The most important factors to me for deciding to check out 2008's Dark Floors came from the knowledge of it being a release from Ghost House Pictures (the production company co-founded by Evil Dead mastermind Sam Raimi), setting it in an abandoned hospital, and from seeing William Hope (Lt. Gorman from Aliens) as the lead performer. What will attract most of everyone else is the presence of Lordi as the sinister beasts perusing and haunting the premises.......yes, THAT Lordi. And for those reading this review while asking "who in the world is Lordi?" I suppose that the most appropriate description would be what would happen if you sucked all of the cool out of Gwar or Ghoul and replaced it with songs made by a group of people with matching Kiss tattoos. Sadly, they are for Kiss' Dynasty-era, and not Destroyer.
This Finnish production's story, from what one can seem to decipher, revolves around a young autistic girl named Sarah. The child's father is unhappy with the progress that her hospital has failed to make, so he takes her and they board an elevator along with other strangers from different backgrounds and professions. As the collective wait to be taken to their respective floors, they stop unexpectedly before they can reach their destination; finding themselves being stalked by demonic-looking creatures who may have possibly won the Eurovision Song Contest two years prior to these events. Despite this fairly basic concept, Dark Floors does have some potential buried underneath a ton of layers. But my goodness, those are some hideously ugly ones. The film feels extremely rushed, with the screenwriters (and even some of the performers themselves) seemingly acting like they aren't even sure about the direction in which it is headed. True, this can provide for some occasional quirky, genuine moments in other mediums (the cast of AMC's The Walking Dead was reported to have been left in the dark in regards to who would die in the newest season premiere, even going so far as to film multiple, alternate deaths), but everyone just seems confused, and it begins to rub off on the audience after a short amount of time. Due to its awkward pacing and very matter-of-fact dialogue, we are barely afforded any time in which we should get to know, or care about any of these characters. Couple that with the fairly terrible melodramatic acting, and you have something that was far too reminiscent of releases like Stephen King miniseries The Langoliers, the live-action adaptation of The Girl on the Train, or a fan-made Silent Hill film.
Despite my love for anything that connects heavy metal and horror (seriously, why aren't you watching Deathgasm or Black Roses instead of reading this?), I can't in good conscious recommend that anyone save for diehard Lordi fans watch Dark Rooms. Its problems make the movie feel like it's stuck in quicksand, and worse yet, the final conclusion for the flick doesn't really give us a great explanation for what in the world we just watched for nearly ninety minutes. Plus....we're still talking about Lordi here. Even if you are a well-versed fan, there aren't any drastic alterations made to their costumes or attires, so when they start attacking or terrorizing people, all you keep thinking to yourself is "man, that 'hard rock hallelujah' band is pissed off over something that I can't quite comprehend." This musical gathering (whose own cheeseball song "Beast Loose in Paradise" plays during the credits) may appear to be frightening if you have children that are still in preschool, but to everyone else, they just look extremely goofy. It makes me wonder as to how this could have been marketed to a single soul in Finland, especially when you consider how famous they are in their native country. Perhaps if you are in the mood to ponder such an unnecessary question, you could throw your money down the drain by buying it on DVD, or streaming it for free on HBO Go.
So, what can I inject into my brain that will erase the awful memories of this hellish Helsinki failure?
Ahhh, just what the doctor ordered.
....I'm not apologizing for that joke.
Before anyone decides to jump on me, I must clarify that I HAVE seen Re-Animator on more than a few occasions, though it has admittedly been some time since I last paid a visit to Dr. Herbert West and his laboratory full of ideas that explore the possibility of reviving dead tissue. But god damn, is there any better example of how to pick yourself back up after sitting through cinematic excrement? Well, at least in terms of media-related ways I mean.
As I established multiple times throughout the past, it seems wholly futile to discuss the greatness of particular motion pictures that are already well-respected in the horror community. What more can I say about movies like Evil Dead 2, The Thing, or anything else with credibility and stature that hasn't already been uttered throughout several decades? And yet, I was compelled to watch Stuart Gordon's big screen take on the titular H.P. Lovecraft story specifically because I have ran into far too many people at work, be they customers or not, who have never bothered to bat an eye at Re-Animator. The plot for this bad boy concerns a scientist named Herbert West (played by the extremely underrated, charismatic Jeffrey Combs) who has been experimenting with a serum that he has developed which can bring that which is recently deceased back to life, though with mixed results in terms of post-revival behavior.
If you are going to be meticulous about adapting short stories into full-length feature films, then I suppose that you could be a bit cross about adding side plots to Gordon and producer Brian Yuzna's reworking. Still, it's hard to even tell the difference between the two sources, as they spice up what was already a fairly fascinating story by injecting a lot of dark humor into the script and making sure that Herbert himself is not entirely unsympathetic. Much of that comes from a lot of wacky, black comedy, including multiple moments of corpses freaking out over their sudden return to the land of the living (the squabble between Combs and a pet cat is quite hilarious). There is an abundance of morbid charm and finesse that helps take it to the next level of excellence. More of the adoration comes from the strong cast, including standouts from previous season favorite From Beyond like the aforementioned Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton, and Black Scorpion veteran Bruce Abbott. Nobody here does a bad job at all, with the devilishly creepy David Gale (star of another Unseen Terror entry titled The Brain) turning in a very memorable performance that only seems to get darker with every second that passes. For the very select few women who have never seen Re-Animator before: the final ten minutes could leave you traumatized, even if it's only for a temporary moment or two.
There is just so much to love and adore about Stuart Gordon's Re-Animator, which is one of the more wholly unique, creative, and hysterical takes on the concept of the zombie/Frankenstein formulas (pun intended). Perhaps in future Unseen Terrors, I will venture into the land of its sequels, which while receiving very mixed reviews, have always piqued my interest. If you are in the mood for something dementedly entertaining, Re-Animator is available for streaming on Netflix, as it is on newer horror-based subscription service Shudder. But hey, why not be more ambitious and just shell out a few bucks for the Blu-Ray instead?
Well, that will do it for....wait a minute, I can't end this on a movie that I've already seen. I have to throw in at least one more addition to the catalogue, don't I?
How oddly fitting that we began this year's marathon with a picture revolving around the horrors of man's mistakes (The Return of Godzilla), and now conclude with one about its own twisted beliefs (or lack thereof). For reasons unknown to even myself, I had never gone out of my way to watch 1973's highly-regarded and beloved The Wicker Man. It's a picture whose reputation as one of the best pieces of British cinema has grown exponentially over every decade that follows: a fascinating dissection about the clashing of religions and mankind's own bizarre, morose set of morals. For me, after the credits had wrapped up, I can't really see any reason to disagree with these opinions.
For the uninitiated, The Wicker Man revolves around a British sergeant named Howie, who has received an anonymous letter in the mail from a concerned citizen residing in the secluded area known as Summerisle: they claim that a young girl named Rowan Morrison has gone missing, and wish for someone to come and investigate. Arriving by biplane, he begins to question the residents, but every single one of them claims to have never heard of Rowan, or state that she has never existed. While perusing, he notices that the townsfolk partake in quite a number of tactics and traditions that are eerily reminiscent of early paganism (which can look tantalizing to most modern day fans). Being a devout Christian, Howie is appalled, but continues his work regardless. As time goes by, he digs deeper, and discovers that while all seems blissful in Summerisle, there is a much darker past to the land and its people than he could have ever realized.
Some will view (recently deceased) writer/director Robin Hardy's debut film as purely an attack on purity in a world that is anything but, though one can debate that it also argues for some sort of religious control (or at the very least, a sense of what is right and what is wrong). In the end, I viewed it as really just the horrors of sheer ignorance, and that both sides of the coin are equally flawed in this case. Howie (played brilliantly by Edward Woodward) does seem to be a bit of an uptight snob, but when he turns his nose up at the sight of seeing children having toads stuck into their mouths in hopes that it will cure whatever ails them, one can't help but feel that some of his disgust is a bit warranted. On the other hand, the world of Summerisle feels like something out of a dream: nobody fights, everyone is merry or helpful, the children are rather polite, men & women cavort about naked & make love in public with no care in the world, and their leader (portrayed by Christopher Lee) comes across as the type of interesting man who you could just become lost in listening to for hours. These clashes do contribute to the very noticeable slow burn over the course of the movie (which will make or break it for impatient fans), but when the final third of The Wicker Man comes about, it is thoroughly captivating and something that is very difficult to forget. In some regards, it feels like a companion piece to Don't Look Now, which was another 1973 release that took its sweet time and finished with a stunning ending (here's where I cue the cheap plug for my review of it).
I am quite satisfied that I can conclude 2016's Unseen Terror with a mesmerizing mystery-horror hybrid like The Wicker Man. It certainly won't be for everyone, but for the lot of you who are only familiar with the unintentionally hilarious remake from 2006 (note: there are no killer bees in the original flick), I think that seeking this out would be a wise move to make. After all, if you have a subscription to Starz or a few dollars to spend on internet shopping services such as Amazon, then why not may I ask?
Besides, giving any sort of money to Nicholas Cage in this day and age is the equivalent of buying alcohol for a homeless person.
And.......we're done! Thank you for sticking around, and for your patience during these occasional gaps and lulls in quality. I would also like to thank any and every single person who followed along for this, including those who shared/liked/commented on any of these reviews on social media. Hell, even those who bothered to bat an eye towards a single entry are worthy of a can of coke. You guys and gals keep me sane, and I doubt that I will ever tire of doing this.
Well, unless I keep getting exposed to theatrical diarrhea like Up from the Depths. Or Dark Floors. Or Cruel Jaws. Or Varan the Unbelievable. Or Dreamcatcher.
.....maybe I need to plan this out more carefully next time.
Anyway, see you guys soon for DOCTOR STRANGE!
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