Unseen Terror 2024: Quack You Ryhan (Day 11)

It dawned on me while assembling this year’s marathon that for the day when I grew one year older, I had nearly run out of film choices to watch from 1985. I’ve covered nearly all the heavy hitters (most of which I adore). Hell, I could have just cheated and listed off my favorite “Treehouse of Horror” episodes instead, but that would require more time than I expected. So, I decided to go back to the well of a country whose contributions to scary cinema rarely disappoint me: Italy! Specifically, I wanted to watch something that had been in my queue for several years and that would make me squirm a bit. Thankfully Lucio Fulci’s 1982 cult favorite giallo The New York Ripper (originally titled Lo squartatore di New York) was there to welcome me with bloody arms.

 

The plot is your basic “detective looking for a serial killer” trope, but what helps separate this one from the pack is just the all-around weirdness, ugliness, and brutality of it all. When your movie opens with a man playing fetch with his golden retriever, only for his dog to ignorantly bring back a decomposing, severed hand, you know that this isn’t going to be a simple procedural or anything you’d see on CBS evenings. For starters, this movie is super sleazy and grimy. Admittedly, I haven’t been to New York City in more than twenty years, but this movie dives into the darker and more “sensuous” side of the big apple that I’m sure some people reading this may not want to admit exists. There ain’t no Broadway Musical highlighting, but apparently in the world of The New York Ripper, you can attend live sex shows. So, there’s that! The violence is also unrepentantly BRUTAL (as is usually the case with Fulci), with our titular killer brandishing only a switchblade and straight-razors. If you know anything about Lucio Fulci (whose other works include bangers such as The Beyond, Zombie, and City of the Living Dead just to name a few), then you know there is also bound to be some eyeball violence thrown into the mix too, so brace yourself for that. There's also a memorable sequence involving a broken bottle that can be best described as "something you don't see every day."

But while the slayings seen on screen will certainly stick in your mind for a very long time, it’s the very odd (if not slightly jarring) decision to have our titular slasher constantly quacking at their victims while harassing and ultimately eviscerating them. I couldn’t fully tell if that was meant to be genuinely intimidating or if it was meant to be a parody, but I suppose that if you put yourself in the shoes of the people being stalked, it can be a bit disorienting? Even after laying out my rough draft for this, I can’t fully tell whether to put this into my list of “positives” or “negatives,” because it is just so peculiar. One genuine complaint I DO have though is that while the film does manage to do a surprisingly good job at keeping you guessing as to who the killer is (even after a moment that makes it seem SUPER obvious), there is a twist in its final act that comes in from out of NOWHERE that had me audibly asking why that needed to be there. It just kind of blindsides you with unnecessary exposition.

 

 

Lucio Fulci is an “acquired” taste, and The New York Ripper isn’t really an exception to that. It’s gratuitous, mean, and unsavory. I also think you could make an argument that it’s slightly misogynistic too unfortunately (his other contemporaries like Dario Argento tended to write stronger female characters). Still, flaws and all, I really had a ball with this one. If you have the stomach for it and want a nice heap of some blood-soaked cheese, throw this into your queue. As of the time of this review, it’s currently available to stream on Shudder and Tubi!

Unseen Terror 2024: Online Heebie Jeebies (Days 8-10)

You’ll have to forgive me for getting this batch of films out so late. I suspect that after my trashing of the last “Treehouse of Horror” segment, someone from Fox may have placed a curse on me because I’ve been quite sick over the past few days. Anyways, let’s get this out of the way. The theme over these last 72 hours has been one fear that I’m sure will never fully dissipate: the fear of the internet. What good comes from the world wide web also brings about some heinous stuff. For every compilation of cute cat videos or “bad lip readings” you’ll find, you stumble upon people spewing forth evil and dangerous viewpoints and worshipping the most depraved people on the planet. Of course, there’s also the vile cesspool that is social media, but that’s almost too easy of a target these days.

 

Anyways, this trio of films are all centered around dangerous discoveries found throughout places such as chatrooms and websites that your browser should know better than to let you navigate.

 

 

1998’s Strangeland is a pet project of Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider (and inspired by a song from their breakthrough album “Stay Hungry”). It centers around a detective searching for a man nicknamed “Captain Howdy,” who lures people into a world of extreme body modification and torture through the power of chatrooms (remember those?). As you could no doubt guess, Snider himself plays Captain Howdy, and he is certainly doing what he can to make this as memorable of a performance as possible. I’m not sure it fully works in the way that he wants considering that a lot of the dialogue is super silly, with Howdy speaking like he’s been lifted out of the wing at Arkham Asylum for “Overly Dramatic Villains.”  Weirdly enough, there’s also a part in the middle of Strangeland where our villain gets rehabilitated, but quickly turns back to his old lifestyle. I’m sure that this was supposed to be a commentary on the idea that society just can’t forgive and forget what someone has done in the past so easily (or maybe so that they could cast Robert Englund as the leader of an angry mob who wishes to exact justice of their own. Ha!), but it felt like wasted film reel.

My criticisms aside, I didn’t really hate Strangeland at all. Yes, it is a “passion” project (which can be very hit or miss) and Snider’s character does look like he’d fit in more on an episode of “Ink Master” than a world that’s trying to ape the likes of Hellraiser or Se7en, but it’s never boring and I thought the look of the film overall wasn’t too shabby. It also breezes by at a relatively good pace. Ultimately a tossup for me, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was perfectly adequate. Plus, Howdy’s world seems to be less toxic than Twitter these days!

 

 

You’re going to have to bear with me here. This particular review may contain some very harsh language because this was the first movie for this year’s Unseen Terror to truly make me angry. Then again, considering that FeardotCom currently sits at a whopping 3% on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes and is one of only a handful of pictures (regardless of genre) to receive an overall score of ‘F’ on Cinemascore, I should have seen this coming and braced for a truly wretched piece of shit.

 

There are two good things about FeardotCom: the ten-or-so seconds of hearing Rammstein’s “Sonne” during a kidnapping scene, and that it will inspire you to re-watch one of the many films it’s attempting to ape to help you forget about what you’ve just watched here. As for the plot itself? Well, an NYPD detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of strange murders that may or may not be connected to a website called “feardotcom…. dotcom.” And no, that is NOT a typo. From what I understand, the producers initially wanted to call the website in the film “fear dot com,” but didn’t realize that there was already a website using that name. The original owners refused to sell the rights to the website, and so the flick’s spooky website’s url was changed to “feardotcomdotcom.” Idiots. Fucking idiots.

 

The mistake of not diving deeper into the trademarking of the website in the picture itself is the least of this excrement resembling a movie’s worries though. For starters, they have the AUDACITY to waste esteemed and beloved character actors such as Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, From Beyond) and Udo Kier (Shadow of the Vampire, Suspiria) by giving them fuck-all to do. Hell, the latter is basically relegated to a glorified cameo by appearing in its opening three minutes and then dying. I’d also say that they waste Stephen Dorff (Blade, The Gate), but seeing as how he’d go on the star in all-time turd Alone in the Dark several years later, maybe this isn’t so bad for him after all. It’s also lacking in anything resembling originality or real tension. It acts as an ugly, dumbed down hybrid of Videodrome, Se7en, and assorted ‘J’ horror pictures. There’s also some awful ADR in its final act, which considering that it cost $40 million to make, is just baffling.

I know that there have been a lot of “revisionist” pieces for late 90s/early 00’s horror films over the past several years. Films that were unfairly maligned have been rediscovered or reappraised by younger generations or those who are not afraid to defend their favorites (even with noticeable flaws). Heck, sometimes I agree with those! I’ll wait with crossed arms and gritted teeth to see who comes out of the woodworks to defend such a goddamn awful film like FeardotCom though. You better have a compelling argument, because this immediately entered the conversation for worst films I’ve ever watched over the course of doing this marathon.

 

 

 

 

Before you say “hey, this is more psychological thriller than horror,” I want to say that it’s my marathon and I’ll do what I want to do. Plus, those two are best friends whether you realize it or not.

 

How it took me this long to watch 2005’s infamous Hard Candy I have no idea. This was one of THE movies to “make” both Elliot (billed here as “Ellen”) Page and Patrick Wilson. The story is a pretty simple one: Page plays a teenager who meets the significantly older Wilson via an online chat, and they set a time to finally meet in person. After some more small talk and exchanging of interests, they go back to his house, where Page’s character drugs, traps, and tortures him on the grounds that he is strongly/rightfully suspected of being a child predator. After sitting through two mixed bags of the exaggerated notion of “the internet is scary,” this one finally seemed to get something right and packed genuine tension. Page’s character of Hayley is the ultimate spirit of vengeance, and Wilson’s Jeff almost inspires sympathy as time goes by (until you remember that he’s, well, a pederast and potentially even worse). For ninety percent of Hard Candy’s running time, it’s just the two of them (save for a cameo from Sandra Oh of Grey’s Anatomy and Killing Eve fame) fucking with one another. You’re locked inside of their twisted world and it’s fascinating. It’s a treat. Sometimes I love watching movies with casts that are so small you could count the number of featured performers seen in them on one hand. Tragically, while I was writing this review, I discovered that Page was assaulted himself after the wrap party for Hard Candy, which makes watching his equally more uncomfortable, but God I can only hope that the member of the production crew who did it gets what’s coming to them sooner than later.

 

Not sure what else I can add to this review (that and I want to get some rest). It’s on Tubi and I believe Amazon Prime as well. It’s a well-respected film and a great “revenge” flick. Check it out!

Unseen Terror 2024: Something Something Shudder (Days 5-7)

Writer’s block sucks. Sorry folks. Anyways, let’s get these bad boys out of the way. Apologies if these may seem somewhat short, but I’ve been in a terrible place mentally these past few days and was dangerously close to stopping this for good. Ironic since The Substance reinvigorated my interest in keeping this silly concept alive. For this entry, we’ve got a Shudder-tastic bunch courtesy of……well, streaming service Shudder. Sometimes I can’t come up with clever puns.

 

I’ve had a pretty hit-or-miss history with the (surprisingly) long-running “found footage” V/H/S series. For every segment that hits the mark like a prime Will Ospreay, they have one that misses like vintage David Flair. It’s very rare to find any entry in this franchise that is consistent the whole way throughout their running time. Thankfully 2024’s V/H/S/Beyond may very well have solved that issue, as I feel that there isn’t a single story in here that would qualify as a “stinker” (the wraparound story by documentary filmmaker Jay Cheel is arguably the weakest of these, but still presents itself as being compelling nonetheless) and the “tapes” here seem to have a bit of Science Fiction flair this time around. If I had to rank the segments, I would say that the fourth short titled “Fur Babies” (written and directed by Christian and Justin Long…yes, THAT Justin Long) was the one that stood out to me the most, as its twisted sense of humor and often unsettling machinations (slight spoilers: time spent on the set of Tusk must’ve warped Justin’s brain) presented in the second half were enough to stay in my mind for the rest of the year. Behind that would be the very first story titled “Stork,” a search-and-destroy tale which is written by Jordan Downey & Kevin Stewart (with Downey serving as director). I’m pretty blown away by seeing the growth of those two in particular, seeing as how they gave me one of my least favorite horror pictures in the form of Thankskilling, but afterwards delivered the EXCELLENT The Head Hunter and superb fan film Critters: Bounty Hunter (a.k.a the best thing in that franchise in nearly 35 years). Behind those would be Ben Turner & Justin Martinez’s frenetic skydiving-gone-awry story (the cleverly titled “Live and Let Dive”), Virat Pal and Evan Dickson’s “Dream Girl” (where amateur paparazzi discover more about a pop star in Mumbai than they ever wanted to find out), and Kate Siegel’s extraterrestrial-based “Stowaway,” which is written by her husband Mike Flanagan (Doctor Sleep, Gerald’s Game, and SO many more solid projects). Side note: I had no idea Siegel was from Silver Spring, MD (where I spent half of my years growing up) and grew up in Rockville (where I currently reside). Small world.

 

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by V/H/S/Beyond. The consistency never really drops, and it highlights some extremely promising filmmakers. Even as someone who is pretty burned out on the “found footage” genre, I’ll almost always check these out until they decide to stop making them.

 

 

 

 

It occurred to me while perusing older reviews on the blog that I apparently missed last year’s annual “Treehouse of Horror” episode from The Simpsons. Seeing as how the latest entry for that has yet to air as of the time of this review, I figured I’d prep myself for it by watching episode 34 on Disney+. Was it worth catching up and taking a quick break?

 

Nope. It’s terrible. Arguably one of the very worst ones they have done since that yearly tradition began back in Season 2. All of these shorts are bad. The first segment is a Snowpiercer parody with Marge jumping into a digital world to rescue Bart while fighting off NFTs. It is utter garbage and serves as further proof that the showrunners need to let Julie Kavner take a bow and finally give her voice a rest. Our second story contains an appearance from fan favorite villain Sideshow Bob (and serves as a parody of the now-defunct Mindhunter series) was perhaps the best of the three, but is still overall weak. This is all the more shocking when you discover that this is a “what if” alternate ending to classic episode “Cape Feare.” The final segment centers on the town of Springfield suddenly being filled with Homer Simpson clones after he consumes a hazardous donut, and his toxic burps cause everyone he encounters to mutate into variations of him. We’ve seen a take on this in season fourteen’s “Send in the Clones,” and (Lemmy I can’t believe I’m typing this) in a friggin’ “FAMILY GUY” episode where Peter Griffin gains the ability to turn everyone in town into Robin Williams. You know your segment is lacking when Seth MacFarlane of all people does a better job with it.

 

Avoid this one if you cherish any good memories of older seasons. In fact, just go re-watch any of those first ten-or-so “Treehouse” episodes instead.

 

 

The nicest things I can say about 2024’s Destroy All Neighbors, a horror-comedy about a struggling musician who accidentally murders the new, eccentric tenant next door, are that I like most of the performers involved (Jonah Ray, Alex Winter, Thomas Lennon, and Kumail Nanjiani), and I’m sure that it was a blast to work on. There’s some fun practical effects work on display as well. But goodness knows why I just couldn’t vibe with this at all. Maybe I needed to watch this with friends or in a better state of mind, as I found that a large chunk of its jokes missed by a mile and after some time, I just said “oh, I’ve seen these bits done better in at least half a dozen other horror-comedies.” Perhaps I’ll revisit this again sometime down the line, but this was the first true disappointment of the season.

 

 

What did NOT let me down, however, was one of this year’s more highly anticipated horror films to make it to select theaters: the slow burn slasher known as In a Violent Nature. Though the slasher genre can feel archaic and stale during these modern times, when you get something that comes along that tries something out of the ordinary such as say, Happy Death Day or the underrated Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, it is such a sweet treat. Nature’s concept is one we’ve seen before, with a mute, resurrected killer stalking a group of people who may or may not be in possession of something that means a great deal to him. What helps separate this from the pack is that a large chunk of the flick is seen from the murderer’s perspective, and it often moves at his pace. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to walk in Jason or Michael’s footsteps (perhaps literally)? Well, the filmmakers are happy to provide you with that answer. For better or worse, this bloody affair is telling the audience to remain as patient as our villain does, because the payoff is going to be oh-so satisfying. Without going into too many details, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that most of the people working behind the scenes were unabashed fans of the newest Mortal Kombat video games, because the kills are GRUESOME. In retrospect, I’d say that my only real complaint would have been about its ending, but even then, I feel as though it’s rather fitting considering its somewhat more “grounded” pace.

 

In a Violent Nature lives up to its name, and though it isn’t going to appeal to everyone, I had a remarkably good time with it. It’s mean and unforgiving, but quite rewarding.

 

Anyways, go watch something dope on Shudder. We are really lucky to have it.

Unseen Terror 2024: The 50s Were Odd (Days 3 & 4)

Yep, here be the annual giant monster movies. And this time, they’re a trio of B&W flicks too? What a treat!

 

Anyways…

 

I have a funny history with spiders: one of my earliest memories of horror films was being scared terribly by 1990’s Arachnophobia. It was so bad that I couldn’t sleep even after the film was long over and my dad kept insisting and stating that spiders weren’t going to crawl into our popcorn or burst out of the walls. Even though the flick is (rightfully) marketed as more of a horror-comedy, it got under 7-year-old Ryan’s skin more than certified hood classics such as Alien or The Exorcist ever did. And yet, less than a year later, the fear was all but gone and I went back to loving them. Time is a strange thing.

 

That being said, I’m somewhat surprised that it took me over thirty years to watch 1958’s schlockfest Earth vs. the Spider (renamed to just The Spider at the last minute by the studio, but whoever edited the opening credits must’ve missed the memo), as it is discussed in a staple VHS tape of my childhood called “Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies.” I’ve talked at length about this compilation in the past on at least two separate occasions, but it is essentially a collection of assorted monster movie trailers with everything ranging from classic pictures like Godzilla & assorted Ray Harryhausen projects to pictures like At the Earth’s Core and Son of Kong. Even as a kid though, I wondered “why does the titular monster just look like a blown-up spider instead of an actual prop?”  This was before I knew what “composite” films were, and even if I had gotten around to watching this as a child, I think seeing “spider handler” listed in the opening credits should’ve given away the fact that this wasn’t exactly going to be of the highest quality.

 

Sure enough, I was 100% correct. However, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing in the case of Earth vs the Spider, because it’s almost so incompetent and cheaply made that it’s quite charming. Hell, I’d even bet audiences at the time would’ve been laughing at this as much as I did. The primary cast is full of people who are FAR too old to be playing teenagers (and some could’ve had children of their own at that time for all I know), but not too young to understand ‘B’ movie acting. The plot, for what it attempts to have, has a couple of “teens” go in search of one of their missing parents, only to stumble into the lair of a big spider that screams like an elderly woman yelling with a stomachache because she ate too many enchiladas. They escape, and eventually the spider gets out and causes trouble. I honestly couldn’t tell if the scenes of panicked crowds were lifted from other films, but what I COULD tell while watching this picture was how badly they treated the tarantulas used throughout. I don’t want to sound like a buzzkill (and this might not mean much to anyone who hates arachnids), but scenes of a “comatose” spider are clearly that of an already deceased one flipped upside down, and a quick scene of someone scooching a regular-sized tarantula off a table also bummed me out, as they are surprisingly quite delicate creatures. Then again, I doubt that the rules about animal cruelty during 1950s filmmaking applied to anything that sported six or eight legs around that time. Oh well. On the plus side, the closeups of the spider’s legs look like giant pool noodles covered with hay and hair. I also learned that apparently rock and/or roll can revive a monster that’s close to death. Can we try applying that to modern day science as well?

 

This is a perfectly fine and incredibly silly creature feature. It’s nowhere near as solid as something like Them! or the Toho-distributed bangers from Japan, but considering that it cost less than $150k to produce, it’s a fun low budget monster movie to add to your monthly “bad movie nights” that you may or may not do with your friends. If you lack the ability to make newer friends like me though, there’s also a Mystery Science Theater 3000 riff out there for good measure as well.

 

 

Anyways, let’s get on to another flick from the aforementioned Fantastic VHS tape. This one features an intimidating reptile that up until February of this year, never had a single human fatality to its name! Special shoutout to the “Tooth & Claw” Podcast for that fun little bit of info.

 

 

The Giant Gila Monster was released around the end of the 1950s when this kind of stuff was most likely burning out at a quicker pace than expected. It’s directed by Ray Kellogg, who also helped give us the infamously bad The Killer Shrews (of which this played alongside of as a double feature in theaters). Both were shot back-to-back, which may explain why most of this movie feels somewhat rushed and lacking in, well, everything. The plot initially centers around a young couple who goes missing, and instead of wondering if the two lovers could be in danger, the town sheriff is absolutely convinced that they must’ve run off to get married. I have no clue as to how any person in law enforcement (even from that period) would immediately jump to that conclusion and why he’d have such a monumentally huge problem with that. Would he prefer they were cutting one another into pieces or doing hard drugs? I politely ask any of the older generation to give me an explanation about whether this was normal or not. Anyways, regardless of whatever happened to the young lovers, a giant lizard emerges from the far-off world of “Composite Island” to (very) slowly terrorize the world.

 

So, I’ll get the good out of the way first: lead actor Don Sullivan actually wrote all three original songs featured in the film. While the songs aren’t particularly good, it’s kind of nice that he was willing to do that for the sake of hopefully elevating the quality of the film. After all, there have been plenty of below-average pictures with great songs in them, so why not try at the very least? The Giant Gila Monster is also technically a very short watch, clocking in at around the seventy-five minute mark.

 

As for the bad? Well, even for a short, bad ‘B’ movie, it is HIDEOUSLY boring. If you were the watch the trailer for this online, nearly all the “Gila Monster” footage was shown in there. Things don’t get particularly fun until nearly an hour has gone by, which hurts quite bad when you remember what the running time is. Also, it’s technically a Mexican Beaded Lizard being utilized here, not a Gila Monster. Yes, they look similar, but it’s like when you stare at a milk snake and a coral snake (though in this case, both lizards pack quite a nasty bite).

 

While researching The Giant Gila Monster, I discovered that filmmaking junkie and ‘Z’ movie connoisseur (yes, there are grades in this field) Jim Wynorski apparently remade this in 2012. For those unfamiliar with Wynorski’s filmography, he’s done everything from Chopping Mall & The Return of Swamp Thing to nearly every bizarre porn parody you’d catch on late night Skin-amax in the early 2000s. I’m not quite sure if I’ll seek out his updated take (simply titled Gila!), but if I do, there is no way in hell it can be as sluggish as this was. As was the case with Earth vs the Spider, this was also infamously riffed in MST3K, and the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew must be commended for taking on something so uneventful and most likely turning chicken shit into chicken salad.

 

If I were to wrap up this bizarre group of movies from the past couple of days, I figured I’d venture outside of my comfort zone (or rather, go for another 1950s creature feature that ISN’T featured on the VHS) but stay in familiar territory. Thus, we get 1957’s The Black Scorpion, a film about a group of kaiju-sized scorpions who emerge from beneath the earth after volcanic activity disrupts their slumber. Plot-wise this is eerily similar to 1954’s Them!, with the titular arachnids even sporting the same chirping sound that the giant ants possessed. This cheapness isn’t terribly surprising when you consider that both motion pictures were distributed by Warner Bros., who likely thought that general audiences would fall for anything. Given the legacy and historical importance of both flicks, I’d say that they gambled and lost on this one.

 

As for the cast and crew, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. Lead actor Richard Denning (also seen in Creature from the Black Lagoon and An Affair to Remember) is strong, but everyone else around him is hit-or-miss. I did feel very bad for leading lady Mara Corday though; in the same year as this, she also starred in an all-timer of bad cinema called The Giant Claw (reviewed right here!). Poor woman couldn’t seem to catch a break around this time. Hell, two years prior to this and The Giant Claw, she starred in yet another creature feature called Tarantula, which perhaps we’ll review on here one day. The characters aren’t anything to write home about, but there are some attempts at fleshing them out a bit when they’re not being terrorized by these scurrying threats.

 

Oddly enough, The Black Scorpion marks the Unseen Terror debut of stop-motion pioneer Willis O’Brien, who helped bless us with influential projects such as King Kong, The Lost World, and Mighty Joe Young (the latter also featured fellow legend Ray Harryhausen’s first venture into animation work). It’s also one of the final pictures in O’Brien’s filmography, as he would pass away five years after its release. Perhaps because of his involvement, that may explain as to why we’re able to see some of the man’s unused props from prior project King Kong in one scene inside of an underground lair. During the first attempt at killing the monsters, a trapdoor spider chases one of the side characters during its second act, and apparently that creature was intended to appear in one of the most infamous bits of “lost” footage from King Kong. That whole sequence (lovingly nicknamed “The Spider Pit”) will likely never see the light of day unless someone gains access to a time machine. As for the scorpions themselves? Well, the stop-motion effects are quite solid, but the close-up shots of their drooling maws brought to mind the giant spider from 1990’s It miniseries (and that is NOT a compliment).

 

This is an overall very fun, if not dumb and slightly dated monster flick from one of the genre’s pioneers. It isn’t one of Willis O’Brien’s finest hours, but for fans of the old school creature feature stuff and “natural” horror genre, this is one you can add to your collection. Come to think of it, this could for a nice double feature with the aforementioned Earth vs the Spider, all while you use a copy of The Giant Gila Monster as a beverage coaster.

Unseen Terror 2024: Moore is More Than Enough (Day 2)

Before this review begins, I’ll get it out of the way right now: no, this has nothing to do with 2019’s Academy Award-winning black comedy/thriller of the same name. I trust you folks to come up with better jokes than that. I also have to say that sitting through this was a real chore solely because of how many ads are thrown into Parasite’s running time on Plex (its current location for streaming), which seemed to stretch its 88-minute running time to nearly two hours. I guess I can’t complain TOO much about any motion picture being completely free to watch, but boy did it cut into my sleeping habits. Anyways, let’s get this over with.

 

Initially, 1982’s Parasite was set to appear much later in this year’s Unseen Terror, but through the power of sheer coincidence, it’s getting bumped up to the first week. After all, there’s no better way to follow up (arguably) Demi Moore’s finest hour than with her first major picture debut. Prior to this viewing, my only familiarity with this pseudo-Alien knockoff (set in a post-apocalyptic world and centered around an infected doctor searching for a cure to the “parasite” within his chest) was having seen the poster in the background of a couple of random Youtubers’ videos and seeing it discussed in the awesome In Search of Darkness documentaries (must-watches for horror fans of all generations). Color me surprised when I see that not only was this Moore’s first "proper" foray into the acting field, but it’s directed by Full Moon Productions and Empire Pictures founder Charles Band. It’s even stranger seeing that it costars Ghoulies writer-director Luca Bercovici and has early effects work by the late Stan Winston. So yeah, this is just an odd little blip on most of these peoples’ resumés, isn’t it? To his credit though, Winston’s practical effects are perfectly fine (save for maybe the titular creature, which is brought to life primarily through hand puppetry). That might be the only particular highlight for Parasite though, because this is kind of a slog to get through.

 

Firstly, this thing is sllllloooowwww. Not a slow burn, but more on the sluggish side. Setting anything in a post-nuclear fallout environment, no matter the budget, must be at least mildly interesting, but the pacing offers no reward for your patience (other than seeing a hilariously silly scene where Vivian Blaine of Guys and Dolls fame gets her head turned into one of those puppets from the “Land of Confusion” music video, only for a monster to burst forth). There’s also the problem with the side and stock characters, who feel more like geeks and slasher movie rejects than intimidating bullies or wisemen to our protagonists (bizarre to see a post-Runaways Cherie Currie show up before she’d go bonkers on social media). If you told me that they wandered off the set of a Friday the 13^th knockoff, I would absolutely believe you. Finally, there’s the immensely talented Ms. Moore. She is doing her best, but it also feels like she may have misunderstood the assignment here. I’m not saying you need to ham it up (especially this early in your career), but her complete seriousness amongst a sea of silly shit is oddly jarring. Then again, I’m not sure what I was expecting given the involvement of who is behind the camera. If she had set up and continued a string of ill-fitting performances, who knows where her career would’ve ended up?

 

Demi Moore has gone on record saying that she feels Parasite is the worst film she’s ever starred in. While I certainly respect her opinion, I’d still say that Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle or Blame it on Rio takes the cake in that department. Some of the practical effects and some silliness involving laser pistols prevent it from being a total dud, but it isn’t something I’d recommend you seek out immediately. I kept thinking that Dan O’Bannon and H.R. Giger could’ve watched this and considered suing, but I don’t think it’d even be worth the effort. I’d say this is for diehard fans of……..erm, something.

 

And no, I did not watch this in 3-D as it was originally released in theaters. If your film can’t stand on its own without the use of gimmicks like that, then that’s your fault.

Unseen Terror 2024: A Necessary Rejuvenation (Day 1)

Let’s start this annual Halloween blog-o-thon thing with a confession: nearly two weeks ago, I was certain that I wasn’t going to even bother with this year’s foray into the world of “October first time watches.” Without delving too much into my personal life, I have not exactly had the best 2024 so far. Jobless, hopeless, and (in all honesty) unmotivated to continue doing this, I just figured packing it up was the wisest alternative to typing out lengthy reviews of ANY pictures, regardless of whether they could be classified as horror or not. After all, I’m not a professional by any means. I’m just some random schmuck who watches movies and likes talking about them with other individuals.

 

Then I saw the movie I’m going to discuss today. Now, the tentative list was given life again. Because the first entry of 2024’s “Unseen Terror” isn’t just coming out swinging but has possibly thrust its way into my favorite horror movies of this current decade.

Note: Credit for this Poster goes to @sollavee on Instagram

 

The hype around writer/director Coralie Fargeat undeniable talent and potential was exposed to the world with 2017’s “rape & revenge” piece called…well, Revenge. It was an unrelenting, brutal, exciting, and (perhaps most importantly) powerful picture that immediately shot the French director into the discussion of “future masters.” It may have had some detractors who thought it was perhaps a tad TOO bloody, but the potential for a strong, lengthy career was undeniable. Seven years later, Fargeat has dropped her sophomore effort, a body horror entry called The Substance, and cements her status as a modern-day giant. The film stars acting great Demi Moore (Ghost, A Few Good Men) as an aging actress named Elizabeth whose career has, to put it lightly, not been in the best of places as it used to be. After a freak car accident, someone slips her a note containing a USB drive and a piece of paper that simply says, “It changed my life.” Once home, she is informed of a new, experimental drug simply called “The Substance.” After some consideration, she obtains and takes the drug. Like a self-replicating cell, it creates a new, younger version of herself (played by Margaret Qualley of Poor Things and The Leftovers fame). Now nicknaming herself “Sue,” she feels rejuvenated and ready to reclaim the fame that she was losing. It comes with a price though; follow the instructions that come with your package(s) and NEVER break the rules written within.

 

That’s all that I want to give away about The Substance, because this picture goes in directions that nobody could ever expect it to. If Revenge was Fargeat’s twisted take on flicks of yesteryear such as early Wes Craven or Ingmar Bergman’s The Virgin Spring, the director’s sophomore effort is an outrageous, jaw-dropping, satirical, and feminist take on the early efforts of David Cronenberg and Brian Yuzna (with some splashes of Ken Russell and Shinya Tsukamoto thrown in). There's a visual flair that isn't commonly seen in most horror flicks these days (unless you're willing to venture overseas) and is especially a rarity among products in wide releases. The color pallets throughout make you feel as though you're stuck in a fever dream, but when those colors dissipate, you're snapped back to a very cruel, ugly reality.

Underneath the much-discussed insane sequences seen on screen, there’s some extremely effective messages on how society fetishizes young women but tosses aside anyone considered “old.” Specifically, Hollywood has always been guilty of this. Look at the actresses who came to prominence during my time spent in high school. In some people’s eyes, they’d be viewed as “old news,” which is utterly ridiculous and pretty goddamn sexist. Hell, I haven’t even reached the age of forty yet, but some of the people from around my generation are being told that unnecessary surgery is required in order to stay “relevant” or are getting dropped by their jobs because “you aren’t the face we want around here.” This mindset is present in Dennis Quaid’s character, who plays Moore’s arrogant agent (and will never make you want to eat shrimp again in your life), who is almost as slimy as another prominent human being he portrayed this year. Moore and Qualley’s character is the real standout though. No, that isn’t a grammatical error, as it is reiterated several times throughout the picture that they are one singular being. Moore gives perhaps the best performance of her entire career, and I’m hoping that she gets some sort of acknowledgement or award for committing to a project this bold and out of the ordinary. Qualley also continues to prove that she has a damn fine future ahead of her, and I admire the hell out of her commitment to choosing projects that don’t fit the norm of what big studios consider to be “traditional.” Give both women the accolades they deserve.

 

Movies like The Substance keep my love for horror and cinema in general alive and well, and I must give special thanks to every single person involved both on and off screen for crafting such a brilliant, beautifully odd, and horrific look into a world filled with desperation and obsession (in particular, whoever did the makeup and effects work deserves a raise). It stands as not just my favorite entry in the genre for 2024, but one of my favorite films PERIOD for the entire year. I’d say avoid the trailers and go in blind, but surprisingly the trailers give away virtually nothing that you witness in the finished film anyway. If you ever see or read this, thank you immensely Coralie.

Unseen Terror 2023: Wrap it Up Ryhan (Days 29-31)

Well, I hope everyone had the greatest of times during Halloween. No clever title for this final entry folks. Let's get these last three flicks knocked out while I'm still somewhat awake though.

Writer/director Brian de Palma is definitely no stranger to the marathon, but somehow his rock opera/horror-comedy hybrid Phantom of the Paradise had only been on my radar for about six years or so, as I would often confuse it with other similarly titled pictures or different projects outright. Still, once I took a glimpse at the Blu-Ray from the reliable Shout! Factory (specifically thanks to the managers at Rockville's Barnes & Noble location which I worked at for six years), I officially became determined to track this sucker down at some point while I was still breathing without having to spend an absurd amount of money. Hey, sometimes I'm just a cheapskate folks. *shrugs*

The plot to this oddball of a flick reads like a mixture of Phanom of the Opera and classic German tale Faust, and it follows a young naive singer-songwriter named Winslow (played by the late William Finley of Sisters fame) who is fooled by well-known music producer Swan (Paul Williams) into surrendering his works over to the far more established figure. Framed, jailed, and scarred (both mentally and physically), Winslow dons a new menacing persona that proceeds to terrorize Swan's newly opened concert hall, all the newly masked madman insists that his stolen music be performed by a younger, adored singer (Jessica Harper). The two come to an agreement of sorts but suffice to say things don't turn out how Winslow wants them to. I don't want to get too much further into plot details, because I believe approaching any motion picture as blind as possible is vital to enjoying it as much as you can.

I feel like it's been quite some time since I've been so unapologetically upfront about any flick that I've watched during an "Unseen Terror" marathon, but if there were ever such a thing as an instant buy, Phantom of the Paradise absolutely fits that description. I had such an unbelievably fun time with this, and I'm kicking myself for having slept on it for so bloody long. The cast is all fantastic, with Williams in particular proving why he's such a respected talent in the entertainment industry by not only playing a real arrogant jerk of a villain, but also scoring its undeniably catchy soundtrack. I've yet to explore much of actress Jessica Harper's non-Suspiria film roles (mostly due to laziness), but I had no earthly idea she was also a GREAT singer. Had the whole acting thing not worked out at all, she could have made a killing in the music industry. Finally, there's reliable Gerrit Graham (The Critic, Child's Play 2, TerrorVision) who plays a fabulously flamboyant glam rocker simply known as "Beef." He arguably steals the show every time he's on screen, and his inclusion not only exists to help move the story along, but to also serve as part of another great aspect of Phantom: its subtle takedown of the music industry and its shameless attempt at jumping on board of trends. Hell, look no further than the inclusion of Swan's own pet project known as "The Juicy Fruits," who undergo more than one genre transformation throughout its running time. Now that I think about it, perhaps that's the only minor complaint I have about this eccentric project: I wish it was longer.

I don't have much more to offer when it comes to gushing over Phantom of the Paradise. It's audacious, stylistic, loud, and very colorful. Most of all though, it's fun! This is the kind of movie that I wish Rocky Horror could have been (no disrespect to that crowd though), and it's a shame that people still sleep on it. Go find it however you can (I viewed mine on an on-demand cable TV channel) and just kick back.... for the hell out of it.

........Uh, you'll understand that if you've seen it. Sorry.

Before I type out the review for this bad boy, I'll just preface it by saying that I've only played the first Five Nights at Freddy's video game and while I don't think it's a bad game per se and it certainly has some nice atmosphere, it was a little too reliant on jump scares and too repetitive for my taste. Call me a boomer, but I'm more of a sucker for stuff like Resident Evil or the first-person Alien games. So, I'm approaching this mostly blind and with no great attachment to the source material. After the whole picture had wrapped up and the credits began to roll, I came to the realization that this was very much the definition of "not for me."

If you're unfamiliar with the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise, the core concept (at least in the first game) is that it's a first-person, point-and-click video game where you play a security guard who has taken on an overnight job at a rundown pizzeria. The main problem arises from having to survive each of those evenings while the homicidal animatronic creatures that roam the restaurant during afterhours try to murder you. Some gig huh? To be honest, with how expensive things have been getting as of late, I can't say that I wouldn't try for some sort of similar gig to pay my own bills. I mean, Dollar Tree is now $1.25 tree? Twenty dollars barely gets you half a tank of gas? But I digress.

Off the bat, I could tell that this was likely going to appeal almost exclusively to diehard fans and unlikely to sway casual, unfamiliar viewers over to its side. Plus, it wasn't too long ago that we got the eerily similar Willy's Wonderland with (a mostly silent) Nicolas Cage, which didn't exactly set the world on fire. Unlike that film though, there are a number of more recognizable faces this time around. The movie adaptation focuses primarily on Josh Hutcherson (The Hunger Games), who takes the aforementioned overnight job from a career counselor (Matthew Lillard of Scream and Scooby-Doo fame) to prevent social services from taking away his younger sister and placing her in the hands of her negligent, asshole aunt (Mary Stuart Masterson from Fried Green Tomatoes). Honestly, that's about the best description I can give considering how this is actually a bit messier than I expected it to be, and most of these characters are as interesting as dried milk. Yes, Hutcherson's character is sympathetic, but there are times where I feel like someone should've provided the poor fella with a cup of coffee. Aside from him, everyone just seems to be going through the motions or has very little to work with. I'll always treasure seeing Matthew Lillard on screen, but he's barely present until the very end (taking part in what was one of the silliest twists I've seen in quite some time). Whereas the human presence in the film is lacking, I did appreciate the work that Jim Henson's Creature Shop put into making some very accurate-looking animatronics. It's just too bad that they chose to spend so much of this film's running time on Hutcherson's frequent dream sequences instead, rather than the impressive practical effects. Oh well.

Five Nights at Freddy's is a little too boring and depends far too often on suffocating the viewers with a quick "boo!" gag as much as it can (so I guess it IS game accurate then). It gets to be very tiresome towards the end and I just didn't see anything that would be able to convince someone other than perhaps little kids to make a return to this universe. Then again, kids/preteens are the primary target audience here, and this could be a nice gateway to bigger and more established horror films for some of them (maybe their parents could lend them a VHS player with some fine gems from the 80s/90s for starters). Ultimately my opinion is just that of a small percentage of people who weren't wholly interested in watching this anyway, but I do see the appeal and do hope that it inspires a new generation to seek out some genuinely creepy stuff. As I said several paragraphs ago, it just wasn't my cup of tea, but I hope it makes its fans happy. Currently, it's streaming on Peacock and playing in whatever cinemas are left closest to you.

Ah, but what better way to finish October than with a motion picture where a VHS player is pivotal to its plot? Somehow, I had never seen Japan's highly influential Ring (or Ringu if you're going to be a real weeb) back when I was trying to seek out as many bizarre Japanese horror films as possible. Perhaps it was never available at the Suncoast Video stores I frequented. Perhaps it was because I favored the gorier side of things (a.k.a. the Takashi Miike stuff) rather than the slower, more atmospheric efforts. Regardless, I decided to finally take the plunge and check out Ring on Shudder and though I do wish I could have closed out October with something more in line with Halloween, I feel like this was a damn fine way to conclude this iteration of Unseen Terror.

I feel as though the concept of Ring and/or its American remake The Ring (also good in its own right) is fairly well known, but I'll give a CliffsNotes version anyway: a reporter investigates the mystery behind a supposedly cursed video tape which causes those who view it to die within seven days. The tales of this tape reach our protagonist Reiko, who takes a particular interest to this rumor when she hears of her niece mysteriously passing away after watching it. Teaming with her ex-husband Ryuji, the two dig around to discover its origins and to find out if there's a way to break this purported curse. Though only a mere twenty-five years old, it's still pretty astonishing to see how much of Ring has been lifted or copied by other motion pictures over the decades (for better or worse). Few could hope to reach this level of creepiness though.

There is so much to appreciate here. The film establishes what it is right out of the gate, yet after its initial, shocking opening, it turns into a very slow burn more akin to that of a mystery than an outright horror film (I understand that this is also the case with the book it's based on). It eases you into its bleak universe, which despite being set in the real world, still feels distinctly "alien." Our protagonists are written very well and are quite sympathetic, which adds to the sense of fear whenever you see the flick's "time clock" pop up on screen every now and then. Ring's most impressive aspect is arguably its atmosphere. It looks far dirtier than I expected it to be, and much smaller in scope. When we finally get a glimpse of the film's most notorious...erm, aspect (a.k.a. one of the first images you're likely to see when Googling Ringu), it's no surprise they turned out the way that they are. It's a terribly depressing world, and only adds to the creepy vibe scattered throughout. I also noticed quite a bit of double meaning in its title and dialogue, but that would be giving away some major plot spoilers so I will only address that with people who are indifferent to reveals.

Honestly, what can I say about Ring/Ringu that assorted video essayists haven't already said themselves? It's a tense, slow burn whose impact is still being felt in the horror genre to this day, and I'm hoping that despite its age, it will still garner some new viewers as often as it can. I'm very happy to put one more stamp on my "J-Horror" card that was long overdue, and perhaps I'll finally be able to seek out Ju-On: The Grudge now as well. Ring is streaming on services such as Shudder and Tubi, with a loaded Blu-Ray from Arrow Video out there for purchase as well.

And with that..........we are done. Sort of. Come back in a couple of days or so if you're interested, because I may have some quick notes and extra tidbits about what didn't make the list (and why), what to expect in the future (if anything), and more. Stay spooky.