Unseen Terror 2020: Days 16-18

 Ahhh sequels. Don't you just watch them?

Anyway, for reasons that I can ascribe to pure coincidence, this weekend's choices for Unseen Terror were all follow-ups to films that have been previously covered over the many years of doing this silly little blog-o-thon. One of them was a very last minute addition though, and boy oh boy do I have some stuff to say about that particular entry.

I honestly keep forgetting that there is a sequel to 1984's underrated gem known as C.H.U.D., and after sitting through the sequel that was released five years afterwards, I really wish that I could still forget it. The plot for C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud has little connection (if any) to the original picture outside of uttering the word "Chud" several times, and mostly focuses on the titular "Bud" causing hijinks and infecting as many people as he can with singular bites. Who is this man you ask? Why, he's the result of a failed military experiment who initially ends up in the hands of a trio of doofuses for ridiculous reasons. Trading in a LOT of the legitimate horror aspects from its predecessor for idiotic comedy that falls flat at pretty much every turn, C.H.U.D. II looks like a good time on paper, but the whole picture is executed in a way that just leaves you with a disappointed scowl throughout most of its running time. I'm happy to see Gerrit Graham (The Critic, Terrorvision) get more screen time no matter what the project may be, but this whole experience just, in layman's terms, really stank. Stick to the original C.H.U.D. or just google screenshots of Tricia Leigh Fisher's swimsuit if you're a sad sack of shit like I am. That + the admittedly catchy "theme song" to the flick are about the only positive things to say about it.

Did YOU know that there was a sequel to The Car? And that it came out last year? Neither did I! Well, perhaps it's for the best that we all just kind of.....not talk about this. Making C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud look like a masterpiece in comparison, I am dumbfounded by how utterly HORRENDOUS The Car: Road to Revenge actually is. The plot is a Frankenstein's creation with elements taken from The Crow, Robocop, and Shocker: a rich asshole who can't quite hide his New Zealand accent is killed by a group of rejects from The Crow: City of Angels and Queen of the Damned and his spirit manifests itself into his priced vehicle, which then sets out in search of the people who murdered him. If I see a movie worse that The Car: Road to Revenge this year (not just this SEASON), I'll be legitimately surprised. The movie is ugly as sin to look at, the cast is incredibly boring, the kills are nothing to write home about (save for one which I clipped and put on my twitter to save people the time), and worst of all, the titular car is BARELY in the flick itself. A last minute cameo from Ronny Cox (Robocop, the o.g. The Car) can't save what is ultimately a waste of time and just a pathetic excuse for a sequel that took FORTY-TWO YEARS to come out. I really don't understand how you can take a concept as simple and basic as The Car and try to make it anything that resembles The Crow of all things (and in 2019 no less). This can fuck right off of a cliff.

If you know anything about me, you know that I absolutely adore the Tremors films (well, more so the first two), but this revival that it's seen over the past few years has been less-than-stellar. I was not fully aware that the original creators at Stampede Entertainment (Nancy Roberts, Brent Maddock, S.S. Wilson, and original film director Ron Underwood) had zero involvement with the franchise once Tremors 5: Bloodlines was released back in 2015. It does explain why these newer films, while not without their charm, just don't feel quite right or at home with longtime fans such as myself. I did think that Bloodlines was a perfectly fine, if not unspectacular entry in the series, but 2018's Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell was a pile of missed opportunities and fairly unacceptable lies (promising Graboids in the snow and not delivering deserves a paddlin'). Thankfully Tremors: Shrieker Island is better than the aforementioned movies, but it isn't by a substantial amount. The story for the seventh picture in this series is a variation on Richard Connell's "The Most Dangerous Game:" an arrogant billionaire (Richard Brake of 3 from Hell) imports Graboids to a remote island where he and his hunting buddies intend to hunt them for sport. Seemingly forgetting about the very strange lifecycle that these worms partake in, they soon discover that they're up to their necks in "Shriekers," and it's up to good ol' series veteran Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) to come and help these poor suckers get out in one piece before they get torn to...well, pieces.

So we'll start off with the good aspects of Tremors 7 (hey, it's easier to type out): Michael Gross is always fun to watch. Seeing a very disheveled Burt living isolated on a island in the middle of nowhere makes for some amusing gags early on, and his interactions with the newer members of the cast are entertaining (particularly Jackie Cruz). We're also free of Jamie Kennedy's Travis, who as one character explains is "in a Mexican jail. Don't ask." I don't dislike Kennedy as a person, but I felt as though his presence and dialogue in A Cold Day in Hell really hurt the picture as whole. Then again, supporting characters in this franchise have historically been incredibly hit-or-miss once they went into the realm of straight-to-video. The newer designs of the titular Shriekers are also fairly neat, and much like recent outings in these films, they've developed their own little tricks and traits to help them stand out in this new location. Unfortunately, now we have to come to the bad and the "meh." While I have not liked either of the Rob Zombie-directed movies which garnered him more attention over the years, I still like Richard Brake as an actor. Unfortunately, his villain is one that we've seen time and time again and you never get the sense that he's much of a threat to anyone or anything. The CGI is also fairly ugly, and really reminds you of why sometimes practical is the way to go, even if the former is more time-friendly. Jon Heder's character is also a bit on the bland side, but he thankfully doesn't grate nearly as bad as prior sidekicks have. He does have an obnoxious tendency to reference Predator a bit too often though, and while I'd normally never have a problem with anything that mentions one of my favorite films of all time, it feels very tacked on. Finally there are some very important Burt-centric plot elements that just had me groaning, but I'd rather not give those away on here. Let's just say that the screenwriter must have really liked Logan.

Tremors 7 is a step up for this series compared to the two movies that preceded it, but the absence of Stampede Entertainment is hard to ignore and in the end, I don't view it as necessary viewings for anyone except for diehards like myself. It isn't terrible by any means, but it never manages to go beyond the realm of "just okay." If you're curious about where to find it, you'll have to wait a few days to buy a physical copy from places that are in no way infected with COVID-19.

Do you want to hear something amusing? I own Return of the Living Dead 3's poster design on a t-shirt obtained from one of Fright-Rags' "mystery" clearance sales. I was pretty stoked to get it, but while compiling this year's Unseen Terror list, I realized that I had never seen it from beginning to end in a VERY long time. Heck, I saw this one way before I ever watched the original film (a.k.a. the VERY FIRST entry in Unseen Terror), and that has gone on to become one of my absolute favorite horror movies. Four years ago, I covered the second picture and in retrospect I'm honestly not the biggest fan of it as a whole (though it's still baffling to see just how low of a rating it has on RT). Regardless of my thoughts on ROTLD2, I have heard from multiple sources that this motion picture, while a major bomb at the box office, was the last truly good and/or interesting flick in that franchise, and after revisiting it I'm inclined to agree.

This time around, we're focusing primarily on a young man named Curt (J. Trevor Edmond from Lord of Illusions) whose girlfriend Julie (Melinda Clarke of The O.C. fame) is accidentally killed during a motorcycle ride one evening. Initially distraught, Curt suddenly recalls seeing the results of a reanimating experiment that his father's company was working on and breaks into their base of operation. Exposing Julie to Trioxin gas (a staple of these flicks), she springs back to life, but it isn't long until she starts to exhibit signs that aren't unlike that of the undead. Return of the Living Dead 3 makes a very bold choice by abandoning much of the humor found in its prior entries and going for mostly full-on horror and most shockingly, romance. Despite Curt coming across as incredibly naïve throughout a lot of the movie's running time, you do get the feeling that he and Julie genuinely care for one another and feel bad for the both of them when she becomes more bloodthirsty and prone to violent behavior. It helps that the two leads have good chemistry with one another, which could have brought this movie down HARD had that not been the case. Clarke is also exceptional here: she does become somewhat cartoonish during certain moments but is bringing her 'A' game for a film that she could have just blown her nose at. She also sports one hell of a great look during the climax that I'm sure has been cosplayed at multiple conventions over the decades. Sadly, nobody else in ROTLD3 is anything special: Predator 2's Kent McCord plays Curt's military father and they don't really give us any time for character development between him and his son until the final ten minutes or so. There's also a ragtag group of villainous stereotypes who stalk our "heroes" that feel more like walking mincemeat than legitimate threats, but sometimes that's par for the course with the horror genre. The makeup work and gore is also a step up and fairly impressive considering it wasn't allotted the biggest budget ($2 million still isn't a great deal for something released to theaters).

Because it's late, I'm not sure I need to wax poetic on Return of the Living Dead 3 any more. Sure it has some flaws, and some people might be turned off by how very "angsty" it can be at times (someone HAS to have done some "AMVs" with this set to gothic metal bands' tunes), but I'll be damned if it isn't at least different and doing a good job to keep you entertained. Brian Yuzna (yes, of Re-Animator and Society fame) set out to inject some life-boosting Trioxin into these films, and for the most part I think he succeeded. Not a bad way to end a block of projects that I was prepared to dub "sad sequels."

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 29

As the days towards Halloween are counting down, the time in which I can watch and review new, assorted projects from throughout the final three "years" of Unseen Terror is getting smaller and smaller. With that, I am going to pump out a few quick ones today, including the 2013 entry that I was hoping would warrant a longer writeup, but just didn't do enough to warrant more than a couple of complete paragraphs. But anyways, enough with the rambling.

Ahhh, another year means another entry in The Simpsons' yearly "Treehouse of Horror" anthology. Admittedly, I skipped last year's installment (mostly due to shaky memory and a lack of time), but seeing as how disappointed I was in 2013's effort, my expectations were relatively low this time around. As I observed two years ago, the episode usually starts off with a bang. In this case, it's an animated opening from irreverent, demented oddball John Kricfalusi, whom most children of the 1990s will recognize as the creator of the brilliant The Ren & Stimpy Show. It's a thing of insane beauty, and easily the highlight of the entire experience. Rather than have you seek it out on Youtube or Dailymotion, I'll just post it below.

In terms of the actual segments, to say that the quality ranges from good to awful seems like something that is commonly heard amongst Simpsons fans these days. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, they're right on the money with this one. The first tale, "Wanted: Dead, Then Alive," revolves around the always reliable Sideshow Bob FINALLY fulfilling his wish of killing Bart Simpson, though he begins to realize that perhaps the boy's existence kept him from living a life of complacency and dullness. Therefore, he finds a way to reanimate the young man, so that he may kill him repeatedly through various means. Of the three tales, it's inarguably the most fun, mostly due to Kelsey Grammer's ability to to lift and improve any episode from mediocre to, at the very least "good."  Our second one is a takeoff on Godzilla, with portions of the story drawn in black and white, featuring some amusing nods to the absurdities and charms of the Toho behemoth's origin. Then, it takes an unexpected turn by changing into a spoof of the remake from 1998 that shares the same name. "Homerzilla" as it is dubbed, is very hit or miss, with the second half falling a little flat (the concept would've been handled much better seventeen years ago). We conclude with a Chronicle parody that, to be as nice as I can be, is really, really bad. Forget the fact that The Simpsons already did a satire of the superhero genre in a segment from long ago; the biggest problem with "Telepaths Of Glory" is that it just isn't very funny.


Overall, Treehouse Of Horror XXVI was a tossup for me. The first fifteen minutes or so (which does include half of its second story) were very enjoyable, but the rest provides glaring evidence of the show's downward spiral into below-average quality. If you can find a rip online, or have access to a cable box with On-Demand features, give it a whirl and judge it for yourself.

Well, Oculus undoubtedly has one thing going for itself: it is the first motion picture to be produced by the rightly-maligned WWE Studios that does not feature a single performer from the wrestling company that bears the similar name. The Mike Flanagan-led project is also the first for the company to have the direct involvement of scary movie juggernaut Blumhouse Productions, whose association with franchises such as Paranormal Activity, Insidious, The Purge, and Sinister have solidified them as the go-to company for newer, widely distributed horror flicks that are more accessible for squeamish ticket buyers. Yes, a good chunk of the releases on their resume have been met with derision and disdain from older fans such as myself, but I'm willing to admit that they are still capable of putting out a picture here and there, be it meant to terrify or not, that is quite entertaining (Whiplash and The Green Inferno come to mind). Plus, their track record is far more trustworthy than other associates such as Dark Castle Entertainment.


But jesus christ, when it came to Oculus, a tale about a supposedly possessed mirror that may have played a part in the death of the parents of two siblings, I could not bring myself to care at all. Perhaps I would have been invested more in the story had several things not been so distracting though. For starters, the decision to have it continuously rely upon flashbacks that parallel modern events ends up not drawing you in, but making you feel as if you are watching a two-part film instead. Every segment that features our two leads as children made me ponder if this was originally conceived as the beginning to a potential franchise, with the kids growing up and trying to stop this evil mirror after some time has passed. If this wasn't the initial plan, then maybe it should have been. Heck, look at the recently-canceled second adaptation of Stephen King's It: their idea was to have the plot split into two separate pictures, with one focusing on the protagonists in their youth and the other with them as adults. Risky as that may have sounded, something daring such as that would benefited a motion picture like this too. That brings me to my second problem with Oculus: it is relying on viewers to believe that it is unlike anything that we have seen before. True, the argument could be made that technically NOTHING coming out in the realm of horror is fully, one hundred percent unique anymore (even Martyrs and We Need To Talk About Kevin, as great as they are, have parts that are reminiscent of works from yesteryear), but there are numerous pictures that did this concept better, with Alexandre Aja's 2008 supernatural flick Mirrors being the most obvious of the bunch. Finally, for as much as I like Karen Gillan (Guardians Of The Galaxy) as a person and as an actress, she is just plain terrible here. Her performance is an awkward balance of irritation and condescendence (coupled with a very "matter of fact" manner of speaking), and I didn't see how any member of the audience would want to root for her to succeed in taking revenge on the cursed object.


Oculus didn't do anything for me other than make me check the time on my phone repeatedly, but in all honesty, even with my aforementioned disapproval, I would still be willing to give this one more try at another time. It does feature some decent makeup work, plus an ending that will stick with you through thick and thin. Do I expect to be proven wrong about the rest of my opinions within a few years? Maybe it's too soon to say so. Go watch it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and come back telling me that I was just wrong about the entire experience.

I don't believe that I've ever mentioned it before, but the first two movies in the Tremors franchise stand as some of my favorite horror-comedies of all time. They are a brilliant blend of silly, quotable comedy, old time monster movie love, and western overtones that can stand the test of time better than most other pictures released in or around the decade. Plus, in the case of the later sequels, Tremors is one of the few series that still uses practical effects and puppetry, which is an art that while seemingly archaic by today's standards, packs far more heart than anything that a computer could produce. So, when I heard that we were FINALLY receiving a new flick after an eleven year wait, I was certainly excited, though I did have some skepticism. Between 2003 and 2004, we were blessed with Tremors 4: The Legend Begins and the SciFi television show simply titled Tremors: The Series. One could argue about the quality of these particular projects (I still think that the latter was undeserving of the sheer amount of negative feedback it got, which was mostly due to taking over beloved show Farscape's time slot), but the general consensus was that the fans were left feeling a bit underwhelmed. In what had to be the scariest casting news in recent memory, Universal Pictures also unveiled Jamie Kennedy (Scream, Son Of The Mask) as the newest sidekick for gun-crazed hero Burt Gummer, more often than not portrayed wonderfully by Family Ties' Michael Gross.


Mercifully, these fears are not completely realized. Though a good chunk of the series' original creators are nowhere to be found on Tremors 5: Bloodlines, their presence can be felt throughout its brisk ninety nine minute running time. I don't need to harp on about Gross' great depiction of the lone character to make it through these five flicks and television program, but he does bring a touch of insanity that comes naturally from living in near isolation while descending into bouts of occasional paranoia. This is all the more apparent from Bloodlines' opening segment, which consists of Burt talking over stock footage from prior installments and humorously drawn animatics of the Graboids, Shriekers (which are sadly absent this time around), and Assblasters. After this, Kennedy's character Travis (who I found far less loathsome than I expected him to be), along with an unrelated businessman from South Africa, convince him to travel to the republic so that he may take care of a certain "infestation" if you will. Hey, for fun, speak or imagine that last sentence in your best Dusty Rhodes voice babeh.


The plot to Bloodlines does sound simple enough (and eerily similar to Tremors 2: Aftershocks), but for a franchise that has pretty much written itself into a corner with what one can do with its man-eating monstrosities, it still manages to provide pleasant surprises in the form of geographical differences with the creatures. Sadly, most of the familiar, bloodthirsty faces, which have been redesigned decently well for this trip out east, are inevitable victims of modern technology, which means that about a good ninety percent of Tremors 5: Bloodlines' antagonists are computer-generated. It's a damn shame, but I suppose that the decision was made to help cut costs, especially since I'm sure that shooting in the country of South Africa was not particularly cheap to do. The fact that this chapter also takes place in another part of the world made me realize something that I had never noticed in the twenty five years of Tremors' existence: there have never been any African American males or females on the big(ish) screen until now. Hooray for progress!


It may not be a complete triumph or return to form for the series, but Tremors 5: Bloodlines is an acceptable sequel that will go down as being far better than it had the right to be. It doesn't set out to change the game, or to even try and restart the entire process with a new hero at the helm, but when did Tremors ever have that intention to begin with? There is enough nostalgic nods to the prequels, goofy lines, and graboid guts to provide lots of love for the fans, even if it does feel like it was made for them and ONLY them. I say that if you can produce anything that makes Jamie Kennedy seem tolerable, you warrant a big thumbs up and deserve a round of drinks. Those of you who are purveyors of all things fun and cheesy can currently watch it on Netflix Instant Streaming, and you can buy the DVD or Blu-Ray for a relatively low price at most retail giants.



Tomorrow, I finally take the plunge and review what one of my favorite film critics, Mr. Mark Kermode, says was his absolute favorite picture of 2014. Will it be worth the hype? Or will it be overrated tripe?