Riding the Bullet is based on one of Stephen King’s lesser-known
works, and it was released as the author’s first “online only” publication,
available exclusively as an e-book for the low price of $2.50. Thankfully those
who don’t wish to stare at a bright screen all day were able to read the novel
in a full two years when it was included in his “Everything’s Eventual”
collection. It’s one of two stories featured in that release that made its way
to the big screen (the other being 2007’s 1408, which I think I’ve
seen?). The story is set in the late 60s with a young man (Jonathan Jackson of
soap opera mainstay General Hospital) hitchhiking his way to a hospital
to see his dying mother, only to be picked up by an eccentric, almost
otherworldly figure (David Arquette of Scream fame and former WCW world
champion). For most of its running time, Riding the Bullet is edited in
such a way that it legitimately started giving me a headache. The amount of
cutaway and/or flashback sequences makes you wonder if you’ve accidentally been
sucked into a Seth MacFarlane program. I’m also starting to realize that
despite my respect for director Mick Garris and his appreciation for horror
history and the art of the genre itself, he has a WILDLY inconsistent body of
work (at least when he’s sitting in the big chair). I appreciate the little nod
to Christine though with the appearances of the infamous Plymouth Fury
car. I don’t believe that was present in the source material, but it’s still a
cute wink to the audience. It takes about 50 minutes for the flick to get
remotely interesting, but that’s only because we finally to get see Arquette
pop up as our real antagonist. His wonderfully weird performance alone makes me
want to put this into the “tossup” category, because prior to his introduction,
it’s just a very mediocre flick.
At the end of the day, that’s what Riding the Bullet is:
an average, if not slightly dull Stephen King adaptation of a book that nobody
seems to talk about anymore. It’s miles ahead of efforts such as Dreamcatcher
or The Langoliers, but it’s nowhere near as solid as previously
reviewed entries like Gerald’s Game or The Dead Zone. If you’ve
got ninety minutes to kill, you could find worse ways to spend your time.
Alright, let’s wrap up this round of Stephen King works
with…..oh no.
I’m never going to escape this franchise, am I?
If you recall, for last year’s Unseen Terror marathon, I
delved into the world of “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” (a.k.a. the Children
of the Corn series). In layman’s terms, I truly believe it is the very
worst horror movie franchise out there, and that’s because I don’t think I’ve
ever seen a single good film during its 40-year-long run (The Final
Sacrifice is dumb fun, but that’s a faint compliment). I managed to avoid
the 2009 “SyFy Channel premiere” remake from 2009 because it seemed almost
impossible to find unless you had a region-free Blu-Ray player and an
exorbitant amount of money to spend. Crisis (temporarily) averted.
Unfortunately, I discovered that some poor soul made the mistake of uploading
this to YouTube of all places less than a year ago, so I guess I MUST finally
finish this franchise before it finishes me.
You should know the basis for Children of the Corn at
this point, so I’m not going over the synopsis again. I will say that from a
storyline standpoint, this is the most faithful to Stephen King’s original
short story (save for Disciples of the Crow from 1983, but that’s
considered a short film). That, however, is also its biggest weakness because
oh dear lord these are THE most unlikeable protagonists I’ve seen in this
entire franchise. When this young couple aren’t spending time bickering with
one another, they’re constantly reminding the audience that the husband used to
be in the marines or they’re even smacking the wife. While I’m not a
screenwriter, I don’t think the series has ever set out to make you root more
for the evil kids than anyone intended to be a hero. This is incompetence at
its very finest. It doesn’t help that the lead performers (David Anders of iZombie
fame and Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica) just don’t seem
to vibe well with each other. Did I mention the NAGGING and bickering by the
way? Yeah? Well, that’s too bad because it drags this movie down into a hole
that it can’t get out of. Also, making fun of someone for serving in Vietnam
and likely having PTSD is just fucking gross, especially when the person doing
the bullying is supposed to be someone you’re rooting for. There’s also a
really mortifying scene involving the members of the congregation watching
teenagers fornicate in front of everyone. How classy, how necessary. Ick.
2009’s Corn remake sports a sepia tone all throughout
its running time that is intended to make this feel creepy, but just makes it
look cheap and gaudy. Speaking of “creepy,” I almost miss the over-the-top
performances of the original film’s Isaac and Malakai because the new cast of
youngins’ just aren’t very good. I hate criticizing the acting of kids, but I
feel like everyone looks either disinterested or is just so flat. It’s like the
entire cast took their classes from the same guy from the “Shooter’s gonna choke” scene in Happy Gilmore. There’s a cheap bit of nostalgia bait by
playing snippets of the original film’s theme, but all it’ll make the audience
want to do is revisit that picture instead. I mean, that original film is awful
too, but at least it’s memorable.
It's very rare for me to genuinely hate a movie when I watch
it for this marathon, but I LOATHED nearly every second of 2009’s Children
of the Corn. For all the annoyance and anger that came to the surface,
there was a moment of respite seeing the annoying wife get blown up in a car
(though her corpse is shown later to be in fairly decent-looking condition
after she’s crucified on corn stalks). Other than that? It’s pure torture from
beginning to end. Fuck this movie, fuck this franchise, fuck the people
involved (seriously, how did Vamp screenwriter Donald P. Borchers find
himself writing and directing this?), and fuck YouTube for not taking it down
immediately. But on the plus side? I’m done with it all now. There are no more
movies to watch. No more in development (that I know of). Stephen King has yet
to revisit the fictional town of Gatlin, Nebraska. It’s over.
Finally.
I’m free.
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