pictures I've watched during this year's selection. That, and you could make the argument for it being "body horror" even more than science fiction. Regardless of whatever you would like to classify it as, it should be go down as a damn fine experiment in the realm of cinema.

The plot to Altered States is a bit of a mouthful (then again, trying to describe most of Ken Russell's pictures can be rather difficult): William Hurt plays a psychopathologist who believes that our "other states of consciousness" are as just as real as the ones that we experience in our mundane, ordinary lives. He begins to experiment with different means in which to research this: first, he uses a sensory deprivation tank. Years later, he ventures to Mexico where he hears of ancient rituals involving sacred mushrooms and shrubs. He consumes a potion that gives him intense, horrific hallucinations and he begins to wonder if perhaps some of these visions are genetic memories rather than strange visions. To be perfectly honest with you, I do not know if I am even doing the greatest job at describing this. Of course, I can't pretend to sound eloquent if I just typed out "William Hurt does a lot of weird drugs and shit gets strange bruh."

There is a lot to unpack with this fascinating feature. For starters, it's easily the most unique film I've watched during this year's marathon and could arguably outdo any other entry from the past few years' worth of selections on this blog in terms of weirdness. The visual aesthetic and vibe in Altered States is a beast of its own. One may find themselves wondering if the late William Hurt (making his film debut here) may be experiencing morbid visions or flat-out prophesizing, and his performance is simply electric. It also has perhaps one of the more notorious instances of squabbling between a film's director and the author behind the source material that said film is an adaptation from. While I can't say that I've read screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky's original novel, my interest was most certainly piqued after watching this flick. He might've hated Ken Russell's handling of his story, but if there's even a smidge of what was seen here in the book itself, I can't wait to read it.

Altered States serves as one of the finest examples of how to combine sci-fi and horror into one, (mostly) cohesive, terrifying beast that can please both circles while also still doing just enough to potentially entice one side over to the other if they were ever hesitant. The acting and score are equally fantastic, and the visuals are striking enough to make you both want to try every drug imaginable and to never pick up anything that could even be construed as a "substance." It's a real feast for the eyes and the brain, and I could only imagine how this would've gone down had I watched it in another "state of mind."

And with that...we are finished. For now.

Come back very soon though, for I need to issue a proper update about the future of this marathon and give readers a nice little bonus or two. Stay tuned!

Unseen Terror 2022: Catching the Hell Up......Again.

How wonderful it is to talk about slashers and maniacs. For the (unintended) second iteration of my "catching up" postings, we have some distinctly different entities released over the course of forty years. One featuring an all-too familiar face from our childhoods, some feeling like they are pandering to the lowest common denominator, and another features a newer character who is destined to go down as one of the most impactful & infamous (if not divisive) figures in modern horror. Let's get to it.

DAY 19:

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I'm a little surprised that I had never managed to catch Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare in its entirety until this year. I've spent far too much time over the past twenty-plus years being fixated on and fascinated by horror icon Freddy Krueger's evil deeds, but yet never took the plunge with this one. Perhaps it was due to a fairly bad reputation that it's garnered over the years. Perhaps it was due to the fact that it essentially felt like one of the final nails in the coffin of the slasher genre (until Scream brought it back to the mainstream) by having an awful box office intake. Whatever the case, there was no excuse for missing it now since it popped up on Tubi. Plus, I have to be a Nightmare completist. I don't expect to be reviewing the Freddy's Nightmares TV show this year though.

If the title wasn't a dead giveaway, Freddy's Dead was intended to be the final entry in New Line Cinema's once profitable A Nightmare on Elm Street series. Box office receipts had started to dwindle and the folks at New Line (specifically Bob Shaye) felt like it was time to finally move on with different projects. Stepping into the director's chair for this sixth installment was Rachel Talalay, who had been involved with prior Nightmare projects in various capacities (and also wrote the story this time around). Said story begins with the introduction of the amnesiac John Doe who is seemingly the last survivor of the (now) almost childless town of Springwood, Ohio. Through some screwy means, he is taken into a shelter for troubled kids, where he meets their doctor, Maggie Burroughs (played by future L.A. Law co-star Lisa Zane). Hoping to cure his amnesia, Maggie takes John and a trio of her patients to Springwood for a trip. Of course, ol' Freddy is waiting for them to just fall asleep so he can dispatch of them in gleefully creative ways. But could one of these rapscallions hold the key to truly defeating the man also known as "The Springwood Slasher?" And does one of them hold a stronger connection to Freddy that even they would realize sounds crazy? 

Certainly sounds like I'm hyping this up to be a rather grandiose conclusion to this saga, yes? Well, that idea sounds promising, but Freddy's Dead is unfortunately a colossal misfire and proof that maybe killing Freddy was the absolute best thing you could have done to spare this icon any further embarrassment. Nothing really works here. The script is peppered with some pretty lousy dialogue, with Freddy himself going into full-on Bugs f'n Bunny territory (NOT a compliment) and losing any menace he had retained throughout his prior outings. In terms of our protagonists, going from the excellent Alice Johnson (of parts 4 & 5) to the pretty bland and forgettable Maggie is also a shame, especially when you discover just how vital the latter is to the franchise halfway through this flick's running time. It makes you REALLY wish she was written to be more interesting or that they had hinted at her importance in prior pictures (possible spoiler, sorry). Still, you do have a fairly fun performance from Yaphet Kotto here, who gets to beat Freddy up with a baseball bat. Points for that. Speaking of violent behavior, even the kills this time around just feel tiresome. I'd argue that the most impressive death comes via a hearing aid tampering, but that's only because everything else just kind of stinks (especially when the final kill of the film, originally filmed to be in 3D along with the final ten minutes of the actual movie itself, looks even worse). Seeing a creatively bankrupt Nightmare movie is like going to your favorite restaurant to only discover than the menu has been completely revamped and they're using McDonald's hamburgers to make their patties instead of making them in house. It's serviceable, but not what you paid for and will not likely warrant a return from you.

Freddy's Dead is kind of a necessary evil in the Elm Street franchise though. It's not a good film. AT ALL. You could honestly just skip through all of the fluff and watch one of those "Kill Count" videos on YouTube instead (not hating at all, I really like the Dead Meat folks). However, its failure did ultimately lead New Line Cinema back to Krueger's "father" Wes Craven, and he gave us a fan-fucking-tastic return to form for the character (albeit in a "noncanonical" sense) in Wes Craven's New Nightmare. Go seek that out instead if you haven't already.

DAY 20:

Despite sporting what I think is an undeniably awesome poster and tagline, 1984's The Mutilator (also known by the far more fitting title of Fall Break) is ultimately more of a perplexing entry in the absurdly large slasher subgenre than an outright good or bad one. The plot is pretty standard, with a cluster of coeds going to an island property during a break from school and encountering a psychotic madman who may or may not have connections to said island (and one of the characters). The real standout of The Mutilator comes not from its villain or even its kills, but rather its tone. It's very difficult to tell whether or not this was filmed with sincerity or if they were trying to go for intentionally campy. The movie features both opening and closing credits that are shot akin to that of a silly 80s sitcom (complete with goofy, uplifting music). That is certainly.....a choice. If I'm being brutally honest, this is the perfect kind of low-grade slasher that works best with a group of friends and some sort of recreational assistance. My days of drinking regularly are over though, so I wish I could give this a stronger recommendation.

DAY 21

OOF.

Well, 1982's Nightbeast (a loose remake of Maryland director Don Dohler's own picture The Alien Factor) is this year's reminder that perhaps I SHOULD take up drinking again. I found this one to be a bit difficult to get through, but admittedly I was battling some pretty bad food poisoning that day so my opinions and enjoyment may have been swayed by feeling like my body was housing a chestburster from Alien. Maybe I'll revisit this one again someday when I'm feeling better and have a bit freer time away from work. Fun monster design though.

DAY 22

Interestingly enough, I believe that this is one of the few times where I've revisited a film from a prior year's "Unseen Terror." Once I heard that 1991's criminally underrated Popcorn was getting the "Last Drive-In" treatment via horror streaming service Shudder, I figured that there was no better excuse to revisit it for the first time since I reviewed it back in 2015. Thankfully most of its charm and cleverness still remains intact, and I think it's just such a goddamn shame that Jill Schoelen never became a bigger star. Not really sure that I can add a whole lot more that wasn't covered before seven years ago. If you enjoy movies which feature a love FOR horror movies as a core part of its plot, check it out.

DAY 23:

Oy vey. I know that it isn't some sort of shocking revelation, but man did studios just churn out way too many slasher pictures during the decade of decadence. What caught my eye about 1981's Graduation Day (which is about, brace yourselves here, a mysterious figure killing off horny and gullible teens days before their graduation) however, was its very peculiar cast of somewhat familiar faces. I can't say that seeing fan favorite scream queen Linnea Quigley (Night of the Demons, Return of the Living Dead) pop up here was terribly surprising, but seeing Wheel of Fortune's Vanna White? Michael Pataki of Halloween 4 and Ren & Stimpy fame (where he voiced the quite gruff George Liquor)? Christopher George of City of the Living Dead and Pieces infamy? I most certainly was on board for this train ride.

Unfortunately, Graduation Day is kind of a mixed bag. Its first half is at times brutally slow (bordering on nap-inducing) but once the body count begins, it is a hoot of the highest regard. None of these kills are going to change the game (though pole vaulting onto a bed of steel spikes is undeniably gnarly) but they are serviceable given the visibly lower budget and (what I can assume to be) rushed shooting time. The killer reveal is a bit of a disappointment, but the journey along the way is a fairly fun one. Although I believe that Happy Birthday to Me is likely to take home the silver medal for "Best Slasher" during this year's marathon, this could end up with a shiny medal for third place by the end of the month.

I'm certain that you'd be reading that last sentence and asking what will likely be taking top honors in that category though. Well, here's your blood-soaked, nasty grand prize winner.

DAY 24: 

I have been having the hardest time trying to write about Terrifier 2, and that is for a multitude of reasons. For starters, I have watched this Covid-delayed sequel TWICE now (the first time during its initial theatrical run towards the beginning of October), and I had to refresh my memory a bit before finalizing a published review. The follow-up to 2016's surprise hit Terrifier (both written and directed by Damien Leone) had been sitting in my queue for what felt like an eternity and was an early addition to this year's selection. However, I could have never anticipated that it would receive any sort of release in a cineplex (save for maybe something like the Drafthouse cinemas), as the first film is absolutely the kind of monstrosity that even modern horror audiences might find to be a bit too gross for their liking (need I mention the "hacksaw" scene?). Much to my delight though, this movie has been sticking around past its initial release schedule and has been EXPANDING into even more theaters over the weeks. Whether you count yourself as a fan of Art the Clown or not, the runaway success that it's been having (almost all due to word of mouth) is a pretty outstanding triumph for independent horror cinema.

As for the finished product itself? Well, I don't know if maybe I'm becoming a bit too sensitive in my older age, but Terrifier 2 will likely go down as perhaps the ghastliest, most disgusting, cruelest, and just all-around most brutal picture I'll see all month (if not all year). Leone has managed to take his own creation and turn this sequel up to eleven and then some by adding in some interesting lore surrounding its bad guy and a stronger script than its predecessor. The violence splits its time between being gloriously over-the-top to downright uncomfortable, and it features some of the best practical effects/makeup work you're likely to see in a modern-day horror film. Hell, its centerpiece kill will go down as an all-time classic (actress Casey Hartnett deserves a bonus and full course meal for going through it) and once/if you see the horrific crime committed, the revelation that this flick has been causing some audiences to either walk out, pass out, or feel quite ill will be far more understandable. Art the Clown (played perfectly yet again by David Howard Thornton) continues to earn his place alongside other legendary, silent, stone cold killers from yesteryear. Even as someone who doesn't have coulrophobia, there is just something so unnerving about the character that gets under your skin like few horror antagonists can do these days. Opposite the maniacal Art is a surprisingly solid cast of characters, and ones who I found to be even more memorable than those found in its predecessor. Teenager Jonathan, played by Elliott Fullam (who you can find on the very charming "Little Punk People" channel on YouTube) is a young man fascinated by true crime stories and all things morbid, and his fascination with this "evil clown" that has made a name for himself over the past few years could have some serious consequences if he keeps sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. His strict (if not extremely cautious) mother is played rather well by Sarah Voigt, who despite having a fairly small body of work, portrays her character as if she's been doing this longer than most in her field. I do have to save the most noteworthy performance (well, at least among the new cast) for last though: Lauren. F'n. Lavera. Y'all, we gotta talk about this actress, because she absolutely ROCKS in Terrifier 2. I'm certain that even those who have derided the movie agree that this woman is a goddamn star (and I'd be willing to bet that the character of Sienna could hold her own against anything thrown her way, be it from this world or not). It has been far too long since I've rooted this hard for a "Final Girl" in any horror picture to kick the villain's keester, and she'll stand alongside folks like Sharni Vinson in You're Next, Jessica Rothe in Happy Death Day, and Samara Weaving in Ready or Not as some of the best we've seen over the last decade or so. My apologies if it sounds like I'm gushing: when I enjoy great protagonists in the scarier side of cinema, it is a fabulous feeling.

It isn't all terrific, however. Perhaps the biggest derision that Terrifier 2 seems to be getting from critics (well, besides the violence) has been its incredibly lengthy running time. While I will admit that it didn't necessarily bother me personally because it just adds to the tension, any "slasher" picture that runs for close to 2.5 hours could probably use a bit of editing here and there. Then again, my screenings were presented as the "Uncut" version of the movie (Lemmy help whoever has to edit this into a "Rated" cut), so perhaps that's a bit of a silly complaint. I do also think that despite my enjoyment and sympathy for most of its cast, some of the supporting players feel a bit underwritten. But hey, that's horror for ya sometimes. Finally, without going into spoilers, it does leave the audience with a lot of unanswered questions and certain plot elements are a tad confusing (particularly its mid-credits scene). I assume that those will be answered in the inevitable Terrifier 3 though.

Discussing and giving my final thoughts on Terrifier 2 is a rather difficult task, only because I know that half of the people who read this crummy blog of mine are looking more for genuine scares rather than gore-filled extravaganzas. Hell, I've even said before that though I love a good ol' bloodbath, I'm more frightened of the living than the dead, and chills/dread will often trump body parts flying all over the screen. That being said, I do believe that Damien Leone's follow-up feature can serve as that rare example which can satisfy both crowds. If you have a strong stomach, are searching for a new horror figure to genuinely creep you out or are just in the mood for something that can best be described as "utterly, unabashedly insane," give this one a watch however you can. I'm planning on preordering the Blu-Ray as soon as it becomes available.

Unseen Terror 2022: Catching the Hell Up

Sometimes I truly despise having to write. Whether that can be attributed to writer's block or lethargy I'm not sure. Still, here I am. Again. Thank you for your patience. Though I have certainly not been behind on the viewing portions of "Unseen Terror," having to log a lengthy review for every entry is sometimes grating considering that I usually come home physically and emotionally drained. Anyway, enough kvetching and moaning. Let's play "catch up," shall we?

DAY 7:

I had honest-to-Lemmy forgotten that there was a documentary out there about the rabid fanaticism for the Evil Dead franchise. Having previously reviewed documentaries about the likes of Pet Sematary and other properties, I had much higher hopes for the aptly titled Hail to the Deadites. Sadly, I really wish I could have liked this more than I did. There is some genuine love and heart to be found throughout its running time, but if you were to show this to a complete stranger (though I'm not sure who you would be able to convince to sit down and watch this without having seen a single frame of an Evil Dead flick), I imagine that their initial response would be something along the lines of "I don't get it." Worse yet is that it's shockingly boring and meandering at times. This wasn't necessarily bad, but it isn't what I would classify as a necessary viewing. Perhaps the most amusing part is how they dedicate an obscenely large amount of time to one quirky couple who met over a shared love for the films, then follow them as they prepare for their upcoming wedding. One year later, they divorced. Perhaps I'm rotten for laughing at that as hard as I did.

DAY 8:

DAY 9:

The yearly Goosebumps viewing commenced, and though I found "Vampire Breath" (pictured above) and "Calling All Creeps" to both be marginally entertaining in different ways (sadly I never read either of the books for these ones), I feel as though I'm picking scraps from the carcass that is this distinctly 90s television series from the frightening land known as Canada. The highlight comes from the former having an ending that is eerily reminiscent of a segment in The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror IV" episode. Whether that was intentional or not I haven't the faintest idea, but it made me chuckle, nonetheless.

DAY 10:

.....don't give me that look. I'm allowed to cheat once in a while. And besides, how can one turn down an offer to watch a Godzilla film wherein he fights a behemoth that is born from his initial demise in 1954? And that beast sports an aggregate form that resembles a giant, f'd up hybrid that looks like a gross combination of a Xenomorph (complete with a "mouth within a mouth") and a mutated crustacean? Godzilla vs. Destoroyah, the conclusion the Big G's second "era," is an entry that seems to have one foot in the door of the horror genre, as the plot revolves around a Godzilla that is, in layman's terms, overflowing with radioactivity to the point where he WILL experience a meltdown that can annihilate the entire planet (the tagline for its poster was "GODZILLA DIES" in case you doubted the severity of the situation). Perhaps one day I'll venture worth and do a revisiting of every single entry in this near seventy-year-old franchise. For now, I'll just say that you should sit down and find a way to experience every entry in what is dubbed the "Heisei" era. They all have a connecting story, some truly remarkable monsters, and grandiose scores.

DAY 11:

Y'know, considering all of the times that I've attempted to do something "themed" for the day of my birth (more often than not it's a picture released in 1985), it never dawned on me that the said-to-be underrated Happy Birthday to Me was sitting there right under my nose. Thankfully this bad boy popped up on Tubi (though with an AWFUL alternate cover) and it was about damn time that I viewed this oddity. Happy Birthday to Me, directed by the late J. Lee Thompson (of Cape Fear and Guns of Navarone fame) is more akin to a psychological thriller or "whodunit" mystery than a flat-out slasher picture, and I was pleasantly surprised by this revelation. The plot revolves around a small group of teenagers and their disappearances coinciding around the time of one of their birthdays. The cast of characters are written to be a bit on the snobby side, which does make a lot of sense considering that they all attend a rather prestigious academy, but the highlight and main focus of the picture is Virginia Wainwright (played excellently by Little House on the Prairie's Melissa Sue Anderson), who seems to have gone through some pretty traumatic stuff in her childhood that could lead you to believe that perhaps she is either a cold-blooded killer or a classic "red herring." The plot does become a bit confusing at certain points and I do wish that they had been able to shave off at least ten minutes' worth of running time, but this was such a delight. Check it out.

DAYS 12-13:

Man oh man, I feel like punching myself for having slept on Don Mancini's new Chucky series for USA & SyFy (which is thankfully streaming in its entirety on Peacock). If I haven't stated it before, the Child's Play franchise has grown into perhaps a top 5 favorite for me personally and watching the growth of series mainstay and mastermind Don Mancini (who save for the remake, has had direct involvement in every single installment in some way shape or form) has been quite grand. The show follows teenager Jake Wheeler as he comes into possession of the now infamous "Good Guy" doll, and we slowly watch as not only does Chucky begin to do what he does best, but we witness him attempt to manipulate all of those around him into becoming just as depraved and sick as he is. The cast is all quite excellent and seeing fan favorites like Jennifer Tilly and Fiona Dourif reprise their roles from prior movies is a treat. The kills are also quite grand. The first episode contains a sequence involving Chucky vomiting and causing an electrocution. Once that had finished, I knew I was on board. If you are seeking out something extremely entertaining to watch for the month, I highly recommend it. Now to begin Season 2...

DAY 14:

In all seriousness, I go into further details regarding my thoughts about this supposed "final" entry in the Halloween franchise (or at least, for this new trilogy) on the Jortscenter Podcast Feed. Yes, I am plugging the podcast that I do with my friends. This pile of slop is proving to be very divisive among fans and I can understand arguments on both sides of why they do/do not enjoy it. Without going into too many spoilers, I will say that overall, I was not a fan of what essentially feels like the "Poochie" entry in the Halloween series. It didn't aggravate me the same way that its predecessor Halloween Kills did, but that is very faint praise for what I felt was an extremely frustrating experience.

DAY 15: 

I'm still perplexed as to why this film (which also goes by the much more straightforward title of "Insect") has such a bizarre title. Regardless, it was about damn time I got the chance to log another "natural" horror flick for Unseen Terror. I truly do wish that there were more killer bug movies out there that had some semblance of a budget or care put into the finished product. Blue Monkey (directed by future Goosebumps television series regular William Fruet) is a hoot of a big bug flick that pays an equal amount of homage to Alien as it does your prototypical "outbreak" motion picture. The acting is surprisingly quite serious for such an absurdly, silly film, but that just adds to its charm. Set primarily inside of a hospital, Blue Monkey follows as a small group of doctors struggling to survive the sudden, violent emergence of a rather large insect that seems intent on picking them off (when it isn't focused on somehow being to able to breed through hermaphroditic means). I have to thank the wonderfully talented Dr. Rebekah McKendry for turning me on to this movie's existence a number of years ago via her excellent "All the Colors of the Dark" podcast. While I am unsure as to whether it has seen a proper Blu-Ray release or not, you can currently seek it out on YouTube.

Side note: please do the Jortscenter podcast Bekah. We're uh, cool I swear.

DAY 16:

For the first time in goodness knows how long, I have no earthly idea how to review an entry for "Unseen Terror." You might stare at the poster for Dogface: A Trap House Horror and assume it's likely to be low budget garbage that wishes it were as cool as something like say, Bones or Tales from the Hood. You would be oh, so wrong though. This movie.........is in a league of its own. I can't call this a good film by any stretch of the imagination, but oh boy is it a fascinating experiment in trying to make a flick that thinks it is deep or even coherent. I suppose the best way that I can describe Dogface would be if notorious filmmaker Neil Breen decided to make Jacob's Ladder. Even then, that is nowhere near the right comparison I can make. I truly hope we can discuss this on a future podcast, or that the good folks at Red Letter Media can bring more attention to its sheer and utter weirdness. Recommended only for those who are in the mood for something absolutely batshit crazy and nonsensical.

DAY 17:

Ah yes, here's the (mostly) yearly Stephen King pick. To be brutally honest with you, I had no familiarity with Quicksilver Highway's mere existence until planning this year's list. Once I saw that it adapted one of my favorite King shorts ("Chattery Teeth") and also contained a Clive Barker adaptation for its second story, I was fully on board though. Plus, it has the wonderful Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit) as a central character/narrator and it's directed by the marvelous Mick Garris, who directed Critters 2 and wrote Hocus Pocus. What could go wr----you know where I'm going with this, don't you?

Alas this one was just such a colossal disappointment, and I don't think I can fault the fact that this was originally pitched as a TV pilot. More so, I'd just say that these particular stories don't quite work on the big OR small screen (especially when the severed CGI hands in Barker's story "The Body Politic" look worse than the animation in the "Money for Nothing" music video). The acting is serviceable at best and while each story is certainly memorable, they aren't especially scary or creepy. Unless you're a completist for Barker and King, you can skip right over this one.

DAY 18:

FINALLY, we close out this blog entry with what will undoubtedly go down as a highlight for this year's marathon. I had been meaning to watch Dario Argento's rather infamous Opera for quite a while, and truth be told it was supposed to end up on not only last year's (cancelled) list, but the past two ones before it! Burnout be damned this time around though. Once I saw that this beauty ended up on both Shudder AND Tubi, I felt as there was no excuse to miss it now. Plus, I need a GOOD Italian picture to erase the stench of Zombi 4 and Zombi 5.

The plot for Opera follows a young soprano understudy named Betty who has taken on the role of "Lady Macbeth" in a rather extravagant production of "Verdi's Macbeth." Though she was not the initial choice, her mentor is battling an injury that will keep her on the sidelines. During opening night, a stagehand is mysteriously murdered by an unknown assailant. In no short order, Betty finds herself being stalked by a maniac who seems more content with forcing her to watch those around her who she cares for suffer horrible fates, rather than kill her outright. The primary method in which they enact this sort of torture on poor Betty is what you see on the poster above: they tape needles underneath her eyes, so that she is forced to watch any killing that occurs. It is downright chilling and extremely unnerving in a way that only a maestro like Argento can pull off (as are all of the kills this time around). The score, composed by longtime associate Claudio Simonetti (joined this time by both Brian Eno and Bill Wyman!) also kicks a ton of ass and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to find a copy of it on vinyl ASAP.

There are a few gripes that I had with Opera though. For starters, the plot does feel a bit jumbled in spots. I had legitimately forgotten there was a rather important aspect to Betty's background that they seemed to just kinda forget until the very end. The dubbing is also very questionable, but that's Giallo for ya I suppose. Finally, I do wish that they had shaved off at least a few minutes. Minor complaints though.

Not sure what else I can say here (and that's mostly because I'm very tired). Go watch Opera. It slaps y'all.

Unseen Terror 2022: Days 4-6

My apologies for the delay. I have no excuse for being later than usual with these silly little reviews (well, besides lethargy and work). I do solemnly swear however that these entries from the past three days will make up for this. And besides, I can give you a brief history lesson about the following "franchise" for those of you reading who are unfamiliar with such.

To start off, not that it necessarily comes as a shocking revelation, but you should watch George Romero's classic feature Dawn of the Dead if you have yet to do so. It is inarguably one of the most prolific and influential motion pictures in the horror genre and changed the public's perception of the "undead" genre. Easy enough, yes? Well, here is where things become...complicated. When Dawn was released overseas, it was retitled Zombi. As I've mentioned in reviews from years prior, the Italians (bless their hearts) tended to film unofficial sequels to foreign films. Thus, Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2 was released as a "follow-up" to Dawn of the Dead. Both pictures have fuck all to do with one another, but uh, they have zombies! So, there's that! In America, Zombi 2 was released under the titles of both Zombie and Zombie Flesh Eaters (of which I have the soundtrack to on vinyl!) for legal reasons that should seem fairly obvious. Overseas, the Zombi series continued with a myriad of in-name-only sequels.

First up is 1988's Zombi 3, which while boasting the highest body count and best budget among the three, also has some ridiculously convoluted history itself. Zombi 3 was originally set to be directed by Zombi 2's director, the ultra-talented and sorely missed Lucio Fulci. Alas, he fell ill during filming (though some dispute that he was squabbling with producers) and left the project after shooting roughly 50-60% of it. The rest was left in the hands of fellow Italian schlockmaster Bruno Mattei. I've covered Mattei in the past on here and though I hate to speak ill of the dead, I am not the hugest fan of his body of work. Thankfully, most of Zombi 3 works due to Fulci's influence being far greater on the final product than that of the man who gave us Shocking Dark and Cruel Jaws. Zombi 3's plot revolves around scientists working on a biological weapon called "Death One," which shocker of shockers, falls into the wrong hands and is accidentally unleashed on a small island. You can take one guess as to what happens next, but despite some familiarities between this and other "outbreak" flicks (and characters that all kind of blend together), there is still a ton of fun to be had here. The gore is pretty great, the dubbing is hilariously terrible, and the soundtrack, while not on the same levels with other Italian horror classics, is still pretty rad. Highlight of the film easily goes to a zombie head in a refrigerator seemingly defying the laws of physics and speeding towards a person like a bullet to bite them on the neck. Good, goofy nonsense.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Zombie 4 (alternately released as After Death). I cannot understand how one concocts a plot that involves a voodoo priest, a gaggle of mercenaries who look like WWF jobbers from the 1980s, and the undead but manages to make it so unbelievably boring. Then again, when you've got the person behind Troll 2 and Monster Dog sitting in the director's chair, this movie barely stood a chance. If there are any positive aspects of Zombie 4, it is that the title track from its soundtrack is a certified banger and Jeff Stryker (primarily known for his work in pornographic flicks) does a fairly admirable job with the material he's given. Still, there is little reason to visit this one unless you have to watch literally every picture involving a zombie. Showing this to people who want to get into Italian horror is the equivalent to giving a curious, new metal fan "St. Anger" as their first Metallica album.

We finally come to Zombie 5, which goes by the much better title of Killing Birds. Without giving a large number of details away, the poster and title for this motion picture is a lie. Yes, there are birds. Yes, there is killing. There are no killing birds (the most damage dealt by one is via pecking out Robert Vaughn's eyes). There is also a criminally low amount of zombie action, and it takes a full HOUR before things start going truly awry. The story has something to do with students searching for woodpeckers in Louisiana and it leading to a blind man with ties to the undead. Or something. This was honestly a struggle to get through, and it doesn't help that much like the aforementioned Zombie 4, the movie just kind of...stops rather than ends. Side note: do you know how difficult it was to search for "Killing Birds" online without finding pictures that repulsed me?

While the latter two pictures are not of the highest quality, both of Lucio Fulci's previously mentioned features (as well as most of his filmography) are available for viewing and purchase and are definitely worth investing your time in. But fret not, we are not completely done with Italy this month! Come back soon for another evening with Dario Argento. As for tomorrow though? Well, I think Tobe Hooper has that day reserved.

Unseen Terror 2022: Day 3

It's no secret that I'm a pretty diehard "kaiju eiga" fanatic, which stems back to when I saw my first Godzilla films around the time that I was entering second grade. In the three decades that have followed, I've been able to witness the genre twist and turn into all sorts of directions while still retaining some of its utter majesty and, well, coolness. As technology advances forward (with the likes of The Big G and King Kong themselves being entirely digitally rendered now), a motion picture like 2019's Howl from Beyond the Fog is a welcome throwback to a time when these features were doing what they could with what they had in terms of financial backing (if any at all). In this case, Howl is a beautifully done low budget short film featuring a cast comprised of nothing but puppets.

No, you certainly didn't read that wrong. Remember what I said yesterday?

The story is set during Japan's Meiji era, which ran for close to sixty years back in the 1860s. A young man named Eiji returns to Kyushu to meet his mother but when he arrives, he is startled to meet a blind woman named Takiri living with her, who instructs him to never speak of their encounter because according to her she's "supposed to be dead." One evening he spots Takiri near a lake. She hums softly and summons a giant creature from the water. Initially frightened, Eiji flees, but soon discovers through Takiri that this monster (named "Nebula") is quite misunderstood. Around this same time, developers are attempting to convince Eiji's mother to sell her land to facilitate the construction of a dam. Without going too much into spoilers, things...don't go well.

What makes Howl feel like a such a special little piece isn't just its aforementioned filmmaking choice, but how much they're able to accomplish by nearly make you forget that you're staring at primarily stone-faced marionettes and dolls. It also has remarkably good atmosphere in utilizing fog and water effects without it looking very jarring or the contrast being too noticeable. The score is also artistically orchestrated but not overpowering. I suppose that if I were to have any complaints (other than wishing this was a full-length feature and not a short film) it would be that the voice acting is a bit on the hit-or-miss side. Eiji and Takiri's performers are very good, but the film's primary antagonists sound very static or unenthusiastic rather than menacing or cruel. Those are very minor complaints though, as the positives far outweigh the negatives here.

I'm likely preaching to the choir here, but Howl from Beyond the Fog is an essential watch for those who are searching for something that is a love letter to the kaiju genre that doesn't seem like pandering. It's a beautiful passion project made by and for fans who yearn for something a little different but not distinctly alien. Currently, it's streaming on both Amazon Prime and Tubi. The actual movie itself runs for about thirty minutes, and the second half of its "runtime" is a behind-the-scenes look at its inception and creation. Pretty sweet.

Oh, I didn't mention that Nebula is cool, did I? Because Nebula totally is.

Tomorrow, we're ditching class and elegance and going back to Italy for some BRAAAAIIIIINNSSS.

Unseen Terror 2022: Day 2

Look, I'm sure that I'm bound to make a few enemies by saying this, but I have to get it off of my chest: the original Hocus Pocus from 1993, while admittedly very fun, is a tad bit on the overrated side. Mind you, I do not dislike the film at all. I've enjoyed it going back to when I first saw it at a neighbor's Halloween party in (I want to say) 1994. I think Bette Midler is absolute fantastic in it. I think Doug Jones is immensely entertaining as Billy Butcherson. Do I consider it to be a bona fide classic in the genre though? That's kind of up for debate. Still, I was morbidly curious (and fearful) when they announced that a sequel to this (now) cult classic was being filmed and set to release exclusively on the Disney+ streaming service. Often times long overdue follow-ups end up disappointing to the degree where you tend to erase them from memory as fast as you possibly can (looking right at you Zoolander 2 and Anchorman 2).

Much to my surprise however, I found Hocus Pocus 2 to be pretty gosh darn fun. The plot isn't exactly complicated: two teenagers accidentally bring the abhorrent witches known as The Sanderson Sisters into modern day Salem and have to find a way to stop them from becoming all powerful and wreaking havoc upon the world. Simplistic storyline aside, I feel as though what makes a large chunk of this work is how enjoyable the cast is. The villainous Sanderson Sisters (who admittedly seem to be a tad toned down in terms of evilness this time around) are as splendid as they were thirty years prior, with Midler in particular just writhing in ecstasy every time that she gets to be the main focus. I also found Kathy Najimy to be far less irritating than she was in the first picture. Sarah Jessica Parker is...well, she's just swell. Yeah. As for their adversaries though? They're kind of a mixed bag. Whitney Peak (of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina fame) is a decent enough protagonist, but her companions feel a bit on the cliched side. On the "adult" side of things, we are blessed with the presence of the always entertaining Sam Richardson (whom you will likely recognize from television shows such as Veep and I Think You Should Leave) and a welcomed return of the aforementioned Doug Jones. The two of them have far better chemistry than anyone could have expected.

Here's where I may bum some readers out though: yes performance-wise, Midler, Najimy, and Parker are very good. But oof do they kind of drop the ball with the writing of their characters. Comical as they may be, there was still some hint of menace and malicious intent behind those ridiculous costumes in the first feature. Building up just the comedy and downplaying the fact that they are, y'know, witches who KILL AND EAT CHILDREN was certainly a choice, but I feel as though it will affect how many times a viewer is likely to revisit it. There is also an attempt to make them more sympathetic through an opening prologue that while amusing, reminds one of how Disney seems far too keen on utilizing the "sympathetic villain" trope. It was one thing in Maleficent, but I'm still pretty appalled by the fact they tried to make the titular character in Cruella likeable. This has also been bleeding over into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and I am kindly asking that you please stop this. Oh, and some of the CGI seemed rushed. There's that too.

Still, I'm legitimately shocked that I enjoyed this as much as I did. Perhaps watching with the right company can enhance one's enjoyment of this silly romp and help you ignore some of its weaknesses. Truth be told, there is a slim-to-none chance that anyone watching this hasn't seen its predecessor, but much like with this year's Clerks III, you can tell that it was made for that particular fanbase and nobody else. As it so obviously says on the poster, Hocus Pocus 2 is streaming on Disney+ and I don't see it leaving that platform anytime soon.

Tomorrow, we head to Japan for a kaiju flick unlike any other!

....no, seriously!