My Top 20 Albums of 2011

Well this took longer than expected, but I think that's more due to just how damn good this year was for producing exceptional music. I honestly struggled with making a top 10 for last year, but while this was admittedly difficult as well, I had a lot more fun doing it. So without any further ado, here's my top 20 of 2011. Why top 20? I dunno, there was a lot of good shit and I didn't want any of these records to be left out.

But first, here's a special mention of 3 great releases that you probably already know about.

Kvelertak-Kvelertak

Electric Wizard-Black Masses

Ghost-Opus Eponymous

Why aren't these on the list you ask? It's actually quite simple; all of these fine albums technically came out in 2010, but weren't released stateside until this year (Ghost and EW's records came out on January 18th, with Kvelertak seeing release on March 15th). So I figured that it would be cheating if any of these placed higher. Electric Wizard never disappoints, and on their 7th full length, they stick to what they know well and churn out something that I think could easily compete with their now classic Dopethrone. Can't wait to see them at Maryland Deathfest! Ghost are, admittedly, overhyped. People are treating them as if they're the biggest thing to come along in metal in years, which is just silly. The record is really damn good though, like Blue Oyster Cult covered by Lucifer himself. Kvelertak is just plain fun, even though I understand absolutely none of the lyrics (all sung in Norwegian). Black n' roll + John Dyer Baizley artwork is an almost guaranteed hit for me.

Now, we move on to the actual list. Yeah, there is that after all...

20. The Boston Strangler-Primitive. I just got turned on to these dudes (here comes the jokes). Just plain good old school hardcore with members of Mind Eraser, No Tolerance and The Rival Mob. Lyrics are appropriately pissed and the music is pretty short but sweet (for the most part). Get circle pitting.

19. Entrails-The Tomb Awaits. You sure this wasn't an Entombed record? Shit, it even LOOKS like an old Entombed record right down to the logo. But in this case, the old phrase "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" is perfect to use here. I'm quite liking this NWOSDM (New Wave of Swedish Death Metal). DEM RIFFS. DEM VOCALS.

18. Miasmal-Miasmal. Speaking of Sweden, this record just rips. Members of Martyrdod making an old school DM record where the influences from Entombed, Dismember and even Motorhead shine. A record that will please the metal and crust scenes equally.

17. Weedeater-Jason...The Dragon. Weedeater rules, there's no other way to really say it. Lyrics and song titles are pretty absurd, Dixie Dave's tendency to sip on Robotussin during performances is strange, they're ABSURDLY loud during said performances, and they're just plain pretty odd (but nice) guys outside of them too. But damn it I love the sludge metal they make. I'm not saying I advocate smoking illegal substances and listening to this, but I'm not NOT saying it. Did I mention they're from Wilmington too? Yeah, you probably already knew that.

16. Lock Up-Necropolis Transparent. I honestly forgot Lock Up were even still a band, but this will remind me to stop being such a cheese-eating surrender monkey. Just as punishing and brutal as the band's previous death/grind records are, and that new guitarist is a pretty damn good replacement for the late Jesse Pintado. True, it could use a bit more variety, but it's grindcore, I don't think many will be asking for that. I hope I can make one of the U.S. dates next year, would love to meet Tomas Lindberg.

15. Harm's Way-Isolation. If early 90s Earache ever decided to get into the heavier side of hardcore, I imagine this is what they'd look for and sign almost instantly. That and if anyone can take a sample from Hellraiser VI and make it sound cool, they've earned my respect. An excellent followup to the "No Gods No Masters" album that made my top 10 last year. YER MOSHIN'.

14. Darkest Hour-The Human Romance. I hadn't really written this band off per se, but with the departure of Kris Norris prior to the recording of their last album, my hopes were a tad bit low. Thankfully this is the strongest album in the band's catalog since the "Hidden Hands..." days. Great solos and melodies to be found here (minus John Henry's singing, which is more awkward than bad), and the first instrumental (Terra Solaris) to be found since then too. Welcome back boys.

13. Trap Them-Darker Handcraft. Yes it's nowhere near as good as Seizures in Barren Praise, but it's still uncompromising as all hell. The grind/death n' roll/crust/hardcore/whatever machine continues to roll on and it really hasn't lost any of it's previous power either. The final track "Scars Align" does sludge metal better than most bands in their own genre.

12. Oathbreaker-Maelstrom. Belgium rules, and not just because it produces awesome women and awesome bands. Well, okay, it IS because of that. Along with Rise and Fall and Amenra, these guys and gal are helping put one of the beer capitals of the world on the map. Great female-fronted metallic hardcore that's as much for fans of Converge as it is Tragedy.

11. Gridlink-Orphan. 12 songs in 12 minutes. All killer, no filler as they say. And by killer, I mean fast, technical, screeching grindcore done exceptionally well. Get moving.

10. Rotten Sound-Cursed. It's better than Cycles. Yeah, I said it. The Finnish grind masters have officially equalled Nasum imo, if not surpassed them. It's more varied, groovy and punishing than the previous records, and it works in it's favor. Now tour the states again damn it!

9. Young and in the Way-I Am Not What I Am. North Carolina, you did good. Blackened crust/hardcore with a just plain miserable vibe that shrouds the entire record. These guys will be huge within a couple of years, and I can only say good for them. Might be a bit of a bummer for us Carolinians who won't get to see them as often though.

8. KEN Mode-Venerable. This might slowly creep itself into my top 5 in a few days from this post. Just plain awesome sludge/noise rock/hardcore from 3 very angry Canadians with a lot on their mind. Also one of the loudest bands I got to watch this year, and the only to feature a frontman wearing a cowboy hat (made even better by the confused looks on the Raleigh kids' faces). "Book of Muscle" man, "Book of Muscle."

7. Victims-A Dissident. The D-Beat Swedes do their D-beat well as always. Never has human frustration sounded so catchy, at least in the more aggressive side of punk.

6. Yob-Atma. I know some will argue that this isn't as good as The Great Cessation, and I'd agree. That being said, it's still a damn fine slab of doom and gets me all the more excited that I'm seeing them in May. And that Scott Kelly cameo is the cherry on top, if you know what I mean. The only thing bad about any and all Yob records is having the play the waiting game for the next one.

5. Tombs-Path of Totality. The soundtrack to the end of times. Or a drugged out satanic ritual that leaves you feeling suicidal when you return to this world. Whatever you call it, it's a monster. The NY trio's post-black metal/sludge onslaught is incredible here, though I admit the overuse of blast beats can become a bit tiring. Mike Hill's growls, bellows, and yelling will more than make up for it though.

4. In Solitude-The World, The Flesh, The Devil. I really can't stand most of the bands I've been hearing lately who do the whole "old school" metal thing, but this is worship/retro done right. Mercyful Fate fans will pop a boner over this, but I think it's more tolerable than that. Wish I could have seen them with Down a few months ago.

3. Junius-Reports From the Threshold of Death. Beautiful, ethereal, haunting, memorable, and undeniably heavy. I first got into these cats after seeing them steal the show from Valient Thorr a year or so ago. Their Prosthetic Records (who are turning into quite the label now imo) debut doesn't disappoint. I'd have to describe this as either Radiohead playing really heavy & catchy post-rock/metal or Katatonia having an illegal love child with the Deftones. Really eager to see where this band goes from here, because this is gonna be hard to top.

2. Foo Fighters-Wasting Light. This one had me nervous. I've always thought FF were arguably one of the best alternative/hard rock bands of the past 15 years, but they hadn't exacting been churning out classic albums recently. Sure the lead singles from those albums were fantastic, but the rest of the album would just sort of lack anything to make it worth repeating. Thankfully welcoming Pat Smear back into the fold must've reinvigorated the band, because this is the best thing the band has done since The Colour and the Shape. Seriously, it's THAT good. I could see damn near every song becoming a single and one that I wouldn't get tired of either. Dave Grohl sounds more passionate here than usual, and we're all damn happy for it. Keepers of the (Foo) faith, you've been rewarded.

1. Fucked Up-David Comes to Life. I know it's cliche to pick this, as most sites, be they devoted to heavier music or not, will be choosing this as their #1 AOTY. But I really don't care. This is just amazing. I tend to hate concept records, but this was one of the few exceptions. A hardcore punk rock opera should NOT work. But somehow the 6-piece Canadian vets did it. Amazingly catchy tunes with a myriad of emotions (and outside genres) mixed in. If the first real song on the record "Queen of Hearts" doesn't end up stuck in your head after a few listens, this may not be for you. But me personally? I think this will end up as a classic within a few years, the culmination of hard work, great songwriting, a very unique (and identifiable) concept and great playing mixing together perfectly.

Here's some other ones worth downl...err, picking up.

Anthrax-Worship Music. Loses a bit of steam towards the end (plus that Refused cover is pretty bad), but otherwise very solid stuff from the thrash veterans. "Fight Em Til You Can't" and "I'm Alive" are gonna be stuck in your head for a while. Good to have Belladonna back too.

Leviathan-True Traitor, True Whore. RARRRRR BLACK METAL. After a rocky (bad) first song, this one started to win me over the more it went on. Too bad the dude's probably going to jail.

Mastodon-The Hunter. It's gonna take a bit to grow on me, but it's Mastodon after all. I personally think they've never made a flat out bad record.

Opeth-Heritage. A fantastic "fuck you" record. While this didn't make the top 20, if I had a top 20 songs, "Slither" would easily fall into the top 10 of that list.

But for every good record of the year, there are those that are the audio equivalent of having a Zuluzinho take a shit on your head. So, for shits and giggles, here's my bottom 3 of 2011.

3. Korn-Path of Totality.

Easy target? Of course. But god damn, I heard about 2-3 songs from this and wanted to fist fight what remains of this band with Freddy Krueger gloves. The 14 year old in me would have been ashamed of this (yeah I was a Korn fan when I was younger), and as it turns out, the 26 year old me hates this too. Korn + Dubstep = one of the worst things I've heard since the Black Eyed Peas ditched socially conscious rap in favor of commercial pop garbage. I would love to sit down with the writers at Revolver Magazine and ask how they could have chosen this as their AOTY over the thousands of other records released this year. Because, uh, I just don't see it.

2. Morbid Angel-Illud Divinum Insanus.

What more needs to be said about this? It's death metal's St. Anger, a complete embarrassment from the once immortal Floridians. I'm not even sure I want to watch their set at MDF next year now. On the plus side, it's the best Front Line Assembly record you'll probably ever hear.

1. The Haunted-Unseen.

How was this worse than the new Morbid Angel? Well, for one thing, the new MA contains at least two or three songs that sound vaguely like, well, the band's previous efforts. This does not. This is a failed experiment in every way possible, with pathetic songs and pitiful playing. If that's what they were trying to go for, then they succeeded. If not, then we're in for deep trouble. I was shocked to see more than a few publications giving this glowing praise. I can only imagine copious amounts of money and drugs were involved in giving this a GOOD write up. A truly wretched and downright insulting record, especially sad considering the past history of this band. Marco Aro is probably having a good laugh right about now.

I also asked around on Facebook to assorted friends and acquaintances as to whether they could contribute some of their favorite albums of the year as well. And here's a select few.

Rain Howard (hair dye afficionado)-

Megadeth-Th1rt3en

Anthrax-Worship Music

Ghost-Opus Eponymous

Mastodon-The Hunter

Machine Head-Unto the Locust

Amon Amarth-Surtur Rising

The Devin Townsend Project-Deconstruction

The Devin Townsend Project-Ghost

Between the Buried and Me-The Parallex: Hypersleep Dialogues

Opeth-Heritage

Dan Todd (Salvacion, Beard of Antlers)-

Symphony X-Iconoclast

Primordial-Redemption At the Puritan's Hand

Opeth-Heritage

Iced Earth-Dystopia

Destruction-Day of Reckoning

Voyager-The Meaning of I

While Heaven Wept-Fear of Infinity

Tyr-The Lay of Thrym

Nightrage-Insidious

Mastodon-The Hunted

Dream Theater-A Dramatic Turn of Events

Lew Cabral (all around dude, one of the only metal guys I know who resides in Boone)-

1. Junius-Reports From the Threshold of Death

2. Mastodon-The Hunter

3. Wolves in the Throne Room-Celestial Lineage

4. Graveyard-Hinsingin Blues

5. Red Fang-Murder the Mountains

Anthony Peer (consistently cultivating mass, Nick Diaz superfan, http://swolepeer.blogspot.com/, twitter.com/goreygibbler)-

1. KEN Mode-Venerable

2. Maruta-Forward Into Regression

3. Virus-The Agent That Shapes the Desert

4. Sulaco-Build and Burn

5. Electro Quarterstaff-Aykroyd

6. Secret Samurai-Zanshin

7. Ulcerate-The Destroyers of All

8. Elder-Dead Roots Stirring

9. Charles Bradley-No Time for Dreaming

10. Wu-Tang Clan-Legendary Weapons

Alan Wierdak (a man who knows his beards and his beers)-

Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats-Bloodlust

Midnight-Satanic Royalty

Skyzoo-The Great Debaters

Brainoil-Death of this Dry Season

Ghoul-Lunatic Hour

Noisear-Subvert the Dominant Paradigm

Exhumed-All Guts, No Glory

Jesu-Ascension

Graveyard-Hisingen Blues

Triac-Always Meant to Hurt You

Earth-Angels of Darkness, Demons of Light

The Wounded Kings-In the Chapel of the Black Hand

Brown Sugar-Sings of Birds and Racism

No Tolerance-No Remorse, No Tolerance

Weekend Nachos-Black Earth

Defeatist-Tyranny of Decay

If you've read through this entire thing, good for you. If you've just decided to skim over most of this, hey, that's fine too. Lemme know what you think, whether you agree/disagree with anything on here, and we'll discuss this like fine gentlemen. Or just yell at each other, I don't really have a preference.

Unseen Terror: Day 31

In New York City, a simple young man named Duane rents out a room in the Hotel Broslin. He settles down and tends to keep to himself, which catches the attention of the other tenants. Well, that and the oversized basket he seems to keep with him at all times. Sooner than later, we discover why Duane and the item seem inseparable; it contains his deranged and deformed twin brother Belial. Both brothers have come to the Big Apple in order to wreak havoc on the people who separated them when they were younger.

Well, I've approached the final day of this blog, and I figured I'd go out on a high note, though I guess that might be entirely subjective to say the least. Basket Case was the debut film from director Frank Henenlotter, who went on to do other notorious horror-comedies like Frankenhooker and Brain Damage. This one is usually considered to be his best and is probably the most famous of them (though Steve Martin's "praise" of Frankenhooker might have pushed that up higher in some people's eyes). The film is ridiculous, but somehow works. It's a very campy, but very fun horror-comedy, with a monster that you probably won't forget any time soon.

The actors definitely know they're in a movie about what essentially looks like a killer silly putty monster, and they decide to have some fun. The scene with Duane (who looks remarkably like Ug from Critters...or is it the other way around?) drunkenly telling another tenant about his backstory and his siamese twin is pretty god damn funny, mostly due to how sort of nonchalantly he tells part of the story. Heck, we do get a flashback scene that shows how the twins were separated, and it has a surprisingly serious tone, most likely embodying the real life trauma that some twins may have to go through once they are their own person per se. The blood and kills in the film are all fun, though you can tell they weren't working with the largest budget they could have had. There are also scenes involving Belial that are done with stop motion which look AWFUL, but you'll end laughing more than being annoyed with it.

Basket Case is a fun little film, and one that I wouldn't mind adding to my DVD collection down the line. I know they made two sequels to this as well (both directed by Henenlotter), and I'd definitely be interested in checking those out too. Recommended if you've got a pretty good sense of humor and like your horror movies with some cheese on top.

Well, that's it. Seriously. Thanks a lot to any of you who commented, read, suggested films, etc. I really enjoyed doing this for the blog, and I wouldn't be opposed to doing another one next year either. I've had thoughts about doing 30 comedies I've never seen for the month of April, but I'll have to see what I'm doing then. For now, I leave you with a few notes about changes or whatnot that were made to the list and why.

-Laid to Rest was originally on, but was taken down by Netflix the day that I started the blog.

-Frogs was originally in place of Waxwork, but after suffering through Thankskilling and Shark Attack 2, I needed a break from killer animal movies. That and I've heard Frogs sucks BAD.

-The Prowler was at #8 or #9, but alas, not available.

-Considered doing Hellraiser 5-9. Might review them next year.

-Antichrist was suggested to me by quite a few folks, but I'll confess I'm not a Lars Von Trier fan. I'll probably watch it on my own and do a review on either here or Facebook.

-Others I considered, but that didn't make the viewing list (mostly due to time):

The Fog

Session 9

Squirm

Warlock

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

Misery

Splinter (own it on DVD, never watched it)

The Wild Hunt (watched the last 30 or so minutes, felt like it'd be cheating)

Scarecrows

Subspecies

Monkey Shines (see Wild Hunt)

Wolfen

The Thing Below

I'm sure I'll watch most of these on my own, but for now, the horror blog is closed. Happy Halloween everyone!

Unseen Terror: Day 30

In pre-renaissance France, the eccentric and power-mad Cardinal Richelieu seeks total control of the nation, but is met with oppression from Father Grandier, who runs the town that prevents him from doing such. Soon, they decide to destroy him by means of setting him up on the grounds of housing devil-possessed nuns (one of whom is madly and sexually obsessed with Grandier) and being a warlock himself. A witch hunter is also brought to town to help gather information and set up Grandier for a trial in which the Cardinal can then finally seize control...

I'll just come out and say that I'm not a humongous fan of director Ken Russell, at least based on seeing Lair of the White Worm and the assorted scenes I've caught from Altered States. That being said, this is supposedly his masterpiece, and was one of the most controversial movies (which is based on real events as well) to come out of the U.K. in the 70s, if not ever. It still isn't available on DVD in most markets, and the uncut print is rather hard to find, unless you are lucky enough to attend select screenings. Fortunately, we do have a bootleg copy picked up some years ago, so that's how I managed to check the film out (lord knows nobody could rip it to youtube and have it stay up).

First thing's first: the acting here is fan-fucking-tastic. Everyone is convincing in their roles here, with the late Oliver Reed and Vanessa Redgrave being in top form. Michael Gothard, as the demented "witch hunter" who arrives in the film about halfway through, is thoroughly evil and demented, though I wish they had given a different hairstyle for the character (he looked surprisingly like John Lennon). Still, my favorite characters were the supposedly possessed nuns, led by the aforementioned Redgrave. They embodied pure insanity and showed why sexual repression sometimes isn't the best thing like many would have you believe. The cinematography is stellar as well, giving you a real feel of dread in one of the harshest of time periods for human beings. By early 70s standards, there is some rather disturbing imagery and violent torture scenes found throughout the film as well, and it's not surprising to see why it caused such a fuss overseas when it was released (the "rape of christ" and Redgrave's hallucination sequences especially).

But alas, I've gotta be a negative nancy here and say a couple of bad things. For one, a lot of the film doesn't age as well as I would have liked. It's a VERY "British" feeling film for the most part as well, so that might not be up everyone's alley. It's also quite confusing if you're not familiar with the timeline this takes place in, and is very politically and religiously driven. If none of those appeal to you, you might wanna stick with the good ol' blood and guts stuff. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It also takes quite a bit of time for The Devils to really get going per se, but once it does, it gets pretty crazy.

Still, I did enjoy this one, even if it was losing me at times. The final act is truly something to behold, and shows how terrifying the connection between politics and religion could be back in the day, though it's still pretty bad now obviously. It's a real shame that this doesn't have a proper release, even after 40 years. I'd absolutely be down for watching this again, especially with director's commentary, and preferably uncut as well.

Tomorrow, for the final day...I've got nothing clever to lead with. So I'll just review BASKET CASE and give my eyes a rest.

Unseen Terror: Day 29

After botching a heroin smuggling operation, a group of people lost at sea discover an abandoned oil rig and decide to take refuge. Soon, they discover exactly why the rig houses no life: it's been ravaged and cleansed by an unknown organism nicknamed "Charlie," a failed experiment which can shape-shift into it's prey and absorb their memories.

I can recall seeing bits of Proteus (also known as Below in some circles) on television when I was younger, as well as spotting the VHS in assorted video stores. I had fond memories of it, mostly due to how bizarre it looked and how the couple of scenes I did see were kind of neat. After seeing the full film though, I kind of wish I had retained those memories the way they were. The finished product is just another mediocre ripoff of The Thing, and one that suffers from a weak script more than anything else.

The film seems to like relying on jump scares more than anything, which can be grating considering that it should be spending it's time more on making these characters anything but vanilla. Even Doug Bradley (the only recognizable name here) is wasted, especially considering he's buried underneath a load of makeup and has maybe 1-2 scenes in the whole film. The script is mostly boring until the last 30 minutes when it just goes into absurd territory, with two plot twists that had me rolling my eyes. There's also one ASTONISHINGLY terribly edited scene involving a character being in two places at the same time, though you might have to look carefully for it (hint: it involved the character Christine).

I will say that there were a couple of bright spots in the film though. The effects work on the creature was surprisingly decent considering that this was released straight-to-video, though the end monster (much like the previously reviewed Leviathan) looks pretty silly. The acting wasn't too terrible at times, despite that the characters are very forgettable like I said before. But even those aren't really enough to warrant a real recommendation considering how "blah" it is. This one isn't available on DVD as far as I know, but you can view it on Netflix and Youtube, albeit in parts.

Tomorrow, I check out another flick not on DVD, but there may be a legitimate reason as to why THE DEVILS actually isn't.

Unseen Terror: Day 28

The owner of a local waxwork, which seems to have appeared almost overnight, invites several young folks to take a tour in the evening after observing that their interests have been piqued following a routine passing by. They take up the offer and arrive in the evening, though several of them are easily spooked and leave. After the initial group that stays for the tour seems to vanish, the remaining friends discover a dark secret of the waxwork: by crossing the felt ropes protecting the exhibits themselves, you enter the actual world of the figures, and there may be no escape.

I didn't realize that this is the second film on this list I've reviewed by director Anthony Hickox, the other being the very mediocre Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth. Thankfully, this is a better film, though not without it's flaws either. The concept of Waxwork is actually pretty neat, giving nods to various different horror genres and faces throughout the years in the form of the wax exhibits. The acting is hit or miss, with David Warner and Zach Galligan (not surprisingly) being the best of the bunch. Most of the dialogue for the first 20 minutes or so was agonizing to have to listen to, and I couldn't wait for certain characters to meet their demise, hopefully in nasty fashion. Thankfully, most of them do.

After that initial bad start, the film starts to get a lot better. The costume and makeup work in this is quite good, which includes a pretty neat looking werewolf and a great scene with the Marquis De Sade. It actually traverses quite a bit of the genre pretty well without feeling forced, and the ending scene, which features a large repertoire of different "staples" duking it out with others is just wonderful. I can only hope that maybe this Halloween I can stumble across some random party where maybe they'll unintentionally recreate that battle after a tough bout with Jameson's and Jack Daniels. I wish the film had gotten someone else to do the sound editing though, as the audio mix was just way too damn low for most it's runtime (subtitles for Warner's little butler probably couldn't have hurt either). Maybe that was the fault of the copy Netflix had for streaming, I'm not sure.

This is still a pretty fun one to check out though. Delightfully cheesy, despite a pretty awful start. Plus, David Warner is awesome in almost anything he does.

Tomorrow, I stumble across a random boat and hope the contents of PROTEUS don't fuck with me too much.

Unseen Terror: Day 27

Well, thanks yet again to film lengths, I'm doing another double review. I don't believe either film I'm talking about today will even be able to compare to something like Un Chien Andalou, and I'm not sure the makers of either have seen that film, or could even pronounce the name correctly.

500 years ago, a killer turkey was conjured up to kill any and all white people it could in the name of Native American oppression. Or something. Fast forward to modern day, where the turkey has awakened to slaughter young, nubile college kids, who are no doubt thrilled that their Thanksgiving break must now be spent trying to defend themselves (and their loved ones) from the wrath of killer poultry.

Thankskilling looks and feels like a movie made by college kids with a few thousand dollars (approximately $3,500) to throw away in hopes of trying to capture the same charm as some of the oh so wonderful Troma movies of the past have. Does it succeed? Eh, sort of. The movie is astonishingly stupid for it's incredibly short runtime (66 minutes) but does try to keep it's audience's attention with low brow humor and a turkey that seems to embody Freddy Krueger at times, but without really the style that the Elm Street veteran has. The acting is bad enough to make Tommy Wiseau look credible, but maybe that was the point. In all honesty, I feel kind of bad even bashing this since there were a couple of moments that genuinely made me laugh (like a turkey sex scene...don't ask) and the ending is a nice jab/homage to the absurdity of sequels. Maybe it's best that you watch this was a pack of friends, and preferably inebriated.

Now for part 2.

A group of mutant sharks invade the town of Cape Town, South Africa, essentially seeking out a few quick bites. After chowing down on a woman diving with her sister, one of the sharks is captured and set to be the star attraction of "Water World," a new park opening up. The shark escapes and several people, including the sister of the deceased diver, set out to hunt it, and it's brethren down.

There are many great things I can say about Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. It's one of the finest examples of a modern day "so bad it's good" film, right up there with movies like The Room and Troll 2. This one however, is best left lost at sea. It STINKS. Like it's sequel, the film uses green screen effects at times and recycles footage stolen from Discovery Channel. Unlike it's sequel however, these moments are never amusing and just flat out boring to sit through. It also rips off quite a good amount from Jaws, and I don't mean having similar situations. I mean, same camera tricks, same plot developments, etc. It's shameful stuff. The only two moments where you could elicit actual laughter involve a "break" montage with wildly inappropriate porno music playing in the background, which is made even more awkward considering the scene ends with the surviving diver (who looks like a C-rate version of Rebecca Romjin with frizzy hair) talking sadly about how much she wishes she "could have said goodbye" to her sister. The other is the inevitable sex scene, which reminded me a little too much of Showgirls, and not in a good way.

This film just sucks all around. No other way to put it. If you do decide to watch it, it's 90 minutes of your life that you'll never get back. You could do more productive things like play with squirrel turds instead. Or at least spend at 2/3 of this film's running time watching Thankskilling, which, while stupid, is at least watchable.

Tomorrow, I see what Zach Galligan has been up to outside of taking care of Mogwais and check out WAXWORK.

Unseen Terror: Day 26

a.k.a. The Substitute

A Danish sixth grade class gets a new substitute teacher after their usual one comes down with a case of salmonella. The new teacher, Ulla Harms, quickly establishes herself as a bona fide bitch, speaking rather condescendingly to the kids and coming across as very mean. She also shows signs of what could be constituted as telepathy. Curious and just plain fed up with her, the kids band together to dig up some dirt on Ms. Harms, but her unemphatic behavior could be a sign of stranger, almost alien-like tendencies...

First off, I have to own up and say I got my Danish translations mixed up. This film is actually known as Vikaren, not de Subst...that other word I don't feel like typing again. Second off, I can now say I've seen two films from Ghost House Underground that I've legitimately enjoyed, the other being the criminally underrated Dance of the Dead. I bought this one years ago along with DOTD and honestly just forgot to watch it. I regret that it took me so long to do so. If you put The Faculty, Invaders from Mars, and The Goonies in a blender, you'd get this film.

The cast is very strong, with Paprika Steen playing the title character to near perfection. She's creepy, evil, and even a tad bit amusing at times, which is pretty much what I think anyone would want out of a character like this. Her scene where she first introduces herself to the class is just great, full of amusing, but definitely hurtful dialogue (all directed at the kids). Speaking of the kids, all of the child actors are fine too, though some are obviously given more time to shine than others. They don't try to establish most of these kids as best friends, and to me it felt more like an uneasy, begrudging alliance that solely existed just to find out what the deal with their new "teacher" was. And it worked because of that.

Most of the adults here don't really get the same treatment as their younger co-stars, at least in terms of being well developed or interesting, but the film isn't really about them anyway. Without trying to give away spoilers, I also found it a bit absurd that one of the kids seemed to know how to drive not just a car at one point in the film, but also a bus. But then again, who the hell knows what really goes on in Denmark anyway. My last complaint really would have to be that despite not heavily needing either, the film does prefer using CGI over practical effects and it kind of lessens the enjoyment, but not by much.

Vikaren, a.k.a The Substitute, is still a very fun sci-fi horror film worth checking out though. I don't believe this one is available for streaming, so search out a cheap copy of the DVD if you're interested, or wait to see if something like FEARnet will air it soon.

Tomorrow, I'm doing another double feature, and as luck would have it, THANKSKILLING and SHARK ATTACK 2 are BOTH creature features!

Unseen Terror: Day 25

A small group of friends plan the ultimate bank robbery, which will net them about $2 million if everything goes according to plan. Problem is, they stage the robbery a day too early. Another problem, as it turns out, is that the town they arrive in is about to come under siege from an attack by mysterious, bloodthirsty freaks.

Before you even ask as to why this made the list of movies to review, I'll give you the reason: it was filmed in Wilmington, North Carolina, which happens to be where I reside. I can't help that I'd want to geek out a little by spotting certain recognizable locations. But trust me, if something like Blue Velvet or even The Bleeding had been available for instant streaming, I would easily taken them over this. This is just a very forgettable and stupid horror/heist movie that won't really appeal to anyone except for perhaps those who want to look for familiar surroundings in the background.

The cast is pretty terrible, though I can't say I was surprised. I refuse to believe that any bank robbers, especially those who have presumably done it prior to this incident, could be this unorganized or just plain ignorant as some of these guys were. The script feels nonexistent, and I wouldn't be shocked to find out if a lot of the dialogue was improvised. Big Daddy Kane was probably the best actor in the whole film, he at least looks like he's trying to deliver his lines with some sort of feeling or emotion. D.J. Naylor, a fellow Wilmingtonian, was also decent, but I may be giving him a pass since his character was one of the two not written to be a complete douchebag or moron.

This movie's ultimate downfall though was the one thing that initially didn't concern me with having to even finish it and that was it's runtime. This is 75 minutes long, and it takes us 45 minutes for the horror portion of this film to kick in, where we see our "zompires" as I'll call them. After that, it basically turns into a ghetto version of From Dusk til Dawn meets The Town, except upping the suck factor and rushing everything way too quickly. So in the end, this just isn't really worth checking out. It isn't TERRIBLE like I expected it to be, but like I said above, you're probably going to be watching just to see more of Wilmington in a film.

I morgen vil jeg tage en rejse til Danmark og kontrollere DE SUBSTITUERENDE!

Unseen Terror: Day 24

A tourist town called Ocean Beach (yes, really) has been ridden with a number of murders and disappearances in the past few weeks, with usually nothing but skeletons stripped to the bone being discovered. Soon, suspicions arise that a killer may in the town's midst...a killer octopus that is!

This is one of the those films that solely exists due to Jaws being as successful as it was. The plots and scenes are nearly identical at times, and both involve killer underwater creatures. Hell, there were several knockoffs that were released within a five year gap afterwards, including Piranha, Orca, Tinoterra, and Devil Fish just to name a few. The difference between Jaws and Tentacles though, is that this film sucks ass through a straw. It's hard to believe THREE people wrote this, seeing as how I'm sure even I could have written this in one evening on a bar napkin after a few beers and too many viewings of Animal Planet.

Here's where I'd talk about the cast and/or characters, but I couldn't tell you a single thing about them except that they've all done better than this. Henry Fonda, John Huston, Shelley Winters and Bo Hopkins are all very talented in their own right, but their characters are so forgettably bland that you wonder why they were even in here at all. The dialogue is laughably bad at times, even to the point where I wonder if MST3K ever considered lampooning this one (or if someone could make a version with nothing but quotes from The Room inserted throughout). But as bad as the characters are written, the score is ten times worse. I don't think I've ever heard a more inappropriate score in my life. It alternates between synthrock and disco when it isn't busy barraging us with an EXCRUCIATINGLY annoying harpsichord sound effect, which I guess was supposed to be their version of the classic "Dun Dun" sound heard in Jaws, except this makes you want to throw your own shit at the screen every time you hear it.

Now even with all of that which I've complained about, none of it compares to the final act. Everything at this point had just been stupid and mostly boring. But then, within the last 20 minutes, it descends into madness. And by madness, I mean "you've GOT to be fucking kidding me" mode. SPOILERS BELOW:

Two characters which we know little to nothing about decide to bring in two killer whales to save the day and kill the title creature. One of them even claims he can communicate with them, and asks them, nay, PLEADS with them with as much enthusiasm as a confused camel, to kill it. And guess what? THEY DO! The whales save the day, slowly tugging at it for 10 minutes and finally killing it.

It was at that point when I just said "Alright, fuck this movie." Damn near everything about it sucks, although it is another one I could say to watch with your friends and/or with some drinks present. But if you watch it alone, don't say I didn't warn you.

Tomorrow, I stay in Wilmington, but might regret it since I'm viewing DEAD HEIST.

Unseen Terror: Day 23

T.V. newswoman Karen White is being stalked by a serial killer named Eddie Quist. She agrees with the police to take part in a sting at a pornographic theater in order to get him captured. While the whole ordeal is a success, she suffers from amnesia following the incident, so her therapist decides to send Karen and her husband Bill to a private resort called "The Colony" for treatment. When they arrive, they meet a myriad of strange characters, and also can hear a faint howling in the distance...

Despite having a pretty good following, The Howling is still looked at by some as a very underrated werewolf movie, especially considering that it was released in the same year as An American Werewolf in London. The film separates itself from the pack (no pun intended) by being a very decidedly UN-werewolf movie for most of it's runtime, most notably in the first half. I know I've been saying this for a lot of my reviews so far, but this really does play out like a drama or mystery for the first 30-40 minutes, with little to no mentions of anything supernatural or monster-related. In some regards, it could be viewed as being very slow, but I think it helps build tension rather well. Apparently the first trailers for this film also had little to no mention of werewolves, so that must have added to the mystery even more.

The cast is pretty okay, though there were some parts where Dee Wallace Stone (who I'm convinced will never play anything other than wives or mothers in films) was starting to lose me. Everyone else ranges from good to just plain silly, with my personal favorite being Dick Miller playing a man who informs one of the younger couples in this film about the old mythos with werewolves and even sells silver bullets. Some of the other characters are almost a little too "obvious" with who they are and are trying to be, if you know what I mean. The score of this film was a high spot, done by the same gentleman who scored several Argento films and movies like Carrie. The highest praise I give to the film would be in the makeup department. Rick Baker was originally attached, but left to work on AAWIL. Rob Bottin, his replacement, does an excellent job though, as the transformation sequences look stellar and pretty god damn cool. Too bad that none of the sequels apparently top the work in this though.

So did I love The Howling? Eh, no. But I did really like it. It's got good tension, a decent script, and great makeup. It's ending, which apparently deviates from the book that this was based on, also packed quite a punch and I can see why they would feel the need for a sequel. Now SEVEN sequels? That's pushing it. And before you ask, no I will NOT be reviewing any of the sequels. I have my limits people.

Tomorrow, I take a dip in Italian waters and hope that I don't drown watching TENTACLES.

Unseen Terror: Day 22

Sutter Cane is one of, if not THE most, popular horror writers in the world. When he mysteriously vanishes, his publishing company hires investigator John Trent (Sam Neill) to find him, so that his latest work, In the Mouth of Madness, may be printed soon. He is joined by Cane's editor Linda Styles to help track the enigmatic novelist down, but where they arrive and what they stumble upon may be beyond that of John's, and even humankind's, comprehension.

This film seems to split a lot of people. I've met more than a good amount of people who love the film, and a few who think that it's too disjointed and that director John Carpenter could have done better with it. After watching the film in it's entirety, I could make arguments for both sides being right. The film actually opens in a mental institution, which should immediately (and maybe not so subtly) tell you that what you're about to bare witness to is pretty crazy. The first half of the movie is pretty decent, but somewhat slow. It unfolds like a mystery rather than a horror, usually taking it's time to play tricks on the audience rather than outright scare or disturb you. It's in the latter half where things get particularly interesting, and the movie goes into what I can only describe in internet terms as "OMG WTF?!" mode. Throughout the whole film, there are some questions raised about how large of an impact one writer can have on the general public, and more specifically, his rabid fanbase.

The cast is pretty good. Sam Neill does a fine job here, though I think his accent threw me off at first glance. For what little we see of Jurgen Prochnow, he is pretty creepy as the missing Cane. I think the weak link was Julie Carmen, who doesn't give a bad performance, but just seems like she's losing interest at times in the script. Which is a shame considering that this IS a pretty damn interesting script. It weaves it's influences from H.P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, and Clive Barker together rather well and it's dialogue doesn't feel too forced, all the while making you question what may be real and may not be.

That being said, I do think the final act of this is a bit of a mess. Sure, they wrap most of the open ends up in the very last scene, but it still doesn't really give us a "how" or "why" for one of the biggest reveals in the film (perhaps someone might be able to clue me in if I missed something). But even with that bizarre final act, and a very out of place metal song played at the beginning and end credits (seriously, what was that about?), I'm still recommending In The Mouth of Madness to anyone who likes some good supernatural and psychological horror. This is one I may have to go back and revisit down the line.

Tomorrow, I see a bad moon rising, but hope it doesn't give way to a bad movie with THE HOWLING.

Unseen Terror: Day 21

Initially, I was going to review only one film for today's blog, until I realized just how short it was. A quick look through the new arrivals in the instant queue thankfully helped though, so today we get a double dose of reviews. And what luck, they're both foreign films!

First up is Un Chien Andalou, which translates to "An Andalusian Dog." It's a 1929 short film from director Luis Bunuel, who, over the years, would go on to win multiple Academy Awards in the category of "Best Foreign Film." He co-wrote the film with notable artist and all around weird guy Salvador Dali. Truth be told, I'm not quite sure I could describe the plot to you, but I can describe it as a strange mix of disturbing and fascinating sequences, including a now legendary scene with a woman's eyeball being slit open with a razor. There are lots of bits of symbolism that might take a bit to sink in upon further viewings, which I could recommend you do over time. The soundtrack to this, as short as it may be, is also very addicting in a disturbing sort of way. Overall, a bizarre short that may not make that much sense upon first glance, but it's worth watching nonetheless.

Now, let's fast forward 80+ years later and take a look at Hisss.

A man dying of brain cancer decides upon a last ditch effort in hopes of a cure. He plans to obtain the "Nagmani," something which can grant immortality so long as you get it from the snake god herself, Nagin. Genius that he is, he kidnaps Nagin's lover and hopes that it will lure her to him, so he may take it by force. Nagin soon shapeshifts into a beautiful woman and takes to the city in search of her mate, unintentionally aided by a police chief and his partner.

Hisss is the third full length film from director Jennifer Lynch, who previously directed the 1993 drama Boxing Helena. She's also the offspring of David Lynch, though looking at her previous works, one could make the argument that talent doesn't run in the family. This film's a bit of a mess, though I will say it wasn't nearly as terrible as some of the other films I've endured myself to watch. The makeup for Nagin, played decently well by former model Mallika Sherawat, is pretty good by Bollywood standards and her transformation scene from snake to woman is, dare I say, kind of cool looking. It also doesn't hurt that she's gorgeous to boot, looking like a more natural version of Kim Kardashian without the cartoonishly gigantic ass.

That might be where the praise ends though. The rest of the film is just plain bad, playing like a mixture of a bad Bollywood thriller, a crappy made-for-TV SyFy film, and an erotic horror. The acting from the rest of the cast is either static or just plain horrendous (I'm looking at you Jeff Doucette). It didn't help that most of the cast are playing barely there characters. Heck, I don't think I could name any of the characters' names without checking IMDB again. This also could be the first film where I've seen them play an advisory warning BEFORE the film begins, telling the audience that none of these people are real, none of the snakes in here are real, and the ones harmed are fake. I know it's a culture thing, but I just have to wonder if they really needed to keep that in the U.S. cut (I really am an ignorant American apparently). Speaking of the snakes, the CG in this is bad enough to make Asylum films look good in comparison. The film also alternates between the cast speaking Hindi and English, and it just feels odd, like they're not quite sure which audience they're trying to appeal to.

Overall, I can't really recommend this one. It wasn't offensively terrible, but there's just no payoff or even real reason to sit down and watch it. Well, perhaps if you had friends and drinks present. But even then, Hisss Ssstinksss.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping John Carpenter can redeem himself after the schlockfest that was VOTD with IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS.

Unseen Terror: Day 20

In the California desert, a lone tire named Robert "awakens" one day and decides to go on a killing spree using psychokinesis to make random things, usually heads, explode. Meanwhile, an audience watches on...literally.

Before I start with my review, I can't help but go back to a simple quote Mr. Martin Thomas (aka Leon) of spill.com said several years ago; he simply said "Trailers lie." That couldn't have been more obvious with the case of the French/American film Rubber, which tries to be something that it clearly isn't. At first glance, you might be expecting a Troma-style gorefest. Well, you're partially right. The kills in this film are decent, but they aren't enough to make up for the rest of the film. This film, surprising as it is to say, is one of the most pretentious and flat out slow films you're likely to ever see. It speaks down to it's audience, immediately telling you in the opening monologue that sometimes, things just happen for "no reason." Sorry, but I believe everything happens for a reason, whether we KNOW the reason or not is something we discover over time.

One of the big distinguishable things about this film is the constant cutting to an "audience" observing Robert's antics and killings. I suppose this was supposed to satirize modern horror crowds being clueless or having too many absurd questions about something they should "just go with," but the way they're presented is just flat out annoying, and it feels condescending towards it's own audience, which largely IS the horror fanbase. Speaking of the "audience" in the film, they, along with pretty much everyone else in here, range from being linear to flat out nonexistent, poorly written characters.

I do NOT like films that speak down to their audience, and especially ones that essentially preach about us being "stupid for not "getting it." Sorry, Rubber, but there's nothing to get here and there's nothing salvageable about your film. It's not good at being a horror, it's not good at being a satire, it's not even good at being a comedy. It's snobby art-school students making a "meta" movie without liking any of the genres it's poking fun at.

Or, if you'd like me to put this a little more eloquently,

Fuck Rubber.

Tomorrow, I do a double dose of foreign flicks with Un Chien Andalou and Hisss.

Unseen Terror: Day 19

On the night of Earth passing through the tail of a rogue comet, something that hasn't occurred since the time of the dinosaurs, everyone is celebrating the upcoming event. Everyone except for sisters Regina and Samantha, who are stuck at work and their house respectively. When both wake up in the morning, they see that civilization as we know it has vanished, leaving behind piles of red ash and clothing in place of people. They soon reunite with one another and try to figure out what the hell just happened to earth. Well, in between finding potential survivors, looking for true love, running into zombies, and shopping with no worries that is.

I'm not quite sure what to call this one. It definitely isn't a pure horror film, but then again, it isn't pure ANYTHING. I guess you could call it a potpourri movie, taking in influence from horror, science fiction, comedy, drama, romance and the post-apocalyptic genres. It's got a good enough charm as well to thankfully remain watchable for it's 95 minute runtime. Admittedly, it did get a little slow at times, but seemed to bring itself back around well enough.

The cast is pretty entertaining, with Kelli Maroney being the standout of the bunch. She's a good mixture of charming, amusing, and spunky as the younger of the two sisters. Catherine Mary Stewart, playing the older sister, is pretty good, though I think a later romance angle we see between her and a male co-star felt a bit underdeveloped. The girls do have a good chemistry though, and the scene the two have together in a deserted mall is nothing but pure 80s cheesy fun (complete with "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" playing in the background). The only person in the cast I recognized here was Mary Woronov, who I previously saw on this list in TerrorVision, as a scientist who may or may not have an explanation as to what caused humanity to be wiped out. I thought it was kind of amusing to see a poster for Death Race 2000 earlier in the film, one of Woronov's earlier works. The cinematography is well done too for the most part, driving home the point of isolation.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not endlessly praising this. Much like The Lost Boys, it's definitely a product of the 80s, and you have to know what you're getting into beforehand. There's also an incredibly irritating scene early on involving a "nightmare within a nightmare" that just makes you wonder why they even felt the need to include it in the first place. And the fact that there is so much in terms of genre mixups thrown in might be too much for some, or make them wonder what it's even trying to be.

Me though? I had a good enough time with this to recommend it to people with some free time who are into 80s flicks. And I know I'll get some shit for saying this, but I wouldn't mind seeing a remake of this. If you could update it enough to fit the 21st century without seeming obnoxious, I'd be completely behind it.

Tomorrow, I try to fix some of the damage to my car with some new tires, but the tire in RUBBER may have other plans.

Unseen Terror: Day 18

A small town in California is getting ready for an annual something-or-other, when inexplicably, everyone faints. When every person comes to, all the women in the town (at least, all the legal ones) discover that they are pregnant. Nine months later, everyone gives birth. Well, everyone except one woman who loses her child (more on that later in the film). All the children who survive childbirth grow up to be surprisingly intelligent, not to mention that every child, be it female or male, have platinum white hair, cold eyes, and pale skin. The people in town soon suspect that these children may not be completely normal, or even human...

Village of the Damned is a remake of a 1960 film of the same name and the same basic premise. I'll admit that I've never seen the original, but I don't think it'd be hard to imagine that it's probably just as silly, but far more well done. Have you ever wondered what it would have been like if John Carpenter directed a remake of an older horror flick again? Well, you might want to ignore this film's existence then. This feels like John Carpenter directing a made for TV movie based off a mediocre Stephen King adaptation. Admittedly, this ISN'T a work of Stephen King's but you still get the point, hopefully.

The cast is a bit of an odd one. Christopher Reeve, playing the main character and head doctor of the town, goes in and out of "caring" mode here, but overall doesn't do that bad. It's nice to see him doing something again that he shortly thereafter would never do again: breathe. (too soon?) Kirstie Alley I can't say the same for, she seemed to be rushing some of her lines, implying that she'd rather be reading something Xenu-approved in this film's place. Mark Hamill as the town priest is just...odd. I just don't think he was cast well in that role, and there's a point in the film where he tries to assassinate one of the kids with a hunting rifle. Think of that scene in your head for a moment: Mark Hamill, Luke Skywalker himself, dressed like a priest, menacingly aiming at a white-haired kid with a hunting rifle. A truly hysterical moment, whether Carpenter intended it to be or not.

Not all the film is bad though. The score isn't too bad, though it's nothing to write home about either. I also thought most of the child actors here were better than the adults, with Thomas Dekker and Lindsey Haun playing two of the evil children rather well. Speaking of Haun, I wonder what she looks like now. She was a pretty creepy kid...

Well helllooooooo nurse!

God I'm a creep.

Anyway, the film just isn't very good. Far too funny to be scary (although one scene with a woman lighting herself on fire was kind of cool), too tame for Carpenter, the editing is TERRIBLE, there's no moments of real suspense (at one point, they tease that the town will be bombed, but nothing comes about from it and it's never mentioned again), characters suck, yadda yadda yadda. Just go watch anything better from Carpenter, like Halloween or The Thing.

Tomorrow, I check out a film about the apocalypse! Or zombies! Or...a SciFi? What the HELL do you call NIGHT OF THE COMET anyway?!

Unseen Terror: Day 17

A man nicknamed Sixpack, who is a member of a group of underwater miners, stumbles across a sunken Russian ship. He excitedly brings aboard some "treasure" to show to the rest of the crew. Some of the staff discover some information about the sunken ship, named Leviathan, that causes some concern about why it possibly sank. Over time, Sixpack falls ill and the ship's doctor, through some tissue analyzation, discovers he may be mutating. But how? Soon, the crew may have to deal with an underwater threat that may have best been left unearthed...

Leviathan feels like one giant mistake throughout it's entire running time. Not because it's necessarily a terrible film (save for the last five minutes), but just because there is so much talent involved with such a mediocre movie. First, the cast. You've got Peter Weller, Ernie Hudson, Richard Crenna, and Daniel Stern. All competent actors in their own right. Sadly, none of their characters are written as being remotely interesting whatsoever, with the slight exception of Hudson, who should have been cast in the lead role instead of Weller. Speaking of Weller, I could have sworn he was sleepwalking for about 95% of this. Maybe he was just there to collect a paycheck. He and the rest of this crew act incredibly nonchalant when it comes to shocking moments such as crew member deaths, but somehow seem to come alive when they're told at one point that they may be stuck underwater for a few more hours than expected.

The crew involved here is also exceptionally talented, which is why the blandness of hurts even more. You've got the director of Tombstone and Rambo, the writers for films like Die Hard, Blade Runner, and Unforgiven, music by Jerry Goldsmith, and Stan Winston doing the creature work. So how do they work out? Well, the director directs this about as well as he did his film prior to this one, Cobra. The script is just lazy too for the most part. The film feels like a pastiche of Alien and The Thing, without any of the tension or interesting characters that helped make those movies the classics they are. There's a moment in the first act that tries to make the viewer feel nervous, but it just doesn't work considering that it takes place within the first five minutes, and we haven't gotten to know ANYBODY yet, and therefore, simply don't care. Goldsmith's score is just...odd. At times way too upbeat for a film like this, and at other times, way too serious for a movie about an underwater monster.

Not surprisingly, Winston is the only one who seems to deliver. The monster isn't one of his best works, but for what little we see of it, it looks relatively cool. Oh excuse me, until the end that is. We get a full shot of the fully mutated creature in the last 10 minutes, and I'm sorry, but it really just looked silly. I guess some things really do work better in small doses.

This just isn't a very good film. It's mediocrity kills any potential for rewatching, and the last five minutes of the film certainly don't help either. Oh, and don't worry about that tagline. We don't really get much action in the water, if any at all. You're better off sticking with any of the films this one takes it's "influence" from or even something like The Abyss.

Tomorrow, I may need to spank some naughty children in VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED.

Unseen Terror: Day 16

Two police officers on patrol in the New Mexico desert come across a little girl, who is roaming around by herself and in a complete state of shock. Soon afterwards, they discover a destroyed trailer and convenience store, wondering who or what could have caused the damage. At first, signs point to a potential murderer, but a local FBI agent dismisses that notion when they notice spilled bowls of sugar at the locations, along with no real valuables stolen. With the assistance of some entomologists called in to help investigate the crime, the group of people find the true culprit: giant ants, mutated by atomic testing.

As a kid, I remember seeing plenty of trailers for this one around the time that I was starting to get into the "Kaiju Eiga" genre, but somehow never got around to seeing it until now. While the Japanese made the influential and impacting Gojira, we, the Americans, ran wild with variations more on the silly side of things, including films with gila monsters, praying mantises, shrews, and eventually ants. Honestly, I'm kind of happy I saw this now as opposed to when I was a kid. It isn't as rampant with monster action as I would have thought it'd be, but it sort of works better because of it. The tone throughout most of the movie is more akin to a murder mystery than a horror film, something I didn't expect but ended up liking.

These films are usually notorious for one of two things; hokey acting and laughable looking creatures. Surprisingly, this one isn't overbearing with either, at least compared to some of the shlock I've seen before. I thought the actor playing the FBI agent was pretty wooden at times, but everyone else was at least showing that they were there to work. The effects are kind of hit or miss, with the best shot of the ants being the very first two or three times we see them. For 50s monster props, they looked pretty menacing. The queen ants though...yikes. Was it too much to afford something that wasn't cardboard?

The score is also a strong point here, but again, I have a soft spot for stuff like this. Plus, hearing wilhelm screams is never not funny, even if they did use the sound effect abundantly here. Most of the cinematography and camera work is surprisingly good, but there are times it relies a little too much on "off screen" descriptions, such as a scene where we see a body in the morgue, with no actual sight of it despite vivid details of said individual. Maybe I'm just a spoiled gore hound, I dunno. I also liked the end sequence, which more than made up for the lull of the third act.

Them! is very enjoyable if you're into these type of films, but otherwise, I'm not sure I'd recommend it to Joe Public. A good entry in the field of radioactive monster movies that deserves it's fanbase that ages better than most would believe.

Tomorrow, I go for a dive and hope to come up for air with Leviathan.

Unseen Terror: Day 15

The Puttermans, a middle class family (which includes yuppie swinger parents, and a lizard-tail loving grandpa), install a new satellite dish outside their house, only to discover over time that it harbors an alien that can materialize from their TV and has a seemingly never-ending appetite.

You know how some folks say "too much TV will kill ya?" Well, they certainly weren't kidding here. TerrorVision is probably the best thing I've seen that has the name Charles Band attached to it (he produced and co-wrote this). I admit, I'm not a humongous fan of the Puppet Master films outside of the first 2-3, and Full Moon Entertainment isn't really my thing, but this film is just a flat out silly, fun horror comedy. At first glance, one could play a game of "hey, it's THAT guy!" with the cast. Everyone seems to know that this won't be up for any awards any time soon, and they decide to roll with the punches. I wished I had seen more of the Grandfather character, played by Bert Remsen, but that's a small complaint. The supporting characters are a bit hit or miss. There's a horror movie hostess named Medusa, a decent parody of the busty character Elvira. The daughter's boyfriend (played by Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite!), a wannabe rockstar named O.D., annoyed me quite a bit, but that might have been due to the fact that I still don't like seeing metalheads stereotyped as buffoons and bullies. They're still quite funny when they need to be though.

I did sense a bit of an undertone here with how badly television can change one's personality and morals, such as a scene where two of the Puttermans and O.D. debate over putting the alien ON T.V. as opposed to hiding in it. But make no mistake, the film is still really stupid. Thankfully, it's also quite funny, and it is a pretty unique idea for a horror movie, so it somewhat balances itself out. The monster itself looks pretty ludicrous, but you grow to like it over time. He himself even sort of develops as a character over time, and by the end, I kind of wanted to see more of him. Hell, I wouldn't mind seeing a sequel to this truth be told, even if it is over 20 years old now.

Sadly, this one isn't officially out on DVD, but it is available on Netflix Instant Stream, and most likely you can find a bootleg at assorted conventions. It's definitely worth a watch (despite an ending that just seemed kind of rushed), and you can even see how it most likely influenced other modern horror-comedies like Slither.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna attempt to rid myself of some giant, pesky mutated insects with THEM!

Unseen Terror: Day 14

In 1994 Manhattan, the threat of disease-carrying cockroaches wiping out a whole generation of children is high. Entomologist Susan Tyler is called to task, and through some genetic engineering, creates a new breed of insect called the Judas breed, which is designed to release enzymes that will kill off the roaches by increasing their metabolism. Shockingly, this works. Susan is met with high praise, and she tells others that the Judas breed should die off in about 6 months, given that only one male was produced. Three years later, people are disappearing in and around the subway system of New York. Susan and her colleagues suspect that maybe, just maybe, their little experiments have survived, and perhaps, been evolving.

1997's Mimic was something I had always wanted to see, but never gotten around to. I always confused it with a similar sounding film released that year, The Relic, though both are obviously different. This is a pretty fun, though a tad bit dated, Sci-Fi Creature Feature horror film. Director Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy 1 & 2), who also co-wrote the screenplay, certainly knows how to set the tone right, and some of his famous trademarks which I had seen previously, are represented here pretty well (i.e. his hatred of kids, bizarre but fascinating monsters).

The film's creatures are a mix of CGI and practical effects. As expected, the practical ones are gooey, gross, and just flat out creepy at times. I imagine that back during it's original theatrical run the CGI looked better to audiences, because now it looked a tad bit too obvious. Speaking of creepy, I was a bit surprised at how tense I was for part of this. I mean, it IS a movie about killer insects, and yet I felt quite nervous for the characters involved. Good directing I guess.

The film does have some problems, such as Mira Sorvino (who, by the way, looks remarkably like Jenna Fischer...or is that the other way around?) being a bit flat here and there, but she isn't really bad either. Charles Dutton, though entertaining, was pretty much playing a character right out of the "Big Book of Black Stereotypes" as a loud, rambunctious cop. But this is a monster movie, so it's a tad bit hard to critique most of the performances here. And man, I know most of the third act takes place in the sewers, but DAMN was this film dark.

I enjoyed Mimic as being good fun, even if Del Toro himself has expressed disappoint in the film over the years. I do know that a Director's Cut was just released on Blu-Ray not that long ago (and there are two sequels, neither of which I have a strong desire to see), so maybe I'll end up seeking that out just to see how much was really tampered with. But for now, the theatrical run is a-okay in my book.

Tomorrow, maybe I finally follow my parents' advise and turn off the damn TV...that is, after I watch TERRORVISION.

Unseen Terror: Day 13

Well, I decided to grit my teeth, be a man, and sit down to watch one of the most terrifying 80s horror films imaginable, this one dealing with a poor woman down on her luck, entering a town that wants her dead!

I watched...

What, you were expecting a SERIOUS post for day 13? Oh, sorry then.

Anyways, most of you should be familiar with Elvira, the buxom horror movie hostess played by Cassandra Peterson for nearly 30 years. If you're not, do a quick wikipedia or youtube search. She was fairly amusing, and I do like what she and the likes of the MST3K crew did with bad films (note: I can see the hate I'm going to get for even mentioning both in the same sentence). Well, it turns out they made a movie based around her in 1988. Yeah, I didn't know there was one either. Kind of wished I hadn't found out to be honest.

The film opens with Elvira quitting her job after the new owner of the TV station she works for sexually harasses her. While wondering about what she will do now since her show will most likely go kaput, she soon discovers that her great aunt Morgana has passed on and is set to leave her with (hopefully) a nice fortune, one that Elvira hopes will help land her a nice gig in Las Vegas. She arrives in the uptight town of Falwell, Massachusetts (no doubt a dig at JERRY Falwell), and her attitude & appearance causes quite an uproar among the quite conservative townsfolk.

I'm not quite sure how to really rate this film. It's stupid. Like, really stupid. And yet, I couldn't quite bring myself to hate it, despite it not aging well at all past 1988. Heck, most of the jokes or gags in here feel like they could have thrown a laugh track behind them and nobody would have noticed. The characters are bland as all hell, especially love interest Bob (who looks like if Lou Ferrigno ate Jose Canseco). The main villains are right out of the "Big Book of Cliches," though I do have to wonder if the character of Patty could be the aunt of the "Mondays" woman from Office Space. It takes the film about 50 minutes to remember that there's an actual plot, which involves her evil uncle trying to steal a book of spells that belonged to her aunt. There's a lot wrong with this.

But like I said above, I really didn't hate this. It's almost SUCH a product of the 80s, that it's almost too cruel to pick on it. Peterson plays her character so obnoxiously over-the-top, that somehow I didn't find her annoying. Then again, it could have been her magnificent...talent, that kept me from turning it off. Even the film's end sequence (which proves that EVERY year in the 80s, you had to get at least one or two films with musical numbers) is sort of charming, even if it does make you want to claw your face off. Heck, maybe that bitchin' suitcase she carried with her at the beginning just made me say "fuck it, I don't care what else happens in this film now. Elvira, your suitcase won me over."

I'm just not quite sure why I didn't completely hate this.

Maybe it's the boobs.

Yeah, it's probably the boobs.

Tomorrow, I try to solve a pesky roach problem with MIMIC.