Unseen Terror 2023: Lovejoys and Killjoys (Days 14-15)

Don't worry, we're getting close to finishing this godforsaken series and leaving Gatlin, Nebraska forever. In fact, around the halfway point of Children of the Corn: Runaway (the TENTH entry in this franchise that has somehow spawned more sequels than other horror franchises such as Elm Street), I came to the realization that I had already laid my poor eyes upon this flick once before. Maybe it was a drunken rental from the Redbox, but it may have also been due to morbid curiosity. Most likely it was both. Perhaps a lengthy hiatus between viewings and approaching it with little-to-nothing in terms of memories retained would make for a better re-watch. After all, that's been my experience when revisiting flicks like Martyrs and Dead Heat, which I initially didn't care for but now genuinely enjoy.

Despite being more competently made this time around, the plot (centered around a then-pregnant woman who escaped Gatlin) is a jumbled mess with far too many "creepy vision" sequences and a LOT of nothing going. The plot twist in its third act is ridiculous, the color palette makes you wish you were watching other films from around 2018 and before, and all of the franchise's staples are poorly represented (if not ignored). If you're looking to see what other tricks "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" has up its sleeve or want to see some crazy corn-related crap, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I'm genuinely surprised that this has the name of John Gulager attached to it, as I really enjoyed his first directorial debut Feast and even aspects of that movie's sequels. I wonder if perhaps there was someone in Hollywood whose hands he forgot to shake at a dinner party. Around this time, he also took part in the equally dreadful Hellraiser: Judgement, which much like Children of the Corn: Runaway, was also made so that Dimension wouldn't lose the rights to a series that could potentially fall back into talented hands. Digging around a bit I did discover that both of these films shared a filming location with one another, which could explain why both look so hideous and cheap. Truly there is no better way to kill two birds with one stone...at least in the realm of bottom tier sequels. Toss it in the garbage.

I wasn't overly familiar with 1985's Too Scared to Scream, but many moons ago I recalled hearing Chuck Dowling of the BMFCast (and another "31 Horror Movies in 31 Days" maestro) discuss how this was one of the best surprises he came across while he was still doing his own yearly marathon. All it takes is one glance at the cast list and you'll see why I finally decided to give this one a try. For starters, Ian McShane (Deadwood, Lovejoy, John Wick) is in a 1980s horror film! You've also got Anne Archer (Fatal Attraction), John Heard (Big, Home Alone), and Mike Connors (Mannix) on the lineup, with an extra bonus of actor Tony Lo Bianco (The French Connection, The Honeymoon Killers) sitting in the director's chair. An exceptional list of talents that all ultimately end up producing a pretty okay little picture.

The plot of Too Scared to Scream is nothing flashy. Someone has been murdering the tenants of a plush, high-rise apartment building in New York, and it's up to a couple of officers to discover who the perpetrator is. Their primary suspect is the doorman who works evening shifts (a rather handsome Ian McShane), who seems a tad too polite and has a rather eccentric relationship with his mother. Without diving into spoiler territory, it unfolds exactly how you think it will, yet still packs a few surprises in for good measure. While watching, I kept wondering how much of a nightmare it must have been trying to market this to the "blood and guts" crowd which dominated the box office when it came to scary movies. It values substance and procedural work over style yet was still pushed as a "slasher" film (it's got plenty on the "nekkid" side of things though). The poster seems to be a clear homage to the Italian "Giallo" subgenre, but it lacks a lot of the over-the-top nature that is a mainstay of those films. It's also got a lot of "wacky sitcom" moments (the scene with a police informant outside of a nightclub HAS to be seen to be believed) that can occasionally kill the serious tone. Still, it all mostly works. Unfortunately, just when this film was in my good graces, its ending stretch brings the whole thing to a screeching halt and filled me with that same frustration that I felt when I watched Dressed to Kill for the first time (another Giallo-influenced thriller). To call it problematic is being kind.

Too Scared to Scream is ALMOST a great movie. The acting is solid, the style is just the right mix of American slasher, fun 1970s cop TV program, and Italian Giallo mystery, and it's a pretty quick watch. Still, those final ten minutes are VERY rushed and the killer's reveal/motivations kind of takes the wind out of the picture's sails. I'd still give it a recommendation overall, but I was so saddened by what could have been. Currently, it's unavailable for purchase in the states outside of the VHS market and a rather pricey Blu-Ray released by Ronin Flix, but if you don't want to take that approach, there's always the streaming route. Heck, I watched my copy on YouTube (*cough cough*)

Unseen Terror 2023: Loungin' 'Round with Linnea (Days 11-13)

These past few days have been a little on the chaotic side, with my own birthday, sickness, and a bit of depression all delaying my ability to publish fully written reviews. Still, the show must go on. For future reference though, I may decide to publish these in clusters rather than individual entries. It's a little easier for me personally. Anyways, let's stop the rambling and talk about things. More specifically, let's talk about one of the all-time greats in the realm of horror cinema (more specifically, scream queens).

Horror fanatics are most likely familiar with Iowa stalwart Linnea Quigley, but for those who aren't, she's a noteworthy figure in beloved classics such as The Return of the Living Dead (in perhaps its most infamous scene), Night of the Demons, and Silent Night, Deadly Night. Those genre classics are only scratching the surface of the immensely talented 'B' movie queen's filmography though. In addition to being who many would consider the absolute top in the "trashy movie performers" tier list, she's also got a great sense of humor, body confidence, and knows her audience. For no reason whatsoever, I decided to dedicate these last three days solely to pictures starring Ms. Quigley. The results were (expectedly) mixed, but still worth discussing.

There are three things about 1987's Creepozoids that I think are genuinely entertaining: the poster is ridiculously great (though very misleading), the score is surprisingly well done, and Linnea Quigley is a hoot. When one discards those however, you're left with what is ostensibly a very poor knockoff of Alien set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland that looks suspiciously like the back allies and runoffs in California. Also, the word "Creepozoid" is never uttered a single time and the movie just kind of...stops. We get a lengthy fight with a mutant baby that sort of "ends between rounds" if you get my drift. A real slog, though not without some charm to be found. It's out there on Tubi for those who are interested. You can also watch co-star Kim McKamy in other.....erm, ventures if you like what you see here.

In what has to be a first for this marathon's history, we're now diving right into a workout video. Three years after Creepozoids' release, Quigley had become a bit of a darling in the realm of "cult" cinema. During the filming of 1989's Murder Weapon, the actress and another cast member jokingly talked about how physically strenuous it can be to do films of this nature. Thus, the idea of creating a "horror workout" film was born and completed within two days. In it, Linnea shows you how she manages to stay in such great shape all while avoiding zombies and murderers. In the actress' own words, "just because you're dead, do you think you can just let yourselves go?"

To be perfectly honest, I'm unsure of how to properly review Horror Workout. Much to my surprise, this turned out to be more of a compilation of Quigley's scenes from other starring/co-starring vehicles (most clips are from, ironically enough, Creepozoids) and a few moments where the actress breaks the fourth wall even further by jokingly chastising the audience for what she knows they're really doing during her films. Personally, I will plead the fifth. If you want to add this to your queue though, it's available via physical media or streaming (Tubi has the CENSORED version, which seems blasphemous). I'd recommend that if you still wish to spend about an hour's worth of your time (and DON'T want to shell out $23 for a Blu-Ray), it's available to watch on archive.org. I honestly forget that thing exists sometimes.

For the thirteenth day, I was searching far and wide to see if perhaps Linnea had appeared in a Friday the 13th film at some point in her career, but alas it did not appear so. Thankfully, she DID appear in another picture towards the end of the 1980s and while it lacks a killer sporting a jumpsuit and hockey mask, this flick entertains in its own weird way. Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (try saying THAT five times fast) is directed by the same individual who gave us the aforementioned Creepozoids (Full Moon Entertainment mainstay David DeCoteau, also of A Talking Cat!?! fame) and also features Quigley's old co-star Hal Havins from Night of the Demons alongside other scream queens such as Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer. Amusingly enough, all three of these wonderfully talented women have worked with director DeCoteau multiple times throughout the years: aside from having Quigley in Creepozoids, he directed the trio in Nightmare Sisters (also released in 1988) and had Bauer as a supporting character in Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (aka the one where the puppets undergo a face turn and kill nazis. It rocks).

The story is focused on a group of five college students (two of whom are sorority pledges, three of which are peeping toms caught by said pledges) who are ordered to break into a bowling alley during afterhours in order to nab a trophy. While there, they run into a burglar (Quigley) who helps them retrieve the trophy, but during a slight mishap it falls to the floor and breaks. In a very strange twist, an evil imp (calling himself "Uncle Impie") pops out and the story essentially turns into a very silly take on the classic horror short "The Monkey's Paw." Admittedly the bar has been set so low throughout the first half of this year's Unseen Terror, but I got a real kick out of this whole thing. The performances (even if some of them sound overdubbed) are all quite fun and I suspect that everyone knew what they were signing on for here. The evil Imp also sounds like Kevin Michael Richardson doing an on-the-spot impression of Barry White, which is absolutely insane, but it works. True, the kills are nothing to really write home about here, but I feel as though the main goal of SBitSBOR (I am NOT typing that whole thing out again) is just to sit back, turn off your brain, and have some goddamn fun. Thankfully, it delivers that in spades. It's out there to stream on Tubi and I'm fairly certain that there is a Blu-Ray out there to purchase rather easily.

Anyways, I'm off to stuff myself full of medicine and hope I'll be able to type more eloquently for future reviews.

Unseen Terror 2023: Rotting Crops (Days 9-10)

 *sigh*

I didn't fully anticipate returning to this fucking franchise so soon, but I'm going to be rather busy over the next couple of days. Thus, these have been bumped up in the watching order for the marathon. Seeing as how these films aren't exactly setting the world on fire, it's easier to just get these out of the way now rather than later.

Regarding the seventh entry in this franchise, Children of the Corn: Revelation's core plot is nearly identical to that of the previous picture. Swap out a missing mother for a missing grandmother, place a majority of the film inside of a dingy apartment building, and reduce the budget to something that looks like it would be easier to make on an iPhone.........an ORIGINAL iPhone. On the plus side, there is a scene wherein our heroine (who is thankfully nowhere near as idiotic as Part 6's was) runs into two of the atypical, mute creepy children at a convenience store and shows them how to play The House of the Dead. Why you'd be encouraging kids who already have murderous looks on their faces and who never speak to learn how to hold and wield weapons properly is beyond me, but it did make me nostalgic for that Arcade classic. Heck, watching a playthrough of that video game on YouTube would likely produce more excitement than the entirety of this flick. Also, we have Michael Ironside popping in for approximately five minutes as a priest and his presence is always appreciated (he's also the best Darkseid across all media depictions of the fictional villain. Do not argue with this).

I suspect that the "revelation" in Children of the Corn: Revelation is that apparently this is the first film in the franchise to feature nudity but seeing as how I'm not a prepubescent kid anymore, this ultimately means nothing in the long run. Oddly enough, the actress who bares most of everything (Crystal Lowe) has a weird connection to yesterday's entry: both her and Carrie (2002) co-star Chelan Simmons played ditzy best friends in 2006's Final Destination 3 and are both burned alive in tanning beds. Far from a perfect flick, but infinitely more watchable and competent than this pile of garbage.

Children of the Corn: Revelation is bad, cheap-looking (we're talking PlayStation 1-levels of bad computer graphics/CGI) , and dull as shit. Heck, it doesn't even have an overly boisterous, adolescent preacher as is seemingly customary for this series until its third act, and even then, he's overdubbed beyond belief. It's junk. Let's move on.

Over ten years had passed since the release of the dismal Children of the Corn: Revelation and Dimension Films were close to losing the rights to the franchise. Therefore, Part 8 of the series (subtitled Genesis) was rushed into production and spat out from the depths of hell to torment any individual who has yet to consider self-immolation as a way to avoid covering these movies. They also released it under their "Dimension Extreme" line in hopes that it would garner further attention. Said line covered multiple genres, including animal-related horror (Rogue, Black Sheep), horror-comedies (Teeth, Feast II & III), absolute nightmare fuel (Inside), sex comedies starring actors who should have known better (Extreme Movie), and infamous misfires (DOA: Dead or Alive, Hellraiser: Revelations). I could be here all night recanting tales of how many of these studios employed this tactic around this time period, but suffice to say most of those flicks are either collectors' items now or buried somewhere in a Big Lots warehouse. This is all to say that the 8th entry in this franchise (save for a remake/new adaptation of the short story released on SyFy two years prior), despite featuring leads that seem to have decent chemistry, a smaller scale, and a mercifully short running time, is ultimately a waste.

Perhaps the greatest of sin of Genesis is how badly rushed it feels. If you were to tell me that this script was laying around Dimension's offices and it was picked out for a slight retooling, it'd be hard not to believe you. The same thing was prevalent with another Dimension-owned property: Hellraiser. A large chunk of that franchise's sequels were never originally written as Hellraiser films, but with a couple of tweaks here and there, they were dumped onto home video just so they wouldn't run the risk of losing the cenobites to someone who genuinely wanted to make a great movie again (I still haven't seen the 2022 update, though I imagine it can't be as catastrophically bad as Hellworld). Because of that, so little time is dedicated to what even makes the prior entries...well, I suppose I'd say "popular" with its fans. For starters, no kid preachers. Hell, this film barely features any children whatsoever. A majority of its running time is spent watching our heroes (a young couple who seek shelter after their car breaks down) argue with one another, with the late Billy Drago and Hostel's Barbara Nedeljakova chewing the scenery like it's fresh tobacco. Perhaps more baffling is the lack of actual cornfields to be found (unless you count the one seen in actress Kelen Coleman's dream). As lowbrow as this series can be, those are two staples of the series that have to be present. It's like having Jason Voorhees battling campers outside of Camp Crystal Lake or Freddy Krueger without the sweater and dream sequences.

God help me I just lectured these filmmakers about how they're doing the Children of the Corn series incorrectly.

Not much else to say. I'm fairly disappointed in myself that this is the final film I've watched as a 37-year old sad sack who spends too much time on the internet (though it is somewhat fitting). Let's hope better things are on the horizon for this marathon and for the next 365 days in general.

Unseen Terror 2023: Dirtier Pillows (Day 8)

 

While assembling this year's list, I was at a bit of a crossroads when it came to including the necessary Stephen King pick. Yes, I did cover the first six Children of the Corn flicks, but only one of those is an actual adaptation of printed material. Ultimately, I landed on a film that I keep forgetting exists: 2002's made-for-TV adaptation of Carrie. His first full novel was previously turned into a full-length feature courtesy of famed director Brian De Palma, but as is the usual case with the Maine mad man, he disliked the movie. Nearly 30 years later, the tragic story of tormented, bullied, and (eventually) murderous Carrie White would come to life again thanks to writer Bryan Fuller and director David Carson, whose works on television programs (mostly Star Trek-related) were met with mostly praise.

Unfortunately, 2002's Carrie is a bizarre misfire and is arguably a little worse than the next adaptation that would follow eleven years later (previously reviewed here). This is mostly because it both equally tries too hard to stay faithful to its source material and also takes the kind of risks that will end up pleasing nobody in the end. Oddly enough, there are aspects in this version that never made their way into either of the other adaptations. We have the police interviewing survivors of the infamous prom night massacre and Carrie summoning what seems to be small meteors while arguing with her mother (does this make her a contender for "Death Battle" on YouTube?), which were excluded from both the De Palma film and the Kimberly Peirce version starring Chloe Moretz. Faithfulness to the source material is always appreciated, but sometimes there is a reason small parts are excluded from theatrical interpretations: they don't translate well to film. Take another Stephen King project as an example: It. Whichever adaptation of that you prefer is fine, but there are scenes from that book that did not (and SHOULD not) make it into a film because they are either too goofy or just a little too gross.

Cast-wise though? It's perfectly acceptable. I'm a bit of an Angela Bettis fanboy going back to her time in the criminally underrated May, and despite her being nearly thirty at the time of filming, she still does a commendable job as our lead character (though she has been more vocal over the years about disliking the movie itself). There are a few other recognizable performers scattered throughout like Katharine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps, American Mary) and Emilie de Ravin (Lost, Once Upon a Time), but I'm sure the performer that will catch your attention the most is Patricia Clarkson (of The Untouchables and The Green Mile fame), who portrays Carrie's fanatical, abusive mother Margaret. She's also doing perfectly fine, but if I'm being brutally honest, nobody can touch Piper Laurie. The script seems intent on letting the viewer know that she's crazy solely because of hearing others talk about her, whereas in De Palma's adaptation, all one has to do is just look at her and observe even the smallest of mannerisms. Perhaps the biggest complaint about this motion picture comes from the utterly insane twist the filmmakers decided to come up with during the final ten minutes. Spoiler alert at the end of this review for those who care.

I just can't see any real reason to watch 2002's Carrie unless if you're say, the type that has to watch EVERYTHING with Stephen King's name attached to it. Sure, the 1976 feature is a little dated, but it feels timeless in terms of execution and the filmmaking process that went into it being completed and released. This is littered with some terribly dated dialogue, a final act that borders on insulting, and some VERY bad CGI. Plus, it's made-for-tv, so the bloodshed and kills aren't even impressive. It isn't timeless, but just a time capsule that's best left buried. If you still wish to seek out this shockingly long flick, it's currently streaming on Tubi, and there is a Blu-Ray from Scream! Factory out there to purchase (though it's a possibility it may be out of print).

Ah yeah, so that spoiler, eh? Well, when I discussed changes that will leave you scratching your head, how about this one? Carrie White, after killing hundreds, survives her mother's attempt at trying to kill her. Like in the novel and other adaptations, Margaret White dies, but unlike in the book, Carrie is then rescued by a surviving Sue Snell. They manage to fake Carrie's death and then drive away from town in an attempt to give Carrie a new start in life by moving to Florida. This would have supposedly led to a Carrie TV series where she would help others with telekinetic powers similar to hers. Not only is that just an utterly insane and moronic idea, but it turns the story of Carrie White from a horrifying tragedy into a poor man's version of assembling an X-Men team. Main star Angela Bettis, herself a rather large fan of the source material and the De Palma picture, admitted years later that she only signed onto this film in hopes that the aforementioned series would be made, because regardless of quality, she would have a steady flow of income while still focusing on independent cinema. It did not. Seriously, can someone please give this woman her flowers?

Unseen Terror 2023: Prime for the Pickin' (Days 6-7)

 

We interrupt your (ir)regularly scheduled programming of Children of the Corn parts seven through eleven (though technically two of those are remakes/reboots) for the first authentic gem(s) of this year's Unseen Terror! Don't worry, those crazy kids in Gatlin will unfortunately return sometime soon. I can't hide from my problems forever. Anyways, let's talk about how great Totally Killer is.

Horror films with time travel as an integral part of the plot aren't the most common of things to find, but when you do stumble upon them, they're often a hoot and can put the biggest smile on your face. Totally Killer, which recently dropped on Amazon Prime, is the nurtured child of Back to the Future and Happy Death Day. It's also the second full-length film from director Nahnatchka Khan (sister of WWE President and co-CEO Nick Khan!), whose prior film Always Be My Maybe is a very charming little rom-com that I feel like was somewhat overlooked because it was dropped onto Netflix without a large amount of fanfare. Releasing this project during the month of Halloween is a much wiser decision than just randomly dropping it during some holiday weekend/month that you weren't even sure existed. The plot follows a young woman named Jamie (played excellently by Kiernan Shipka of Mad Men and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina fame) who after witnessing the aftermath of her mother's murder via an old town legend simply known as the "Sweet Sixteen Killer," is sent back in time to the year 1987. With her knowledge of the murderer and their history, she attempts to stop the slayings before they begin, all while trying not to tamper with younger versions of the people she knew in 2022.

To say that Totally Killer is wearing its influences on its sleeves is putting it very lightly. The film explicitly namedrops features (and inspirations) such as Back to the Future and even Scream, but it never feels gratuitous or makes you wish you were watching those instead. It does feel genuine and makes for a breezy watch. I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention the excellent casting choices here. We've got the aforementioned Shipka, but we also get a wonderful appearance from Randall Park (previously seen in director Khan's Always Be My Maybe) who just has such brilliant comedic timing. Hell, even snagging both Julie Bowen (Modern Family, Happy Gilmore) and Olivia Holt (Cloak & Dagger, Cruel Summer) to play the older and younger versions of Jamie's mother is a clever choice. Truth be told, everyone has great body language and only adds to the fun factor. The best horror-comedies are so respected not just because of the script, but how committed the cast is to making all of the jokes land. While the cast is certainly exceptional, there are times when the film itself can become a little lost or confusing. Cutting out a couple of characters here and there (and I don't mean via waterbed kill like this does......that scene kinda rocks though) could have helped things feel a little less confusing, and the ending twist does feel a bit predictable if you were paying enough attention to small details. Still, that's time travel for you. It's a fascinating headache when you try to explain it or make full sense of it.

I'd actually recommend this as a solid watch for families who are more "open-minded" than usual. If you and your kid(s) are able to bond over a shared love of horror cinema or love to wax poetic about decadent decades, this makes for a very entertaining watch. I definitely think it will play well to the "Gen Z" and "Millennial" crowds as there are a lot of jokes scattered throughout about how drastically things have changed over the course of several decades (and even how drug quality has increased over the course of 35 years). If that poster doesn't give it away, Totally Killer is available to stream on Prime, and if things go right, hopefully it'll see a physical release sometime in the near future.

Before you jump on me and attempt to strangle me with own innards, no, I did not get a chance to see 2023's surprise hit M3GAN until this month. I have barely gotten the chance to head to a cinema proper due to circumstances beyond my control (health and car issues pretty much nullified any chance I had to see ANYTHING that was released during the summer movie season). If it makes you feel any better, I DID manage to see it now, and it was the "Unrated" cut too for that matter. So please, loosen your grip and let me talk about M3GAN, okay?

With how shockingly successful this flick ended up being, I feel like the basis of the plot is already fairly well-known (I'll try to condense it anyway though). A robotics engineer designs a lifelike doll with artificial intelligence to act as a companion for her recently orphaned niece, but the doll begins to show self-awareness and begins exhibiting signs of overprotection. The plot is somewhat similar to that of the 2019 Child's Play remake, and once the end credits on this were rolling, I kept thinking that the two movies could make for a bloody, goofy double feature if the option was available. The difference between the two though I believe comes in not just how "scary" you can try and make your film, but about what kind of substance is there beyond the simple, increasing body count. There is an unexpectedly tough tackling of trauma and loss that I feel like just wasn't fully present in 2019's Child's Play, and while there are times when perhaps you may find yourself irritated by some of the characters and their actions, consider what a terrible and bizarre situation they've all been suddenly thrust into. Both also tackle consumerism, corporate greed, and the utter ridiculous misuse of scientific discoveries, but I feel as though this wasn't quite as subtle as I would have liked it to be. Paul Verhoeven this ain't, but not everything needs to be.

The cast is all very solid (more Allison Williams in horror films please and thank you), but the obvious standout has to be young New Zealand actress Amie Donald. She plays the physical version of our titular antagonist, and while her head is a prosthetic, all of her strange body twists and movements come from Donald herself, who spent many years as a dancer and reportedly holds a brown belt in karate. It's a great physical performance that elevates the movie quite nicely. Did I mention that she's only ten years old too? This kid has a bright future in cinema should she choose to pursue this acting thing a bit more.

The critical and commercial success of M3GAN came as a complete surprise and was spread via word of mouth rather quickly, so I'm not sure I can add much more to the conversation. It's campy fun with some genuinely sweet moments, and if you have access to Amazon Prime, fire up the "Unrated" cut and enjoy the show. I truly wish I was able to catch this in a theater when I had the chance.

Unseen Terror 2023: Corn on the Crap (Days 4-5)

 To answer yesterday's question proposed towards the end of the reviews:

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering (woop woop?) is a first in this series, as it shares no history or connections with prior installments in this franchise. This time, it focuses on a young woman returning to her small-town home in Grand Island, Nebraska to watch over her agoraphobic mother (genre veteran Karen Black). The kids all over town suddenly start getting sick and people have dreams of an adolescent preacher with a burned face harassing them and...man I'm tired of this already. Supposedly, there is a deleted scene on physical releases of the film which does allude to "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," but it was cut for reasons that I'm still uncertain of. Whether that scene remained intact or not, it is highly doubtful that it would have improved the quality of Part IV. I mean, when your movie opens on a goddamn dream sequence, you are usually asking for trouble. What's worse is how MANY are scattered throughout its entirety (one scene contains a nightmare within a nightmare). It's a scare tactic that drives me absolutely bonkers, and more often than not works only if your film steers more towards the comedic side of things. Funny this movie is not though.

Something I forgot to mention in my prior review for Urban Harvest was the (very) brief film debut of Charlize Theron. She's uncredited and in the film for approximately ten seconds or so, but it counts. The reason why I'm bringing that up this time around is because this also serves as a first for another respected actress: it's the first time that celebrated performer Naomi Watts receives top billing in a film. She is doing the best that she can to make this work, but unfortunately the bland script (seems to be a common problem with these sequels) just feels like a dumbed down version of A Nightmare on Elm Street mixed with elements from Village of the Damned. There is a small chance such a concept as that could have worked were people allowed time to tweak and rewrite some parts, but it just kind of crumbles underneath the weight of so many stupider elements.

This entry in the Children of the Corn series really wishes it could stand alongside with unfairly maligned "sequels" like Halloween III: Season of the Witch, but it just can't seem to do anything right. Yes, there are two good kills to be found (corn scythe through the head and bisection via hospital gurney), but it is such a slog to get through. If you pass by this on MAX, Hulu, or Amazon Prime Video, just keep on moving.

Don't stop on this one though. It's arguably just as foul as Part IV.

Unlike its predecessor, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror IS connected to the first three films, as a group of not-teenagers come across an eccentric small town and run afoul of a crazed little asshole (this time Adam Wylie of Picket Fences and Hey Arnold! fame) who worships He Whose Name I'm Tired of Typing Out. Weird shit and bad acting commence.

Oddly enough, this is the first sequel I've seen to date where I recognized WAY too many of the on-screen performers. We've got Alexis Arquette (Bride of Chucky, Pulp Fiction), Fred Williamson (Black Caesar, From Dusk till Dawn), David Carradine (Kung Fu, Kill Bill), and Kane Hodder (Friday the 13th Parts 7-10, Hatchet). There's also a more prominent actress that I'll address further down. Everyone is doing their best to pretend that they're not just teenagers, but likeable (spoilers: neither works). Fields of Terror is also the first Children of the Corn sequel released during the post-Scream slasher/horror revival that swept the nation, but it lacks any of the substance or fun that made even any of those movies so respected (I doubt you could have paid Kevin Williamson enough to write this). If Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer were Nirvana and Soundgarden, this is Puddle of Mudd. Or Lifehouse.

Fun (albeit sad) fact about Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror: this marks the film debut of yet another prolific actress (this time Eva Mendes), and she was so appalled by her performance in this that she hired an acting coach almost immediately afterwards. Say what you will about her choice in projects after this dropped, but even the smelliest of cinematic trash piles like The Spirit or Ghost Rider are FAR superior to this piece of junk. I can't really be terribly angry about her performance though, as every single character in this is either a douchebag, boring, or utterly moronic. Thankfully the film's running time is only about eighty minutes, so you don't have to spend an exorbitant amount of time with them.

I'm not sure what else I can say about these flicks. They're getting progressively stupider and duller. I'm kind of stunned that this was written and directed by Ethan Wiley, who also wrote & directed the superbly underrated House II: The Second Story (still waiting on a Dogapillar plush guys!). Just go seek that out instead and let this burn in the fields.

While we're still on the topic of surprisingly competent names being attached to these cinematic abortions, let's jump right into Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return. This time we're right back in Gatlin, as we follow young woman Hannah (played by Get Real's Natalie Ramsey) and her decision to go back to the town she was smuggled out of when she was an infant before the murders began. Despite her repeatedly running into unwelcoming individuals EVERYWHERE in this town, she still insists that she must find her birth mother. Soon, we see the return of Isaac from the very first Corn flick (played by a returning John Franklin), an embarrassing waste of Nancy Allen, and a whole lot of nonsense involving evil sheriffs, Stacy Keach, and cheap jump scares.

This was perhaps the most frustrating and boring of these films to date, as there are a multitude of things that could have been fixed in order to make this mildly watchable. For starters, please don't make your main character this idiotic. I know that it's an unspoken rule of horror cinema that your protagonist will make the occasional baffling decision, but from the very beginning, the character of Hannah is irrationally stupid and ignores literally EVERY warning sign before her (this includes every single person she comes into contact with being either a creep or crazed). I'm fairly certain that the cast of Scary Movie were more intelligent. As for her insistence of wanting to desperately discover who her mom was or what she did? Well, I would like to propose that both Ancestry.com and Google Search were founded prior to the canonical events in this. Plus, the Gatlin murders and whatnot are still out there for the world to read about. Christ on a kernel.

Perhaps the biggest waste of potential in this comes from what would most likely catch the attention of experienced genre fans: the return of Isaac, who despite being enveloped by the same stuff that messed up William Hurt during the end of Altered States, was apparently in a coma after the events in Part 1. John Franklin was debatably the best part of the first Children of the Corn, and he also co-writes the script for Part 6. Unfortunately, he is barely utilized during its short running time (this is one of those cases where I would've welcomed a performer inserting themselves into the movie as often as they could) and the inclusion of the character ultimately just adds to the pointless nature of the whole shebang. It's a similar problem I had with 2018's The Predator, wherein they introduce a character that is supposed to be the offspring of Gary Busey's character from Predator 2 (he's even played by Jake, Gary's actual son). It adds nothing to the film. Also, there's the sudden revelation that Isaac has a child now. Admittedly, I know very little about what can be done with a body while its comatose, but I'm fairly certain that.... hold up, wasn't he still a kid when?...And his own child is a teenager now? I'm so perplexed and angry and grossed out. Just.....no. No. No. No. No.

*sigh* Okay, I'm vetoing the decision to finish this series (at least for now). These are starting to kill whatever brain cells I have left.

Unseen Terror 2023: He Who Leeches Off the King (aka Days 1-3)

    Man, I didn't realize just how much I missed doing this sort of thing. Without getting into too many details, life outside of this crummy blog (that I need to update far more often instead of relying solely upon Letterboxd) has been fairly crummy throughout most of the year. Hell, I was dangerously close to just calling this whole thing off for good because my spirits have been rotting at the bottom of a trashcan that has been left out in the desert. Still, I find reviewing cinema to be somewhat cathartic and I can't find a reason to fully stop this yearly marathon, so let's hop to it.

Maybe covering this franchise will provide said reason though.

I'd previously reviewed 1984's Children of the Corn (based off the Stephen King short story of the same name) and in retrospect, I think I may have been a tad too kind. While I think it's far from a TERRIBLE movie, I don't think it's particularly very good either, and outside of some fun moments featuring young John Franklin as religious fanatic Isaac Chroner, it fluctuates between shockingly dull and just plain dumb. If you weren't already familiar with the story, it follows a young couple who drive into a small town where all adults have seemingly disappeared, with its only living residents being those under the age of eighteen. Said residents worship an unseen entity called "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," who entices the youngsters to murder all adults, which will ensure a successful harvest. If you're thinking that plot sounds pretty silly, welcome to the world of 1980s drug addled Stephen King. During your stay, you should be prepared for a cavalcade of weird stuff that could only come from the mind of a gentleman who did so much cocaine that he barely remembers writing any of his own material or shooting the entirety of Maximum Overdrive.

Ridiculous concept aside, there are some positive aspects to Children of the Corn I can highlight upon rewatching. The aforementioned Franklin is a hoot, and he never overstays his welcome when he's on screen. There are also some legitimately creepy ideas buried underneath all of the stupidity. The idea of children drinking from the blood of someone who just passed the age of eighteen is a ghastly concept no matter how you try and shape it. Finally, it does have a pretty creepy main theme courtesy of composer Jonathan Elias, who also composed the score to another 80s horror flick that may or may not be appearing on a future entry this month. That's about where the praise ends though, because there are just a few too many flaws that dragged down my personal enjoyment when revisiting this. For starters, if you're going to cast Linda Hamilton as one of your leads, please ensure that you utilize her services as best that you can. A failure to do so means that you need to be beaten with a rolled-up newspaper. Thank goodness The Terminator was released later in the year. Peter Horton on the other hand, just seems to lack all sorts of charisma in this role. Truth be told, there are no discernable personality traits to either of these characters other than "they're adults and they aren't crazy." Speaking of crazy, though this picture establishes that Gatlin, Nebraska isn't exactly a burgeoning area, how do other adults in surrounding areas (or around the country period) not notice when crops stop coming in after a certain amount of time? Do they attribute it to "backordering issues?" Do any of the adults in town have friends from outside of it? Would they not get suspicious and investigate? But, I digress.

Children of the Corn doesn't exactly rank high when it comes to the Stephen King movie tier list, but I suppose it could have been far worse. It has some reasonably okay aspects and promise, but its true potential is wasted for the most part. As of the time of this review, it's available to stream on Amazon Prime, Plex, Tubi, and even YouTube. There's also a Blu-Ray released by the reputable Arrow Video out there for purchase if you're still into physical media and have a soul (like me!).

Not that it's terribly surprising to hear, but much like other horror franchises who promise some sort of closure when they release an entry with the word "Final" in its title, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice is anything but the end of this shockingly lengthy series. Released eight years after its predecessor, Final Sacrifice sees the town of Gatlin finally investigated after (who we can assume to be) the survivors from the first movie fill in others about the utter insanity that has transpired. The media descends into Gatlin, and the adolescent survivors from the town are adopted by residents from the nearby area of Hemingford. Unbeknownst to everyone, however, is the fact that these creepy kids are still infatuated with the idea of "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," and they still slink off into the night to gather in a cornfield so that they may worship the unseen entity.

The film focuses on a failing investigative reporter (St. Elsewhere's Terence Knox) and his mostly estranged large adult son (a very not-teenager-looking Paul Scherrer) as they travel through Hemingford, with the two deciding to make the very intelligent decision to stay in town for the time being and interact with a smorgasbord of cliched townsfolk. Meanwhile, a new creepy kid emerges spewing forth a lot of the same fanatical gibberish that Isaac did in Part One, and bad things begin to happen. An unsurprising, basic plot sure, but I doubt anyone expects something complex from these flicks. I do advise that you hold onto your butts for one split second though: while extremely dumb, Final Sacrifice is kind of precious. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I genuinely enjoyed my time viewing it.

Do not mistake such a statement as saying that this sequel is "good." It's junk. I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I had a blast with it though. Cast-wise, this is a potpourri of every stereotype you can imagine from a religious-themed horror flick. The character of Micah, who is essentially a louder, older version of Isaac, is played with such fervor by Ryan Bollman that you kind of learn to love the little asshole. He's a Troma villain with some of the ridiculousness of a professional wrestling persona (think a more bloodthirsty version of early "Broken" Matt Hardy), and he's easily the best aspect of this blessed mess. Everyone else is pretty flat however, which I'd say is more the fault of the script that anything else. Hell, they even manage to work a "mystical" Native American character into the film around the halfway mark or so, and the only thing he adds is a truckload of exposition and a laughably silly final shot. There's also some pretty goddamn dumb kills scattered throughout (including a Wizard of Oz homage.....really folks?), which is something that the prior film lacked. Still, it's all forgivable when you're just laughing at how you can clearly tell that the people behind the camera this time around (in this case, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde director/nepo baby David Price) either wanted to do away with anything resembling atmosphere in favor of lower budget absurdity, or were just unsure about what to do with a sequel that was likely never requested by anyone with a working brain.

I suspect that because my expectations were so incredibly low, that may have been what contributed to my surprising enjoyment of Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice. Look, if you can completely embrace the campiness behind this concept and realize that it isn't trying to take itself seriously, it's kind of an enjoyable hoot. If you want to lessen your suffering, just read a quick summary of the first flick and jump right into this one. It's currently streaming on MAX and Hulu, and I do believe that a Box Set containing the first three films in this series was released by Arrow Video overseas (if you're into the Region-Free disc purchasing thing).

There's a part of me that believes this film's entire existence is a punishment to anyone who remotely enjoyed the film that preceded it. Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (ya get it? It's because it's in the city this around!.........GET IT?!) is a disappointing step down in a franchise that had nowhere to go but up. This film is centered on two recently orphaned brothers from Nebraska who are adopted by a kindly couple in Chicago. Joshua, the older of the two, is awkward yet kind. Eli, the younger brother (and played by an actual teenager!), exhibits all of the signs of wannabe religious fanatics that were present in the prior two features. Bad things begin to occur (yet) again, and I feel as though choosing to cover this entire godforsaken franchise may drive me to madness after all.

Before I rip into Urban Harvest with a corn scythe, I will give praise where it is due: the practical effects and makeup are on point here. Genre veteran Screaming Mad George (whose body of work includes Predator, Tales from the Hood, Society, and A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors) is perhaps the only saving grace, as the final fifteen-or-so minutes are yet another nice display of the man's talents. Bodies are pierced and sliced, necks are stretched, and we FINALLY get to see what "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" looks like. It doesn't quite measure up to something as utterly mind-blowing as the "Shunting" from Society, but what the hell can? Seriously, track down any of those aforementioned films in this paragraph and go watch them instead.

Well, the fun part is over now. Let's just cut to the chase: everything else here absolutely stinks. There isn't a single good performance to be found in Urban Harvest. None. Even our main antagonist Eli doesn't have the chops or anything unique to him that you can't find in other, superior pictures. There's a shocking amount of what I can only describe as "go away" heat with the character, and by the time he gets something resembling comeuppance, you're happy not necessarily because "good" has gained an upper hand, but rather because you don't have to see Eli again. After reading up on the later entries in this franchise, I'm relieved that he's seemingly a one-and-done villain, because if future filmmakers tried to pull a "Mark Hoffman from Saw" and force him into anything else, I would have been furious personally. The film also feels (perhaps unintentionally) slightly racist, as most of the noteworthy kills in Urban Harvest's body count are comprised of African American men and women, with two noteworthy deaths following attempts at saving Caucasian youngsters, and a lot of supporting characters playing very outdated racial stereotypes. The final cherry on top of this moldy sundae is how insanely idiotic the script is. Look, I understand that the adults in these movies aren't exactly written to be the smartest of individuals, but after two horrific incidents were made public (and which are seen in scattered, sepia-toned flashbacks), why would you just not quarantine Gatlin and confine any escapees to a mental institution? Or just send them to Outer Space?

That's bound to happen in this series, right? Hell, even Leprechaun did it.

Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest is bad. If you're that desperate to watch its final, fleeting moments on screen (aka the SMG effects), just go search for that on YouTube. Yes, it is currently streaming on MAX, but please stay away. I'm concerned not for myself, but for everyone else reading this and considering it.

Still, they can't get any worse than this, right?

........right?