Jingle All The Way 2 (2014) Review

Wow. Just wow. I didn't realize that it has been a little over an entire month since I last updated this blog with a new film review. If my memory hasn't completely faded, then I recall saying that a post-Unseen Terror wrap-up was coming very soon. Searching through my drafts, I did see what was to be, but never came about. So, maybe I'll do something like that with any upcoming free time (it has been fairly hellacious at work).


*looks at the post title* Ah shit, there's a review to do right now though, isn't there?

Divorced dad Larry wants nothing but the best for his eight-year-old daughter Noel. Though he provides her with plenty of free time, fun, and social activities, he just can't compete with her rich, new stepdad Victor. Attempting to think of ways to please the young lady, he secretly peeks at her letter to Santa Claus. In it, he discovers that her utmost desire is this season's hottest toy: an electronic, voice-recording item called The Harrison Bear. When Victor also discovers this request, he sets out to beat the trailer-bound Southerner to the demanded plaything. Over the course of several nights, the two begin a race to Noel's heart, hoping that she will thank one of them for the best Christmas ever.


If it wasn't known to all of my friends who occasionally frequent this page, I reviewed one of WWE Studios' latest attempts at making themselves a more respectable commodity in the rather crowed movie industry. Around that time period, two more straight-to-video releases found their ways to the Redboxes and On-Demand channels of the world in the form of See No Evil 2 and Jingle All The Way 2. For reasons that I am honest-to-god not sure of, I've decided to sit down and watch both within this past week. A review for their horror-themed flick should be coming within the next few days, but for now, and before I head off to see Crowbar and Unearth play in Wilmington, North Carolina tonight, let's get this one out of the way.


There isn't a whole lot that I personally like about 1996's Jingle All The Way, though I can certainly understand as to why it has a fairly decent following among connoisseurs of bad cinema. Much like a good portion of sequels released far after their predecessors' times have passed, the news of a second installment being released in this new decade befuddled me. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger has fallen on hard times, and most of his recent projects have bombed critically and financially, but I doubted that he would sink to a level this low. That and he did have an unmistakable presence that kept you watching throughout its ninety two minutes of mediocrity.


To the surprise of abso-fucking-lutely nobody, standup comedian Larry The Cable Guy (whose protagonist is also named Larry) is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Truth be told, he isn't even Michael Dudikoff. For most of Jingle All The Way 2's running time (it runs only one minute longer than the prior picture), he is playing an even stupider version of his on-stage persona, with traits and pratfalls borrowed from the late Jim Varney. Most of Larry's scenes consist of him getting physically abused by children, the elderly, or by some unseen deity who hates bad jokes and the overuse of the "womp womp"-style of humor. Also unlike Arnold's fourth attempt at a comedic role is his lack of a true rival. Sure, you might be looking at the cast list and see that actor Sinbad is nowhere to be found (when you can say that he of all people has more dignity than this, you know you're in trouble), but professional wrestler Santino Marella is. After all, his own personality on television is that of an exaggerated, goofy Italian stereotype, so maybe he can bring something worthwhile to this treatment of excrement. Well, you are gravely mistaken. He serves as a pseudo-sidekick, and save for a mere bit of foreshadowing in the first ten minutes, only pops in here and there to say something of absolutely no merit or importance. Worst of all is that he isn't even in character when he does enter the fray. The picture's central antagonist is Victor, played by occasional Michael Bay buddy Brian Stepanek. Until the thirty minute mark had passed, I didn't even suspect that he had any nefarious schemes or tricks whatsoever, as they spent a good portion of the first act making our "hero" out to look like an annoying redneck and making Victor look like a struggling, eager-to-please stepfather. Then again, expecting consistency in a film written by the man who brought us Without A Paddle: Nature's Calling and directed by the individual who shat out Chairman Of The Board seemed like something that was utterly, utterly hopeless.


As if this wasn't obvious, there is nothing redeeming about Jingle All The Way 2. The flick barely even appeals to followers of the "Redneck Comedy" group, as it is extremely watered down for family entertainment. It's also too painstakingly boring and derivative of better Christmas-themed films, so mom and pop might actually fall asleep if they insert it into their DVD or Blu-Ray player any time soon. Let's just forget that this even exists, alright? If you're thinking about spending any currency on it, give it to the nearest homeless person that you find. Chances are that he'll spend it on something more productive, buy a sandwich, a beer, or may even have bought the movie as a gift, only to be thrown out on the streets as a result of that decision.



On the plus side, it is infinitely better than Delta Farce.

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 19

Backpacking through the Irish countryside, two young couples begin to mingle with the local townsfolk. Much to their surprise, they are given the offer to take up residence in a nice cabin near the edge of the terrain's woods. Naturally, they agree to do so. To their horror, however, they come upon a dark, terrible secret: the cabin, along with the surrounding environment, serve as a killing field for a creature of Irish folklore. That monster is a leprechaun, and the four youths discover that the residents of Ireland have been luring innocents to the territory, so that it may satiate this monstrosity's lust in an attempt to make up for past mistakes.


Forgive me for typing a relatively short review, but it's late, and my mind and vision have been rotted from sitting through two particularly bad films within the past two days. No, Only Lovers Left Alive was not one of those aforementioned pictures. That was a good picture. That distinct dishonor and shameful title goes to this hunk of crap.


When I first heard that there was going to be another entry in the Leprechaun franchise, I shuttered a little bit. Then, I heard that it was going to be a reboot, sans star antagonist Warwick Davis. That shutter turned into a groan. After THAT revelation, I discovered that it was being produced by the oh-so-reliable WWE Studios and it would star Dylan "Hornswoggle" Postl, one of my bottom ten least favorite performers currently employed in the world of professional wrestling, as the titular horror villain. Groan turned into face palming, and well, you get the idea.


It only takes you four minutes to realize that something is horribly, horribly wrong with Leprechaun: Origins. For starters, the entire flick is devoid of any and all humor that was found in the original. Yes, I agree that the previous entries' brand of jokes and gags were quite embarrassing at times, but at the very least, you tend to remember scenes such as the man who played Willow killing someone with a pogo stick or when rapper/actor Ice-T smokes marijuana with an evil rascal out to kill him. Origins is played like a straight forward horror film, down to the devilish imp looking like a bloodthirsty creature with an occasional affinity for gold, screeching and growling along the way….wait, what? Unfortunately, if you're expecting to see Hornswoggle attempt to imitate or mime sequences that we've already become accustomed with (but why would you?), then you're in for a rather large disappointment. Instead, we see occasional glimpses of the wrestler dressed in a costume that looks like if one of the blind, underground beings from The Descent had a mutated child with an orc from The Lord Of The Rings. Add to that the fact that nearly every characteristic about this new beast is a knockoff of something we've seen before. He has "alternative" vision similar to that of the alien bounty hunter from Predator (even going so far as to rip out a young man's spine) and stalks his prey in the long grass like the velociraptors from The Lost World: Jurassic Park. To an extent, it even gives off a strong Pumpkinhead vibe, but it is nowhere near as menacing or memorable as that unappreciated creation of the sorely missed Stan Winston.

You had one job Leprechaun: Origins. You had one, simple job that even an inexperienced person like myself could do. Not only did you fail at completing it, but you accomplished said failure in ways that even a pessimist like myself didn't think was possible. Hell, you even managed to screw up THIS hilariously bad line from your 1993 forefather. I could have spent my cherished money on something more productive, such as food from Taco Bell's dollar menu. True, it will lead to my inevitable diabetes diagnosis, but at least it will taste better going down.



I don't even want me gold returned, I want me god damn time back you cunt of a movie.



Tomorrow, we'll attempt to salvage something good from this year's marathon again with the long-delayed All The Boys Love Mandy Lane!

Thor: The Dark World (2013) Review

Time has passed since the battle of New York, and along with his fellow warriors and comrades, Thor of Asgard is at work across the nine realms, having fought a two-year war in order to try and preserve peace. On Earth, scientist and old flame Jane Foster comes into contact with the Norse God, but not after a strange exposure to something affiliated with an enemy that predates and overpowers even Odin himself. Soon, the God of Thunder realizes that he may need to make the ultimate sacrifice in order to protect the realms from grave danger, and even forge an uneasy alliance with an old foe if need be.


It does confuse me quite a bit as to how and why 2011's Thor seemed to divide as many people as it did. Perhaps it was the very odd and somewhat unconventional feel the character had compared to his more popular Marvel Comics companions, such as Iron Man and the Hulk, or the fact that Norse and Viking Mythology has never been as popular with mainstream audiences as it could potentially be. Perhaps it was the fact that it might not have been stuffed with as many fight scenes as viewers would have liked. Whatever the case, I was quite a fan, and I was very enthusiastic to welcome a chance to see a followup two years later in the form of Thor: The Dark World. I've also been one of the select few who apparently doesn't do copious amounts of drugs and has thoroughly enjoyed the second phase of Marvel Studios' motion pictures, which are all inevitably leading up to The Avengers: Age of Ultron.


One of the few complaints I had about the original Thor was actually the one thing people recall fondly: its enormous cast. As much as I loved most of everyone involved, the presence of certain individuals felt more like an excuse for then-director Kenneth Branagh to show off to his friends (lord knows I'd probably brag at least once about getting to direct Sir Anthony Hopkins myself), and a decent portion of these folks ended up with almost nothing to do. This is rectified by newer director Alan Taylor, known mostly for his work on Game of Thrones and The Sopranos, so he's clearly used to dealing with casts of a considerable size. With this decision, everyone gets at least one or two good chances to shine in Thor: The Dark World. Yes, that does include Tadanobu Asano (Ichi The Killer), Kat Dennings (Two Broke Girls), and even Rene Russo (Get Shorty), who I thought was completed wasted in the first film. As for the newer additions to the cast, well, when you're forced to deal with the old "enemy of my enemy" situation, you have to remember to flesh that newer enemy out after all. Alas, Malekith is no Loki, but by no means is he a completely terrible villain. He just ends up more in the run-of-the-mill category, with nothing more to offer than a few quips here and there, and a costume that I'm sure will be popular at the next big comic book and entertainment convention nearest you. Still, he won't exactly wow audiences unfamiliar with his comic book background and origin.


I don't need to waste your time by telling you that the old cast is obviously good either, but knowing that one day Tom Hiddleston is either going to resign or just stop returning calls to play Loki completely breaks my heart. The man was born to play this character, and just seems to play him better and better every time around, adding a new layer that we hadn't seen before, or thought was unbecoming of the God of Mischief. Perhaps the only disappointment in the "old guard" was Stellan Skarsgard's Dr. Erik Selvig, who could have honestly been written out of the film entirely, and has been reduced to kooky comic relief, with occasional flashes of his original genius still intact. As to why his moments of importance couldn't have gone to Kat Dennings' Darcy Lewis? Well, I guess you can't have enough comic relief in one film, can you? Perhaps there can only be room for one smart woman in a picture by Marvel's standards too, and Portman has a bigger resume in the end. Oh well.


Now, before you think that I'm savaging this picture out of pure disappointment, I can assure you that I did actually really enjoy the film overall, and didn't regret spending my money whatsoever. Wait, don't click the "X" just yet! Let me get on to something else that I genuinely liked, and that was the action sequences. While Malekith is no Loki, his Dark Elves and their army bring a science fiction/fantasy crossover appeal to these sequences that, while completely unexpected, makes for one heck of a visual feast. More uptight fans might scoff at this melding of several different ideas (starships in Asgard for one), but I may have to remind you that you're watching a movie based off of a comic book universe (and forgiveness for the minor spoiler, but there are no other Avengers in this picture….technically. This is called Thor: The Dark World, not Thor & Friends). The final fight sequence in Thor: The Dark World takes place in London, and with the abuse of teleportation between the nine realms and heavy blow upon heavy blow, it might make even Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama himself ask "Why didn't I think of something like that?".


Though I may have spoiled my own final thoughts above, I still did have a blast with Thor: The Dark World. I can see some more stingy audiences whose expectations have been raised by the quality of certain Marvel Studios pictures being disappointed, but it does seem inevitable these days considering how even traces of the geek ideology and mindset has inserted itself into all of us one way or another. *sigh* If only this barrage of new comic projects and films was present during my high school years. Then, we could have seen an even greater number of franchises rise to prominence and be turned into movie franchises (*coughPreachercough). Perhaps we can still hope. Or at least pester the creators. But anyway, long story short, the movie is fun. Go check it out.

A Double Dose of WWE Studios: The Call (2013) Review & Dead Man Down (2013) Review

It occurred to me the other day that we're past the halfway point of 2013, and this blog has been conspicuously empty for the most part. As I pointed out in my Pacific Rim review, however, I just haven't been thrilled by the release schedule this year when it comes to major motion pictures. That won't stop me from attempting to catch up to fellow moviegoers though. So one trip to the Redbox later, and BAM! We're back on track. I'll work on further reviews in the coming days as well, but for now, we have two pictures with the backing of WWE Studios (yes this is a real thing) to tackle.

Six months after a traumatic incident in the past drove her from her profession of several years, a veteran 9-1-1 operator receives a call from a recently kidnapped teenage girl. Hoping to prevent a repeat of the past, she takes the call and thus begins an effort to save the young lady.

First off, a big wag of the finger to WWE Studios for not using the Mr. McMahon theme a single time throughout its ninety minute running time. Let's be honest, it would have fit in perfectly at any point, regardless of the subject matter.

In all seriousness though, The Call has the potential to be just another motion picture that could have been rejected by the Lifetime Network. It has all the makings of one of their films:

-Evil male antagonist? Check.
-Girl(s) in danger? Check.
-Needless and pointless side characters, including one played by jobber David Otunga? Check.
-Dialogue that belongs in an evening crime drama show? Check.
-Tacked on "Girl Power!" message? Check.


Shockingly, however, something about The Call works. At least, by rental standards. That something could be the surprisingly decent performances from Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin. I feel somewhat bad for the former, as her stature in Hollywood has certainly been knocked down a few pegs over the years, and she's proven to be a capable actress when she needs to be. The script calls for her to be tense in all the right moments, and unsure of herself at all of the others. While her character does seem to rebound rather quickly after the film's initial kidnapping sequence/murder (and I'm not talking about the six month gap), it doesn't take you out of the film. Breslin plays kidnap victim #2, and spends most of her time looking panicked or acting terrified. To be fair, if you were in her shoes, you'd most likely be acting the same way. I've never heard of a kidnap victim acting remarkably calm, and chances are that if they were, they'd be in on the act itself.


For the first two thirds of The Call, the film has the viewer's attention, even with its obvious flaws and fairly predictable outline. This brings me to the collective turd in the punchbowl: its third act. I've never seen a thriller take such a dive in terms of quality so quickly. I wonder if this may have been tacked on from another unfinished project, as it feels like a completely different film altogether and delves into the realm of the absurd. Our resident scumbag kidnapper is played by Michael Eklund, who looks like Ethan Hawke after serving hard time for a drug bust. There are attempts to humanize the guy along the way, but I don't think any of them worked particularly well, and all seemed somewhat unnecessary. Couple that with some absolutely ridiculous twists that unravel over time related to the character, plus a rather abrupt (and out of character) ending, and it ends up turning the third act into contrived garbage that is derivative of better thrillers.


Hmm.....perhaps it isn't too radically different from a Lifetime Channel film after all, save for the additional moments of surprising violence and the occasional vulgar word (hearing the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine call someone a "motherfucker" is quite amusing). Well, regardless, this is a fun rental or future Netflix viewing, but I can only recommend it with caution.


Maybe a more well known cast can bring me out of the funk that the last third of The Call left me in...

Victor, a crime boss' right hand man, finds himself intrigued by his female neighbor, who wishes for him to assist in exacting revenge on the man who scarred her in a car accident. After she attempts to blackmail him into committing the hit, she slowly discovers his past, and we learn that all is not what it seems, with Victor's position within the crime syndicate holding many secrets.



Why do you do this to me Colin Farrell? Every time you get back on my good side with a picture like Seven Psychopaths, you end up dumping a mess like Dead Man Down in my lap. *sigh* If that plot synopsis sounds a bit on the basic or simplistic side, it may be because describing this picture without spoiling anything is nearly impossible. For that matter, piecing together the actual film itself can be a real task. I contemplated if the writers had snorted too much cocaine while writing the initial draft, and when they came down from their high, they forgot to add logic, interesting characters, or action.


For starters, nothing in Dead Man Down seems like it could have existed in the real world, despite it trying to be somewhat based in it. There is a sequence of Colin Farrell opening fire in an open area from above that brings about no consequence, and no police. This also leads to an action scene involving a building and several murders, and yet again, nothing. Noomi Rapace's character is the subject of a very odd side plot involving her character being physically scarred from a car accident so badly, that all the neighborhood kids taunt (and even throw rocks at) her, calling her a monster. This wouldn't be a problem if Rapace still didn't look like an attractive woman, and if her scars were more visible. But they aren't. It just seemed like an awkward plot device that doesn't really go anywhere and is just plain badly used. She also points out in the beginning act that it legitimately hurts for her to smile, which they also seem to forget about rather quickly.


Speaking of the talented Ms. Rapace, she and Dominic Cooper seem to be the only ones really trying to get the best they can from this mess of a script, even if the latter's character did feel like a reject from The Departed. As for the others, Farrell just has nothing to work with, and neither does Terrance Howard, who I'm sure is still regretting not choosing to continue on as James Rhodes/War Machine in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As cruel as it may sound, don't be shocked if within a few years, the man starts appearing in Asylum films like Sharknado vs. Gatorquake. In Farrell's case, you just feel bad for the actor himself rather than his character, since we've seen types like Victor in nearly every type of thriller/crime movie out there.


There are two lines halfway through Dead Man Down (coincidentally when it attempts to finally give the audience an explanation for any confusion we've been witnessing) that can perfectly sum up the film better than I ever could:

CF: Now you know everything.
NR: No. No, I don't.


Ultimately, this one was way too slow and pieced together too awkwardly for me to recommend, even to diehard fans of these actors. Hell, even wrestler Wade Barrett doesn't have much to do, especially during the "too little, too late" final action sequence. Stick with any other revenge thriller released within the past few years, like I Saw The Devil, Taken or even Quentin Tarantino's recent works.