Piranha 3DD Review

Previously, at Lake Victoria, an incident occurred that left hundreds dead from an attack by prehistoric piranha. One year later, thanks to a couple of incompetent farmers, a freshly hatched school of the fish decide to make their way to a newly opened water park in Arizona, hungry for young, exposed, nubile flesh.


Though I completely understand and even somewhat agree with the criticisms of 2010's Piranha 3D, a very loose remake of Joe Dante's 1978 Jaws knockoff Piranha, I'll still confess to being a fan and having had an absolute blast watching it in theaters when it was released. When I first heard news of this film's existence, I was skeptical, especially knowing that more than likely, little to none of the original cast and crew would return (only partially true). Then, over time, more and more names were being attached to the project which instilled confidence in me that the project was going to be even better than it's predecessor. John Gulager (the Feast trilogy) was attached to direct, David Hasselhoff and Gary Busey signed on as co-stars, and it was being filmed in my own backyard! Well, okay, not LITERALLY my own backyard, but Wilmington, NC would be able to lay claim to having Piranha 3DD filmed over the course of several weeks to a month. Then the trailer surfaced, which excited me more than I thought was possible. It looked to be just as silly and over-the-top as Alexandre Aja's 2010 bloodbath was, if not even more so.

Alas, I always go back to one simple quote that film critic Martin Thomas/Leon from the oh so awesome spill.com said several years ago: "Trailers Lie."

This is a colossally disappointing sequel that promises much more than it actually delivers. I could spend hours picking this apart, but I'll try and contain it within a few paragraphs. The first real problem comes from the initial title of the film, which promises (perhaps exactly) twice the amount of blood, boobs, and general badassery from the first.

Yeah...that isn't the case.

Most of the blood and gore feels significantly tamer than the previous film, which is especially shocking considering Gulager's previous work. A small part of me suspects that there may have been some meddling around during production which would prevent this film from being as horrific as it could have been. It is entirely possible that the blame falls on Gulager himself though, who I'm starting to view as a one trick pony, considering this is the third time in a row that he's released something considered a "disappointment" by fans and critics alike. As far as the second "b," yes there is an ample amount of flesh exposed (from both genders) but they are mostly quick flashes, so anybody looking to add this to the "spank bank" history books may be more irritated than aroused. For the third "b," thankfully there ARE some relatively cool scenes involving Ving Rhames (who is uncredited) and David Hasselhoff (one of the two things worth remembering in this film, the other being a line uttered by 30 Rock actress Katrina Bowden), but it doesn't make the film worth spending $7-10 on if you ask me.

Speaking of the cast, most of them range from looking bored (David Koechner), to being barely in it whatsoever (Gary Busey, Clu Gulager), to acting and looking like confused llamas (Meagan Tandy). I know I shouldn't expect oscar-caliber acting from something of this nature, but jesus, at least TRY to look like you're having fun. You were essentially filming most of this in a water park and were surrounded by a plethora of attractive naked people, not to mention that Wilmington IS the 10th drunkest city in the nation, so surely you could find inspiration somewhere else in case of boredom. Oops, almost went on a rant there.

Finally, while I watched this in 2D (don't have the capability of viewing 3D films from Time Warner Cable), it seemed like the 3D was more half-assed than the previous film as well. I doubt my opinion of the finished product would have been altered much with a 3D screening though.


I just can't strongly recommend this. If it comes on cable within the next few months (more than likely), or appears on Netflix soon (also more than likely), you may get some cheap laughs here and there, but otherwise, stay away.