Unseen Terror 2024: Spooky Title of Your Choosing (Day 31)

Well, it’s the end of the month. Time for the final batch of flicks. Hope everyone’s Halloween has been fun. Maybe next year I'll actually venture out into the world again.

I wasn’t planning on having 1984’s Don’t Open Till Christmas as the closer for 2024’s iteration of Unseen Terror, but I figured it could be a fitting note to end on considering that when the clock strikes midnight, the slumbering beast known as Mariah Carey will emerge and terrorize the world for the next couple of months. Plus, I don’t really have a strong desire to end my marathon with an Eli Roth flick like Thanksgiving. Anyways, this is the first "traditional" slasher movie that I’ve seen in recent memory to NOT take place in or come from North America. It’s a simple story of authorities pursuing a mysterious figure who’s been killing off Santa impersonators in London during Christmastime. The first thing that must be noted about Don’t Open Till Christmas is how much of a nightmare it was behind the scenes to complete and release the movie. First, its main actor/director Edmund Purdom quit after constant conflicts with producers (which led to delays and rescheduling while shooting). Afterwards, the movie’s co-writer Derek Ford was hired to take over and complete the picture…only to be relieved after two measly days on the job. After THAT, editor Ray Selfie was hired to direct, and they demanded that most of the script be rewritten by another individual. Because of the previously mentioned Purdom leaving the production, they also asked that much of the movie be re-shot. Many characters had to be recast as well due to some of the original performers being unavailable to return at the time. Eventually, Purdom came back to finish directing and complete his on-screen scenes.

 

You got all of that?

 

The result is a slasher flick that feels extremely awkward, though still admittedly entertaining. The influence from the Italian giallo scene is very noticeable in some of its color palette (very bright red blood for example) and there are some very sudden outbursts of extreme violence that feel slightly like the material seen in Pieces (both coincidentally produced by Dick Randall). That’s another hyperviolent release from the mid-80s that I’ve previously reviewed, but Pieces is a lot more competent and unapologetic for what it is. Also, Pieces wouldn’t have wasted casting genre favorite Caroline Munro (famously known for roles in Maniac, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Spy Who Loved Me, and MANY hammer horror flicks) in a two-minute-long cameo that ultimately serves no purpose other than to make her scream at the sight of a dead body. At least Munro understood the assignment given out here though; most of this cast is eerily calm about seeing horrific murders committed in front of their eyes. Hell, one of the picture’s first slayings is seeing someone get a spear shot through their head IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AT A PARTY, and only one person seems genuinely shocked or horrified. Maybe this is a British thing? Maybe I’m just being too anal about these kinds of flicks.

 

Don’t Open Till Christmas is like that person you randomly see at a bar who can’t quite hit the bullseye on the dart board, but still manages to elicit an “ah, at least you tried man” from the patrons. It’s just too clumsy to warrant a strong recommendation but compared to some of the other material I’ve viewed this month, it’s far from a complete disaster. If you aren’t in the mood to rewatch the vastly superior “holiday horror” pictures such as Christmas Evil, Silent Night, Deadly Night, or even Gremlins for the umpteenth time, then I suppose you could fire this up.

 

 

 And now we move on to…………. something else.

 

The nicest thing I can say about A Haunted House, a 2013 parody of the “found footage” genre, is that it could’ve been far worse than it is. At this point I don’t think it’s controversial to say that any of the Wayans Brothers’ best days are behind them and that post-Scary Movie, the parody genre has more-or-less become the “reference” genre. Yes, we get lucky with gems like Pop Star, Hot Fuzz, Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, and Black Dynamite from time to time, but for the most part it has become dreadful. The funniest part of A Haunted House had to do with an audio review from the now defunct spill.com (which I’ll link to right here. I'd advise starting at the 9-minute mark). I breathed a short sigh of relief when J.B. Smoove and David Koechner showed up because lord knows once I saw Nick Swardson on screen, I almost instantly knew that this movie was doomed. Hard pass on this one. I am not looking forward to Scary Movie 6.

 

To quote the immortal Cypress Hill, however, “I ain’t going out like that.” I had to end on a high note.

 

So, I re-watched Tremors. Again.

 

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a “comfort” watch. Plus, I’d rather have October end on an exciting note about giant, underground worms battling Kevin Bacon & Fred Ward than one where Marlon Wayans takes a dump on his wife’s father’s ashes.

 

Not sure what I can say about Tremors that I already haven’t said either online or in person. It’s a perfect monster movie. It’s a perfect horror-comedy. It’s the right kind of exhilaration packed with memorable characters, endlessly quotable lines, and practical effects that could put most things from modern day “monster” movies to shame. It’s….perfection.

 

Nevada.

 

 

…………………I’m not apologizing for that joke.

 

Anyways, stay tuned because I may be back in the next couple of days to talk about what the future holds for this yearly blog-o-thon thing that I do for fun.

Unseen Terror 2024: Penultimate Meddling (Day 30)

Junji Ito’s seminal work Uzumaki (which is essentially a tale of a town being cursed by supernatural spirals that drive them to do very strange and often morbid things) is one of the most respected and influential works ever published in the world of horror manga. The absurd and twisted ideas that come from within that man’s head are unlike anything you’ll ever read, and his artwork is the stuff of nightmares. Surprisingly, there haven’t been a huge number of attempts at adapting his stories to either the live-action or animation realms. There was the Tomie series of films in Japan, the animated Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack in 2012, and a prior adaptation of Uzumaki in 2000 (among others). Nearly all of them have polarized fans and critics alike, but once a high budget animated adaptation of this was announced in 2019, many people were elated (me included). There were tons of noteworthy names attached to it, including composer Colin Stetson, award-winning director Hiroshi Nagahama, and even noted animation heads Adult Swim (of whom would be directly involved with helping bring it to life). The hype was real…….and then the pandemic happened. Due to an assortment of reasons, Uzumaki wouldn’t see completion and final release until this October. While it was nice to see it finally come to fruition, I almost wish that it hadn’t. Simply put, this is one of the most colossally disappointing pieces of animation that I have EVER seen. For starters, this is only four episodes long. While I don’t have a problem with them condensing some of the story, that discovery had me raising an eyebrow. Then I looked up and saw that Nagahama was only attached as director for the first episode, with another person taking over for episodes 2 & 3 (it should be noted that there is no director listed for episode 4. Is there an “Alan Smithee” for Japan?).

 

It should be noted though that the first episode of Uzumaki is EXCELLENT. It looks beautiful (sticking with the original black and white style from the manga was a great idea), the voice acting is solid, and the whole thing flows so incredibly well. Best of all, it’s legitimately creepy and has an ending that packs a wallop. If you were to air that as a “proof of concept” show and shop it around, I know that someone would’ve picked it up immediately. Unfortunately, the good times end rather quickly, because the drop in animation quality in the rest of the miniseries is SHOCKINGLY bad. It feels static, lifeless, and worst of all lazy. If I can use a “Western” comparison, it feels akin to what happened after the first six issues of The Walking Dead comic book switched artists or when Frank Darabont left after the live-action adaptation’s first season had been completed. You don’t need to be familiar with the medium to know that something is terribly off. Worst of all, it just kind of falls apart by trying to do too much too soon. It felt disjointed and I kept checking the remote control to see how much time was left in the final episode. Saddened (and a little mad), I decided to do some digging around to see what the hell exactly happened. In layman’s terms, it sounds like not only did Covid do a number on the production team’s aspirations and schedule, but that production costs were so high after the first episode that the new management in charge (which may or may not include noted asshole and animation hater David Zaslav) didn’t have any interest in giving them the necessary budget to make anything beyond its first episode look remotely decent. Thus, we’re stuck with this. Creative director Jason Demarco even took to bluesky (aka the twitter alternative not owned by a giant manbaby nazi sympathizer who makes ugly vehicles that catch fire) to express his frustrations with everything that happened (screenshot below courtesy of one Ms. Rain Howard). And I honestly can’t say that I blame him.

 

This is such a complicated mess. As I mentioned before, the first episode of Uzumaki is a real piece of art and a masterclass on how to do Junji Ito correctly. Everything else that comes afterwards, however, is heartbreakingly bad. I’m hoping that those who put in so much hard work when this first got off the ground aren’t completely discouraged by this series’ mixed-to-negative reception and can wrestle themselves away from the likes of Warner Bros. & Zaslav and head to another studio that appreciates the artform and can give them more creative freedom and trust.

Unseen Terror 2024: Coming Down to the Wire (Day 29)

 

If there ever was a definition of a “cult” film, it would be 1983’s folk horror oddity known as Eyes of Fire. Admittedly I had never even heard of this until last year but given that this was previously unreleased on anything outside of VHS since 1987, it isn’t surprising that it sat in obscurity for anyone who didn’t live in the backroom of their local video store. That, or people who were willing to shill out an entire paycheck for a copy on eBay. Seriously folks, just wait. Eventually everything becomes available to the public for purchase (unless it’s literally a lost film like the original Korean cut of Yongarry, Monster from the Deep or Alfred Hitchcock’s The Mountain Eagle).

 

Timeline-wise, this is one of the oldest films I’ve reviewed for Unseen Terror in quite some time. Eyes of Fire takes place in 1750 during colonial times (and before the United States declared independence) and is told through the viewpoints of two young women who have been discovered by French military officers. Along with a handful of others from their settlement, they were forced to flee after the new, Christian preacher was accused of adultery. They make their way downriver to establish a new colony but find themselves on land that may harbor vengeful spirits rarely seen by man nor beast. Before I get into any further discussion about this, I have to say that we really do need to respect and treasure physical media, because I doubt that anyone save for film connoisseurs such as Arrow Video, Vinegar Syndrome, or Severin Films (the latter of whom were able to get this out on 4K Blu-Ray in 2021) would ever be able to put enough care into making something this old look at least ten years younger than it actually is. From what I understand, Severin ended up going directly to writer/director Avery Crounse for a proper print, and not only was he willing to assist, but he even provided them with the original, lengthier cut (titled Crying Blue Sky) to touch up and release as well should they like. I have to say, I’d be more than willing to watch a longer version of this picture, because I’m almost certain that the additional lost twenty-something minutes could make things a bit more coherent than what we have here. Mind you, what we get here is pretty damn great though.

 

As expected with a lot of entries in the “folk horror” genre, there is some trippy and surreal imagery found throughout Eyes of Fire, especially in its second half. There wasn’t a single time when I saw faces seemingly engraved in trees that I didn’t get a slightly weird vibe. The film as a whole is very photogenic, which makes sense when you consider that Crounse’s background was primarily in the photography field. Its slow, sometimes quiet nature almost feels like it’s out of place (in a good way!) for something released during one of the most decadent and “outrageous” decades of cinema. If you were to feature this at a showcase for obscure horror movies at your local cineplex, I think people would be genuinely surprised that this wasn’t released in the late 70s. As for the quality of the film beyond its striking visuals? Well, I’d say that the acting is mostly very solid, with the striking Karlene Crockett standing out as a mostly mute and very peculiar ally whose past could unexpectedly help shape everyone’s future. There’s also the previously mentioned preacher played by the late Dennis Lipscomb, whose foolish hopes and faith are constantly put to the test as we see him slowly descend into madness. Everyone else feels slightly underdeveloped (including a young Rob Paulsen…. yes,THAT Rob Paulsen for all of you voiceover geeks reading this), but I’d attribute that more to studio interference and forced cuttings than anything else.

 

I don’t really give out unofficial “awards” for these kinds of marathons that I do (despite some people saying that I should), but I’d say that Eyes of Fire would win for best hidden gem of this year’s Unseen Terror. I think that if you’re a fan of more renown entries in the folk horror field (i.e. The Wicker Man, The Witch, Midsommar), this is worth tracking down. It’s currently streaming on Shudder and is available to purchase on Blu-Ray from Severin Films.

Unseen Terror 2024: I Went to Italy Last Year (Days 26-28)

Did I mention that I went to (most of) Italy last year? If I did not, it’s because I’m relatively quiet on most social media sites. I swear I will upload the photos and videos from the whole trip sooner than later. Anyways, why am I mentioning this? Well, when we visited Rome, I was lucky enough to strongarm several family members into visiting “Profondo Rosso,” which is a hidden gem of a memorabilia store owned by famed Italian director Dario Argento. It’s an extremely cool place to peruse if you’re even remotely into horror, science fiction, or just popular culture that’s a bit too “odd” for most people. Plus, the basement contains a number of props from Argento’s pictures! Anyways, I just wanted to gush for a bit before we talk about a few films that I’ve never seen until this year (all of which hail from, well, Italy).

 

Inferno is a thematic and spiritual successor to Dario’s breakthrough masterpiece Suspiria, and it seems to have always been stuck in a weird spot between that flick and 1982’s impressive bloodbath known as Tenebre. It is the second installment in what the director has dubbed his “Three Mothers” trilogy (1977’s Suspiria is the first, 2007’s Mother of Tears is the third). Each one deals with a titular “mother” determined to rule the world while using powerful dark magic to eliminate anyone who would stand in their way. The plot has us following several characters, two of whom have taken interest in a strange book titled The Three Mothers, which tells of three evil sisters who would conquer all with sadness, tears, and darkness. When one of the main characters goes missing, their brother comes to New York City to investigate. That is about the easiest way to describe the plot to Inferno, because while I did find it to be an overall very enjoyable watch, it is a messier product than most of Argento’s other works from the 1970s and beyond. There is a strong insistence on killing newly introduced characters WAY too quickly (including longtime Argento collaborator Daria Nicolodi), and the final act feels a bit silly in spots. Still, much like most releases in the giallo genre, it is a beautiful film to look at and has style oozing out of every pore. There are some legitimately spooky moments throughout (in particular, an underwater swimming scene that I suspect must have been incredibly stressful to film) and some expectedly wicked and dastardly kills that while not as extravagant as those seen in the likes of Tenebre, Opera, or Deep Red, are still quite the sight to behold (cat lovers beware of one scene though). Surprisingly, longtime Argento collaborators and music composers Goblin are absent from Inferno’s soundtrack, with the director choosing noteworthy progressive rock musician Keith Emerson (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer) to compose the score. Reportedly, he wanted something different this time around so as to keep this feeling separate from Suspiria. I must admit that the bombastic and proto-symphonic metal “Mater Tenebrarum” is undeniably AWESOME, but the rest of the score is a real mixed bag or too chaotic for something that’s considerably toned down compared to this director’s other efforts.

 

It's far from Dario Argento’s best work, but despite it being a bit messy, Inferno is still a wonderfully weird 80s gem that should do quite well with fans of more supernatural-based horror flicks and with those looking to get into horror pictures from across the pond. I don’t plan on finishing the “Three Mothers” trilogy this year, but perhaps it could make the list next time. Unless we’re all dead by this time next year. That’s always a possibility.

 

 

 

 

 

When it comes to expressing my feelings on 1981’s Italian exploitation flick Cannibal Ferox (known as Make Them Die Slowly in the west), I feel as though Google Translate is the best way to sum it up: “Se ti rende felice, allora sono felice per te.” Nearly every time I’ve been recommended adding a picture from the “cannibal” subgenre of horror to my queue and/or Unseen Terror rough drafts, it usually results in massive disappointment, if not outright frustration. Occasionally I’ll discover a pleasant surprise such as Ravenous or Bone Tomahawk (though the latter’s classification is tenuous at best), but usually it matters not if your project is grimy or glossy; I just don’t vibe with them. I was hoping that perhaps in the wake of the genre’s most notorious release (the prior year’s infamous Cannibal Holocaust), rival filmmakers would have some sense of morality and try not to repeat some of the ghastly acts from years prior. I was an idiot to think such a thing would happen.

 

While a lot more straightforward than director Ruggero Deodado’s Cannibal Holocaust, writer/director Umberto Lenzi’s Cannibal Ferox is also pretty icky in its own right, but also just flatout badly made. For all of the disdain I have for Deodado’s flick, I’ll give it credit for being a better structured picture as a whole and helping to introduce the concept of “found footage” to the general public before most other movies did decades later. Ferox though? Well, its plot is significantly less interesting (a very dumb skeptic drags two friends with her to Colombia to prove that cannibalism is a myth. Things don’t go well) and it has these extremely jarring and quite frankly irritating cuts back to the states while our “heroes” are in peril on another continent. It disrupts the mood and forces you to also watch some horribly sexist and violent scenes towards women. When we’re back to Colombia, we bear witness to something that Ferox has in common with Holocaust, which is a bunch of real, on-screen animal killings. I have now seen two films with live turtle dismemberment, and that is two films too many. I know I might sound like a hypocrite considering that I am an omnivore but filming real animal mauling and killings for the sake of making your movie feel more “intense” or for “art” is scummy behavior. Hell, supporting actor Giovanni Lombardo Radice refused to participate in the killing of a wild pig on camera (with them using a double to complete the scene) and went on record expressing his disgust for even being in the flick itself. There’s also extraordinarily poor dubbing (not completely uncommon in Italian horror), but it is unbelievably bad here. If you were to take a shot for how many times someone calls a woman a “twat,” you would be dead before the halfway mark. Still, I suppose I CAN give Cannibal Ferox credit for two particularly good things: it has a shockingly good score (more pulsating and groovier than the moody, eerie one heard in Cannibal Holocaust), and the special effects & gore are solid. Still, two rights do not make up for several wrongs, and when your wrongs just feel so repugnant, I can’t fully recommend your movie to anyone other than a very niche audience. I don’t expect to be revisiting this one again unless I’m paid to.

 

 

I’ve been meaning to get more into the cinematic works of famed Italian maestro Mario Bava for quite some time. While I’ve only ever seen Black Sunday and Black Sabbath, both of those are quite grand and when I heard that his 1964 effort Blood and Black Lace is one of the earliest entries in the giallo genre (this + Bava’s prior effort The Girl Who Knew Too Much are considered to be the first two flicks in the genre as a whole), I knew I had to watch it before I leave this mortal coil. Besides, after the taste that Cannibal Ferox left in my mouth, something had to be done.

 

The plot concerns a series of brutal murders of a fashion house’s beauty models, all of whom seem to be the victim of a masked killer in search of a diary that contains unknown details and personal stories that the staff most likely don’t want revealed to the public. Mind you, that isn’t giving anything away about Blood and Black Lace’s overall story, but the picture goes into enough weird directions and feels slightly overstuffed with characters that I feel like it’s about as simple of a one that I could come up with. If I could describe this film in two simple words, it would be “visually sinister.” I’m always in amazement with what these kinds of movies back in the day could do with color palettes, as even with a more grounded and far less supernatural-based story, the contrast in visual tones makes the world in which this is set in feel otherworldly. How is it that directors from overseas manage to make you wonder how you see the color red so differently than you’ve seen in your entire life? What I’m trying to say is that Blood and Black Lace, despite being quite an old release, looks beautiful and better than a lot of bigger budget horror releases dumped into theaters by the likes of, say, Blumhouse. It’s also a decidedly nefarious flick; it obviously lacks the over-the-top imagery of future Italian horror filmmakers such as Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci, but this is still one hell of a mean movie. I felt so terrible for the actresses here, as their characters are just dealt the kind of punishment that I’m almost certain inspired future Western filmmakers in the genre and could make some 80s slashers take notes. Even in its quiet moments, Bava can instill a sense of dread in the viewer that leaves you morbidly curious for what could come about next. It’s so good that it almost makes you forget the strangely anticlimactic twist in its third act and how awkward some of the dubbing is (I’d personally love to track this down in its native language). Still, those are minor complaints about what I think is otherwise a solid movie.

 

 

If you have an appreciation for the genre and wish to expand your horizons in horror, give Blood and Black Lace a watch. There’s a reason why so many filmmakers (including Martin Scorsese!) have cited it as one of their absolute favorite pieces of cinema, with some even going so far as to pay homage to it in their own films. I don’t normally encourage this but pour yourself a glass of something classy like wine or McDonald’s Sprite and enjoy the ride. And if you find yourself in Rome, go hit up "Profondo Rosso." Tell them Ryan sent you. They don't know me, but it'll help boost my morale.

Unseen Terror 2024: Stream Wars (Days 24-25)

This isn’t exactly a mind-blowing revelation, but streaming services are everywhere these days. I’ve lost count with how many there are now, and every time that I finish typing a sentence, a new one pops up like you just spilled water on a mogwai. Whatever the case, here are three movies (and a television show) that are exclusive to their streaming homes. Of course, I’m sure you could find these via “other” means, but I digress.

 

 

Hulu’s Mr. Crocket came onto my radar recently and much like has happened before, the poster immediately caught my attention. It’s a strange, if not uneven mixture of The Ring and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood (with some elements of Wes Craven’s New Nightmare thrown in for good measure), where a children’s TV show host is kidnapping kids via a strange VHS tape that makes its way into the homes of fractured families. The biggest praise I can give to this one is that the practical effects and gore are surprisingly very good, and the opening of the film is great, with American Crime actor Elvis Nolasco delivering an amusing performance as the titular villain. As time goes by, however, the movie starts to lose steam because it can’t seem to make up its mind about what tone it wants to stick with. Does it want to be a dark horror-comedy, or a serious story about recovering from trauma and the hardships of being a single parent? The third act in particular is kind of a mess and includes a ludicrous revelation involving a supporting character that feels like an excuse to increase the body count. Still, I’m looking forward to seeing whatever writer/director Brandon Espy comes up with after the dust on this has settled. The talent is there in Mr. Crocket, but I so, so wish the consistency was as well. Maybe see if the guy is down to do a V/H/S segment sometime sooner than later!

 

Up next was Amazon’s horror-themed dessert competition show Killer Cakes. If you’re familiar with any of the more popular cooking television programs like The Great British Bake Off, then you’ll know what to expect here. It’s a miniseries where four teams of two bakers craft and serve cakes that fit the morbid themes assigned to them by host Matthew Lillard (whose status is at the point where his presence can brighten nearly any project he’s in), while hoping that judges Danielle Harris (The Wild Thornberrys, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers) and Nikk Alcaraz (a YouTuber and cookbook author who I’ll admit I had no familiarity with) will approve of the final products. Honestly, the biggest complaint I have about this was the entire show consists of two episodes. The creativity and fun that went into some of these bakes was quite charming, but I really wish we could’ve seen more. Plus, the more Matthew Lillard the merrier. Anyways, if you miss the fun weirdness of gone-too-soon gems like The Curious Creations of McConnell, this is an amusing watch. 

Unlike…..

 

 

 

Honestly…………………I don’t really feel like reviewing this one. Not because it brought any feelings to the surface that I didn’t already have. Not because it terrified me immensely (calling it a horror-comedy is pushing it). Not because I was left speechless. Not even because I held my head in my hands asking, “why did I choose this of all things to watch?” I don’t feel like discussing this one because I’ve seen a lot of people say it’s a new “comfort” watch for them and I don’t want to hurt any feelings or bum anyone out. I haven’t been an Adam Sandler fan since the early 2000s (save for his roles in the likes of Punch-Drunk Love and Uncut Gems) and I feel like his performance in Funny People was his attempt at breaking the fourth wall by speaking to the audience and saying that he really wanted to stop making dumb comedies…only to follow that up with another decade’s worth of crass, juvenile films made for audiences that really wish they could say that one slur for mentally challenged people again without getting ugly stares from people with a conscience. I’ve gotten tired of the “talk in a funny voice throughout the entire picture” schtick. I’m tired of the cliched “he’s a dumbass but gets the hottest women” trope. All that being said, I’m not in the mood to be terribly negative and ragging on modern-day “Happy Madison Productions” releases isn’t worth the effort. If you get enjoyment out of Sandler’s entire catalog and want something to watch with your preteen kids, then go right ahead and check out Hubie Halloween on Netflix. I am not part of his audience anymore, but I hope you have fun.

 

It's infinitely better than Jack and Jill or I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry though. And there is a clever gag about every female news anchor dressing like Harley Quinn.

 

 

 

In terms of who wins this unofficial contest of “best original film” among the three feature-length flicks discussed in this entry, Tubi (surprisingly) comes away as the winner. The horror-comedy Clickbait: Unfollowed is essentially what would happen if you took Squid Game or Battle Royale but made the contestants “influencer” stereotypes. You’ve got the new age girl, the crypto bro, the beauty advisor, and a few more that I won’t fully mention so as not to spoil some of the surprises. They’re invited to a nice house where they discover that they’ve been given a series of tasks where whoever comes in last, is…well, let’s just say “taken offline.” Writers/directors/co-stars Melanie Scrofano & Katherine Barrell (the former you may recognize from the awesome Ready or Not) bring just enough humanity to each of these characters to make them not completely aggravating to be around for ninety minutes, with Roberto Kyle and Ashleigh van der Hoven standing out among the cast (though everyone here is doing a solid job and clearly having fun). I do wish it had been a little gorier, but maybe that’s the sicko in me talking. Perhaps spending too much time with Terrifier 3 and In a Violent Nature corrupted me. Anyways, this is completely free to watch (as is everything on Tubi) and for a “Tubi Original,” it’s a lot of fun!

 

We’ve got less than a week’s worth of movies to watch and discuss now. Time to break out some big guns soon…………to be so eloquent, "È ora di fare un viaggio in Italia e guardare alcune cose inquietanti dei primi anni '80."

 

Unseen Terror 2024: Someone Needs Therapy (Day 23)

The fanaticism for the long running Terrifier franchise is nothing short of fascinating. Exploding in popularity primarily through word of mouth, the gruesome exploits of silent, creepy slasher villain Art the Clown has taken the horror world by storm (whether they’ve embraced it or not is a completely different story), and writer/director Damien Leone’s decision to expand what was once a relatively linear story into a full-fledged one with strong characters is unexpected and admirable. Now arriving eight years after its first full-length entry made its way into the world of modern-day horror (though if you want to count shorts, this is Art the Clown and Terrifier’s 16^th birthday), Terrifier 3 has come to, in layman’s terms, plant high explosives in your chimney. For you see, this marks the movies’ first time outside of the season of the witch and into the time that anyone who’s ever worked in retail before detests with a passion: Christmas!

 

The story picks up immediately after the events of Terrifier 2, where we saw Art (played here once again by David Howard Thornton) get his comeuppance via a satisfying sword decapitation. Turns out that despite getting your head chopped off, you can’t keep a good clown down and, well, he gets better. Now joined by an accomplice in the form of physically deformed, insane survivor Victoria Hayes (a returning Samantha Scaffidi, one of only two performers to appear in every full-length entry of the series), they enter a five-year-long hibernation. When they’re accidentally disturbed by demolition workers, Art resumes what he’s been so good at doing. This time around though, he discovers that he’s woken up during a different holiday, which leads to him grabbing a Santa suit and committing more horrible acts (but now with some X-mas themed flair). Elsewhere, Terrifier 2’s survivors Sienna and Jonathan Shaw are trying to move on with their lives, though the former has been released from a mental health center and is wrecked with survivor’s guilt, while the latter is trying to settle into a life of normalcy at college. It doesn’t take terribly long for the two to discover that perhaps their greatest nightmare has returned, and they attempt to concoct a way to finish him off for good.

 

Let’s get the biggest positive of Terrifier 3 out of the way right now: it is shorter than its predecessor and flows much better than prior installments (though we’re still subjected to some scene lingering here and there). I think this shows Leone’s growth as a filmmaker and understanding the audience a little more. While we’re more than satisfied watching the extravagant and expertly shot murder sequences of these flicks, it’s like watching a “death match” in professional wrestling. There’s a good chunk of people who love the sheer insanity and audacity of it all, but we need a breather from time to time. Speaking of those slayings, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the deaths in Terrifier 3 are chaotically, unapologetically gruesome. For every time that I thought to myself “I don’t think you can top the ‘bedroom’ centerpiece from the second film,” Leone and his crew manage to prove you wrong. If you have any suspicions that Art may have lines he doesn’t cross, then I’d like to point you to a sequence that takes place inside of a mall. Understandably, the movie’s most infamous moment (and what will likely nab it several awards at niche horror-themed ceremonies from the likes of Dead Meat and Fangoria) is a double kill involving a chainsaw that would make fans of 1980s cult favorites such as Pieces very proud and the creators of violent video game series Mortal Kombat blush (side note: NetherRealm Studios, put Art the Clown in your newest game as DLC and watch your sales skyrocket). Simply put, the movie’s kills are like putting Mortician lyrics from pen to screen. In what is perhaps the most pleasant surprise, Terrifier 3 is also a lot funnier than its predecessors. These films were never joyless slogs, but actor David Howard Thornton is really getting a chance to showcase his comedic chops via great body language and little mannerisms that briefly defuse the horrors of what you’re seeing on screen. It’s similar to what we’d see in some of the later-day Elm Street sequels, but with a villain who never utters a single word to the audience.

 

Perhaps the greatest triumph of the Terrifier series above all else though has been the rise of our now recurring heroine Sienna Shaw (played wonderfully by a returning Lauren LaVera). She has emerged from the events of the prior flick with plenty of mental and physical scars, but much like the strongest of horror protagonists (or hell, just film in general), they haven’t weakened her and have made her more alert than ever. It’s akin to seeing the growth of classic horror heroines such as Ellen Ripley or Nancy Thompson, and her performances are the anchor to this gorefest of a franchise. Without going into any spoilers, it’s going to be very interesting to see where her character goes after the events of Terrifier 3, but as long as LaVera and Leone continue to work together, I’m all here for it. Put her in the ‘S’ tier of all-time best “final girls.”

 

At this point in its lifecycle, the Terrifier franchise, for better or for worse, is here to stay and is a testament that you don’t need an astronomically high budget to shock or disturb audiences. They’re very much like that local restaurant that you’ve dubbed “the best *insert food item* in town.” While that statement is a debatable one amongst you and your colleagues, it’s still a very satisfying meal for what they charge. It’s blood-soaked comfort food, and regardless of whether this kind of stuff is your jam or not, I think it’s incredible to see an unrated motion picture top the box office (and to dethrone the highly anticipated Joker: Folie a Deux with relative ease). It’s neat to see things shaken up sometimes. That, and it’s a great big middle finger to that anti-union, “anti-woke” jackass Todd Phillips. If you’ve got the stomach and want a splatterific way to kill two hours, come on down to the clown café again.

Unseen Terror 2024: Generic Serial-Related Pun (Days 19-22)

Movies huh? Anyways, I’d say that if there was any connecting theme between the four films today it would be “notoriety.” I’m basing that off pulling that out of my ass at the last minute because I’ve had bad writer’s block. Anyways, let’s move on.

 

(poster by Thomas Walker)

In terms of longevity, few films have been on the “queue” for Unseen Terror longer than Michael Mann’s Manhunter. I have no legitimate excuse for why it took so long to finally watch it until 2024. Maybe laziness? I mean hell, how did I choose watching every single Hellraiser and Children of the Corn sequel over watching the on-screen debut of infamous fictional serial killer Hannibal Lector? Manhunter stars William Petersen as retired FBI criminal profiler Will Graham, who is dragged out of retirement to assist in the arresting of a new serial killer nicknamed “The Tooth Fairy.” Still mentally scarred following his last case and encounter with a killer (in this case, Brian Cox’s Hannibal Lector), he must confront demons from his past to track down this new, enigmatic force. I’ll admit that it was somewhat difficult to NOT compare this older adaptation of Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon novel to the one that came out in 2002, because in terms of accuracy and faithfulness to the source material, that picture leaves in parts from the book that are absent here. That being said, I’d argue that between the two pieces of film, this is the more stylistically captivating (its use of strong color cues and tinted sceneries are otherworldly), and it’s a more well-made flick in general. The performances from everyone (Petersen and Cox in particular) are triumphant, and with the way that Michael Mann shoots it you feel like you’re just stuck inside some semblance of what once was a more “normal” world. The score of Manhunter is one of its strongest aspects too; Michel Rubini’s sounds are synth-heavy, making the picture feel dated in a good way. Not much can replicate it.

 

Manhunter is a tremendous and superbly underrated flick that I regret not watching sooner. I suspect that there is much more to analyze and take in upon repeated viewings too, which I’ll be more than happy to do over the next few years. It’s currently streaming on Amazon Prime, but if you lack access to that, there are several methods in which you can gain a physical copy of the flick itself.

 

 

I was slightly mistaken when glancing at the poster for 1988’s Jack’s Back, as I was under the impression this would be more like a horror film than what it really turned out to be: a mystery flick with James Spader somehow NOT playing a villain. Hey, I can’t help that I’ve become accustomed to seeing him play a slimeball throughout most of my picture-viewing life. I sure hope he’s a nice fella in real life. The movie stars Spader as one of several people seeking the identity of a person who has begun committing murders on the 100^th anniversary of Jack the Ripper’s first slayings. Without giving too much away, this movie’s biggest twist occurs VERY early on, which while surprising, has been spoiled by nearly every media outlet or movie aggregator (Letterboxd is guilty of this too). I do wish it was a little more “thrilling” or even scary, but there are some moments of intensity and shots of gore that almost made me forget that this is from the same director who’d go on to direct cult favorite Road House a year after this hit cinemas. Overall, it’s a breezy watch, and Spader’s utter weirdness (even as a normal person) and eternal charming nature helps elevate it to the “pretty good” pile.

 

 

 

…. what? Marvel/20^th Century Fox advertised their final X-Men-related piece (or did they? Hyuk Hyuk) as their first foray into the world of horror, so I’m going to say this counts for the list. Besides, I’ve already seen Brightburn, and I’m not in a hurry to revisit that. Anyways, considering the notorious amount of reshoots, delays, edits, and general hell that The New Mutants went through, it’s a miracle that this turned out to be watchable AT ALL. The movie is centered around a group of young mutants (a.k.a. a human that possesses a genetic trait which usually manifests into powers) being held in a secret facility and spending most of their time brooding, squabbling, and acting like less fun versions of the kids from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Something weird comes up and they discover that they’re being held captive to be turned into weapons instead of heroes, and someone seems to be manifesting their darkest fears into reality. As far as characters go, this is a real mixed bag. The cast is full of talented performers like Maisie Williams (Game of Thrones), Charlie Heaton (Stranger Things), and Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch, Furiosa), but most of the time they’re either trying a bit too hard with tacked-on bad accents (seriously guys, Illyana/Magik is Russian, but she doesn’t talk or act like a racist Yakov Smirnoff) or just saddled with very predictable dialogue. Even if you aren’t a comics purist or X-Men devotee, you can still sense that something doesn’t feel quite right. But how does it fare as a horror film? Well….it has a giant CGI spirit bear that violently mauls some people, and the cast find themselves being terrorized by things called “The Smiling Men,” who look like rejected creature designs from Silent Hill. Also, Maisie Williams can kinda-sorta turn into a Werewolf at will. Sooooooo, there’s that.

 

Honestly, it sounds like I’m being a real cynic but considering that this followed the trainwrecks that were X-Men: Apocalypse and The Dark Phoenix, this is a masterpiece in comparison to those two. I didn’t find myself upset watching this one (though I was occasionally bored), and I’m glad I can finally say that I’ve watched “Marvel’s first horror movie” (the amount of disrespect to Blade by the way…some motherfuckers I swear), but it’s ultimately a big collective shrug.

 

 

 

Seeing as how all the Disney+ Simpsons shorts are the worst thing since the last worst thing ever, I’d rather not talk about this one and just move on. Half a star for Kelsey as Sideshow Bob because I’m a stupid mark.

 

 

The story of Woman of the Hour is perhaps the most “notorious” of the ones I’m reviewing today, and that’s because it’s based on a very real, very odd moment in television that a large chunk of people could have faint memories of; during an episode of old television staple The Dating Game (for you youngins’, imagine a sillier predecessor to Love is Blind), the featured bachelorette unknowingly picked a date with a man who was secretly a serial killer (played by Daniel Zovatto). It also marks the directorial debut of established actress Anna Kendrick, who also stars as an aspiring actress who is coaxed onto the show by her agent because they assume it will lead to television exposure and future projects. There is some loose playing with history here for the sake of crafting a more taut and tense picture, but for the most part it works very well. Zovatto can switch between surprisingly charming and terrifying at the drop of a hat, and I sure hope the guy gets a chance to be cast in some bigger projects. I’d say that the overall message of Woman of the Hour is to please believe women when they say that something seems very “off” about an individual, as you never know how long their creepy tendencies have been prominent and (in this case) how large their body count may be. It’s on Netflix and worth an evening viewing. I’d be very happy to see Anna Kendrick direct a full-fledged horror movie sooner than later now.