I’m still sick. I’m so tired of dry coughing (with the occasional bit o’ mucus). That type of stuff tends to suck your energy out. Anyways, let’s get these over with.
When assembling this year’s list, adding 2024’s Imaginary
was more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. It’s reportedly
maintained a firm position on many fans’ “worst of 2024” lists, even though we
still have 2.5 months left in the year. After sitting through it myself, I can
absolutely see why. The movie centers around a women returning to a childhood
home and her stepdaughter forms a bond
with a stuffed bear named “Chauncey” that she finds in the house, and it becomes
her close imaginary friend. Shockingly, things don’t go well, and it turns out
maybe there’s some nefarious stuff going on with and/or around the bear. Imaginary
is a Blumhouse “FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY” movie (only this came out in March
instead). The dialogue feels like something out of a first draft script, and
nobody bothered to tweak anything to make it remotely scary or create any
likeable characters (side note: stop writing kids as idiots in horror movies.
Save that for when they become delirious teenagers, because it’s slightly more
realistic). There is a twist around the midway point that had me groaning
through my coughing (along with perhaps the most hilariously stupid line ever
uttered by a fictional child therapist) and turned it from a poor man’s Child’s
Play rip-off to a poor man’s “every supernatural-based movie” rip-off. The
worst sin of them all is that the whole experience is shockingly boring, but
given writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s track record, perhaps my faith was
misguided.
I just want to end that mini-review by stating that I don’t hate
Blumhouse Productions at all. When they manage to hit a home run, it’s goddamn
great. But when they misfire? Well, it’s uuuuuugggglllyyy. I would like an explanation
as to why they chose to have this released to theaters, but previously chose to
dump another one of their flicks (the more audience-friendly and joyous Totally
Killer) straight-to-streaming instead. Come on guys, what are we doing here?
Spirit Halloween: The Movie is exactly what I thought
it would be: preteens trapped inside of a haunted retail store that basically
serves as a gigantic advertisement for the seasonal store chain that seems to
pop up in the darnedest places every September. Look, I’m definitely not the
target audience for this, but I suppose that if you have young kids who refuse
to watch any other “family friendly” horror films pre-2000 (which c’mon, at least
try Hocus Pocus or even The Monster Squad if you’re feeling
gutsy), then you could throw this on. Otherwise, you’re better off just walking
into an actual Spirit store and exploring the products yourself. Very cheeky (if
not kind of sad) that this “kids stuck in a haunted house” take is filmed
inside of what appeared to be a defunct Toys R Us though. Also, Christopher Lloyd
is here. Good to see him still working after the catastrophic picture that was Foodfight!
I was a little surprised (and disappointed) to find that 2013’s
horror anthology All Hallows Eve is mostly just repurposed and reused
footage from director Damien Leone’s shorts that originally introduced modern
day slasher Art the Clown to the world of mainstream horror. I also didn’t
realize that Art was never portrayed by the same performer for every on-screen
appearance he’s had. From what I understand, the original actor Mike Giannelli just
wasn’t a fan of the lengthy makeup process that it takes to create the villain,
so he chose not to return and has essentially all but retired from acting
(though reportedly remains on good terms with Leone & co.). Anyways, the story
focuses on a babysitter and two kids who have returned from trick-or-treating
with an unmarked VHS tape in their bag. The babysitter puts it on, and we’re
subjected to three stories (all of which involve Art the Clown in some way).
The first segment is a nonsensical mess that includes a woman being sexually
assaulted by a person in a bad-looking Satan costume and another one having
their unborn child cut out of their stomach by witches. Sounds nastier than it
is, but it’s mostly clunky. The second is a home invasion story with a new
homeowner being terrorized by an alien that likely got its entire wardrobe from
Party City. The third (and arguably the best) of the segments is the closest
one you’re going to get to an actual Terrifier story because it literally
IS the original Terrifier short from 2011. It has some nice gore and
makeup, but that’s about it. This short’s version of Art seems to be more of an
incel too. The whole flick wraps up with a cute “fourth wall break” of a finale,
but I’d say that this is only for Leone and/or Art completists.
Day 15’s film is technically cheating but considering that you can log the entire shebang on letterboxd (and it ultimately amounts to around 85-90 minutes), I’m throwing it on here anyway. Plus, any chance that I get to finally track down something that eluded me as a teenager is always a pleasure. 1999’s Pet Shop of Horrors is a 4-episode adaptation of the cult favorite manga from the mid-1990s. It’s specifically what is classified as a “Josei” manga, which essentially means its target audience is adult women (though not exclusively). The stories tend to be a bit more mature, with romance and even horror taking a nice seat up front. Enter Pet Shop of Horrors, a horror anthology that I became aware of upon its initial release date in the U.S. but was never able to obtain for assorted reasons. (a.k.a. I didn’t have enough friends at the time who were also into horror). It’s an anthology story focusing on an eccentric proprietor named “Count D,” and his strange pet shop located in Chinatown, California. Sure, the stylish and soft-spoken D sells your normal birds, cats, and dogs, but for anyone with more “pressing needs” who desires an animal, there are special exceptions. Some of these pets may even appear human, but any interested parties MUST follow the very strict rules applied to said acquisitions. After all, if any are broken, the shop and its owner are not responsible for what happens. The stories range from deranged to tragic, and every episode has involvement by esteemed veterans in the anime field (Ninja Scroll creator Yoshiaki Kawajiri does the storyboard for standout segment “Despair”). Though there is some bloodshed here and there, there’s no over-the-top gore or anything of that nature. It’s just a lot of supernatural weirdness coated with sins and desires. It’s like Tales from the Crypt with a dash of The Twilight Zone and “hosted” by an androgynous shop owner with a sweet tooth for human curiosities (and chocolate!). There’s a fun overlapping story with a cop named Leon who’s been paying close attention to all the strange deaths across the city and his relationship with Count D almost recalls something from the likes of Thomas Harris novels (though in that case we know Harris’ antagonists are killers, whereas D is just…well, a person who sells animals). I haven’t read the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, but I’m quite curious to see how this would have developed over time.
If you have an open mind and a taste for horror anime, go watch this however you can. Be forewarned though: the dub for PSoH is TERRIBLE. I’ve defended the usage of dubbing when it comes to anime, but the misunderstanding of this source material means that we get a lot of oafish and loud deliveries, and it changes the eerie nature of the whole thing into something resembling a ‘B’ movie. Just baffling. Maybe just shill out a few bucks for the dual-language DVD or Blu-Ray instead. Or, if we're lucky enough, perhaps we'll see a new, updated remake like we've seen for old anime/manga like Ranma 1/2.
No comments:
Post a Comment