Unseen Terror 2016: Day 29, Day 30, & Day 31

Well.....this is awkward. Honestly, outside of hanging out a few times with a beautiful lady who seems to dig me, I can't give any sort of valid excuse or explanation for why I am so late on finishing this year's edition of the marathon. Sadly, due to these circumstances and situations, I had to miss a scheduled screening of The Thing from Another World, which was my initial choice for day twenty-nine. Regardless of whatever happened, I have a job to do god damn it, so let's knock the rest of these out of the way, shall we?

The most important factors to me for deciding to check out 2008's Dark Floors came from the knowledge of it being a release from Ghost House Pictures (the production company co-founded by Evil Dead mastermind Sam Raimi), setting it in an abandoned hospital, and from seeing William Hope (Lt. Gorman from Aliens) as the lead performer. What will attract most of everyone else is the presence of Lordi as the sinister beasts perusing and haunting the premises.......yes, THAT Lordi. And for those reading this review while asking "who in the world is Lordi?" I suppose that the most appropriate description would be what would happen if you sucked all of the cool out of Gwar or Ghoul and replaced it with songs made by a group of people with matching Kiss tattoos. Sadly, they are for Kiss' Dynasty-era, and not Destroyer.


This Finnish production's story, from what one can seem to decipher, revolves around a young autistic girl named Sarah. The child's father is unhappy with the progress that her hospital has failed to make, so he takes her and they board an elevator along with other strangers from different backgrounds and professions. As the collective wait to be taken to their respective floors, they stop unexpectedly before they can reach their destination; finding themselves being stalked by demonic-looking creatures who may have possibly won the Eurovision Song Contest two years prior to these events. Despite this fairly basic concept, Dark Floors does have some potential buried underneath a ton of layers. But my goodness, those are some hideously ugly ones. The film feels extremely rushed, with the screenwriters (and even some of the performers themselves) seemingly acting like they aren't even sure about the direction in which it is headed. True, this can provide for some occasional quirky, genuine moments in other mediums (the cast of AMC's The Walking Dead was reported to have been left in the dark in regards to who would die in the newest season premiere, even going so far as to film multiple, alternate deaths), but everyone just seems confused, and it begins to rub off on the audience after a short amount of time. Due to its awkward pacing and very matter-of-fact dialogue, we are barely afforded any time in which we should get to know, or care about any of these characters. Couple that with the fairly terrible melodramatic acting, and you have something that was far too reminiscent of releases like Stephen King miniseries The Langoliers, the live-action adaptation of The Girl on the Train, or a fan-made Silent Hill film.


Despite my love for anything that connects heavy metal and horror (seriously, why aren't you watching Deathgasm or Black Roses instead of reading this?), I can't in good conscious recommend that anyone save for diehard Lordi fans watch Dark Rooms. Its problems make the movie feel like it's stuck in quicksand, and worse yet, the final conclusion for the flick doesn't really give us a great explanation for what in the world we just watched for nearly ninety minutes. Plus....we're still talking about Lordi here. Even if you are a well-versed fan, there aren't any drastic alterations made to their costumes or attires, so when they start attacking or terrorizing people, all you keep thinking to yourself is "man, that 'hard rock hallelujah' band is pissed off over something that I can't quite comprehend." This musical gathering (whose own cheeseball song "Beast Loose in Paradise" plays during the credits) may appear to be frightening if you have children that are still in preschool, but to everyone else, they just look extremely goofy. It makes me wonder as to how this could have been marketed to a single soul in Finland, especially when you consider how famous they are in their native country. Perhaps if you are in the mood to ponder such an unnecessary question, you could throw your money down the drain by buying it on DVD, or streaming it for free on HBO Go.




So, what can I inject into my brain that will erase the awful memories of this hellish Helsinki failure?

Ahhh, just what the doctor ordered.


....I'm not apologizing for that joke.


Before anyone decides to jump on me, I must clarify that I HAVE seen Re-Animator on more than a few occasions, though it has admittedly been some time since I last paid a visit to Dr. Herbert West and his laboratory full of ideas that explore the possibility of reviving dead tissue. But god damn, is there any better example of how to pick yourself back up after sitting through cinematic excrement? Well, at least in terms of media-related ways I mean.


As I established multiple times throughout the past, it seems wholly futile to discuss the greatness of particular motion pictures that are already well-respected in the horror community. What more can I say about movies like Evil Dead 2, The Thing, or anything else with credibility and stature that hasn't already been uttered throughout several decades? And yet, I was compelled to watch Stuart Gordon's big screen take on the titular H.P. Lovecraft story specifically because I have ran into far too many people at work, be they customers or not, who have never bothered to bat an eye at Re-Animator. The plot for this bad boy concerns a scientist named Herbert West (played by the extremely underrated, charismatic Jeffrey Combs) who has been experimenting with a serum that he has developed which can bring that which is recently deceased back to life, though with mixed results in terms of post-revival behavior.


If you are going to be meticulous about adapting short stories into full-length feature films, then I suppose that you could be a bit cross about adding side plots to Gordon and producer Brian Yuzna's reworking. Still, it's hard to even tell the difference between the two sources, as they spice up what was already a fairly fascinating story by injecting a lot of dark humor into the script and making sure that Herbert himself is not entirely unsympathetic. Much of that comes from a lot of wacky, black comedy, including multiple moments of corpses freaking out over their sudden return to the land of the living (the squabble between Combs and a pet cat is quite hilarious). There is an abundance of morbid charm and finesse that helps take it to the next level of excellence. More of the adoration comes from the strong cast, including standouts from previous season favorite From Beyond like the aforementioned Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton, and Black Scorpion veteran Bruce Abbott. Nobody here does a bad job at all, with the devilishly creepy David Gale (star of another Unseen Terror entry titled The Brain) turning in a very memorable performance that only seems to get darker with every second that passes. For the very select few women who have never seen Re-Animator before: the final ten minutes could leave you traumatized, even if it's only for a temporary moment or two.


There is just so much to love and adore about Stuart Gordon's Re-Animator, which is one of the more wholly unique, creative, and hysterical takes on the concept of the zombie/Frankenstein formulas (pun intended). Perhaps in future Unseen Terrors, I will venture into the land of its sequels, which while receiving very mixed reviews, have always piqued my interest. If you are in the mood for something dementedly entertaining, Re-Animator is available for streaming on Netflix, as it is on newer horror-based subscription service Shudder. But hey, why not be more ambitious and just shell out a few bucks for the Blu-Ray instead?




Well, that will do it for....wait a minute, I can't end this on a movie that I've already seen. I have to throw in at least one more addition to the catalogue, don't I?

How oddly fitting that we began this year's marathon with a picture revolving around the horrors of man's mistakes (The Return of Godzilla), and now conclude with one about its own twisted beliefs (or lack thereof). For reasons unknown to even myself, I had never gone out of my way to watch 1973's highly-regarded and beloved The Wicker Man. It's a picture whose reputation as one of the best pieces of British cinema has grown exponentially over every decade that follows: a fascinating dissection about the clashing of religions and mankind's own bizarre, morose set of morals. For me, after the credits had wrapped up, I can't really see any reason to disagree with these opinions.


For the uninitiated, The Wicker Man revolves around a British sergeant named Howie, who has received an anonymous letter in the mail from a concerned citizen residing in the secluded area known as Summerisle: they claim that a young girl named Rowan Morrison has gone missing, and wish for someone to come and investigate. Arriving by biplane, he begins to question the residents, but every single one of them claims to have never heard of Rowan, or state that she has never existed. While perusing, he notices that the townsfolk partake in quite a number of tactics and traditions that are eerily reminiscent of early paganism (which can look tantalizing to most modern day fans). Being a devout Christian, Howie is appalled, but continues his work regardless. As time goes by, he digs deeper, and discovers that while all seems blissful in Summerisle, there is a much darker past to the land and its people than he could have ever realized.


Some will view (recently deceased) writer/director Robin Hardy's debut film as purely an attack on purity in a world that is anything but, though one can debate that it also argues for some sort of religious control (or at the very least, a sense of what is right and what is wrong). In the end, I viewed it as really just the horrors of sheer ignorance, and that both sides of the coin are equally flawed in this case. Howie (played brilliantly by Edward Woodward) does seem to be a bit of an uptight snob, but when he turns his nose up at the sight of seeing children having toads stuck into their mouths in hopes that it will cure whatever ails them, one can't help but feel that some of his disgust is a bit warranted. On the other hand, the world of Summerisle feels like something out of a dream: nobody fights, everyone is merry or helpful, the children are rather polite, men & women cavort about naked & make love in public with no care in the world, and their leader (portrayed by Christopher Lee) comes across as the type of interesting man who you could just become lost in listening to for hours. These clashes do contribute to the very noticeable slow burn over the course of the movie (which will make or break it for impatient fans), but when the final third of The Wicker Man comes about, it is thoroughly captivating and something that is very difficult to forget. In some regards, it feels like a companion piece to Don't Look Now, which was another 1973 release that took its sweet time and finished with a stunning ending (here's where I cue the cheap plug for my review of it).


I am quite satisfied that I can conclude 2016's Unseen Terror with a mesmerizing mystery-horror hybrid like The Wicker Man. It certainly won't be for everyone, but for the lot of you who are only familiar with the unintentionally hilarious remake from 2006 (note: there are no killer bees in the original flick), I think that seeking this out would be a wise move to make. After all, if you have a subscription to Starz or a few dollars to spend on internet shopping services such as Amazon, then why not may I ask?



Besides, giving any sort of money to Nicholas Cage in this day and age is the equivalent of buying alcohol for a homeless person.




And.......we're done! Thank you for sticking around, and for your patience during these occasional gaps and lulls in quality. I would also like to thank any and every single person who followed along for this, including those who shared/liked/commented on any of these reviews on social media. Hell, even those who bothered to bat an eye towards a single entry are worthy of a can of coke. You guys and gals keep me sane, and I doubt that I will ever tire of doing this.



Well, unless I keep getting exposed to theatrical diarrhea like Up from the Depths. Or Dark Floors. Or Cruel Jaws. Or Varan the Unbelievable. Or Dreamcatcher.



.....maybe I need to plan this out more carefully next time.




Anyway, see you guys soon for DOCTOR STRANGE!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 8

Sebastian Caine, a rather eccentric and odd researcher, has been leading a group of scientists who are deeply involved in working on an invisibility serum. Though they have been able to make animals disappear, they still seem to struggle with getting them to rematerialize. After enough struggling, the collective finally manage to get Isabelle, their lab gorilla, to reappear in front of their eyes. Overwhelmed and overjoyed, they are initially ready to display the results to their military superiors, but Sebastian hides these revelations from the former, convincing them that human testing should be the next step forward. Oddly enough, the lead expert volunteers for this secret decision, and though the experiment is successful, Sebastian finds that he enjoys being hidden from the public a little too much. And when he discovers that the reversal formula doesn't seem to work on human beings, he is none too happy about it.



So, let me get this straight: the director of classic releases like Total Recall and Robocop got together with Hollywood notables such as Kevin Bacon, Elisabeth Shue, Josh Brolin, and the writer of Air Force One to make an updated version of H. G. Wells' The Invisible Man? Why yes, your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. All I can ask is that you please attempt to keep your protagonist somewhat empathetic, and that you don't end up turning him into a secret agent after many years have gone by. Now that these demands have been laid forth, let us move on to the actual review.


Hollow Man was one of those random pictures released in the earliest years of my tenure in high school, where I was unknowingly seeing an emergence of old time horror flicks being loosely remade for the "Gen X" crowd. We had films such as The Faculty (a high school take on Invasion of the Body Snatchers), Gus Van Sant's shot-for-shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, and a few others than are honestly best left forgotten in the annals of history. The idea to reinterpret and reimagine a story that was over a century old, only with (then) modern technology at the disposal of the crew, seemed like a surefire winner. Unfortunately, what we ended up with just feels terribly bland: the cinematic equivalent of a great-looking birthday cake that tastes like it was purchased from a trashy Walmart rather than a legitimate bakery.


Mind you, pastry is still pastry though, so Paul Verhoeven's final Hollywood effort does still have a lot to admire about it. Save for Kim Dickens' annoying and whiney Sarah, the acting from the cast is fairly admirable. Their roles are written to be nothing more than clichés or red shirts, but given how quickly the movie dives into "killer on the loose" territory, I can't say that I was terribly surprised. If I can be allowed to paraphrase an old quote from the realm of professional wrestling, I would say "If you think that someone makes a good babyface, then you're going love finding out how great of a heel that they can be." In this day and age, I actually prefer to watch Kevin Bacon as a villain or a human being with a darker soul (it's at this moment that I just realized he shares the same first name as his character in X-Men: First Class). He usually tends to knock it out of the park and entertain the audience immensely, even if the rest of the material that he is working with is relatively weak (RIPD anyone?). Sadly, it seems as though my first request made two paragraphs above fell upon deaf ears, as Bacon's Sebastian does lose the ability to garner any sort of sympathy or consolation after he begins to get a bit "rapey" with certain individuals of the female variety. Though these actions do provide for an ironically amusing realization that what we're witnessing is the world's most obvious double entendre, it's still a bit of a shame, as I felt that it could have taken Hollow Man into the same category that made pictures like David Cronenberg's The Fly so wonderful.


What it does share with the previously mentioned picture is some top notch technical work, which comes courtesy of the usually reliable Amalgamated Dynamics, who younger fans should know from involvement in film favorites like Jumanji, Tremors, and Mortal Kombat. Considering that Hollow Man is sixteen years old at this point, the special effects still appear to look pretty gosh darn good. One standout moment comes from when Sebastian initially attempts to turn back to normal, as does another sequence where they pour a mold onto his head in order to construct a mask required for future testing and analysis. There is also excellent usage of a thermal image camera, given parts of the picture an almost Predator-like vibe. So yes, even if the plot and how it subsequently unfolds is quite basic, the movie is nice to glimpse at. But oh boy, do I wish that I could have said the same for the music. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but for as much as I love and respect Jerry Goldsmith, some of this score sounds like he's trying to channel the aforementioned Psycho, but not even being subtle about the homage. I know I know, we should interpret that as a love letter to the age of Universal Monsters, but if that's the case, then how do you defend the inescapable, early-2000s traits like an obnoxious nu-metal song playing during every segment that involves Kevin Bacon driving his car? Perhaps something so inconsequential is just me being a nitpicker, but I just rolled my eyes each time that the Footloose star begins to sing or mime the words to a track that could have come off of an Ozzfest sampler.


As a piece of horror or science fiction, Hollow Man is fairly standard and ultimately just a bit on the mediocre side of things. It has an interesting premise, but around the final act, it succumbs to the same problem that befell Danny Boyle's Sunshine by turning into a predictable slasher movie. Worse yet, if you were to judge it as a Paul Verhoeven flick, it is remarkably weak, and outside of some nice eye-pleasing impressions, nothing will stay with you after the credits. It makes for serviceable entertainment, but it doesn't surprise me that the famed Dutch filmmaker essentially disowned the product several years ago, while citing it as the first motion picture that he felt shouldn't have been made because it just didn't completely feel like a project of his (true) and that anybody could have produced and completed a release like Hollow Man (probably true). Luckily, he got out of the stressful world of big budget cinema before it completely swallowed him up, and he returned with the rather exceptional WWII-centric Black Book in 2006. If you are curious and want to judge it for yourself, Hollow Man is readily available on DVD and Blu-Ray, with some versions being packaged with the Christian Slater-led sequel that was released six years after this one.



But you know, they probably could have saved themselves a lot of time by just contacting this fella for helping to deal with antagonists like Sebastian. Plus, who wouldn't love to see a crossover involving these two?



....okay, I definitely need sleep.




Tomorrow, we turn from the world of invisibility to one where you can't miss the threat in front of your eyes, as we travel down into the sewers for a quick trip or two...

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 11

Alright, I did fall behind just a tad, though only in terms of publishing my final drafts of these reviews. It's been a fairly busy weekend, filled with birthday shenanigans and whatnot. Eh, let's move on though.

As a young child, Gregory Tudor witnesses his local ice cream truck driver being mowed down by mobsters. Many years later, the young man has grown up, having been released from a mental asylum in which he spent the remainder of his youth. In an ironic, yet fitting twist, the former patient takes up the position of the local ice cream man, perusing the neighborhood while handing out tasty treats to multiple, occasionally bratty children. What lies in the back of the truck, however, are some nasty demons that just won't leave poor Gregory alone, leading many of his patrons curious as to why he always seems to be acting so unusual.



Remember when I brought up actor Clint Howard in Day 9's posting? Well, only two years after he became infested with ticks (hehe), he was brought on board to head the cast of a strange little horror-comedy known only as Ice Cream Man, directed by a man whose previous film work came from the classy, charming land of pornographic entertainment. If one were to judge a book/movie by its cover, you'd come to the conclusion that something as absurd-looking as this film's VHS cover art is a sign of the lowest quality possible, coupled with the occasional gross-out scene to help satisfy the horror hounds out there.


Good readers, you would be only partially correct with your final thoughts. This is probably stating the obvious, but Ice Cream Man isn't exactly the finest type of cinematic entertainment out there. And yet, as I shall explain in the best amount of details that I can, it's very endearing for connoisseurs of the often derided "so bad, it's good" category. For starters, Mr. Howard is in rather fine form for a movie about a demented ice cream truck driver. Sure, he's treating it like the B-movie that it is, but from what I gathered, he actually did prepare for his role by yelling and screaming in his car every day, just so he could attempt to perfect a more gravelly, menacing voice for Gregory. Of course, everything else outside of his voice most likely didn't need any work since, well, just look at him. I'm aware that while I previously stated that his entire acting career's purpose past a particular time period was to die on screen, I believe a retraction is in order: his entire purpose is to look like an extremely odd human being, thus being cast as your resident redneck, freak, or societal outcast whenever a part needs to be filled and/or whenever a larger budget isn't at your disposal.


What Ice Cream Man may lack in surprise when it comes to its titular character, it took me back with its supporting cast that was flashed during the opening credits. There is no logical explanation for why Olivia Hussey (Romeo & Juliet, It, Black Christmas), David Warner (Waxwork, Batman: The Animated Series), David Naughton (An American Werewolf In London), and Sandahl Bergman (Conan The Barbarian) show up for more than just cameos. On a more hilarious note, the former two seem to be regarding this as if it were more than just a random bargain bin find, while the latter may have finally found something more embarrassing on her record than Red Sonja. Speaking of the incredibly awkward, I kept scratching my head at all of the peculiar zoom shots and closeups of every person's shoes, even during scenes of peril and mayhem. Much to my amazement, it turns out that Converse (yes, THAT Converse) sponsored Ice Cream Man, therefore every single member of its cast must have been required to flaunt the newest designs from their financial supporters. As amused as I was by the sheer silliness of the entire project, one can't help but feel that this is truly, utterly shameless, and you'll begin to lose count with how many times they focus on the apparel.


Mercifully, with the final fifteen minutes turning into what can only be described as the ultimate form of "Screw it" mode, Ice Cream Man is a stupid, yet shockingly fun trip into the realm of straight-to-video nonsense that most of us should be used to by now (though it seems as if that may have evolved into random rentals from your local Redbox kiosk). Currently, the Clint Howard-led vehicle is out of print on home video as a standalone feature, though copies of it can be purchased on DVD collections alongside other craptacular flicks like Jack Frost 2 (which does NOT warrant a review). It does sadden me to hear that there was a petition and campaign through kickstarter to have a sequel financed and released, but as of October 2015, it seems to be dead in the water. Perhaps this oddity will most likely stay relegated to the land of sites such as Youtube.



Tomorrow, we have this year's first foray into the realm of killer doll movies, but Chucky isn't allowed to play this time....

Ant-Man (2015) Movie Review

Okay, so that promise of pumping out more reviews on the regular may once again have been stifled by a lack of time and (possible) lack of passion. Still, during this down time, I did bear witness to a good abundance of pictures at the box office with opinions ranging from grandiose (Inside Out, Ex Machina, Mad Max: Fury Road) to slight disappointment (Jurassic World). Much like May's post, I return from this brief hiatus and find myself back in the world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, tackling the origin story of one of the Avengers' original founding members and creator of the monstrously evil Ultron: Hank Pym, a.k.a. Ant-Man.




Wait, this is isn't about Pym? And that isn't what they went with in AoU? It's about the second man to don the suit, master thief Scott Lang? Oh....well okay then, I suppose I'll have to move on with this new synopsis.




Freed from prison after serving time for a heist, former systems engineer Scott Lang returns to society looking to rebound in the hopes that he may secure more time to spend with his daughter Cassie. Finding it difficult to maintain a steady job post-jail time, he accepts an offer from his friends which will involve breaking into an unmanned, yet complexly-designed safe in order to steal a large sum of cash. Surprisingly, the crook finds not money, but rather a suit and helmet. Out of curiosity, Lang takes both, but soon discovers its true purpose: using subatomic particles, nicknamed "Pym Particles," that can make its user shrink in size, but increase their strength exponentially. Not long afterwards, the original creator of said items contacts Scott with a proposition that could not just turn his life around, but also save the world from a much larger threat.




Since we've been willing to accept that in this universe, we won't exactly be getting an exact representation of every character's origin from the golden and silver ages of comic books, let's just roll with what we have here. In Ant-Man, Hank Pym, the suit's creator, is played by the significantly older Michael Douglas, who still manages to retain some of the underlying insensitivity that occasionally befell the character in darker times, but he still retains a good sense of humanity and belief in doing the right thing in the end. I wasn't sure if Michael Douglas would just be phoning it in or not, since from what I've seen, a lot of older and respected actors or actresses can occasionally treat films based on the world of graphic novels with contempt and put little effort into their performances (William Hurt's atrocious portrayal as General Thunderbolt Ross in The Incredible Hulk comes to mind). It's a good thing that I was willing to eat a giant bag of crow about this mindset, since the Falling Down and Fatal Attraction star looks like he's having a noticeably good time. As Pym's daughter Hope Van Dyne (sadly, original Wasp Janet is confirmed to be deceased fairly early on), Lost's Evangeline Lilly also seems to be enjoying herself, which is most likely because she gets to relish in playing a woman who is far from helpless and more than capable of defending herself if things get to be too rough.


Praise aside, all of this still doesn't hold a candle to Paul Rudd's Scott Lang. The moment that the news of this casting hit the internet, I was firmly convinced that he was born for this role. Not to sound arrogant, but I happily, if not rarely, proved myself right this time. Sass, charm, character depth, and growth are all prevalent in the second human being to call himself the titular protagonist, and he could be one of the more relatable heroes to emerge in this series of flicks in quite some time. True, the whole "down on your luck/second chance" thing has been done to death over the past few decades in various forms of media, but Rudd makes it work well enough that you can forget this tiresome cliche and root for the guy to make everything right with his personal life. Lang is also given a plethora of intentionally funny lines and dialogue that doesn't feel forced whatsoever (this was originally perceived as an action-comedy after all). Come to think of it, there is an abundance of amusing dialogue throughout Ant-Man from nearly every character, be they minor (American Hustle's Michael Pena nearly steals the show every time he appears), major, or even guest (which results in one of the best fight sequences throughout its two hour running time). It doesn't take the crowd or patrons out of the primary ordeals, and feels fairly organic when you consider some of the absurdity of the entire premise.


I know, I know, here comes the inevitable third paragraph where I praise the action while also nitpicking what little issues I had in the end. Honestly, when you consider the absolute creative hell that Ant-Man went through in order to finally be completed (Shaun Of The Dead's Edgar Wright was originally slated to write and direct, but departed last year due to creative differences, leaving only a writing credit to his name), there aren't a slew of them that stand out. As I'll point out below, the similarities to Iron Man are slight, including antagonist Darren Cross, who felt more like Obadiah Stane with a lack of facial hair rather than a complex and/or charismatic villain. With its inclusion in the MCU, some of the references feel slightly crowbarred in and reek of last minute script changes. It won't necessarily bother you, but one gets the feeling that this may not have been the original idea from Wright and fellow screenwriter Joe Cornish (he of the excellent Attack The Block fame). What is retained are, indeed, some grandiose scenes of conflict and turmoil that make full use of the effects and powers of Pym Particles. There is something just awe-inspiring about seeing a bug-sized man run atop the barrel of a pistol and knock a grown man unconscious. And my goodness will this also kickstart a rebirth of interest in ant farms and myrmecology that hasn't been seen in an agonizingly long period.


Is Ant-Man perfect? Well, as someone who very rarely says that a motion picture can be without any flaws (save for another recent viewing such as Pixar's Inside Out, which I may review at a future date, but you can never tell with me), I don't believe so. However, there are a minuscule amount of problems that I truly had with the finished product, and I firmly believe that it could stand on its own as a supremely entertaining experience along the lines of 2008's Iron Man rather than serve as a fun, if not deceptive transitional film. Actually, as I sit here typing at nearly two thirty in the morning, that IS what I'm going to say. So long as moviegoers set their expectations for amusing rather than dark and brooding, they are in for a pleasant evening centered around a decidedly underrated superhero who may deservedly explode in popularity if this brings in enough receipts at the box office.





And for those of you who were unimpressed by the mid-credits scene in Avengers: Age Of Ultron, be sure to stick around for a pair of great ones to make up for that disappointment. Is that a clever way to end this review? Of course not, but I needed an excuse to write this small for once in my life.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) Review

Peter Parker and girlfriend Gwen Stacy have just graduated high school, with the latter taking top honors and in the running for a prestigious overseas program. Coincidentally, an old friend of Peter's named Harry Osborn reemerges, who is now running multinational corporation Oscorp after the passing of his father Norman. While Peter attempts to balance life as New York's infamous hero Spider-Man along with maintaining a very cautious relationship, he begins to dig for additional clues as to the whereabouts of his parents. Within a short amount of time, new threats to the city surface, and may have closer ties to the Parkers than one initially realizes.


Despite writing a rather wordy and relatively lengthy review only two years ago, I have virtually no recollection of The Amazing Spider-Man, Paramount Pictures' reboot of everybody's favorite wall-crawling superhero (he barely beats out The Human Fly). So much so that I had to search through my own blog in order to remember certain things that happened in the prior movie that I may have missed or forgotten about. Was this a fault of the film itself? Was this a fault of my age possibly catching up to me? Or can I just not contain enough banal information that doesn't benefit me in times outside of typing for this little blog? Whatever the case, I cautiously approached its sequel, the obviously titled The Amazing Spider-Man 2, and I wondered if in another two years, I'll have the same problem with this installment.


Thankfully, I will always be able to remember that I do quite like Andrew Garfield's portrayal of Peter Parker. No disrespect to Tobey Maguire, as he is a very talented actor in his own right, but I was never fully entertained with the effort he put forth into the first three films (aka "The Raimi Trilogy") from the previous decade. Garfield seems to breathe life into Peter, making him feel a lot more well-rounded, with just as many faults and annoyances as his comic book counterpart possesses. He feels more comfortable and amused playing a character like this, though his chemistry with Emma Stone's Gwen Stacy, who coincidentally is Garfield's girlfriend outside of the motion picture world, seems to be lacking for most of ASM2's running time. I know that the idea to cut the character of Mary-Jane Watson, whose actress had filmed multiple sequences, was a last minute decision of the collective group of filmmakers, and you can sense a bit of that emptiness throughout. Perhaps there was something in addition to these issues going on behind the scenes that we're unaware of, or perhaps it can be blamed that their on-again/off-again relationship problems was just one of several plots getting lost in the shuffle.


And if we're going to discuss said plots, we could be here all night debating about what went right, and what went very wrong. One of the fears I had when walking in was the overabundance of villains for the titular hero to face off with. First, there's Jamie Foxx's Max Dillon, who takes up the mantle of Electro after he is accidentally mutated into a living generator with horrifying, nearly god-like powers. If you're wondering why in the world they chose to go with Foxx looking like a CGI-laden version of the young man from Powder, then I can't exactly give you a straight answer, especially since his inclusion in this project doesn't truly have any strong bearing on the main focus of the flick (if there is one), though his first encounter with Spider-Man does bring about a visually stunning and fun battle in New York City's Times Square. Right behind him is Paul Giamatti's "Rhino," who is the very definition of a macguffin in every way, shape, or form. The very question of why that particular character was even needed is something that may lack a proper response, and he could have easily been left on the cutting room floor. And then, there's Dane DeHaan as Harry Osborn, which was easily my most anticipated, and yet LEAST anticipated inclusion in this sequel, as I felt it was too soon to include Harry as a main villain while shuffling Norman off to the side. If you've visited this blog before, you're aware of my adoration for Chronicle, which featured the relatively unknown Dehaan as a sympathetic and tragic villain. The downfall of this performance isn't the fault of the actor, but instead the bloated script. We never get that feeling that he and Peter were true childhood friends, and when Osborn finally does begin to lose his mind and show symptoms of becoming the Green Goblin (who I'm convinced will never be done properly on film), it feels astonishingly rushed and unnecessary.


Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is an impossible feat to make a feature, be it comic book-related or not, that is heavy on villain inclusion and multiple stories intertwining, but can still be cohesive without falling on its own face. Look at Sin City and X-Men: First Class as superior examples. Yes, the former's style format (a neo-noir anthology) may exclude it from a true comparison to TASM2, but it is based on a comic book franchise that ran for several years, so I feel the need to bring it up. I'm aware of the world of "fan edits" out there in the wonderful place called the internet, and think that removing the former two enemies from this motion picture increases its enjoyment and quality tenfold. I did also mention TASM2's multiple plots floating around, and trying to keep track of every single one of these side stories (what happened to Peter's parents, Electro's background and birth, Harry Osborn's return to Oscorp, Gwen Stacy potentially going to school overseas, Aunt May struggling to pay bills, Peter and Gwen's relationship) starts to give you a headache that no amount of pills can help. How they will be able to pull off an entry in this new franchise featuring the Sinister Six is a true mystery to me.


There's also the argument of "just go with it," meaning that you can always ignore any potential faults and treat it as pure, sweet-toothed entertainment. An argument such as that may actually be your path to enjoying the final cut seen here. Heck, I was able to look past a lot of the shortcomings and problems that most audiences had with other Marvel-related properties like Thor: The Dark World and Iron Man 3. Personally, I've always wanted a truly great, or even near-perfect Spider-Man movie (I still think 2004's Spider-Man 2 has been the best entry to include ol' webhead), and I think that in the hands of a more experienced director or writer, this could be accomplished within no time at all. At least they would have more sense to write some better dialogue and not include a mostly cringe-inducing soundtrack, though the pieces belonging to Hans Zimmer that we hear on occasion are quite excellent. One particular segment in the final act of the flick could be, and should be, isolated solely due to its memorable combination of haunting vibes from the score and great cinematography. It almost makes up for the larger chunk of said act being clunky.


The greatest accomplishment to come from watching The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is that it just makes you pine for another showing of Captain America: The Winter Soldier, which is oddly enough, at the time of this review, still playing in most theaters across the world. It isn't a particularly bad film whatsoever (it is MILES ahead of the widely-loathed and spectacularly messy Spider-Man 3), but you just feel that director Marc Webb, noted producer Avi Arad, and the assorted crew and writers working together tried to balance too many things at once, and ultimately ended up cramming too many characters and stories into a film that barely passes the two hour mark. It is the movie equivalent of a "pretty okay" band you see at a random concert. There are several memorable moments that lead you to believe that greatness lies beneath, but ultimately you come out saying that it could use some work or retooling, and can't quite recommend it to your friends.




And for those of you asking, don't bother sticking around for any potential mid-credits or post-credits sequences. The one that we do receive feels more like an advertisement rather than anything significant or vital. For that matter, it is cross-promotion from another studio that apparently doesn't know about the term "preaching to the converted," and thinks that major movie audiences have the memory of a goldfish and prefer to pick and choose their Marvel Comics properties in a day and age where geek culture reigns supreme.

A Double Dose of WWE Studios: The Call (2013) Review & Dead Man Down (2013) Review

It occurred to me the other day that we're past the halfway point of 2013, and this blog has been conspicuously empty for the most part. As I pointed out in my Pacific Rim review, however, I just haven't been thrilled by the release schedule this year when it comes to major motion pictures. That won't stop me from attempting to catch up to fellow moviegoers though. So one trip to the Redbox later, and BAM! We're back on track. I'll work on further reviews in the coming days as well, but for now, we have two pictures with the backing of WWE Studios (yes this is a real thing) to tackle.

Six months after a traumatic incident in the past drove her from her profession of several years, a veteran 9-1-1 operator receives a call from a recently kidnapped teenage girl. Hoping to prevent a repeat of the past, she takes the call and thus begins an effort to save the young lady.

First off, a big wag of the finger to WWE Studios for not using the Mr. McMahon theme a single time throughout its ninety minute running time. Let's be honest, it would have fit in perfectly at any point, regardless of the subject matter.

In all seriousness though, The Call has the potential to be just another motion picture that could have been rejected by the Lifetime Network. It has all the makings of one of their films:

-Evil male antagonist? Check.
-Girl(s) in danger? Check.
-Needless and pointless side characters, including one played by jobber David Otunga? Check.
-Dialogue that belongs in an evening crime drama show? Check.
-Tacked on "Girl Power!" message? Check.


Shockingly, however, something about The Call works. At least, by rental standards. That something could be the surprisingly decent performances from Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin. I feel somewhat bad for the former, as her stature in Hollywood has certainly been knocked down a few pegs over the years, and she's proven to be a capable actress when she needs to be. The script calls for her to be tense in all the right moments, and unsure of herself at all of the others. While her character does seem to rebound rather quickly after the film's initial kidnapping sequence/murder (and I'm not talking about the six month gap), it doesn't take you out of the film. Breslin plays kidnap victim #2, and spends most of her time looking panicked or acting terrified. To be fair, if you were in her shoes, you'd most likely be acting the same way. I've never heard of a kidnap victim acting remarkably calm, and chances are that if they were, they'd be in on the act itself.


For the first two thirds of The Call, the film has the viewer's attention, even with its obvious flaws and fairly predictable outline. This brings me to the collective turd in the punchbowl: its third act. I've never seen a thriller take such a dive in terms of quality so quickly. I wonder if this may have been tacked on from another unfinished project, as it feels like a completely different film altogether and delves into the realm of the absurd. Our resident scumbag kidnapper is played by Michael Eklund, who looks like Ethan Hawke after serving hard time for a drug bust. There are attempts to humanize the guy along the way, but I don't think any of them worked particularly well, and all seemed somewhat unnecessary. Couple that with some absolutely ridiculous twists that unravel over time related to the character, plus a rather abrupt (and out of character) ending, and it ends up turning the third act into contrived garbage that is derivative of better thrillers.


Hmm.....perhaps it isn't too radically different from a Lifetime Channel film after all, save for the additional moments of surprising violence and the occasional vulgar word (hearing the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine call someone a "motherfucker" is quite amusing). Well, regardless, this is a fun rental or future Netflix viewing, but I can only recommend it with caution.


Maybe a more well known cast can bring me out of the funk that the last third of The Call left me in...

Victor, a crime boss' right hand man, finds himself intrigued by his female neighbor, who wishes for him to assist in exacting revenge on the man who scarred her in a car accident. After she attempts to blackmail him into committing the hit, she slowly discovers his past, and we learn that all is not what it seems, with Victor's position within the crime syndicate holding many secrets.



Why do you do this to me Colin Farrell? Every time you get back on my good side with a picture like Seven Psychopaths, you end up dumping a mess like Dead Man Down in my lap. *sigh* If that plot synopsis sounds a bit on the basic or simplistic side, it may be because describing this picture without spoiling anything is nearly impossible. For that matter, piecing together the actual film itself can be a real task. I contemplated if the writers had snorted too much cocaine while writing the initial draft, and when they came down from their high, they forgot to add logic, interesting characters, or action.


For starters, nothing in Dead Man Down seems like it could have existed in the real world, despite it trying to be somewhat based in it. There is a sequence of Colin Farrell opening fire in an open area from above that brings about no consequence, and no police. This also leads to an action scene involving a building and several murders, and yet again, nothing. Noomi Rapace's character is the subject of a very odd side plot involving her character being physically scarred from a car accident so badly, that all the neighborhood kids taunt (and even throw rocks at) her, calling her a monster. This wouldn't be a problem if Rapace still didn't look like an attractive woman, and if her scars were more visible. But they aren't. It just seemed like an awkward plot device that doesn't really go anywhere and is just plain badly used. She also points out in the beginning act that it legitimately hurts for her to smile, which they also seem to forget about rather quickly.


Speaking of the talented Ms. Rapace, she and Dominic Cooper seem to be the only ones really trying to get the best they can from this mess of a script, even if the latter's character did feel like a reject from The Departed. As for the others, Farrell just has nothing to work with, and neither does Terrance Howard, who I'm sure is still regretting not choosing to continue on as James Rhodes/War Machine in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As cruel as it may sound, don't be shocked if within a few years, the man starts appearing in Asylum films like Sharknado vs. Gatorquake. In Farrell's case, you just feel bad for the actor himself rather than his character, since we've seen types like Victor in nearly every type of thriller/crime movie out there.


There are two lines halfway through Dead Man Down (coincidentally when it attempts to finally give the audience an explanation for any confusion we've been witnessing) that can perfectly sum up the film better than I ever could:

CF: Now you know everything.
NR: No. No, I don't.


Ultimately, this one was way too slow and pieced together too awkwardly for me to recommend, even to diehard fans of these actors. Hell, even wrestler Wade Barrett doesn't have much to do, especially during the "too little, too late" final action sequence. Stick with any other revenge thriller released within the past few years, like I Saw The Devil, Taken or even Quentin Tarantino's recent works.

Man of Steel (2013) Review

The last known survivor of a planet known as Krypton, young Kansas native and traveller Clark Kent unearths his true origins over time, while being simultaneously shunned and welcomed by assorted members of the general populace. Soon, relics from his newly discovered past find their way to Earth, and the super-powered being must protect his new home from these Kryptonian invaders.


For the half dozen of you who frequent/occasionally visit my blog, this may end up being the hardest review I've ever had to do for a motion picture. Not due to any difficulty with wording, or frustration with a property that I have a marginal amount of respect for being handled well or terribly, but due to having to bite my tongue when it comes to spoilers. It is a true burden sometimes for us geeks, in that our biggest complaints and compliments often can give away the best (and sometimes most integral) moments of a film. Man of Steel is one of those films. When it shines, it shines brighter than a thousand suns. When it stinks, it reeks of Krypto the Super-Dog feces.


I was one of the few people who didn't initially hate 2006's Superman Returns, though my opinion certainly hasn't been a popular one throughout the years. True, Superman didn't do much of anything in that film, and everyone was essentially turned into Mynah Birds with their performances, plus the angle of Superman being a deadbeat dad wasn't exactly smart, but...actually, that really wraps up why most of that film was a failure. I never thought Zack Snyder was a great choice for directing a Superman film, especially considering how his own body of work has arguably been getting worse throughout the years. Snyder has always seemed to favor style over substance, and he takes several liberties with the character's own sense of morals and beliefs which will draw the ire of longtime fans and geeks alike. Thankfully (and somewhat unfortunately), Zack Snyder delivers more than enough on the action front in this new reboot. Again, I will try my damndest to avoid spoiling anything.


Starting off with the obvious question: is Henry Cavill a good Superman? Well, yes. His version of the character does seem to be a bit more melancholy than we're used to seeing, but I get that they were trying to reach for a different demographic with it. He certainly made up for his lead role in 2011's very silly Immortals. The flashback scenes that litter the film do help build him up and slightly humanize him in the audience's eyes, something which has always been a complaint from non-fans. And my oh my, do those moments when he finally achieves flight feel magnificent. Bravo. Someone who I felt mildly disappointed by was Amy Adams' Lois Lane, who felt severely underwritten and didn't seem to have the best chemistry with her co-stars. Adams is a fine actress (in more ways than one...oh don't judge me), but I think that with more screen time, she could have been just as good as Cavill himself. Pa and Ma Kent, played by Kevin Costner and Diane Lane, do a good job considering that a majority of their time is spent in flashbacks. Lane was sporting a considerable amount of makeup in order to enhance the effect of looking "old," but I don't think it worked too well. It reminded me of the very strange makeup job done on Guy Pearce in Prometheus. Costner does give a good performance, and does seem to express genuine concern for his son's well being and place in this strange, oftentimes confusing world. In terms of the biological parents, Russell Crowe's Jor-El of Planet Exposition delivers an infinitely better performance than expected, though it did feel like Snyder had an obvious hard-on for the character, as he appears even more than the villains themselves.


But come! Let us talk about the villains chosen to oppose Superman this time around! Michael Shannon takes on the role of General Zod this time around, which is the first time the character has been seen on the big screen since Superman II. And...he isn't very good. Zod feels more comical than threatening this time around, though there are certain acts where he manages to get back onto his A-game. Personally, I found Zod's sub-commander Faora to be a much better, and ultimately more compelling villain. She was cold, ruthless, and willing to do whatever was necessary for the survival of her people, and for her General. She also takes part in the film's first real major battle with Superman himself, and it is quite the spectacle to behold. What, did you think my review was going to be nothing but minor gripes? I think not. The action sequences in Man of Steel are pretty remarkable and have their fair share of excitement, though the final one does feel slightly tacked on. Hans Zimmer also turns in a score that oozes emotion and triumph, and may be worth the price of admission alone.


The film does run rather long, and starts to drag a tad bit with its final act (oops, back to the gripes). While the previously mentioned action scenes are indeed impressive, they come at the expense of character development and decently written characters in general. I know I may sound like a broken record with this, but we've seen over the years that you can still make a good "comic book" film that doesn't skip out on either end and can satisfy most theatergoers. Look at what Marvel have done throughout the years, as has Christopher Nolan (who produces and co-writes here) with the Batman trilogy reboot. This was a complaint many had about Snyder's Watchmen, and there are many moments in this reboot that mirror the best and worst of that adaptation, though as I stated above, they are related to spoilers, something which I will avoid for the sake of this review.


Ultimately, Man of Steel feels more in line with a picture like The Dark Knight Rises than Batman Begins. It is certainly not a perfect film, nor is it a flat out awful one, and I suspect that with repeated viewings, my overall enjoyment of the final product may diminish. For now, it is a very flashy, flawed, and fairly enjoyable superhero romp that is worth a matinee admission.

Iron Man 3 Review

Following the events in New York, several attacks occur around the United States, all seemingly spearheaded by a mysterious man simply called "The Mandarin." Tony Stark decides to take action, and issues a challenge to the terrorist, all the while dealing with demons in his own life, be they from the present, or, as we come to find out, from the past.


Before I start this review, I want to express what a disappointment it is that the experience of the "Midnight Movie" is slowly being phased out. I was curious as to why this was even something up for discussion by theater owners, and found that it was solely due to the terrible event last summer in Colorado, where psychopathic dipshit James Holmes murdered twelve people at a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises. Apparently, the thought is that when you take away the planned time of a massacre, it can prevent one. Does this make any sense to any individual who made it past the 8th grade? No? Well congratulations, you're a sane human being. Murderers usually don't care about what specific time of the day they pull off something like this, and pushing a screening for something like Iron Man 3 to 9:02 pm instead of midnight is NOT going to prevent this. There are other ways folks. But I don't want to ramble on too long since this is a post for a review, not a rant.


You know the old saying "The man makes the suit, not the other way around?" Well, Iron Man 3 could be the very definition of that, even if the suit is really damn cool. The third installment in what (I suppose) could be constituted as a trilogy, the film firmly establishes itself from the get go as a Tony Stark story, and not as an Avengers sequel. Without spoiling anything, there are small references here and there to the other characters and previous events in this universe, but it may be best to remind you that the film IS called Iron Man 3, and not Iron Man 3 featuring An Occasional Avengers Character.

The classic theme of the past coming back to bite you in the rear is also greatly explored, as we're introduced to quite a number of new faces in this installment, including A.I.M. scientist Aldrich Killian (played excellently by Guy Pearce), Maya Hansen (Rebecca Hall), who has created a new regenerative serum called "Extremis," and big baddie The Mandarin, played by the most evil actor of all time, Gandhi. Every new supporting character does a fine job with what they're given, though Kingsley's Mandarin seemed like he almost went into Ultimate Warrior territory with some of his slurring and odd behavior. There's a big twist that happens about halfway through the film that may draw the ire of the comic faithful, but I think it was forgivable given that it enhanced the strength of the film's main villain, who may arguably be the best they've had to date in the Iron Man movies.

Don't worry about the old gang either, they aren't pushed into the background in order to make room for the new kids in class. Robert Downey Jr. is, of course, excellent as always, and Stark's story of rebuilding his life and redeeming himself could very well be a mirror for his own life since taking on the role. True, that was explored in the first picture as well, but, again, without getting into spoilers, it works just as well here, and helps the character grow further, helping remind him that the smallest mistakes and amounts of ignorance can lead to the worst of scenarios. Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepper Potts just seems to get better over the course of these films, and she's certainly a focal point in this chapter (and without sounding a like a pervert, Paltrow looks pretty damn good here). Jon Favreau also returns as Stark Industries' Head of Security Happy Hogan, and even though his screen time is very small, it brings some nice comic relief to the film. As for Don Cheadle's James Rhodes, I felt like he was somewhat tacked on and didn't have nearly screen time as he could have. But then again, he had almost too much screen time in Iron Man 2, so maybe this was a fair trade.

Finally, the action sequences in Iron Man 3 are, to put it bluntly, pretty damn awesome. Shane Black is no stranger to writing well thought out and memorable action scenes (writing the scripts for Lethal Weapon and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, while also directing the latter, is proof of this), and the main ones could easily rival those seen in last summer's The Avengers. True, there are a few moments where you'll have to suspend your disbelief due to the classic "convenience" effect, but sometimes that's a given when going to the cinema. There are quite a number of moments where Tony Stark the man gets the chance to shine, proving that he isn't completely useless without his little suit(s) of armor.

While I wasn't the biggest fan of Iron Man 2, and am still nervous about the potential overexposure of the Marvel Universe in Hollywood, Shane Black's Iron Man 3 is damn near everything a moviegoer looking for honest-to-god fun could have. This is one fantastic way to kick off what is sure to be a very interesting summer.