This one is covering the worst movies I saw in 2008. I will admit that a couple of these are technically films from 2007 that didn't see release of any sorts until this year (and on DVD nonetheless). But heck it still counts dang it! Here are ten films I would never wish on my worst enemy.
10. Trapped Ashes- I barely remember anything about this film, other than killer breasts. Literally. Hell I think I actually fell asleep after that segment. Its another one of those "tales compilation" films along the lines of Creepshow, Tales from the Hood, etc. Only not clever. Or memorable.
9. Semi-Pro-Will Farrell is officially dead to me. I couldn't stand Blades of Glory, and this was only better by a hair. I've heard that Step Brothers was actually MUCH worse than this, but after seeing him do yet another "loud, obnoxious sports figure who comes out on top in the end," I think I'm done giving him chances to prove that he has any versatility as an actor.
8. American Crude-A crazy tale revolving around murder, trannys, and affairs with Rob Schneider, Ron Livingston, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jennifer Esposito, and Missi Pyle? While it sounds slightly intriguing, it isn't. The characters are all pretty unlikable, plus it seems like a weaker version of Big Trouble. Which in itself wasn't a very good movie either.
7. Harold and Kumar 2: Escape from Guantanamo Bay-God damn it. I REALLY didn't want this to suck. I loved the first film quite a bit, even with its flaws. They just focused too much on the crude humor in this one. And c'mon now: you can't have a movie with Kal Penn cumming on his own face then expect to try and talk seriously about the horrors of Guantanamo Bay and how it's wrong to stereotype people. Plus THEY SMOKE UP WITH GEORGE BUSH AT THE END. What fucking stoner do you know would be willing to do that? Most I know would rather smoke HIM than smoke WITH him.
6. Strange Wilderness-An earlier release that I allllmost forgot about until I rewatched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I reminded myself that Jonah Hill had co-starred in this really shitty faux-po "documentary" about a TV show crew who set out in search of Bigfoot. I admit that I got a couple of laughs out of this one (had I not it probably would have made top 3), but they were mainly due to the actual nature footage they spliced in. What a colossal misfire. So many talented people couldn't save this shit sandwich.
5. Drillbit Taylor-I didn't laugh a single time. Not ONCE. Hell even my #1 movie got a chuckle out of me. Mind you it was A chuckle, not several. But anyway, this was just plain terrible. I can't say I blame Owen Wilson for wanting to end his life after seeing this, though if he HAD passed away with this being the last film under his belt, that would be even more tragic. What was worse was that I watched the "Unrated" cut of the film. You would figure they had cut some raunchy or risky material that could have prevented them from getting their initial PG-13 rating, but they didn't. It was still a flat, lifeless piece of drivel.
4. Inside-Technically a 2007 film (as was Trapped Ashes), but again, it didn't see release until this year. It's sad when you see a film that has strong potential to be good go to absolute hell so fast. The French had concocted some pretty decent horror films so far, but they've all had their flaws. And no more are they apparent than here. Stupid characters making even stupider decisions, an ending that just feels like a gigantic middle finger, and less than perfect acting brought this down faster than I could have imagined. What a shame.
3. 10,000 B.C.-Hey guys! Let's take the plot from Apocalypto, throw some little parts from the Lost World and Quest For Fire in, make the CGI look like utter crap, and get the guy behind Godzilla to direct! It's sure to be a hit! Well...no.
2. Jumper-My mother actually saw this before I did and vehemently told me to stay as far away as possible. She and I usually share common ground on films, and even though I thought the trailer for this looked like garbage, I decided to tough it out on DVD. I really should listen to her more. What a pile of elephant shit. Hayden Christiansen CAN. NOT. ACT. I'm sorry but the guy can't seem to show any emotion whatsoever. Who cares if he's "OMG LYKE SOOOO HAWT?" The guy is more wooden than Keanu Fucking Reeves. Samuel Jackson also proved to me that he'll do anything for a paycheck. What baffled me the most was the real lack of an explanation as to WHY the Jumpers were being hunted. They just seemed to tell the audience "shut up, you don't need to know!" Ridiculous. I heard they were actually doing a sequel to this too. This may be one of the first times that I, a staunch Agnostic, ask of God "Please do everything in your power to NOT make this happen."
And now my worst film of 2008...
1. Meet the Spartans-Do I really need to explain WHY this is a piece of garbage? I thankfully didn't have to pay money to see this and, had I done that, I probably would have beaten up the theater manager and demanded my money back. No I waited for this to hit DVD. And per the request of my good friend Will Poole, I rented it (FOR FREE) in order to see just how bad this film was. Neither one of us had seen Date Movie or Epic Movie, and I don't think we intend to. You know the whole thing about "oh God it's even worse than I imagined?" Well, that's never been more true than with this film. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are the worst directors in the world. Yes worse than Uwe Boll. Yes worse than Paul W.S. Anderson. Yes worse than Michael Bay. Yes worse than Roland Emmerich. They can't write a remotely clever joke to save their lives. Actually, scratch that. These aren't jokes. They're REFERENCES. Jokes are funny. These are just excuses to namedrop current films/shows/whatever you're making fun of. Here's a hint guys: IT ISN'T FUNNY IF YOU HAVE TO FULLY EXPLAIN THE JOKE TO THE AUDIENCE.
God fuck this movie. I'd rather 69 Marlon Brando's rotting corpse than to ever see anything of theirs again.
Well thats it for the worst movies of 2008. I'll be back in a day or so with the BEST movies.
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