Unseen Terror 2024: The 50s Were Odd (Days 3 & 4)

Yep, here be the annual giant monster movies. And this time, they’re a trio of B&W flicks too? What a treat!

 

Anyways…

 

I have a funny history with spiders: one of my earliest memories of horror films was being scared terribly by 1990’s Arachnophobia. It was so bad that I couldn’t sleep even after the film was long over and my dad kept insisting and stating that spiders weren’t going to crawl into our popcorn or burst out of the walls. Even though the flick is (rightfully) marketed as more of a horror-comedy, it got under 7-year-old Ryan’s skin more than certified hood classics such as Alien or The Exorcist ever did. And yet, less than a year later, the fear was all but gone and I went back to loving them. Time is a strange thing.

 

That being said, I’m somewhat surprised that it took me over thirty years to watch 1958’s schlockfest Earth vs. the Spider (renamed to just The Spider at the last minute by the studio, but whoever edited the opening credits must’ve missed the memo), as it is discussed in a staple VHS tape of my childhood called “Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies.” I’ve talked at length about this compilation in the past on at least two separate occasions, but it is essentially a collection of assorted monster movie trailers with everything ranging from classic pictures like Godzilla & assorted Ray Harryhausen projects to pictures like At the Earth’s Core and Son of Kong. Even as a kid though, I wondered “why does the titular monster just look like a blown-up spider instead of an actual prop?”  This was before I knew what “composite” films were, and even if I had gotten around to watching this as a child, I think seeing “spider handler” listed in the opening credits should’ve given away the fact that this wasn’t exactly going to be of the highest quality.

 

Sure enough, I was 100% correct. However, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing in the case of Earth vs the Spider, because it’s almost so incompetent and cheaply made that it’s quite charming. Hell, I’d even bet audiences at the time would’ve been laughing at this as much as I did. The primary cast is full of people who are FAR too old to be playing teenagers (and some could’ve had children of their own at that time for all I know), but not too young to understand ‘B’ movie acting. The plot, for what it attempts to have, has a couple of “teens” go in search of one of their missing parents, only to stumble into the lair of a big spider that screams like an elderly woman yelling with a stomachache because she ate too many enchiladas. They escape, and eventually the spider gets out and causes trouble. I honestly couldn’t tell if the scenes of panicked crowds were lifted from other films, but what I COULD tell while watching this picture was how badly they treated the tarantulas used throughout. I don’t want to sound like a buzzkill (and this might not mean much to anyone who hates arachnids), but scenes of a “comatose” spider are clearly that of an already deceased one flipped upside down, and a quick scene of someone scooching a regular-sized tarantula off a table also bummed me out, as they are surprisingly quite delicate creatures. Then again, I doubt that the rules about animal cruelty during 1950s filmmaking applied to anything that sported six or eight legs around that time. Oh well. On the plus side, the closeups of the spider’s legs look like giant pool noodles covered with hay and hair. I also learned that apparently rock and/or roll can revive a monster that’s close to death. Can we try applying that to modern day science as well?

 

This is a perfectly fine and incredibly silly creature feature. It’s nowhere near as solid as something like Them! or the Toho-distributed bangers from Japan, but considering that it cost less than $150k to produce, it’s a fun low budget monster movie to add to your monthly “bad movie nights” that you may or may not do with your friends. If you lack the ability to make newer friends like me though, there’s also a Mystery Science Theater 3000 riff out there for good measure as well.

 

 

Anyways, let’s get on to another flick from the aforementioned Fantastic VHS tape. This one features an intimidating reptile that up until February of this year, never had a single human fatality to its name! Special shoutout to the “Tooth & Claw” Podcast for that fun little bit of info.

 

 

The Giant Gila Monster was released around the end of the 1950s when this kind of stuff was most likely burning out at a quicker pace than expected. It’s directed by Ray Kellogg, who also helped give us the infamously bad The Killer Shrews (of which this played alongside of as a double feature in theaters). Both were shot back-to-back, which may explain why most of this movie feels somewhat rushed and lacking in, well, everything. The plot initially centers around a young couple who goes missing, and instead of wondering if the two lovers could be in danger, the town sheriff is absolutely convinced that they must’ve run off to get married. I have no clue as to how any person in law enforcement (even from that period) would immediately jump to that conclusion and why he’d have such a monumentally huge problem with that. Would he prefer they were cutting one another into pieces or doing hard drugs? I politely ask any of the older generation to give me an explanation about whether this was normal or not. Anyways, regardless of whatever happened to the young lovers, a giant lizard emerges from the far-off world of “Composite Island” to (very) slowly terrorize the world.

 

So, I’ll get the good out of the way first: lead actor Don Sullivan actually wrote all three original songs featured in the film. While the songs aren’t particularly good, it’s kind of nice that he was willing to do that for the sake of hopefully elevating the quality of the film. After all, there have been plenty of below-average pictures with great songs in them, so why not try at the very least? The Giant Gila Monster is also technically a very short watch, clocking in at around the seventy-five minute mark.

 

As for the bad? Well, even for a short, bad ‘B’ movie, it is HIDEOUSLY boring. If you were the watch the trailer for this online, nearly all the “Gila Monster” footage was shown in there. Things don’t get particularly fun until nearly an hour has gone by, which hurts quite bad when you remember what the running time is. Also, it’s technically a Mexican Beaded Lizard being utilized here, not a Gila Monster. Yes, they look similar, but it’s like when you stare at a milk snake and a coral snake (though in this case, both lizards pack quite a nasty bite).

 

While researching The Giant Gila Monster, I discovered that filmmaking junkie and ‘Z’ movie connoisseur (yes, there are grades in this field) Jim Wynorski apparently remade this in 2012. For those unfamiliar with Wynorski’s filmography, he’s done everything from Chopping Mall & The Return of Swamp Thing to nearly every bizarre porn parody you’d catch on late night Skin-amax in the early 2000s. I’m not quite sure if I’ll seek out his updated take (simply titled Gila!), but if I do, there is no way in hell it can be as sluggish as this was. As was the case with Earth vs the Spider, this was also infamously riffed in MST3K, and the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew must be commended for taking on something so uneventful and most likely turning chicken shit into chicken salad.

 

If I were to wrap up this bizarre group of movies from the past couple of days, I figured I’d venture outside of my comfort zone (or rather, go for another 1950s creature feature that ISN’T featured on the VHS) but stay in familiar territory. Thus, we get 1957’s The Black Scorpion, a film about a group of kaiju-sized scorpions who emerge from beneath the earth after volcanic activity disrupts their slumber. Plot-wise this is eerily similar to 1954’s Them!, with the titular arachnids even sporting the same chirping sound that the giant ants possessed. This cheapness isn’t terribly surprising when you consider that both motion pictures were distributed by Warner Bros., who likely thought that general audiences would fall for anything. Given the legacy and historical importance of both flicks, I’d say that they gambled and lost on this one.

 

As for the cast and crew, it’s a bit of a mixed bag. Lead actor Richard Denning (also seen in Creature from the Black Lagoon and An Affair to Remember) is strong, but everyone else around him is hit-or-miss. I did feel very bad for leading lady Mara Corday though; in the same year as this, she also starred in an all-timer of bad cinema called The Giant Claw (reviewed right here!). Poor woman couldn’t seem to catch a break around this time. Hell, two years prior to this and The Giant Claw, she starred in yet another creature feature called Tarantula, which perhaps we’ll review on here one day. The characters aren’t anything to write home about, but there are some attempts at fleshing them out a bit when they’re not being terrorized by these scurrying threats.

 

Oddly enough, The Black Scorpion marks the Unseen Terror debut of stop-motion pioneer Willis O’Brien, who helped bless us with influential projects such as King Kong, The Lost World, and Mighty Joe Young (the latter also featured fellow legend Ray Harryhausen’s first venture into animation work). It’s also one of the final pictures in O’Brien’s filmography, as he would pass away five years after its release. Perhaps because of his involvement, that may explain as to why we’re able to see some of the man’s unused props from prior project King Kong in one scene inside of an underground lair. During the first attempt at killing the monsters, a trapdoor spider chases one of the side characters during its second act, and apparently that creature was intended to appear in one of the most infamous bits of “lost” footage from King Kong. That whole sequence (lovingly nicknamed “The Spider Pit”) will likely never see the light of day unless someone gains access to a time machine. As for the scorpions themselves? Well, the stop-motion effects are quite solid, but the close-up shots of their drooling maws brought to mind the giant spider from 1990’s It miniseries (and that is NOT a compliment).

 

This is an overall very fun, if not dumb and slightly dated monster flick from one of the genre’s pioneers. It isn’t one of Willis O’Brien’s finest hours, but for fans of the old school creature feature stuff and “natural” horror genre, this is one you can add to your collection. Come to think of it, this could for a nice double feature with the aforementioned Earth vs the Spider, all while you use a copy of The Giant Gila Monster as a beverage coaster.

Unseen Terror 2024: Moore is More Than Enough (Day 2)

Before this review begins, I’ll get it out of the way right now: no, this has nothing to do with 2019’s Academy Award-winning black comedy/thriller of the same name. I trust you folks to come up with better jokes than that. I also have to say that sitting through this was a real chore solely because of how many ads are thrown into Parasite’s running time on Plex (its current location for streaming), which seemed to stretch its 88-minute running time to nearly two hours. I guess I can’t complain TOO much about any motion picture being completely free to watch, but boy did it cut into my sleeping habits. Anyways, let’s get this over with.

 

Initially, 1982’s Parasite was set to appear much later in this year’s Unseen Terror, but through the power of sheer coincidence, it’s getting bumped up to the first week. After all, there’s no better way to follow up (arguably) Demi Moore’s finest hour than with her first major picture debut. Prior to this viewing, my only familiarity with this pseudo-Alien knockoff (set in a post-apocalyptic world and centered around an infected doctor searching for a cure to the “parasite” within his chest) was having seen the poster in the background of a couple of random Youtubers’ videos and seeing it discussed in the awesome In Search of Darkness documentaries (must-watches for horror fans of all generations). Color me surprised when I see that not only was this Moore’s first "proper" foray into the acting field, but it’s directed by Full Moon Productions and Empire Pictures founder Charles Band. It’s even stranger seeing that it costars Ghoulies writer-director Luca Bercovici and has early effects work by the late Stan Winston. So yeah, this is just an odd little blip on most of these peoples’ resumés, isn’t it? To his credit though, Winston’s practical effects are perfectly fine (save for maybe the titular creature, which is brought to life primarily through hand puppetry). That might be the only particular highlight for Parasite though, because this is kind of a slog to get through.

 

Firstly, this thing is sllllloooowwww. Not a slow burn, but more on the sluggish side. Setting anything in a post-nuclear fallout environment, no matter the budget, must be at least mildly interesting, but the pacing offers no reward for your patience (other than seeing a hilariously silly scene where Vivian Blaine of Guys and Dolls fame gets her head turned into one of those puppets from the “Land of Confusion” music video, only for a monster to burst forth). There’s also the problem with the side and stock characters, who feel more like geeks and slasher movie rejects than intimidating bullies or wisemen to our protagonists (bizarre to see a post-Runaways Cherie Currie show up before she’d go bonkers on social media). If you told me that they wandered off the set of a Friday the 13^th knockoff, I would absolutely believe you. Finally, there’s the immensely talented Ms. Moore. She is doing her best, but it also feels like she may have misunderstood the assignment here. I’m not saying you need to ham it up (especially this early in your career), but her complete seriousness amongst a sea of silly shit is oddly jarring. Then again, I’m not sure what I was expecting given the involvement of who is behind the camera. If she had set up and continued a string of ill-fitting performances, who knows where her career would’ve ended up?

 

Demi Moore has gone on record saying that she feels Parasite is the worst film she’s ever starred in. While I certainly respect her opinion, I’d still say that Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle or Blame it on Rio takes the cake in that department. Some of the practical effects and some silliness involving laser pistols prevent it from being a total dud, but it isn’t something I’d recommend you seek out immediately. I kept thinking that Dan O’Bannon and H.R. Giger could’ve watched this and considered suing, but I don’t think it’d even be worth the effort. I’d say this is for diehard fans of……..erm, something.

 

And no, I did not watch this in 3-D as it was originally released in theaters. If your film can’t stand on its own without the use of gimmicks like that, then that’s your fault.

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 21-24

1979's Prophecy had been on my radar for longer than I realized, and that was mostly due to a combination of reportedly being one of the better "post-Jaws" animals-run-amuck pictures out there and from containing one hell of a list of performers. I've covered more than my fair share of flicks throughout the years that were obviously inspired by the success of Spielberg's first box office juggernaut, and though most have wielded more misses than hits, I'll never turn the chance to watch mother nature take revenge on the plague known as humanity. The plot to Prophecy can be summarized as follows: Law & Order's Robert Foxworth accepts an offer from the EPA to write about a standoff between a logging company and a Native American tribe near the Androscoggin River in Maine. His wife (played by Godfather & Rocky veteran Talia Shire) tags along and after they arrive, they come to find that both sides blame each other for the mysterious disappearances of workers and members of a rescue team. The natives are convinced that it's the work of an ancient spirit known as "Katahdin," who has returned to take revenge on those who would destroy the land, and judging by the strange discoveries that everyone finds around the area, that explanation doesn't seem so farfetched.

Before you decide to hit Google for any further information about Prophecy, I'll save you the trouble of searching for one particular tidbit: the primary antagonist of this movie is a mutated forest creature that, for all intents and purposes, looks like if the entity from John Carpenter's The Thing decided to assimilate a Grizzly Bear instead of a dog. It is one hell of a strange-looking creation, and the decision to (mostly) keep it out of sight until the final act is a wise choice. The journey to that revelation is a surprisingly compelling and brutally honest reminder that we should take better care of our lands and not be so ignorant when it comes to environmental issues (a message that will probably never be silenced). The list of performers involved in front of and behind the camera seem like they're genuinely interested in this too, and I'm be remiss not to mention the very strange casting of Armand Assante as a Native American (he's of Italian and Irish descent). Director John Frankenheimer (Birdman of Alcatraz, The Manchurian Candidate) and writer David Seltzer (The Omen) work together in an attempt to mold this into not just another Jaws ripoff, and when things hit the fan, you might as well have superglued a Michael Myers mask onto the killer carnivore. As I did briefly mention before though, it does take a bit of time to get there so it might be in your best interest to keep a nice cup of coffee or two nearby. And some of the closeups, though featuring some pretty fair practical effects, can look very dated or downright silly.

It can border on unintentionally goofy at times, but if you're a fan of killer creature features, I'd still give Prophecy a solid recommendation. Such an odd and seemingly undiscovered (at least until recent years) gem has to be seen to be believed, and if you have access to streaming services like Amazon Prime, then you can fire this bad boy up whenever you'd like. There's also a Blu-Ray coming next month from reputable (though expensive) company Shout! Factory, so if physical media is your preferred method, then can throw in your hard-earned cash and wait a bit.

What you SHOULD wait on is finding a physical copy of 1995's Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare. When I was just entering the "double digits" era of my life, I recall seeing several spots for this on television (back when the major networks would advertise many of their exclusive "world premiere" films) and instantly telling myself that I was going to avoid it like the plague. I am not certain if it's ever been mentioned on here before or not, but among the fears that I do have is apiphobia. I can't recall any particular incident or theatrical release which instilled such fear in me, but it's something that has never gone away. Nevertheless, I have to eventually suck it up and unearth something from my past while uttering to myself such classic lines as "It's only a movie." And now that I've finished Deadly Invasion for the very first time, I can safely say that I was a real chickenshit as a kid. I'm glad that I decided not to pair this up with a prior entry (The Bees) because I would have most likely fallen asleep and forgotten everything about that superior product (probably the last time I'll type that).

There isn't much of a story to Deadly Invasion other than "killer bees invade California and decide to terrorize a bunch of respected actors who should know better than to star in this." Much like Prophecy, the most noteworthy aspect of this motion picture is the list of who is involved rather than the quality of the film itself. For starters, we have Robert Hays from Airplane, Nancy Stafford of Matlock fame, Gina Phillips from Jeepers Creepers, and Ryan Phillippe (rocking shitty facial hair that he thankfully got rid of before starring in Cruel Intentions and I Know What You Did Last Summer years later). Dennis Christopher of Stephen King's It (the 90s one) fame also pops in for a criminally short appearance as a bee expert that is so comical you would swear it's a character on Comedy Bang! Bang! The cherry on top was the discovery of Rockne S. O'Bannon as director, and though I know that most filmmakers have the occasional blemish on their resume, the fact that they managed to wrangle the creator of Alien Nation (and later Farscape) into this mess is utterly shocking to me. All of that talent can't save what is ultimately a movie that doesn't seem intent on embracing the camp of mid-90s home video/made for tv schlockiness despite the fact that all of the tools to do so are at their disposal. Hell, the movie opens with the message "The following could be a true story" after what is essentially a rundown on the insects that feels akin to one of those "World's *blankiest* *blanks*" shows. C'mon guys, just go for it.

It's far from one of the worst movies on this year's Unseen Terror, but I found Deadly Invasion to be more unnecessarily boring than entertaining, though it's obviously going to depend on whether or not you watch it with a crowd or by myself. If you aren't shouting "NOT THE BEES!" just yet, then you can easily find this on YouTube. Normally I would advertise and encourage buying a physical copy if you're into this type of thing, but seeing as the price of the DVD averages between $80-150, you're better off saving your money for literally anything else. Heck, I'm sure you can recreate this entire feature with that amount of money.

…….not encouraging that mind you.

I'm a sucker for any newer shark-related flicks to add to my queue, but realized that over the course of nine years, the selection to choose from was dwindling. Luckily Amazon Prime has their fair share of low budget trash on there, so Planet of the Sharks became one of the later additions to this year's marathon. The good news is that with such a blunt, matter of fact title I don't feel like a full plot synopsis is necessary (Waterworld meets Planet of the Apes). The bad news is that almost immediately hitting play, I saw the words "A SyFy Original Picture" and "The Asylum" appear within the span of five seconds.

As I've explained before in the past, I've never been a fan of the Asylum and I doubt that will be changing anytime soon. Planet of the Sharks takes a ludicrously stupid concept and instead of going full cheese with it, they attempt to tell this story with a lot of sincerity. Couple that with CGI that is atrocious (even by Asylum's standards themselves) and long stretches where nothing interesting happens and you've a shockingly dull picture that was honestly starting to put me to sleep when I had it on. The only positive comes in the form of one woman who takes part in an awkwardly-performed tribal dance being used to intimidate the sharks, but she's gone before the first act comes to a close. I'm honestly embarrassed and ashamed that this took up one spot in my marathon when there are so many other pictures that deserve to be recognized for at least giving a shit. Don't seek this out. Let it sink to the bottom of the ocean.




Well, seeing as we're still on a nature-run-amuck kick (which is likely to end after day 24's review is posted below), let's see if I can find something that will get the taste of Deadly Invasion and Planet of the Sharks out of my mouth, shall we?

God bless Australia. They have a knack for producing absolute insane bursts of cinematic violence while also ensuring that tourism will never be a problem so long as these flicks find distribution around the world. Released to theaters in its native country back in 2016, it took a few years for Boar to make its way over here, and thankfully it's landed firmly in the hands of streaming service Shudder, who as I'm slowly discovering this year, is just the absolute best. The story for Boar is fairly basic, with a family traversing Australia before running into trouble in the form of a massive pig from the outback. Plot-wise, this isn't breaking any new ground, but unlike a lot of its other companions in the genre, you do get a chance to genuinely care for some of this cast. It certainly helps that one of our early protagonists is portrayed by Australian cult favorite John Jarratt (Wolf Creek) who is 100% invested in what is ostensibly a thriller about humankind fighting against a massive, wild boar. Concept-wise, a lot of the savvier horror fans will notice the similarities to a similar flick titled Razorback. The cinematography is fairly decent, and every performer brings enough spunk to their roles (some shorter than others). It does lack the psychedelic flair of the aforementioned movie, but does make up for any atmosphere by throwing a plate full of gore and dismemberment your way. There is a good abundance of practical effects being used in Boar, though there are the occasional moments where it slips into CGI that looks noticeably unfinished. There's also a big "fake out" that occurs once you hit the halfway point and I was getting a little flustered by that.


I wish I could write a longer description of why you should check out Boar, but I'm very tired. If you're searching for something shockingly bloody and gory or searching for a great "midnight movie," then you may be luck here. Personally I hope we get a physical copy available to watch sooner than later, but in the mean time, you can check that area to see if it might be hiding in there.



Tomorrow, I'm doing double duty, but that doesn't mean you want someone to harass him. So I'll leave it at that and promise that I'll come back with a vengeance!