Ancient History and Ancient Aliens

Well I'll admit, I don't particularly have anything too creative to come up with when it comes to a title with this post. So, I'll just state that this is a double review for two different films I saw two days in a row. But, for the first time in quite some time (if not ever), I saw them both in theaters! Hooray overpriced tickets and heavily buttered popcorn!

Alien criminal Boris the Animal has escaped his maximum security prison on the moon, intent on taking revenge on the man who imprisoned him and cost him his arm 43 years ago; Agent K of the Men in Black. He intends to do this through the means of time travel, and it falls upon the duty of Agent J, K's longtime partner, to travel back to 1969 himself and prevent history from being altered for the much, much worse.

I love the very first Men in Black. It's a perfect blend of action, comedy, and general sci-fi geekiness that rubs me just the right way. Okay, I admit that sounded a bit bizarre, but bare with me throughout these reviews today. I'm not quite sure what happened with the sequel though, as I thought it felt lazy, boring, and was just all around uninteresting, with nothing to offer except for a pug in a tuxedo and Lara Flynn Boyle in her underwear (admittedly, both not bad things, but when they're the ONLY good parts of your movie, you might have messed up). I was quite nervous when the news of a new MIB film being written, directed and filmed made the way to the internet and assorted movie news sites, as I'm sure most were.

Thankfully, this installment does everything right that the second film did wrong, and even brings things full circle in a way that I didn't think was possible. If you missed the great interactions between Agents J & K from the first film, you'll get your fill here with two equally great performances from Josh Brolin (the younger K) and Tommy Lee Jones (the older K). Brolin's impression of Jones isn't a complete impression, seeing as how this also may provide an insight as to how and why K acts so stoic and serious post-1969, but it is certainly one of the best things to take away at the end of the day. Will Smith looks like he's having a blast too, which I can't say was too surprising seeing as how the original film helped make him into the mega star he is today and he hasn't acted in anything for nearly 3 years prior to this film's release. The rest of the cast is pretty solid too, with Emma Thompson as new head chief Agent O being an absolutely wonderful addition to the franchise. Rip Torn's Zed is sadly deceased according to the film's opening 10 minutes, which I assume is due to Torn himself either turning down the role or not being well enough for filming. Sadly, there are a few other familiar faces that are absent from the film as well, like Jeebs the Alien and Frank the Pug (the latter's actor is deceased, so that may be understandable), but you'll quickly get over it. As for the main villain, I felt a bit conflicted. I like Jemaine Clement, but I thought Boris could have been funnier and been given a little bit of better dialogue. Casting Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls as his "girlfriend" also seemed to serve as more of an excuse to say "Hey! Look who we got to make out with this ugly guy!" That being said, the cameos that you do spot in here ARE pretty darn amusing.

The film's also got some very well done special effects (courtesy of the usually bad ass Rick Baker) and cinematography, though it gets a tad bit messy midway through it's running time. It's a minor complaint though, and it certainly isn't as headache-inducing as something like the Transformers films can be. The work done on Boris is pretty darn impressive too, considering it apparently took over 4 hours to apply Clement's makeup. He was damn near unrecognizable, save for his voice, which was eerily reminiscent of Tim Curry this time around. Danny Elfman's catchy and memorable score returns as well, albeit slightly tweaked, but still reminding you of the strange and fun universe that you're stuck in.

Overall, this sequel is about as much fun as you would hope it'd be, and will mercifully erase most of your bad memories caused by the second film. Seriously, that movie was just....weak. Men in Black 3 though, is anything but weak or bad in my mind. I had a fantastic time.

Unlike the NEXT film I have to review though....

In 1818, a young Abraham Lincoln witnesses his mother being attacked in the night by Jack Barts, the plantation owner who employs his father. When his mother dies from the attack days later, and his father confesses that Barts poisoned her, Abraham waits nine years to plot and exact his revenge, but is overpowered by the supernatural Barts, who is revealed to be a vampire. Thankfully, Lincoln is saved by a mysterious stranger named Henry Sturgess, who convinces the soon-to-be president to train in the art of hunting the foul beasts, and ridding the earth of them.








I'll just start off this review with one simple sentence:

If you heard of the concept for this, be it the film or the novel that it is based off of, and scoffed at it or scorned it, then I can not convince you to see it.



Me? Well...I really dug it.


Okay, so I lied above. But then again, so does the title character throughout a decent portion of the movie. Kind of goes against the whole "Honest Abe" part of history that so many know about doesn't it? That's the beauty of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter though, a film that knows it is completely absurd and completely historically inaccurate, but plays it with such a serious face and good nature that it was hard to dislike for this unabashed geek and lover of B-cinema.

Firstly, I must give praise to the action sequences, especially in the film's first half. This contained some of the very best fight scenes I've witnessed in an American film in quite some time, with the highlight undoubtably being a chase and battle sequence that is stuck in the middle of a stampede (horse lovers might cringe a bit though. Sorry mom). While I thought some of the camera work seemed disorienting at times, the sheer amount of good thought and creativity put into the fights themselves makes it all worthwhile. There is a good atmosphere set throughout the film too, with good use of lighting and fog.

The cast is all fairly solid, with Dominic Cooper (from last year's Captain America and The Devil's Double) and Benjamin Walker (Kinsey) being the highlights for me. Mary Elizabeth Winstead plays Mary Todd Lincoln, and does a respectable job, though part of me wonders if she knows she's just giving us nerds even more of an excuse to worship the ground she walks on. Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker), Jimmi Simpson (Liam McPoyle from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia!), and Alan Tudyk (Firefly, Dodgeball, Tucker and Dale vs. Evil) also show up in the supporting cast and deliver rather fun performances. I'd say the weaker aspects of the film fall upon it's main villains though, who were more unremarkable than they were terrible. It's a shame too considering how much I liked Rufus Sewell in Dark City, but that film came out fourteen years ago. In addition to some rather vanilla villains, the film does lose a bit of luster after Lincoln is elected President, but it thankfully picks up steam after that particular lull in the script. Finally, there are some minor plot holes that the most "nitpicky" of folks will no doubt have a field day with, but may I remind you, you ARE paying money for/downloading a film called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

And that's just it, I knew what to expect. I will reiterate what I stated above: if you rolled your eyes at this film's existence, or said anything along the lines of "That looks fucking DUMB," you are not the target audience for this film. If you're not afraid to let your geek flag fly, or just kick back and have a good old fashioned cheesy time, you should be willing to dedicate some of your free time to this undead-hating Republican. As for Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, well, I might have to get back to you on that one.

Okay, in actuality, I don't think I'll ever get to you on that one. I despise the Asylum.

Prometheus Review

In the year 2089, a group of scientists and archaeologists have unearthed a "star map" which connects multiple ancient cultures, including those foreign to that of mankind. They set out on board the spaceship codenamed "Prometheus" in search of who left the map for humanity to discover. This may lead to the origins of mankind itself, or it may lead to our own demise...




Alright, I'm absolutely SURE you're familiar with this film by now. The marketing has been near impossible to miss, and this is director Ridley Scott's first foray back into the science fiction genre since Blade Runner. Heck, it's even a prequel (though he himself won't officially state it) to his 1979 classic Alien. But does the film live up to all that monumental hype and anticipation? Well, yes and no.

(Note: I will NOT try and spoil anything for this review)

Now, before we get things started, yes this DOES have a connection to Alien, despite what Scott himself might say. You'd have to be either blind or have never seen the original film to argue it. There are nods aplenty to it scattered throughout, and those with a keen eye and good memory will be able to spot them. The special effects and visual effects in this are absolutely astonishing at times, as is some of the cinematography. There is a certain mix of fascination and hesitation that is prevalent without being too overbearing or discombobulating. The moments of suspense and horror that pop up may perhaps shock you or at the very least, make you cringe in your seat. Exploring a unique mythology in a universe that constantly surprises you almost makes you able to ignore the film's shortcomings.

This brings me to the main flaws with Prometheus, and that is the script. There are no real gripes with plot holes, nor are there any with the acting. My main problem was the characters, or rather, lack thereof. There are SEVENTEEN people aboard the "Prometheus" and that is just way too many for a film that barely runs over two hours. The original Alien had only seven characters for you to remember, and none of them were particularly close to cannon fodder. They were all fairly well developed, well written, and distinctive. I can't say the same for this cast. Outside of Michael Fassbender (the best character in the film in my humble opinion) and Noomi Rapace (whose character does grow a slight bit), everybody is a cardboard cutout of a character. Even the greats like Idris Elba and Charlize Theron (hottest African woman ever?) are borrowing queues from the Big Book of Cliches. Then again, I suppose I can't expect much from the writer of 2011's critically panned The Darkest Hour and the producer of the horrendously disappointing Cowboys & Aliens when they're put in charge of writing remotely interesting human beings. It won't necessarily bring down your overall enjoyment of the film, but it may keep it stuck as an "okay" to "good" film rather than a "great" one.

The editing in this film also had me upset. Prior to watching Scott's film tonight, I viewed James Cameron's Director's Cut of Aliens again. It's astonishing to see how you can improve an already outstanding film by adding in lost/cut footage, especially considering that it doesn't work all the time (I'm looking at you Donnie Darko). I would adore seeing a director's cut of this project, as I'm curious as to how much was left on the cutting room floor. Perhaps some proper character introductions and development? Or even more explanation about what our team discovers later while exploring caverns on the undisclosed (and unnamed) planet?

Whatever the case, I still enjoyed this film quite a bit. I'm not quite sure how the general audience reaction will turn out to be after this weekend, though I've already heard very mixed feelings from all sides. Some saying they think it might be "too smart" for it to truly do well, others saying that it is "The Phantom Menace" of the Alien franchise (to which I say, if you think this is worse than Alien Resurrection or either of the Vs. films, you should hesitate when it comes to breeding). Just be forewarned: it is NOT in the same vein as Alien, and you are setting yourself up for massive disappointment if you expect it to be. It's its own little unique sort of monster (pun possibly intended...aw crap, was that a spoiler?). Go see it for yourself and let me know what you think.

Piranha 3DD Review

Previously, at Lake Victoria, an incident occurred that left hundreds dead from an attack by prehistoric piranha. One year later, thanks to a couple of incompetent farmers, a freshly hatched school of the fish decide to make their way to a newly opened water park in Arizona, hungry for young, exposed, nubile flesh.


Though I completely understand and even somewhat agree with the criticisms of 2010's Piranha 3D, a very loose remake of Joe Dante's 1978 Jaws knockoff Piranha, I'll still confess to being a fan and having had an absolute blast watching it in theaters when it was released. When I first heard news of this film's existence, I was skeptical, especially knowing that more than likely, little to none of the original cast and crew would return (only partially true). Then, over time, more and more names were being attached to the project which instilled confidence in me that the project was going to be even better than it's predecessor. John Gulager (the Feast trilogy) was attached to direct, David Hasselhoff and Gary Busey signed on as co-stars, and it was being filmed in my own backyard! Well, okay, not LITERALLY my own backyard, but Wilmington, NC would be able to lay claim to having Piranha 3DD filmed over the course of several weeks to a month. Then the trailer surfaced, which excited me more than I thought was possible. It looked to be just as silly and over-the-top as Alexandre Aja's 2010 bloodbath was, if not even more so.

Alas, I always go back to one simple quote that film critic Martin Thomas/Leon from the oh so awesome spill.com said several years ago: "Trailers Lie."

This is a colossally disappointing sequel that promises much more than it actually delivers. I could spend hours picking this apart, but I'll try and contain it within a few paragraphs. The first real problem comes from the initial title of the film, which promises (perhaps exactly) twice the amount of blood, boobs, and general badassery from the first.

Yeah...that isn't the case.

Most of the blood and gore feels significantly tamer than the previous film, which is especially shocking considering Gulager's previous work. A small part of me suspects that there may have been some meddling around during production which would prevent this film from being as horrific as it could have been. It is entirely possible that the blame falls on Gulager himself though, who I'm starting to view as a one trick pony, considering this is the third time in a row that he's released something considered a "disappointment" by fans and critics alike. As far as the second "b," yes there is an ample amount of flesh exposed (from both genders) but they are mostly quick flashes, so anybody looking to add this to the "spank bank" history books may be more irritated than aroused. For the third "b," thankfully there ARE some relatively cool scenes involving Ving Rhames (who is uncredited) and David Hasselhoff (one of the two things worth remembering in this film, the other being a line uttered by 30 Rock actress Katrina Bowden), but it doesn't make the film worth spending $7-10 on if you ask me.

Speaking of the cast, most of them range from looking bored (David Koechner), to being barely in it whatsoever (Gary Busey, Clu Gulager), to acting and looking like confused llamas (Meagan Tandy). I know I shouldn't expect oscar-caliber acting from something of this nature, but jesus, at least TRY to look like you're having fun. You were essentially filming most of this in a water park and were surrounded by a plethora of attractive naked people, not to mention that Wilmington IS the 10th drunkest city in the nation, so surely you could find inspiration somewhere else in case of boredom. Oops, almost went on a rant there.

Finally, while I watched this in 2D (don't have the capability of viewing 3D films from Time Warner Cable), it seemed like the 3D was more half-assed than the previous film as well. I doubt my opinion of the finished product would have been altered much with a 3D screening though.


I just can't strongly recommend this. If it comes on cable within the next few months (more than likely), or appears on Netflix soon (also more than likely), you may get some cheap laughs here and there, but otherwise, stay away.

Safe Travels Hon

Within 14 hours, I will be on the road to my home state of Maryland. Though previous trips have left me with mixed feelings in the end, I can honestly say that I'm ecstatic to leave this state for the first time in almost 2 years. For one, I will be seeing family and friends that I don't see nearly enough. But another reason will occur on Thursday and will last through Sunday...




MARYLAND DEATH FEST!



I haven't been to a multi-day festival in quite some time (3 years to be exact) and there are so many bands I am beyond excited to see. I can only hope that the parking situation in Baltimore won't be a complete nightmare for me, but you never really know these days.


And yes, I will be happy to post a full review when I return, though I also have to play a show the day that I return to North Carolina (with Church of Misery, who I'll also be checking out when I'm up north). Heck, I might even post a "haul" video if I'm so inclined to. So keep your eyes and ears peeled if you're interested.


Until then, keep it classy NC...

My Review of THE GREY (2012)

A team of oil drillers find themselves stranded in the Alaskan wilderness after their plane crashes and kills nearly everyone on board. While trying to search for civilization, they discover they're being hunted by a pack of wolves, who view them as intruders on their territory...

This is the first theatrical film I've seen this year and I suppose you could say this sets the bar somewhat in the middle. The Grey has been advertised almost completely wrong, with more believing that it would resemble movies like Alive and other similar survival films. It actually has a lot in common with films like Aliens and The Edge, so I guess you could call it a survival thriller. I could even see some parts it had in common with Jurassic Park III (DO NOT let that scare you away). There is a great sense of dread and isolation, and it definitely made me never want to go anywhere near the great, wide, white open areas of the world. Seriously, mother nature is a twat.

The cast is alright, though nobody comes even close to the level of Liam Neeson's performance. I'm starting to wonder if the man can ever do a bad job in anything he chooses, or if he has ever chosen a bad project in general (The Star Wars prequels don't count). He does a pretty fine job with the surprisingly hit-or-miss script he's given. Some of the dialogue is very hokey, but the director/screenwriter's previous work was Smoking Aces, so this must be a bit of a departure for him. There are truly great suspenseful moments here and you can feel the character(s)' fear, but there are parts where it tries bits of comedy are intertwined, with mixed results to say the least. Every moment the wolves are on screen, you feel nervous. They are a tad bit over the top in terms of ruthlessness (resembling a mix of Xenomorphs and the creatures from The Burrowers), but they're not there to just pussyfoot around. I don't think some of my more animal-friendly acquaintances will take too kindly to some of the actions taken against these creatures (with one scene towards the middle of the film that is sure to ruffle some feathers). Thankfully they don't overuse them either, and you never lose that thought of being in danger from the elements anymore than you do from them.

Lastly, I think the movie was brought down a peg by the very abrupt and somewhat disappointing ending, but I think it's going to be an ending that will divide audiences. I'm told there is an after-credits sequence, but I left before I could confirm this myself. The film is still very much worth watching overall, and it also touches on the subject of death itself better than I expected it to. I'm not sure I could say this should be your first choice when going to your local movie theater at the moment, but then again, I haven't been out to see anything since The Muppets was released, so you could always take those words with the tiniest grain of salt imaginable.

Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2012

-Maryland Deathfest. Probably the best Xmas gift ever, I'm beyond ecstatic to finally see some of my favorite bands live for the first time, including Electric Wizard, Nasum, Eyehategod, Yob and so many more. Thankfully there are a handful of bands that are playing that will provide nice breaks for me as well (looking at you Dying Fetus), so I can't get completely burned out.

-Hopefully playing more gigs with Beard of Antlers, including our first out of town show this coming Saturday. True it's in Fayetteville, which is the worst town in the history of fucking EVER, but I'm still excited.

-Planning out 3 fun costumes for Halloween. Gonna keep the theme similar to that of 2009 and stick with wrestling. Why? Because it's fun you silly goose.

-The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Brave, Prometheus, The Hobbit, The Secret World of Arrietty, The Amazing Spiderman (even though I think it's too soon for a reboot), Men in Black III, Piranha 3DD (which was filmed down here), Gyakuten Saiban (the Ace Attorney film directed by Takashi Miike).

-Getting new employment very, very soon. I have a feeling, I just do. 2011 SUCKED for income purposes, but I have patience and confidence for this year. And no, neither will be mistaken for one another.

-Seeing the most gorgeous woman involved with the MMA scene pose for Playboy in March. Sorry to sound like a perv or creep, but IDGAF. Brittney Palmer rules, she's fucking beautiful and seems like a genuinely cool woman to hang out with.

My oh so humble message to Ms. Palmer...

-Planning out another 30 something day blog like last time, except this time I'll focus on other themes, such as Valentine's Day (romance) or April Fool's (comedy) instead.

-Hopefully changing up some of my diet, including trying to limit myself to just water and milk if possible. I've done a pretty good job of just staying at the weight I'm at right now, but I'd like to get below that. I couldn't bring myself to be too skinny though, I think I'd look unnatural.

-Tekken Tag Tournament 2. True it's not coming to consoles until the end of the year, but gawd dayyyuummmm is that gonna be fun.

-UFC 144. Back in Japan for the first time since 2000, and thankfully the card is stacked. Look forward to hearing a respectful and great crowd for once, which is all too rare in this sport.

-On second thought, doing a blog dedicated to 30 something romantic movies would be very un-Ryan. What the hell was I thinking?

Movies, MMA, and every other thing in 2011 that I Liked and Disliked

Unlike the year in music, I felt this year was somewhat lacking for cinema, at least in terms of what folks will truly remember 10 years from now. It didn't stop me from finding a handful of films that I personally enjoyed the hell out of though. So here's a Top 10 & Bottom 5 from this guy right here.

10. Thor- Who would've thought Kenneth Branagh could make me care about a superhero that I've always been pretty apathetic towards? Solid performances from Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston too, look forward to seeing them return in The Avengers next year.

9. Warrior- A GOOD movie about Mixed Martial Arts? I never thought I'd see the day! Excellent casting, with particularly great performances by Joel Edgerton and Nick Nolte (who at least deserves an Academy Award nomination for this one). Some of the fights in the film itself are a bit over the top, but it doesn't hurt the quality of the film overall. Worth seeing, especially if you think MMA is all brawn and no brain.

8. Hobo with a Shotgun- The inspiration for my Halloween costume this year and a just plain awesome film. Delightfully campy and bloody, with Rutger Haurer doing a damn good job as the title character. I'd love to see a sequel, but I'm not quite sure how they'd handle it (hope that isn't a spoiler for those of you who haven't seen it).

7. The Devil's Double- Uday Hussein was a crazy son of a bitch, and Dominic Cooper plays him and his body double fan-fucking-tastically. My only complaint is that it wasn't longer. I might have to seek out the book now.

6. Limitless- I was completely uncertain about this one given that I don't really care about Bradley Cooper, but he really impressed me in this surprisingly clever and smart thriller. It's also the best thing Robert De Niro has done since Stardust.

5. TrollHunter- TRRRROOLLLLLLL!!!! Yeah, um, this one just plain ruled. It made great use of its budget and was pretty damn suspenseful at times. It also got better with repeated viewings, something that doesn't really happen with me a whole lot.

4. Source Code- Holy shit did this take me by surprise. I enjoyed the director's previous effortMoon, but I didn't completely love it for some reason. This one floored me, and had me thinking for a few days after finishing it. A good thriller based around time travel, and one that demands you pay attention and really use your brain.

3. Rise of the Planet of the Apes- Who said summer blockbusters can't be for both the popcorn crowd and the "glasses" crowd? Easily the best summer movie that was released this year, with great acting, a great script, fantastic visuals and a just plain fun (though slightly morbid since we all know how it's really going to end) vibe. I'd love to see Andy Serkis receive some sort of nomination for his role as Caesar, even if he was technically never there.

2. The Muppets- Nostalgia done right, and a film where I couldn't stop smiling for most of its running time (the only times were to make sure my face wouldn't stay that way, hehe). Oh how good it is to have the Muppets back. I can't wait to see the Blu-Ray of this, and anxiously await the extras surrounding and accompanying this movie.

1. I Saw the Devil- I'm not sure what else I could say about this that I didn't say in the horror blog back in October (if you didn't read the review before, check it out here http://intothehive.blogspot.com/2011/10/unseen-terror-day-6.html). The best Foreign horror/thriller that I've seen since Oldboy and one of my favorite films of the past 5 years. Unsettling, but absolutely worth watching.

Honorable mentions:

X-Men: First Class (props to Matthew Vaughn & Michael Fassbender for saving this movie franchise)

Tucker & Dale vs Evil (the best damn horror/comedy of the year)

Hanna (interesting pace and DAMN good action sequences)

Attack the Block (even though British slang still doesn't make a damn bit of sense to me. Amazing looking monsters)

The Fighter (technically a 2010 film, but still really well made)

Much like the worst music of 2011 list, I did have a handful of films I bared witness to that made me hate life, at least for a duration of 90 minutes or so. So here are some films that will require a public apology from the directors by way of castration. WARNING: at least ONE of these will spark debate, I can guarantee it. But I say bring it on.

5. Bridesmaids- Sorry to be "that" guy, but I didn't like it at all. Maybe it was overhyped for me, maybe it was the fact that I thought the film had no real resolution (assuming it was trying to go for one to begin with), maybe it was that Kristin Wiig's character was a wretchedly annoying cunt, maybe it's that I felt the film was trying to force the audience to laugh too much and it backfired on someone like myself. But maybe I just need to give it another shot.

4. Insidious- Even though I personally disliked Bridesmaids, I can understand why it received so much positive word of mouth. This, not so much. This a boring, silly horror movie that was too derivative of better films like Poltergeist, The Exorcist, House, and even Paranormal Activity(and you know how I can't stand that franchise). Add in some of the most ridiculously stupid-looking demons I've seen in a while and you've got my least favorite mainstream horror film that I've watched since Rob Zombie's Halloween.

3. Sucker Punch- This could also go down as my biggest disappointment of the year, at least for cinema. What an absolute mess. I want to propose a question to the few of you who do read this blog though. Which of the following statements best fits this movie?

A) It's Zack Snyder's Showgirls

B) It's a movie for 13 year olds that just learned how to play with themselves & are being exposed to Japanese culture (mainly Anime) for the first time

C) It's a sexist, stupid movie with an UNBELIEVABLE amount of pretentiousness

D) It's a gorgeous-looking turd, backed by an obnoxious soundtrack, awful dialog and wooden performances

E) All of the above

This should be easy...

2. Zookeeper- Kevin James needs to get hit by a bus. Then another bus. Then a freight train. If you can make it past the sequence of Kevin's character singing "Low" in a van with a gorilla voiced by Nick Nolte WITHOUT hitting something or burying your head in your hands, you are a very strong person and I would like to hang out with you. Of course if that scene made you actually laugh, well, then you're a piece of shit and probably order diet soda to "help you watch your figure."

1. The Smurfs- The worst thing I've seen all year. An abortion of a film that by default, has made me hate the old television show now as well. When it's not busy annoying the ever loving shit out of you, then it's BORING the ever loving shit out of you. And I know there are some that will argue "it's a movie for children, what did you expect?" That argument is just plain old fashioned and a cheap excuse. Look back at the movies most of us grew up watching. They didn't throw in stupid pop culture references and didn't speak down to the kids watching it. They didn't contain endless pratfalls that get tiring immediately upon first offense (well okay, some of them did). Films like Who Framed Roger Rabbit have just as great of a human cast as they do an animated one. This film's live-action cast was absolutely wasted, save for Hank Azaria, who looks like he was at least TRYING to have fun. But ultimately, the movie sucks. It sucks ass. It sucks balls. It sucks assballs. The fact that this movie made so much money as it did (with a sequel on the way now as well) is just depressing.

Other (dis)honorable mentions:

Bunraku-Like the Pepsi version of Sucker Punch. Potentially cool idea ruined by wasted casting and a bad script.

No Strings Attached-Ivan Reitman's decline continues. It's a bad sign when Ludacris is the most spirited actor in the cast, especially when it includes Natalie Portman and Kevin Kline. Schmaltzy, predictable garbage.

Take Me Home Tonight-Not really terrible, but terribly bland more than anything else. I want to punch Dan Fogler in the face.

For the second segment on here, I wanted to highlight something I'm passionate about, and that's my favorite Mixed Martial Arts moments of 2011. I will refrain from using stupid "bro" words as much as possible, given that while I love the sport, I tend to detest about a good 95% of its fanbase. Skip past this if you don't give a shit about the sport (and most of you who are my friends don't).

KNOCKOUT OF THE YEAR:

Anderson Silva def. Vitor Belfort (UFC 126). An otherwise mediocre card that ended with an outstanding finish, as Silva delivered a Muay Thai Teep to the former LHW champion's face, crumbling him and no doubt making that pile of shit Steven Seagal happy, whom Silva claimed he learned it from. But regardless of my feelings for the most overrated action star of all time, this will be on highlight reels forever, whether they're Zuffa-owned or not.

Other ones that'll beat you silly:

Lyoto Machida def. Randy Couture (UFC 129, jumping front kick/crane kick)

Junior Dos Santos def. Cain Velasquez (UFC on Fox 1, overhand right followed by punches)

Johny Hendricks def. Jon Fitch (UFC 141, punch)

Daniel Cormier def. Antonio Silva (Strikeforce WGP: Barnett v. Kharitonov, punches)

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira def. Brendan Schaub (UFC 134, punches)

SUBMISSION OF THE YEAR:

Chan Sung Jung def. Leonard Garcia (UFC Fight Night: Nogueira v. Davis). The first recorded twister in the history of the organization, and sweet, sweet revenge for the robbery of the first fight. The followup knockout of Mark Hominick has the Korean Zombie poised for big things in 2012.

Others worth cranking out (don't you dare):

Tito Ortiz def. Ryan Bader (UFC 132, guillotine choke)

Jon Jones def. Lyoto Machida (UFC 140, standing guillotine)

Rich Hale def. Nick Fekete (Bellator 38, inverted triangle choke)

Chris Weidman def. Tom Lawlor (UFC 139, d'arce choke)

Pat Curran def. Luis Palomino (Bellator 46, Peruvian Necktie)

Miesha Tate def. Marloes Coenen (Strikeforce/M-1 Global: Fedor v. Henderson, arm triangle choke)

ROUND OF THE YEAR:

Nick Diaz v. Paul Daley. It didn't even go the full five minutes that it was supposed to, but this was the definition of the (admittedly overused) term WAR. Two men that never back down from a fight, and two men that swing with intention to hurt every time they compete. I may not be a tremendous fan of either man as a human being, but there's no denying the excitement of this bout.

Others worth spending a few minutes of your time on:

Brad Pickett v. Renan Barao (UFC 138)

Diego Brandao v. Dennis Bermudez (The Ultimate Fighter Season 14 Finale)

Cheick Kongo v. Patrick Barry (UFC on Versus 4)

ROBBERY OF THE YEAR:

Nick Ring def. Riki Fukuda (UFC 127). Even though new to the sport can spot how bad this one turned out. Incompetent judging has never looked so...well, incompetent. You'd be hard pressed to find ANY MMA publication that gave the Canadian Ring the nod here, unless the site was run by his family.

Other ones worth raging over:

Diego Sanchez def. Martin Kampmann (UFC on Versus 3)

Joe Warren def. Marcus Galvao (Bellator 41)

Darren Elkins def. Michihiro Omigawa (UFC 131)

Demetrious Johnson def. Miguel Torres (UFC 130)

FIGHT OF THE YEAR:

Mauricio Rua v. Dan Henderson (UFC 139). An instant classic with a little of everything displayed in the fight. The amount of heart and determination put forth from BOTH fighters in this contest is inspiring and the fight itself is worth repeating for many years. What is it they say again? Oh yeah, PRIDE NEVER DIE!

Other ones worth watching/downloading/viewing:

Eddie Alvarez v. Michael Chandler (Bellator 58)

Frankie Edgar v. Gray Maynard 2 (UFC 125)

Rousimar Palhares v. Dan Miller (UFC 134)

Mark Munoz v. Demian Maia (UFC 131)

Clay Guida v. Benson Henderson (UFC on Fox 1)

Jim Miller v. Benson Henderson (UFC on Versus 5)

Jose Aldo v. Mark Hominick (UFC 129)

Diego Sanchez v. Martin Kampmann (UFC on Versus 3)

CARD OF THE YEAR:

UFC 139 (11/19/11 @ The HP Pavilion in San Jose, California). With the lone exception of MAYBE Rick Story/Martin Kampmann, not a single bad fight on the card, and all were worth talking about in same way shape or form. From the now classic Hendo/Shogun, to the fun standup battle between Wanderlei Silva and Cung Le, to the dominant wins from former champions Miguel Torres and Urijah Faber, to the slick and just plain nasty submission win from future contender Chris Weidman, to the coming out party of Bantamweight contender Michael McDonald, this card had a bit of everything for everyone. The crowd could have been a little less douchey though.

Other ones worth spending copious amounts of hours on:

UFC 134 (08/27/11)

Strikeforce World Grand Prix: Barnett v. Kharitonov (09/10/11)

UFC 132 (07/02/11)

UFC 129 (04/30/11)

FIGHTER OF THE YEAR:

Some will complain that this belongs to another younger, more promising fighter, but for me, this year was all about Dan Henderson. After a rocky 2010 that saw him lose to Jake Shields at Middleweight, "Hendo" moved up Light Heavyweight for his next 4 bouts. At the end of 2010, he stopped Renato Sobral in the 1st round, then followed that up in the new year with a TKO victory over Rafael Cavalcante, capturing the ever-changing Strikeforce LHW title. He followed that up with a first round TKO of the GOAT (Greatest of All Time), Fedor Emelianenko in a Heavyweight bout. Then he moved over to the UFC for the third time and put on the fight of his career in an effort with Mauricio "Shogun" Rua that could have gone either way, but would have ended up with both as real winners in the end. At 41 years old, Dan doesn't seem to be slowing down and wants to challenge for a title again soon. At this point, I'm completely behind him, no matter who he faces. Fuck Randy Couture, THIS is the real Captain America.

Other ones who had a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good year:

Jon Jones

Frankie Edgar

Junior Dos Santos

Dominick Cruz

Alistair Overeem

Benson Henderson

Nick Diaz

Michael Chandler

Now here's some more bullshit that ruled this year:

Best Concert I Attended: The Protomen @ The Soapbox.

Favorite Concert I Played This Year: Crows Foot, Torch Runner, No Tomorrow, Skullstorm @ 16 Taps/Soapbox

Best Restaurant I Ate at: Flaming Amy's (Time Out Chicken is a close second)

Best Game I Played: Batman: Arkham City

Best Twitter Account I Followed: Anthony Jeselnik (Jim Norton, The Spill Crew, and Bloodtype Online are also really awesome ones worth checking out)

Best Shirt I Bought: KEN Mode-Ken from Street Fighter design (brown)

Best Place I Drank at: Greenville, NC

Best Television Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm

Worst Television Show: The 83rd Academy Awards

Best "I'm Proud of myself" Moment: Buying my first size large shirt on purpose and being able to fit it.

Biggest Bummer: My grandmother passing away (R.I.P.)

And that's IT for the blog! Whew, that took a long time, but I think it was worth it. Hope 2012 doesn't suck too bad for you folks. I personally thought that while it was far from perfect, it was pretty fun regardless. Now let's just hope we don't all die after all...