Unseen Terror 2022: Catching Up, Wrapping Up, Up Yours

 Y'know, maybe doing these in spurts rather than daily entries is a bit easier for me than I thought. Then again, I'm hoping that when/if I get around to doing this yet again next October, my life will be a little less hectic and full of fewer moments where I want to pull my hair out and strangle myself with it. Anyway, here's the last batch for 2022's iteration of "Unseen Terror." Let's not waste any further time.

DAY 25: 

My familiarity with 1998's Halloweentown, which revolves around a group of kids (whose grandmother may or may not be a witch except she totally is) who accidentally find themselves in another world where monsters live and interact with one another on a normal basis, is.......actually, I had never even heard of this made-for-TV flick until perhaps a year or so ago. I feel as though when it initially premiered on Disney back in the day, I had focused my shift on other programming that catered more to my angsty, preteen self (a.k.a. it's hyper violent anime and "attitude era" wrestling or nothing at all). Still, the list of family-friendly spooky features is nowhere near as impressive as it once was, so I figured that finally adding this to my queue was long overdue. I kind of wish that I had deviated from the norm during the latter half of the 90s however, because for every charming part that can be found in Halloweentown, there is a bit too much in the way of "lowest common denominator" goofiness for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I usually adore a good silly horror/horror-adjacent movie from time to time, but this REALLY relies on you having young ones of your own to watch it with. A lot of the jokes fall flat, though the late Debbie Reynolds' charm does prevent it from ever falling over completely. If I didn't detest the idea of having children or of having people make physical contact with me, I feel as though I would've been into this a bit more. As it stands though, it's still serviceable. Nice to see Judith Hoag of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame pop up in something else too. She's pretty fun and still one of my earliest childhood crushes.

DAY 26:

Another "cheat" day for me. Oh well. Not much else I can talk about when it comes to the wonderful 90s cheese that is Bride of Chucky. It's a silly romp with some very stylish kills and a snazzy script that is unapologetically "90s." I think my only real complaint comes from the lead humans being so dreadfully uninteresting though. I don't know if Andy Barclay was necessary for every entry in the Child's Play franchise (especially given how awesome Fiona Dourif's Nica is later on), but the young lovebirds here (one of whom is played by a very young Katherine Heigl) are just so bland compared to our protagonist from the prior three movies. Still worth checking out, even if it is a tiny bit dated. Soundtrack still kicks an unholy amount of ass though (especially that Monster Magnet song).

DAY 27:

It appears as though The Simpsons duped me this year. Around this time every October, their annual "Treehouse of Horror" anthology airs on television, and in more recent years, ends up on either Hulu or Disney afterwards. Even though I've grown pretty darn tired of the show that I will still refer to as my favorite animated show of all time (if you're willing to forget that it's been bad/below average longer than it's been good at this point), I will always make an effort to watch those however I can. Much to my delight, I saw that the newest entry, which seemed to include a segment solely dedicated to parodying Stephen King's It (more so the 2017 adaptation), was up on Hulu. Then it started, and I realized this was an ENTIRE EPISODE dedicated to this parody. As it turns out, the REAL "Treehouse of Horror" anthology had yet to air on Fox, and this is sort of a special treat to tide us over for the time being. The episode, titled "Not It," is.... fine. Nothing particularly noteworthy other than saying that the animation department deserves a raise for making this look as good as it does (the Krusty/Pennywise character has some particularly nasty-looking transformation sequences) and poor Julie Kavner needs a goddamn break already. A decent time killer, but not much more beyond that.

DAY 28:

Finnish horror doesn't really get discussed too often, does it? To be fair, that's because Finland doesn't have the largest selection of scarier titles to choose from. Hell, off the top of my head, the only one that comes to mind for me was Dark Floors (previously reviewed here) and the less said about that one the better. I do recall finding the initial trailer for 2022's Hatching on the always reliable Bloody Disgusting, and once I heard it described as one of the freshest takes on the "body horror" subgenre, I was fully on board. Plus, every poster I've seen kinda slaps.

Thankfully I was not disappointed in this rather creepy and bleak flick, and I think it will stand out as one of the best of this year's marathon. The story is centered around a young gymnast named Tinja, whose sole purpose in life is seemingly that of pleasing her arrogant, somewhat delusional mother. As an active "influencer" and vlogger, the mom is content on presenting herself, her husband, and her children as the ideal, average, yet pristine family that one could hope to become one day. After a strange set of circumstances leave Tinja having to mercifully kill a crow that her mother thought she had disposed of (it's a long story), she comes across an egg that (seemingly) belonged to the bird before its death. Tinja nurtures and cares for the egg in secret, but when it finally hatches, what emerges is something that will shatter the mind and change Tinja's life forever. 

The earliest comparisons that were being thrust towards Hatching's way were to that of the early 2000s gem Ginger Snaps (and not just because of having some deceptively gnarly-looking practical effects). While I do think that such a thing is unfair, it also isn't completely unwarranted. Without giving too much away, many of Hatching's themes and plot developments are not-so-subtle metaphors for puberty, breaking free of restraints, and "becoming" a woman. Tinja (played wonderfully by Siiri Solalinna) is a tragic character, whose peaceful demeanor and insistency that she can't displease her mother, echoing that of a few people that I know personally (and I'd argue to say even myself). You are truly rooting for her through all of the chaos. The rest of the supporting cast is also quite exceptional, with actress Sophia Heikkila playing perhaps the most detestable parental figure I've seen in a good while. It's the kind of performance where you have to really remind yourself that there is a good chance the actress is a wonderful person in real life, but man is she good at convincing you that she plays rotten people well.

Hatching is a truly remarkable and occasionally unsettling feature that will proudly sit as one of the better viewings from this year's marathon (unless you're an animal lover. There are a couple of scenes in here that are pretty upsetting to see). I'm always happy to discover new oddities from other parts of the world to add to my "favorites" list, and I'm also happy that we have another new female voice in the horror genre in the form of director Hanna Bergholm, whose career I'll be keeping a close eye on. It's currently streaming on Hulu in Finnish w/ English subtitles, and it has a pretty brisk running time to boot!

DAY 29:

I have not ventured out into the theater nearly as often as I used to pre-pandemic, and despite the fact that the highly lauded Barbarian (written and directed by Zach Cregger of The Whitest Kids U' Know fame) seemed to be playing for what felt like an eternity (primarily due to excellent word of mouth) I was not willing to risk getting Covid for a second time. True, I do work in retail, but at least there I can back away a bit if I feel like someone is standing just a tad too close to me. Thankfully the sleeper hit made its way onto the HBO Max streaming service about a week or so ago, so I was able to do some last-minute shuffling and properly squeeze it into my queue.

Without giving too much away, I can safely say that I truly regret not seeing Barbarian on a larger screen, and especially in a theater filled with vocal and passionate horror fans. It is structured in a way that certainly feels as though it was designed to elicit as many utterances of "Oh shit!" from an unsuspecting audience. I feel as though the best way to ensure that you enjoy this creepy little oddball is to go into it as blind as you can. Besides laying my eyes on its poster, my only familiarity came from seeing that Justin Long (playing perhaps one of the biggest, self-centered assholes I've seen all year) was in the cast, and he's easily one of the best aspects of this frequently chaotic tale about.... shit, I don't want to spoil much. Well, let's just say that it involves staying at an AirBnB and I'll leave it at that. Cool? Anyway, this is a very tight, well-crafted sick little flick that gives us another new(ish) name to keep an eye on in the world of horror.

DAY 30:

Oh, NOW we get the proper "Treehouse of Horror," huh? This friggin' show, I swear...

Anyway, confusion aside, the annual spooky Simpsons anthology is something I never miss, and much to my surprise, this may have been one of the strongest ones they've had in a long time. The first story is a not-so-subtle parody of The Babadook, with Marge and Maggie serving as the main characters and Julie Kavner doing her damnedest to not sound like she wants to keel over or cough up her larynx. It's probably the most forgettable of the segments, but it wasn't terrible by any means. The second story is undoubtedly the one that has garnered the most attention from old, new, and non-fans alike: "Death Tome" is The Simpsons doing an unabashed love letter to and parody of the classic Japanese series "Death Note." Hell, they even contacted the original studio behind the anime adaptation to animate this particular segment so that it looks as accurate as they can possibly be (without potentially getting sued I assume). Seeing Lisa play the role of Light Yagami and wielding the "power" to end anyone's life if she so pleases makes for some fun gags. It's a cute story and a real visual treat. Finally, the third story is an homage to "Westworld," wherein we discover that the entire Simpsons universe is closer to that of a Disney World-style amusement park. Naturally, something goes wrong, and the "Homer Bot" becomes self-aware while also trying to figure how to get out of this "Simpsons World." Even if you have no interest whatsoever in watching this year's "Treehouse" in its entirety, this segment is absolutely worth tracking down. It is primarily catered towards the "lapsed" fanbase with tons of easter eggs thrown in and it gave me some of the first genuine, hearty laughs that I've gotten from The Simpsons in goodness knows how long. It also features a charming little cameo at the very end from another beloved Fox character. Overall, a damn good surprise.

DAY 31:

It's funny: I don't know how 1980's utterly bizarre and trippy Altered States ended up as the last movie that I would end this year's "Unseen Terror" with, especially since I usually try to go out with either something Halloween-related or with something that is closer to "pure" horror. One could argue that perhaps this belongs more on a monthly "Sci-Fi" marathon than it does on one focused primarily on pure terror, but I suppose I'll be the one to say that this was far more unsettling and unnerving than most of the pictures I've watched during this year's selection. That, and you could make the argument for it being "body horror" even more than science fiction. Regardless of whatever you would like to classify it as, it should be go down as a damn fine experiment in the realm of cinema.

The plot to Altered States is a bit of a mouthful (then again, trying to describe most of Ken Russell's pictures can be rather difficult): William Hurt plays a psychopathologist who believes that our "other states of consciousness" are as just as real as the ones that we experience in our mundane, ordinary lives. He begins to experiment with different means in which to research this: first, he uses a sensory deprivation tank. Years later, he ventures to Mexico where he hears of ancient rituals involving sacred mushrooms and shrubs. He consumes a potion that gives him intense, horrific hallucinations and he begins to wonder if perhaps some of these visions are genetic memories rather than strange visions. To be perfectly honest with you, I do not know if I am even doing the greatest job at describing this. Of course, I can't pretend to sound eloquent if I just typed out "William Hurt does a lot of weird drugs and shit gets strange bruh."

There is a lot to unpack with this fascinating feature. For starters, it's easily the most unique film I've watched during this year's marathon and could arguably outdo any other entry from the past few years' worth of selections on this blog in terms of weirdness. The visual aesthetic and vibe in Altered States is a beast of its own. One may find themselves wondering if the late William Hurt (making his film debut here) may be experiencing morbid visions or flat-out prophesizing, and his performance is simply electric. It also has perhaps one of the more notorious instances of squabbling between a film's director and the author behind the source material that said film is an adaptation from. While I can't say that I've read screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky's original novel, my interest was most certainly piqued after watching this flick. He might've hated Ken Russell's handling of his story, but if there's even a smidge of what was seen here in the book itself, I can't wait to read it.

Altered States serves as one of the finest examples of how to combine sci-fi and horror into one, (mostly) cohesive, terrifying beast that can please both circles while also still doing just enough to potentially entice one side over to the other if they were ever hesitant. The acting and score are equally fantastic, and the visuals are striking enough to make you both want to try every drug imaginable and to never pick up anything that could even be construed as a "substance." It's a real feast for the eyes and the brain, and I could only imagine how this would've gone down had I watched it in another "state of mind."

And with that...we are finished. For now.

Come back very soon though, for I need to issue a proper update about the future of this marathon and give readers a nice little bonus or two. Stay tuned!

Unseen Terror 2020: Days 13-15

My apologies. This has been one hell of a stressful week, so I've been behind a bit on writing reviews this time around. If I could receive some tips from people about potentially switching over to do video reviews from now on, I may just do that for future entries.

Anyway, it's pretty late where I am so let's just get these over with.

 

When Thirteen Ghosts (a.k.a. Thir13en Ghosts) was released in theaters, I distinctly remembering just rolling my eyes at the trailer and outright dismissing it. Similar views were shared by seemingly every film critic across the country, because god DAMN did this thing get torn to shreds worse than even the most idiotic of films to come from the horror genre. Over time it seems as though the movie has garnered a bit of a cult following, and a lot of modern horror critics champion the flick for being what amounts to essentially a bloody funhouse ride (it IS a loose remake of a William Castle work after all). And you know what? They're absolutely right, and I'm willing to eat a big bowl of crow in regards to my initial, unfair disdain for a picture that I hadn't even bothered to sit down and watch.

Thirteen Ghosts' fairly basic concept revolves around Arthur (Tony Shalhoub) inheriting a rather large fortune (and most importantly a house) from his deceased uncle. When he, his kids, and their nanny decide to settle in at the new place, they soon discover that it is infested with a number of malevolent spirits. They're joined by a psychic (Matthew Lillard) with connections to Arthur's uncle, and they begin to look for a way to escape the wrath of these violent souls. I gotta tell you right off the bat: the story is pretty damn dumb and very predictable if you've ever watched even one paranormal horror film. The acting is also insanely over the top, with Lillard and antagonist F. Murray Abraham competing to see who can chew the scenery better (though their on screen interactions are sadly kept to a minimum). Lillard in particular seems like he is trying to channel his best Nicholas Cage and Aliens-era Bill Paxton. Without him, I don't know if the film would be nearly as enjoyable as it is. Unfortunately, a lot of the other cast members are just kind of.....there. Shalhoub is doing a perfectly fine job, but his daughter (played by American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth) feels like an afterthought and ultimately turns into nothing more than a damsel in distress. I'll give props where they're due though: the titular ghosts themselves make for some unique-looking monsters.

Far from a masterpiece, but definitely nowhere near the turd that would make Roger Ebert's "Most Hated" list just four years after its release, Thir13en Ghosts is worth a quick watch if you are searching for some entertaining early-2000s schlock. Heck Lillard's performance alone is worth the rental price!

My familiarity with 1982's Madman came from only ever seeing its poster at both video stores and assorted message boards. It's a simple, yet effective design that stands out even amongst the sea of seemingly endless slasher movies that would be dumped into theaters during the decade of excess that everyone loves to romanticize these days.

I wish I could say that I liked the actual finished product itself though. As far as expectations for this year's Unseen Terror marathon go, this is the first real disappointment I've experienced (those later Texas Chainsaw movies don't count because I had no expectations for them). Madman boasts a recognizable lead performer in the form of Gaylen Ross of Dawn of the Dead and Creepshow fame (albeit under a different name), but outside of her presence and a couple of admittedly nasty kills, it's a very standard "summer camp killer" motion picture. There are far too many moments where it just slows to a crawl, and while I'm normally content with slow burns in the realm of horror, this was starting to put me to sleep and make me wish that I was watching The Burning instead.

In fact, unless you're a slasher completist, go do that instead before wasting your time with this one.

I was fully prepared to review the yearly episode of Treehouse of Horror from The Simpsons, until I realized that I had actually jumped the gun a bit: that doesn't air until this upcoming Sunday. Much to my surprise, I discovered that I never got around to viewing LAST YEAR'S episode though, so the day was saved. And it's....fine. If you know me, I've never been shy with expressing my adoration for Matt Groening's most famous creation(s), though after the tenth or eleventh season, my interest starts to wane. Despite the dip in writing quality and the show's insistency that it be even more "pop culture friendly" these days (seriously, an ENTIRE episode based around Lady Gaga coming to Springfield?), these anthology episodes are something that I try my damnedest to stick with. The episode opens with a surprisingly funny parody of The Omen that also reminds us that this is the 666th episode of The Simpsons. Best. Coincidence. Ever? The first full segment is a Stranger Things parody that centers around Milhouse disappearing and feels like more of an excuse to shit on the character's repeated attempts to win Lisa's heart. It does have an amusing ending gag though. The second story is essentially what would happen if Homer died, went to heaven, was sent back to Earth due to a botched deal with Google, but couldn't return in his own body. It provides a few chuckles here and there, but save for seeing how many bodies Homer can "take over," it's probably the weakest of the lot. The third and final piece of last year's Treehouse of Horror is a parody of The Shape of Water with Selma Bouvier falling in love with a captive Kang. It's fairly cute with an ending that recalls one of Futurama's more bizarre plot twists and episodes, but something struck me as being very depressing while watching it (plus the aforementioned opening): Julie Kavner really needs to just settle down and retire. She sounds like she can barely pull off ANY of these voices anymore, and seeing as how she recently turn 70, I think she's earned a right to just count her money and let them audition a new Marge. I know that might sound blasphemous, but at this point I don't really care. Anyway, this episode as a whole is perfectly cromulent.

That brings us to day fifteen's Arc de Triomphe: the absolutely batshit insane Tobe Hooper-directed creation known as The Mangler. I have VERY specific memories of this Stephen King adaptation: while I never saw the film in its entirety as a kid, I do recall seeing its opening sequence and being absolutely flabbergasted at the sight of a middle-aged woman being pulled into a giant laundry press and being turned into a bloody pile of mangled (hardy har har) flesh. Anyway, after that very memorable moment, we're introduced to office John Hunton (portrayed by a mushmouthed Ted Levine of The Silence of the Lambs fame) who is naturally disgusted by the news of this very unusual death. He reconvenes with his brother-in-law Mark, who just so happens to be an expert demonologist and after several more mishaps around the area involving large appliances and gruesome deaths that are all linked to the blood covered apparatus, is convinced that the press is possessed by an unknown entity.

In the traditional sense of the word, The Mangler is not a good movie. The acting is comically over the top, the concept ludicrous, and the scares mostly muddled in trying to gross you out more than genuinely scare you. It is also insanely fun, which is no doubt due to whoever was in charge of casting. Levine getting the chance to portray a hero for once in his career must not have settled well with him, because he still acts a bit squirrely like he did in the film that made him famous years before this was released. He has nothing on the immortal Robert Englund however, who is designed to look (and seemingly act) like he belongs in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic or television series. Every moment that he appears on screen, the world of The Mangler just gets better and better. Stephen King's original short story that this is loosely based on was a largely humorless one, but with how silly and joyous the final product is here, you might have trouble believing that the two are even affiliated with one another.

I've seen The Mangler get annihilated by some horror historians over the past couple of decades and that makes me very sad. If you can't have the same type of fun with a gloriously wacky, violent, and unusually charming flick that I had, I feel a little sad for you. Much like Thir13en Ghosts, it most certainly won't go down as a classic in any field, but it is provides you with an undeniably entertaining time.