The Loved Ones Review

Teenager Brent Mitchell is approaching the one time all high schoolers dream of besides graduation: the high school prom. He and his girlfriend Holly are anticipating for it to be wonderful, as is his best friend Jamie. Nothing ever goes right in your teenage years though. After Brent turns down an offer to the prom from his classmate Lola, she and her father exact revenge on the boy, kidnapping him and preparing him for a truly memorable night...


I can give this film credit for one thing; it made me feel less embarrassed that I skipped my prom in 2003 and opted to go to a concert instead. That and it is further evidence that everything (and everyone) in Australia is looking to inflict harm upon you. This is a fairly twisted, but also surprisingly funny horror film that I think most fans of the genre will enjoy.

There is a very distinguishing tone that this film sets after Brent is kidnapped, and you can't help but feel incredibly nervous for him. Xavier Samuel plays the character well, and there isn't a moment that goes by where you don't like him. He felt like someone I could have been friends with during my days in high school (and not just because he's a metalhead), as did most of the cast of characters. Honestly, everyone does a pretty solid job here and nobody is phoning it in. Thankfully the film doesn't just consist of pure torture throughout the surprisingly short running time, as there is also a side story with Jamie's equally strange prom night. The Jamie story sharply contrasts that of Brent's, and while it is a tad bit cliched, I think it was needed. If the film had been nothing BUT torture, I think it would have lost steam and gotten stale.

The real star here is Robin McLeavy, who is positively twisted and immediately memorable as Lola "Princess" Stone, the antagonist of the film. She brings a combination of dementia and blissful ignorance to this character with a tiny bit of "realism" that ends up elevating it to another level. If Asami from Audition had a better relationship with her father, you'd get her. To say that she doesn't take rejection well would be an understatement. I hope she gets more work in the future, particularly in the horror field.

It took three years for this to hit the states. Admittedly, I had never heard of this film until approximately four or five months ago, but I can assure you that the film is worth the wait, no matter how long or how short you may have been waiting for an official release. Some might complain about a revelation that is made halfway through the film, citing it as predictable or flat out unresolved, but given that The Loved Ones tries for a more realistic feel, it isn't hard to answer the question yourself.

With the 31 Days of Horror Marathon coming soon, this serves as a nice precursor to it. Skimming through online websites, I discovered that this ISN'T on Blu-Ray, nor does it contain anything pertaining to extras. That complaint lies more with the distributors rather than the filmmakers, as this is my favorite horror film that I've seen since I Saw The Devil. When Cabin In The Woods is released next week, however, I may have to retract that statement.

The Amazing Spider-Man Review

Peter Parker is your average high school teen. Socially awkward, living with his aunt and uncle, vying for a girl he may or may not be able to get, swinging around New York as a masked crime fighter....alright, so one of those things separates him from most other teenagers. As Peter starts to discover more about his newfound powers, he also starts uncovering clues about the disappearance of his parents, and the ties his father had to man named Curt Connors...


Scary newsflash: it has only been ten years since Sam Raimi's Spider-Man hit cinemas. After the second sequel to Raimi's monstrously successful film was met with much fan backlash, and Raimi himself decided he was done with ol' web-head, Sony Pictures made the decision to go with a reboot of the franchise, rather than risk another sequel (and after reading up on their plans for Spider-Man 4, thank merciful christ that they did). So was it even necessary? Well...

Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone make an infinitely better Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy than Tobey Maguire and Bryce Dallas Howard ever did, though in the case of the latter, she was barely in the much maligned Spider-Man 3 as it was. They have good chemistry, but I have to say Peter's hairstyle and passion for skateboarding made it painfully obvious that they were trying to appeal to the younger generation of today (i.e. the Twilight crowd). I've never understood the need for such a thing considering Spidey's popularity has never particularly waned, even before the Raimi trilogy came out. Garfield's discovery of his powers is rather fun however, even if it does get dragged out some. The supporting cast is fairly competent, and the actors portraying Flash Thompson and Curt Connors (Chris Zylka and Rhys Ifans) were both quite good. Somewhat ironic considering Zylka stunk so badly in Piranha 3DD, but that's another story.

Speaking of Ifans, despite my praise of his Curt Connors, I thought the Lizard himself was incredibly mediocre. It looked more akin to a Killer Croc cosplay rather than a man who had mutated into a giant reptilian/human hybrid. And honestly, was the addition of the character having arguments with himself really needed? We already had that with Norman Osborn, there was no need to revisit it. The fight sequences are pretty spectacular (whoops, guess that's a pun. Bleh), with the school fight and bridge scenes almost making up for the underwhelming last minutes of the movie itself.

One last complaint (and this'll be my last) was the absolutely non-existant relationship between Aunt May and Peter. The relationship between Ben Parker and Peter is handled well here, though with a less impacting death than it deserved. Afterwards, you never even get the sense that Peter cares for her, and there barely feels like any connection between the two. Anyone who has ever read a Spider-Man comic, or even glimpsed at one, knows how much the man cares for her and how he'd bend over backwards to keep her happy and safe. Perhaps they'll rectify this is a sequel, but who really knows. After all, according to the generation of now, older people be whack yo!

Overall, this is still a very fun film. It still feels too soon to reboot this franchise, but I'm interested to see where they take this new Spider-man. I've heard that plans will include two sequels, with actor J.K. Simmons expressing interest in returning as J. Jonah Jameson. Personally, I'd love to see him back, and I'd like to see some of the darker storylines in the comics explored and adapted to the big screen.

Then again, sometimes when we ask for that, we get Daredevil.

*shudder*

Brave Review

Young Scottish Princess Merida has reached her teen years, and as is customary in her kingdom, she must pick a suitor in order to preserve peace between the lands. A visibly and vocally unhappy Merida would rather choose her own fate and future though, as opposed to following what her family (specifically her mother) wants her to do. These choices may bring about turmoil and trouble to her family and kingdom, however, and soon the princess must undo a dangerous curse that could change everything for the worse.



I'd like to start off this review with the usual praise reserved for any and all Pixar films (outside of the Cars franchise), but I'd be lying to myself if that were the case. Brave is Pixar's thirteenth full length feature film, and perhaps thirteen really IS an unlucky number. Don't be mistaken, this isn't a terrible film by any means, but it has it's fair share of flaws. Let's start off with the positives.

For starters, the film is wonderfully gorgeous to look at at. I almost feel dirty praising visuals in anything nowadays, seeing as how it isn't a valid excuse for a film being lackluster anymore (case in point, The Last Airbender looks pretty, but is a hollow piece of excrement inside). Pixar's animators and the like continue to get better, and scenes that explore the splendor of the outdoors are truly breathtaking, even if it is in a cartoon. The voice acting is top notch as well, with Kelly Macdonald and Emma Thompson doing fantastic jobs as Merida and her mother Elinor. Billy Connelly is entertaining as Merida's father, but was on the verge of crossing over into the "over-the-top" realm. Thankfully the Scottish accents aren't reaching the level of incomprehensible either, so you won't be asking for a rewind of any particular scenes. The score is fine too, with a mixture of flutes, bagpipes, and various other instruments that add to the atmosphere and occasional fun vibe of the film.

I feel like I absolutely have to address the negatives though, as much as I am opposed to doing it. This is friggin' Pixar, I fear I may burst into flames with any criticism. All things considered, the story and the structure it has is rather simple, which is surprising for this studio. It plays out in a fairly predictable manner, with no real surprises to speak of. It felt more akin to a Dreamworks production at times. I also thought the film ran rather quickly, and had they decided to add on another twenty minutes or so, we could have gotten more well rounded characters and less throwaway ones. Finally, this film lacks a strong villain. We're alluded as to who it may be earlier in the film, and when we finally meet the villain, they have a total screen time of perhaps ten to fifteen minutes. It is massively underwhelming and incredibly disappointing, especially considering how vital and vibrant someone like Lotso was in Toy Story 3.

All of those complaints aside, I can still recommend Brave, though not strongly. When this film is finally released on DVD and Blu-Ray, give it a rent and judge it for yourself. It does have a better message than most pieces of media targeted to young girls in 2012, so surely that can't be a bad thing.

Jersey Shore Shark Attack Review (Plus Some News for October!)

You know, I don't want to waste much time on this one, so I'm not giving it a dignified synopsis or plot summary. It hasn't earned one.

First and foremost, this is NOT a movie based around the 1916 shark attacks that occurred with sharks swimming up the Jersey Shore and attacking people. No, that would be too interesting (though it is referenced here). Instead, I propose a question: have you ever wanted to see the increasingly annoying and popular cast of the now-canceled Jersey Shore get devoured by killer sharks? Well...this isn't the film for you then. Also, this may contain spoilers. Why? Because, fuck you, that's why.

This goes beyond dumb. It isn't even the enjoyable kind of dumb you can get with a Roger Corman flick; it just ends up being a real chore to watch. It fails as a comedy, it fails as a horror film, and it fails as a parody. The best you can do with parodying something easy to lambast and tear apart in the first place is change the names of the main characters from "Snooki" and "The Situation" to "Nookie" and "The Complication?" For fuck's sake, who were your inspirations, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer? For that matter, who is this suppose to appeal to? These characters are our heroes throughout the agonizing ninety minutes this film takes to finish, and the production values and script aren't going to be enough to convince fans to stay around (the sharks themselves look similar to Wadzilla from Chillerama, but with a budget that makes Gwar's stage show look like Tom Savini's). Non-fans will be equally outraged and irritated when they discover that NONE of the cast is killed. No, you didn't misread that, I said NONE. It even degenerates into a Jaws parody at the halfway point, but you'll be too bored to care. Joey Fatone shows up temporarily, most likely to collect a meal check, and is promptly killed within no time. Joey "Coco" Diaz shows up for approximately three minutes and is given absolutely nothing to do other than look concerned and die an incredibly LAME death. Paul Sorvino just looks embarrassed to be here, and I can't blame him. Going from Goodfellas to Jersey Shore Shark Attack certainly isn't the path you expected your career to take. I would have said the same thing about Tony Sirico from The Sopranos showing up, but that was less surprising considering his track record isn't exactly perfect outside of portraying Paulie Walnuts.

I know some will attempt to defend this and say that because this was most likely intended to be a bad film, that it shields itself from any criticism whatsoever. I call BULLSHIT. As I've stated before, the best kind of bad films aren't made with any intention of turning out bad, they're the ones that directors and screenwriters conjure up with only awards and/or financial success in mind. Films like The Room, Troll 2, Manos: The Hands of Fate, and Shark Attack 3: Megalodon are great examples of bad movies worth viewing at least once in your lifetime. This one just stinks, and is somehow even worse than the show they're attempting to mock.

A

V

O

I

D






Well now that I've gone through THAT mess, I have some very fun news to announce: last year's 31 Days of Horror blog is returning this year! I'm currently assembling another list of thirty one horror films that I've never seen in their entirety/never seen whatsoever, and am planning on blogging for every single one of them. As before, there will be some surprises in there, such as a few Stephen King adaptations that I've never bothered to watch until now, and even a few more "necessary" horror films that come highly recommended by horror purists around the world. Stay tuned for more news regarding this year's incarnation!

Martha Marcy May Marlene Review

One morning in the mountains, a young woman named Martha flees from a cult that has damaged her emotional being over the course of time. Though urged to return by a fellow member, she refuses the offer and calls her sister for help, who picks her up and agrees to take care of her, at least while trying to figure out the vague details of Martha's disappearance for the last two years, and deal with what remains of her sanity (if any does at all).




Well the latest batch of Redbox reviews has concluded and I saved the best, and possibly only good one, for last. Hell, all I had to do was suffer through two bad handycam films and a delayed Eddie Murphy comedy in order to get my reward. Martha Marcy May Marlene, though certainly a mouthful of a movie, is a rather good indie drama with great performances abound. Elizabeth Olsen plays the title character, though that mercifully isn't her full name, but rather a collection of aliases she takes throughout the film's running time. I've heard some folks call her the lone wolf in the Olsen family, and it isn't hard to see why. The lady can act, conveying a great deal of emotions and making you believe that she truly has been broken by what this cult has put her through, as she can't seem to even readjust to some of the most basic rules of life. We're dealt a good number of flashbacks dealing with everything from Martha's first days in the cult (which is lead by the always awesome and rather gangly-looking John Hawkes), to what finally may have pushed her over the edge and led to her self-imposed exile. She also doesn't look like a mogwai, which is helpful, but it isn't a huge issue.


The film is a challenge at times to get through, and perhaps that is an intentional parallel to what Martha's sister and her husband are feeling with her sudden insertion into their lives. Sarah Paulson plays Martha's sister Lucy, and you could argue that the film is just as much about her than it is her younger sibling. It is rather surprising to see her tolerance for everything going on around her, even if it does involve family. The audience might get annoyed with some of the remarkable amount of patience from Lucy, but anyone who has ever witnessed behavior akin to post-cult inclusion (even on television or in print) will be more understanding.

All of that being said, I think some will be turned off by a handful of the ambiguous moments in the film. The last twenty minutes of the film, despite containing some of the best scenes in it's one hundred minute running time (which is criminally short for a story like this), do feel like they're leading up to something that never quite comes to be. There were hints of horror or suspenseful drama poking through, but it was almost like they were saving it for another segment that never comes to be. It is a minor complaint, sure, but a complaint nonetheless.

Regardless, Martha Marcy May Marlene is a very good film filled with great performances, though it JUST stops itself short from becoming a great film. If this one pops up on Netflix or television within the near future, I urge you to check it out. I'm definitely interested in the future projects of Ms. Olsen now, and I may even have to give the Silent House remake a shot now that it was just released to home video as well.

Project X Review

On the night of their friend Thomas' birthday, three friends set out to film and put on the most monumental party that one could possibly imagine. Over time however, things start to spiral out of control, as word of the party's existence takes things from 1, to 10, to beyond even that...




STRAIGHT! EDGE! REVENGE!


is nowhere to be found here. This is an exercise in insanity and partying, with Todd Phillips (Old School, The Hangover) serving as producer and a large cast of unknowns or first time actors taking the lead(s). Project X sets out to be not just an incredible party movie, but possibly THE party of the decade. Keep in mind that we're only 2 years into the new decade however, so while the bar is most likely high after this, it can, and will be broken. It is also the second time that someone has recorded a found footage film in the realm of comedy, the other being the already forgotten The Virginity Hit. So does it succeed, at least for the time being?

My apologies if the usual movie description beneath the poster seems a bit vague. Unfortunately, there really isn't any sort of plot to the film whatsoever, outside of "Let's throw a party and try to get as crazy as humanly possible." I'm alright with large parties in films, but I prefer to have a little something else mixed in, such as likable or even realistic characters or so long as the film doesn't go through the motions. With the former, I wasn't so lucky. I loathed nearly all of the main stars from the start, and there really isn't anything particularly sympathetic about any of them. The character of Costa, played by Oliver Cooper, is irritating to the point of being a cartoon character. Imagine the worst characteristics of a "wigger" combined with that obnoxious rich kid you knew at some point on in your life, and he's that to a tee. J.B. and Thomas, the other main characters, are your cliched fat kid and loser. At least Seth and Evan in Superbad felt like they could have been human beings, these just felt like fictional beings that were written over the course of one drunken night in college while struggling in creative arts. With the latter, the film does run out of steam at times, even when things get incredibly hectic. Hell, even the soundtrack seemed like it was trying too hard to stay in touch, as odd as that might sound.

"But Ryan, who gives a crap about the plot? Or the characters? Does the party deliver?" It absolutely does. The main gathering in Project X is a pretty large one, and a rather epic one at that. It is the one truly redeeming factor to this otherwise dumb film. It even made me pine for the days when I was younger and more foolhardy and didn't have to worry about odd work hours squandering any opportunity to "get fucked up." There was a brief second where I myself wondered "You know, I bet I could pull off something like this some day." Thankfully, that thought disappeared once things truly did get out of control, though it takes quite some time for that to occur.

Make no mistake about it, this isn't a particularly good film. It uses the handycam style in order to attempt and fool you into thinking that it has a single original bone in it's body. You're better off watching Superbad, Risky Business, or The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down. But in all honesty, I really couldn't bring myself to hate it. If you stumble across this on cable late night, or it pops up on your Netflix Instant Queue with no other titles worth viewing at the moment, you could do worse.

The Devil Inside Review

In 1989, Maria Rossi committed three murders in the midst of an attempted exorcism. Twenty years later, Maria's daughter Isabella is filming a documentary about exorcisms, and hopes to uncover more about what happened to her own mother through a series of unauthorized exorcisms and a visit to the psych ward in Rome housing Maria herself, though she may have wished she stayed in America...





Well as you can tell from my last review, I've been feeling like a sadist lately and have the urge to satiate myself with atrocious cinema. And what luck! William Brent Bell's found footage film The Devil Inside might be just the film to fulfill that need. Oh Mr. Bell, I haven't forgotten about you. After all, your laughably bad 2006 horror film Stay Alive spawned an early, if not short lived, internet meme did it not?

First and foremost, let's face facts: the found footage genre is already running it's course. True, we'll get a gem like Troll Hunter once in a while, but outside of that, most of it is comprised of sequels, remakes, or "more of the same." The Devil Inside falls into the category of the latter, though it isn't derivative of better found footage films, but just better horror films in general. Shades of The Exorcist, [REC] (okay, that IS a found footage film, but bare with me), and even Evil Dead II can be found here, except with none of the soul or scares that peppered those releases. And no, I don't count having cheap jump scares as real scares these days, you should be able to induce fear without the means for that cheap tactic. Above all else though, while the film is soulless and outright eye-roll inducing with it's insistency that this could be legitimately real, it is agonizingly tedious and boring. I was struggling to even make amusing commentary while viewing it due to how uninteresting it turned out to be. Mind you, this is a film about possession and exorcism, two subjects that can still instill terror in the hearts of most people these days, so that certainly wasn't the best of signs. Chemistry between all actors and actresses present seems to be nonexistent too, as Isabella's concern for her mother felt rather forced and not genuine whatsoever, and the priests assisting her in her documentary display Wiseau-level acting at times.

When the film isn't boring you to death, it gives you some truly unintentional comedic gold. Heck, I laughed more at this than A Thousand Words, though I suppose that wasn't hard considering that the latter got approximately two chuckles out of me. Scenes of Maria having her fits on camera are too reminiscent of those "drunk and drugged out prisoners" scenes you'd find on a TRU TV special from the 2000s. A scene with a priest attempting to drown a baptized infant in holy water had me laughing instead of being shocked, but then again, I also masturbated furiously to Visitor Q, so maybe I'm to blame rather than the film.*

All of that being said, there IS one glaring problem most audiences, even those who enjoyed it, have had with the film. I feel the need to say that I can't recall the last time I've witnessed a more ridiculous or flat out INSULTING ending to any film, be it horror or not. It did the honor of taking this film out of the "bad, but mostly just forgettable" territory into the "FUCK. THIS. MOVIE." territory, and all within less than ten seconds. I'd spoil it here just to piss off those who do have any interest in spending their hard earned money on it, but I feel that by even typing it out, I may be sent into an uncontrollable rage, and that it might result in a broken keyboard. So instead, I insist that you just ask me in person or on one of those social networking sites that seem to be all the rage these days.

The Devil Inside might have been one of the first films released this year, but it also stands as one of the worst. Its an unoriginal, stupid, non-threatening, and weak attempt at horror that just continues to prove how much the American horror movie market is hurting. The film's early buzz presented it as "The film the Vatican doesn't want you to see!" and I can only guess that can be due to the Vatican having better taste than most people would believe (and this is coming from a pretty stern agnostic). I know for a fact that WBB is working on a third project in the horror field set sometime for a 2013 release, and I'll bet my entire vinyl collection that one of two things will occur prior to it's release:

-It won't be released in any month not named January or February.
-Movie studios WON'T advertise it as "From the Director of The Devil Inside."































































*No, I didn't really wank it to Visitor Q you silly billies. Cigarette Burns on the other hand...