Unseen Terror 2018: Day 3

The Japanese have launched a probe dubbed "Helios 7" into space, in the hopes that it will study the planet Jupiter and return to earth after three and a half years with a collection of data. Unknown to everyone, the device is overtaken by an alien entity, and Helios 7 is later seen careening towards the South Pacific. It crashes into the water, and the "passenger" exits after choosing to inhabit the body of a cuttlefish. In the meantime, photographer Taro Kudo has gathered an entourage to head to the mysterious Selgio Island, which is rumored to contain giant creatures previously unseen by the human eye. While there, they meet some island natives and discover that they worship something referred to as "Gezora," which is revealed to look very similar to a certain type of mollusk found under the sea...



Since its inception in 2011, I've tried to include at least one Kaiju-related project for Unseen Terror. The results have been rather mixed (to say the least), but I've been lucky enough to be exposed to solid flicks like the Japanese cut of Rodan and 2016's stunningly great Shin Godzilla. That doesn't mean that a fanatic such as myself has seen every "guy in a suit" movie released to date though, and given how wide Toho's catalog is, there's bound to be a few flicks that slipped through my hands when given an opportunity to watch them for this marathon. In 2018, one such movie is 1970's Space Amoeba (a.k.a. Yog-Monster From Space), which was the first foray into that decade from noteworthy distributors Toho Co. It's amassed a small following, but is mostly forgotten by casual fans of this genre. After sitting through its running time of eighty-four minutes, perhaps there's a valid reason for that.


One very important thing to remember about Space Amoeba is that it marked the first Toho Kaiju Eiga project without the involvement of Eiji Tsuburaya. For those of you who are not aware of that name, he is most well known as the special effects director for the Godzilla franchise, and even helped co-create the "Big G." He is also the mastermind behind the equally influential Ultraman series, and is viewed as a rather prolific and important person in the realm of Japanese cinema. Due to his sudden death, I'm certain that the crew and figureheads were still reeling from this loss, and his absence can be felt throughout. Nothing feels quite as impactful without his supervision from behind the scenes, and the usual staples found in previous entries of the studio's filmography seem underwhelming this time around. The special effects, though somewhat competent, feel slightly average rather than vibrant. On the flip side, Space Amoeba manages to sport three different monsters that are actually all fairly neat, if not unspectacular in terms of designs. The giant cuttlefish Gezora looks great when he isn't actually attempting to "walk," and his brief appearances underwater aren't too shabby either. The giant matamata turtle Kamoebas is perfectly serviceable too, and kind of cute in an ugly sort of way. Giant crab Ganime is perhaps the biggest disappointment, as its screen time is mostly limited to the final seven minutes or so, and it fails to deal any real damage to our heroes or the island natives. Only two out of these three beasts would see returns to this world over the next several decades, though one is via stock footage and the other as a corpse post-Godzilla attack.


Plot-wise Space Amoeba is a bit jumbled, though certainly unique. There were moments where I had to pause the picture just to try and put all of the pieces together without saying "Why are these people here exactly?" The plain jane characters don't necessarily help to keep your attention either, and the usually great director Ishiro Honda can't get series veterans like Akira Kubo (Destroy All Monsters, Throne of Blood) and Kenji Sahara (Mothra vs. Godzilla, War of the Gargantuas) to turn in performances that even by "giant monster movie" standards are still fairly weak. Worse yet, the score provided by the tremendously talented Akira Ifukube is nothing to write home about compared to what he's capable of turning in (Space Amoeba's most memorable composition is just a reworked piece from King Kong vs. Godzilla). Still, as mixed up as the storyline can be, there are some rather neat aspects in Space Amoeba that you weren't really getting around the time of its release. As what I can assume is a throwback to their earliest efforts, there is no heroic, gargantuan protagonist, nor is there even military that can come for backup. It boils down to the tried and true formula of man vs beast. The concept of an organism that infects a host, causing it to grow thirty stories high, is akin to something seen in television shows like Power Rangers, and the fact that this group of humans are far from stupid is a rarity. Well, minus one specific sequence. Earlier in the picture, someone says "Well, I don't believe monsters exist until I see one." Given the future appearances of the aforementioned creatures in Godzilla sequels, then one must assume that this is all set within the same universe. There are kaiju attacks occurring nearly every year around the world, and especially in Japan. They make the news. Your taxes help pay for it. THEY. ARE. REAL. Therefore,

Space Amoeba isn't the worst Toho-produced kaiju flick that you'll see, but I could only see diehards feeling the need to own this one. Other than sporting some halfway decent designs and humans who aren't complete incompetent cannon fodder, nothing is altogether very memorable, and by the time that things finally start to get fun, most of your interest has already waned. Still, I didn't completely dislike the picture, and it could make for a fun marathon watch with some like-minded friends. This second-to-last flick directed by Ishiro Honda is free to stream for Amazon Prime members, and Tokyo Shock released a DVD quite a few years ago that is close to going out of print. So, if you have a strong desire to watch city folk fight against a giant crab that also briefly fights against a giant long-necked turtle, you might want to make that purchase as soon as you can.



If you can't act in time, then maybe you should just turn on a BBC doc-

….Crap, I already made that joke.




Anyway, come back tomorrow for day 4, where in space, nobody can hear you rip off other franchises...

Into the Hive Presents: End of the Line (Part 5)

At the time of this writing, the 89th annual Academy Awards is less than thirty minutes away from airing. So, without further adieu, here are the remaining twelve choices in my personal countdown, and what would be considered my take on a "best of" list.

12. Green Room



If you're expecting me to gush over Jeremy Saulnier's intense, horrifying, and all-around excellent follow-up to the riveting Blue Ruin, then I have some very bad news for you: I've done it before. And if you have access to Amazon Prime, you can view this story about a touring punk rock band who is forcibly locked inside of a neo-Nazi club after they stumble upon a murder scene for no extra charge.

11. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story



If rebellions are built on hope, then director Gareth Edwards' prequel to the original, titular juggernaut from 1977 delivered the best one that we could have asked for. Admittedly, the new batch of characters aren't nearly as well-rounded as they should be, but they are all instantly memorable and chocked full of the traits and characteristics that made us fall in love with the franchise oh so many decades ago. The final battle on the planet Scarif is the modern day, fantasy equivalent to the opening sequence from Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan.

10. The Nice Guys



Much like yesterday's entries such as Popstar and The Handmaiden, writer/director Shane Black's (Lethal Weapon, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) hilariously clever action-comedy-mystery thriller was managed to near-perfection in every subcategory. The plot, though slightly tricky to pay attention to at times, revolves around two private investigators and their decision to take on the case of a missing adult film star. The Nice Guys was an undeserving bomb at the box office, though the lot of folks who did bother to see it during its opening weekend were treated to witty, snappy, and smart dialogue coupled with a surprisingly interesting narrative and developed cast of characters. Thankfully, HBO Go users can track this down and make it up to themselves by catching it now rather than later. Plus, Shane Black is still getting the chance to direct a new Predator installment, so maybe there was still a bit of light in the dark for the uber-talented guy?

9. Hell or High Water



Admittedly, I'm cheating by throwing this neo-Western flick onto my list, because I only managed to catch it less than a week ago. Attributing this to laziness or lack of luck from the Redbox (cue me shaking my fist angrily at getting two different copies that would not play) will only get me so far though. Regardless, I was ecstatic to finally view what many of friends were calling a triumphant effort in the crime/thriller genres, and they were not wrong whatsoever. Chris Pine (Star Trek) and Ben Foster (3:10 to Yuma) play a couple of brothers from west Texas who have been robbing banks in order to pay off a reverse mortgage on their mother's house. Meanwhile, an elderly sheriff portrayed by Jeff Bridges (The Big Lebowski, Crazy Heart) begins to track them down; expertly piecing together their patterns and next likely targets. Hell or High Water sports a killer list of performances, a GREAT soundtrack (composed by musician Nick Cave and graphic novelist Warren Ellis), and a wild sense of uncertainty. I imagine that over the years, this one will likely grow on me.

8. Arrival



Perhaps the most scientifically accurate depiction of how our own top experts would react to communicating with other world lifeforms, the quiet, slow burn known as Arrival was showered with praise even before it managed to hit theaters (and justifiably so if you ask me). Amy Adams, who absolutely deserved an Oscar nomination for what could easily go down as the best performance of her career, is fascinating to watch and listen to. If you're going into this one expecting another version of entertainment akin to, say, Independence Day, then you will disappointed beyond belief. Those with an open mind who are seeking truly original visions in the occasionally predictable world of modern science fiction will find Dennis Villeneuve (Sicario)'s newest effort spellbinding.

7. Sing Street



Take a good coming-of-age story, throw in elements of The Commitments and School of Rock, and mix in a dash of less-than-stellar Irish upbringing, and you've got one of the better hidden gems of 2016. There's so much amusing charm permeating throughout its brisk running time that you can't help but fall in love. I firmly believe that it was a bit of a crime that writer/director John Carney's (Once) story about a young man who sporadically forms a band in order to impress a girl who hangs outside of his new school didn't make its way into more theaters during its initial theatrical run. It sports a fantastic list of original (and copyrighted) songs, earnest performances, and above all else, has a ton of heart that is undeniably easy to identify with. Seek this one out however you can.

6. Captain America: Civil War



Wait, you're going to debate me on a comic book movie being so high on my personal list? Well, to quote the picture posted above, "I can do this all day." Watching the Marvel Cinematic Universe come together has been an absolute treat, so being given the opportunity to watch the world within it start to unravel and fall apart is equally as thrilling, if not slightly morbid. A story about the concept of accepting the consequences for your (rather big) actions is the most basic way to describe the plot of Civil War, but in a way, this is the true Avengers sequel that we deserve. Though most battles in this are fought amongst the heroes themselves, they are exciting, brilliantly choreographed, and have real meaning to them. Even if I'm slightly concerned for the state of the team and their future once Infinity War has come and gone, at least we have a tremendous piece of work right here to watch on repeat should we choose to.

5. Zootopia 



I love to root for the little guy, and truth be told, that was why Kubo & The Two Strings was originally slotted to appear above Disney's Zootopia. In the end, however, I concluded that this little ditty is just a better picture all-around. It sports very important, and relevant lessons for younger viewers, offers commentary on racism that is so desperately needed in a climate that has unfortunately been overtaken far worse than it ever has been, and serves as a great reminder than you should never be held back from your dreams because they aren't what your "type" normally achieves. Oh, and it's very funny to boot. Did I mention that?

4. Hidden Figures


For once, the Academy Awards actually seems to be acknowledging the amount of incredible motion pictures that African-American filmmakers and/or actors have been churning out over the past few years. The true story of three black women who worked as mathematicians during the "space race" days of NASA was one of the easiest films to root for and get fully wrapped in, as it was just smart enough to not alienate itself from general audiences, but also not blatantly pandering to Joe Public. Everybody was in fine form here, including Empire queen Taraji P. Henson and even The Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons (if you know me, I can go on for hours about why I loathe that show). Though it feels like the movie was slightly shunned in favor of more Hollywood-friendly flicks (a.k.a. La La Land), it's still a great one to track down and add to your queue.

3. Lion



Perhaps one of the most emotional, and slightly overlooked movies of the year, the true story of a young Indian boy who becomes lost on the streets of Calcutta, only to be adopted and seek out his biological mother twenty-five years later is stupendous. Dev Patel reminded us of why people loved him so much in movies such as Slumdog Millionaire, while Nicole Kidman churns out a very somber performance as the woman who just wants her child to be happy, even if he may not be of her own flesh and blood. Yes, the first half of Lion is a little stronger than its second, with a very Charles Dickens-esque aesthetic and structuring, but it doesn't detract from the overall experience. Plus, young newcomer Sunny Pawar is just so adorably innocent, that you may want to take him home with you yourself......but that could be considered illegal very soon. Fucking Trump.

2. Fences



Okay, yes, this adaptation of August Wilson's award-winning play of the same name doesn't fully separate itself from just feeling like a big screen version of a stage production, but god damn, that is such a small, insignificant complaint about this powerful, crushing story of a working-class African-American father attempting to raise his family while struggling with his own problems in life. The always fantastic Denzel Washington sits in the director's chair for the first time since 2007's The Great Debaters, and brings this polarizing, often-times unlikeable lead character to vibrant life, while simultaneously managing to ensure that the immensely talented Viola Davis finally secures her first Oscar win. And by Lemmy, if either of them go home empty-handed after this, I will be legitimately upset.

1. Moonlight


After finally catching a screening of Moonlight, I wasn't quite sure if it would even end up in my top five. But over time, it managed to do what the best of the best usually do: it stuck with me. As outstanding as every other movie is in this entry, this is haunting, oddly poetic, funny, gut-wrenching, and beautiful tale of a young African-American boy and the various stages of his life (each separated by chapter cards representing his different nicknames) is levels above them all. Moonlight's most fascinating and important aspect comes from lead character Chiron having one other distinguishing characteristic about him (that is unjustly ignored in nearly every trailer): he is a homosexual. Yes, we have been treated to a number of stories about how difficult it is to grow up in "the hood," but as long as I can remember, we rarely, if ever see stories such as this one. Actor Mahershala Ali (Predators, House of Cards) steals the show as one of the main character's earliest parental figures, and every actor of every age who plays Chiron is breathtaking with their range and emotion that is put forth on screen. Moonlight isn't just a good coming-of-age film, and it isn't just an incredible motion picture from a very talented African-American filmmaker, but for my money, the best movie of 2016.



And there you have it! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to watch a bunch of crusty, rich white men snub the best aspects of cinema from 2016 in favor of the stuff that was....still okay?

Into the Hive Presents: End of the Line (Part 4)

See? I lived up to my promise! The fourth part of the (now) yearly rankings that I have started is up for your reading pleasure. Alas, I can not promise you that these following summaries will be as lengthy as some of my more "legitimate" reviews are, but hopefully I can convince those of you who are still curious to check some of these out in what spare time that you may have these days.

24. Sausage Party



Yep. I ranked an animated comedy about potty-mouthed food items discovering what their (grisly) purpose in life truly is above a movie directed by the Coen Brothers, a Tom Hanks-led picture, and a god damn Marvel movie....no, I do not give you permission to drug test me. However, I can strongly recommend that you check out my full, unbiased review that I typed up back in the month of August. I still stand by my statement that this was the funniest motion picture that I saw in 2016.


Well, until a few months later at least.

23. The Shallows



Speaking of previously-written thoughts, should you have a couple of minutes to spare, here was my prior review for this awesome, unexpected horror/thriller. Without giving away too many details found in that link, I can only say this: if you had told me that the director of the much-maligned House of Wax remake would manage to make a basic concept such as "Blake Lively is stuck on a rock in the middle of the ocean, and a Great White Shark is trying to kill her" work so effectively, I would have dismissed you as truly insane. Instead, what we get is the first truly scary shark film in what felt like an eternity. Bravissimo!


So, how can you top an aquatic killing machine whose sole mission seems to be centered around eating Ryan Reynolds' very talented wife? Who do you turn to for help?


As always, the clear answer is....

Which leads us to....

22. The Witch



Coming seemingly out of nowhere, writer/director Robert Eggers crafted one of the most peculiar, unique, and all-around creepy motion pictures in the realm of horror that managed to stand out in the crowd. I went into The Witch completely blind, knowing nothing other than the setting and the title of the movie itself. Because of that, it took me by surprise when I observed that all of its dialogue was influenced by/lifted from authentic colonial works. This makes the story, which revolves around a banished, secluded Puritan family's attempts at surviving as rumors of evil spirits and the rumored work of darker forces threaten to destroy them all, much more interesting. One has to wonder how much of this fear has been brought about by religious insanity and how much has come from the dark lord's actual influence. If you are seeking originality out of this genre which has been (wrongly) maligned as lacking truly original visions these days, I highly encourage you to track down a copy of this beautifully-shot, well-acted, slow burn of a gem, and let yourself be sucked into its world. And come on, wouldst thou like to live deliciously?

21. Moana



It almost feels utterly pointless discussing Disney's latest foray into their tired and true animated realm (this also being their first musical since that one particular project of theirs flopped sooo hard), but I feel the need to get something out of the way before explaining as to why this is placed so high on my list. After my screening for Moana, the tale of a chief's daughter who seeks to right some wrongs made by a demigod ages ago, I was impressed, but not necessarily blown away. Perhaps it was because of two other animated motion pictures having been released to theaters beforehand that bothered to take bigger chances and attempted to appeal to a larger variety of audiences (I will not spoil as to what those were), or maybe it was due to my belief that the story, though fun, is very basic underneath it all and lacking a memorable antagonist. In the end, those are honestly very minor quips about an otherwise very impressive effort from the hard-working crew at Walt Disney Animation Studios: Moana is packed full of vibrant colors, a phenomenal voice cast (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is on top of his game, and even sings!), a slick sense of humor, and a fan-friggin-tastic soundtrack that is impossible to remove from your head once the first couple of songs have ended. More importantly, it is a great lesson for younger viewers (especially girls) to never abandon your dreams, stick to your guns, and never choose to live a secluded, drab life. Over the next four years, sincerity and advice such as that is going to be sorely needed.

20. The Handmaiden



The truest example of why some directors just shine when they are in their natural element (or when they are free from the boundaries of Hollywood), Oldboy director Park Chan-wook returns to his native South Korea with a vengeance, and delivered one of the more stunning, evocative, and criminally underrated flicks of 2016 with The Handmaiden: a loose adaptation of author Sarah Waters' historical novel Fingersmith. Ever since bursting onto the scene more than two decades ago, Park has developed somewhat of a reputation for throwing a number of twists into his own projects. More often than not, they end up leaving you feeling unclean, aghast, or violated. Given that the film's plot revolves around a poor girl hired by a conman as part of a plan to get on the good side of a naïve Japanese heiress while he himself simultaneously seduces her, you can expect that nothing will be what it seems on the surface. The fantastic mixture of psychological torture and flagrant eroticism (some of the sensuality in here could have earned this an NC-17 rating had it received a wider release) works so effectively, that the rather long running time of 145 minutes will go by quicker than you think. Yes, efforts such as these don't always work, but it is delightful watching a respected filmmaker get the opportunity to work with so little boundaries and managing to pull it off.

19. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping 



This fun mockumentary from the Lonely Island crew, which consists of Saturday Night Live alums Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, and Akiva Schaffer, chronicled the ridiculousness relating to the state of the music business in the 21st century. The former plays an egotistical artist whose own solo career has been on fire ever since splitting from his former bandmates. With the release of his sophomore album around the corner, the need to stay successful and relevant becomes higher than ever before, and once mediocre reviews start coming in, everything begins to fall apart. The troupe's style of satirical humor and constant quips have carried over from cult favorite Hot Rod, though they feel sharpened and more consistent than its predecessor ever did. Much like Zoolander 2, it never shies away from poking fun at the absurdities found throughout the entertainment industry, and manages to pack in a large number of celebrity cameos. The main difference, however, is that unlike that pathetic excuse for a feature-length film, these result in some very uproariously hilarious moments. Sadly, Ben Stiller's rather horrendous sequel won in the end, as Popstar was one of 2016's bigger commercial disappointments. Perhaps as time goes by, its reputation and word of mouth shall grow stronger.

18. Deadpool



Come on, you don't have any valid excuse for having not seen this already. It's a perfect handling of one of the most un-PC, witty, and all-around wackily violent antiheros in all of comic books. This is especially shocking when you consider how badly he was treated in the deplorable and widely-despised X-Men Origins: Wolverine (which takes quite a beating throughout Deadpool's brisk 108 minute-long running time). Go watch it. Stop drinking your overpriced beer, eating whatever fancy vegan dish you cooked up on the fly, or searching for new Sonic fanfiction. And for the love of Lemmy, do NOT let me catch you doing the latter. You're above that at your age.



But to get back onto the topic at hand, put it on. NOW.



I'M SERIOUS.



GO WATCH IT. IT'S PRETTY DAMN FUNNY. AND SUPREMELY ENTERTAINING.



BUT ONLY AFTER YOU READ THE REST OF THIS POST.

17. 10 Cloverfield Lane



Ahhh, sometimes it's so darn easy just copying and pasting links isn't it? Well, to save you the time, here's my.....wait a minute. I never wrote a review for this?! Shit man, ever since catching this in a theater back in March, I had a distinct feeling that this claustrophobic companion piece to 2008's surprise hit Cloverfield would place rather high on my end of the year list(s). Lo and behold, even among a sea of Academy Award contenders and other assorted heavyweights, it was nice to recall just how darn engaging and intense this film actually was. For starters, you have beloved actor John Goodman (Roseanne, The Big Lebowski, Monsters Inc.) turning in what could be one of the best performances of his career (it's certainly his most fierce) as a paranoid bunker dweller who rescues a young woman (Scott Pilgrim's Mary Elizabeth Winstead) after a car crash. When she awakens, he insists that the outside world is no longer habitable, and that it is safer for everyone to stay below the surface instead. The tension felt throughout 10 Cloverfield Lane is truly unnerving, as the viewer begins to question whether they can separate the truth from flagrant lies. The possibility of the man who claims to be a heroic figure snapping over the most minor of things is higher than seeing that raging cheeto that somehow got elected attack another journalist over doing their fucking job. As the news breaks of this "universe" potentially expanding in the near future, one can only wonder of what will happen next. Will we be lucky enough to explore additional details of a backstory relating to Goodman's psychotic (or is he?) character? Are there more individuals with similar situations in the outside world? Whatever comes about from this, we are still blessed with an expertly-told, intimidating science fiction thriller.



Also, if she ever gets around to reading this, sorry Carrie.

16. Kubo & The Two Strings



It would be truly rotten to not place a monumentally ambitious project like Kubo in my top twenty (it misses out on being in the top twelve because of some very minor flaws). When it comes to the realm of triumphant animation, I feel as though Laika Entertainment doesn't get brought up nearly as much as they should. True, previous works such as Coraline and Paranorman garner a large amount of praise and respect from critics and fans alike, but they aren't beating out Disney or DreamWorks at the award ceremonies. In that aspect, they could be likened to a modern day version of Sullivan Bluth Studios, who in decades prior, managed to compete with (and occasionally surpass) the dynasty headed by that cheery mouse and his cohorts. These type of pictures treat their audience with respect, and aren't afraid to explore territories involving the darker sides of humanity, which include the subject of death. Unlike the visual fecal matter found in Norm of the North, these crews realize that your kids deserve a better quality flick. Though Kubo's story is very basic (your standard tale of a boy who sets out on a journey to find something that will help him defeat an older evil from the past), its true strength lies in the work of those who literally put this together. A good chunk of its cast and set pieces are brought to life through gorgeous stop-motion effect work that is just as much of a love letter to the aforementioned Don Bluth as it is to Japanese legend Hayao Miyazaki (Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke). To date, Laika's newest outing is the first feature to receive Academy Award nominations in both "Best Animated Feature" and "Best Visual Effects," and I firmly believe that it deserves to win both. As imaginative as it is touching, Kubo & The Two Strings shows us just what children's animation can be when honest-to-Lemmy effort is put into it.

15. Godzilla: Resurgence/Shin Gojira



A radiated titan emerges for the first time in this new day and age, which perplexes the Japanese government as to what actions should be taken so that they can ensure the safety of their own citizens. After all, just dropping bombs on the beast famously nicknamed the "King of the Monsters" seems easy in concept, but when you consider the destruction that could come about from it, such an option may not be the wisest to choose from. I could go on for an even longer time about this amazing reimagining/interpretation of The Big G from Hideaki Anno (Neon Genesis Evangelion) and Shinji Higuchi (Attack on Titan), but I believe that kindly asking you to read my full-length review over here would be in your best interest instead.

14. Manchester by the Sea 



When a very somber man receives the news that his brother has passed away, he is surprisingly given custody of his teenage nephew, and the two attempt to cope with what their lives have become (or are about to morph into). I'm not quite certain as to how this did not end up higher on the list, especially when I found there to be very little in terms of flaws with the film itself. Perhaps because it is so frequently dour, that even the brief bits of black comedy never quite landed as well as they should have? Or maybe I'm just being a nitpicking nerd. A tour de force performance from Casey Affleck ensures that he is officially out of his brother's shadow and on a different plain entirely. Audiences may initially find him to be a quiet, unassuming shell of his former self, but during various flashbacks, it is entirely understandable as to why he has turned into the human being that he is. Wes Anderson regular Lucas Hedges also manages to turn in a deceptively good portrayal of the younger man who is handling his father's death in a rather unusual way, but manages to mask his true emotions better than most do. No other film ripped your heart out quite as well as Manchester by the Sea did in 2016, and you may not even be in a hurry to watch it again any time soon. Still, sometimes the best experiences can come from a "one and done," no matter how gloomy they are.

13. La La Land



This is how I imagine a good number of individuals will react to my placement of this outside of the final/top twelve.

Okay, that was more of an excuse to post a clip from the righteously funny Rick and Morty. But I digress.


Yes, La La Land is really, really good. The love story is a simple throwback to the golden days of Hollywood musicals (struggling girl meets struggling boy, they unexpectedly fall in love), the acting is very solid, the soundtrack is worth all of the attention that it has been receiving, the cinematography and choreography are top notch, and the daringness of making something like this in 2016 is something to truly admire. And yet, I still managed to catch at least twelve other motion pictures that never quite felt like blatant love letters to the Academy. It is a very well-known fact that Hollywood LOVES films about the industry and the good old days. This isn't necessarily a detriment towards La La Land itself, but this does mean that the story can occasionally suffer from not really having as much substance as it could. You have to give just as much attention to the technical aspects as you should to the absolutely essential element of the plot. Regardless, it does sport a lot of charm and pizazz, which warrants a solid recommendation and makes for a pleasant experience. If it wins all of the major awards at the biggest event in show business, then I won't be that upset. Besides, nothing can top Crash in terms of undeserving wins, right?






Well, the hard part is over. Tomorrow, "End of the Line" concludes with my personal top twelve flicks from 2016. Maybe we'll see a clash of long-time fictional friends, an intense confrontation with neo-nazis inside of a club, or even a double dose of Janelle Monae?


Only a brief amount of time will tell....

Into the Hive Presents: End of the Line (Part 1)

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I....okay, admittedly it's only been about three months since I posted something on here, but can you blame me for attempting some sort of grandiose introduction? Then again, it would be rather unfair to even think that 2016 will go down as anything other than a very depressing year for anybody who is left with a pulse. After all, we had to bear witness to an awful election that made us appear as a laughing stock to the rest of the world, the United Kingdom withdrew from the European Union in a move that many across the globe called "utterly insane," and we were hit with an unbelievable amount of high-profile deaths from the entertainment industry that seemingly came out of nowhere.


Despite the unmistakable sense of dread that a large chunk of the population is feeling right now, you still have to take the good with the (very) bad, and luckily enough, we had a plethora of solid releases in the realm of cinema to nearly make up for anything that was utter rubbish during the time where we elected that guy who took one of the top 3 worst stone cold stunners as president. Of course, there has historically never been an absolutely perfect year for movies, so yours truly had to sit through quite a few bad ones so that you wouldn't have to. Unlike most "end of the year" lists that you will no doubt be seeing around the internet and in your local bookstore (yes, those are still a thing), I have elected to rank every single one of the special pieces, as it can also give me an excuse to talk about pictures that I never got around to properly reviewing (unless you follow me on Instagram). Today shall be the first twelve, which I suppose you can consider to be my equivalent to what are usually categorized as a "worst of the year" compilation.


So without further adieu, let us move into the first part of what I have dubbed "End of the Line." As we kick off, we pay a visit to someone who has long been a staple of the comic book industry...

60) Yoga Hosers



Ha! You thought it was going to be something based off of a DC Comics property, didn't you? Anyway, I feel as though I ran myself ragged during my written review for Kevin Smith's latest foray outside of his "View Askewniverse," and it almost feels unnecessary to compose any further pieces about the rather poor Yoga Hosers. The tale of two teenage clerks (Smith even has one of them utter the infamous "I'm not even supposed to be here today" line from his debut picture) who get sucked into a plot involving the appearance of Nazi sausages is most assuredly not for his target audience, but it fails to generate any real laughs regardless of whatever demographic it is aiming for. It feels like a movie made solely for his closest friends and family (nepotism is certainly on display here with the casting of daughter Harley Quinn Smith & her bestie Lily-Rose Depp), and is further proof that not every idea that you come up while high on marijuana should make it to screen. Plus, when you manage to pull Johnny Depp into your picture, bury him underneath some horrible prosthetics, and proceed to make him act like a bad impression of a Mad TV character, then you may be in trouble. Hell, even if the first two acts ended up being watchable or halfway decent, the third one is bad enough to keep it grounded at this number in the countdown.

59) Meet the Blacks



Good Lemmy was this embarrassing. If this one doesn't ring a bell to you, fret not: should you ever watch it, it might be forgotten about within less than two days. In a year where we had triumphant pictures in the realm of African American cinema (which will be discussed within a couple of days or so), this sorry excuse for a film that means to serve as a hybrid parody/sequel to the ever-popular The Purge franchise is just pathetic, offensive, and all-around lazy. The writing feels like something that middle school students would come up with upon their first attempt at screenwriting, but with no prior knowledge or understanding of what makes comedies work. The "jokes" are fired out at such an alarmingly quick rate, that you're never left with any time to breathe or even recall those that almost made you chuckle. Perhaps the most horrifying aspect of this mess is the presence of well-respected comedians such as George Lopez (portraying president "El Bama." Hur hur hur) and Paul Mooney. Unless they have drastically changed their opinions over the years, those two were always quite vocal with expressing their disgust with the stereotyping over their own races. Of course, they could have owed the crew and its director a favor, but if that's the case, how big of one was it? Please, stop filming and supporting this type of dreck. And while I have the time to address him, I'd like to kindly ask that Mike Epps stay FAR away from that Richard Pryor biopic if he has any respect for that legend's legacy.

58) Norm of the North



In a year that was filled with stunning pieces of animation that carried important messages for younger viewers and often took chances by including darker themes, 2016 was kicked off by the Lionsgate-distributed, Rob Schneider-led Norm of the North, which was (and I'm putting this lightly) hauntingly crappy. One can only imagine how studio executives must have crafted and conceived this tale about a talking polar bear who tries to save his home. In order to do that, he figures that the best way to accomplish such a thing would be to show every single person in the big cities that he can twerk (which in turn, amazes people to the point where they act as if Jesus Christ himself has returned). While the astonishing shittiness of Norm of the North can be fascinatingly bad to watch at times, it was also one of the few flicks this year to truly frustrate me: its plot becomes rather convoluted (queue the studio heads saying "eh, kids are stupid. Who cares? Let's just do more homophobic and big butt jokes!"), the writing feels dated and cheap, and it blatantly attempts to ape more well-known animated pieces (if you don't agree that the lemmings are a direct ripoff of Despicable Me's Minions, you may not own a television set. Or ever venture outside). Despite a budget of approximately eighteen million dollars, Norm's graphics appear to be ripped right out of a PlayStation 2 title. Unlike those video games, however, I sense that any subsequent follow-ups, which were greenlit before this abomination even made it to theaters, will degenerate and look progressively worse; making this out to appear like Toy Story in comparison.

57) Zoolander 2



In terms of wanting to please its audience, it was hard to think of a more desperate picture that was released to cinemas that WASN'T Zoolander 2. Let it be known: I really enjoy this project's predecessor, and have the ability to quote a good number of lines from it should you ever put me on the spot. If you asked me whether it should have received any sort of follow-up, wherein it would revolve around the seemingly random murdering of pop culture icons and models, I would most likely respond with a half-hearted shrug, and ask that it be done as soon as humanly possible (i.e. not fifteen years later). Much to my sadness, time was not on this motion picture's side, and the only result of Zoolander 2's release and aftermath is that it manages to actually hurt the original piece's legacy as a result of this entry being so lackluster. Yes, there are a very, VERY small amount of laughs to be found when you aren't being suffocated with obnoxiously forced celebrity cameos (including Neil deGrasse Tyson of all people), but most of them come from throwbacks to the original film. Of course, that begs the question of why wouldn't you just save your money and watch that instead? Especially since, save for Ben Stiller himself, there just seems to be so much disappointment on the faces of everyone involved with Zoolander 2. Truthfully, I do feel remorse for even putting this so low, as Stiller himself treated this as if it were a passion project. And yet, if that was the case, why not go with concepts that you AREN'T as passionate about next time? I'd rather you take a chance on something different than churn out an unnecessary, unfunny sequel.



Which reminds me.......

56) Independence Day: Resurgence



Ahhhh, that was the easiest segue in the world.



First off, director Roland Emmerich's newest big budget catastrophe (whose own title is a fairly accurate description of whatever resembles a plot) loses points with me solely based on the fact that it led to fan favorite companies Funimation and Toho Pictures being forced to rename a specific Japanese release for Western audiences. Why you might be asking? Because they were afraid that people would confuse the two pictures with one another. As stupid as they may sound, trust me when I say that people can constantly surprise you when it comes to being easily confused by similar-sounding media (yours truly has spent twelve years in the world of retail after all). Luckily, I am here to help those in need who are searching for an easy, quick way to help differentiate the two flicks: Godzilla Resurgence, the thirty-first entry in a franchise that has been (unfairly) dismissed and stereotyped as "dumb," actually has some real strong commentary about the state of Japanese politics hidden beneath the expensive destruction in his newest rampage. It's gorgeous to look at it, features some top-notch acting, a large amount of smart dialogue, and is just a real pleasant surprise. Independence Day: Resurgence, on the other hand, sports an often-confusing narrative, ridiculous twists that even those with the ability to suspend disbelief will find stunningly stupid, racial caricatures that would make even Michael Bay cringe (something which carried over from its 1996 forefather), and most surprisingly, a shocking lack of fun. It also reflects the evolution of the "summer blockbuster," as some of these effects and ideas feel like they were lifted from an assortment of superior pictures over the last two decades. Was actor Will Smith's decision to opt out of this and instead stick with the equally-maligned Suicide Squad a wise one? Hell, given that nearly every other veteran from the prior film has a look in their eyes that echoes the most sorrowful of moods, I would venture to say...I guess so?

55) God's Not Dead 2



Jeez, even I didn't expect there to be so many sequels filling out the bottom twelve so far. I suppose that such a thing reflects on just how poorly and/or hastily made some of these were though, right? Unsurprisingly, the follow-up to one of my most despised propaganda pieces in recent memory can't quite come in towards the very bottom because at this point on, I feel slightly sorry for many people involved with it. You start with one of my first childhood crushes in Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa Explains it All, Sabrina The Teenage Witch) turning in a blatantly overdramatic performance as a teacher who goes on trial for bringing up Jesus in a classroom discussion about Martin Luther King Jr. Suddenly, she finds herself in a heap of trouble and on trial, with the evil ACLU threatening to strip away her teaching license forever and prove that once and for all, GOD IS DEAD. *cue evil laughter*


Okay, so only a small percentage of the above sentence is actually uttered in the film, though I will leave it to you readers to figure out which part it is. Still, the fact remains that these filmmakers believe that making the American Civil Liberties Union (led by Twin Peaks veteran Ray Wise), who have gone to bat for free speech of even the worst variety, look like evil antichristian devils out to ruin every single believers' lives, is just laughable.

God's Not Dead 2 has this idea that all of its fanbase are just dying to hear straw man arguments for ninety minutes interspersed with awkward subplots involving pastors who look like MacGyver and a portrayal of a Chinese father and his son that is so bad, it appears as though the writers were hoping for it to draw us one step closer to a nuclear war. Instead of potentially improving upon your initial product, it's just a boring, stupefying, irritating, and preachy mess.


And if my religious comrades still aren't convinced to stay away, I must warn you: Mike Huckabee has a cameo in it......


.......Ugh, even Zoolander 2 knew where to draw the line.......

54) 31



In a way, writer/director Rob Zombie's latest foray into the horror realm, the very "Running Man"-inspired 31, shares a lot in common with Kevin Smith's aforementioned Yoga Hosers. Both have come out after a brief three-year-long break and they are from filmmakers whose previous body of work, while not always consistent, was usually discussed positively among their peers and legion of devotees. Released to theaters for essentially one whole day, it wasn't entirely shocking that 31 wasn't picked up for wider distribution, as the film does sport a good amount of uncomfortable moments and occasional brutal violence. Then again, the man responsible for films such as The Devil's Rejects and House of 1,000 Corpses has never exactly been a favorite of the MPAA, so it seemed like an honest-to-god miracle that this made its way into any Cineplex whatsoever. The story of 31 revolves around a small group of carnival workers who get sucked into playing a game of survival against a group of psychotic clowns, who are unleashed upon them by wannabe powdered aristocrats (led by A Clockwork Orange's Malcolm McDowell). The story, while fairly simplistic and rudimentary, sounds like it could make for an entertaining experience, but much like Zombie's previous flick, it is far more concerned with style and "being cool" than being scary or even unsettling. Given that this was conceptualized and written within a rather short amount of time, I'm not even sure that the former White Zombie frontman himself seemed to know what 31 should end up being. Some truly bizarre and scattered dialogue (a staple at this point in his filmography) ends up coming across as ludicrously childish and annoying, and although Batman Begins star Richard Brake manages to make the best of what he has been forced to memorize (his presence, though underutilized, is enough to keep it out of the bottom five), the entire product as a whole just feels forgettable and worse yet, often lazy. At least Malcolm McDowell can now say that Mr. Magoo isn't the worst thing he's ever taken part in.

53) Gods of Egypt



Hey look, it's a dead horse! Who wants to take turns beating it some more?!


Honestly, what can I say about this expensive dumpster fire that hasn't already been uttered by every single newspaper, magazine, or website across the country? This pastiche of God of War, The Mummy, and a bad Saturday morning cartoon will almost certainly be up for every award at the yearly Razzie Awards, and given how idiotic, ugly (Big Bad Beetleborgs features better costume designs), cheap (Terminator 2: Judgement Day has superior CGI), dull (overacting that makes Gerard Butler's villain seem grounded), and whitewashed (if you can count more than two or three Egyptian and/or Middle Eastern actors, I will buy you a coke) it is, I wouldn't be completely opposed to it sweeping every category. The most depressing aspect of Gods of Egypt comes from knowing that it has the name of Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) attached to it. During its initial theatrical run, the director lashed out rather harshly at critics for disliking his newest project, and likened them to vultures. Well, unless my memory is hazy, those birds feast on dying creatures and rotting carcasses. Therefore, even you must be admitting that your movie is a stinker Alex.

52) Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice



You know, almost a full year has passed, and I feel as though this much-hyped crossover clash took far too much of a thrashing to warrant it actually topping a multitude of "Worst of the Year" lists. Yes, it is a dumb, confusing, lengthy (the director's cut that appears on its Blu-Ray release runs for over three hours), unexciting, poorly edited, poorly acted (I'm still staring at you with disgust Jesse Eisenberg), and just all-around messy production, but....I've seen far worse. In fact, I was sincerely debating rotating this and my next two entries on this countdown around with each other, as they all essentially feel like the same inadequate misfire. If you haven't already read my initial thoughts after I saw it in theaters, click here for the rundown. I'm honestly too tired to go through arguing about this one again.

51) Suicide Squad



Speaking of tiresome, what exhausted me about discussing Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice was doubled in the frustratingly clunky big-screen adaptation of one of DC Comics' most notorious antihero collectives. Yes, Will Smith as noted assassin Deadshot is arguably the highlight of the picture, and Jay Hernandez's El Diablo comes close to resembling an interesting character (until he suddenly turns into a leftover sketch from Thor: The Dark World towards the end of their confrontation with the hilariously terrible Enchantress), but I just felt so bad for this flick's entire existence. Writer/director David Ayer was given approximately six weeks to write a script AFTER a release date was scheduled, they were forced to go back and shoot additional sequences because test audiences/executives thought that the film wasn't fun enough (note: it didn't work out), and the entire experience is noticeably edited like they were in a hurry to get it out while the buzz around "superhero" films was still hot. Even Jared Leto's portrayal as The Joker is the least of this production's worries, as he is barely in the thing. Anyway, I already tired myself out breaking down how and why I didn't enjoy this particular experience, so go check out my full, unedited thoughts if it interests you in the slightest.

50) Batman: The Killing Joke



As with the two entries above, here is my full-length review for the animated adaptation of Alan Moore's celebrated, yet controversial Batman story that deals with not just the complex relation between the caped crusader and his most well-known adversary, but also as a potential origin story for one of the oldest comic book creations of all time. If you don't feel like clicking that link, I shall attempt to sum it up in two sentences. Despite some fairly good animation and solid voice performances, the first act of the picture (which consists of original content that does NOT come from its source material) is so ghastly and wretched that it actually manages to twist the Killing Joke storyline into something entirely different, and not in a good way. If you were one of the few who felt that Moore's writing and use of Barbara Gordon was offensive in the 1988 graphic novel, then you haven't seen anything yet. Perhaps this should have been done as a short film instead, or remained untouched altogether.

49) Nine Lives



In terms of technical aspects, the Barry Sonenfeld-directed Nine Lives is worse than every other motion picture that I have mentioned so far (yes, even Yoga Hosers). After all, it is essentially a really bad take on The Shaggy Dog, but with Kevin Spacey in place of Fred MacMurray and Tim Allen, and it being a feline rather than a canine. But dear Lemmy is it gloriously shitty. The CGI cat , whose own sound effects are provided by a grown man who was being paid to screech and howl like you would around an excitable toddler, looks like it was lifted out of a mid-1990s straight-to-VHS release, and nobody bothered to actually spend any money by hiring animators who knew even the slightest bit about how to make something look halfway believable. SpaceyCat (someone trademark that damn it!) does its business inside of Cheryl Hines' purse, in what we can assume is punishment for divorcing Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm. It also falls out of a window at one point, but somehow finds its way into a limo for hijinks. SpaceyCat breaks into an alcohol cabinet and drinks an entire bottle of whiskey out of a water bowl. Come to think of it, a plethora of the cast also drinks throughout the film's running time, and it wouldn't have surprised me to find out that most of them were severely inebriated when the cameras were on. If you have access to certain likeminded individuals or, well, "film enhancers," Nine Lives can make for one hell of an entertaining time. If you don't, the possibility of enjoyment is still there, but c'mon, you might as well live a little if you're going to sit through a picture starring Kevin Spacey trapped inside the body of a pet cat that Christopher Walken dubs "Mr. Fuzzypants."




And with that, the true turds have been dealt with. Come back very soon for the next twelve, which may or may not include a ninety-minute advertisement for an outdated video game, a disappointing step back for a franchise that seemed as though it was getting back on track to being respectable, and a love letter to mafia flicks that somehow managed to wrangle Paul Sorvino into its cast....

Ryan's Best and Worst of 2013: Part 3 (Cinema)

Boy. When it comes to converting days to weeks, especially for the purpose of this blog and my writing, I am in dire need to do such a thing, especially since this is long overdue. This could be the only rational explanation behind putting out my final picks for the best and worst of 2013 during the first day of MARCH. But, given that the next iteration of the Academy Awards is just around the bend (tomorrow to be more approximate), let's just dive right in and churn these out, shall we? As always, keep in mind that lists like these are entirely subjective, and as mentioned in my previous posts, I did not get around to checking out everything that I wanted to (I still need to watch 12 Years A Slave, Dallas Buyers Club, and Gravity). I've also ensured myself that this will not stand in 2014, as my goal is to view a new film at least every two weeks if time and money are kind to me. True, there are also a significant amount of more important things to strive for, but in terms of keeping me inspired for writing, I believe the quantity must be increased manyfold. In addition to my top ten favorite pictures of the year, there will naturally be a bottom five listed below, just to appease the folks who enjoy watching or hearing about me suffer. Why bottom five as opposed to ten? Because I'm not going to suffer for longer than a certain duration of time, that's why.




THE BEST




10. Star Trek: Into Darkness

If you're wondering where in the world my review for this big budget bonanza is, then you'll have to keep wondering, as I was simply too busy to type up a full review while seeing this in a Maryland theater (it also coincided with the rather hectic and time-consuming Maryland Death Fest). What I can tell you is that while I was never a passionate fan of the series in any of its iterations, I did enjoy some of The Next Generation and at least one of its many films released during its tenure on television. I've never understood why director J.J. Abrams has gotten so much slack from long time fans, especially since he's dragged this franchise out of the muck and bad review piles, and into the smart, well-acted, and all around engaging blockbuster piles now. Speaking of acting, Benedict Cumberbatch needs to play as many villains as humanly possible.




9. This Is The End

Why yes, I am indeed putting an apocalyptic stoner comedy in my top ten of the year list, and there isn't anything you can do about it! But in all seriousness, the Rogen/Goldberg formula doesn't always necessarily deliver on the laughs, and I was terrified that this would be a self-serving vanity piece that would be more for "their friends" than an actual paying audience. Luckily, I was proven wrong, as this proves to be one of the funnier pictures I've seen from this troupe and crew since Superbad in 2007. It was also chocked full of darkly humorous nods to the horror and disaster film genres, which is always a welcome addition with this bearded weirdo.




8. In A World…

Lake Bell's directorial debut was one of the truly perplexing pictures of the previous year. In that, I mean it seems to have been largely ignored outside of a few smaller independent award gatherings. A true shame, as the women poured her heart and soul into a fantastic little comedy-drama that I've already discussed about at length on here. It was equal parts inspiring story and feminist power tale without being overly pushy or obvious. Oh, and it may alter your perception of the "sexy baby" voice on women forever.



7. The World's End

This is another one that I've already talked about at length on here, so I'm not sure about what else to say. Smart, witty, unique, and all around fucking hilarious, this was probably the best comedy of the year that you (yes you) didn't get around to watching yet. In fact, you should watch it twice, as I'm certain that repeated viewings will help you pick up little things you never noticed before. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost switching roles worked surprisingly well, and the fight sequences rivaled anything seen by bigger American productions. While I'm sad that the "cornetto trilogy" has come to an inevitable close, Edgar Wright is a tremendously talented man, and I'll be awaiting (and following on twitter) for any future projects that the Englishman and his tremendous troupe of friends will churn out.



6. American Hustle

And here is where I expect some complaints, as I'm sure this ended up on numerous folks' top five list, with some even making it their choice for the best picture of the year. Heck, it even seems to be a shoe-in for "Best Picture" at tomorrow night's Academy Awards. So why only number six? Because I saw six films that I personally enjoyed more you cro-mag. If I didn't enjoy the picture, why would I have it on my own "end of the year" list? All of my mini-rambling aside, the acting here is top notch, the comedy and character drama are spliced together exceptionally well to the point where it just feels pretty seamless, and the story, as complex as it may get at times, is a fairly solid and well-thought-out one. I absolutely loved the background story of how Christian Bale and Amy Adams' characters first met, and Jennifer Lawrence is the best blonde actress working in the business today.




5. Stoker

While it was met with a fairly mixed reaction from critics and fans, I was utterly fascinated by Chan-Wook Park's American film debut, and mesmerized by its very dark, and often-times disturbing story of a family falling apart following the re-emergence of a lost and forgotten relative. Again, I've talked about this quite a bit before, so feel free to travel to that "search" bar near the top to seek out my original review. Or better yet, go visit your local Redbox and give this very odd horror tale a go. Even if you hate it, there are parts that will stay glued to your brain for some time.



4. Mud

I never got around to seeing Dallas Buyers Club in time for this recap/best of list, nor have I ventured into the realm of True Detective just yet. However, I did get around to seeing Matthew McConaughey's first step back into stardom with this incredible picture. A modern take on the "coming of age" formula made popular by old classics like Stand By Me, this was just as heartwarming as it was heartbreaking. Again, with the death of video outlets around the globe, you owe it to yourself to head to a Redbox or "Mom and Pop" outlet (if they still exist) and watch this as soon as you can. Unlike Stoker, I don't see this dividing audiences, but rather uniting them with a very tender and relatable story.



3. Blue Ruin

This motion picture's wider release can't come soon enough, and I'm beyond happy that they're receiving one to begin with. Director Jeremy Saulnier's sophomore outing is a real killer picture (pun possibly intended), with the director and his crew pouring their blood, sweat, tears and very hard-earned cash into a dark, violent, and even occasionally humorous revenge picture. As I said in my review from November, when I was first lucky enough to catch this, it turned out to be easily the best film I watched at this year's Cucalorus Film Festival in Wilmington, North Carolina, even if it was only one of three films that I was able to catch. Haunting and taut, Blue Ruin is up there in stature and importance with older classics like Blood Simple and Chan-Wook Park's Vengeance trilogy.




2. Her

A part of me wants to berate writer and director Spike Jonze for making me shed tears in a theater for the first time since Toy Story 3. Another part of me, that which towers over the other, wants to ask how in the world one comes up with such a beautiful, unique, amusing, and most importantly, ORIGINAL film such as this. I'm certain that like Joaquin Phoenix's main character, we all feel heartache and loneliness from time to time, and even question about what truly constitutes a relationship in this day and age. You may find the idea of a grown man in love with an operating system to be absurd, but once you have surpassed the twenty minute mark, it isn't whatsoever. In fact, the last thing it deserves is damning from any individual walking the planet. What does deserve damning is the lack of an academy award nomination for Scarlett Johansson's performance as Samantha, the operating system in question. It brings to mind another question, that of if a performer needs to be physically present in order to captivate and garner attention (see Andy Serkis' performances). I don't believe so, but hopefully someone will persuade the Academy to change their minds someday.



1. The Wolf Of Wall Street

Come now, are you really surprised that I chose this as my favorite film of the year? Martin Scorsese rarely misses in the realm of pictures dealing with crime, drugs, fame, and excess. In fact, he revels in bringing these pictures to life just as much as Jordan Belfort, the title character, seems to revel in all of the mostly illegal activities listed above. But then again, calling Wolf a crime picture might not be completely accurate, as this could also be categorized as a very vulgar and dark comedy if you come into it with an open mind. Well, that and you're not offended by profanity nearly every few seconds. At nearly three hours long, making it through The Wolf of Wall Street may seem like a task to finish at first glance, but once you're sucked into the story, all the more enhanced by Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill's nearly-perfect performances (and I rarely use the "p" word on here), the time flies by quicker than a penny stock sale to a poor, uninformed customer. I'll even go so far as to say that this is up there with Scorsese's Goodfellas in terms of memorability and importance, though its own debauchery far surpasses that of Henry Hill and his friends. To paraphrase Chicago's infamous professional wrestling crowd, "If Leo doesn't win the 'Best Actor' award, we riot."



And that should do it for the best of the best. There are some honorable mentions worth noting though, including the creative and very cool American Mary, the refreshing ghost story known as The Conjuring, Pacific Rim, which was an unabashed good time for a giant geek like myself, and Elysium, director Neill Blomkamp's second foray into science fiction-based action pictures.


But for every action, there is a reaction. And for every enjoyable picture, there are those which are the visual equivalent of watching a human being run around naked while eating a bowl of excrement. These five pictures are…not as bad as that visualization, but they are still my five least favorite films of 2013.



THE WORST:



5. A Haunted House

I realize now that I was entirely too kind to this film. In fact, I'm convinced that I may have been on numerous prescription drugs that day, since I clearly recall saying that the film, while bad, wasn't offensively terrible like I assumed it was going to be. This early prognosis has been shattered by the revelation that there is a sequel coming out within no time to this very lazy, homophobic, idiotic, and just all around boring motion picture that attempts to pass itself off as a parody. I want to say that the Wayans Family legacy has been severely hurt by this film's existence, but WHAT legacy?




4. Grudge Match

With apologies to certain people perusing and/or reading this post, I really couldn't believe as to how bland and just plain awful this so-called comedy was. Robert De Niro mercifully redeemed himself with a minor role in American Hustle, but Sylvester Stallone should know better by this point. Come to think of it, every single person involved in this cast should have known better, though Kevin Hart may have just taken this for a paycheck and an opportunity to work with prolific actors and actresses. Fun fact: I almost saw this picture twice, as before my screening of The Wolf of Wall Street began, the reel for this started to play, and I had to tell an usher that the wrong picture had started. Thankfully, it took me approximately five seconds to realize that this horror had begun, and the day was saved.




3. Movie 43

This now infamous sketch comedy anthology has had nearly every insult and bad review in the book thrown at it, and every actor and actress has been chastised for even participating in it, be it for money, as a favor, or by accident. So what more can I of this largely undiscovered blog add to the table? Well, I'd be putting nowhere near as much effort as Peter Farrelly did in assembling this, but I'd be trying to my damnedest to make certain that you receive more chuckles than this festering pile of feces produced. And there weren't many. Truth be told, the final segment "Beezel," written and directed by the usually reliable James Gunn and starring a cartoon cat sexually obsessed with his owner, may be worse than either of the other films listed below in their entirety. Keep in mind, this is the same James Gunn that is also directing the upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy adaptation. I'm not saying that you should approach that picture with caution, but his inclusion here may cause you to think less of him.




2. Identity Thief

I've ranted about this picture at length before, but in recent months, my initial thoughts of "it just isn't that funny" were downgraded, transforming into something along the lines of "I want every character here to die slowly." Identity Thief's own lack of effort and awful, cringe-inducing forced storytelling is especially insulting towards those who have been the victim of identity theft themselves (of which I was the victim on three separate occasions in 2013). The only sensible and redeeming conclusion this picture could have reached would have been if Jason Bateman decided to throw Melissa McCarthy into oncoming traffic after setting her on fire. Instead, it drops a subtle hint of a possible sequel down the line. Oh no.




1. InAPPropriate Comedy

There's one question I'm sure my friends and coworkers would ask me after I tell them that InAPPropriate Comedy was the worst picture I've seen in many years: "What did you expect?" I expected nothing. Absolutely nothing. I go into a large portion of movies with a completely open mind, believing that even at the bottom of the barrel, you can still find something positive worth mentioning and pulling out. I enjoyed T.I.'s performance in Identity Thief, and I didn't despise the "Superhero Speed Dating" segment of Movie 43 (even if it was blatantly stolen from an internet sketch that came out beforehand). For crying out loud, I even got one insignificant chuckle out of Meet the Spartans, which stood as the worst picture I had ever seen for at least five years!

There is not a single thing to like about this film or any of the "sketches" involved. It is the equivalent of an annoying preteen tying you up and squirting you with a super soaker filled with horse urine and sulfuric acid. Director Vincent Offer (yes, the same man behind the Shamwow and the Slap Chop) somehow manages to out-Movie 43 the previously released Movie 43 by trying to shove as much racism, sexism, stereotypes, and ripoffs into eighty-three minutes as humanly possible. Adrien Brody's performance as "Flirty Harry" is proof that we need a new rule set by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences where one's oscar can be taken back if they help set a new standard for horridness in film. I also pray that I never meet Ari Shaffir in person, since his recurring sketches revolving around the character known as "The Amazing Racist" draws the wrong kind of heat, making you want to punch the actor in the face, and not the character. I also wonder if any effort or thought was put into the "Blackass" sketches, which are outdated and could cause one to gauge out their own eyes in hopes that a nearby neighbor would skullfuck them to death. This isn't uptight "conservative" speak either mind you, as films like This Is The End and The Wolf of Wall Street were also quite crude, but managed to pack in genuine laughs. All that InAPPropriate Comedy manages to do is make you feel sorry for Rob Schneider.

If you're still wondering about how I feel about InAPPropriate Comedy, let me just sum it up with five simple words:

Well, there you finally, and I do mean FINALLY, have it. I hope you folks enjoy the Oscars and the "best of" pictures that I recommended. Shockingly, I'll be watching in hopes that someone gets drunk and pisses all over the usually smug and well-behaved audience. That, and I want to see who wins in the major categories. Isn't that why people tune into those sort of things?


I'll also be returning very soon with more reviews, including something special in anticipation of Legendary Pictures' reboot of my childhood favorite Godzilla. So stay tuned!