Sex Tape (2014) Review

After a relationship of ten years, which has produced two children and nearly erased their previously promiscuous lifestyle, nubile and lively couple Jay and Annie have settled into a life of complacency. When Annie sells off her increasingly popular blog for a good sum of money, the two decide to celebrate that evening by leaving the children to be babysat, and, hoping to spice up their otherwise droll life, decide to film a video of the two having sexual intercourse. Within no time, via the cloud sharing option on their iPads, the three-hour-long session travels around their close circle of friends and family. Panicked, they set about to stop the circulating tape before it becomes seen by every possible individual.


Before you read any more of my review for Sex Tape, I have to get this out of the way for my male friends: if you want to see Cameron Diaz bare her body, you do get very brief glimpses from behind (though I'd be willing to believe that computers and/or a body double were involved in a good portion of these), and even some shots of her breasts from the side. Notice that I said "brief," not lengthy. Don't buy into her touts on late-night talk shows of proclaiming that she goes full frontal or displays her entire figure.

Now that I've disclosed that little bit of banal information, let us proceed.


Even with trailers that didn't exactly wow me and a rather horrifying-looking score on the usually reliable Rotten Tomatoes, I really wanted to enjoy Sex Tape. I generally enjoy the work of most of the cast and crew, and its main on-screen couple seemed like they were enjoying each other's presence. At the end of the day though, this just isn't that good of a movie, and there are multiple reasons why it will most likely fade into obscurity in less than two months. First off, the picture's entire premise is oddly derivative of the 2000 sex comedy Road Trip, except lacking in the camaraderie department. As dumb as that picture was, it didn't have to rely solely upon two performers to carry a rather silly script, and fared well with having every actor and actress who was cast to do their best with the material given. Even worse, it feels like a less competent take on an older episode of The Simpsons titled "Natural Born Kissers," wherein Homer and Marge long to liven up their own private life behind closed doors. This also borrows small parts from Kevin Smith's hit-or-miss sex comedy Zack And Miri Make A Porno. True, Diaz and co-star Jason Segel are attempting to salvage something prudent from the weak script provided and turn it into something watchable, but one can't make chicken salad from chicken shit in every case.


Secondly, the characters just flounder about like idiots once this home video makes its way around the assorted iPads they are trying to confiscate. There are repeated incidents of when secondary characters (including CHILDREN) tell them how this could have been avoided or remedied, such as calling a number or sending an e-mail. Naturally, they have forsaken the route of common sense and just choose to get into wacky predicaments while driving around from home to home. During this tenure, and once the plot described above kicks into gear, you begin to dislike Cameron Diaz's character. She's erratic, overreacting, and just kind of bland when she isn't yelling about the absurdity of the situation. Her husband Jason Segel is…..well, he's playing Jason Segel. He yells at the top of his lungs quite a bit, gets hurt numerous times, shows off his naughty bits when he can, and tries to display a softer, kinder side that feels incredibly phoned in. This wouldn't be such a problem if they didn't set up the two to be such a likable, and at times realistic couple. It just descends into standard fare mediocrity, and by the end (no spoilers), you just kind of wonder what the point of the whole scenario was. Speaking of having no point, Rob Lowe might be the only memorable character or object in the entire flick, even if his side plot has no resolution whatsoever. Yes, it is ironic that he appears in a picture about a sex "scandal," but he seems like he's having a good laugh playing a closet cocaine addict who happens to share an affinity for thrash metal giants Slayer and deceased gangster rapper Eazy E. He does lift the film off of the ground, even if just a tad. But good lord, the sequence at his house just goes on for what feels like an eternity, dragging its feet at a sluggish pace, and is bolstered by some wonderfully stupid comedy based around animal cruelty that makes the Farrelly Brothers' ideas look subtle. Oh joy.

Finally, I thought it to be impossible, but Sex Tape somehow manages to shill Apple products more than Apple themselves could ever do. Even after several weeks have gone by, I still can't get the bad taste of Transformers: Age of Extinction out of my mouth. To Michael Bay's credit, however, his pushing of products wasn't this in-your-face as it is here. The insistence of pushing a product down your throat is bolstered by the perseverance that you absolutely must own this electronic device, and you should know how to use every bonus that comes with it. All that was missing was an actor or actress looking directly at the camera, smiling, and saying "Hey folks, I love my iPad, and so should you." Wretched and shameless.


Sex Tape just can't seem to get it up or keep it up (I was trying to refrain from using sex-related puns, but they're just too easy to make), nor does it really pack enough to secure a spot in your long-term memory. It just simply exists, and that might be its biggest crime. There was an abundance of potential to make something wholly impressive, especially given the records of director Jake Kasdan (Walk Hard), writer Nicholas Stoller (Get Him To The Greek), and its main cast themselves, but it just kind of flops on the floor like a fish out of water. I can't say that I laughed as much as the three people several rows in front of me did (I'm still bewildered that one of them brought a small baby into a movie such as this), but then again, I think I only emitted a mere one or two genuine chuckles. Unfortunately, that just isn't enough for me to recommend a film like this to anybody.



That is, unless you have a desire to see Jason Segel's posterior numerous times. And if you're that eager for such a thing, go rent, buy, or download Forgetting Sarah Marshall instead.

22 Jump Street (2014) Review

Fresh off of an undercover mission, wherein they disguised themselves as high school scholars in order to bring down a burgeoning drug ring, oddly-paired police officers Greg Jenko and Morton Schmidt have received a new assignment from their superiors. In what is shockingly similar to their last job, the two are ordered to mask themselves as students, infiltrate a popular college, locate the supplier of a new drug nicknamed "WHYPHY," and bring them to justice. When the two arrive, they discover that the new, more vibrant, and drastically different environment surrounding them could slowly dissolve their partnership, should old aspirations and longings get in their way.


When the inaugural 21 Jump Street was released to theaters two years ago, I tried my absolute best to avoid it, fearing that it was, as I've previous stated about other motion pictures in this vein, an unnecessary reboot and/or re-imagining of something that should have stayed buried and should have stayed as a relic or gem of the 1980s. However, thanks to a rather peculiar mixture of boredom and possible masochism, I begrudgingly took the plunge when it arrived at one of my local Redboxes, and I was joined by an equally skeptical friend. We were prepared for the worst. Of course, this is where I would insert the usual spiel about "it surprised me." Well, I'm not nearly clever enough to hide that fact now, am I?. My friend and I came out of our screening rather happy, and admittedly had a lot more fun than someone of our mindsets were expecting. But a sequel? That just screams desperation to the highest degree. Or does it?


The film definitely doesn't take itself too seriously, and even dives into the realm of "meta" pictures like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and the 90s projects of Wes Craven. It's littered with numerous utterances of lines that indicate the sheer absurdity of doing a sequel which essentially encompasses the same exact premise and plot from the duo's previous frenetic task (the first film's Deputy, played by Parks and Recreation's Nick Offerman, seems to only serve this purpose and does it rather amusingly). Unlike something along the lines of, say, the infamous followups to Austin Powers, this self-referential humor, fourth wall-breaking, and sporadic nod to the original film's memorable moments doesn't grate on you, nor does it feel like, to quote Monty Python, "wink wink nudge nudge." The screenwriters and editors involved with 22 Jump Street mercifully know how to properly manage this, and should be given a pat on the back for mostly preventing the chance of running these aforementioned jokes into the ground. Speaking of jokes, for such a silly, mostly crude and lewd comedy aimed primarily at the young, college-bound crowds and audiences, there are a surprising amount of gags, nuances, and references that could fly right over their heads should they not be too well-versed in the pop culture of yesteryear. Not to sound arrogant or demeaning of today's generation, but most of the folks I know who read this should pick up on a large portion of these once they're in plain view.


Something else that isn't run into the ground is Ice Cube, once again playing the Captain of the "Jump Street" division. He's given a rather sizable amount of more screen time compared to 21 Jump Street, and his vulgar-laced tirades, while pretty damn great, make me wonder if that supposed fourth entry of the Friday film series is ever going to leave developmental hell. As if it wasn't apparent in the previous installment, leads Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill have an eerily good chemistry between them. While I'm an unapologetic fan of Jonah Hill, and have been since his very brief appearance in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, I've never quite seen the appeal of his costar Channing Tatum. With the plethora of pictures that the 34-year-old ends up choosing (how the man is already that old I'm not quite sure), he more often than not comes across as a more boorish version of Keanu Reeves, albeit with better looks. And yet, Hill manages to get something out of the Magic Mike actor that nobody else possibly can: a personality. Perhaps the Keanu comparison isn't too damning after all, especially since Reeves finally started emitting legitimate charisma when paired alongside performers such as Al Pacino and Laurence Fishburne. If those comparisons don't make sense to the non-cinema attending crowds, then let me try this one for you: Hill and Tatum are the movie equivalent of wrestling superstars Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. Not in terms of pop culture importance per se, but at least in terms of being able to play off of one another extremely well, be it in times of conflict or in times of unity. The new supporting characters are fine additions too (most projects involving Peter Stormare are worth at least one viewing), though one of my primary fears was realized when one rather important revelation in the movie involving a new cast member was disclosed in its own trailers shown throughout nationwide cinemas. It does detract from the potential surprise, but doesn't necessarily hurt any of its acts. The surprise cameos from Rob Riggle and Dave Franco, who were both involved with the former flick, are also charming, but not entirely needed.


While the script does feel lacking and leaves particular problems or subplots unresolved, especially after its rather bloated third act, the sequelitis bug doesn't end up infecting 22 Jump Street with anything poisonous whatsoever (especially with the excellent end credits sequence that I won't spoil for any single person reading this). It isn't perfect, but given that most features based on television shows these days usually end up wallowing in the muck of mediocrity (Demon Knight, Get Smart) or are just plain insufferable to sit through (you're welcome to insert whatever you feel like in this category), it ends up as an entertaining experience, especially if you can make the trek it to a relatively early screening and can manage to wrangle in an open-minded and humorous comrade to go with you.




Besides, you don't want to spend your hard-earned cash on that OTHER film based off of a television franchise, do you?




…..Please tell me that you don't…..

Transformers: Age Of Extinction (2014) Review

Several years have passed since a grandiose and destructive battle between the alien races known as the Autobots and the Decepticons ravaged the city of Chicago. Despite the constant defense of humanity, the surviving Autobot units are now being tracked down and destroyed by the Central Intelligence Agency, aided by a new, mysterious transformer named Lockdown. In a small Texas town, a frustrated inventor discovers a rusty and beaten up semi, and takes it in to his barn, hoping that he can disassemble the vehicle and sell the parts in order to help put his daughter through college. The vehicle soon reveals itself to be fabled Autobot leader Optimus Prime, who soon teams with the humble Texans in order to discover the truth behind these huntings, and what involvement the government has.


Oh Transformers, I've had such a strange history with you. I never grew up on your original run in the 1980s, and have still never finished your famed animated motion picture starring the voices of Eric Idle, Orson Welles, and many other respected actors and actresses who were most likely ashamed of having a film about warring giant robots on their acting resumes. Still, given my childhood obsession with all things Dinosaur-related, I loved and adored the concept of the Dinobots, and this lead to one of my favorite animated series and toy lines of the 1990s: Beast Wars, a show that I will still defend to this day, even if its animation is noticeably outdated. In recent memory, I've barely given a pass to your 2007 Michael Bay-helmed relaunch of the same name, though I can not feign enthusiasm for the sequel that you unleashed upon this world. While I skipped your third entry (the rather amusingly titled Dark of the Moon), I figured that a free ticket (thanks to a mixup with the 3D screening of Maleficent) and some available time could be an amusingly dumb way to pass the time, especially since your trailers and television spots highlighted the introduction of said Dinobots…..Alright, enough of this way of speaking.


As eloquent and nostalgic as I may sound above, there are no words that in exist in the human vocabulary to describe what Transformers: Age of Extinction truly is. Off the top of my head, I can think of a small handful within one minute or less: craptacular, shitty, vile, stupid, obnoxious, moronic, and excruciating. You can feel free to tell me more later if you choose to. If it is comparable to an inanimate object, I'd liken it to a birthday cake made entirely out of diarrhea. If you're wondering if the series could sink any lower than the reprehensible, juvenile, and racist Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, it is difficult to debate. I have been struggling to hold my composure and not type "FUCK THIS MOVIE" repeatedly until I lose consciousness. Alas, I have to try and type something coherent for the small amount of you who read my blog, even if this "movie" is anything but.


Starting off, as far as the non-robotic side of the film goes, I won't spend too much of my valuable minutes talking about the wastes of time and failed creations that they attempt to call "human beings." In recent years, Mark Wahlberg has proved that he can actually step up to the plate when given the right project, but when he's spouting off one-liners and sentences that would make Schwarzenegger cringe, you wouldn't know it. His acting is on par with his now-legendary job in M. Night Shymalan's The Happening, and Shymalan may be relieved to know that he is now free of the dishonor of having concocted and directing Wahlberg's worst performance. Nicola Peltz might be relatively easy on the eyes, but with how quickly she decides to age, her resume declines steadily, and going from The Last Airbender (hey, that's TWO M. Night movie references!) to this is shockingly a downgrade. I also found it slightly creepy that her character is stated to be a mere seventeen years old, and yet the cameras are fixated on as many slow motion sequences and closeup shots as possible, with a stronger emphasis on placing her in rather skimpy jean shorts in the latter half. Director Michael Bay and the three individuals in charge of casting have lifted heavily from the dreaded and lambasted "Big Book of Character Stereotypes." There's the boyfriend with a heart of gold, the tough, older father figure who spends nearly half of the picture arguing with said boyfriend about him dating his daughter (Wahlberg playing Peltz's dad is just plain laughable), the evil scientist with a semblance of a conscience (poor, poor Stanley Tucci), the evil government officials, the smart British scientists, the military douchebag, the sassy, loud black woman, and many more that I couldn't even count on several surrounding hands. It certainly hurts the movie when every surrounding person has to chat and deal exchanges that will only appeal to the lowest common denominator. Its most blatantly offensive depiction comes in the form of the Chinese, who may just attack us after all when T4 opens overseas after this jingoistic piece comes to all areas of the globe. If you're into this type of thinking and find something relatable in these characters, then good for you. Anyone else with no tolerance for this form of laziness will hope that the aforementioned folks are beaten to death with barbed wire baseball bats.


One of my biggest complaints about the Bay-formers pictures lies in the fact that once out of vehicle mode, you can barely tell most of the Autobots and Decepticons apart from one another, since they all just look like giant, metallic messes with the occasional different color scheme (this is especially true for the second film in this franchise). True, if they had used a majority of the designs from the original series, it would have looked even sillier, but it's bothersome nonetheless. In this entry, Michael Bay and his team of helper monkeys with thinking caps have done a fairly commendable job of making most of the Autobots look distinctive, but it comes with a small price. For once we meet his merry group of mechanical minions, they are either painful stereotypes or irritating eyesores. There's the Japanese samurai (who they were kind enough to give squinty, slanty eyes), the gruff army commander (sadly voiced by John Goodman), the rogue, English bad ass who won't say no to a fight, Brains, a miniature robot who can transform into a Notebook when not imitating an older, jive African American, and Bumblebee. Yes, I forgot that he had such a prominent role since the first film and onward, and that for some reason, they decided to re-scramble his voice box after it was fixed at the end of the original Transformers (which leads to a scene with M.C. Hammer's "Can't Touch This" that almost made me walk out of the theater). And before you say anything, yes, I did touch on stereotyping in my previously-written paragraph not even two minutes ago. While I applaud your decision to pay attention, Michael Bay doesn't give a damn about what you think. He has to ruin all of which is involved with Age of Extinction, especially with what you paid to see. The action sequences, despite being flashy and relentless, lack a certain amount of soul to them, especially after the bar has been set so high within the first six months of this year. Even more depressing is the manner in which he portrays the MacGuffinbots, who seem to have suddenly taken over the bodies of my beloved Dinbots. Admittedly, I do admire the redesigns that they went with (until they transform out of their beast modes), but every single one of them serves absolutely no purpose in this picture and could have been replaced with literally any other character, be it Transformer or human. I wouldn't be shocked if they decide to shoehorn characters from Beast Wars or the rather massive being known as Unicron into the fifth motion picture solely for the hell of it.


Speaking of shoehorning, I haven't seen this much blatant product placement in a movie since….well, ever. I'm not oblivious to the fact that you have to make your money back somehow and promote this latest entry to those outside of your general Trapt and Avenged Sevenfold-listening crowds, but was there really a need to have multiple, BLATANT shots. mentions, and advertisements for Bud Light, Beats Electronics, My Little Pony, and Red Bull? It doesn't take a genius or anyone with even the slightest bit of legitimacy in the movie reviewing business to see that this is shameless on the part of the director and Paramount Pictures. Age Of Extinction clocks in at nearly three hours long, and given it's meandering and attempt at character development (notice that I said "attempt"), this length feels more like a chore to sit through, and it will cause several patrons to check their watches or cellular phones to see when the whole experience will finally be over. Whether this is due to prior obligations or just plain boredom I'm not quite sure, but either are acceptable answers. Bay also has the audacity to lift and steal from superior projects released in the last decade, including The Matrix (the mercenary Lockdown is poor man's cross between Agent Smith and Elysium's Kruger), The Avengers, and both of director Neill Blomkamp's full-length science fiction epics. Initially, I didn't want to jump to conclusions and call the man a hack, but he leaps into this category with gusto and not a care in the world, further establishing himself as the Maxim Magazine of Hollywood blockbusters.


Transformers: Age of Extinction holds the (now) distinct honor of making me question everything that I'm doing with this hobby. Mind you, it isn't in some sort of philosophical or existential kind of way, but more in a "stop spending your money, be it free, earned, or stolen on utter garbage" kind of way. If I see a motion picture worse than what I just suffered through any time this year, I may have to duct tape a shotgun to my head and blow my brains out. If this leads to an influx of more toy lines being adapted to film, or worse, a pentalogy (Extinction ends on a cliffhanger coupled with dialogue that makes some of the writing for WWE resemble the work of William Shakespeare), then I'll strap a bomb to my chest, board a flight to California, take acid, and run into the nearest movie studio that I can find. In fact, for those of you taking the time to read this: if you encounter any living person who says that they genuinely and/or enthusiastically enjoyed Transformers: Age of Extinction more than any other recent releases, please hit them in the head with a large rock and throw them into a river. The human race will be better off without these mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers around.




Or just stab them repeatedly. Either way works fine.

Maleficent (2014) Review

In an enchanted world populated by magical and powerful fairies and assorted creatures, a young fairy named Maleficent lives peacefully and joyously among her brethren. After a chance encounter, she begins to develop feelings for a human named Stefan, who comes from the fairy's bordering neighbors, and eventual enemies, the human kingdom. Over the years, Stefan's lust for power and leadership of his kingdom leads him to commit a terrible act towards the fairy, hoping it will culminate in speeding up his ascension towards the throne. Enraged and saddened, Maleficent begins a long and arduous path towards evil, which will culminate in a dark gift for the newly-crowned king's firstborn, Princess Aurora.


Despite what some of my friends or frequent visitors of Into The Hive may think, I'm always welcome to a new interpretation of a classic story, especially in the realm of classic fairy tale lore. Perhaps Bill Willingham's acclaimed graphic novel series Fables is partly to blame, or it may be my own maturity and attitude towards films of all variety which has helped. When I first caught a glance of Angelina Jolie and Elle Fanning as noted and famous Disney stalwarts Maleficent and Aurora, I was somewhat intrigued, but my apathy towards anything Disney-related that ISN'T animated wasn't leading me towards a ticket purchase. The first round of teasers and full-length trailers did little to bring about any enthusiasm, and discovering that this was in the hands of a first time director made me skeptical, even though this has worked for a multitude of films in recent memory. But for every Evil Dead or District 9, there is always an Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. So, where does this one lie in the pantheon of risk takers?


Though she has her number of naysayers, Angelina Jolie was born to play this role. She brings layers to a character that had never particularly captured my own affection. Admittedly, I was always more of an Ursula or Cruella de Vil fan, and even though she's guilty of chewing the scenery on a handful of occasions, Jolie manages to make you sympathize with the titular tragic villain whose heart may not be as dark as the original story from The Brothers Grimm would have you believe. This version of Maleficent has the right to be furious at the human race, and it can be argued that she is a stronger female role model than most modern day heroines (she's inarguably better than someone like Twilight's Bella Swan). Disney also must have listened to the masses' feedback about Sharlto Copley's villainous turn in last year's Elysium as well, since he plays the twisted and paranoid king whose slow descent into madness doesn't exactly inspire empathy from the public, be it in the theater or from his own servants. He may be difficult to understand for younger audiences though, but being from South Africa and attempting a Scottish/Irish/Brad Pitt-from-Snatch accent will do that to you. As for the supporting cast, Sam Riley, best known for playing Joy Division's Ian Curtis in Control, portrays Maleficent's right hand….erm, crow, and he's fine for what he is (he could be a dead ringer for Dominic Cooper or Orlando Bloom). The trio of the good fairies are all entertaining and more lively than I expected them to be (being led by the usually brilliant Imelda Staunton certainly helps), but goodness gracious, did all of their humorous bickering and banter have to feel like throwaway gags and routines from The Three Stooges? At least they weren't making Groucho Marx-style puns, otherwise I would have groaned rather audibly in the cinema hall…..actually, now that I've mentioned that, puns such as those would have been pretty awesome, if not incredibly out of place.


A large chunk of Maleficent's visual effects are pretty gorgeous to look at, if not flat out enchanting (makeup is provided by the extraordinarily talented Rick Baker). I went into the film initially having paid for a 3D experience, but the 2D reel was mistakenly played instead. While it didn't upset me in the slightest (I was given a refund for any future screening of my choice. Too bad this didn't happen with Rob Zombie's Halloween), I imagine that a three dimensional screening would have actually looked very impressive, post-conversion or not. From an all around visual standpoint, Maleficent looks pretty damn good and the cinematography is adequate. Great detail has gone into the wings of Jolie's character, and especially with her very elegant, if not slightly ghostly appearance, which is all the more fitting given that she has remained a mystery or myth to many simple-minded humansx. Part of me wonders how much of it actually comes from Angelina Jolie's natural beauty and how much came from computer generated imagery, and in this case, the perplexing nature of this works to the film's advantage.


While it seems like I'm fellating nearly everything related to this picture from that which surrounds Angelina Jolie, this does bring me to two rather vocal complaints that I have. First off, I get that your picture is called Maleficent, so naturally, you want her to be the main focus and be the most well-rounded and developed character. This is understandable. That being said, would it have been so hard to do this as well with your supporting cast? Aurora's presence doesn't feel nearly as important as it should, and even after the introduction of Prince Phillip (the man who would break the "Sleeping Beauty" curse in the source material), we don't get a good sense of who he is and why he cares for her. Yes yes, I know it's just storybook love, but I guess I just expected a bit more from this particular subplot, and I feel it detracts from all of the potential praise it could receive from critics and moviegoers alike.


The second criticism, and perhaps the oddest thing about Maleficent overall (well, odd by a fantasy movie's standards at least) is its criminally short running time. If I remember correctly, Disney has been hyping this particular re-imagining for close to, if not more than two years. With a case such as this, why make the final project a mere ninety seven minutes long? That is just absurd, and I felt a tad bit bamboozled when it seemed to just suddenly end. Something as grandiose as this deserves to at least cross the two hour mark. I do know that this particular motion picture went through several reshoots, so perhaps they're saving what was left on the cutting room floor for the presumably stacked Blu-Ray release to come.


Still, in terms of recent retellings of classic fairy tales and Disney lore, Maleficent stands above the competition (it is infinitely better than Tim Burton's messy 2010 version of Alice in Wonderland), if not a bit awkwardly. They've also accomplished the impossible by piquing my interest as to what the upcoming Kenneth Branagh-directed Cinderella will end up looking like.





Then again, I doubt it will have fire-breathing dragons, so it'll probably be less than stellar.

A Million Ways To Die In The West (2014) Review

Sheep farmer Albert Stark detests living in the mostly barren frontier of Old Stump, Arizona. In addition to nearly everything around you having the capability to end your life within seconds, he has also been dumped by his girlfriend Louise, most likely due to his recent withdrawal from a duel, which many, including her, perceive as an act of cowardice. Soon, Stark draws the ire of notorious gunfighter Clinch Leatherwood, and through unexpected and initially unrevealed sources, he will find the courage and skills needed in order to face this infamous outlaw, lest he be thought of as a meager quitter for the rest of his life.


I just don't know what to make of Seth MacFarlane these days. I initially thought the man was a genius (or at the very least, a very underrated writer and voiceover performer) who came across as rather intelligent and knowledgable, if not a bit smug. I was surprised by his humility and legitimate happiness over hearing of the revival of his animated (then) cult television program Family Guy, and was just as ecstatic as him when I heard of its resurrection. Hell, I even enjoyed his first writing and directing foray into live-action filmmaking with 2012's Ted. And yet, the man has been disappointing me immensely for the past decade or so in ways that you can't imagine. The aforementioned Family Guy has arguably been out of gas for its past few seasons (a now infamous lambasting from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone didn't help matters either), his other cartoon projects have been notoriously hit or miss, and the recently cancelled Seth Green vehicle Dads could go down as one of the absolute worst shows I've seen in my twenty eight years of existence. All of that hoopla aside, a large part of me was secretly interested in checking out MacFarlane's parody of the old western genre, the cleverly titled A Million Ways To Die In The West.


Regrettably, I think AMWTDITW (I am far too lazy to type this title multiple times, so you'll have to deal with this acronym) suffers from the same problem with the creator's more recent ventures, and that's just lazy, run-it-up-the-flagpole-style writing. And while I could normally nitpick and point out several large, glaring problems with films that I'm not too fond of or am immensely disappointed by, this really is the only major drawback, although it is a large one in the case of a comedy-based writer like MacFarlane. Nobody is phoning their performances in, and in fact, it seems that most of the cast are having a ball with one another (Charlize Theron and Sarah Silverman shine brightest). When a large chunk of your material, however, just isn't particularly strong, there is only so much that you can salvage in order to make it memorable for the general audiences who have paid to have good, boisterous laughs, and usually en masse. The mostly serious third act also does a near 180 for the film, and though it eventually leads to a relatively fun sequence involving psychedelic drug use with Native Americans, it feels klutzy in terms of transitioning and you can hear a pin drop in the theater in the build up to it.


AMWTDITW's heavy reliance on feces, urine, and fart jokes tends to wear thin after about the third time you're exposed to it. One wonders if perhaps they just couldn't come up with anything more clever in time (or were afraid of using the now-maligned "flashback" gag from Family Guy) and just figured that the average moviegoer can always find humor in anything coming out of the two holes below your belt. It's the type of lazy jokes that you expect from someone as lowbrow or idiotic as Marlon Wayans or Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, not the same man who was asked to host the Academy Awards one year ago. On the plus side, what isn't lowbrow is a pretty darn entertaining musical number led by Neil Patrick Harris (who seems to revel in playing a villain) and Stephen Foster that serves as an homage to the art of certain facial hair, and about how glorious it is. There are also a copious amount of cameos from who I can assume are some of MacFarlane's best friends from the liberal world of Hollywood, including one in the aforementioned drug sequence that gave me the biggest laugh overall. Sadly, a lot of the film's best gags were run into the ground by the overexposure of television spots and trailers for the picture, and most gags or antics elicit mere chuckles instead of guffaws.


You know what? After much debate, and even perusing through my own writing, Seth MacFarlane might be a genius after all. The man somehow managed to convince studio executives to make what essentially amounts to an uneven, two hour long episode of Family Guy with a forty million dollar budget. There is absolutely no reason that this couldn't have been of one of Seth's television shows. And before you say "he could have used this as an excuse to work with this famous actor or actress," I have to ask: why couldn't they have been recruited to do voiceover work instead? You're technically still in the same area or studio as them, and while you may not be able to do anything as memorable as physically kiss Charlize Theron or stick a flower up Liam Neeson's rectum (don't ask), you can still have the credentials on your resume if it is something sought after that much. At the end of the day, A Million Ways To Die In The West just makes you want to pat Seth MacFarlane on the back and say "well, you still have your other works. Better luck next time. Now it's time to go watch Blazing Saddles or Lust In The Dust and forget this whole thing ever happened."

Godzilla (2014) Review

In 1999, a strange, unexpected radiation accident occurs in the city of Janjira, Japan, annihilating a large chunk of its populace and the nuclear physicists working at its plant. Fifteen years later, survivor and former employee Joe Brody repeatedly attempts to convince his son that something is being hidden by forces at hand and the scientific powers that be. Within no time, two prehistoric monstrosities dating back to as far as 1954 emerge, and commence a tour of destruction around the globe. With the fate of the world and continuance of life on earth at stake, the military and scientists hope to lure the two separate beasts into battle with one another, hoping that man's ego will not be its undoing, and that the lesser of two evils is not truly evil.


As previously discussed in last year's review for the big-budget (stateside) bomb known as Pacific Rim, I am an avid, lifelong fan of kaiju eiga, which is very roughly translated to "giant monster films." In retrospect, Guillermo del Toro's love letter to the multiple niche worlds of my childhood was very fun, but not without very noticeable flaws. I was worried that in the United States, the interest for films of that nature had waned, especially since Pacific Rim was soundly beaten out at the box office by the strongly-maligned Adam Sandler-led abortion known as Grown Ups 2. Thankfully, the interest in director Gareth Edwards' reboot of the longest-running monster movie franchise seemed rather strong, and the addition of television stars like Bryan Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle, Breaking Bad) and soon-to-be megastars like Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Kick-Ass, Nowhere Boy) and Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene, The Avengers: Age of Ultron) has stirred up more buzz than even I expected.


When it comes to the Godzilla franchise, the biased nerd in me can't hide the fact that most of the characters that don't tower over others by a sizable amount (i.e. the people squabbling among one another) are largely unmemorable, save for those in the original Gojira or arguably some in the latter installments from the Heisei or Millennium eras. True, they weren't necessarily terrible, but having horrendous dubbing tacked onto a good chunk of these performances didn't help matters, and could cause one to be extremely hesitant to even watch these flicks in their original Japanese formats. Thankfully, Max Borenstein, a relative newcomer to the movie business, puts together a fairly competent script with some standouts in the human realm. Even if he was the choice for "Best Actor" at the Japanese Academy Awards on two separate occasions, Ken Watanabe has always been a fairly underrated performer to me, and he turns in a pretty respectable and honest performance as Dr. Serizawa, one of the men unintentionally responsible for the events and catastrophes that unfold throughout the film. And before you ask, no, he is of no relation to Dr. Serizawa from the original Gojira. Stealing the show, however, is Bryan Cranston, who even with limited screen time, does a bang up job as Joe Brody, and he looks like he is genuinely invested in his character. Sadly, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen, who are both fine performers in their own right, don't have the greatest amount of depth to their characters of a husband and wife caught in the middle of the ensuing chaos, and it ends up being one of the weaker and more two-dimensional points of Borenstein's finished draft.


But I sincerely doubt that you're here to read about the human beings that were cast in this picture. You're here for the big, bipedal, grey and/or green guy and his newfound opponents. Well, I'm happy to report that Godzilla himself is more than adequately done, and in some ways, even puts previous iterations of the famous monster to shame. With an exponentially larger budget at hand, the King of the Monsters looks quite menacing, with scaly, darkened skin to match his lengthy tail and newly bulbous frame. This redesign, however, has enough of his original look intact to not alienate purists, and there is one very important trait that is also present, but the for the sake of spoilers, I will say nothing further. He is also HUMONGOUS, towering over nearly any creature that I've seen in recent memory, no matter the film genre. His nemesis for the film, the surprisingly well-explained creature named "Muto," is also a welcome addition to the franchise, looking akin to a combination of Godzilla 2000's villainous Orga, the titular insect queen from Godzilla vs. Megaguirus, and the well-hidden horror from Matt Reeves' Cloverfield. When the two behemoths clash, it isn't so much a fight as it is a monumental showdown between two forces of nature, and the battles that come about are, to put it lightly, freaking awesome, leaving the spectators below breathless and even eliciting occasional positive actions like applause and cheers in the right theater (they did in mine). Worth noting is the additional help from noted motion capture actor Andy Serkis (The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Rise of the Planet of the Apes), and his consultation breathes life into these quarrels that steer them away from the underwhelming or unrealistic departments. Well, as unrealistic as a giant monster movie goes at least.


I imagine that the largest problem Joe/Jane Schmo will have with Godzilla will lie in its decidedly selective use of the title creature himself. Without spoiling any chunk of the film's layout or plot, Godzilla doesn't make a full-bodied appearance until a decent amount of time of the motion picture has passed. This may draw the ire of some impatient attendees who want to see nothing but relentless fighting, but I actually commend this method and decision. With this, Godzilla doesn't just feel like another creature thrown into the mix and foray, but rather like something exceptional that you should strongly pay attention to. With every single moment, be it for several minutes or the entirety of the final act, you are in awe of his presence and your eyes are glued to the screen. It's a parallel to the technique of more calculated filmmakers to not overdo anything, because overexposing your main threat or creation lessens the overall impact. This "flooding" idea was admittedly a small problem that I had with Pacific Rim and a large problem with the 1998 American reboot of Godzilla. Then again, there are more problems with the latter than even I can find, and it could take up several posts if I chose to talk about that…..thing in further detail.


The newest, and hopefully not last entry in the realm of the creature nicknamed "The Big G" is not a perfect film, but I had real difficulty picking out any particular flaws or superfluous moments. Gareth Edwards and his group of merry men and women deserve a high five or a round of drinks for taking the giant monster movie formula and trying to concoct something fresh and unique, while still sticking true to its roots and beginning ideas of anti-war and the horrors of man. Further than that, there are a plethora of homages to established trademarks and popular series moments that long time admirers will be able to pick up with careful examination. If you're a fan of Godzilla with thoughts of doubt or hesitation, I'd be hard pressed to not recommend this to you. If you're a casual moviegoer, I still think this makes for a wonderfully fun time, no matter the time or format you choose to see it in. Hell, I was even willing to ignore my apathetic attitude towards 3-D pictures, and chose to make this my first IMAX experience, which was something I did not regret, and it can enhance the enjoyment even further, as it truly captures the size and spectacle of the entire story. Perhaps with the release of Godzilla and Captain America: The Winter Soldier, this year might not be too shabby for big budget bonanzas after all.




Then again, we are getting a fourth entry in the Transformers franchise. Oy vey.

Neighbors (2014) Review

New parents Mac and Kelly Radner have settled into a relatively sedated, quiet, and mostly risk-free life. Instead of partaking in excess or celebrations with coworkers and acquaintances, they hesitantly stay home and play with their daughter. During one particular afternoon, the Radners witness a sizable fraternity, the notoriously rowdy and audible Delta Psi, moving in next door. Over the coming days, the couple begin to face a magnitude of problems from their new nearby residents, and sooner or later, it could mean trouble for all involved.


Before I attempt to type several cohesive or readable paragraphs for Neighbors, I must preface this review by getting one thing off of my chest: I really, REALLY do not like fraternities. Though I am slowly approaching the wonderful age of thirty, and still do love to occasionally party or have a generally good time with friends and cohorts, I've never seen the appeal of a fraternity or "frat house." I always assumed that most of the people found throughout were cro-magnon dullards with no sense of how to act outside in the normal world, and their choice of music to blare was far too obnoxious for my taste. Then again, I am the one going to the oh-so-pleasantly named Maryland Death Fest for the third time within two weeks, so this is obviously up for debate.


For the purists and general worrywarts reading, you can rest easy knowing that this has no relation to the 1981 comedy of the same name, which starred John Belushi (no stranger to the realm of movies featuring fraternities) and comic legend Dan Aykroyd, pre-going insane and thinking that UFOs are real. This flick's original titles included Townies and Bad Neighbors, and I can assume that the latter was nixed due to a very similarly titled episode of The Simpsons that exists, wherein Bart and Homer commence a prank war with new neighbor George H.W. Bush. Come to think of it, that particular episode shares quite a bit in common with this motion picture, at least in terms of one house playing outrageous practical jokes on another and the old guard feuding with a "fresher" and unexpectedly louder crew of people. True, that particular prank war was limited to what Fox would allow, and I'm sure that some of the vulgar and admittedly hilarious moments seen here (it earns its "R" rating and then some), along with the equally amusing struggles of reluctantly growing up, could have meant cancelation for that series during its prime (as opposed to now, when we desperately need it to occur). Seth Rogen and wife Rose Byrne play a fairly fun older couple who don't seem to be as content with living a newer life than one would expect, even if one has to suspend their disbelief that Rogen and Byrne would ever be married, even on film. There's also a plethora of comedic talent around them, including James Franco's younger brother Dave, Hannibal Buress, and an abundance of cameos that you may miss if you blink once or twice, or if you're not a regular television viewer. Heck, it even manages to pull out an entertaining and earnest performance from Zac Efron.


On the subject of all things sincere, I've harped on before about nearly all previous projects from the duo of Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen not being without heart, but as with their last theatrical release, the quite riotous This is The End, this particular one doesn't throw you a sudden curveball and get overly sentimental or go from zero to one hundred in the realm of awkwardness. True, it isn't without feelings or a heart, and does a surprisingly good job at humanizing the two main fraternity heads (Zac Efron and Dave Franco) without it feeling forced, but it seems to retreat back from ever baring too many emotions and jumps right back into the "dick, vagina, and fart joke" formula that is guaranteed money with this fanbase. Sadly, this does present a minor problem. Neighbors doesn't quite know who you should be feeling empathy towards, as both parties do have their ups and downs, and its own younger audience may leave feeling conflicted or disappointed with some of outcomes in the third act. I know that Goldberg and Rogen didn't have much or any involvement whatsoever with the script here, and it does tend to show once you discover this little fact. Not every joke manages to hit it out of the park, and nothing even comes close to the (arguable) brilliance of earlier efforts like Superbad or Knocked Up. Thankfully, Rose Byrne is infinitely more relatable and MUCH funnier to watch and listen to than the throughly annoying Katherine Heigl, and I'd go so far as to say this is the Australian actress' finest comedic performance to date. I should think that the aforementioned statement alone may raise its chances of a repeat viewing tenfold, even if it isn't an immediate one.


As with any fairly well made motion picture, Nicholas Stoller's Neighbors does try to challenge your own opinions and conceptions of this curiously popular culture, or even of settling down into the opposite end of the spectrum for what most consider a boring lifestyle called adulthood. In some regards, it could cause the more uptight folks walking into a screening to change their own minds. I haven't seen many comedies at all in 2014, but I do plan on changing that over the course of the next two weeks (though I must pry myself away from the WWE Network). So far, Neighbors isn't a bad way to start off a season that will contain blazingly hot temperatures or pollen driving you berserk. If you have a free afternoon and aren't basking in the glory of the sun, or just want some fairly sick laughs from a film that provides a dildo fight and Seth Rogen having to milk another human being, give this one a whirl.





…….I sure do hope that I never have to type the words "dildo fight" in any future reviews. Or give anyone the thought of Seth Rogen milking somebody who is lactating…….


…….Sorry…...