A space shuttle called "Nautilus" is heading back to earth, but unexpectedly, it passes through a cloud of alien spores. The lone occupant, a simple man named Steve, is mutated by this exposure and turns into a giant, bloodthirsty creature. Nautilus crashes into a Florida swamp, and it doesn't take long for this new beast to begin wreaking havoc on the populace. It feeds on people as if they were snacks, spreads new, infectious spores of its own, and eventually catches the attention of a small band of town folk. Will they be able to band together and bring down this behemoth, or has its evil spread too far too quickly ?
I mean, how else am I going to start a review of any picture with the likes of Fred Olen Ray AND Jim Wyorski attached to it? For those unfamiliar with that gruesome twosome: if you're of my age, and have ever looked at most crappy straight-to-video "B" movies or late night Skinamax parodies from the early 1990s up until about the mid-2000s, there's a strong chance that they're involved somehow (though at least Wynorski has Chopping Mall to his name). It's arguable about whether they're the proper successors to guys like Ed Wood or not because unlike that infamous director, it wouldn't surprise me if they were conscious about their projects being quite lousy. As someone who was not fully aware of their involvement with Dark Universe, a blind buy from this past weekend's Monster Mania Convention in Hunt Valley, Maryland, I feel that properly reviewing something of this quality is like attempting to discuss flicks like Pocket Ninjas and Samurai Cop to the general public: it's beyond fucking hard.
First off, props to the VHSPS people for providing a very authentic replication of this movie's initial release. There's coming attractions for other obscure flicks that start right after I pressed "play" on this bootleg's main menu (one of which included Joe Piscopo, of whom I still harbor a grudge against because of Dead Heat). It's still absolutely a rip from a video tape, but there's TLC put into this. It sports a nice cover and wraparound that makes you truly feel like you've been teleported back to the glorious days of when video store chains could be found within reasonable driving distance. And with that, the authentic praise officially ends. Because oh boy, we've got a rough one here folks.
Dark Universe was reportedly shot for $40,000 over the span of ten days, and that sounds fairly accurate. The cast consists of Joe Estevez, who is his family's equivalent of a Zero Bar, and nobody else worth a damn. The former must have been rented out for a singular day, as he only appears in the opening scene and several television interviews that are scattered throughout its running time. Maybe they forgot that they had him at their disposal? As for the rest of them.....well, I'd say that they're not exactly capable of hanging with the best of the best, but when you consider what they have to work with, it's unfair to get mad at them. Perhaps the only standout comes from the resident "science guy" in the group, but it's hard to take him seriously when he's dressed like a dollar store Boy Scout troupe leader. Also, there's a ton of unnecessary breast exposure, but that's Jim "Bare Wench Project" Wynorski for ya.
Obviously, the technical aspects of Dark Universe are about what you'd expect from Ray and Wynorski (aka they're quite terrible). I'm guessing that part of the budget must have gone into making the monster, which was emitting some seriously bad VR Troopers vibes. It sports the ability to suck people dry ala the villain Cell from the Dragon Ball franchise, and uses a darting tongue not unlike that of a Xenomorph. When parts of it break off, they change into spores (which for all intents and purposes look like giant boogers) and can possess human hosts. Because of course it can. There's also a moment around the fifty-one minute mark where I audibly yelled "HOLY SHIT, A RABID ARMADILLO ON A STICK." I should have properly prepared myself for something like this, and I curse the fact that I couldn't drink while watching it. Bit of advice kids: don't work in retail. It'll kill any regular routine that you may wish to have.
Dark Universe is what would happen if you threw Predator, Alien, and The Fly into a blender, then threw that device into a dumpster fire. Hell when writing this review, I had to make sure that this wasn't already on Redlettermedia's "Best of the Worst" video series. In no world will this ever be called even a halfway decent picture, but it IS perfect "get drunk with your friends and laugh at it" material. Maybe I should have saved this one for the weekend. As of this time, there is no respectable way to purchase this turd (there's a DVD on Amazon that has Ray's face plastered on the bottom left of the cover), but if you're interested in seeking it out in any way, shape, or form, perhaps a visit to your local horror convention is the best method of obtaining it.
Also, why is it called Dark Universe when the film takes place in fucking Florida of all places?
Ugh, this film man. This film.
Tomorrow, we're gonna get back to viewing more "credible" material and welcome our old friend Clive Barker back to the blog!
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