Unseen Terror 2024: King of the Castle Rock (Days 16 & 17)

 

Riding the Bullet is based on one of Stephen King’s lesser-known works, and it was released as the author’s first “online only” publication, available exclusively as an e-book for the low price of $2.50. Thankfully those who don’t wish to stare at a bright screen all day were able to read the novel in a full two years when it was included in his “Everything’s Eventual” collection. It’s one of two stories featured in that release that made its way to the big screen (the other being 2007’s 1408, which I think I’ve seen?). The story is set in the late 60s with a young man (Jonathan Jackson of soap opera mainstay General Hospital) hitchhiking his way to a hospital to see his dying mother, only to be picked up by an eccentric, almost otherworldly figure (David Arquette of Scream fame and former WCW world champion). For most of its running time, Riding the Bullet is edited in such a way that it legitimately started giving me a headache. The amount of cutaway and/or flashback sequences makes you wonder if you’ve accidentally been sucked into a Seth MacFarlane program. I’m also starting to realize that despite my respect for director Mick Garris and his appreciation for horror history and the art of the genre itself, he has a WILDLY inconsistent body of work (at least when he’s sitting in the big chair). I appreciate the little nod to Christine though with the appearances of the infamous Plymouth Fury car. I don’t believe that was present in the source material, but it’s still a cute wink to the audience. It takes about 50 minutes for the flick to get remotely interesting, but that’s only because we finally to get see Arquette pop up as our real antagonist. His wonderfully weird performance alone makes me want to put this into the “tossup” category, because prior to his introduction, it’s just a very mediocre flick.

 

At the end of the day, that’s what Riding the Bullet is: an average, if not slightly dull Stephen King adaptation of a book that nobody seems to talk about anymore. It’s miles ahead of efforts such as Dreamcatcher or The Langoliers, but it’s nowhere near as solid as previously reviewed entries like Gerald’s Game or The Dead Zone. If you’ve got ninety minutes to kill, you could find worse ways to spend your time.

 

Alright, let’s wrap up this round of Stephen King works with…..oh no.

 

 

I’m never going to escape this franchise, am I?

 

If you recall, for last year’s Unseen Terror marathon, I delved into the world of “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” (a.k.a. the Children of the Corn series). In layman’s terms, I truly believe it is the very worst horror movie franchise out there, and that’s because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single good film during its 40-year-long run (The Final Sacrifice is dumb fun, but that’s a faint compliment). I managed to avoid the 2009 “SyFy Channel premiere” remake from 2009 because it seemed almost impossible to find unless you had a region-free Blu-Ray player and an exorbitant amount of money to spend. Crisis (temporarily) averted. Unfortunately, I discovered that some poor soul made the mistake of uploading this to YouTube of all places less than a year ago, so I guess I MUST finally finish this franchise before it finishes me.

 

You should know the basis for Children of the Corn at this point, so I’m not going over the synopsis again. I will say that from a storyline standpoint, this is the most faithful to Stephen King’s original short story (save for Disciples of the Crow from 1983, but that’s considered a short film). That, however, is also its biggest weakness because oh dear lord these are THE most unlikeable protagonists I’ve seen in this entire franchise. When this young couple aren’t spending time bickering with one another, they’re constantly reminding the audience that the husband used to be in the marines or they’re even smacking the wife. While I’m not a screenwriter, I don’t think the series has ever set out to make you root more for the evil kids than anyone intended to be a hero. This is incompetence at its very finest. It doesn’t help that the lead performers (David Anders of iZombie fame and Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica) just don’t seem to vibe well with each other. Did I mention the NAGGING and bickering by the way? Yeah? Well, that’s too bad because it drags this movie down into a hole that it can’t get out of. Also, making fun of someone for serving in Vietnam and likely having PTSD is just fucking gross, especially when the person doing the bullying is supposed to be someone you’re rooting for. There’s also a really mortifying scene involving the members of the congregation watching teenagers fornicate in front of everyone. How classy, how necessary. Ick.

 

2009’s Corn remake sports a sepia tone all throughout its running time that is intended to make this feel creepy, but just makes it look cheap and gaudy. Speaking of “creepy,” I almost miss the over-the-top performances of the original film’s Isaac and Malakai because the new cast of youngins’ just aren’t very good. I hate criticizing the acting of kids, but I feel like everyone looks either disinterested or is just so flat. It’s like the entire cast took their classes from the same guy from the “Shooter’s gonna choke” scene in Happy Gilmore. There’s a cheap bit of nostalgia bait by playing snippets of the original film’s theme, but all it’ll make the audience want to do is revisit that picture instead. I mean, that original film is awful too, but at least it’s memorable.

 

It's very rare for me to genuinely hate a movie when I watch it for this marathon, but I LOATHED nearly every second of 2009’s Children of the Corn. For all the annoyance and anger that came to the surface, there was a moment of respite seeing the annoying wife get blown up in a car (though her corpse is shown later to be in fairly decent-looking condition after she’s crucified on corn stalks). Other than that? It’s pure torture from beginning to end. Fuck this movie, fuck this franchise, fuck the people involved (seriously, how did Vamp screenwriter Donald P. Borchers find himself writing and directing this?), and fuck YouTube for not taking it down immediately. But on the plus side? I’m done with it all now. There are no more movies to watch. No more in development (that I know of). Stephen King has yet to revisit the fictional town of Gatlin, Nebraska. It’s over.

 

Finally.

 

I’m free.

Unseen Terror 2024: I'd Like to Stop Coughing Please (Days 12-15)

I’m still sick. I’m so tired of dry coughing (with the occasional bit o’ mucus). That type of stuff tends to suck your energy out. Anyways, let’s get these over with.

 

When assembling this year’s list, adding 2024’s Imaginary was more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. It’s reportedly maintained a firm position on many fans’ “worst of 2024” lists, even though we still have 2.5 months left in the year. After sitting through it myself, I can absolutely see why. The movie centers around a women returning to a childhood home  and her stepdaughter forms a bond with a stuffed bear named “Chauncey” that she finds in the house, and it becomes her close imaginary friend. Shockingly, things don’t go well, and it turns out maybe there’s some nefarious stuff going on with and/or around the bear. Imaginary is a Blumhouse “FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY” movie (only this came out in March instead). The dialogue feels like something out of a first draft script, and nobody bothered to tweak anything to make it remotely scary or create any likeable characters (side note: stop writing kids as idiots in horror movies. Save that for when they become delirious teenagers, because it’s slightly more realistic). There is a twist around the midway point that had me groaning through my coughing (along with perhaps the most hilariously stupid line ever uttered by a fictional child therapist) and turned it from a poor man’s Child’s Play rip-off to a poor man’s “every supernatural-based movie” rip-off. The worst sin of them all is that the whole experience is shockingly boring, but given writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s track record, perhaps my faith was misguided.

 

I just want to end that mini-review by stating that I don’t hate Blumhouse Productions at all. When they manage to hit a home run, it’s goddamn great. But when they misfire? Well, it’s uuuuuugggglllyyy. I would like an explanation as to why they chose to have this released to theaters, but previously chose to dump another one of their flicks (the more audience-friendly and joyous Totally Killer) straight-to-streaming instead. Come on guys, what are we doing here?

 

 

Spirit Halloween: The Movie is exactly what I thought it would be: preteens trapped inside of a haunted retail store that basically serves as a gigantic advertisement for the seasonal store chain that seems to pop up in the darnedest places every September. Look, I’m definitely not the target audience for this, but I suppose that if you have young kids who refuse to watch any other “family friendly” horror films pre-2000 (which c’mon, at least try Hocus Pocus or even The Monster Squad if you’re feeling gutsy), then you could throw this on. Otherwise, you’re better off just walking into an actual Spirit store and exploring the products yourself. Very cheeky (if not kind of sad) that this “kids stuck in a haunted house” take is filmed inside of what appeared to be a defunct Toys R Us though. Also, Christopher Lloyd is here. Good to see him still working after the catastrophic picture that was Foodfight!

 

I was a little surprised (and disappointed) to find that 2013’s horror anthology All Hallows Eve is mostly just repurposed and reused footage from director Damien Leone’s shorts that originally introduced modern day slasher Art the Clown to the world of mainstream horror. I also didn’t realize that Art was never portrayed by the same performer for every on-screen appearance he’s had. From what I understand, the original actor Mike Giannelli just wasn’t a fan of the lengthy makeup process that it takes to create the villain, so he chose not to return and has essentially all but retired from acting (though reportedly remains on good terms with Leone & co.). Anyways, the story focuses on a babysitter and two kids who have returned from trick-or-treating with an unmarked VHS tape in their bag. The babysitter puts it on, and we’re subjected to three stories (all of which involve Art the Clown in some way). The first segment is a nonsensical mess that includes a woman being sexually assaulted by a person in a bad-looking Satan costume and another one having their unborn child cut out of their stomach by witches. Sounds nastier than it is, but it’s mostly clunky. The second is a home invasion story with a new homeowner being terrorized by an alien that likely got its entire wardrobe from Party City. The third (and arguably the best) of the segments is the closest one you’re going to get to an actual Terrifier story because it literally IS the original Terrifier short from 2011. It has some nice gore and makeup, but that’s about it. This short’s version of Art seems to be more of an incel too. The whole flick wraps up with a cute “fourth wall break” of a finale, but I’d say that this is only for Leone and/or Art completists.

 

Day 15’s film is technically cheating but considering that you can log the entire shebang on letterboxd (and it ultimately amounts to around 85-90 minutes), I’m throwing it on here anyway. Plus, any chance that I get to finally track down something that eluded me as a teenager is always a pleasure. 1999’s Pet Shop of Horrors is a 4-episode adaptation of the cult favorite manga from the mid-1990s.  It’s specifically what is classified as a “Josei” manga, which essentially means its target audience is adult women (though not exclusively). The stories tend to be a bit more mature, with romance and even horror taking a nice seat up front. Enter Pet Shop of Horrors, a horror anthology that I became aware of upon its initial release date in the U.S. but was never able to obtain for assorted reasons. (a.k.a. I didn’t have enough friends at the time who were also into horror). It’s an anthology story focusing on an eccentric proprietor named “Count D,” and his strange pet shop located in Chinatown, California. Sure, the stylish and soft-spoken D sells your normal birds, cats, and dogs, but for anyone with more “pressing needs” who desires an animal, there are special exceptions. Some of these pets may even appear human, but any interested parties MUST follow the very strict rules applied to said acquisitions. After all, if any are broken, the shop and its owner are not responsible for what happens. The stories range from deranged to tragic, and every episode has involvement by esteemed veterans in the anime field (Ninja Scroll creator Yoshiaki Kawajiri does the storyboard for standout segment “Despair”). Though there is some bloodshed here and there, there’s no over-the-top gore or anything of that nature. It’s just a lot of supernatural weirdness coated with sins and desires. It’s like Tales from the Crypt with a dash of The Twilight Zone and “hosted” by an androgynous shop owner with a sweet tooth for human curiosities (and chocolate!). There’s a fun overlapping story with a cop named Leon who’s been paying close attention to all the strange deaths across the city and his relationship with Count D almost recalls something from the likes of Thomas Harris novels (though in that case we know Harris’ antagonists are killers, whereas D is just…well, a person who sells animals). I haven’t read the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, but I’m quite curious to see how this would have developed over time.

 

If you have an open mind and a taste for horror anime, go watch this however you can. Be forewarned though: the dub for PSoH is TERRIBLE. I’ve defended the usage of dubbing when it comes to anime, but the misunderstanding of this source material means that we get a lot of oafish and loud deliveries, and it changes the eerie nature of the whole thing into something resembling a ‘B’ movie. Just baffling. Maybe just shill out a few bucks for the dual-language DVD or Blu-Ray instead. Or, if we're lucky enough, perhaps we'll see a new, updated remake like we've seen for old anime/manga like Ranma 1/2.

Unseen Terror 2024: Quack You Ryhan (Day 11)

It dawned on me while assembling this year’s marathon that for the day when I grew one year older, I had nearly run out of film choices to watch from 1985. I’ve covered nearly all the heavy hitters (most of which I adore). Hell, I could have just cheated and listed off my favorite “Treehouse of Horror” episodes instead, but that would require more time than I expected. So, I decided to go back to the well of a country whose contributions to scary cinema rarely disappoint me: Italy! Specifically, I wanted to watch something that had been in my queue for several years and that would make me squirm a bit. Thankfully Lucio Fulci’s 1982 cult favorite giallo The New York Ripper (originally titled Lo squartatore di New York) was there to welcome me with bloody arms.

 

The plot is your basic “detective looking for a serial killer” trope, but what helps separate this one from the pack is just the all-around weirdness, ugliness, and brutality of it all. When your movie opens with a man playing fetch with his golden retriever, only for his dog to ignorantly bring back a decomposing, severed hand, you know that this isn’t going to be a simple procedural or anything you’d see on CBS evenings. For starters, this movie is super sleazy and grimy. Admittedly, I haven’t been to New York City in more than twenty years, but this movie dives into the darker and more “sensuous” side of the big apple that I’m sure some people reading this may not want to admit exists. There ain’t no Broadway Musical highlighting, but apparently in the world of The New York Ripper, you can attend live sex shows. So, there’s that! The violence is also unrepentantly BRUTAL (as is usually the case with Fulci), with our titular killer brandishing only a switchblade and straight-razors. If you know anything about Lucio Fulci (whose other works include bangers such as The Beyond, Zombie, and City of the Living Dead just to name a few), then you know there is also bound to be some eyeball violence thrown into the mix too, so brace yourself for that. There's also a memorable sequence involving a broken bottle that can be best described as "something you don't see every day."

But while the slayings seen on screen will certainly stick in your mind for a very long time, it’s the very odd (if not slightly jarring) decision to have our titular slasher constantly quacking at their victims while harassing and ultimately eviscerating them. I couldn’t fully tell if that was meant to be genuinely intimidating or if it was meant to be a parody, but I suppose that if you put yourself in the shoes of the people being stalked, it can be a bit disorienting? Even after laying out my rough draft for this, I can’t fully tell whether to put this into my list of “positives” or “negatives,” because it is just so peculiar. One genuine complaint I DO have though is that while the film does manage to do a surprisingly good job at keeping you guessing as to who the killer is (even after a moment that makes it seem SUPER obvious), there is a twist in its final act that comes in from out of NOWHERE that had me audibly asking why that needed to be there. It just kind of blindsides you with unnecessary exposition.

 

 

Lucio Fulci is an “acquired” taste, and The New York Ripper isn’t really an exception to that. It’s gratuitous, mean, and unsavory. I also think you could make an argument that it’s slightly misogynistic too unfortunately (his other contemporaries like Dario Argento tended to write stronger female characters). Still, flaws and all, I really had a ball with this one. If you have the stomach for it and want a nice heap of some blood-soaked cheese, throw this into your queue. As of the time of this review, it’s currently available to stream on Shudder and Tubi!

Unseen Terror 2024: Online Heebie Jeebies (Days 8-10)

You’ll have to forgive me for getting this batch of films out so late. I suspect that after my trashing of the last “Treehouse of Horror” segment, someone from Fox may have placed a curse on me because I’ve been quite sick over the past few days. Anyways, let’s get this out of the way. The theme over these last 72 hours has been one fear that I’m sure will never fully dissipate: the fear of the internet. What good comes from the world wide web also brings about some heinous stuff. For every compilation of cute cat videos or “bad lip readings” you’ll find, you stumble upon people spewing forth evil and dangerous viewpoints and worshipping the most depraved people on the planet. Of course, there’s also the vile cesspool that is social media, but that’s almost too easy of a target these days.

 

Anyways, this trio of films are all centered around dangerous discoveries found throughout places such as chatrooms and websites that your browser should know better than to let you navigate.

 

 

1998’s Strangeland is a pet project of Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider (and inspired by a song from their breakthrough album “Stay Hungry”). It centers around a detective searching for a man nicknamed “Captain Howdy,” who lures people into a world of extreme body modification and torture through the power of chatrooms (remember those?). As you could no doubt guess, Snider himself plays Captain Howdy, and he is certainly doing what he can to make this as memorable of a performance as possible. I’m not sure it fully works in the way that he wants considering that a lot of the dialogue is super silly, with Howdy speaking like he’s been lifted out of the wing at Arkham Asylum for “Overly Dramatic Villains.”  Weirdly enough, there’s also a part in the middle of Strangeland where our villain gets rehabilitated, but quickly turns back to his old lifestyle. I’m sure that this was supposed to be a commentary on the idea that society just can’t forgive and forget what someone has done in the past so easily (or maybe so that they could cast Robert Englund as the leader of an angry mob who wishes to exact justice of their own. Ha!), but it felt like wasted film reel.

My criticisms aside, I didn’t really hate Strangeland at all. Yes, it is a “passion” project (which can be very hit or miss) and Snider’s character does look like he’d fit in more on an episode of “Ink Master” than a world that’s trying to ape the likes of Hellraiser or Se7en, but it’s never boring and I thought the look of the film overall wasn’t too shabby. It also breezes by at a relatively good pace. Ultimately a tossup for me, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was perfectly adequate. Plus, Howdy’s world seems to be less toxic than Twitter these days!

 

 

You’re going to have to bear with me here. This particular review may contain some very harsh language because this was the first movie for this year’s Unseen Terror to truly make me angry. Then again, considering that FeardotCom currently sits at a whopping 3% on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes and is one of only a handful of pictures (regardless of genre) to receive an overall score of ‘F’ on Cinemascore, I should have seen this coming and braced for a truly wretched piece of shit.

 

There are two good things about FeardotCom: the ten-or-so seconds of hearing Rammstein’s “Sonne” during a kidnapping scene, and that it will inspire you to re-watch one of the many films it’s attempting to ape to help you forget about what you’ve just watched here. As for the plot itself? Well, an NYPD detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of strange murders that may or may not be connected to a website called “feardotcom…. dotcom.” And no, that is NOT a typo. From what I understand, the producers initially wanted to call the website in the film “fear dot com,” but didn’t realize that there was already a website using that name. The original owners refused to sell the rights to the website, and so the flick’s spooky website’s url was changed to “feardotcomdotcom.” Idiots. Fucking idiots.

 

The mistake of not diving deeper into the trademarking of the website in the picture itself is the least of this excrement resembling a movie’s worries though. For starters, they have the AUDACITY to waste esteemed and beloved character actors such as Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, From Beyond) and Udo Kier (Shadow of the Vampire, Suspiria) by giving them fuck-all to do. Hell, the latter is basically relegated to a glorified cameo by appearing in its opening three minutes and then dying. I’d also say that they waste Stephen Dorff (Blade, The Gate), but seeing as how he’d go on the star in all-time turd Alone in the Dark several years later, maybe this isn’t so bad for him after all. It’s also lacking in anything resembling originality or real tension. It acts as an ugly, dumbed down hybrid of Videodrome, Se7en, and assorted ‘J’ horror pictures. There’s also some awful ADR in its final act, which considering that it cost $40 million to make, is just baffling.

I know that there have been a lot of “revisionist” pieces for late 90s/early 00’s horror films over the past several years. Films that were unfairly maligned have been rediscovered or reappraised by younger generations or those who are not afraid to defend their favorites (even with noticeable flaws). Heck, sometimes I agree with those! I’ll wait with crossed arms and gritted teeth to see who comes out of the woodworks to defend such a goddamn awful film like FeardotCom though. You better have a compelling argument, because this immediately entered the conversation for worst films I’ve ever watched over the course of doing this marathon.

 

 

 

 

Before you say “hey, this is more psychological thriller than horror,” I want to say that it’s my marathon and I’ll do what I want to do. Plus, those two are best friends whether you realize it or not.

 

How it took me this long to watch 2005’s infamous Hard Candy I have no idea. This was one of THE movies to “make” both Elliot (billed here as “Ellen”) Page and Patrick Wilson. The story is a pretty simple one: Page plays a teenager who meets the significantly older Wilson via an online chat, and they set a time to finally meet in person. After some more small talk and exchanging of interests, they go back to his house, where Page’s character drugs, traps, and tortures him on the grounds that he is strongly/rightfully suspected of being a child predator. After sitting through two mixed bags of the exaggerated notion of “the internet is scary,” this one finally seemed to get something right and packed genuine tension. Page’s character of Hayley is the ultimate spirit of vengeance, and Wilson’s Jeff almost inspires sympathy as time goes by (until you remember that he’s, well, a pederast and potentially even worse). For ninety percent of Hard Candy’s running time, it’s just the two of them (save for a cameo from Sandra Oh of Grey’s Anatomy and Killing Eve fame) fucking with one another. You’re locked inside of their twisted world and it’s fascinating. It’s a treat. Sometimes I love watching movies with casts that are so small you could count the number of featured performers seen in them on one hand. Tragically, while I was writing this review, I discovered that Page was assaulted himself after the wrap party for Hard Candy, which makes watching his equally more uncomfortable, but God I can only hope that the member of the production crew who did it gets what’s coming to them sooner than later.

 

Not sure what else I can add to this review (that and I want to get some rest). It’s on Tubi and I believe Amazon Prime as well. It’s a well-respected film and a great “revenge” flick. Check it out!

Unseen Terror 2024: Something Something Shudder (Days 5-7)

Writer’s block sucks. Sorry folks. Anyways, let’s get these bad boys out of the way. Apologies if these may seem somewhat short, but I’ve been in a terrible place mentally these past few days and was dangerously close to stopping this for good. Ironic since The Substance reinvigorated my interest in keeping this silly concept alive. For this entry, we’ve got a Shudder-tastic bunch courtesy of……well, streaming service Shudder. Sometimes I can’t come up with clever puns.

 

I’ve had a pretty hit-or-miss history with the (surprisingly) long-running “found footage” V/H/S series. For every segment that hits the mark like a prime Will Ospreay, they have one that misses like vintage David Flair. It’s very rare to find any entry in this franchise that is consistent the whole way throughout their running time. Thankfully 2024’s V/H/S/Beyond may very well have solved that issue, as I feel that there isn’t a single story in here that would qualify as a “stinker” (the wraparound story by documentary filmmaker Jay Cheel is arguably the weakest of these, but still presents itself as being compelling nonetheless) and the “tapes” here seem to have a bit of Science Fiction flair this time around. If I had to rank the segments, I would say that the fourth short titled “Fur Babies” (written and directed by Christian and Justin Long…yes, THAT Justin Long) was the one that stood out to me the most, as its twisted sense of humor and often unsettling machinations (slight spoilers: time spent on the set of Tusk must’ve warped Justin’s brain) presented in the second half were enough to stay in my mind for the rest of the year. Behind that would be the very first story titled “Stork,” a search-and-destroy tale which is written by Jordan Downey & Kevin Stewart (with Downey serving as director). I’m pretty blown away by seeing the growth of those two in particular, seeing as how they gave me one of my least favorite horror pictures in the form of Thankskilling, but afterwards delivered the EXCELLENT The Head Hunter and superb fan film Critters: Bounty Hunter (a.k.a the best thing in that franchise in nearly 35 years). Behind those would be Ben Turner & Justin Martinez’s frenetic skydiving-gone-awry story (the cleverly titled “Live and Let Dive”), Virat Pal and Evan Dickson’s “Dream Girl” (where amateur paparazzi discover more about a pop star in Mumbai than they ever wanted to find out), and Kate Siegel’s extraterrestrial-based “Stowaway,” which is written by her husband Mike Flanagan (Doctor Sleep, Gerald’s Game, and SO many more solid projects). Side note: I had no idea Siegel was from Silver Spring, MD (where I spent half of my years growing up) and grew up in Rockville (where I currently reside). Small world.

 

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by V/H/S/Beyond. The consistency never really drops, and it highlights some extremely promising filmmakers. Even as someone who is pretty burned out on the “found footage” genre, I’ll almost always check these out until they decide to stop making them.

 

 

 

 

It occurred to me while perusing older reviews on the blog that I apparently missed last year’s annual “Treehouse of Horror” episode from The Simpsons. Seeing as how the latest entry for that has yet to air as of the time of this review, I figured I’d prep myself for it by watching episode 34 on Disney+. Was it worth catching up and taking a quick break?

 

Nope. It’s terrible. Arguably one of the very worst ones they have done since that yearly tradition began back in Season 2. All of these shorts are bad. The first segment is a Snowpiercer parody with Marge jumping into a digital world to rescue Bart while fighting off NFTs. It is utter garbage and serves as further proof that the showrunners need to let Julie Kavner take a bow and finally give her voice a rest. Our second story contains an appearance from fan favorite villain Sideshow Bob (and serves as a parody of the now-defunct Mindhunter series) was perhaps the best of the three, but is still overall weak. This is all the more shocking when you discover that this is a “what if” alternate ending to classic episode “Cape Feare.” The final segment centers on the town of Springfield suddenly being filled with Homer Simpson clones after he consumes a hazardous donut, and his toxic burps cause everyone he encounters to mutate into variations of him. We’ve seen a take on this in season fourteen’s “Send in the Clones,” and (Lemmy I can’t believe I’m typing this) in a friggin’ “FAMILY GUY” episode where Peter Griffin gains the ability to turn everyone in town into Robin Williams. You know your segment is lacking when Seth MacFarlane of all people does a better job with it.

 

Avoid this one if you cherish any good memories of older seasons. In fact, just go re-watch any of those first ten-or-so “Treehouse” episodes instead.

 

 

The nicest things I can say about 2024’s Destroy All Neighbors, a horror-comedy about a struggling musician who accidentally murders the new, eccentric tenant next door, are that I like most of the performers involved (Jonah Ray, Alex Winter, Thomas Lennon, and Kumail Nanjiani), and I’m sure that it was a blast to work on. There’s some fun practical effects work on display as well. But goodness knows why I just couldn’t vibe with this at all. Maybe I needed to watch this with friends or in a better state of mind, as I found that a large chunk of its jokes missed by a mile and after some time, I just said “oh, I’ve seen these bits done better in at least half a dozen other horror-comedies.” Perhaps I’ll revisit this again sometime down the line, but this was the first true disappointment of the season.

 

 

What did NOT let me down, however, was one of this year’s more highly anticipated horror films to make it to select theaters: the slow burn slasher known as In a Violent Nature. Though the slasher genre can feel archaic and stale during these modern times, when you get something that comes along that tries something out of the ordinary such as say, Happy Death Day or the underrated Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, it is such a sweet treat. Nature’s concept is one we’ve seen before, with a mute, resurrected killer stalking a group of people who may or may not be in possession of something that means a great deal to him. What helps separate this from the pack is that a large chunk of the flick is seen from the murderer’s perspective, and it often moves at his pace. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to walk in Jason or Michael’s footsteps (perhaps literally)? Well, the filmmakers are happy to provide you with that answer. For better or worse, this bloody affair is telling the audience to remain as patient as our villain does, because the payoff is going to be oh-so satisfying. Without going into too many details, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that most of the people working behind the scenes were unabashed fans of the newest Mortal Kombat video games, because the kills are GRUESOME. In retrospect, I’d say that my only real complaint would have been about its ending, but even then, I feel as though it’s rather fitting considering its somewhat more “grounded” pace.

 

In a Violent Nature lives up to its name, and though it isn’t going to appeal to everyone, I had a remarkably good time with it. It’s mean and unforgiving, but quite rewarding.

 

Anyways, go watch something dope on Shudder. We are really lucky to have it.

Unseen Terror 2024: The 50s Were Odd (Days 3 & 4)

Yep, here be the annual giant monster movies. And this time, they’re a trio of B&W flicks too? What a treat!

 

Anyways…

 

I have a funny history with spiders: one of my earliest memories of horror films was being scared terribly by 1990’s Arachnophobia. It was so bad that I couldn’t sleep even after the film was long over and my dad kept insisting and stating that spiders weren’t going to crawl into our popcorn or burst out of the walls. Even though the flick is (rightfully) marketed as more of a horror-comedy, it got under 7-year-old Ryan’s skin more than certified hood classics such as Alien or The Exorcist ever did. And yet, less than a year later, the fear was all but gone and I went back to loving them. Time is a strange thing.

 

That being said, I’m somewhat surprised that it took me over thirty years to watch 1958’s schlockfest Earth vs. the Spider (renamed to just The Spider at the last minute by the studio, but whoever edited the opening credits must’ve missed the memo), as it is discussed in a staple VHS tape of my childhood called “Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies.” I’ve talked at length about this compilation in the past on at least two separate occasions, but it is essentially a collection of assorted monster movie trailers with everything ranging from classic pictures like Godzilla & assorted Ray Harryhausen projects to pictures like At the Earth’s Core and Son of Kong. Even as a kid though, I wondered “why does the titular monster just look like a blown-up spider instead of an actual prop?”  This was before I knew what “composite” films were, and even if I had gotten around to watching this as a child, I think seeing “spider handler” listed in the opening credits should’ve given away the fact that this wasn’t exactly going to be of the highest quality.

 

Sure enough, I was 100% correct. However, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing in the case of Earth vs the Spider, because it’s almost so incompetent and cheaply made that it’s quite charming. Hell, I’d even bet audiences at the time would’ve been laughing at this as much as I did. The primary cast is full of people who are FAR too old to be playing teenagers (and some could’ve had children of their own at that time for all I know), but not too young to understand ‘B’ movie acting. The plot, for what it attempts to have, has a couple of “teens” go in search of one of their missing parents, only to stumble into the lair of a big spider that screams like an elderly woman yelling with a stomachache because she ate too many enchiladas. They escape, and eventually the spider gets out and causes trouble. I honestly couldn’t tell if the scenes of panicked crowds were lifted from other films, but what I COULD tell while watching this picture was how badly they treated the tarantulas used throughout. I don’t want to sound like a buzzkill (and this might not mean much to anyone who hates arachnids), but scenes of a “comatose” spider are clearly that of an already deceased one flipped upside down, and a quick scene of someone scooching a regular-sized tarantula off a table also bummed me out, as they are surprisingly quite delicate creatures. Then again, I doubt that the rules about animal cruelty during 1950s filmmaking applied to anything that sported six or eight legs around that time. Oh well. On the plus side, the closeups of the spider’s legs look like giant pool noodles covered with hay and hair. I also learned that apparently rock and/or roll can revive a monster that’s close to death. Can we try applying that to modern day science as well?

 

This is a perfectly fine and incredibly silly creature feature. It’s nowhere near as solid as something like Them! or the Toho-distributed bangers from Japan, but considering that it cost less than $150k to produce, it’s a fun low budget monster movie to add to your monthly “bad movie nights” that you may or may not do with your friends. If you lack the ability to make newer friends like me though, there’s also a Mystery Science Theater 3000 riff out there for good measure as well.

 

 

Anyways, let’s get on to another flick from the aforementioned Fantastic VHS tape. This one features an intimidating reptile that up until February of this year, never had a single human fatality to its name! Special shoutout to the “Tooth & Claw” Podcast for that fun little bit of info.

 

 

The Giant Gila Monster was released around the end of the 1950s when this kind of stuff was most likely burning out at a quicker pace than expected. It’s directed by Ray Kellogg, who also helped give us the infamously bad The Killer Shrews (of which this played alongside of as a double feature in theaters). Both were shot back-to-back, which may explain why most of this movie feels somewhat rushed and lacking in, well, everything. The plot initially centers around a young couple who goes missing, and instead of wondering if the two lovers could be in danger, the town sheriff is absolutely convinced that they must’ve run off to get married. I have no clue as to how any person in law enforcement (even from that period) would immediately jump to that conclusion and why he’d have such a monumentally huge problem with that. Would he prefer they were cutting one another into pieces or doing hard drugs? I politely ask any of the older generation to give me an explanation about whether this was normal or not. Anyways, regardless of whatever happened to the young lovers, a giant lizard emerges from the far-off world of “Composite Island” to (very) slowly terrorize the world.

 

So, I’ll get the good out of the way first: lead actor Don Sullivan actually wrote all three original songs featured in the film. While the songs aren’t particularly good, it’s kind of nice that he was willing to do that for the sake of hopefully elevating the quality of the film. After all, there have been plenty of below-average pictures with great songs in them, so why not try at the very least? The Giant Gila Monster is also technically a very short watch, clocking in at around the seventy-five minute mark.

 

As for the bad? Well, even for a short, bad ‘B’ movie, it is HIDEOUSLY boring. If you were the watch the trailer for this online, nearly all the “Gila Monster” footage was shown in there. Things don’t get particularly fun until nearly an hour has gone by, which hurts quite bad when you remember what the running time is. Also, it’s technically a Mexican Beaded Lizard being utilized here, not a Gila Monster. Yes, they look similar, but it’s like when you stare at a milk snake and a coral snake (though in this case, both lizards pack quite a nasty bite).

 

While researching The Giant Gila Monster, I discovered that filmmaking junkie and ‘Z’ movie connoisseur (yes, there are grades in this field) Jim Wynorski apparently remade this in 2012. For those unfamiliar with Wynorski’s filmography, he’s done everything from Chopping Mall & The Return of Swamp Thing to nearly every bizarre porn parody you’d catch on late night Skin-amax in the early 2000s. I’m not quite sure if I’ll seek out his updated take (simply titled Gila!), but if I do, there is no way in hell it can be as sluggish as this was. As was the case with Earth vs the Spider, this was also infamously riffed in MST3K, and the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew must be commended for taking on something so uneventful and most likely turning chicken shit into chicken salad.

 

If I were to wrap up this bizarre group of movies from the past couple of days, I figured I’d venture outside of my comfort zone (or rather, go for another 1950s creature feature that ISN’T featured on the VHS) but stay in familiar territory. Thus, we get 1957’s The Black Scorpion, a film about a group of kaiju-sized scorpions who emerge from beneath the earth after volcanic activity disrupts their slumber. Plot-wise this is eerily similar to 1954’s Them!, with the titular arachnids even sporting the same chirping sound that the giant ants possessed. This cheapness isn’t terribly surprising when you consider that both motion pictures were distributed by Warner Bros., who likely thought that general audiences would fall for anything. Given the legacy and historical importance of both flicks, I’d say that they gambled and lost on this one.

 

As for the cast and crew, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. Lead actor Richard Denning (also seen in Creature from the Black Lagoon and An Affair to Remember) is strong, but everyone else around him is hit-or-miss. I did feel very bad for leading lady Mara Corday though; in the same year as this, she also starred in an all-timer of bad cinema called The Giant Claw (reviewed right here!). Poor woman couldn’t seem to catch a break around this time. Hell, two years prior to this and The Giant Claw, she starred in yet another creature feature called Tarantula, which perhaps we’ll review on here one day. The characters aren’t anything to write home about, but there are some attempts at fleshing them out a bit when they’re not being terrorized by these scurrying threats.

 

Oddly enough, The Black Scorpion marks the Unseen Terror debut of stop-motion pioneer Willis O’Brien, who helped bless us with influential projects such as King Kong, The Lost World, and Mighty Joe Young (the latter also featured fellow legend Ray Harryhausen’s first venture into animation work). It’s also one of the final pictures in O’Brien’s filmography, as he would pass away five years after its release. Perhaps because of his involvement, that may explain as to why we’re able to see some of the man’s unused props from prior project King Kong in one scene inside of an underground lair. During the first attempt at killing the monsters, a trapdoor spider chases one of the side characters during its second act, and apparently that creature was intended to appear in one of the most infamous bits of “lost” footage from King Kong. That whole sequence (lovingly nicknamed “The Spider Pit”) will likely never see the light of day unless someone gains access to a time machine. As for the scorpions themselves? Well, the stop-motion effects are quite solid, but the close-up shots of their drooling maws brought to mind the giant spider from 1990’s It miniseries (and that is NOT a compliment).

 

This is an overall very fun, if not dumb and slightly dated monster flick from one of the genre’s pioneers. It isn’t one of Willis O’Brien’s finest hours, but for fans of the old school creature feature stuff and “natural” horror genre, this is one you can add to your collection. Come to think of it, this could for a nice double feature with the aforementioned Earth vs the Spider, all while you use a copy of The Giant Gila Monster as a beverage coaster.

Unseen Terror 2024: Moore is More Than Enough (Day 2)

Before this review begins, I’ll get it out of the way right now: no, this has nothing to do with 2019’s Academy Award-winning black comedy/thriller of the same name. I trust you folks to come up with better jokes than that. I also have to say that sitting through this was a real chore solely because of how many ads are thrown into Parasite’s running time on Plex (its current location for streaming), which seemed to stretch its 88-minute running time to nearly two hours. I guess I can’t complain TOO much about any motion picture being completely free to watch, but boy did it cut into my sleeping habits. Anyways, let’s get this over with.

 

Initially, 1982’s Parasite was set to appear much later in this year’s Unseen Terror, but through the power of sheer coincidence, it’s getting bumped up to the first week. After all, there’s no better way to follow up (arguably) Demi Moore’s finest hour than with her first major picture debut. Prior to this viewing, my only familiarity with this pseudo-Alien knockoff (set in a post-apocalyptic world and centered around an infected doctor searching for a cure to the “parasite” within his chest) was having seen the poster in the background of a couple of random Youtubers’ videos and seeing it discussed in the awesome In Search of Darkness documentaries (must-watches for horror fans of all generations). Color me surprised when I see that not only was this Moore’s first "proper" foray into the acting field, but it’s directed by Full Moon Productions and Empire Pictures founder Charles Band. It’s even stranger seeing that it costars Ghoulies writer-director Luca Bercovici and has early effects work by the late Stan Winston. So yeah, this is just an odd little blip on most of these peoples’ resumés, isn’t it? To his credit though, Winston’s practical effects are perfectly fine (save for maybe the titular creature, which is brought to life primarily through hand puppetry). That might be the only particular highlight for Parasite though, because this is kind of a slog to get through.

 

Firstly, this thing is sllllloooowwww. Not a slow burn, but more on the sluggish side. Setting anything in a post-nuclear fallout environment, no matter the budget, must be at least mildly interesting, but the pacing offers no reward for your patience (other than seeing a hilariously silly scene where Vivian Blaine of Guys and Dolls fame gets her head turned into one of those puppets from the “Land of Confusion” music video, only for a monster to burst forth). There’s also the problem with the side and stock characters, who feel more like geeks and slasher movie rejects than intimidating bullies or wisemen to our protagonists (bizarre to see a post-Runaways Cherie Currie show up before she’d go bonkers on social media). If you told me that they wandered off the set of a Friday the 13^th knockoff, I would absolutely believe you. Finally, there’s the immensely talented Ms. Moore. She is doing her best, but it also feels like she may have misunderstood the assignment here. I’m not saying you need to ham it up (especially this early in your career), but her complete seriousness amongst a sea of silly shit is oddly jarring. Then again, I’m not sure what I was expecting given the involvement of who is behind the camera. If she had set up and continued a string of ill-fitting performances, who knows where her career would’ve ended up?

 

Demi Moore has gone on record saying that she feels Parasite is the worst film she’s ever starred in. While I certainly respect her opinion, I’d still say that Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle or Blame it on Rio takes the cake in that department. Some of the practical effects and some silliness involving laser pistols prevent it from being a total dud, but it isn’t something I’d recommend you seek out immediately. I kept thinking that Dan O’Bannon and H.R. Giger could’ve watched this and considered suing, but I don’t think it’d even be worth the effort. I’d say this is for diehard fans of……..erm, something.

 

And no, I did not watch this in 3-D as it was originally released in theaters. If your film can’t stand on its own without the use of gimmicks like that, then that’s your fault.