Unseen Terror 2017: Day 10

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Unseen Terror 2016: Day 11

I'm not going to lie: there were multiple options and choices that could have made their way onto the countdown for the day that commemorates my own date of birth. The temptation to venture out and compile a "Top 10" list for something like The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" episodes was certainly there, as was discussing my favorite and least favorite remakes found within the genre itself. Then, I realized there was a crossover between the realm of terror and another longtime interest (that could arguably be considered a vice) that I had never touched on before: WCW's series of shows that were charmingly-dubbed Halloween Havoc.


For those of you (un)fortunate enough to know me for more than a few years, you should be fully well aware that I have an unabashed adoration and love for the wonderful, wacky, and often-times violent world of professional wrestling. During the years of 1989 and 2000, the now-defunct promotion known as World Championship Wrestling ran an annual Pay-Per-View titled Halloween Havoc, which was always guaranteed to take place as close to the holiday that it shares its namesake with. These shows have been notorious for featuring some absolutely great moments in the history of the sport (Bill Goldberg v. Diamond Dallas Page from 1998, Dean Malenko v. Rey Misterio Jr. in 1996), and others that are best left drowned with multiple bottles of moonshine (pretty much any match featuring Hulk/Hollywood Hogan as a featured attraction). During one particular day of reminiscing, I came to the realization that I have never watched the inaugural Havoc itself. And, given that this is my own blog and I can be allowed to stray from the path once in a while, I figured heck, let's give this a try. Also, I must apologize for any spoilers, but there's a good chance that most who decide to read about this one will be fairly apathetic towards wrestling anyway.



Taking place at the long-gone Philadelphia Civic Center in front of a crowd of 7,300 paying customers, we kick off the show with the voices of a very young Jim Ross, who damn near any fan of the sport will be able to identify within a span of three seconds, and Bob Caudle of NWA fame. My familiarity with the latter is admittedly very poor, but he plays the role of the classic announcer fairly well, choosing to take no side before, during, or after the matches. It is during this introduction where I noticed that the immortal Gordon Solie (Georgia Championship Wrestling) has been relegated to working as a backstage interviewer for this PPV, which seems like the biggest of insults.

Opener: Mike Rotunda (sporting a sketchy mustache) vs The Z-Man

This one had the potential to either surprise or bore me to death. Unfortunately, I think it fell closer into the second category, as the performers themselves just do not have good in-ring chemistry with one another. Younger fans will recognize Rotunda as both evil tax collector Irwin R. Schyster (I.R.S.....what subtlety these companies had) and the father of current WWE signees Bray Wyatt and Bo Dallas. His opponent is Tom Zenk, who despite facing the former caption of the evil stable known as "The Varsity Club" (he's still sporting their initials on his attire), the crowd can't seem to decide if they like or not. Personally, I've always been fairly indifferent to the former Can-Am Connection partner. Is he talented? Sure. Did he scream main card attraction? Well, if you happen to dig people who appear as though they came out of the first floor of the "create-a-wrestler" factory, then perhaps. As for the match itself, it's an affair that lasts for nearly fifteen minutes, with some of the only highlights coming from Zenk hitting a very nice-looking modified arm drag, Rotunda kneeing him in the balls in plain view of the ring official (which apparently does not warrant a disqualification), and the future taxman aggressively tossing the thirty-year-old to the concrete floor, which elicits the loudest reaction of the match. Its end comes from Rotunda landing a diving cross body into a pin, though Zenk just flips him over and racks up the win. At this point on, I was fully convinced that the crowd's noise towards the end came from remembering what was to come after this.



Before our second contest for the evening, we are treated to an interview with wrestling icon Bruno Sammartino, who will be officiating tonight's main event. I often forget that following his nasty fallout with Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation, he did make the occasional appearance for another brand or two. Admittedly, I also clearly couldn't remember how much of an Easter Island head he has as well.

2nd Match: "Dr. Death" Steve Williams & The Midnight Express (w/ Jim Cornette)

vs 

The Samoan Swat Team & The Samoan Savage (w/ Big Kahuna)

The white meat, rambunctious good guys from the U.S.A. taking on three Samoan-Americans who are being portrayed as nearly-uncontrollable Neanderthals? Noooo, wrestling has always been racially sensitive you silly goose. In a card that is full of strange bookings and pairings, perhaps the oddest thing to behold is seeing longtime heel Jim Cornette acting like a lively, babyface cheerleader. Opposite of him is Big Kahuna, the newest nickname of underrated 1980s accomplice Sir Oliver Humperdink. Amusingly enough, my only memorable exposure to the Pepsi version of Captain Lou Albano was seeing him as a joyous, happy manager during his very brief tenure in another big name promotion that was owned by someone with the initials VKM.


One of the very first things I noticed about this came from how astonishingly young the Swat Team (who would later be repackaged as The Headshrinkers in WWF) look. The future Rikishi (who shares the same day of birth as I do) was wrestling for the big boys by the time that he was only twenty-four, and unlike his partner, he isn't sporting a housewife/Miss Elizabeth perm during the match. Despite the "foreign" team being advertised as a legitimate danger to deal with, a good chunk of the match's offense goes to the team of Stan Lane, Bobby Eaton, and Williams. Speaking of the latter, it isn't hard to see that this crowd views the former All-American as the main attraction here. He is built like a brick shithouse, acts just as tough as he looks, and is treated like he is a tier above everybody else inside of the arena. Sadly, it still didn't protect him from Bart Gunn's fists of fury. Though it does feature a relatively lame conclusion (and a cringe-inducing botched neckbreaker from the usually reliable Stan Lane), it was more far more enjoyable than our opener.

3rd Match: The Cuban Assassin
vs
"Wildfire" Tommy Rich

We are lucky enough to be treated to an interview with Terry Funk and his manager Gary Hart. Technically, it happens right before this clash begins, but I feel that it deserves a special mention because these two are just a hoot to listen to. The hardcore icon says that he is going to start a new dance called the "10,000 watt boogie," and will introduce fried chicken to the audience after they push Ric Flair against an electrified fence. You just don't make promos like these anymore, though perhaps that is simultaneously good and bad.


Another reason as to why I decided to have that precede the review of this match was because of how atrocious this was. With all due respect, Rich is in terrible shape here, looking like he spent most of his paychecks on purchasing cheeseburgers topped with fried oreos. Truth be told, neither of these two men is an Adonis specimen, but given the very faint chant of "Tommy Rich Sucks" that I heard, I believe that physical appearances would have been irrelevant anyway. Clocking in at under nine minutes, the only non-boring aspect comes from the finish, which involves Rich landing a Lou Thesz Press (utilized later by Steve Austin and Randy Orton) and turning it into a pin. I know for a fact that both men can do better than this, but this felt like a relic from the 1960s that should have stayed buried. Don't waste your time.

4th Match: The Dynamic Dudes (w/ Jim Cornette)

vs

(C) The Fabulous Freebirds for the NWA Tag Team Championship

Though I know that I have a plethora of friends who have fond memories related to them, I will stir up the pot a bit here: The Dynamic Dudes are awful. Mind you, not as in-ring performers, but the gimmick is so unbelievably dumb that it was no wonder they were booed in Philly (and this was BEFORE the rowdy crowds of ECW started turning up). I'm sure WCW's Executive Vice President Jim Herd thought that they were going to be adored, but if your tag team can't even ride the skateboards that they jog to the ring with, then you are just asking for trouble. At the very least, Shane Douglas can breathe easy knowing that in less than ten years' time, he will be able to convince the crowd to eat out of his hands when he is rebranded as "The Franchise." Despite my immense dislike for Michael Hayes as a person, he and Jimmy Garvin are just fantastic here. No matter what the heels do, this gathering is ecstatic to see them in their own city, and cheer during every single cheap shot thrown by the duo. There are several spots of comical selling by the man later renamed "Dok Hendrix," and several chants for the wrestling maneuver known as the DDT. Yes, I know that the man most famously affiliated with it didn't actual invent the move, but it still weirds me out to hear a crowd call for that finisher whenever he isn't around. Johnny Ace, a.k.a. John Laurinaitis (yes, that one) manages to pull off a nice duel headscissors takedown on the Freebirds, but once the heels are ousted from the ring because of it, he is drowned with jeers and hatred by the Philadelphia crowd yet again. This very entertaining scrap wraps up after Garvin gets the pin off of a botched atomic drop from both members of the DD.



We move on to a backstage discussion with Rick Steiner and brother Scott, who in the future, will be the go-to name once somebody thinks of the term "Roidy McGoo." The Steiner Brothers' mic skills have always been....well, unique, and they even flub this promo at first, with Rick just kinda rambling on afterwards. If they wished to give the impression that he may, in fact, be mildly retarded, then you passed that test with flying colors. When asked about what will happen if previous accomplice Woman makes the conscious choice to interfere in the match, he implies that he is going to grab her and choke her out. Yikes. Eerily prophetic anyone?

5th Match: The Steiner Brothers (w/ a GREAT entrance theme)

v.

Doom (w/ Woman)

For those curious, Doom, who were making their PPV debut here, are the masked team of "The Natural" Butch Reed and future WWE Hall of Famer Ron "Faarooq" Simmons. Much like their opponents, they are yoked, muscular titans. Mercifully, the African American duo would lose their disguises not long after this, and they were lucky enough to avoid being attached to any gimmick such as, say, a pair of wrestling slaves. Keep it classy southern promoters. Several minutes in, commentator Jim Ross divulges a funny conversation that he had with Rick Steiner that relates to the babyface's newest bulldog tattoo on his arm.

Ross: You got a new tattoo! Why didn't get something like a wolverine?
Rick: Because I wanted a dog.
Ross: Well, why didn't you just BUY a dog?

The Oklahoma native also mentions that before his brother convinced him to join the wonderful, wacky world of wrestling, Scott was supposed to become a school teacher. Though such a dream will sadly never come to fruition, I can certainly imagine what it would sound like.

All jokes aside, something just doesn't seem to gel here. Perhaps it was the jitters from new arrivals Doom, or the nervousness about following the previous tag match. This surprisingly boring affair ends with Woman sneaking something into one of her performers' masks behind the referee's back, which they use to headbutt and knock out Rick with, leading to a pinfall. All four of these men are supremely skilled, but perhaps watching their rematch down the line for the tag belts (and the Steiners' own feud with the Freebirds) would have made for a better viewing choice.


Lex Lu---erm, excuse me. To quote the lads over at OSWreview.com, time for an interview with YER BOI LEX LUGER, a.k.a. the future NARCISIST. Though nowhere near as jacked as he would be later on in his career, he is just as arrogant. But for the love of god, look at Gordon Solie for even just a second when you're talking. I believe that the best promos conducted during pre-recorded segments should have equal amounts of time dedicated to staring at the camera and the correspondent.

6th Match: Brian Pillman (w/ cheerleader section and a very thrashy entrance song)

vs

(C) Lex Luger for the United States Championship

Oh man, if you can not get behind seeing this duo face each other in their prime, then you may need to check your pulse. "Flyin" Brian is in phenomenal shape here, and it's a damn shame that drugs and injuries shortened his career before he passed eight years later. For those who complain about the forced, obnoxious push of guys like Roman Reigns, I would politely ask that you need to shut your mouth and pay attention to how much fellating the 1994 Royal Rumble co-winner received during the late 1980s. Having only been competing in the sport for a mere four years at this point, he had already held this prestigious title three times, and our beloved commentary team make it a point to continuously rain praise upon him when he's doing even the most basic of moves like a running clothesline or picking Pillman up to drop him on the ropes throat first. On the positive end of the spectrum, he seems to be relishing portraying a pseudo-tweener during this time period. My eye-rolling aside, the two take some time to find their footing and chemistry with one another, and end up turning in a solid middle-of-the-card matchup (save for an awkward ending). It's a damn shame that neither of these men are in the WWE's Hall of Fame, as they have long been deserving of it (the same can be said of the Steiner Brothers).



Our second-to-last backstage meeting involves Paul Ellering and his clientele, the legendary Road Warriors. Though the articulate and intelligent manager is just sort of hanging in the shadows behind Hawk, all three are just so fucking great at doing their job.

7th Match: The Skyscrapers (w/ Theodore "Teddy" Long)

vs

The Road Warriors (w/ Paul Ellering)

Hey playa! The renowned Smackdown General Manager comes out first, accompanying a rather monstrous-looking team comprised of Sid "Don't Call Me Psycho Just Yet" Vicious and Dan "Please Don't Bring Up Waylon Mercy" Spivey. As intimidating as they may look, they aren't The Legion of Doom, who come out to an instrumental, looping version of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man." In a peculiar observation, the new heels actually dwarf the NWA veterans, but that doesn't seem to bother them whatsoever. As the contest began, I managed to type "If they know what's good for them, this ought to be booked mostly as a straight up brawl with tons of no-selling." Well, I am glad that late-80s WCW knew their audience rather well. Sid and Dan (who looks like Kiefer Sutherland's character from The Lost Boys, but with even worse hair) show some potential, with the former even kipping up from his back at one point to attack Hawk. Cheekily, the commentators state that "when they attack them, the Skyscrapers don't move," which immediately leads to Animal knocking Vicious to the ground with a strong-looking tackle. Though it was far from being considered a technical marvel, this bout makes for hellacious amusement. It's the type of competition that your family thinks of when you mention being a fan of this over-the-top sport. Sadly, the fun comes to a screeching halt, as Teddy Long tosses a giant metal key for his team to utilize as a weapon, which leads to a disqualification. For as much as I respected the Road Warriors for their contributions to the business, their frequent inability to lose clean did annoy me quite a bit. I mean, would losing to a couple of gigantic newcomers have hurt their stock in the long run? Hell, even Chris Jericho lost to Fandango, and that took place at WRESTLEMANIA.



By this point, I have come to the conclusion that despite the branding, there has been little in the way of Halloween-themed material at this event. Perhaps the only thing could be constituted as "scary" has been Sid Vicious' angry faces and massive shoulders. That, and the mere thought of Vince McMahon watching the last two tag team contests while furiously masturbating. So, will there be anything interesting related to my favorite month for the final thirty minutes?

8th/Final Match: Sting & Ric Flair (w/ Ole Anderson)

vs

Terry Funk & The Great Muta (w/ Gary Hart) in a Thunderdome match.

Special guest Referee: Bruno Sammartino.

The answer to this question is a resounding.....eh, I guess. Unlike the construction that bears the same name, this is merely a larger steel cage surrounding the ring, with no top to climb over. In a way, it's a precursor to one of WWE's more infamous setups, but with the added bonus of cobwebs and décor scattered across every corner and the looming threat of it supposedly being electrified (it never comes into play). Bruno has agreed to watch over this bout, and under company rules, the first team whose manager throws in the towel or audibly says to stop the match will be the losers. The heels are out first, with Funk even getting water thrown at him by an irate fan. It's a damn shame that stuff like this doesn't occur anymore, but like CM Punk said, if you argue or respond back to them in any sort of unconventional way (be it in person or on social media), they reprimand you for these actions and force you to apologize for not going off script. No, I don't think it makes a lick of sense either. Muta, who looks so youthful and vibrant here, is considered an icon in the realm of Japanese wrestling, but outside of some cool-looking spots that include an enziguri kick to the back of Ric Flair's head (OUCH), he felt very interchangeable during this final bout. Funk feels the need to test out the flimsiness of this cage by climbing it on multiple occasions, which depending on the situation, makes him out to be appear like an equal mixture of a nutjob and an idiot. Perhaps the edifice's charge was about as real as the Mountie's cattle prod.


During several points of the fight, Flair hits Funk with a knife edge chop that looked like it was powerful enough to cave a hole in a human being's chest. Sting is quite popular with the Philly crowd as well, who are thoroughly on board with the good guys during this timed exchange. Towards the end, Ric locks the Funkster in a Figure Four Leg Lock, with his surfin', do-goodin' partner landing repeated top rope slashes to the psychotic one's upper body while he is fearing for the safety of his legs. Muta, who at this point had just been acting uppity towards our guest ref, attempts to attack the WWWF legend, and gets decked for his actions. With managers Gary Hart and Ole Anderson both now in the ring, the latter hits the former hard enough that his own towel is accidentally tossed towards Bruno. Not even questioning as to whether it was a genuine surrender and admittance of defeat, it concludes with the longtime rivals (but then-current allies) raising their hands in victory.


In terms of sheer silliness, 1989's Halloween Havoc could have been far worse, yet is ultimately just remarkably average when you collect all of your thoughts and opinions into a single, discernable one. Aside from the Rich & Assassin match, nothing repulsed me or gave me a headache. In fact, maybe I should make it a habit to do more of these in my spare time! Alas, that shall depend on how much, if any free time that I will have coming up during these next few months. If you have a small allowance of $9.99, you can watch this debut PPV from WCW on the WWE's own streaming service.



Now, if you want me to review a truly terrifying special involving professional wrestling, then I should add THIS bad boy to my list for next year.




Tomorrow, it's back to business as usual, as we tackle another entry in the natural horror field that is often derided by even its own director.....though if luck is on my side, we may see another appearance from a more infamous goliath with far more hype behind him....

Ryan's Best and Worst of 2013: Part 1

Hello. I realize that posts on here have been rather nonexistent since my Blue Ruin review, and I can only ascribe that to a myriad of problems, be they financial or personal. Whatever the case, this is no excuse when it comes to posting my inevitable "End of the Year" lists. Sure, I am about a week or two removed from the mostly miserable year known as 2013 being over, but the year did have a good amount of bright spots in the three things that help me keep a grasp on my sanity: movies, music, and mixed martial arts. There were also some fine moments that came out of the mostly-irritating promotion known as "World Wrestling Entertainment," though they love to seemingly do more to irk me rather than please me it seems. Procrastination and rambling aside, let us move forward. For those apathetic towards the world of mixed martial arts and professional wrestling, I may have to ask you to come back later for the important stuff (also known as the subjects that usually don't involve half naked individuals hurting one another).


Let us start with the WWE, since it will be easier and quicker to write about. And speaking of quicker and easier, my own lethargy will help get some of these other categories out of the way.

Best PPV: Summerslam 2013 (August 18, 2013) (even with the last match's victor losing his belt in eight seconds and with it leading to a push down the card)

Worst PPV: Battleground (October 6, 2013) (quite possibly the worst ending to a PPV in years)

Most Underrated: Antonio Cesaro (tied with Dolph Ziggler and Tyson Kidd. Push these people!)

Most Overrated: Randy Orton (not a terrible performer, but horrendously boring and stale this year)

Best Gimmick: The Wyatt Family (the creepiest and most unique promos this company has ever had, despite them not being tremendous performers)

Worst Gimmick: Bad News Barrett (idiotic comedy coming from a very underrated performer. Late WCW-era levels of groaning)

Best Tag Team: Cody Rhodes and Goldust (an astonishing return from the latter)

Worst Tag Team: Ryback and Curtis Axel (two negatives do not make a positive)




MATCH OF THE YEAR:

CM Punk v. Brock Lesnar (August 18, 2013)

The hype and build up to this was more than justified. Lesnar returning to the world of professional wrestling was a good reminder as to why he was so sorely missed: if booked properly, the man comes across as a monster, seemingly incapable of being stopped due to his sheer size, power, and credentials. Well, unless your name is Alistair Overeem or Cain Velasquez. That being said, along with individuals like Daniel Bryan, Antonio Cesaro, and the faction known as The Shield, CM Punk helps prevent me from changing the channel during these hard times. Perhaps you can attribute this to his demeanor, look, or honest-to-god great skills inside of the ring. Whatever the case, the resulting match was pure magic, albeit painful, cruel, and grueling. The only disappointment was the ignorance on the part of the WWE to even recognize its greatness during their own "Slammys" program at the end of the year (the borefest known as The Rock v. Cena 2 gets MOTY and this doesn't even get a NOMINATION?!). But sometimes the best matches, regardless of the sport, go unnoticed in the eyes of the corporate head honchos. This is what you should show to the folks who have since given up on this lost art form.

Honorable Mentions:

John Cena v. CM Punk (February 25, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. John Cena (August 18, 2013)
Cody Rhodes/Goldust v. Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins (October 6, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Antonio Cesaro (July 22, 2013)
The Undertaker v. CM Punk (April 7, 2013)




WORST MATCH OF THE YEAR:

Total Divas v. True Divas (November 25, 2013)

Is it unfair to put a match featuring nearly every modern WWE "Diva" in this category? Possibly. But it doesn't excuse the match from being a total mess. I could go on a full fledged rant about the state of female wrestling in this company, and how they are clearly frightened to bring in any real talent (excluding "NXT's" Paige and Natalya Neidhart), but I don't feel I'd be saying anything that hasn't already been said. This was just a rushed, stupefying, and all around bad match. From what I understand, the match that preceded this the night before at Survivor Series (with the EXACT SAME TEAMS) was just as terrible, but I was working the night of that card. So this will have to do for now.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Mark Henry v. Ryback (April 7, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Randy Orton (October 6, 2013)
Total Divas v. True Divas (any and all other times are acceptable)




BEST WRESTLER:

Daniel Bryan

While I don't believe there was a single person screwed over by a company any worse this year (save for Bellator's Eddie Alvarez), the man still transformed from mid-carder to main eventer and the fans absolutely loved every second of it. Alas, he is back down on the card, but the impact of his ascension has been felt. His "YES!" chants are more abundant than ever, more people (young and old) are talking about him than before, and if you believe the dirt sheets, he's poised for a major match at Wrestlemania that a very select few get to be a part of. I certainly hope that he's back in the title picture again soon, but even if he isn't, he may have been elevated above any title currently in the company.

Honorable Mentions:

CM Punk
John Cena (before you crucify me for this, let it be known that I can not stomach the guy, and think that about 90% of his matches are wretched to sit through. That being said, the man actually had a great year for memorable performances, including matches with the aforementioned Bryan, Punk, Damien Sandow, and the Shield. I await and welcome arguments)




WORST WRESTLER OF THE YEAR:

The Great Khali

I am completely baffled as to why this man is still on the roster. Immobile, sloppy, and embarrassing to watch these days, this former world champion has been reduced to a chest-slapping comedy character, and not a very good one at that. While I'm not completely against comedy in my wrestling, knowing that this man will most likely be confined to a wheelchair makes me more sad than anything, and I wish the WWE would just let the man retire while he is ahead.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

The Miz
Ryback
Eva Marie






Well, for all of you bickering and impatient people, the "fake" stuff is done and dealt with. Now, let us move on to the bloodier part of this post: the mixed martial arts awards. Before listing off my choices, I must preface this by saying that I was not witness to every single critically acclaimed bout that took place this year, as my work schedule was very erratic and I value sleep more than I ever did before (having two seizures will do that to you). So Jon Jones v. Alexander Gustafsson will be nowhere on here, simply because I have not seen it. Let's move on before you bite me in the face.




BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:

Mark Hunt draws Antonio "Bigfoot" Silva (December 7, 2013)

It is a miracle that both men were still standing and breathing after this war of attrition. What was all the more astonishing was that the former PRIDE FC standout and former Elite XC Heavyweight Champion are friends, having trained together multiple times at the camp known as "American Top Team." Over the course of twenty-five minutes, we witnessed two men refuse to quit, even if their own bodies would give out and their chins would deteriorate into nothingness. Covered in blood, exhausted, and most likely damaged for worse in the long run, this was an incredible bout that could go down as the best bout in the UFC's long standing heavyweight division. The announcement at the end from ring announcer Bruce Buffer of "This fight is considered a Majority Draw" would normally incite wrath from the usually irritable MMA community, but it was a fitting and comforting end to a gruesome, legendary contest, wherein we wanted to see neither warrior lose. The highlight video I have posted above does not do it justice.

Honorable Mentions:

Dennis Bermudez d. Matt Grice (February 23, 2013)
Wanderlei Silva d. Brian Stann (March 3, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Matt Brown d. Jordan Mein (April 20, 2013)
Gilbert Melendez d. Diego Sanchez (October 19, 2013)


WORST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:

Ovince St. Preux d. Gian Vilante (April 27, 2013)

I'm sure there are more high profile bouts that could end up in this spot, but this one takes the cake due to the sheer incompetence of the referee involved. While the two rounds that preceded round three of this bout were very tepid and underwhelming, the decision to stop the fight due to an eye poke, without giving the recipient any time to recover and regain vision (which is usually customary), was flabbergasting. True, both men have since regained some of their former glory, each going on to win their next scheduled bouts, but this leaves a stain that can't quite be washed away.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Jake Shields d. Tyron Woodley (June 15, 2013)
Rory MacDonald d. Jake Ellenberger (July 27, 2013)
Soa Palelei d. Nikita Krylov (August 31, 2013)




ROUND OF THE YEAR:

Gilbert Melendez v. Diego Sanchez: Round 3 (October 19, 2013)

What, no video you say? Well, you should probably go seek out this entire fight anyway, regardless of which round I choose to shower with praise. The original Ultimate Fighter winner proved he can still throw down and throw caution to the wind if it comes down to it, while the former Strikeforce and WEC Lightweight Champion channeled his frustration following a tough loss to former champion Benson Henderson into a sensational, blood-drawing rage that few had seen before. By the time that the final five minutes rolled around, both men looked like they had seen better days, but Sanchez came back with flurries aplenty, dropping the former champion, and even coming close to finishing the bout. A magnificent display of violence, even if it will most likely lead to permanent brain damage for both men.

Honorable Mentions:

Matt Brown v. Jordan Mein: Round 1 (April 20, 2013)
Ronda Rousey v. Liz Carmouche: Round 1 (February 23, 2013)




FIGHTER OF THE YEAR:

Demetrious Johnson

I'll eat a big ol' bowl of crow for this one. I've never been the world's biggest fan of the man nicknamed "Mighty Mouse," but he sure as hell won me over this year. Tough, fast, skilled beyond belief, and full of surprises, Johnson managed to defend his Flyweight title three separate times in 2013, with each  defense being more memorable than the last. There's a special kind of criticism reserved for champions of the old guard, saying that they prefer to play it safe these days and rely on the rather unpopular form known as "point fighting" in order to keep their championships and legacy intact. Johnson is the opposite of such, constantly working for submissions in his bout with John Moraga, coming back from a near stoppage against John Dodson to attempt multiple fight-ending methods, and becoming the first individual to stop the incredibly tough Joseph Benavidez. I can not wait to see him fight again this year, even if he has cleared out most of the division.

Honorable Mentions:
Renan Barao
Robbie Lawler
Chris Weidman
Cain Velasquez




KNOCKOUT OF THE YEAR:

Chris Weidman d. Anderson Silva (July 6, 2013)

This was a rather difficult choice to make. On one hand, it may not have been the flashiest display of technique you'll see, but in terms of awe-inspiring madness, this will stand the test of time. This was the 2013 version of Fabricio Werdum upsetting Fedor Emelianenko, even if the betting odds were nowhere near as wide as that bout was. Silva's aura in the UFC was incomparable, having never lost a single fight in the octagon, and Weidman was coming off a yearlong layoff. It was assumed we'd get one of two things: an easy win for "The Spider," or five rounds of Weidman trying to grind out a decision (note: Weidman is usually a finisher, I'm just going with wrestler logic). This was the type of upset that didn't just make your jaw drop, it stuck with you weeks after it happened. Sadly, I could say the same for the terrifying result of their rematch on the final card of the year.

Honorable Mentions:

Emanuel Newton d. Muhammed "King Mo" Lawal (February 21, 2013)
Josh Thomson d. Nate Diaz (April 20, 2013)
Vitor Belfort d. Luke Rockhold (May 18, 2013)
Dong-Hyun Kim d. Erick Silva (October 9, 2013)
Douglas Lima d. Ben Saunders (September 20, 2013)




SUBMISSION OF THE YEAR:

Josh Burkman d. Jon Fitch (June 14, 2013)

Hard. As. Fuck. And not in the sexual way. It might be the only way one could describe such a shocking moment though. Fitch was still ranked in most people's top ten lists, and was coming off of an unwarranted release from the UFC. On the other end, Josh Burkman was a UFC castoff, having not competed in the organization for four years. The mostly new league, World Series of Fighting, was looking for their first truly memorable moment of the year, and Burkman's cold killer mentality during and after the fight provided them with it. True, infamously inept referee Steve Mazzagatti deserves a wag of the finger for not noticing Fitch was unconscious following the guillotine choke that Burkman applied, but at least Josh had enough sense to let go when he felt his opponent (who he had lost to seven years prior) go limp. This was the MMA equivalent of a Rotten Sound song: short, angry, brutal, and very sweet.

Honorable Mentions:

Rose Namajunas d. Kathina Catron (April 5, 2013)
Anthony Pettis d. Benson Henderson (August 31, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Erick Silva d. Jason High (June 8, 2013)



ROBBERY OF THE YEAR:

Phil Davis d. Lyoto Machida (August 3, 2013)

If Krusty the Clown didn't describe this perfectly (there is no highlight video for a reason), I'll just state that I partially blame this atrocious decision for my first of two seizures this year, given that not even twelve hours later, I was waking up in the hospital with no recollection of how I arrived. Most judges are still scoring fights based on who presses forward more, or if they even manage to sneak one good takedown into the rather uneventful fray. Sadly, this archaic mindset will probably never fade away, and the sometimes controversial Machida was robbed of a big victory in his own home country. Thankfully, things look up for the former Light Heavyweight Champion as he has dropped down to Middleweight, and looks to begin a new campaign of splitting wigs.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions

Georges St-Pierre d. Johny Hendricks (November 16, 2013)
Francis Carmont d. Lorenz Larkin (April 20, 2013)
Diego Sanchez d. Takanori Gomi (March 3, 2013)




BEST CARD OF THE YEAR: 

UFC on Fuel TV 10: Nogueira v. Werdum (June 8, 2013)

Setting the record for "most submissions" in a single event isn't easy to do, but you have to give the Brazilians on this card props, since they went fairly crazy at this event and set the record at eight. True, a lot of these bouts seemed custom-made for easy victories, but entertainment is entertainment, regardless of the caliber of competition involved. Thiago Silva managed to snag his first clean victory in four years, Erick Silva secured a beautiful triangle-armbar combination on the returning Jason High, the Ultimate Fighter Brazil 2 finale bout didn't end up looking like a joke, and Fabricio Werdum showed off his always impressive Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu by submitting the legendary Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, which is certainly no easy task. The crowd seemed to be smiling and celebrating throughout this entire evening, and one certainly couldn't blame them as they were getting their money's worth and more.


Honorable Mentions:

UFC on Fox Sports 1: Shogun v. Sonnen (August 17, 2013)
UFC Fight For the Troops 3 (November 6, 2013)
UFC 168 (December 28, 2013)


WORST CARD OF THE YEAR:

UFC 161

Like last year's recipient (the truly bad UFC 149), this had potential. A proposed rematch years in the making (Mauricio Rua v. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira) and an interim title fight (Renan Barao v. Eddie Wineland) could have made this worthwhile. Instead, a decrepit and disappointing match between Rashad Evans and Dan Henderson drew low PPV buys, and little-to-nothing in the way of fan interest. Couple that with a terrible prelim closer (Jake Shields v. Tyron Woodley did not help draw in skeptics, and may have provided them with a nice nap), and you have the clearcut winner for the worst mixed martial arts card of the year.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

UFC 159 (April 27, 2013)
Bellator Fighting Championships Inaugural PPV (November 2, 2013. Notable because the entire thing NEVER ENDED UP HAPPENING)


And there you have it for part one of my delayed, but fairly packed Best and Worst of 2013. In terms of other notable incidents worth talking about from the worlds of professional wrestling and mixed martial arts, I think the WWE Network sounds like a phenomenal deal, and the UFC Fight Pass can bite my scrotum. If there was an upset of the year, I'd say that Daniel Strauss defeating Pat Curran at the Bellator show on November 2nd would be my clearcut winner, though Robbie Lawler defeating Rory MacDonald is a very close second. Come back soon(ish) for the best of the rest, featuring my favorite and least favorite picks in music and movies!