Unseen Terror 2024: Coming Down to the Wire (Day 29)

 

If there ever was a definition of a “cult” film, it would be 1983’s folk horror oddity known as Eyes of Fire. Admittedly I had never even heard of this until last year but given that this was previously unreleased on anything outside of VHS since 1987, it isn’t surprising that it sat in obscurity for anyone who didn’t live in the backroom of their local video store. That, or people who were willing to shill out an entire paycheck for a copy on eBay. Seriously folks, just wait. Eventually everything becomes available to the public for purchase (unless it’s literally a lost film like the original Korean cut of Yongarry, Monster from the Deep or Alfred Hitchcock’s The Mountain Eagle).

 

Timeline-wise, this is one of the oldest films I’ve reviewed for Unseen Terror in quite some time. Eyes of Fire takes place in 1750 during colonial times (and before the United States declared independence) and is told through the viewpoints of two young women who have been discovered by French military officers. Along with a handful of others from their settlement, they were forced to flee after the new, Christian preacher was accused of adultery. They make their way downriver to establish a new colony but find themselves on land that may harbor vengeful spirits rarely seen by man nor beast. Before I get into any further discussion about this, I have to say that we really do need to respect and treasure physical media, because I doubt that anyone save for film connoisseurs such as Arrow Video, Vinegar Syndrome, or Severin Films (the latter of whom were able to get this out on 4K Blu-Ray in 2021) would ever be able to put enough care into making something this old look at least ten years younger than it actually is. From what I understand, Severin ended up going directly to writer/director Avery Crounse for a proper print, and not only was he willing to assist, but he even provided them with the original, lengthier cut (titled Crying Blue Sky) to touch up and release as well should they like. I have to say, I’d be more than willing to watch a longer version of this picture, because I’m almost certain that the additional lost twenty-something minutes could make things a bit more coherent than what we have here. Mind you, what we get here is pretty damn great though.

 

As expected with a lot of entries in the “folk horror” genre, there is some trippy and surreal imagery found throughout Eyes of Fire, especially in its second half. There wasn’t a single time when I saw faces seemingly engraved in trees that I didn’t get a slightly weird vibe. The film as a whole is very photogenic, which makes sense when you consider that Crounse’s background was primarily in the photography field. Its slow, sometimes quiet nature almost feels like it’s out of place (in a good way!) for something released during one of the most decadent and “outrageous” decades of cinema. If you were to feature this at a showcase for obscure horror movies at your local cineplex, I think people would be genuinely surprised that this wasn’t released in the late 70s. As for the quality of the film beyond its striking visuals? Well, I’d say that the acting is mostly very solid, with the striking Karlene Crockett standing out as a mostly mute and very peculiar ally whose past could unexpectedly help shape everyone’s future. There’s also the previously mentioned preacher played by the late Dennis Lipscomb, whose foolish hopes and faith are constantly put to the test as we see him slowly descend into madness. Everyone else feels slightly underdeveloped (including a young Rob Paulsen…. yes,THAT Rob Paulsen for all of you voiceover geeks reading this), but I’d attribute that more to studio interference and forced cuttings than anything else.

 

I don’t really give out unofficial “awards” for these kinds of marathons that I do (despite some people saying that I should), but I’d say that Eyes of Fire would win for best hidden gem of this year’s Unseen Terror. I think that if you’re a fan of more renown entries in the folk horror field (i.e. The Wicker Man, The Witch, Midsommar), this is worth tracking down. It’s currently streaming on Shudder and is available to purchase on Blu-Ray from Severin Films.

Unseen Terror 2024: I Went to Italy Last Year (Days 26-28)

Did I mention that I went to (most of) Italy last year? If I did not, it’s because I’m relatively quiet on most social media sites. I swear I will upload the photos and videos from the whole trip sooner than later. Anyways, why am I mentioning this? Well, when we visited Rome, I was lucky enough to strongarm several family members into visiting “Profondo Rosso,” which is a hidden gem of a memorabilia store owned by famed Italian director Dario Argento. It’s an extremely cool place to peruse if you’re even remotely into horror, science fiction, or just popular culture that’s a bit too “odd” for most people. Plus, the basement contains a number of props from Argento’s pictures! Anyways, I just wanted to gush for a bit before we talk about a few films that I’ve never seen until this year (all of which hail from, well, Italy).

 

Inferno is a thematic and spiritual successor to Dario’s breakthrough masterpiece Suspiria, and it seems to have always been stuck in a weird spot between that flick and 1982’s impressive bloodbath known as Tenebre. It is the second installment in what the director has dubbed his “Three Mothers” trilogy (1977’s Suspiria is the first, 2007’s Mother of Tears is the third). Each one deals with a titular “mother” determined to rule the world while using powerful dark magic to eliminate anyone who would stand in their way. The plot has us following several characters, two of whom have taken interest in a strange book titled The Three Mothers, which tells of three evil sisters who would conquer all with sadness, tears, and darkness. When one of the main characters goes missing, their brother comes to New York City to investigate. That is about the easiest way to describe the plot to Inferno, because while I did find it to be an overall very enjoyable watch, it is a messier product than most of Argento’s other works from the 1970s and beyond. There is a strong insistence on killing newly introduced characters WAY too quickly (including longtime Argento collaborator Daria Nicolodi), and the final act feels a bit silly in spots. Still, much like most releases in the giallo genre, it is a beautiful film to look at and has style oozing out of every pore. There are some legitimately spooky moments throughout (in particular, an underwater swimming scene that I suspect must have been incredibly stressful to film) and some expectedly wicked and dastardly kills that while not as extravagant as those seen in the likes of Tenebre, Opera, or Deep Red, are still quite the sight to behold (cat lovers beware of one scene though). Surprisingly, longtime Argento collaborators and music composers Goblin are absent from Inferno’s soundtrack, with the director choosing noteworthy progressive rock musician Keith Emerson (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer) to compose the score. Reportedly, he wanted something different this time around so as to keep this feeling separate from Suspiria. I must admit that the bombastic and proto-symphonic metal “Mater Tenebrarum” is undeniably AWESOME, but the rest of the score is a real mixed bag or too chaotic for something that’s considerably toned down compared to this director’s other efforts.

 

It's far from Dario Argento’s best work, but despite it being a bit messy, Inferno is still a wonderfully weird 80s gem that should do quite well with fans of more supernatural-based horror flicks and with those looking to get into horror pictures from across the pond. I don’t plan on finishing the “Three Mothers” trilogy this year, but perhaps it could make the list next time. Unless we’re all dead by this time next year. That’s always a possibility.

 

 

 

 

 

When it comes to expressing my feelings on 1981’s Italian exploitation flick Cannibal Ferox (known as Make Them Die Slowly in the west), I feel as though Google Translate is the best way to sum it up: “Se ti rende felice, allora sono felice per te.” Nearly every time I’ve been recommended adding a picture from the “cannibal” subgenre of horror to my queue and/or Unseen Terror rough drafts, it usually results in massive disappointment, if not outright frustration. Occasionally I’ll discover a pleasant surprise such as Ravenous or Bone Tomahawk (though the latter’s classification is tenuous at best), but usually it matters not if your project is grimy or glossy; I just don’t vibe with them. I was hoping that perhaps in the wake of the genre’s most notorious release (the prior year’s infamous Cannibal Holocaust), rival filmmakers would have some sense of morality and try not to repeat some of the ghastly acts from years prior. I was an idiot to think such a thing would happen.

 

While a lot more straightforward than director Ruggero Deodado’s Cannibal Holocaust, writer/director Umberto Lenzi’s Cannibal Ferox is also pretty icky in its own right, but also just flatout badly made. For all of the disdain I have for Deodado’s flick, I’ll give it credit for being a better structured picture as a whole and helping to introduce the concept of “found footage” to the general public before most other movies did decades later. Ferox though? Well, its plot is significantly less interesting (a very dumb skeptic drags two friends with her to Colombia to prove that cannibalism is a myth. Things don’t go well) and it has these extremely jarring and quite frankly irritating cuts back to the states while our “heroes” are in peril on another continent. It disrupts the mood and forces you to also watch some horribly sexist and violent scenes towards women. When we’re back to Colombia, we bear witness to something that Ferox has in common with Holocaust, which is a bunch of real, on-screen animal killings. I have now seen two films with live turtle dismemberment, and that is two films too many. I know I might sound like a hypocrite considering that I am an omnivore but filming real animal mauling and killings for the sake of making your movie feel more “intense” or for “art” is scummy behavior. Hell, supporting actor Giovanni Lombardo Radice refused to participate in the killing of a wild pig on camera (with them using a double to complete the scene) and went on record expressing his disgust for even being in the flick itself. There’s also extraordinarily poor dubbing (not completely uncommon in Italian horror), but it is unbelievably bad here. If you were to take a shot for how many times someone calls a woman a “twat,” you would be dead before the halfway mark. Still, I suppose I CAN give Cannibal Ferox credit for two particularly good things: it has a shockingly good score (more pulsating and groovier than the moody, eerie one heard in Cannibal Holocaust), and the special effects & gore are solid. Still, two rights do not make up for several wrongs, and when your wrongs just feel so repugnant, I can’t fully recommend your movie to anyone other than a very niche audience. I don’t expect to be revisiting this one again unless I’m paid to.

 

 

I’ve been meaning to get more into the cinematic works of famed Italian maestro Mario Bava for quite some time. While I’ve only ever seen Black Sunday and Black Sabbath, both of those are quite grand and when I heard that his 1964 effort Blood and Black Lace is one of the earliest entries in the giallo genre (this + Bava’s prior effort The Girl Who Knew Too Much are considered to be the first two flicks in the genre as a whole), I knew I had to watch it before I leave this mortal coil. Besides, after the taste that Cannibal Ferox left in my mouth, something had to be done.

 

The plot concerns a series of brutal murders of a fashion house’s beauty models, all of whom seem to be the victim of a masked killer in search of a diary that contains unknown details and personal stories that the staff most likely don’t want revealed to the public. Mind you, that isn’t giving anything away about Blood and Black Lace’s overall story, but the picture goes into enough weird directions and feels slightly overstuffed with characters that I feel like it’s about as simple of a one that I could come up with. If I could describe this film in two simple words, it would be “visually sinister.” I’m always in amazement with what these kinds of movies back in the day could do with color palettes, as even with a more grounded and far less supernatural-based story, the contrast in visual tones makes the world in which this is set in feel otherworldly. How is it that directors from overseas manage to make you wonder how you see the color red so differently than you’ve seen in your entire life? What I’m trying to say is that Blood and Black Lace, despite being quite an old release, looks beautiful and better than a lot of bigger budget horror releases dumped into theaters by the likes of, say, Blumhouse. It’s also a decidedly nefarious flick; it obviously lacks the over-the-top imagery of future Italian horror filmmakers such as Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci, but this is still one hell of a mean movie. I felt so terrible for the actresses here, as their characters are just dealt the kind of punishment that I’m almost certain inspired future Western filmmakers in the genre and could make some 80s slashers take notes. Even in its quiet moments, Bava can instill a sense of dread in the viewer that leaves you morbidly curious for what could come about next. It’s so good that it almost makes you forget the strangely anticlimactic twist in its third act and how awkward some of the dubbing is (I’d personally love to track this down in its native language). Still, those are minor complaints about what I think is otherwise a solid movie.

 

 

If you have an appreciation for the genre and wish to expand your horizons in horror, give Blood and Black Lace a watch. There’s a reason why so many filmmakers (including Martin Scorsese!) have cited it as one of their absolute favorite pieces of cinema, with some even going so far as to pay homage to it in their own films. I don’t normally encourage this but pour yourself a glass of something classy like wine or McDonald’s Sprite and enjoy the ride. And if you find yourself in Rome, go hit up "Profondo Rosso." Tell them Ryan sent you. They don't know me, but it'll help boost my morale.

Unseen Terror 2024: Stream Wars (Days 24-25)

This isn’t exactly a mind-blowing revelation, but streaming services are everywhere these days. I’ve lost count with how many there are now, and every time that I finish typing a sentence, a new one pops up like you just spilled water on a mogwai. Whatever the case, here are three movies (and a television show) that are exclusive to their streaming homes. Of course, I’m sure you could find these via “other” means, but I digress.

 

 

Hulu’s Mr. Crocket came onto my radar recently and much like has happened before, the poster immediately caught my attention. It’s a strange, if not uneven mixture of The Ring and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood (with some elements of Wes Craven’s New Nightmare thrown in for good measure), where a children’s TV show host is kidnapping kids via a strange VHS tape that makes its way into the homes of fractured families. The biggest praise I can give to this one is that the practical effects and gore are surprisingly very good, and the opening of the film is great, with American Crime actor Elvis Nolasco delivering an amusing performance as the titular villain. As time goes by, however, the movie starts to lose steam because it can’t seem to make up its mind about what tone it wants to stick with. Does it want to be a dark horror-comedy, or a serious story about recovering from trauma and the hardships of being a single parent? The third act in particular is kind of a mess and includes a ludicrous revelation involving a supporting character that feels like an excuse to increase the body count. Still, I’m looking forward to seeing whatever writer/director Brandon Espy comes up with after the dust on this has settled. The talent is there in Mr. Crocket, but I so, so wish the consistency was as well. Maybe see if the guy is down to do a V/H/S segment sometime sooner than later!

 

Up next was Amazon’s horror-themed dessert competition show Killer Cakes. If you’re familiar with any of the more popular cooking television programs like The Great British Bake Off, then you’ll know what to expect here. It’s a miniseries where four teams of two bakers craft and serve cakes that fit the morbid themes assigned to them by host Matthew Lillard (whose status is at the point where his presence can brighten nearly any project he’s in), while hoping that judges Danielle Harris (The Wild Thornberrys, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers) and Nikk Alcaraz (a YouTuber and cookbook author who I’ll admit I had no familiarity with) will approve of the final products. Honestly, the biggest complaint I have about this was the entire show consists of two episodes. The creativity and fun that went into some of these bakes was quite charming, but I really wish we could’ve seen more. Plus, the more Matthew Lillard the merrier. Anyways, if you miss the fun weirdness of gone-too-soon gems like The Curious Creations of McConnell, this is an amusing watch. 

Unlike…..

 

 

 

Honestly…………………I don’t really feel like reviewing this one. Not because it brought any feelings to the surface that I didn’t already have. Not because it terrified me immensely (calling it a horror-comedy is pushing it). Not because I was left speechless. Not even because I held my head in my hands asking, “why did I choose this of all things to watch?” I don’t feel like discussing this one because I’ve seen a lot of people say it’s a new “comfort” watch for them and I don’t want to hurt any feelings or bum anyone out. I haven’t been an Adam Sandler fan since the early 2000s (save for his roles in the likes of Punch-Drunk Love and Uncut Gems) and I feel like his performance in Funny People was his attempt at breaking the fourth wall by speaking to the audience and saying that he really wanted to stop making dumb comedies…only to follow that up with another decade’s worth of crass, juvenile films made for audiences that really wish they could say that one slur for mentally challenged people again without getting ugly stares from people with a conscience. I’ve gotten tired of the “talk in a funny voice throughout the entire picture” schtick. I’m tired of the cliched “he’s a dumbass but gets the hottest women” trope. All that being said, I’m not in the mood to be terribly negative and ragging on modern-day “Happy Madison Productions” releases isn’t worth the effort. If you get enjoyment out of Sandler’s entire catalog and want something to watch with your preteen kids, then go right ahead and check out Hubie Halloween on Netflix. I am not part of his audience anymore, but I hope you have fun.

 

It's infinitely better than Jack and Jill or I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry though. And there is a clever gag about every female news anchor dressing like Harley Quinn.

 

 

 

In terms of who wins this unofficial contest of “best original film” among the three feature-length flicks discussed in this entry, Tubi (surprisingly) comes away as the winner. The horror-comedy Clickbait: Unfollowed is essentially what would happen if you took Squid Game or Battle Royale but made the contestants “influencer” stereotypes. You’ve got the new age girl, the crypto bro, the beauty advisor, and a few more that I won’t fully mention so as not to spoil some of the surprises. They’re invited to a nice house where they discover that they’ve been given a series of tasks where whoever comes in last, is…well, let’s just say “taken offline.” Writers/directors/co-stars Melanie Scrofano & Katherine Barrell (the former you may recognize from the awesome Ready or Not) bring just enough humanity to each of these characters to make them not completely aggravating to be around for ninety minutes, with Roberto Kyle and Ashleigh van der Hoven standing out among the cast (though everyone here is doing a solid job and clearly having fun). I do wish it had been a little gorier, but maybe that’s the sicko in me talking. Perhaps spending too much time with Terrifier 3 and In a Violent Nature corrupted me. Anyways, this is completely free to watch (as is everything on Tubi) and for a “Tubi Original,” it’s a lot of fun!

 

We’ve got less than a week’s worth of movies to watch and discuss now. Time to break out some big guns soon…………to be so eloquent, "È ora di fare un viaggio in Italia e guardare alcune cose inquietanti dei primi anni '80."

 

Unseen Terror 2024: Someone Needs Therapy (Day 23)

The fanaticism for the long running Terrifier franchise is nothing short of fascinating. Exploding in popularity primarily through word of mouth, the gruesome exploits of silent, creepy slasher villain Art the Clown has taken the horror world by storm (whether they’ve embraced it or not is a completely different story), and writer/director Damien Leone’s decision to expand what was once a relatively linear story into a full-fledged one with strong characters is unexpected and admirable. Now arriving eight years after its first full-length entry made its way into the world of modern-day horror (though if you want to count shorts, this is Art the Clown and Terrifier’s 16^th birthday), Terrifier 3 has come to, in layman’s terms, plant high explosives in your chimney. For you see, this marks the movies’ first time outside of the season of the witch and into the time that anyone who’s ever worked in retail before detests with a passion: Christmas!

 

The story picks up immediately after the events of Terrifier 2, where we saw Art (played here once again by David Howard Thornton) get his comeuppance via a satisfying sword decapitation. Turns out that despite getting your head chopped off, you can’t keep a good clown down and, well, he gets better. Now joined by an accomplice in the form of physically deformed, insane survivor Victoria Hayes (a returning Samantha Scaffidi, one of only two performers to appear in every full-length entry of the series), they enter a five-year-long hibernation. When they’re accidentally disturbed by demolition workers, Art resumes what he’s been so good at doing. This time around though, he discovers that he’s woken up during a different holiday, which leads to him grabbing a Santa suit and committing more horrible acts (but now with some X-mas themed flair). Elsewhere, Terrifier 2’s survivors Sienna and Jonathan Shaw are trying to move on with their lives, though the former has been released from a mental health center and is wrecked with survivor’s guilt, while the latter is trying to settle into a life of normalcy at college. It doesn’t take terribly long for the two to discover that perhaps their greatest nightmare has returned, and they attempt to concoct a way to finish him off for good.

 

Let’s get the biggest positive of Terrifier 3 out of the way right now: it is shorter than its predecessor and flows much better than prior installments (though we’re still subjected to some scene lingering here and there). I think this shows Leone’s growth as a filmmaker and understanding the audience a little more. While we’re more than satisfied watching the extravagant and expertly shot murder sequences of these flicks, it’s like watching a “death match” in professional wrestling. There’s a good chunk of people who love the sheer insanity and audacity of it all, but we need a breather from time to time. Speaking of those slayings, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the deaths in Terrifier 3 are chaotically, unapologetically gruesome. For every time that I thought to myself “I don’t think you can top the ‘bedroom’ centerpiece from the second film,” Leone and his crew manage to prove you wrong. If you have any suspicions that Art may have lines he doesn’t cross, then I’d like to point you to a sequence that takes place inside of a mall. Understandably, the movie’s most infamous moment (and what will likely nab it several awards at niche horror-themed ceremonies from the likes of Dead Meat and Fangoria) is a double kill involving a chainsaw that would make fans of 1980s cult favorites such as Pieces very proud and the creators of violent video game series Mortal Kombat blush (side note: NetherRealm Studios, put Art the Clown in your newest game as DLC and watch your sales skyrocket). Simply put, the movie’s kills are like putting Mortician lyrics from pen to screen. In what is perhaps the most pleasant surprise, Terrifier 3 is also a lot funnier than its predecessors. These films were never joyless slogs, but actor David Howard Thornton is really getting a chance to showcase his comedic chops via great body language and little mannerisms that briefly defuse the horrors of what you’re seeing on screen. It’s similar to what we’d see in some of the later-day Elm Street sequels, but with a villain who never utters a single word to the audience.

 

Perhaps the greatest triumph of the Terrifier series above all else though has been the rise of our now recurring heroine Sienna Shaw (played wonderfully by a returning Lauren LaVera). She has emerged from the events of the prior flick with plenty of mental and physical scars, but much like the strongest of horror protagonists (or hell, just film in general), they haven’t weakened her and have made her more alert than ever. It’s akin to seeing the growth of classic horror heroines such as Ellen Ripley or Nancy Thompson, and her performances are the anchor to this gorefest of a franchise. Without going into any spoilers, it’s going to be very interesting to see where her character goes after the events of Terrifier 3, but as long as LaVera and Leone continue to work together, I’m all here for it. Put her in the ‘S’ tier of all-time best “final girls.”

 

At this point in its lifecycle, the Terrifier franchise, for better or for worse, is here to stay and is a testament that you don’t need an astronomically high budget to shock or disturb audiences. They’re very much like that local restaurant that you’ve dubbed “the best *insert food item* in town.” While that statement is a debatable one amongst you and your colleagues, it’s still a very satisfying meal for what they charge. It’s blood-soaked comfort food, and regardless of whether this kind of stuff is your jam or not, I think it’s incredible to see an unrated motion picture top the box office (and to dethrone the highly anticipated Joker: Folie a Deux with relative ease). It’s neat to see things shaken up sometimes. That, and it’s a great big middle finger to that anti-union, “anti-woke” jackass Todd Phillips. If you’ve got the stomach and want a splatterific way to kill two hours, come on down to the clown café again.

Unseen Terror 2024: Generic Serial-Related Pun (Days 19-22)

Movies huh? Anyways, I’d say that if there was any connecting theme between the four films today it would be “notoriety.” I’m basing that off pulling that out of my ass at the last minute because I’ve had bad writer’s block. Anyways, let’s move on.

 

(poster by Thomas Walker)

In terms of longevity, few films have been on the “queue” for Unseen Terror longer than Michael Mann’s Manhunter. I have no legitimate excuse for why it took so long to finally watch it until 2024. Maybe laziness? I mean hell, how did I choose watching every single Hellraiser and Children of the Corn sequel over watching the on-screen debut of infamous fictional serial killer Hannibal Lector? Manhunter stars William Petersen as retired FBI criminal profiler Will Graham, who is dragged out of retirement to assist in the arresting of a new serial killer nicknamed “The Tooth Fairy.” Still mentally scarred following his last case and encounter with a killer (in this case, Brian Cox’s Hannibal Lector), he must confront demons from his past to track down this new, enigmatic force. I’ll admit that it was somewhat difficult to NOT compare this older adaptation of Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon novel to the one that came out in 2002, because in terms of accuracy and faithfulness to the source material, that picture leaves in parts from the book that are absent here. That being said, I’d argue that between the two pieces of film, this is the more stylistically captivating (its use of strong color cues and tinted sceneries are otherworldly), and it’s a more well-made flick in general. The performances from everyone (Petersen and Cox in particular) are triumphant, and with the way that Michael Mann shoots it you feel like you’re just stuck inside some semblance of what once was a more “normal” world. The score of Manhunter is one of its strongest aspects too; Michel Rubini’s sounds are synth-heavy, making the picture feel dated in a good way. Not much can replicate it.

 

Manhunter is a tremendous and superbly underrated flick that I regret not watching sooner. I suspect that there is much more to analyze and take in upon repeated viewings too, which I’ll be more than happy to do over the next few years. It’s currently streaming on Amazon Prime, but if you lack access to that, there are several methods in which you can gain a physical copy of the flick itself.

 

 

I was slightly mistaken when glancing at the poster for 1988’s Jack’s Back, as I was under the impression this would be more like a horror film than what it really turned out to be: a mystery flick with James Spader somehow NOT playing a villain. Hey, I can’t help that I’ve become accustomed to seeing him play a slimeball throughout most of my picture-viewing life. I sure hope he’s a nice fella in real life. The movie stars Spader as one of several people seeking the identity of a person who has begun committing murders on the 100^th anniversary of Jack the Ripper’s first slayings. Without giving too much away, this movie’s biggest twist occurs VERY early on, which while surprising, has been spoiled by nearly every media outlet or movie aggregator (Letterboxd is guilty of this too). I do wish it was a little more “thrilling” or even scary, but there are some moments of intensity and shots of gore that almost made me forget that this is from the same director who’d go on to direct cult favorite Road House a year after this hit cinemas. Overall, it’s a breezy watch, and Spader’s utter weirdness (even as a normal person) and eternal charming nature helps elevate it to the “pretty good” pile.

 

 

 

…. what? Marvel/20^th Century Fox advertised their final X-Men-related piece (or did they? Hyuk Hyuk) as their first foray into the world of horror, so I’m going to say this counts for the list. Besides, I’ve already seen Brightburn, and I’m not in a hurry to revisit that. Anyways, considering the notorious amount of reshoots, delays, edits, and general hell that The New Mutants went through, it’s a miracle that this turned out to be watchable AT ALL. The movie is centered around a group of young mutants (a.k.a. a human that possesses a genetic trait which usually manifests into powers) being held in a secret facility and spending most of their time brooding, squabbling, and acting like less fun versions of the kids from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Something weird comes up and they discover that they’re being held captive to be turned into weapons instead of heroes, and someone seems to be manifesting their darkest fears into reality. As far as characters go, this is a real mixed bag. The cast is full of talented performers like Maisie Williams (Game of Thrones), Charlie Heaton (Stranger Things), and Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch, Furiosa), but most of the time they’re either trying a bit too hard with tacked-on bad accents (seriously guys, Illyana/Magik is Russian, but she doesn’t talk or act like a racist Yakov Smirnoff) or just saddled with very predictable dialogue. Even if you aren’t a comics purist or X-Men devotee, you can still sense that something doesn’t feel quite right. But how does it fare as a horror film? Well….it has a giant CGI spirit bear that violently mauls some people, and the cast find themselves being terrorized by things called “The Smiling Men,” who look like rejected creature designs from Silent Hill. Also, Maisie Williams can kinda-sorta turn into a Werewolf at will. Sooooooo, there’s that.

 

Honestly, it sounds like I’m being a real cynic but considering that this followed the trainwrecks that were X-Men: Apocalypse and The Dark Phoenix, this is a masterpiece in comparison to those two. I didn’t find myself upset watching this one (though I was occasionally bored), and I’m glad I can finally say that I’ve watched “Marvel’s first horror movie” (the amount of disrespect to Blade by the way…some motherfuckers I swear), but it’s ultimately a big collective shrug.

 

 

 

Seeing as how all the Disney+ Simpsons shorts are the worst thing since the last worst thing ever, I’d rather not talk about this one and just move on. Half a star for Kelsey as Sideshow Bob because I’m a stupid mark.

 

 

The story of Woman of the Hour is perhaps the most “notorious” of the ones I’m reviewing today, and that’s because it’s based on a very real, very odd moment in television that a large chunk of people could have faint memories of; during an episode of old television staple The Dating Game (for you youngins’, imagine a sillier predecessor to Love is Blind), the featured bachelorette unknowingly picked a date with a man who was secretly a serial killer (played by Daniel Zovatto). It also marks the directorial debut of established actress Anna Kendrick, who also stars as an aspiring actress who is coaxed onto the show by her agent because they assume it will lead to television exposure and future projects. There is some loose playing with history here for the sake of crafting a more taut and tense picture, but for the most part it works very well. Zovatto can switch between surprisingly charming and terrifying at the drop of a hat, and I sure hope the guy gets a chance to be cast in some bigger projects. I’d say that the overall message of Woman of the Hour is to please believe women when they say that something seems very “off” about an individual, as you never know how long their creepy tendencies have been prominent and (in this case) how large their body count may be. It’s on Netflix and worth an evening viewing. I’d be very happy to see Anna Kendrick direct a full-fledged horror movie sooner than later now.

Unseen Terror 2024: Deceitful Art (Day 18)

Hey, sometimes I’m a sucker for a catchy title and an alarming poster.

 

Microwave Massacre from 1979 stars comedian Jackie Vernon (best known to people around my age and older as the voice of Frosty the Snowman from the Rankin/Bass specials) as a disgruntled construction worker who comes home one evening and in a drunken rage murders his shrew, nagging wife. When he wakes up the next morning, he has no memory of what occurred at nighttime, but to his horror discovers her corpse stuffed inside of their new, absurdly large microwave oven. After his initial shock wears off, he dismembers her body and stores it in foil wrap in the refrigerator. Not too long after that, he unintentionally takes some bites of his ex-wife’s hand, and yet again, his disgust subsides when he realizes that he quite likes the taste. Maybe there are even tastier morsels out there?

 

So, make no mistake about it; this is a remarkably trashy joint. When your movie opens by focusing on several closeups of a buxom woman walking down the street for no reason whatsoever, you know what you’ve signed up for. The movie’s whole style just screams “just go with it.” A lot of its humor falls flat, with there being a bit too much reliance on Vernon’s character just kind of talking to no one in particular (reportedly Rodney Dangerfield was considered for this role, but his asking price was too high). And despite its title, there really isn’t much in the way of, well, massacring. There’s a decent body count and some gross moments involving Vernon’s character sharing pieces of his “lunch” with co-workers, but the movie’s poster(s) gives the audience hope for something that just doesn’t quite come to fruition. All that being said, I was never bored during Microwave Massacre, and I found it to be a lot of fun. It’s a weirdly charming low budget oddity that could’ve been better in more capable hands, but it’s a short watch and not a terrible way to kill some time. I wouldn’t be upset if a remake was greenlit.

 

 

With all due respect to Microwave Massacre, I think they lost in the contest of “most eye-catching title and poster” here. I first became aware of the alarmingly titled Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator at the annual Monster Mania convention held in Maryland, but for reasons I can’t quite recall I decided against buying a bootleg DVD of it. But now that I’m essentially a homebody who is mostly done with the “con” stuff, there’s no reason to continue waiting on this one. Plus, it’s distributed by the kings of trash Troma Entertainment. How can you go wrong? I mean guys, that poster is pretty out there.

 

Well, you can go wrong rather quickly when you remember one very simple fact: being distributed by Troma does not mean it was MADE by Troma. So, this movie is a lie. Calling it a horror film (much less a horror-comedy as it is usually tagged) is stretching it. There was more money spent on crafting its poster than there was on concocting a coherent and halfway decent picture. There are no incinerations and technically no deaths. If anything, I’d classify it as a cheap, boring, meta-thriller masquerading as a horror movie. It’s another “bored rich people want to do bad things to pass the time” type of project which we’ve already seen before. There are two or three major twists that take place during its running time that serve more to annoy the audience than to shock them. Its actual ending makes you wonder why in the world you just spent ninety minutes of your life left on this miserable planet watching something that basically trolled you. It’s akin to taking the Rorschach test only for them to just tell you that you’ve been literally staring at a picture of a circle the entire time and that the psychologists are just actors for hire. Worst of all is that it is criminally dull. I legitimately fast forwarded three or four times hoping that this flick would give me SOMETHING to be excited about, but it never happened. And the only time I stop any movie is when I need to use the bathroom or check on dinner.

 

This was legitimately one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched since I started doing this in 2011. I think Children of the Corn and FeatdotCom may have lost the title of “worst of 2024” for this year’s marathon. At least with Corn, you knew what you were getting, and they didn’t really lie to the audience. This though? Junk. Add it to the list of “great posters for terrible pictures” alongside stuff like The Bees, The Phantom Menace and Reptilicus.

Unseen Terror 2024: King of the Castle Rock (Days 16 & 17)

 

Riding the Bullet is based on one of Stephen King’s lesser-known works, and it was released as the author’s first “online only” publication, available exclusively as an e-book for the low price of $2.50. Thankfully those who don’t wish to stare at a bright screen all day were able to read the novel in a full two years when it was included in his “Everything’s Eventual” collection. It’s one of two stories featured in that release that made its way to the big screen (the other being 2007’s 1408, which I think I’ve seen?). The story is set in the late 60s with a young man (Jonathan Jackson of soap opera mainstay General Hospital) hitchhiking his way to a hospital to see his dying mother, only to be picked up by an eccentric, almost otherworldly figure (David Arquette of Scream fame and former WCW world champion). For most of its running time, Riding the Bullet is edited in such a way that it legitimately started giving me a headache. The amount of cutaway and/or flashback sequences makes you wonder if you’ve accidentally been sucked into a Seth MacFarlane program. I’m also starting to realize that despite my respect for director Mick Garris and his appreciation for horror history and the art of the genre itself, he has a WILDLY inconsistent body of work (at least when he’s sitting in the big chair). I appreciate the little nod to Christine though with the appearances of the infamous Plymouth Fury car. I don’t believe that was present in the source material, but it’s still a cute wink to the audience. It takes about 50 minutes for the flick to get remotely interesting, but that’s only because we finally to get see Arquette pop up as our real antagonist. His wonderfully weird performance alone makes me want to put this into the “tossup” category, because prior to his introduction, it’s just a very mediocre flick.

 

At the end of the day, that’s what Riding the Bullet is: an average, if not slightly dull Stephen King adaptation of a book that nobody seems to talk about anymore. It’s miles ahead of efforts such as Dreamcatcher or The Langoliers, but it’s nowhere near as solid as previously reviewed entries like Gerald’s Game or The Dead Zone. If you’ve got ninety minutes to kill, you could find worse ways to spend your time.

 

Alright, let’s wrap up this round of Stephen King works with…..oh no.

 

 

I’m never going to escape this franchise, am I?

 

If you recall, for last year’s Unseen Terror marathon, I delved into the world of “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” (a.k.a. the Children of the Corn series). In layman’s terms, I truly believe it is the very worst horror movie franchise out there, and that’s because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single good film during its 40-year-long run (The Final Sacrifice is dumb fun, but that’s a faint compliment). I managed to avoid the 2009 “SyFy Channel premiere” remake from 2009 because it seemed almost impossible to find unless you had a region-free Blu-Ray player and an exorbitant amount of money to spend. Crisis (temporarily) averted. Unfortunately, I discovered that some poor soul made the mistake of uploading this to YouTube of all places less than a year ago, so I guess I MUST finally finish this franchise before it finishes me.

 

You should know the basis for Children of the Corn at this point, so I’m not going over the synopsis again. I will say that from a storyline standpoint, this is the most faithful to Stephen King’s original short story (save for Disciples of the Crow from 1983, but that’s considered a short film). That, however, is also its biggest weakness because oh dear lord these are THE most unlikeable protagonists I’ve seen in this entire franchise. When this young couple aren’t spending time bickering with one another, they’re constantly reminding the audience that the husband used to be in the marines or they’re even smacking the wife. While I’m not a screenwriter, I don’t think the series has ever set out to make you root more for the evil kids than anyone intended to be a hero. This is incompetence at its very finest. It doesn’t help that the lead performers (David Anders of iZombie fame and Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica) just don’t seem to vibe well with each other. Did I mention the NAGGING and bickering by the way? Yeah? Well, that’s too bad because it drags this movie down into a hole that it can’t get out of. Also, making fun of someone for serving in Vietnam and likely having PTSD is just fucking gross, especially when the person doing the bullying is supposed to be someone you’re rooting for. There’s also a really mortifying scene involving the members of the congregation watching teenagers fornicate in front of everyone. How classy, how necessary. Ick.

 

2009’s Corn remake sports a sepia tone all throughout its running time that is intended to make this feel creepy, but just makes it look cheap and gaudy. Speaking of “creepy,” I almost miss the over-the-top performances of the original film’s Isaac and Malakai because the new cast of youngins’ just aren’t very good. I hate criticizing the acting of kids, but I feel like everyone looks either disinterested or is just so flat. It’s like the entire cast took their classes from the same guy from the “Shooter’s gonna choke” scene in Happy Gilmore. There’s a cheap bit of nostalgia bait by playing snippets of the original film’s theme, but all it’ll make the audience want to do is revisit that picture instead. I mean, that original film is awful too, but at least it’s memorable.

 

It's very rare for me to genuinely hate a movie when I watch it for this marathon, but I LOATHED nearly every second of 2009’s Children of the Corn. For all the annoyance and anger that came to the surface, there was a moment of respite seeing the annoying wife get blown up in a car (though her corpse is shown later to be in fairly decent-looking condition after she’s crucified on corn stalks). Other than that? It’s pure torture from beginning to end. Fuck this movie, fuck this franchise, fuck the people involved (seriously, how did Vamp screenwriter Donald P. Borchers find himself writing and directing this?), and fuck YouTube for not taking it down immediately. But on the plus side? I’m done with it all now. There are no more movies to watch. No more in development (that I know of). Stephen King has yet to revisit the fictional town of Gatlin, Nebraska. It’s over.

 

Finally.

 

I’m free.