Unseen Terror 2016: Day 17

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past twenty-five years, I don't believe that The Simpsons' yearly special known as "Treehouse of Horror" needs any sort of proper introduction. And as I discussed yesterday, I seem to apply new rules and guidelines to Unseen Terror more than I realize. Given how I felt about last year's installment, and with the addition of this being the television show's six-hundredth episode (it falls just right below Japan's Sazae-san for the longest-running animated program in history), I figured that we were in for a real special treat that would be able to reward even those who have tuned out quite a number of years ago.


"Treehouse of Horror XXVII" opens with our titular family shopping for a Christmas tree, only to suddenly be confronted by a number of series antagonists from throughout the years, including the ghost of Homer's enemy Frank Grimes. I've always loved good ol' Grimey, as he served as a nice encapsulation of the constant critiquing the show has received from day one about how there is no way in hell that somebody as idiotic as Homer can accomplish as much as he does, and how posh his life is compared to everyone else's. As fun as it was to see him return, this prologue does ultimately feel like a waste though, even with bringing him back alongside of Kelsey Grammer's Sideshow Bob (who gets maybe ten seconds total to speak). Also, why in the world was Kang the Alien unable to speak English this time around, opting to just screech instead? On the plus side, it is followed by an amusing couch gag which pays tribute to Planet of the Apes.


Our first segment is titled "Dry Hard," and begins as a parody of The Hunger Games film series before descending into one that is closer in tone and visual appeal to last year's righteously great Mad Max: Fury Road. Despite some funny gags that pop up once in a while (whenever a person dies and their name is hoisted up on a big screen with something amusing underneath it), this felt so extremely lazy. It also begs the question of what does this have to do with Halloween or scary movies, but they seem to have given up on those associations and ties years ago. Luckily, "BFF R.I.P." is an amusing second story that feels very reminiscent of some of the yearly episode's earlier years, as it deals with Lisa seemingly having horrible luck with keeping anyone alive who claims to be her "best friend." It also gives us some solid Homer lines such as "Jeez, who would've thought a funeral for two kids would be so depressing?" Had this closed out the entire thing, I would have been able to cut the whole experience some slack, but they unfortunately follow it up with a James Bond & Kingsman parody titled "MoeFinger," which, to be as polite as I can be here, SUCKS. Given the seasonal tradition that these are supposed to have some sort of relation to horror or even science fiction, what sense did it make shoving this in here? Absolutely nothing works, failing to elicit even a quarter of a chuckle. Worse yet, as someone who can't stand musical acts such as Steely Dan (but can appreciate a fun Simpsons cameo), the fact that they wasted time and money on dragging the band's co-founder Don Fagen out for a five second appearance is just baffling. The episode closes out with a Tina Turner-lite song celebrating the show's longevity, which is charming until they take not-so-subtle shots at cancelled shows such as The Critic and Futurama. Say what you will about the former outstaying its welcome too, but at least it had the common decency to know when its end had finally arrived.


For such a monumental milestone, the newest entry in The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" series, which is usually a standout even among weaker seasons, is extremely disappointing. Though I know that I am just one lowly soul who spends too much of his time on the internet and watching films of varying quality, it's my opinion that it is time to allow Fox's cash cow to bow out and end with some dignity left intact. At this point, the show has been reaching levels of awfulness longer and far more often than it has the opposite, and that is depressing for older folks such as myself. Though I'm sure that your local cable provider has the option for audiences to watch this as soon as they want to (as will websites such as Simpsons World), it's probably better to just ignore this one and move on with your daily lives.

I consider the seventeenth year of my existence on this planet to be the absolute pinnacle of my geekdom. It was one of my last years of being a devout fan of professional wrestling, as I would take a break from regular viewing by 2004, only sporadically tuning in whenever there was a Royal Rumble or (sadly) a wrestler passing away. Of course, this would change again for the better in 2010, but I digress. Coincidentally, I also believe that it was the last truly great year for my beloved aforementioned series The Simpsons. But, most importantly, it was when this unapologetic nerd was fully immersed in the realm of Japanese animation. I was adamant that viewing any and every piece of work out there was vital to my well being, and it got fanatical enough to where I even attended my first convention (Baltimore's Otakon) dedicated to it in 2002. Much like I do these days with graphic novels, I tended to follow certain creators rather than entire studios or companies. One such writer that always attracted my attention was Mr. Yoshiaki Kawajiri, whose creations such as Ninja Scroll and Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust assisted in exposing me to darker, more mature material outside of say, Dragon Ball or Sailor Moon (yeah, I watched the latter. FIGHT ME). He also co-founded animation studio Madhouse, who helped many folks besides myself look beyond the realms of normalcy by distributing classics such as Trigun, and modern day hits such as High School of the Dead, Claymore, and Death Note. Most of their works are ones that I strongly recommend even to those who are apathetic about this niche genre, as they are chock full of wonderful creativity, unique action, memorable casts, and a ton of heart.

So, how does 1995's Bio Hunter, a story about two biologists who tackle virus-infected humans with demonically-enhanced powers, all while trying to combat some darker urges themselves, compare to all of those I had previously mentioned? Well, for starters, it opens with a lady's left breast spouting a nasty mouth, which proceeds to bite off and swallow a man's hand. Folks, you can't say that the Japanese aren't creative with their gore (go watch Tokyo Gore Police or The Machine Girl if you disagree). Sadly, the OVA begins to slowly slide downhill from then on, with nearly all of its problems firmly keeping it stuck in the mud for an all too brief sixty minute running time. None of the characters are especially interesting, and are given nowhere near the amount of time to grow attached to them. When we discover that one of our protagonists is infected with the same "demon virus" early on that permeates throughout the blood of others (calling this ailment by such a nickname is akin to calling your gym "Super Workout Place"), we raise an eyebrow or so, but he's still a fairly replaceable hero. Hell, the primary villain introduced during the second half feels like your average douchebag politician character in every form of media out there. Even though the pedigree of its voice cast does look extremely impressive on paper, Bio Hunter also suffers from being the recipient of some rather lifeless dubbing. In its defense, however, this was recorded and mixed during that awkward time period when a majority of actors didn't know whether to take anime seriously or not, as they were most likely certain that this would end up as a 90s-centric fad that would burn out just as quickly as it started. But hey, we do get the underrated line of "There's so much that science can't explain." Perhaps someone at U.S. production company Urban Vision is a creationist?


Bio Hunter isn't necessarily bad, but it feels almost instantly forgettable. Had there been a stronger focus on fleshing out a more complex, deeper story and less on making it cool or "edgy," then I think this could have been classified as a special, hidden gem. With a larger budget and more time, the OVA could have made for a fun television series, and it certainly wouldn't be too late to start considering how wide and varied the world of manga and anime are. As it stands, it feels like a dollar store version of Kawajiri's prior work Wicked City, which dealt with similar concepts and featured many of the same staples he throws into every piece he completes (tentacles, odd couple partnerships, body horror). The DVD and VHS are (unsurprisingly) out of print and will cost you a pretty penny if you wish to add them to your collection, though it is readily available to watch on nearly any website such as YouTube.



In fact, I think I'll take the risk and just post it below. Besides, you can always just watch for the first ninety seconds and stop, just to see the boob mouth.

Oh, and before I wrap this one up, would anyone be interested in me doing a mini-marathon one day devoted to exclusively "anime" horror? Please let me know. Because I totally think that I'll do it.




Tomorrow, it's time to cross off another requirement from my unofficial list of rules, as I tackle a particular remake from the past few years that I somehow forgot existed. Will is leave me feeling cold? If that's the case, man is always the warmest place to hide...

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 29

As the days towards Halloween are counting down, the time in which I can watch and review new, assorted projects from throughout the final three "years" of Unseen Terror is getting smaller and smaller. With that, I am going to pump out a few quick ones today, including the 2013 entry that I was hoping would warrant a longer writeup, but just didn't do enough to warrant more than a couple of complete paragraphs. But anyways, enough with the rambling.

Ahhh, another year means another entry in The Simpsons' yearly "Treehouse of Horror" anthology. Admittedly, I skipped last year's installment (mostly due to shaky memory and a lack of time), but seeing as how disappointed I was in 2013's effort, my expectations were relatively low this time around. As I observed two years ago, the episode usually starts off with a bang. In this case, it's an animated opening from irreverent, demented oddball John Kricfalusi, whom most children of the 1990s will recognize as the creator of the brilliant The Ren & Stimpy Show. It's a thing of insane beauty, and easily the highlight of the entire experience. Rather than have you seek it out on Youtube or Dailymotion, I'll just post it below.

In terms of the actual segments, to say that the quality ranges from good to awful seems like something that is commonly heard amongst Simpsons fans these days. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, they're right on the money with this one. The first tale, "Wanted: Dead, Then Alive," revolves around the always reliable Sideshow Bob FINALLY fulfilling his wish of killing Bart Simpson, though he begins to realize that perhaps the boy's existence kept him from living a life of complacency and dullness. Therefore, he finds a way to reanimate the young man, so that he may kill him repeatedly through various means. Of the three tales, it's inarguably the most fun, mostly due to Kelsey Grammer's ability to to lift and improve any episode from mediocre to, at the very least "good."  Our second one is a takeoff on Godzilla, with portions of the story drawn in black and white, featuring some amusing nods to the absurdities and charms of the Toho behemoth's origin. Then, it takes an unexpected turn by changing into a spoof of the remake from 1998 that shares the same name. "Homerzilla" as it is dubbed, is very hit or miss, with the second half falling a little flat (the concept would've been handled much better seventeen years ago). We conclude with a Chronicle parody that, to be as nice as I can be, is really, really bad. Forget the fact that The Simpsons already did a satire of the superhero genre in a segment from long ago; the biggest problem with "Telepaths Of Glory" is that it just isn't very funny.


Overall, Treehouse Of Horror XXVI was a tossup for me. The first fifteen minutes or so (which does include half of its second story) were very enjoyable, but the rest provides glaring evidence of the show's downward spiral into below-average quality. If you can find a rip online, or have access to a cable box with On-Demand features, give it a whirl and judge it for yourself.

Well, Oculus undoubtedly has one thing going for itself: it is the first motion picture to be produced by the rightly-maligned WWE Studios that does not feature a single performer from the wrestling company that bears the similar name. The Mike Flanagan-led project is also the first for the company to have the direct involvement of scary movie juggernaut Blumhouse Productions, whose association with franchises such as Paranormal Activity, Insidious, The Purge, and Sinister have solidified them as the go-to company for newer, widely distributed horror flicks that are more accessible for squeamish ticket buyers. Yes, a good chunk of the releases on their resume have been met with derision and disdain from older fans such as myself, but I'm willing to admit that they are still capable of putting out a picture here and there, be it meant to terrify or not, that is quite entertaining (Whiplash and The Green Inferno come to mind). Plus, their track record is far more trustworthy than other associates such as Dark Castle Entertainment.


But jesus christ, when it came to Oculus, a tale about a supposedly possessed mirror that may have played a part in the death of the parents of two siblings, I could not bring myself to care at all. Perhaps I would have been invested more in the story had several things not been so distracting though. For starters, the decision to have it continuously rely upon flashbacks that parallel modern events ends up not drawing you in, but making you feel as if you are watching a two-part film instead. Every segment that features our two leads as children made me ponder if this was originally conceived as the beginning to a potential franchise, with the kids growing up and trying to stop this evil mirror after some time has passed. If this wasn't the initial plan, then maybe it should have been. Heck, look at the recently-canceled second adaptation of Stephen King's It: their idea was to have the plot split into two separate pictures, with one focusing on the protagonists in their youth and the other with them as adults. Risky as that may have sounded, something daring such as that would benefited a motion picture like this too. That brings me to my second problem with Oculus: it is relying on viewers to believe that it is unlike anything that we have seen before. True, the argument could be made that technically NOTHING coming out in the realm of horror is fully, one hundred percent unique anymore (even Martyrs and We Need To Talk About Kevin, as great as they are, have parts that are reminiscent of works from yesteryear), but there are numerous pictures that did this concept better, with Alexandre Aja's 2008 supernatural flick Mirrors being the most obvious of the bunch. Finally, for as much as I like Karen Gillan (Guardians Of The Galaxy) as a person and as an actress, she is just plain terrible here. Her performance is an awkward balance of irritation and condescendence (coupled with a very "matter of fact" manner of speaking), and I didn't see how any member of the audience would want to root for her to succeed in taking revenge on the cursed object.


Oculus didn't do anything for me other than make me check the time on my phone repeatedly, but in all honesty, even with my aforementioned disapproval, I would still be willing to give this one more try at another time. It does feature some decent makeup work, plus an ending that will stick with you through thick and thin. Do I expect to be proven wrong about the rest of my opinions within a few years? Maybe it's too soon to say so. Go watch it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and come back telling me that I was just wrong about the entire experience.

I don't believe that I've ever mentioned it before, but the first two movies in the Tremors franchise stand as some of my favorite horror-comedies of all time. They are a brilliant blend of silly, quotable comedy, old time monster movie love, and western overtones that can stand the test of time better than most other pictures released in or around the decade. Plus, in the case of the later sequels, Tremors is one of the few series that still uses practical effects and puppetry, which is an art that while seemingly archaic by today's standards, packs far more heart than anything that a computer could produce. So, when I heard that we were FINALLY receiving a new flick after an eleven year wait, I was certainly excited, though I did have some skepticism. Between 2003 and 2004, we were blessed with Tremors 4: The Legend Begins and the SciFi television show simply titled Tremors: The Series. One could argue about the quality of these particular projects (I still think that the latter was undeserving of the sheer amount of negative feedback it got, which was mostly due to taking over beloved show Farscape's time slot), but the general consensus was that the fans were left feeling a bit underwhelmed. In what had to be the scariest casting news in recent memory, Universal Pictures also unveiled Jamie Kennedy (Scream, Son Of The Mask) as the newest sidekick for gun-crazed hero Burt Gummer, more often than not portrayed wonderfully by Family Ties' Michael Gross.


Mercifully, these fears are not completely realized. Though a good chunk of the series' original creators are nowhere to be found on Tremors 5: Bloodlines, their presence can be felt throughout its brisk ninety nine minute running time. I don't need to harp on about Gross' great depiction of the lone character to make it through these five flicks and television program, but he does bring a touch of insanity that comes naturally from living in near isolation while descending into bouts of occasional paranoia. This is all the more apparent from Bloodlines' opening segment, which consists of Burt talking over stock footage from prior installments and humorously drawn animatics of the Graboids, Shriekers (which are sadly absent this time around), and Assblasters. After this, Kennedy's character Travis (who I found far less loathsome than I expected him to be), along with an unrelated businessman from South Africa, convince him to travel to the republic so that he may take care of a certain "infestation" if you will. Hey, for fun, speak or imagine that last sentence in your best Dusty Rhodes voice babeh.


The plot to Bloodlines does sound simple enough (and eerily similar to Tremors 2: Aftershocks), but for a franchise that has pretty much written itself into a corner with what one can do with its man-eating monstrosities, it still manages to provide pleasant surprises in the form of geographical differences with the creatures. Sadly, most of the familiar, bloodthirsty faces, which have been redesigned decently well for this trip out east, are inevitable victims of modern technology, which means that about a good ninety percent of Tremors 5: Bloodlines' antagonists are computer-generated. It's a damn shame, but I suppose that the decision was made to help cut costs, especially since I'm sure that shooting in the country of South Africa was not particularly cheap to do. The fact that this chapter also takes place in another part of the world made me realize something that I had never noticed in the twenty five years of Tremors' existence: there have never been any African American males or females on the big(ish) screen until now. Hooray for progress!


It may not be a complete triumph or return to form for the series, but Tremors 5: Bloodlines is an acceptable sequel that will go down as being far better than it had the right to be. It doesn't set out to change the game, or to even try and restart the entire process with a new hero at the helm, but when did Tremors ever have that intention to begin with? There is enough nostalgic nods to the prequels, goofy lines, and graboid guts to provide lots of love for the fans, even if it does feel like it was made for them and ONLY them. I say that if you can produce anything that makes Jamie Kennedy seem tolerable, you warrant a big thumbs up and deserve a round of drinks. Those of you who are purveyors of all things fun and cheesy can currently watch it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and you can buy the DVD or Blu-Ray for a relatively low price at most retail giants.



Tomorrow, I finally take the plunge and review what one of my favorite film critics, Mr. Mark Kermode, says was his absolute favorite picture of 2014. Will it be worth the hype? Or will it be overrated tripe?

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 20

Years ago, hopeful architect Frank Bannister's wife perishes in a car accident, and he develops the ability to communicate with the deceased. Frank initially uses these skills to work alongside of assorted spirits in order to make a quick dollar or two, as dishonest as it may be. However, when a series of murders start occurring around town, all caused by a ghost seemingly taking the form of the grim reaper, Frank is persuaded to investigate, in order to prevent it from completely eradicating the town's population of living AND deceased citizens.


Man, sometimes there are just the right times and the right pictures than can brighten your weekend, especially when it has been a rather physically rough one. Or rather, when the previous film you watched was directed by a slimy, disgusting pedophile, and you did everything in your power to try and forget it. Thank goodness for Peter Jackson. Five years before he delved into Middle-earth, but several years after he made arguably the bloodiest film of all time, Peter Jackson and his partner Fran Walsh made The Frighteners, a horror-comedy that was an unfortunate box office disappointment, but has gained a considerable following, much like all of Jackson's films that don't have abnormally large budgets. I've also been chastised throughout the years for not having seen it, but thanks to the usually reliable Netflix, that has changed.


There's a fairly extensive cast to be found in The Frighteners, from its obvious main draw Michael J. Fox, to horror staples like Dee Wallace Stone (Cujo, The Howling) and Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), to a few faces who would go to be more than just faces in the crowd, like Jake Busey (Starship Troopers) and Chi McBride (Boston Public, Waiting...). There are even more that I could talk about, but I'd be here all day and all night, plus it would ruin the surprise. However, I feel that something has to be said about Jeffrey Combs' performance as a psychotic, obsessed FBI agent: I know that Peter Jackson must have an affinity for Re-Animator, as I'm certain that all of us horror fans do. But my goodness, I'm not sure what the man was going for here by casting Combs...at first. When he first comes on screen, you could swear he believes he's in another film entirely, perhaps even auditioning for a Troma picture. After becoming accustomed to his presence though, he just adds to the comic insanity and overall darkly, twisted nature of the project. Nearly every time the man opens his mouth, or interacts with Fox, the guy is chewing the scenery, but I'll be damned if he isn't making you smile just a tiny bit.


Makeup is handled by the always excellent Rick Baker, known for his work on more films than you can count, though some credits include An American Werewolf in London and The Howling. His work on Frank's cohort named "The Judge," a ghost played by Gomez Addams himself (John Astin from The Addams Family), looks particularly exceptional. Jackson's Weta Digital provided the visual effects work here, and they are actually fairly impressive, especially when you consider that they were still mostly in their infancy stage at this point (three years existence). I'd honestly prefer it to a lot of other entries I've had to sit through so far (I'm looking at you The Langoliers), though I'm not sure how well something like this would translate on a high definition disc, since I know the film was released on Blu-Ray and HD DVD.


It isn't surprising to see as to why The Frighteners underperformed sadly. The poster is very vague, a clear victim of very poor marketing (it tells you literally nothing about the movie, other than "ooh, scary!"), Peter Jackson wasn't a known commodity at the time, and even though I stated his star power above, Michael J. Fox may not have had the same "it" factor at the cineplex in the 1990s as he possessed back in the mid-80s. That last part could be a load of garbage, but after Back to the Future III, can you name a wildly successful AND acclaimed MJF film made in the 90s? I like the guy, but his tenure on Spin City was the biggest thing to his name when it comes to that particular decade. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that the film seems to have a good, sizable following, and I am ecstatic that I finally got around to catching it myself. For old time's sake, I would love nothing more than for Peter Jackson to go back and give us folks who grew up on (and can still appreciate) his horror-comedies another one for the record books. Maybe I sound greedy, but with Christmas coming up soon, I can never get too old to ask.




In preparation for The Frighteners (and due to having a very odd bit of scheduling today), I decided to stick with the overall tone of fun, and catch up with two half hour programs I had DVR'd, but almost forgotten to view.

No matter my thoughts of how The Simpsons has gone from being arguably the best animated show of all time, to becoming one of the most embarrassing animated shows on television, I always attempt to catch the newest iteration of Treehouse of Horror every year. This year's opening sequence, conceived by filmmaker Guillermo del Toro, is nothing short of spectacular, and without a doubt the best thing about the episode. The homages to decades of his own work, and the numerous works of assorted Universal Pictures horror creations, was a beautiful and outstanding work. But then the segments began, and I suppose that even the famed Treehouse of Horror isn't safe from the realm of mediocrity that The Simpsons has fallen into now. Each segment ends up being (mostly) a parody of The Cat in the Hat, The Thing With Two Heads, and Freaks respectively. While I did somewhat enjoy the last segment, it was more or less due to the previous entries in the episode being just plain average. A disappointment, but my expectations weren't very high to begin with. At least those first ten seasons are still readily available for purchase.

On the flip side, Pixar's newest television special, Toy Story of Terror, was a much more entertaining and satisfying program, even if it was very strange to see the gang return after the near-perfection and conclusion that was Toy Story 3. The plot revolves around the toys' new owners getting a flat tire and them finding themselves stuck in a roadside motel for the evening, where suddenly they start disappearing at an alarmingly quick rate. There are numerous nods to old time horror films (humorously pointed out by the character Mr. Prickle Pants, who I expect will see a spike in sales after this), and the new character of Combat Carl, who just might know a way out of this whole mess, was just plain hilarious (and voiced awesomely by Carl Weathers). I was also surprised they had a slight throwback to the claustrophobia suffered by Jessie in Toy Story 2, which I had admittedly forgotten all about. I hope this is released in some sort of compilation DVD/Blu-Ray down the line, or at least is aired again soon.




Tomorrow, we've got another busy day ahead, with some underwater monster action courtesy of THE LOCH NESS HORROR and CRATER LAKER MONSTER!