Unseen Terror 2019: Days 7-9

Apologies for the delay. Work gets in the way sometimes.



I'm several days removed from this year's wonderful Monster Mania Convention in Hunt Valley, MD. As expected, it was a blast and I managed to meet quite a few famous people who were all rather wonderful, and also managed to snag a few gems on Blu-Ray that may or may not make their way onto the marathon. While I was in attendance, I noticed that actress Danielle Harris was one of the featured guests throughout the entire weekend, and was even doing photo-ops dressed in her costume from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. While I was initially intrigued, I came to the realization that I've never watched that particular motion picture. It turns out that luck was on my side afterwards though, because both of the Harris-centric Halloween flicks are available for streaming on Shudder. I figured it was better late than never to have them both take up a couple of days for this marathon, and besides, I'm overdue for an old school slasher to make an appearance on here.


The original idea that John Carpenter (who had long since abandoned this series after scoring the unfairly-maligned Halloween III: Season of the Witch) had was for every new feature film titled Halloween to sport a brand new, original story with no continuity between them. Unfortunately, poor box office intake for the aforementioned Halloween III meant that it was time for the studio to bring Michael Myers back, but this time around they would still manage to keep a picture afloat even with the absence of many of the original's cast and crew. Halloween 4 is centered around the young Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris), who we learn early on is the daughter of the franchise's original "final girl" Laurie Strode. While her mom reportedly passed away in a car accident, her uncle Michael is very much alive (albeit in a coma after some events that occurred several years ago). On Hallows Eve, ten years after he terrorized Laurie for a second time, he is being transferred between hospitals. The comatose Michael overhears discussions of these relatively recent family events and springs back to his normal, murderous state. Setting off to his old hometown of Haddonfield, it's up to his old psychiatrist Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence) to put a stop to him once and for all.


Though I approached Halloween 4 with caution (especially since it's been rendered as a non-canon sequel TWICE now), I was very surprised by how legitimately enjoyable this entry turned out to be. For the most part the acting is quite solid, with Pleasence turning in a performance that while certainly serious and reminding us that he is still very much the protagonist, does show signs that his character may be going down a dangerous path as well. The aforementioned Harris is also fantastic as young Jamie Lloyd, and brings a real sympathetic innocence to her character that you usually don't find in kid actors stuck in horror films. It's easy to see why she has endured as a fan favorite in the genre. Perhaps the one performer who I feel doesn't get the love that she deserves is Ellie Cornell, who manages to take a character like Rachel Carruthers (who could have been looked at as a weak imitation of Laurie) and make her a lot more likeable and easy to root for than most other dime-a-dozen slasher heroines. The rest of the supporting cast is pretty forgettable, but their presences do make for some decent kills.


Nowhere near as skillful as its forefathers but certainly ambitious in parts (and packing a wallop of an ending), Halloween 4 is still a pretty solid and overlooked entry that is worth checking out even if you've dismissed every other movie in this franchise save for the granddaddy of 'em all. There are multiple ways to obtain physical copies of this bad boy, including a Blu-Ray from Anchor Bay and a DVD two-pack that includes its follow-up.

Speaking of, let's move on to Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, shall we? Because oh boy do I have some things to say about this one. Be forewarned: there are going to be a handful of spoilers in this review.



At the end of Halloween 4, young Jamie Lloyd, presumably under the influence of her murderous uncle, stabbed her foster mother with a pair of scissors. A year later, she has been admitted to a children's hospital and hasn't spoken a word since those horrific events occurred (though she does frequently suffer from nightmares). Elsewhere, her foster sister Rachel has moved out to live a life of her own, and Michael is presumed dead after being shot by the police and falling down a mine shaft. Dr. Loomis theorizes that Jamie's nightmares and odd behavior could be due to a psychic link between her and Michael, who he is convinced is still alive and out there waiting to finish the job he couldn't complete before. As expected, Michael has survived and returns yet again to terrorize the citizens of Haddonfield.


In layman's terms, Halloween 5 is so lousy that it effectively killed any interest I had in reviewing every subsequent film that features "the shape" as the villain. I know that word of mouth says that 2002's Halloween: Resurrection is supposed to be the absolute worst entry in this franchise, but I don't think I have the patience to make it that far (I did it with Hellraiser years ago, and there's still a small part of my sanity that has never returned). Most of what hurts Halloween 5 is that all of the chances that they take are either the absolute worst ones (killing Rachel in the first act of the movie is incredibly disrespectful, as is them seemingly dumbing down her character) or ones that don't quite work out. There also seems to be a lack of care put into the actual filmmaking aspects, because the acting is pretty lousy, the sense of dread is nonexistent, and the newer characters just flat out stink. It says a lot when even the late, great Donald Pleasence doesn't seem fully on board with this one, and his performance borders on comical at times. Perhaps the only highlight is Danielle Harris, but she's surrounded by a cast of clichéd, unlikeable assholes so even she doesn't shine quite as bright as she did before. I must also mention the lack of care put into the Myers costume itself, which appears ill-fitting and more amusing than frightening throughout its running time.


I'm definitely not done with slasher movies for this year's Unseen Terror, but I don't expect to see Michael Myers and/or his associates make a return so soon. As mentioned above, you can buy this piece of junk of a number of formats for more money than I'm sure it deserves, but if I'm being honest, I'd rather see you throw your money towards Halloween III: Season of the Witch or 2018's Halloween instead. Just pretend that this doesn't exist.



…...which the makers of the latter seemed to do.





Well, that was an absolute bummer. I feel like I require a pick-me-up, which could require some rearranging of what order I was going to view everything.

Over the course of eight years, I've made the discovery that if there's one name that I can always rely on, it's Brian freakin' Yuzna. The man's body of work is mostly comprised of hits, and they're usually filled to the brim with wonderfully shocking special effects and gore, absurd comedic moments, and just all-around weirdness. 1985's Re-Animator remains one of my absolute favorite horror-comedies and probably the best adaptation of any H.P. Lovecraft story to date (if Guillermo del Toro ever gets his way and makes "At the Mountains of Madness" though, we may be in for a new top dog). I always meant to dive back into the world of Dr. Herbert West and his delusions of grandeur and strong belief that life after death is not only possible, but doable. For reasons that I can only ascribe to lack of funding, I never got a chance until this month to do so. Luckily, 1990's Bride of Re-Animator, which marks Yuzna's second time sitting in the director's chair himself, was the perfect way to help me forget about the awful disappointment of Halloween 5.


The plot for Bride of Re-Animator centers around the previous film's "protagonists" (and I do use that term loosely) of Dan Cain and Herbert West. Eight months have passed since the rather crazy incident at the Miskatonic University Hospital in Arkham, Massachusetts. The pair have been hiding in Peru, with West in particular relishing in the rather violent and casualty-heavy war that ravages the country. After all, he needs bodies to continue his research and discover just how to master his already astonishing formula that reanimates dead tissue. Eventually, the duo return back to the states and resume their previous jobs as doctors. In the midst of his experiments, West discovers several rather startling things; the decapitated head of his old colleague (and nemesis) Dr. Carl Hill, the preserved heart of Dan's old fiancé Megan, and most importantly that not only can he bring the dead back to life, but he can now create new life using pieces of the deceased. With Dan's permission, Herbert sets out to bring the former's deceased girlfriend back from the dead and reassemble her into a complete person yet again.


One thing that startled me a bit about Bride of Re-Animator was a somewhat eerie similarity to Frank Henenlotter's horror-comedy Frankenhooker, which was also released during the same year as this follow-up. Many plot elements are virtually identical, though I would certainly argue that Yuzna's film is a far more colorful take (perhaps literally) on the "love never dies" formula that we've seen done since the days of Bride of Frankenstein. The man has a knack for assisting in creating some truly bizarre visuals, especially in the final acts of his pictures. I mean hell, have you SEEN Society? He, along with his usual longtime collaborator Stuart Gordon (who is mysteriously absent this time around) also have an uncanny ability to make you feel nervous about the inevitable fate that is septophobia, a.k.a. the fear of decaying matter. As goofy as most of these movies can be, there will forever remain a small part in the back of my mind that is pretty queasy about the idea that I could never be fully in control of my own body.


Cast-wise Bride stands out about as well as its predecessor did, though not without some flaws. Jeffrey Combs is a delight as always, and watching the character of Herbert West slowly descend from "he's got some pretty strange ideas, but he seems alright otherwise" to "oh lord, he's off his rocker" makes for a lot of fun. His speech in the final act when presenting the titular "Bride" to Bruce Abbott's character is purely maniacal, but so magical. On the subject of Abbott: why is this guy not the recipient of more love from fans of the genre? He's fantastic here, and I'd argue that he seems far more comfortable this time around than he did in the original movie. The late David Gale also returns as the severed head of Carl Hill, who was last seen doing....something I don't want to spoil. His role is ultimately kind of insignificant, but does make for some very funny visual gags. Kathleen Kinmont of Halloween 4 fame does a far better job here as a corpse than she did as a rather forgettable slasher victim in that feature, but aside from her none of the new cast additions seem to leave a lasting impact. Heck, some of them don't even serve a purpose other than to go around and scream once in a blue moon.


Those minor gripes aside, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm giving Bride of Re-Animator a recommendation. It'd be pretty hard to dislike this blood-splattered, darkly comedic romp, especially if you were a fan of the 1985 film. Currently, it's streaming on Amazon Prime, and you can easily snag a fancy Blu-Ray from reputable giants Arrow Video.




Tomorrow, I get closer and closer to turning 34. That is frightening. But not as frightening as an early-2000s slasher that may have been lost to time.

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 29, Day 30, & Day 31

Well.....this is awkward. Honestly, outside of hanging out a few times with a beautiful lady who seems to dig me, I can't give any sort of valid excuse or explanation for why I am so late on finishing this year's edition of the marathon. Sadly, due to these circumstances and situations, I had to miss a scheduled screening of The Thing from Another World, which was my initial choice for day twenty-nine. Regardless of whatever happened, I have a job to do god damn it, so let's knock the rest of these out of the way, shall we?

The most important factors to me for deciding to check out 2008's Dark Floors came from the knowledge of it being a release from Ghost House Pictures (the production company co-founded by Evil Dead mastermind Sam Raimi), setting it in an abandoned hospital, and from seeing William Hope (Lt. Gorman from Aliens) as the lead performer. What will attract most of everyone else is the presence of Lordi as the sinister beasts perusing and haunting the premises.......yes, THAT Lordi. And for those reading this review while asking "who in the world is Lordi?" I suppose that the most appropriate description would be what would happen if you sucked all of the cool out of Gwar or Ghoul and replaced it with songs made by a group of people with matching Kiss tattoos. Sadly, they are for Kiss' Dynasty-era, and not Destroyer.


This Finnish production's story, from what one can seem to decipher, revolves around a young autistic girl named Sarah. The child's father is unhappy with the progress that her hospital has failed to make, so he takes her and they board an elevator along with other strangers from different backgrounds and professions. As the collective wait to be taken to their respective floors, they stop unexpectedly before they can reach their destination; finding themselves being stalked by demonic-looking creatures who may have possibly won the Eurovision Song Contest two years prior to these events. Despite this fairly basic concept, Dark Floors does have some potential buried underneath a ton of layers. But my goodness, those are some hideously ugly ones. The film feels extremely rushed, with the screenwriters (and even some of the performers themselves) seemingly acting like they aren't even sure about the direction in which it is headed. True, this can provide for some occasional quirky, genuine moments in other mediums (the cast of AMC's The Walking Dead was reported to have been left in the dark in regards to who would die in the newest season premiere, even going so far as to film multiple, alternate deaths), but everyone just seems confused, and it begins to rub off on the audience after a short amount of time. Due to its awkward pacing and very matter-of-fact dialogue, we are barely afforded any time in which we should get to know, or care about any of these characters. Couple that with the fairly terrible melodramatic acting, and you have something that was far too reminiscent of releases like Stephen King miniseries The Langoliers, the live-action adaptation of The Girl on the Train, or a fan-made Silent Hill film.


Despite my love for anything that connects heavy metal and horror (seriously, why aren't you watching Deathgasm or Black Roses instead of reading this?), I can't in good conscious recommend that anyone save for diehard Lordi fans watch Dark Rooms. Its problems make the movie feel like it's stuck in quicksand, and worse yet, the final conclusion for the flick doesn't really give us a great explanation for what in the world we just watched for nearly ninety minutes. Plus....we're still talking about Lordi here. Even if you are a well-versed fan, there aren't any drastic alterations made to their costumes or attires, so when they start attacking or terrorizing people, all you keep thinking to yourself is "man, that 'hard rock hallelujah' band is pissed off over something that I can't quite comprehend." This musical gathering (whose own cheeseball song "Beast Loose in Paradise" plays during the credits) may appear to be frightening if you have children that are still in preschool, but to everyone else, they just look extremely goofy. It makes me wonder as to how this could have been marketed to a single soul in Finland, especially when you consider how famous they are in their native country. Perhaps if you are in the mood to ponder such an unnecessary question, you could throw your money down the drain by buying it on DVD, or streaming it for free on HBO Go.




So, what can I inject into my brain that will erase the awful memories of this hellish Helsinki failure?

Ahhh, just what the doctor ordered.


....I'm not apologizing for that joke.


Before anyone decides to jump on me, I must clarify that I HAVE seen Re-Animator on more than a few occasions, though it has admittedly been some time since I last paid a visit to Dr. Herbert West and his laboratory full of ideas that explore the possibility of reviving dead tissue. But god damn, is there any better example of how to pick yourself back up after sitting through cinematic excrement? Well, at least in terms of media-related ways I mean.


As I established multiple times throughout the past, it seems wholly futile to discuss the greatness of particular motion pictures that are already well-respected in the horror community. What more can I say about movies like Evil Dead 2, The Thing, or anything else with credibility and stature that hasn't already been uttered throughout several decades? And yet, I was compelled to watch Stuart Gordon's big screen take on the titular H.P. Lovecraft story specifically because I have ran into far too many people at work, be they customers or not, who have never bothered to bat an eye at Re-Animator. The plot for this bad boy concerns a scientist named Herbert West (played by the extremely underrated, charismatic Jeffrey Combs) who has been experimenting with a serum that he has developed which can bring that which is recently deceased back to life, though with mixed results in terms of post-revival behavior.


If you are going to be meticulous about adapting short stories into full-length feature films, then I suppose that you could be a bit cross about adding side plots to Gordon and producer Brian Yuzna's reworking. Still, it's hard to even tell the difference between the two sources, as they spice up what was already a fairly fascinating story by injecting a lot of dark humor into the script and making sure that Herbert himself is not entirely unsympathetic. Much of that comes from a lot of wacky, black comedy, including multiple moments of corpses freaking out over their sudden return to the land of the living (the squabble between Combs and a pet cat is quite hilarious). There is an abundance of morbid charm and finesse that helps take it to the next level of excellence. More of the adoration comes from the strong cast, including standouts from previous season favorite From Beyond like the aforementioned Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton, and Black Scorpion veteran Bruce Abbott. Nobody here does a bad job at all, with the devilishly creepy David Gale (star of another Unseen Terror entry titled The Brain) turning in a very memorable performance that only seems to get darker with every second that passes. For the very select few women who have never seen Re-Animator before: the final ten minutes could leave you traumatized, even if it's only for a temporary moment or two.


There is just so much to love and adore about Stuart Gordon's Re-Animator, which is one of the more wholly unique, creative, and hysterical takes on the concept of the zombie/Frankenstein formulas (pun intended). Perhaps in future Unseen Terrors, I will venture into the land of its sequels, which while receiving very mixed reviews, have always piqued my interest. If you are in the mood for something dementedly entertaining, Re-Animator is available for streaming on Netflix, as it is on newer horror-based subscription service Shudder. But hey, why not be more ambitious and just shell out a few bucks for the Blu-Ray instead?




Well, that will do it for....wait a minute, I can't end this on a movie that I've already seen. I have to throw in at least one more addition to the catalogue, don't I?

How oddly fitting that we began this year's marathon with a picture revolving around the horrors of man's mistakes (The Return of Godzilla), and now conclude with one about its own twisted beliefs (or lack thereof). For reasons unknown to even myself, I had never gone out of my way to watch 1973's highly-regarded and beloved The Wicker Man. It's a picture whose reputation as one of the best pieces of British cinema has grown exponentially over every decade that follows: a fascinating dissection about the clashing of religions and mankind's own bizarre, morose set of morals. For me, after the credits had wrapped up, I can't really see any reason to disagree with these opinions.


For the uninitiated, The Wicker Man revolves around a British sergeant named Howie, who has received an anonymous letter in the mail from a concerned citizen residing in the secluded area known as Summerisle: they claim that a young girl named Rowan Morrison has gone missing, and wish for someone to come and investigate. Arriving by biplane, he begins to question the residents, but every single one of them claims to have never heard of Rowan, or state that she has never existed. While perusing, he notices that the townsfolk partake in quite a number of tactics and traditions that are eerily reminiscent of early paganism (which can look tantalizing to most modern day fans). Being a devout Christian, Howie is appalled, but continues his work regardless. As time goes by, he digs deeper, and discovers that while all seems blissful in Summerisle, there is a much darker past to the land and its people than he could have ever realized.


Some will view (recently deceased) writer/director Robin Hardy's debut film as purely an attack on purity in a world that is anything but, though one can debate that it also argues for some sort of religious control (or at the very least, a sense of what is right and what is wrong). In the end, I viewed it as really just the horrors of sheer ignorance, and that both sides of the coin are equally flawed in this case. Howie (played brilliantly by Edward Woodward) does seem to be a bit of an uptight snob, but when he turns his nose up at the sight of seeing children having toads stuck into their mouths in hopes that it will cure whatever ails them, one can't help but feel that some of his disgust is a bit warranted. On the other hand, the world of Summerisle feels like something out of a dream: nobody fights, everyone is merry or helpful, the children are rather polite, men & women cavort about naked & make love in public with no care in the world, and their leader (portrayed by Christopher Lee) comes across as the type of interesting man who you could just become lost in listening to for hours. These clashes do contribute to the very noticeable slow burn over the course of the movie (which will make or break it for impatient fans), but when the final third of The Wicker Man comes about, it is thoroughly captivating and something that is very difficult to forget. In some regards, it feels like a companion piece to Don't Look Now, which was another 1973 release that took its sweet time and finished with a stunning ending (here's where I cue the cheap plug for my review of it).


I am quite satisfied that I can conclude 2016's Unseen Terror with a mesmerizing mystery-horror hybrid like The Wicker Man. It certainly won't be for everyone, but for the lot of you who are only familiar with the unintentionally hilarious remake from 2006 (note: there are no killer bees in the original flick), I think that seeking this out would be a wise move to make. After all, if you have a subscription to Starz or a few dollars to spend on internet shopping services such as Amazon, then why not may I ask?



Besides, giving any sort of money to Nicholas Cage in this day and age is the equivalent of buying alcohol for a homeless person.




And.......we're done! Thank you for sticking around, and for your patience during these occasional gaps and lulls in quality. I would also like to thank any and every single person who followed along for this, including those who shared/liked/commented on any of these reviews on social media. Hell, even those who bothered to bat an eye towards a single entry are worthy of a can of coke. You guys and gals keep me sane, and I doubt that I will ever tire of doing this.



Well, unless I keep getting exposed to theatrical diarrhea like Up from the Depths. Or Dark Floors. Or Cruel Jaws. Or Varan the Unbelievable. Or Dreamcatcher.



.....maybe I need to plan this out more carefully next time.




Anyway, see you guys soon for DOCTOR STRANGE!